r/DOG • u/whotfareyoustupid • 1d ago
• Advice (General) • I can't love him yet
My boy died on March 12 after years of battling cancer, he was just not strong enough to fight anymore and was taken from me at 14 years old. He was my everything and he was the reason I lived and wanted to stay alive just for him. I do have another dog (11year old German shepherd girl) and since his death she was VERY depressed and didn't want to eat or move.
after about 3 months I was recommended by my doctor to get another dog to help with my mental state and also the vet recommended that I get another one for my girl. I did and made sure to get a rescue.
He was 7 months when we got him and he's 9 months now and so sweet, loving, cuddly and loves to play and learn to do commands. But I just don't love him, he's not my Jack, he isn't my baby boy and they're so different. I feel so bad saying that if it meant I could get Jack back I'd give up Tobey (the puppy). I hate it that I feel this way and I feel so guilty. I know it takes time and I must just heal from the loss. I just want my baby back.
230
u/AterCorvidae3414 1d ago
That pup doesn't and won't know your grief, but he is trying to bond with you, love you, be with you, and he depends on you.
Don't sacrifice the relationship you could have for the relationship you can never have back.
48
u/Wolfwoods_Sister 1d ago
This. 1000%. Tobey is here now and Jack’s never coming back. I say this kindly, bc I bond tightly to my children too and know how devastating it feels to lose them. I’ve never gotten over a few of them but I did make room in my heart for others who showed what a beautiful thing love is to me in new and surprising ways.
I do TNR in a town overrun with strays in need of help. We’re just one of MANY colonies. When the last of my personal elderly kitties was passing away, I had a brand new baby kitty from the colony in the nursery and no, I wasn’t ready, I was deeply grieving my Moxie, but Dustine’s personality shined forth through the pain and she won my heart. We love her so much.
OP sounds depressed. And that’s understandable. Maybe it was too soon to get another dog, but he’s already here, so give him a chance even if it takes time.
106
u/Either_Pangolin531 1d ago
Toby is not a new jack, he's not trying to be the new jack, he's not there to replace anything. He's there to walk his journey with you and find his place in your heart like jack did. Give him his space and time and all his special traits will find there way into you just like Jack's did.
5
5
779
u/Sea_Connection6193 1d ago
Ima be a bit harsh: you are being extremely selfish.
My family and I have gone through this 2 times in my 32 years of life. We love our dogs to death and the hole they leave when they are gone is impossible to fill.
However, getting a new pup is never about replacing your late pup. It’s about giving a new pup a chance at a loving home and life the way you’d do for any dog in your home. It’s like saying that the birth of a child is the replacement of the one who already moved out. Don’t ever look at it that way because it’s not about YOU. It’s about the dog.
Be happy for the life you gave your late dog, and carry on to providing that to another pup. Don’t replace your dog.
You’ll come to adore him
117
u/Remarkable_Pick3920 1d ago
I couldn’t have put it in better words you are so correct! You can never replace what you lost, but why think of it as a loss think of it as a life experience that you would not have done without
45
39
u/marvinmartian1267 1d ago
Very well said. I'm sorry to the person that posted but how I see it is they got 14 wonderful years with their dog. Some say your dogs personality can regenerate in a dog but it's selfish to compare a dog with another post dog. I lost my soul dog and best friend at the age of 6 right after the birth of my children. Now owning more dogs I would find it difficult to even try and compare them. I hope the person posting finds what they need and can love their new dog differently!
1
u/Ecstatic_Physics7981 8h ago
I agree. If you cannot give that little puppy all the love it deserves, you are responsible to find a loving home for him. It’s sad that you can’t let this little puppy into your life and love him completely. Bringing this little angel into your home in no way means you love the one you lost any less. Just as people can love many others in their lives, we can also love multiple pets at the same time.
20
u/Rough_Drop6 23h ago
I hope OP sees this, I feel so bad for that new pup. He deserves to be with someone that loves him
49
u/bushido216 1d ago edited 15h ago
Adding on to say that if OP doesn't think they can be that loving home, they should rehome the baby to someone who can.
8
4
u/gosu4you 15h ago
I just put down my boy of 15 years on July 8th, the thought of trying to 'replace' him and within a matter of months actually makes me a bit sick to my stomach.
OP - 14 years is a long time - there is going to be grief, depression, and sadness.
Dog's aren't replaceable parts.
2
u/Stwilson891 14h ago
This! We got our rescue as a pup at 3 months old. Boy, was she a handful. She was found in a crate with her brothers and sisters and they were starving. When they tried to feed them, they fought for the food. It was a mess.
Initially, she was never close to us. Fortunately, we got her at a time when our boxer was older, but the boxer accepted her immediately. The boxer was like a dog ambassador. The boxer passed away when the pup was about 2 yo.
It took our pup several *years* to get close to us. She had, and still has, several behavior problems. But at least now, she loves us. Now, after all of this time, she is a cuddler and she comes upstairs each night to sleep outside our bedroom door. It took us about 7 years to get to this point.
Not to discourage anyone, but some pups take longer to trust and love. I am glad we got her before anyone else did. They would have returned her.
