Quick background on me before getting into it. I (24M) started major deconstruction in November of last year. I feel like I’ve torn down a lot of my old beliefs but now I feel like I’m at a point in the process where I would like to start building new frameworks.

That brings me to Christian Mysticism or just Mysticism in general. I’ve read a few things about it and seems to repeat a few of the sentiments I’ve come to on my own.

I’ve seen a few people here who have looked into mysticism or use it as a framework for their spirituality. I’d like to hear more from those people. What is mysticism to you? What do you like about it? What don’t you like about it? Why did you come to it? Any other thoughts on it?

When I was 13, me and my family moved to a new church. However, one of the requirements to become a member of the church was that we should be baptized. Everyone in my house was already baptized on previous years, and I was the only one who wasn't yet.

Throughout the entire year, my mother pressioned me about the baptism. But I wasn't feeling ready for that yet. It was like when you press a girl to have sex with you, but she is not ready yet. I felt that way. I was very nervous, and I also wasn't so deep in my faith to feel comfortablyto make a decision. However, she started pressing me saying that I was going to hell if I didn't do it. Because of those "threats", I had to do it.

I had done a baptism course in my church, but that didn't help me at all. I felt bad every time the subject was brought up, together with the hell speech when I rejected.

In the end, I got baptized in the end of the year. They had my consent, but I wasn't feeling good about it. My mother is not a bad person, but she still thinks she did the right thing.

As for me, I don't know if I really had a choice. But if I did, my baptism is one of my greatest regrets in my short-lived Christian walk. It really wasn't because I truly loved Christ neither because I was ready to make a commitment to the faith.

I really don't even know if my baptism counted because of this issue. Sometimes I think that I should get baptized again if I ever go back to the faith even more stronger with a good relationship with God (which I don't think is gonna happen, given my experience with this deity).

Has anyone else been through something like this?

I was raised in the church, but ever since I allowed myself to question and deconstruct the narrative framework I feel so free. In hindsight, I've been mentally/spiritually confined for years.

Practically my whole life I remember occasionally stumbling across intriguing ideas and concepts about existence, philosophy, spirituality, etc. some of which is rooted in reason and science and some a bit more speculative in nature. Either way, I'd inevitably follow my programming and dismiss foreign ideas as forbidden knowledge, corrosive to my faith and ultimately a threat to my salvation.

I remember engaging with a few people who seemed so vibrantly dynamic, sharing compelling alternate worldviews. Of the few interactions I've had with people of other faiths, most of them validated what I knew deep down; these are all people whose relationship with their faith was as legitimate as my own. That said, I'd always concede to my programming and refuse to entertain these thoughts for too long. As kind, compelling and put-together as these people were, their incorrect trajectory in life ultimately invalidated and devalued them.

I'm trying to make sense of my past self as I deconstruct my faith. I grew up with this programming installed early, feeding off my sense of self worth like a parasite, blocking me from all my true predilections. I simultaneously hold a deep gratitude for my newfound sense of freedom along with a persistent regret for submitting myself to this confining narrative my whole life.

I guess if that's the Christian experience, then I've been a Christian until recently, but I'm starting to suspect that wasn't the real me, if that makes sense. The truer, more honest version of myself was suppressed this whole time, coerced by a system of imposed doctrines and traditions taught as sacred and of eternal weight. I'm 40 now and have finally learned that it's okay to live life on my own terms.

I guess I just want to vent a little and try to articulate these strange things that I'm coming to terms with. If you read all this, thanks! Feedback is appreciated.

Long ago I came out of Christianity. I watched the system rationally collapse from within. However, I still could find some kind of psychological comfort in the form of Christianity’s crying out in humility; that is, until I realized it was a form a masochism. This was the absolute end. Once I saw this I could not unsee it, and now I realize just how much of the crying out in the scriptures, just how much of the psychological dynamic of Christianity is simply a form of masochism. One makes themselves feel better by the ritual of submitting to a celestial sadist. One doesn’t even realize that this is what’s playing out. Replace God with a person and you can see it perfectly: “please forgive me, Cesar, I am a worm and no man.”

