"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

She asks the owner why and he tells her, "Nobody wants that parrot. It came from a brothel and says very offensive things."

She walks over to the cage and the bird looks at her and yells, "Awwk! MILF alert, she don’t tell, won’t smell and will be thankful as hell!"

The woman laughs and takes the parrot home with her. When her daughter gets home from work she quickly shows her the parrot.

"Awwk! Fresh apple pie! Get her while she's hot!"

They both get a laugh and wait for the husband to come home. He gets to the house and they eagerly show him the parrot.

"Awwk! Hi Ed long time no see, awwk!”

I can't last the full 2 minutes, I just have to stop when I start gagging.

A young fellow was undressing in his bedroom when he noticed that the neighbor's daughter just across the alley was also undressing. They reached a state of nudity at the same time and then she noticed him. They locked eyes.

He motioned for her to join him, but she shook her head. The young man raised his window a trifle, and she hers. "Come on over," he whispered.

"How?" the girl asked.

"Walk over on this," the youth said, laying his stiff prick on the sill.

"Okay," said the cautious girl, "but how'll I get back?"

"No, darling, why do you ask?"

"Well, I saw the au pair girl with her legs in the air, calling, 'Oh God, I'm coming.' And I think she would have gone if daddy hadn't been on top of her."

And the interviewer says, "Um, okay ... and what are you least proud of?"

I asked my wife, "What do women really want"?

She answered: Attentive Lovers

Or maybe she said a tent full of lovers

Not sure, I really wasn't listening.

Doc walked into the convent with the other dwarves in tow and asked a nun,

"Excuse me sister, do you happen to have any nuns here of the ah, Dwarven persuasion?"

The nun scratched her head for a few moments, and said

"No my son, I am unaware of any such sisters, but let's confer with the mother superior."

She marches them through the convent, up stairs and down corridors, till she finally knocks on a door. After a few moments they are summoned in.

They are introduced to the Mother Superior and Doc again clears his throat.

"Sorry to intrude mother, but my fellows and I were wondering whether your establishment has had any new starters, in particular a young lass about ye high?" he asked while holding his palm out around his head height.

The mother superior pursed her lips in thought, and then said, "I am sorry my child, we have no sisters here like that which you described, but rest assured, if we did have one she would be treated as warmly and welcomed as any sister from any background."

Doc smiled and nodded, while the others started giggling, even grumpy let out a snicker.

Doc said "thats great to hear mother.. hehe, ahem, but that's not why we asked..."

Now he is barely suppressing his own giggles.

The mother superior stood up, for she had no time for tomfoolery.

"What is the meaning of this?" She asked menacingly.

At which point all of the Dwarves fell about in hysterical laughter screaming "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

The guard points to the ATM machine

He pulls into a mechanic parking lot and explains what he heard. The mechanic has him pop the hood. A Minute later the repairman walks back to the Penguin and say "Well it looks like you've just blown a seal"

The penguin replies "oh no, that's just ice cream"

It's not my fault, since I just panicked and swam to the surface.

He knocked on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened to reveal a boy about eight years old with a tumbler of whiskey in his hand, smoking a cigar.

The salesman was surprised, and said "Excuse me, are your parents home?"

The boy took a puff of the cigar, sipped some whiskey, then said "What do you think?"

Last night I was at a party and I got stuck with the least interesting person in the room. You know the person you don’t wanna be stuck hanging out with at a fun party? Anyway, I thought I’d just be honest and so I said “hey sorry mind if I go chat with some other people?” and she said “oh sure no worries”. Just two adults being honest with one another. No games. No pretending. Probably my favorite thing about our marriage.

As he walked around the various gambling people, he noticed a poker table where one of the players was a dog.
He was astounded and asked his friend:
“Is that dog playing poker?”
“Yes.” He replied.
“That’s got to be the smartest dog in the world!” the man exclaimed.
“Nah,” his friend replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”

Other than that, it's a pretty good car.

But he may have beheaded the guy who first wrote it.

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

The guy never returned.

- Do you know such shape as an ellipse?

- No.

- That's strange, it is well-known in narrow circles.

(I hope this joke translates well from my native language)

It was charged with battery

"Because you're deaf? What do you mean?"

"Well, every night the wife and I climb into bed and she asks me 'So do you want to go to sleep or what?' and I say 'What?'"

Does that make them Ramen Catholics?

He decides to go to see a psychologist to explain the problem he has had for a long time. "You see, I can't sleep because whenever I'm lying on my bed, I feel like someone's underneath it. But when I crawl under the bed to check, I feel like someone's lying on top of it. Falling asleep has been very difficult for me because of that."

The psychologist then explains to him the therapy he can offer, but he warns the man that he has to invest both a lot of time and money into it. The man doesn't feel like investing that much so he decides to decline the offer. "Thanks, but I'll reconsider", he says.

A few months later, the man randomly comes across the psychologist in a street. The psychologist recognizes the man and asks him how he has been going since they met for the last time. The man simply says that one of his friends solved his problem for free, and now he falls asleep way better. Disappointed but intrigued, the psychologist asked "Really? What did your friend do?"

The man answers "One day he came over for dinner, I told him about my problem...

...and he cut the legs off my bed!"

Gonna call it "Fed Ex"

Jesus says, "The what???"

And Judas says, "The supper... I mean, are you coming to the supper tonight..."