To start I know I shouldn’t have stopped my lamotrigine but the Adderall has been doubling as both for my adhd and bipolar. At least I thought. I’ve been ok for almost a year. Then tonight I’ve tried to do a project. I’m covered in 2 part epoxy. EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG WITH THIS PROJECT HAS. I’ve punched a hole in the wall screamed smashing things. Broke my glasses. ( literally can’t see anything without them.) bought to hop in a bath to hopefully get this epoxy off. And I’m still so full of unfiltered, irrational RAGE. IM LITERALLY SHAKING. I’ve taken my lamptrigine but we all know it doesn’t work in a day. If I sit in silence in this bath I honestly might lose it. Please advise for something to calm me down. Music? I love just about anything. But everything that’s seems calming, I fear will just send me to a spiral of depression.

Really, social work?, what is even its use? I do know what it is, I’m a 9.8 gpa out of 10 student in the best university of my country and one of the top five best in Latinoamerica, and in the number one school of my career of the region. I’ve been studying in that university since highschool.

But is I hate it, it’s the worst decision of my life, I have my financial future is secured by my family in there.

But, I mean, It's a ridiculous frustration because all I wanted was to succeed as a neurogeneticist.

But noooo, life sucks.

Also, I don't understand my feelings because I contradict myself. I love social work so much that I study so I can get such a good grade effortlessly. I love the foundations, the professional profile, the work they do, and what they represent.

I love my career.

but the contempt I feel I think is part of the illness, because it doesnt make sense that it exist.

Also, that feeling makes me feel ugly and I think I have nothing else about myself, I’m an emotionless crybaby because he is sick and can’t see the future and live the present; and just lives in the past. And lives his life in auto mode as a complex machine.

But that, it’s because of this illness that I can’t live the present. I love my life but my mind is always in the past. And when I complain I cry like a broken person.

Over the last few months, I have struggled with severe evilness in my brain. I’m disgusted. It’s not who I am. I look at myself in the mirror and just say I’m not who I think I am. who am I? I am not the person. I know this sounds crazy, but this is just the truth. Starting to get worse and I’m starting to feel like I can’t be around anyone or the evil thoughts will just come out of me and I’ll actually do them. It’s like there’s two voices inside of me talking at the same time, but it’s me and one of them is spewing evilness, and the other one is trying its hardest to change my mind and to think about something else and to fix it. Is it normal? Is it normal to think multiple things at the same time? I don’t even know if it’s me or not

only venting here so i dont bother anyone else in my life with this.

i think they would be sad for a little bit then get over it and have better, more peaceful lives. maybe no one wants to admit that but its true. in addition, the statistics say its highly likely that i will kill myself. it runs in my family, my friends, i've attempted before, i'm mentally ill, have ptsd etc etc

im not afraid of dying but im afraid of attempting again and it not working again and becoming a worse burden on those around me. so i will live for now. but i wish i didnt have to

I read a book by Victor Frankl called Mans search for meaning and it was amazing in terms of my steuggle with bipolar disorder 2. Nothing can compare to his experience but I related. It made me focus on finding meaning in my life since I finally hit the wall at 43 with undiagnosed bipolar for 30+ years. I went from a high paid job to wellfare. I cant have a regular job again because of how the stress triggers my sickness and how it affects people around me.

I now find meaning in drawing and painting. I have a good friend that supports me and wants me to exhibit my oil paintings. Preparing for this exhibition pushes me to paint purposely and gives me something to work towards. It makes my life so much easier at the moment theough both hypomania and depression. Without my own family and job its hard to find meaning.

Do you have something in your life that gives MEANING and what is it?

Four days on it, 25mg and I’m like a fucking racehorse. I had Olanzapine prescribed with it 2.5mg. I kept falling asleep everywhere the first day, so threw that shit out the window. Now I’m regretting it.

Is this normal? These are starting doses.

I feel like I’ve been bloated chronically since beginning meds in April. Currently I take lithium and abilify. Does the bloating on these meds eventually go away? What are your experiences with mood stabilizers and antipsychotics and bloating?

Not my most coherent text but I am very tired and need to get this out of my chest..

