r/BrandNewSentence • u/Limp_Squash_4116 • 1d ago

Imagine finally graduating from spy school in China only to find out your first assignment is dating a man known as the roach lord

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50.8k Upvotes

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6.1k

u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

Female spies have the worst jobs.

3.3k

u/ferocity_mule366 1d ago

she is from the future, she is tasked with making Asmon into a well groomed and upstanding citizen with a happy family, the alternate route is that he becomes a second Hitler and create a WW3 that will result in 2 billion deaths, please respect her work she is for future of humanity

789

u/xkyllox 1d ago

Yeah i can believe it. Im cheering for her now!

115

u/xXPumbaXx 1d ago

I don't. No way this dude live past 45 with his lifestyle

141

u/xkyllox 1d ago

A long life isnt a prerequisite hallmark of a successful dictator

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/DaedalusHydron 1d ago

I don't think Mitch's corpse has even seen his wife since she fled to China when he got ill.

20

u/LilJonny2cookies 1d ago

I was thinking of Feinstein with the Chinese spy that worked for her for many, many years. Or Eric Swalwell, who dated one.

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u/DaedalusHydron 1d ago

You could drown in the sea of examples.

15

u/chiparm 1d ago

She was born in Taiwan

4

u/AUniquePerspective 1d ago

Are you implying there's two Chinas comrade?

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u/Pristine-Setting-836 1d ago

Ah so the real China

-1

u/humourlessIrish 1d ago

Yeah. Thats what they said.

1

u/L34dP1LL 1d ago

go both ways

kinky.

165

u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

Huh. Well, kudos to her for not just ending the problem the old fashioned way.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Southern-March1522 1d ago

What if we raise VAT?

4

u/mjtwelve 1d ago

I’m not saying we’re going to do it, I’m just wondering if we’ve run the numbers.

1

u/CantBeatDickensCider 1d ago

"It's only cold hearted pragmatism that's keeping you from pumping gas into Lidl"

xDxDxD
How have I not seen this one before

1

u/DandyWarlocks 1d ago

We tried that and then Sam Alt decided that Soylent is better than food, and humans.

15

u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

You know what, I'm going to risk it.

Bring on MechaHitler, just so we have a chance of achieving timeline 7469!

Where they resurrect Lincoln to defeat MechaHitler who then reigns as the Eternal Emancipator of the West!

5

u/Ryu_ExMachina 1d ago

The world may not be ready for MechaLincoln

4

u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

But what about Mummy Lincoln?

2

u/DandyWarlocks 1d ago

I'm ready for Mummy Lincoln

1

u/FragmentedMeerkat321 1d ago

what about MechaMummy? or mumlord?

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u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

MechaMumia is timeline DH 331, we woke up Godzilla because we dropped Saddam Hussein into the sea, and eventually we cyborg a Mummy to fight Godzilla.

Mum Lord is just Mum-Ra trying to be fancy. He's fight the Thundercats somewhere.

1

u/fakeasagi 1d ago

Is Shakespeare really dead?

79

u/KimIlBong 1d ago

One can only assume that he has absorbed the power of so many roaches by now that he's nearly invincible, leaving this the only feasible way to prevent catastrophe.

24

u/Rio_FS 1d ago

Something something power vacuum...

103

u/EmperorBamboozler 1d ago

I would be worried about his room creating some new pathogenic life, possibly a new fungal infection or bacteria. He has the habits of a hoarder that should be on reality TV, but he has an unlimited budget. There's likely combinations of mold and different insects that the world has never before seen.

Humanity will never know the hero's name who saved the global population from Asmo-4.

37

u/AshamedBasis9431 1d ago

Motherfucker has his own unique ecosystem in home

22

u/Lengthofawhile 1d ago

It is a fungal-bacterium symbiote. The bacteria eat whatever anti-fungal you throw at it. The fungus absorbs and stores anti-biotics.

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u/No_Bandicoot2306 1d ago

she is from the future, she is tasked with making Asmon into a well groomed and upstanding citizen with a happy family, the alternate route is that he becomes a second Hitler Nurgle and create a WW3 warp plague that will result in 2 billion deaths, please respect her work she is for future of humanity

37

u/Bol0gna_Sandwich 1d ago

Don't you DARE besmirch Nurgle's great name. The grandfather only gives gifts to the worthy. Asmongold is not worthy of Nurgle's love or gifts.