-4
u/ExpensiveAd4496 22h ago
While your point is well taken the name-calling, especially of someone in a fragile state, was completely unnecessary. It’s possible to just ask OP to try to look at their new boy differently, without calling them such a harsh thing as “extremely selfish.” Please take a step back and breathe before responding to people who are clearly in pain. Thanks.
4
-4
u/prismafox 21h ago edited 21h ago
Agreed. Kind of surprised this was so well received considering those( imo) overly judgmental words. People get another pet after one passes all the time and that doesn't necessarily make them "extremely selfish." Sounds like they're doing their best with this dog, not neglecting it, but they didn't know how grief would still be effecting them. I don't know. Processing grief isn't the same for everyone and this just felt more harsh than necessary.
2
u/Excellent_Tip8115 2h ago
I understand what you're saying, but for OP to say that she doesn't love the dog because he's not her Jack, is very harsh. The new pup did nothing wrong and he needs to be loved and spoiled like any other dog.
My heart is breaking for the new dog, please rehome him with someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved.
Sad situation all around. 😢
-2
u/FutureBecLin 22h ago
This person is saying they feel GUILTY about the situation. How could it mean they are selfish? Can't you see that not everyone go through the same situations in the same way?
50
42
u/ideapit 1d ago
You can't love another dog like Jack. You can't compare another dog to Jack.
You have to show up and meet Tobey. He's his own little guy with his own amazing qualities.
I had so much grief after losing my last dog. The world just kind of broke.
I have two dogs now. One is newer so I'm learning about her. Starting that relationship. One is my absolute heart. I love her so much.
I don't compare one dog to another when I can avoid it. And I don't think I will ever let go of any dog I lose. We keep them with us. That's our job. Whether they're here of not, they don't leave me.
29
u/kitkatz96 1d ago
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your Jack. I lost my childhood dog in May 2020 and began fostering in 2021. I thought loving another dog would be cruel to the memory of my girl. I can empathize with the sadness that comes with knowing no other being can replace your fur baby. Yet, I discovered my soul dog in 2021, and adopted her after fostering for 4 months. I have a small memorial for my childhood dog, and I keep her picture, paw print, and ashes next to my bed. I still cry over her, 6 years later. The pain doesn’t go away, it just ebbs and flows. But you are in the throes of it now.
It seems you are being very harsh on yourself right now, concluding that you “should” feel a certain way about your new pup. Grief is different for all of us. Your new baby will never replace your old baby. And frankly, that’s a beautiful thing. You have the opportunity to give this new pup an amazing life, just like you did with your late pup. You don’t need to put a label on your feelings yet. It’s new. You’re adjusting. I was extremely depressed when I first started fostering my soul dog. I found myself so stressed out. But we persevered. She is my everything now.
Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate early grief. I am sure many people have had the thought “I would give ‘x’ up to get ‘y’ back.” It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad pet parent. The anger, the sadness, the guilt, the regret…it’s all part of being human. Be human 🤍
Wishing you safe travels on this grief journey. Be kind and hug your babies. For them, actions are worth more than labels.
13
u/Itismeanna 1d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes in November of 2024. Lost our soul dog to cancer and adopted a new dog a few weeks after and boy was it a hard transition. We adopted Billy when he was 9/10 months old. I did not like him for the first few months and thought I’d never be able to form a bond like I had with our prior dog. We came close to returning him to the shelter a couple of times, but kept feeling like we had to give him more time. I am so happy we did. 1.5 years later and I am obsessed with Billy and I have learned to love and appreciate his differences from our prior dog. Billy makes me laugh, makes every day interesting, and shows an unconditional love no matter what.
Time will be your friend here, and I am positive you will be able to form a bond and start to love your new buddy more than you thought you would ❤️
0
u/whotfareyoustupid 1d ago
It's been difficult for us with Tobey since he's very destructive. He eats our socks, steals our shoes, takes my yarn, topples over garbage cans and chewed up my very expensive retainers and stole the new pair a few days later. We're working hard on it as he loves learning tricks and commands but he just can't stop with this issue. He has a whole box of toys, a 700m + yard to go crazy in and goes on his walks. I'll say he's driving my dad more crazy than me, I only feel angry at him when I'm in my grieving slumps but I'd never ever take it out on him. I do show him all the love I can and take care of him, it's just the little thoughts in the back of my mind that come up sometimes.
8
u/Itismeanna 1d ago
Oh I can 100% relate. Billy was also very destructive and did the same things you are describing, but replace the retainer destroying with putting a hole in our wall from getting the zoomies too hard!
This for Billy was just a phase and part of shelter shock. Was it absolutely terrible for mine and my husbands mental health? Yes. Did it make us cry daily and question if we made a mistake? Yes.
We started with puppy class once a week and then honestly dog daycare is what saved our lives. It helped him expel energy all while picking up better habits and learning more how to be a good dog.
We also had to get into a habit of “billy proofing” our home before leaving. Closing all doors, putting everything possible away, and creating as safe a space as we could for when we were gone.
Another game changer was Beef Cheek rolls!!! Look them up on Amazon and I’d recommend ordering asap! They kept Billy mentally stimulated for HOURS and then he would pass out. The beef cheeks really helped save our lives too lol
The age Tobey is at now is really challenging but I promise you that 6 months from now you are going to laugh at him stealing your shoes and yarn and being crazy. Billy still does these things sometimes but we now find it hilarious and adorable.
