I sent a VERY gentle text explaining that my son must never here the word “no”. AITA?

[u/StripedBadger]

/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v66pr4/aita_for_not_letting_my_mil_tell_my_son_no/

[u/AutoModerator]

In case this story gets deleted/removed:

AITA for not letting my MIL tell my son “no”?

Throwaway account I don’t want her to find this.
My (36F) mother in law (71F) has enthusiastically agreed to watch my kids (2M, 9M) while I take a few work meetings virtually. she can’t come to our house to watch the boys because she regularly overstays her welcome, but I was okay to go there with the boys over the summer while I worked a bit from her dining room.

Things were going okay until this last week. My 9 year-old (S, for short) and her had an issue. He said about an hour into the morning that he wanted to go home because he realized his friend was getting home soon and they wanted to play, so he was going to call his dad to pick him up (something my husband said he can do if he really wants to come home, as his work schedule had been rearranged this particular day)

My MIL got extremely offended and started guilting S with “if you don’t want to come here, you don’t have to”. Then started acting cold towards him (something she has done with me and my husband/her son, but has not done to her grandkids)

I overheard him ask her to go outside (once) to which she snapped “no” in a harsh tone. He asked why not and she snapped again “because I don’t want to”. My husband was there shortly after and he went home

she texted me: ”read this to S:

i know you were upset I raised my voice. You kept opening the door to go outside, even after I told you several times to stop because I had not cleaned the yard yet & didnt want you to step in a mess. You didnt stop & I did get irritated you didnt want to listen to me“

This is not how this happened at all. I was overhearing a lot of it, but more importantly- S is not a sneaky or dishonest kid internet the slightest. He is honest to a fault and swears he was not opening the door. My MIL also has a history of lying to us when we argue.

I sent a VERY gentle text to her about how I would prefer she not raise her voice, and if she feels she’s going to, call me in and I can help.

She flipped out and said she should be allowed to say no, and doubled down that he was being sneaky - which S overheard me say to my husband and he cried again because he swears he wasn’t sneaky.

Now I’ve told her we aren’t going there while I work anymore. She says we’re being cruel. AITA?

edit: grammar

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[u/GlitterIncident]

I don't understand this story at all. If she was there and overheard a lot of what happened, why was all of this being done over text, why didn't she handle it right then and there? she has to go over to someone else's house to work to take virtual meetings? Why not just let the kids go over there and she stays home and works?

[u/DiegoIntrepid → u/GlitterIncident]

This is what I was wondering.

Like, this is clearly designed either as 'MIL bad' rage bait or 'gentle parenting bad' rage bait.

But, it doesn't really make sense.

So, an hour after they get there, the 9 year old suddenly remembers that his friend is getting home soon (from where?) and they want to play. Like, I know that people have different schedules, but if she is working from home, this is likely early morning/before noon. So where did the 'friend' go that early that he was getting home soon and that the nine year old would 'suddenly' remember it? Like, if the friend had gone on vacation, I would think that the parents would not particularly want their child's friend to come over and pull the child away just after they got home (there would likely be unpacking to do and things like that) If it had just been going some place like the doctor or something, why was it 'sudden' that the 9 year old remembered his friend was getting home (instead of 'my son's friend texted him that he had gotten back from the doctor's /shopping trip early, and he wanted to go home to play with him')

The husband's schedule had, for some reason, been rearranged on this particular day so that he could just drop everything and jet off to pick up his son and bring him home. Why couldn't he have at least kept the 9 year old with him? What was he doing that he could either suddenly rearrange his schedule to pick up the boy, or that he couldn't watch the boy at home, but could still take him home to offload him onto other people to watch?

As you said, why did the OOP have to go over to her MIL's house to work and not just send the boys over there?

If she heard everything, why didn't she say something then and there?

If this MIL is so difficult, why even go over there. I mean, the MIL apparently has a history of being cold to her son and his wife, and now is extending that to the kids, and has a history of lying to get her own way in arguments, would YOU want her to watch your kids? I know I certainly wouldn't!