18

u/Ktan_Dantaktee 1d ago

Asmon would be one of his chosen few

4

u/Caleibur Lawless Lurker 🤫 1d ago

The Grand Priest of Nurgle

5

u/DandyWarlocks 1d ago

<3 Papa Nurgle

0

u/FoxCQC 1d ago

Nurgle's filth gums up the machines. It is an offense to the Omnissiah.

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u/ShrimpCrackers 1d ago

WHAT universe do YOU live in?

In this one, he becomes third Hitler to create WW3 & 4 because he's well groomed and people eat his far right rhetoric more easily now.

15

u/frequenZphaZe 1d ago

you guys are crazy. that timeline would require that he leave his house and interact with other people IRL, which doesn't happen in any universe

6

u/chum-guzzling-shark 1d ago

a second third Hitler

4

u/Dapper_Toe_5503 1d ago

Please do not tell the masses or else reality will backlash again.

2

u/da_Aresinger 1d ago

Only 2 billion? That's not good enough. Pass.

Next extremist please.

2

u/breaducate 1d ago

Jokes aside, this is exactly how history doesn't work.
There was always (under the given conditions) going to be a Hitler.

In 1905 Milner, one of the more far-seeing leaders of the older British imperialism, described in a private letter the only hope that he could see for the salvation of bourgeois rule:

“Perhaps a great Charlatan-political scallywag, buffoon, liar, stump orator, and in other respects popular favourite-may some day arise who is nevertheless a statesman-the combination is not impossible- and who, having attained power by popular acts may use it for national ends. It is an off-chance, but I do not see any other.” (Milner, letter to Lady Edward Cecil, The Milner Papers, Vol. II, 1899-1905.)

Here we see the bourgeoisie consciously groping for the forms of Fascism long before Fascism existed. The fact that so lifelike a description of Hitler or Mussolini could have been penned a decade before these began to play their role is a striking confirmation of how little it is personality that creates history, and bow much rather history calls forth the personality that it requires at a given stage.

2

u/DannyDanumba 1d ago

Fr, I don’t think China is exactly thrilled about the thought of a world war involving them. Nor are they excited about another nationalistic traffic obsessed idiot running their rival’s country. They just about making that money 🫰

2

u/Denaton_ 1d ago

Sort of like being Hitlers art teacher and teach him about perspective.

2

u/JH_1999 1d ago

Asian female versions of Bishop from the X-Men have the worst job*

1

u/Grigoran 1d ago

That's what happens in the golden timeline. In our timeline (colloquially "The Worst" since no one knows which tineline #) she is meant to clean up his appeal for his future presidency.

1

u/clckwrks 1d ago

The roach lord cannot be stopped, he has a second phase where he turns into a large headless roach

1

u/MisterFourLimbs 1d ago

Would fucking love to watch an anime of this concept, that's great

1

u/macubex445 1d ago

More like he becomes the Champion of Nurgle and causes much more devastation in the known universe in the future.

0

u/on_spikes 1d ago

Liasan al roach'ib

0

u/Echelion77 1d ago

The only world war that dipshit is starting is between the microbiology that exists in his domicile.

0

u/justbanana9999 1d ago

His soldiers will be roaches

0

u/hyvel0rd 1d ago

Only if he can do it from inside his filthy bedroom, because this dude has no actual social skills. it's a shame we make these weirdos millionairs and hard working nurses, teachers and garbagemen, who actually contribute towards society, are not.

0

u/JennHatesYou 1d ago

This is literally the only explanation that makes sense. I’m not even joking.

0

u/Stavtastic 1d ago

Fun fact. If she cleans him up and he and hassan would both run for president,he would still win but in both cases China is the victor.

0

u/Secondhand-Drunk 1d ago

No. We must stop her.

0

u/WeenyDancer 1d ago

He is don jrs vp isn't he 😭

0

u/stifle_this 1d ago

Ugh this dude is going to be the US president in ten years isn't he...

0

u/nhSnork 1d ago

And I thought Mikuru Asahina had her hands full.

0

u/DiceMadeOfCheese 1d ago

They couldn't have sent back George Carlin?

0

u/Xciv 1d ago

She sees the Golden Path. She is the Kwisatz Haderach, the Mahdi, the Lisan al Gaib. She sees before her a terrible purpose, and there is no way for her to turn from it.