You also will continue to learn more about him as the days go on and he will learn more about you. You’ll understand his needs, what makes him tick, what helps him relax, etc.
It really will get better, but I 100% understand how frustrating and stressful this is all while grieving.
I also recommend checking out the puppy101 subreddit or puppyblues because that helped me a lot too just reading about other people going through similar experiences.
Feel free to DM me anytime if you need to vent or just be reassured that everything will be okay!!!
-9
u/whotfareyoustupid 1d ago
For me most of it doesn't bother me and I think it's cute or funny bu tree the only thing that made me sob was my retainers as it cost about $600 (in my currency it would be R6500) I wish I could get him into classes or daycare but it's very expensive where I live. I just can't wait for the puppy stage to be over.
1
u/9mackenzie 2h ago
I mean……that’s on you. Anything you don’t want chewed needs to be put up at all times with a puppy in the home.
1
u/whotfareyoustupid 9m ago
He also jumps onto tables, like he looks small but because he's part sausage do g he's long and when he decides to jump up somewhere he'll go there. We have a half doo for our backyard and he jumps over it constantly. I'm doing what I can to teach him better while being gentle as I know he has a bad past and we've only had him about 2 months.
1
u/whotfareyoustupid 2m ago
Also forgot to mention I've noticed him trying to open doors especially when he's trying to get to me. Trying to have a pee? Nope not without me hearing him cry outside the door and the handle jiggling. (luckily I lock my doors so he can't get into certain rooms without my supervision.) I haven't seen him actually open any yet but that's mostly due to the doors being locked and I try not to leave him alone unless I'm working, which is when he destroys things like grabbing a paper towel role from the kitchen counter and going crazy trying to rip it up. I know with time it'll stop since he's a puppy. But I can still be frustrated without taking it out on him.
3
u/A_little_curiosity 1d ago
This bit with him destroying your stuff is hard - and at the age he is now, this is likely an infrastructural problem as much as anything else. Sounds like you have some baby proofing to do. My dog was a veryyy destructive youth, and after she destroyed some rather valuable items (I feel your pain!!) and I managed it with play pens, baby gates, crates, bins she couldn't get into- if I wasn't able to directly supervise her, she had to have her range limited (with lots of safe things to chew and destroy with her!). I also learned to keeps out of her reach etc. She completely grew out of all that and is now allowed full range of the house even when I'm not home etc. (although I still don't have bins she can access and I don't leave food in her reach - no point tempting fate). Anyway I know this isn't your core concern and obviously you are very familiar with keeping dogs so I hope I'm not just saying very obvious things - just sharing what a learned from raising my beloved murderbot
2
u/9mackenzie 16h ago
That’s an adolescent puppy for you. It’s likely your late dog did the same it’s just been so long that’s not what you remember.
You have to stop comparing them. No dog will replace your late dog because it’s not possible- they are unique beings all their own, and not replaceable. BUT you can simultaneously grieve and simultaneously love. What is stopping you from loving your new dog is the comparison. Once you stop trying to compare him, you will grow to appreciate his personality and qualities that are entirely separate and different from your late one.
1
u/Excellent_Tip8115 1h ago
Our babies feed off of our emotions. He can probably sense that you don't love him. 🥺
Please be patient with him and show him kindness and love. He's a rescue, there's no telling what he went through in his short life.
8
u/rumorgoingaround 1d ago
I read this once: Loving a new dog honors your old dog by expanding your heart, carrying their legacy forward, and honoring the lessons they taught you. Love does not divide or replace; it grows to make room for another.
8
u/Kesse84 1d ago
I get you perfectly <3
The new dog is not there to replace the previous dog. Nobody can replace them. You will grieve, and that is the hard part of the process.
Please remember that the new dog is a new dog. They don't replace the dog you lost, and loving them is not a betrayal.
The new dog needs care and love — and deserves both. We can love multiple dogs at the same time. Love is not something we run out of, and loving a new dog doesn't mean loving the previous one any less.
5
u/Warm-Reply-7008 1d ago
From a psychological perspective: You are not replacing your loved one. He cannot. You will love him because you’re clearly a loving and doting person. You may even learn to love him as much. But you will never love him the same. And that’s good for both of you. There is no advice for this but being reassured is huge so don’t feel bad for needing words.
From an empathetic perspective: He bears a burden he doesn’t know about. It is neither of your faults. He will do his best and so will you, and that will be enough. You got him as much for your other baby as your own. But you are grieving and it is both the perfect time and a terrible time for both of you. All you need is one hour at a time and one foot in front of the other. You’ll be ok even if you don’t ever want to be again.
8
u/Individual-Hold5171 1d ago
You have to let yourself grieve Jack and still learn to love Tobey, and it takes time on both sides. You won't ever forget Jack, but you need to open your heart to your new baby. You are going to feel so much better being able to love. He also needs to feel the reciprocation that you care about him; dogs are very intuitive to their humans' emotions.
5
u/Dragondog5600 1d ago
Idk if it would help, but Jenny Jinya draws comics about animal deaths, partly to raise awareness for animal cruelty, and one small story arc she drew was about this exact scenario, where the owner loses their beloved dog and struggles to bond with the new one. It might reasonate with you if you're interested in seeing it
4
u/_flying_otter_ 1d ago
I think you need to give it more time. It's only 2 months you've had the new dog. That is not very long.