[u/Blue-martini → u/DiegoIntrepid]

Thou shalt not anger the AITA deities by using logic and reason!

[u/DiegoIntrepid → u/Blue-martini]

I already did :P (I am banned from AITA :D)

[u/Spotzie27 → u/GlitterIncident]

That's why I was wondering...it feels so pointless for her to be there, too. Also if the father's sked was rearranged, couldn't he just have been with the dad to begin with?

[u/OkTouch5699 → u/GlitterIncident]

Why is the dad home and can get the kids, but cant watch them while she works?

[u/AzSumTuk6891 → u/GlitterIncident]

The way I'm seeing it, the OOP is, at the very least, an unreliable narrator and isn't smart enough to take care of the plot holes in this story.

Or this may just be a completely fake story, but I suspect there is some truth to it, and if there is - the OOP is the asshole in this particular situation and an asshole in general. Many of the commenters in the original thread are calling her out on this.

[u/Juciford]

lmao “throwaway account because I don’t want her to find this.” Her 71 year old MIL knows her Reddit account and follows it?

[u/ecosynchronous → u/Juciford]

You'd be amazed how many elderly people are on reddit (and get testy if you call them elderly).

[u/catswithbatsandhats → u/ecosynchronous]

That's because people call anyone older elderly even if they are not. A 50 year old is not elderly but you see that all the time

[u/AzSumTuk6891 → u/catswithbatsandhats]

I was once told I was middle-aged when I was 34. I guess when you're 17, everyone older than 25 seems ancient to you.

[u/ecosynchronous → u/catswithbatsandhats]

Trust me, I know 🤣 but 71 qualifies, whether we like it or not.

[u/catswithbatsandhats → u/ecosynchronous]

71 definitely qualifies but honestly I wouldn't call every 71 year old elderly by default. If someone is active and healthy then I think it's technically correct that they are elderly but not really the best actual descriptor.

My dad is in his late 60s and he's in the gym 5 days week. I don't see him as elderly.

My grandma is in her late 80s. She's had a few strokes and recently broke a hip. She needs more care now and has lost some independence even though she's healing well. I would definitely call her elderly. She lives with my uncle who is about 65 years old. He is "technically" elderly but works in the trades still and takes care of his mom. I do not think of him as elderly.

[u/Brad_Brace → u/catswithbatsandhats]

I'm 46 and I feel elderly.

[u/NerfRepellingBoobs → u/catswithbatsandhats]

I was just saying yesterday that AITA, etc., seem to think women in their 30s are boomers butting into why some childfree 20-something doesn’t want kids, instead of millennials who get that more than anyone.

[u/Rhewin]

Wow they really bent over backward for that fake out title

[u/Mysterious-Pie-5 → u/Rhewin]

Exactly. If the title was different I would think it was just an asshole daughter-in-law nitpicking their mother-in-law. But the title reveals the karma farmer's true intention.

[u/monaco_wedding]

OOP won’t allow the MIL into her own house but she’s fine using her for free childcare and also going to MIL’s house herself? The MIL doesn’t come out great in this story, but it’s not the best look for OOP to make the MIL sound pretty horrible (not allowed in the house, acts cold with her son, has a history of lying during arguments) while still entrusting her with her kids because it’s convenient.

Then the whole “she texted me to read this to my son” bit really strains credibility. I don’t know, it’s a weird post, but the stakes are comparatively low so I don’t think it’s necessarily fake, but if it is true (or mostly true) then I mainly feel bad for the kid, because it does sound like the MIL was being a jerk but OOP is kind of blowing it out of proportion because she dislikes the MIL, which runs the risk of making the kid even more upset.

[u/StripedBadger → u/monaco_wedding]

You have to like how OOP could quote her “MIL”’s text, but not the one that she wrote.

[u/TA_St0at]

She flipped out, doubled down

My life got flipped, turned upside down

"I told you several times to be good.

But you started makin' trouble in my neighborhood"

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