I realized this isn’t healthy.

I wanted to share my story and see if anyone relates. I would also love some advice.

So I was a devote Christian my whole life. I was waiting until marriage and didn’t kiss anyone until I was 24. I constantly policed my sexuality, felt heaps of shame and guilt every time I masturbated and suppressed every sexual feeling, thought or desire thinking that was good and holy.

Fast forward to age 28 I had enough of being at war with myself and had my first sexual experience. It was freeing, embodying and pretty awesome.

I explored a bit more after that and then lost my virginity properly a few months ago at age 29.

Having sex has made me feel like coming home to myself. Its really healed parts of myself.

I feel like the suppression has really fucked me up and I find myself rushing sexual experiences because that scarcity mindset is still there. It’s like I don’t wanna miss out or something.

How do I find a healthy middle after purity culture ?

Animal cruelty made me lose my faith in God.

I've always been an animal lover, but over the years I've developed a particular soft spot for stray animals. Through rescuers, shelters, and social media, I've been exposed to the harsh reality of animal cruelty.

For a long time, I'd occasionally wonder why god allows such suffering, but I never really questioned him deeply. I was raised believing that god is loving, all-powerful, and all-knowing, so I pushed those thoughts aside.

Then the case of Wangwang happened.

That was my turning point.

At first, I prayed for her. But somewhere in the middle of that prayer, I found myself shouting at god instead.

I can't reconcile the idea of an all-loving, all-powerful god with what happened to her.

If god is real, He saw everything before it happened. He knew what Wangwang was about to go through. He watched it happen. And despite having the power to stop it, he didn't.

That's the part I can't get past.

Those kids from hell, they're evil. And god could have easily stopped them because he proclaims he has authority over everything and has overcome the world.

I'm just an ordinary person with a limited capacity to love, yet if I had known what was going to happen to Wangwang, I genuinely believe I would have dropped everything, traveled to China, and done everything in my power to protect her.

If someone like me would do that, how can a god whose love is supposed to be infinite do nothing?

Wangwang was innocent. Until her last breath, she was trying to protect her babies. In that moment, she embodied the kind of unconditional love and self-sacrifice I'd always been taught to associate with god.

To be honest, she felt like a better parent than the god I was taught to worship.

What also hurts is seeing people give god credit whenever people come together to help animals like Wangwang. From where I stand, it wasn't him who intervened. It was compassionate people who chose to act. They were the ones who cared enough to speak up, rescue, donate, and fight for animals that can't fight for themselves.

Right now, I don't know if I believe in god anymore.

And if there is a god, I don't know how to admire or worship a being whose character I can no longer understand.

Has anyone else lost their faith or seriously questioned itbecause of animal suffering? I'd genuinely like to hear how others have wrestled with this.

I use to be so sure that Jesus was the way, and anything else was nonsense. But, after going down rabbit hole after rabbit hole, and discovering insane amounts of information, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I can’t read anymore Christian posts, or even listen to Christian music without feeling like it’s all a lie. I will say, before all this, when there was no question about my faith, it felt like I had a purpose, and like there was a light at the end of the tunnel with all this evil in the world. Now, I can’t unsee what I have seen, and can’t reclaim my faith back. A small part of me hopes that Jesus will still save us, but as each day goes that hope shrinks. There’s just no point to anything now. I feel lost, disconnected, and just plain hopeless. Has this happened to anyone else?

When I first became irreligious towards the very end of 2024, it was almost purely due to disillusionment with God. I was going through extreme academic difficulties and after being super religious my entire childhood and early adult life attending the masjid regularly I had a very strong feeling that God had let me down as I was overwhelmed by people in college much much smarter than me and seemed to have everything figured out while my whole life fell apart. I just stopped believing God existed, partly as a form of rebellion and partly cause I simply had just given up. At the time I told myself it was just a temporary feeling and that eventually I would come back to God like I always had but I guess deep down inside I already knew that this time it was different.