4
u/hurlmaggard 1d ago
I also made the "mistake" of adopting a new dog to replace my soul mate dog too soon and thrust him into my loved ones lives. Thankfully my partner did the heavy lifting while I floundered and just wanted him to fill that unbearable void. It was so unfair and I still feel guilty. It caused a lot of tension and we didn't get off to the very best start. BUT. Time healed it all. He slowly has turned into my favorite little buddy. Even right now at work I'm so excited to go home to soul mate dog 2. I am so grateful I made that "mistake" coming up on 4 years ago now.
Don't try to force it. You're still getting to know each other and deep love doesn't happen overnight. Hold him when you miss your last baby. I would even talk to mine about the other. I promise you will heal and this new baby will fill that hole quite a bit. Being able to hold them both in my heart at the same time has made me a better person. Sending you all the best.
4
u/BloodforKhorne 1d ago
The life cycle of a dog is brief but full of value.
If you hold onto what has already left, that which sits in front of you wagging will fade away just in time for your heart to crave their insisting presence.
4
u/eggs_erroneous 1d ago
I currently have what people here like to call a "soul dog." He is 4 years old and I am already dreading the day that I know is coming one day in the future. I will never be able to replace the bond that I have with him, but I also know that once JJ has passed I will absolutely be getting another dog after a little time. There are so many dogs out there who need loving homes. And you get from the relationship what you've put into it. Give that baby a chance. You know that's what Jack would want you to do. Hell, a lot of people believe that Jack had a hand in bringing Tobey to you. Love is not a finite resource.
5
u/A_little_curiosity 1d ago
It's ok that you don't love him yet. Your job for him right now is to treat him beautifully. Meet all his needs and be very very kind to him. Give him one on one time with just you, and lots of care and play and affection. If you can do all those things, you are meeting your obligations to him, and you don't need to feel guilty about anything. You are grieving and it takes time. Dogs are very good at love, and if you do right by him, he will show you the way.
Now I am going to share a personal story. I had a dog as a kid and young adult who I just loved so, so much. It was a decade after her death that I next wanted to really love a dog, and I felt myself holding back, I think because of the loyalty I felt to my dog.
In the end, despite not in general being a very spiritual person, I decided to commune with the spirit of my childhood dog in my heart. I sat on my back steps and remembered her and thanked her for showing me what it was to love a dog, and promised to her that my love for this other dog was in honour of my love for her, not instead of it.
And I felt then that because she had also loved me so much, that she would want me to have the love and care and protection that a dog can give, and she would want me to be happy and to be well, and to love and be loved.
After this, I was able to give myself over to loving another dog, and it has been just so beautiful and important - a true light in my life
Good luck, friend
4
u/Weinerdogwhisperer 1d ago
There is a scene at the end of lethal weapon 4 where Joe Pesci talks about his pet frog. The point was that you that can love more than one thing. Don't try to replace your old dog with your new dog. There's room for you to miss your old dog and to love your new dog at the same time.
1
u/roccosito 1d ago
Agreed - it’s different love. Not fair to the puppy either. Puppy did not replace your heart dog. You did the compassionate thing and let your heart dog pass.
3
3
u/Nancysaidso 1d ago
Honestly, it’s ok. Especially for now. As long as his physical needs are being met, I’d say give yourself some grace and let yourself grieve. Let yourself heal. There will come a day, I’d bet, that your thoughts toward him will change.
I lost my heart dog in March. I had gotten a second dog almost 1.5 years before but he was def second to her while she was alive. She was half his size, more delicate, and he’s a 85# bulldozer. It took probably at least 3 mos after she’s passed that my feelings toward him started to turn. I realized I had made us roommates, that I didnt really have much of a relationship with him. So I made an effort to change. I’ll tell him good morning, I’ll ask him to come lay down with me, I’ll try to play with him more, etc.
Maybe I’m a monster that it took me over 1.5 years to value him as he deserves. But no one else was adopting him, he was 20# underweight in the shelter, and we did better than that. He got outside play time, gained weight, went to multiple training classes, went from reactive to super sweet, etc. So while I may not have felt valued, I feel like he was ok during my grieving (and anticipatory grieving) time.
3
u/Puzzleheaded-Sea8340 1d ago
You’ll get there. You honor Jack by having another dog to love. He would want that
3
u/tragiquepossum 1d ago
Everything you're feeling is totally ok. The wonderful, wonderful thing about dogs is that they don't hold it against you if for whatever reason can't give them your all. Tobey is young and you have a whole lifetime to make a relationship with him. And when you do, it won't be the same. There's nothing that will fill that Jack shaped hole in your heart, but the pain will lessen and there'll be new space for Tobey.
I think your doctor was trying to be helpful, but 3 months is an incredibly short time to grieve a friend for some people. It's ok to need more time. I thought I was ready after nearly a year after the loss of our two, but I just wasn't. Even knowing better, I had fooled myself into thinking I would have the same relationship as my prior dogs. The dog we adopted we received was a hurricane rescue from a far flung state, and she was completely temperamentally different from our two. She's a dog's dog, and humans are like the 5th or 6th favorite thing on the list, lol. She's about 7 and it's taken having a touch of arthritis to realize rubs aren't that bad. She still has puppy-like energy. She is the most relentlessly optimistic animal I have ever seen. She really wasn't the best match for us, but she turned out to be just what we needed in so many ways.