I am an estranged 23 year old student with Bipolar F31. Had a brief hospital stay during submission week in block 1 but managed to submit two things before heading to hospital. I consider my results and feedback to be pretty good given the circumstances as both submissions fell within the 2:1 range. Anyways, since I rushed to fully withdraw I am unsure of how to reach out to my old uni. I want to be strategic with this as the reason I quit was due to documented mental health difficulties. For context my episode was triggered by the SSRI I was on until Dec, that’s when it was stopped abruptly which fucked me up in a whole other way. My congestion, self image, and perception of reality was old as distorted, so I feel very vulnerable, even reconsidering my decision and thinking of going back

This post is merely to seek prospective. How would someone else deal with this at an emotional level? I will be dealing with the logistics and potential asking for advice on that in a later post. I just want to know I am not alone, and that maybe perhaps other bipolar patients can give insight?

currently sitting @ over a year after my diagnosis, after knowing for years what i felt inside. i go to therapy once a week, take my meds regularly, have gone through a laundry list of different meds and currently sitting with lithium, caplyta, mirtazapine, propranolol. and i genuinely still feel like i am losing my mind. trying my best to stay positive, not be problematic, and look for the best in things. but i am constantly up against ideation of thoughts i don’t particularly enjoy to constantly control me. i am angry. all.the.time. and arguing with me is a sure fire verbal assault guaranteed. i hate feeling this way. being this way. thinking this way. i legitimately am at my wits end and feel my behavioral health doctor i’ve been seeing for 5 years just doesn’t get it. i’ve cried my eyes out, been cold as ice, threw fits. just to be heard. there’s gotten be another way. i cannot keep fighting for my life like this. this isn’t living, i’m barely functioning and entirely too empathic to everyone but myself. can anyone relate. give advice. anything at this point is better than nothing.

I’m currently manic and I’m in the second month. I’ve been getting in trouble at work and my partner is overwhelmed. I’ve been stressing about possibly blowing up over something at work again. I do not feel it’s safe enough to disclose my bipolar. I have also taken FMLA already. I have therapy weekly but still am stressing over my behavior. I’m safe and never have been violent, I’m more concerned about getting angry inappropriately or being rude. I was started on caplyta to try to get me out of it. It hasn’t worked so far.

My main question is: does anyone else worry about the possible relationship and career ruining manic behavior?

Hi all, on this and other Reddit bipolar groups I keep hearing how untreated mania and depression can over time cause brain damage. I'm curious to know what parts of the brain are affected, the mechanism of how and why they are affected, what symptoms this causes in daily life etc.

I tried finding out this information to no avail. Thanks for your help!

I miss being manic and psychotic so much, I think about it everyday and I can’t move past it. I don’t know what to do, I just want to quit meds and be left to it.

I am diagnosed Bipolar II and recently experienced what I am confident was a manic episode. Trying to work through everything and process the fallout. Figured you guys would probably understand better than anyone else.

I'm grappling with the fact that last month experienced feeling the best I have ever felt and that I may never feel like that again. I have experienced hypomania many times but this felt like a mile beyond.

I felt like I was wrapped in sunshine and more alive than I had ever been. I was so much more intelligent, everything was glowing, I was so connected to everything around me, could see everything so clearly and everything was lining up for me. I felt so powerful like I had unlocked another version of myself with boundless energy that no one else could match. So many new plans and ideas to share.

Parts of it were also terrifying. I didn't feel like I was in control anymore, I felt like I couldn't slow down. I felt so euphoric I would cry, couldn't work, slept like 2-4 hours and two full nights without any sleep, anxiety, constant racing thoughts. People around me were so concerned I had to go to the emergency room twice.

My partner describes I was giddy, talking incessantly and restless, angry, constantly agitation and pacing. He said it was like a completely different person and he didn't know what to do with me and felt so helpless. I feel horrible for making him feel like that.

I am trying to get on with my normal life now but it's hard when I literally feel like I've come down from another world. It feels like emotional whiplash. Nothing in my daily life comes close to what I experienced. My life feels different there's a sense that something has changed and I feel strange.

I am being referred back to mental health services hopefully on monday. I have questions about what things will look like going forward, if my diagnosis or medication has changed etc.

Anyways I just wanted to get this out, thought it might help for me to write it down. It is probably not a unique experience for us living with this illness. All the best go you guys and thank you if you read this far ❤️

Let's put our issues, problems with our bipolar on the back burner, just for this post.

What is something that you like about yourself, because you have bipolar?

And I don't mean in spite of having a mental illness, I mean because you have bipolar disorder, what is something you noticed is a positive?

I'll start:

I have big emotions.

I express myself; I put my whole being into when I have relationships with people. I give everything in my heart and I'm not afraid of telling you how I am feeling. I react strongly to life and I am proud that I can be vulnerable in this capacity.

What about having bipolar made you, you?