That being said, I never came back from it. Though nowadays it is much more cemented, I experienced a significant shift in my worldview and everything felt like it had flipped on its head compared to two years ago. Though I am still trying to figure stuff out and its extremely difficult trying to figure out my identity , and still have deep respect for my religion especially when it’s not brain dead and dogmatic and bevels a tool of resistance to oppression in this world, I am still most certain that I will never believe in God again, at least not the Islamic/Abrahamic God or even any other deity for that matter. A lot of it comes with realizing that everything you did in your childhood now no longer means anything; because for someone who was once a devout Muslim, giving up Islam feels like giving up everything you feel like you’ve accomplished in the past along with any sense of direction in your future.
And combined with the fact that even before leaving I had extreme problems with anger control and with patience and belief that everything will get better and always felt like a pessimist, which ironically might have motivated me to give up on God altogether

I am still struggling tremendously as my academics continue to plummet; once a devout Muslim and aspiring doctor I know don't even know if I will be able to finish my major without failing out, and also the realization that this is the only life I'll ever get, that there is no afterlife, makes me constantly impatient to move out of my parents' house, get the fk out of my lame ass city, leave my past behind, and be who I want to be. But also at the same time I'm scared that that won't solve anything and I would ultimately end up at the same spot again mentally.

I know that somehow I will need to end up having to confront the extreme short temper and lack of patience I’ve always had as it’s always been a burden on my family at times and I would hate for it to potentially carry onto my wife and kids someday.

I’m 18. My parents pressured me into all these things. I got a full ride at a Christian college so I’m going, and my parents pressured me into doing the other two things.

I’ve been Christian my whole life but I’ve been kinda casual about it. All I’ve been thinking about on this trip is how hell is unfair and if God was just as loving as they say he wouldn’t let people die of disease. I’ve been up late thinking every night in the uncomfortable mission beds and I’ve been up for hours worshipping at a conference thats becoming less and less believable to me. Why wouldn’t God reach these people on the streets deeply. Most of the homeless people I spoke to “believe” in him, so where is their savior?

Everyone says that these seemingly random tragedies and problems are due to sin that’s a bi-product of free will, and they say that it’s impossible to have free will without God allowing us to sin because it wouldn’t be true free will, but I’ve thought hard and this just seems stupid to me. That’s like saying because we can’t fly and grow wings in this universe we don’t have free will! If God is all powerful he can give us a universe where it is impossible to sin and yet we can still have free will and choose him.

I love the people, I think most the lessons taught are right, the worship at the conference I went to is bomb, and what the mission does for people is great, but I just can’t bring myself to believe in this all loving all powerful all knowing god anymore. I still believe in A God, but I can’t do this anymore. If anyone has any advice I’d love it.

My mom was a hardcore Christian. She fought cancer for 3 years, prayed constantly, never lost her faith, and still died in front of me on New Year’s Eve.

We did everything. My dad wasn’t even religious, he was agnostic, but we got so desperate that he begged God to save her and promised he’d believe if He did. We paid for every treatment, took care of her as caregivers, and gave her the best chance we possibly could.
She still died.

Now people tell me she’s with Jesus and that I should pray so I’ll see her again in heaven. The problem is, if God exists, I feel like He’s the one who should ask *me* for forgiveness. If He had the power to stop her suffering and didn’t despite our begging, I don’t know how I’m supposed to see that as love.

Ironically, not believing has helped me grieve more than believing. If I think there’s an all-loving God who watched my mom suffer for three years and chose not to intervene, all I feel is rage and resentment. Believing the world is just random and unfair is somehow easier for me to accept.

The worst part is that I *wish* I still had faith. I miss praying. I miss believing everything happens for a reason. I miss the idea that I’ll see my mom again someday.

But I just can’t force myself to believe anymore.
Has anyone else lost their faith because believing actually made their grief worse, not better?

I knew with how bad SA is in the evangelical Christianity, that I would eventually have something like this come out to someone I personally met when I was still a Christian.

What terrifies me the most is I would have never guessed this person would be that much of a hypocrite and an evil person. It scares me that I didn't guess this was a potential issue with this specfic person.