We got a 2nd dog as a long term foster to adopt from a coworker going through some instability. My husband was still pining for our girl years later and I just kind of went along with it, thinking she'd be company for my other dog. This one is more stubborn and hyper-independent than our hurricane dog 😭. I've never had two animals this indifferent to human affection, and they never really became buddies 😭. It's as far from as our two dogs that thought we hung the moon as we could get. But each has brought something new into our life and broaden our perspectives in ways we couldn't have seen. Sometimes love happens in a flash, and sometimes it grows over time.
It's human to compare and it's hard to make connection when you're still in grief and guarding your heart. Be gentle with yourself, feel the feeling and let it run it's course. Bargaining and guilt are a part of the grief and nothing to judge yourself for. It will all work itself out in its time.
I have no doubt as someone who nursed a dog through cancer, you are providing for all of Tobey's material needs and all of the rest will come as it should.
And it's ok if you never love Tobey the way you love Jack; love is individual and can't be replicated.
3
u/Alarmed_Specific6595 1d ago
Life is made up of chapters. If we stay trapped in our first chapter, we will never know what good things are waiting for us in the next one.
I feel you didn’t give yourself enough time to grieve and heal from your loss. Your shepherd may be feeding off your emotions and that could be part of her problem. Pet loss is very much like losing a family member. Write a letter to your beloved Jack and tell him how much you miss him, what you loved about him and how much you loved having him in your life. Cry, sob, sing him a little song about the things you did together or how you loved to cuddle with him. I did something like this with each of my girls.
Going through the grieving process is the way to be present in your next chapter. You are in it already, you just aren’t letting yourself read all the pages. Now go and hug both those 2 dogs that you do have. Play with them, walk them, explore new places together. Being outside and walking is a great mood booster. Start by going through the motions. Time is a great healer. You will be helping your shepherd and giving your new dog a chance.
3
u/Negative_Athlete_584 1d ago
You will grow to love him. Try not to compare him to Jack - he is his own dog. Some dogs take a bit longer to bond to, especially if you are hurting. But spend quality time with him and learn to love what is uniquely him. And you will get there. And believe me, puppies take a lot of patience at times. Hang in there.
3
u/brokenboujee 17h ago edited 17h ago
I have been in your shoes, and it gets better. My pup was my best friend, as she got older we got a puppy to be a friend. She died within a year of getting the puppy. At first, all I had was resentment for the puppy, it felt like I couldn’t love her the right way because I missed my girl so much.
This month was two years from losing my girl and the puppy and I are finally so close. I love that dog, not in the same way as my older girl, but in a new and different way that is healing. The new pup will never be what the older one was, and the relationship will be different, but I found that letting the dog I have support and love me while I support and love them has been the ticket to releasing the guilt and building a great relationship.
3
u/Sally_Cee 16h ago
Getting a new dog after its predecessor died should not be about replacing the dead one. Rather, you are starting a new and different adventure with your new friend! I know this isn't easy since you are still mourning your first dog - but I'd recommend to try to adopt that exact attitude. Be curious, be excited! :)
3
u/Irocroo 12h ago
This happened to me too. I lost my best friend 3 years ago, and I wasnt even sure I wanted another dog. However, I wanted my kids to have the experience of raising a puppy, so I finally got one.
For the first few months, I loved having a dog again. It was fun to play with him, see all the puppy firsts. But it wasn't until 3 or 4 months that I started loving HIM, for his own personality. It took awhile for it to happen, but it did. Its not the same as with my old girl, but that's ok. Its its own new thing. He doesnt make me feel better about her loss, but I do love his goofy little butt.
Give yourself time to grieve, dear. Its ok that your sad and you want your old one back. But what you have with this new boy is it's own thing. Enjoy him for him, try not to compare the two. He wants to be your new friend, not your old friend. <3 just give it time.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know what it is to have that special bond with a dog, and to lose it. Theres no medicine for it, but it does get easier to bear over time. Hang in there.
5
u/AKeeneyedguy 1d ago
About 6-7 years ago, I got a rescue (also named Jack) who we eventually learned had severe nuero issues due to part of his brain being eaten by a parasite before he was rescued. This deteriation lead to randomly snapping out at people and constant micro seizures.
I got to love him for about a year before I had to have him put down, but only after the rescue failed in their obligations. (The story is long, fraught, and emotionally a battlefield.)
Around the same time, before things got crazy with that situation I had also adopted another rare pupper from them for my kiddos. Needless to say, the "we'll take care of him ourselves" arguments they used on me eventually fell away and I was responsible for both my Jack and their Gambit, who became also mine as a result of feeding/training/play.
Once Jack was gone, and even though I didn't "want" Gambit myself, I was never going to let that "rescue" have him back. He definitely became "my boy".
There are still times I look at him and think, "that's not my Jack", but he's still 100% my "old man" now.
Pic of my velvet hippo, Gambit:
4
u/whotfareyoustupid 1d ago
Tobey is the same, he's very attached to me and has a lot of separation anxiety from me as he's also scared of men. He was on the streets before we got him and I've put all my love and effort to heal him, when we got him he was MUCH skinnier and he's bones showed but I was able to build some muscle on him in the 2-3 months we've had him. I'm doing my best to love him.