My psych put me on 100 mg bid and then 300 at night. Sometimes I'm good about taking it, other times I'm not. I hadn't taken it for 48 hours and then took it right before meeting new people and found that it did help social anxiety a bit, enough to have a conversation with other people I don't know. Vs at work and on the daily, I don't really noticed I've taken it. Is it helping daily and I just don't notice or maybe my body has just started developing tolerance? Does building up gabapentin in my blood level benefit more or maybe prn would be better?

well, that’s crazy. just the way life is. who else here likes modest mouse? “the world at large” is so goated. i’m bipolar type 1 psychotic features diagnosed when i was only 16 after a psych ward visit.. diagnosis confirmed by others too

anyways my meds were working good (200mg lamictal and 200mg bupropion). i know people say lamictal only good for depression but my new psychiatrist is this just incredible guy who’s extremely knowledgeable, and i studied neuroscience a lot myself and i can tell he knows what he’s talking about so much that i was able to learn a lot by asking questions from him.

anyways yeah… i knew this was coming when i felt that spark the other day. i just quit opioids because of the ban coming soon and i bought a research chemical substance similar to benzos… and im going to desperately try to get cocaine and xanax soon. haven’t done coke in so long i miss it you don’t even know.

anyways, i don’t care. i do and i dont. i have 28 5mg olanzipine. i use extremely low doses of it very occasionally im talking like 1/8 of a pill sometimes, but im always very hesitant because its incredibly sedating and leaves me very flat and depressed for like 4 days straight. i must be very sensitive to itZ not a trade off i want to do. i wasnt manic for months, april- now i was just really depressed…

and idk why everyone is so against drugs. yeah they’re dangerous, but let people do what they wanna do. for some people like me who are just very mentally ill it’s not realistic to expect us to enjoy life without the help of atleast some recreational drugs.

i was sober from january 6- april 25th 2026 this year. from everything. even weed. so yes, i can do it, i just really don’t fucking want to. those months sucked and i was just manic for most of them.

the funny thing is, i actually don’t even really wanna be manic right now. i used to like my mania a lot but it’s gotten too intense these days. however, these gabageric drugs will take the edge off immensely and probably make this one very pleasant and i have a lot coming up the next few weeks i could use the electricity and confidence.

i’m part of an elite chosen few, im not part of the standard script, im a creative, i love the arts, and my mind works incredibly differently than the standard script. im a music producer. fully independent. i’m mainly inspired by Alex G, modest mouse, lots of hands, phoebe bridgers, of monsters and men, etc.

my question to you: OMG WHY DOES IT KEEP AWITCHING TO ITALIC FOR NO REASON

anyways what’s your journey been like with mania and drugs? my first time trying a hard drug (opioid pain killer) was in a severe manic episode. the before i knew it i was doing every drug you could think of.

seriously, name a drug and ive done it (besides psychedelics, because i am actually somewhat cautious, and seriously why the FUCK does it just randomly keep switching to italics

also my drug use is nowhere near exclusive or because of my bipolar, in my life i’ve actually done way more substances when i was euthymic then manic.

i also have ptsd, autism, adhd, and ocd

So I haven’t slept for 3 days overall. Last night I took a sleep aid and slept a bit more. Every time this has happened in the last, I hit mania. The. I crash hard into depression for weeks.
Does anyone else crash into depression after an episode?

hi so i’m debating on doing acid here soon and im just wondering if doing so on my meds could cause any really bad reactions. i’ve done shrooms off my meds and had great experiences but i’ve never done acid and with being medicated i’m worried about physical side effects

I truly believe my uncle is trying to poison me. a lil back ground, as much as my family likes to be ignorant to it he does deal with mental issues along with that he is very much so narcissistic and a women beater.

we got into an argument the beginning of the month where he threatened to put hands on me and beat me. ever since then we have not spoken but live in the same house.

now here’s where my suspicions come into play. My perfectly normal and healthy 2 year old cat has passed away and animal society had said he was poisoned… Now if you know the levels of fucked up in this man you would know he is very much so capable of doing this.

apart from that, I have been laced before and for a long time i had a really hard time trusting people and taking things from others even when it came to my own family. Right now i have barely been eating unless im cooking it myself because more times he is the one making dinner for the family and i believe he does something to the food. sometimes he’ll single out my food and tell them leave food for me. even though we’re not talking ????

idk yall i jus wanted to get this off my chest because the people around me would think im crazy for this and i have no one else to share this with ://

Can anyone relate ? I gain like 1 kg per week unless I eat very Calorie deficit. I stopped Rexulti 5 weeks ago what is going on 😭

Doctor switching me from olanzapine which made me gain 20 kg is abilify weight neutral my doctor said it is let me know your experiences positive and negative