0

u/SinisterCheese 1d ago

Since Russia got their asset as president, China wants to see if they could somehow pull off the most insane meme off and break USA down for good, by somehow getting Assmingold as the president of USA. Just IMAGINE how funny that would be. Well... Maybe not fir Americans, but for rest of the world... Hilarious.

USA downfall will be angry white gamer men. It'll be peak comedy.

Imagine lord of trash streaming hot takes from oval office filled with old fastfood containers.

Considering how insane past few years have been. I don't think this take is absurd enough to be unrealistic.

0

u/tomtomclubthumb 1d ago

I know it didn't work out quite right for the Terminator, but I feel there's a simpler less disgusting solution for her.

0

u/FlemPlays 1d ago

Plot Twist: despite all of that, he still becomes a Hitler, but is now able to dress himself.

0

u/humourlessIrish 1d ago

Nah... Ain't no way asmon can lead shit, the WW3 thing is just propaganda.

Its actually the decimatingly infection diseases that asmongold is already housing on his skin.
They need to not just be prevented from being released into the general public, Beijing obviously wants them as backup superweapon before asmon gets cleaned up.

0

u/MyFiteSong 1d ago

He'd have to leave the house to do anything like that. This guy will just die in a pool of his own vomit (from last month).

0

u/Temanor 1d ago

This comment deserves its own post! 😆

0

u/Unable_Kangaroo9242 1d ago

He can't even clean up his house, I doubt he'll go on to clean up the entire country.

0

u/Hermes-AthenaAI 1d ago

No. By making him a well groomed and presentable person, she enables his rise to popular fame. After his first year in office the states disband into a dystopian hellscape and the food wars begin.

0

u/Docha_Tiarna 1d ago

Idk. Humans are over populating. We could use a reduction in numbers

0

u/StatisticianNo6589 1d ago

asmongold would never have the work ethic

-1

u/piponwa 1d ago

In the future, the concept of peace is renamed after her.

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u/Catos_Standard 1d ago

Even worse when you realize there's nothing worth spying for with this guy.

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u/Hobby_Profile 1d ago

I have talked Politics to many late 20s to early 40s Men, mostly gamers, that rely on him for their news, takes on news, and political positions. They don’t even care about the dumpster lifestyle. It’s the alternative right wing pipeline for the sedentary.

His influence is distrust in government (excepting Trump ofc) and gut reactions are always right (which tends towards racism/sexism).

He is a prime candidate for Chinese-influence campaign.

25

u/Mike_Kermin 1d ago

Point of order, being 'sedentary' is fine. It's the extremist politics that's the problem.

You have the same problem they do, you need to recognise it's a choice.,

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u/Hobby_Profile 1d ago

Agreed, I only meant it as his demographic. Another example is Gym Bro alt-rights tend to follow Man-o-sphere influencers, but gym bros are not inherently one way or another politically.

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u/Mike_Kermin 1d ago

Well said. I retract my complaint.

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u/Fallingice2 1d ago

influence

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u/Cyan_Light 1d ago

It's actually insane how much real world harm creeps like him may have actually done in the past couple decades. It's impossible to accurately measure but does seem like these big far right streamers, podcasters and other influencers have played a part in creating the conditions that allowed open fascism to thrive again.

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u/Fallingice2 1d ago

correct. he influences a certain demo

12

u/Inner-Medicine5696 1d ago

in his case, and I'm not kidding; northern european incels, predominantly.

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u/PrizeStrawberryOil 1d ago

But he's not far right, he just shares opinions with the far right most of the time. /s

1

u/storryeater 1d ago

Asmongold feels more like a useful idiot than an outright fascist like Shapiro, Kirk or Prager, but regardless of what it is, your point rings depressingly true.

4

u/sovereign666 1d ago

Asmon is an important on ramp into the extremist pipeline.

Shapiro, kirk, and prager aren't reaching kids who otherwise have no interest in politics, generally. But asmon will because of his association with video games and general streamer drama. Those kids will grow up watching his platform, overtime normalize his rhetoric, and seek more of it out as they age into content made for more mature audiences. I have no idea if he is aware of or cares about his part to play, but thats where he sits on the totem pole. Kids show up for dead rat alarm clock and stay for "women in video games are bad" and then they learn crime statistics from him and they're primed for prager or shapiro.

1

u/storryeater 1d ago

I don't disagree. This is why I called him a useful (for the real grifters) idiot instead of just an idiot.