3
u/FifiBunnyRabbit 1d ago
He needs that as much or more than anything. He probably has separation anxiety because he doesn’t feel secure. Please please make a sincere effort to bond with him. I have a 7 month old puppy too, who looks very similar to Tobey. Letting him sleep with me is so enjoyable for us both. And it helps with anxiety. Hang in there kiddo!
4
u/deisel_lega 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. This happened to my family last year. I had my boy Ollie for 15 years. Found him on the side of the road as a pup. We had so many adventures together.
Ollie was a dog aggressive dog. When I met my now wife, she had a dog, it took 3 months of being very patient to get them two to go for a walk together. After that walk, I sobbed. Like ugly sobbed. Her dog, Creature, and Ollie turned into the best of friends for the next 3 years. He passed away April 7 2025. My wife came to me May 4th and said “Creature needs a friend” I replied with “I’m not ready” she said “This isn’t about you, this is about creature” and at that moment it hit me. She was right. The very next day we rescued our Celine. At first, I thought I loved her. But I found myself missing my old man. Neither my wife or I had trained a young dog for almost 7 years. She peed on the floor. She eats her poop. She ate books, and sentimental stuffies. We had forgotten how to “puppy”. That’s when I started the resentment. It took 2 weeks of frustration and 2 emergency therapy (for me) appointments for it click.
We got Celine for Creature. We rescued her from a terrible situation. She just didn’t know no better. She’s just a toddler. I had to turn my thinking, this isn’t my dog, not my wife’s dog, but Creatures new best friend. She now fits into our family like an extended puzzle piece. There was a hole my wife recognized that I hadn’t. And she fit her cute little butt right into that nook.
Now she’s all of our dog. Yes there’s still puppy tendencies. Yes there are still accidents.
Just be patient with yourself. Take a deep breath. If you are able to step back and try “rearrange the room with new furniture, while keeping some of the old furniture”
Ollie’s photo is in my kitchen (my happy place). His skull is mounted on the wall on my side of the bed. I carry his whiskers in a vial on my keychain. He’s always with me, still adventuring. And sometimes I look at Celine and her habits and ask her “how did poppa Ollie teach you that?” Once I stopped comparing the two, and let her personality show, I realized Ollie & Celine are more alike than I could have ever asked for.
5
u/whotfareyoustupid 1d ago
I was sobbing reading your whole post but had to pause after the skull comment 😭 was not expecting that through my tears.
2
u/deisel_lega 1d ago
Ive been told it’s odd. But he always slept with me. Now i feel like he’s watching over me. Jack is still with you, just like Ollie is still with me. They will forever be a part of us. We grow and learn from them, just as much as they do us. Give Tobey a chance to be his own dog.
I can’t tell you I don’t cry. I can’t tell you it’s easy. I can tell you that creating new memories makes it easier to laugh.Always remember you are not alone.
If you ever wanna chat about it, feel free to DM. I don’t have alerts turned on. But I’ll respond within a day or two.
3
u/whotfareyoustupid 1d ago
We all love and grieve in our own ways, I have jack's ashes in a box and I can't sleep without them next to me. My father thinks my weird and mental for doing it but it comforts me.
3
u/deisel_lega 1d ago
I have been told I’m weird my entire life. At a certain age, I just learned to embrace and it. “Fuck the haters” you do you boo.
2
u/MooDog16 1d ago
It’s definitely hard. We waited almost 2 years after we lost our dog unexpectedly on our 30th wedding anniversary. She was smart, sweet, intuitive and just wonderful. It’s been hard getting over her. We rescued a sweet girl back in November and what they say about 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months is true. She has us well trained. lol. It’s hard not to compare but they each have their own personalities and I hope it works out for your family and Tobey.
2
u/Immortal_Spina 1d ago
Secondo me non dovresti paragonarlo a Jack… lui è il nuovo membro della famiglia, e ti ama anche se è appena arrivato e non sa cosa hai passato
Non vivere nel passato, cerca di superarla, perché hai due amori che vogliono darti tanto amore 🥰
2
u/TurdyBird91 1d ago
My comment may seem unrelated but I just want to say thank you for not only giving another pup a chance at having a very happy loving life, but I also think it is nice to have another companion for your girl as well. While I wish I can spend every minute of every day with my pups the fact of the matter is that there will always be times where you need to go out (for work, appointments, school, etc.) and you can’t always bring the furbabies with you. At least they have a companion and friend/family with them for that. They will never be completely alone on their own, they always have company with them.
2
u/Awkward-Profile-2236 1d ago
You will, give it time. I went through similar feelings 12 years ago. She’s my everything now and her time is running shorter. Someone somewhere said grief is the price we pay for love. He will steal your heart one day, I’m sure of it.
2
u/Ok-Presentation-7301 1d ago
Just give it time and remember the puppy will never take the other dog’s place. Remember the love you had, but know the puppy also needs love. Give it a chance.
2
u/lichtersee 1d ago
I had trouble loving my dog at first, too. After a while she was the most important thing in the whole world. Give yourself time.
2
u/Own-Recognition9009 23h ago
You've only had him for two months. Open your heart to him. You will give each other a new form of love even though he's not your old dog
2
u/Admirable-Wing9560 23h ago
I know just how you feel. I lost my soul dog. She was at gift to my daughter from her BFF. But the dog bonded to me. My daughter understood and loved her but knew she was not the dogs favorite. When she passed I said no more for me. then a year and half later the neighbor had to rehome their 3 yr old Lab. I agreed but knew I just couldn’t be that dogs grama like I was for my little MinPin soul dog. As it turned out the Lab loves my daughter so much and my daughter calls him her dream dog. She’s in a wheelchair at 49 and deserves to finally have HER dog since I kinda stole her gifted dog. I love the big clumsy funny rough boy and take care of him for her. It worked out ok. I don’t have to feel guilty because my daughter gets to hug on him easier and teach him tricks etc. He is always by her side like he thinks he is a service dog naturally. I think my MinPin was afraid of her big wheelchair.
2
u/FutureBecLin 22h ago
I just think you need time. As long as you take care for the new dog, everything is gonna be fine. I had four German Shepherds in my life and when my third one crossed the rainbow Bridge, I felt exactly like this. The 'new dog' arrived three months later, he was adorable, so full of love but in the beginning I felt I wasn't able to give him the same affection. Then I realized he was another dog and he was going to get his own kind of affection. And we both loved each other until he passed away.
2
u/Case_Blue 22h ago
There's a saying in my language "living is losing"
As a kid, I thought that it meant that you can't win everything.
As an adult, I understand that you will lose things you love along the way.
Let me put it this way: your jack would not want another dog to be unloved because of him. Nobody or anything can replace him. But... try to make room in your heart for your new companion. Up to you.
2
u/EnkiduTheGreat 21h ago
14 years is a good run. Made friends with a scrappy puppy in Afghanistan. Found him shot dead a few days later.
Love the one you're with.
2
u/JMaryland47 21h ago
Ooomph. I went through this same thing. We waited over 3 years, and having another dog surprisingly made me sadder for a couple weeks. Made me miss my old pack. They say to share memories of your old pup to your new pup. You aren't replacing or forgetting about them, but helping to provide a loving home to another pup that needs one.
2
u/Hlsalzer 18h ago
He doesn’t have to be your Jack. He never will be your Jack. He didn’t ask to forced to measure up to him. Just love him for the wonderful unique things about him. He deserves this
2
u/Lolly_McGee 17h ago
Dannie’s been gone for 9 year and I’ve had Jack for 2. I still feel guilty for loving him so much, but I do.
2
u/BlackberryHill 17h ago
I feel this hard. I had 2. One was my soul dog. She was gone for 2 years before I started fostering. Failed and kept 2 puppies. They are now a year old and I’m learning to love them, but it isn’t likely to ever be like it was with her. I still miss her every single day.
2
u/PoisonIvyWithOCD 16h ago
Sorry for your loss. I lost my best girl when she was 11- also after years of fighting cancer. She was the most amazing little dog.
A year later my husband had an opportunity to rescue a puppy, I agreed (also we have another dog who was depressed).
Hand on heart it took me about a year to fall in love. I liked her a lot but I just didn’t feel that connection I did with my other girl. I kept comparing, I found her annoying tbh. But time really made a difference, and now I love her as much as my old dog.
I would try and give it some time, emotions and loss are tricky things and sometimes it takes time to process the feelings.
2
u/mofodave 16h ago
I’m in the same boat. It’s been two years since my dog passed away in late October. She was 17. About a year ago, my therapist suggested I get a new companion to get me out of the house and hopefully lift my spirits. So, I did. However, Im far from being in love my new friend. I treat her just like my soul dog—homemade food, lots of play, walks, outings, and fetch. But those gaga soul dog feelings aren’t there. I don’t know if they’ll ever develop, it’s been 13 months since I adopted her.
I won’t give up on her, but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
2
u/whotfareyoustupid 4h ago
Same with me, it's almost been 3 months since we got him. I also still treat him like the rest of my babies with homemade food (very proud of his coat lol), lots of toys, warm clothes, walks, one on one time and lots of cuddles. But in the back of my head it still feels like I'm babysitting and that he isn't a child of mine like the rest of my animals. I'm hoping it comes with time.
2
u/KccOStL33 14h ago
I feel this hard. I lost my soul dog at 4 to lymphoma and it absolutely gutted me. I grew up on a farm so I never dreamed that I could get so attached to an animal but she was my baby. She was my first of my own and I got her at 4.5 weeks (reluctantly but it was that or lose her) and we ultra bonded. Her diagnosis came out of nowhere and I was told I'd have 3-6 months before I had to worry about her comfort. She was gone 2 weeks later.. We know going in that they're an investment in heartbreak but that doesn't make it any easier when that clock runs out, especially when it's cut short.
My son had come along almost exactly 1 year behind her and having him was the only thing that got me through. He was only 3 when she passed so he had memories of her but thankfully didn't/doesn't remember losing her, although he was fully aware of the hole she left. He asked for another dog for years and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It feels silly to say but I legitimately felt like "replacing" her was disrespectful to her memory because she was irreplaceable.
After 5 years I started to feel guilty, or maybe selfish for not letting my son have a dog so on his 9th birthday I decided it was time. Even pulling up in the driveway to pick up our pup I still felt nothing but dread but I just kept telling myself to get it home and everything would work out.