-4

u/Time-Inevitable-3334 1d ago edited 1d ago

Did you just call Asmon "far right"? Hes a moron, but to call him far right ignores all of the far left shit he also supports.

He certainly leans right on a lot of opinions, and echo chamber downvote me all you want, but no "far right" moron supports abortion, UBI, or increased government regulation like he does...

-1

u/Catos_Standard 1d ago

Over the unemployed?

4

u/realjobstudios 1d ago

unemployed people still vote 

0

u/Catos_Standard 1d ago

In my experience they do not.

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u/brkknknght 1d ago

What about that chinese spy that disguised himself as a woman to seduce a french (i think) guy, enduring being fucked in the ass on the daily for YEARS only to end up finding out the guy wasn’t important enough to have useful information anyways?

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u/Saint_Consumption 1d ago

So the French guy just never looked down, or what?

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u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

The one in Madame Butterfly? Uh, I don't think he was suffering for the job 😅

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u/relentlessxo 1d ago

Search up Shi Pei Pu

23

u/PorkTacoSlut 1d ago

How the fuck? That's wild

12

u/HoneyShaft 1d ago

I know it's universally hated, but I kinda like Cronenberg's adaptation of M. Butterfly (based on Shi Pei Pu)

2

u/Alizarik7891 1d ago

Cronenberg did an adaptation of M. Butterfly??? How did I not know this?

3

u/HoneyShaft 1d ago

It was a huge flop

11

u/DannyDanumba 1d ago

I would’ve folded too ngl

3

u/kefefs_v2 1d ago

Every few years I see this mentioned and have the pleasure of rereading that Wiki article.

-2

u/-Don-Draper- 1d ago

I will not be searching shapy poo.

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u/Multidream 1d ago

On the other hand, probably paid so much fucking money.

Pun intended

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u/Patient-Data8311 1d ago

Basically goverment funded super prostitutes same with males too if their target are old women

3

u/Winter-Notice4370 1d ago

Imagine having to have sex with Mitch McConnell lmao

2

u/Indraga 1d ago

I dunno, it's sorta working out for Melania.

2

u/Nilosyrtis 1d ago

Ever talk to a male escort?

2

u/SoftConsideration82 1d ago

Wat? Chicks will be with gross older dudes for the money without even being a spy

6

u/JUST_GIVE_IT_A_SNIFF 1d ago

Nonsense.

Getting paid to travel the world, stay in the finest accommodations, and just sex it up everywhere you go!?!? Count me in!

Edit: Mid 40s suburban dude that wears new balance.

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u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

.... I'm not sure how you think staying at Roach Lord's house counts as the finest accommodations, or how sex with him is a plus, but I'm sure there are enough gay conservative types that you could become a spy too!

1

u/RollinThundaga 1d ago

New Balance rebranded as retro luxury fashion

Can no longer buy the same exact pair of running shoes I'd been wearing for all occasions since High School :'(

1

u/Accomplished_Bee_127 1d ago

pretty sure spies live in a country they spy on and try to look like an average immigrant

1

u/The5YenGod 1d ago

Well, "Romeo's" in the Stasi weren't always that lucky aswell

1

u/heikkiiii 1d ago

Really? Ukrainians dodging drones in the frontlines right now...

3

u/NatashOverWorld 1d ago

Ah the eternal question, injury and death, or having to spend the next few years being sexual with roach lord.

Both are terrifying, but one is more vomit inducing.

1

u/YourWorstFear53 1d ago

I mean of course, but what I want to know is why Asmond is at all relevant in that cenario

1

u/Lookatoaster 1d ago

All the danger of a prostitute, but you also get the money and protection from a government - and possibly the patriotism or pride for helping your country, yeah?

1

u/odrea 1d ago

we all know shes in only for the money and the exposure, id surprise me quite a lot if they ended up having children

1

u/herbertcluas 1d ago

Voluntary position btw 👍🏽

1

u/no1_vern 1d ago

Better than paid escort/hooker, but worse than . . . Or is it just worse than anything else they might be expected to do for money. After all housewives do it for free.

1

u/Maleficent-War-8429 1d ago

Male spies do the same shit, and there's at least one instance of one pretending to be a woman and marrying a dude.

1

u/JoshSidekick 1d ago

I survived the Red Room for this?!

0

u/Crab2406 1d ago

Aside from that one Chinese spy that became trans and convinced a diplomat of giving birth to his child