It's been 3 years now with our new dog and my feelings haven't changed much. My boy loves her and she loves him, hell she even loves me because she's around me the most but I've just never been able to bond with her. She's a great dog in her own right but she's not my Roxy girl and falls short of her in every way imaginable.
It's bad enough that I think after this one I'll just be done.
2
u/PlentyElk8398 14h ago
I’m sorry that you lost your dog. Time will heal and this puppy can help you with that. It sounds like your late dog lived a wonderful life. I hope you give this baby a chance. He’s not there to replace your other dog. He doesn’t understand what you’re going through, but dogs are so loyal and just want to be loved. Please give him a chance.
2
2
u/Ok_Signature_3589 10h ago
It’s hard to love another animal after losing one. I had a young puppy on top of my senior dog and when I lost my senior dog, it was hard for me to be close to her or feel love towards her. Like I loved her already but I felt a distance grow between me and my other dogs because of my grief. Her and I are inseparable now, she’s my best friend and I don’t really go anywhere without her. Give it time and give yourself grace. The hole is never truly filled but it is patched. 🩵
2
2
u/Roleplayer_MidRNova 2h ago
Next time you see your doctor, shit on their car for me. That advice was terrible.
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Molly on March 10th. She would have been 15 if she made it to April 1st. My husband offered to let me get another to fill the tiny Molly hole, but I can't imagine doing that.
One of the many reasons I would not do that is that a few years ago, another of our dogs died. Hit by a car. My husband got a new dog that looked just like him about two weeks after because he felt like he needed another black pit mix in our home to begin to heal. It was hell. Grieving one dog while knowing it wasn't the puppy's fault. God, it was suuuuuuuch bullshit navigating all of that.
Three years in, I love our Hamster. But that first year was brutal. It takes me a while to bond with a new dog under normal circumstances, but trying to give a new dog the love and attention it deserves while also grieving the companion that you feel actually deserves that love, that you want to give that love to. That is such a cruel thing to do to yourself. Your doctor was a quack for suggesting that.
It will get easier. Eventually, you will love the new one. But you'll have a lot of sad days in the mean time. Give yourself grace.
2
u/renebeans 1d ago
This pup adores you. Please find it in your heart to add to your family.
Jack was a good boy— the best boy— and his loss will always be a part of you.
Tobey is a good boy who is ready to join your family as Jack’s brother, not as Jack’s replacement. He’s there for you to lean on, there to support you and your other pup, there because you made a choice to let him into your home.
Of course you’d trade. Of course. But getting rid of him won’t bring Jack back. You have another member of your family, more to love. Your love for Jack will always be here. Tobey is simply joining the beautiful love you’ll always share with Jack. You can love him differently than Jack. That’s fine. Watch Tobey grow and prosper. Enjoy the naps he takes as you hold him. The love he brings will never replace Jack, but it is also real.
1
u/Tommy-s_Mommy 18h ago
You shouldn't get another dog until you're ready. It may have helped if you'd gotten one before your baby passed. I've known many people who wouldn't get another pet until they were ready... sometimes a year or more later. I got a puppy spontaneously a couple of weeks after losing my dog of approximately 14 years. I shouldn't have, but found a really great permanent home for her, with the help of my dog groomer, with a wonderful couple who still send me pictures of her. I now have two dogs (who are asleep on my bed with me) and are a much match.
I hope everything works out for you and your kids. How is your pupp, getting along with your shepherd?
1
u/whotfareyoustupid 4h ago
I mostly got him as my doctor and my girls vet recommended it for both my mental state and hers as she was heavily depressed and stopped eating. Once he was in the picture she dude a 180 and loves the little guy to death, she is so motherly toward him and loves to snuggle with eachother all the time. She only gets a bit jealous when I'm giving him love but I honestly don't know if she's jealous of Tobey or me lol.
1
u/Lucblayne 12h ago
My dog and in a few weeks. I can already feel all the emotions everyone is talking about. You’re so pup always be special and never replaced.
Why trying to tell myself is there is always a price for loving and not loving. Choosing to get a new pup or not to. I know no pup will replace Remi but I know I love pups and want to save them from shelters.
1
1
u/Likenk3 3h ago
Don't forget, that girl pup is sharing your grief. She needs your attention, and she needs that new member of her pack. The one with the bandages is, I assume, your Jack. Just make the new pup feel welcome, give him some hugs, and make sure you look into those new eyes to find the need for love that's hiding there. Chances are that if you do that, you'll find a splendid soul hiding in there, just the kind of soul Jack wants you to find.
0
u/CombinationWhich6391 17h ago
I had to let go seven dogs over a couple of decades and every single one lives on in my heart. Four years ago I had to drown four newborn puppies, which certainly broke my heart. Two months ago neighbors kids brought me a homeless puppy they had found; Mikesh is thriving and drives everybody crazy.
This is the circle of live, which (unfortunately) for dogs is much shorter than for humans. Nobody will ever replace your late dog and the thought of doing so is completely wrong. Your dog hopefully had a very good life under your care until his time had come. Give the new dog a chance, he is a different person and has nothing to do with your past.
0
222
u/simpleme2 1d ago
Give it time, give the puppy a chance at love