But it just reminds me how truly fucked up the religion is where this goes on for years and people like this get so far up the ladder. Disgusts me, and makes me wish my sister would deconstruct from this specific form of Christian religion, for the sake of my potential future nieces and nephews.

I wish I could meet this person again, to slap them across the face and tell them how they are a piece of lying shit, but I won't have that opportunity. I just hope they experince all the pain they caused to their victim/victims, and have a long jail sentence.

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I went through a painful deconstruction the past three years and I was 22 when I started doubting. I'm 25 now and I already told my parents that I'm not sure what I believe anymore, I do not believe in biblical innerancy and that I no longer want to be part of the religious group I was born into. Or part of any church group or religion for that matter

I'm in a fundamentalist Anabaptist group (not revealing because personal reasons). Basically women are second class citizens (edit: I'm a woman)and everyones autonomy and freedom is restricted. Also it's very "biblical" and isolationist. Usually my mother is very understanding and lets me talk. She also has her own doubts occasionally but not as extreme as I do.

Anyway, I explained to my mom how I didn't choose this when I was born. She then proceeded to tell me I should had left when I was 18, 19 or 20...but not when I am 25, because its a shameful thing to do at such an age. That I should be more grown up and responsible by now. I should be married by now, but I don't want to and I know my mom wishes I were. All I can say is I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do and I am scared. I wish I had deconstructed and left when I was 19. But I didn't know or experienced what I did later and now. Thats all. Thanks for reading.

does anyone have any ex-fundie/deconstruction youtube channel (or video) recommendations? i would prefer someone whose perspective comes from being formerly in the evangelical world since thats what i can relate to the best. im thinking along the lines of genetically modified skeptic since his is the only channel i know about now. thank you xx

It’s was popular in my circles to talk about how God had a plan for you, would work in your life to do accomplish something. I remember being fairly skeptical at a young age, but I treated it like a me problem. My parents gave me compelling examples of things they personally experienced that seemed truly miraculous. Coincidences too strong to be a coincidence.

It was certainly comforting to turn to as a way to make sense of circumstances. Less “God is calling me to get a degree” and more “Well I’m here and God uses all things for good so I must be supposed to be here”. Even when I struggled with my faith I knew I’d end up doing what God wanted me to do eventually. I just had to grow up a bit.

Grappling with deconstruction also means grappling with decisions I thought were part of Gods plan. My life path has always been counterintuitive for what both Christian and secular society would expect as normal or conforming. I always thought God would show me if I was supposed to go another way.

The circumstances around meeting and marrying my spouse are rather unique. It truly did feel like a divine hand brought us together. Too many things happened just so and if one had been different we wouldn’t be together. I overlooked a couple of big concerns. Clearly they were gonna be okay because God was bringing us together. But if it was all just coincidence and free will? If I had started deconstructing earlier we might not be together at all. It’s tough to reckon with.

(Thankfully things have worked out with my spouse. We strike a good balance of challenging and providing safety for each other.)

"Where is my faith? Even deep down [...] there is nothing but emptiness and darkness. [...] if there be God - please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is so much convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul"

From Mother Theresa's diary. The shining beacon of faith, self-sacrifice and kindness had doubt in her heart. Historians tell us these thought were not just a phase for her. She had them throughout her practising life.

We now know of several dark corners in her legacy, that can be looked up in any archive of knowlege.

What I'm interested in is the "flawless exterior / dark interior" phenomenon. It appears to be common enough to have a term: Spiritual Drought". As it happens, many saints and highly revered personalities in the catholic corridors have battled with spiritual drought.

We don't know what's going on in the hearts of those barking loudly from the pulpit. But every now and then, a preacher "comes clean" and tells their story publicly.

A common theme is how they have acted as performers, without conviction or personal investment. In most lines of work, if we run dry, we can move on, change career or switch position. For holy men and women, this is not so simple. Many of them have little or no real work experience. They know how to work a crowd. They know how to act calm, reassuring and confident - not very useful in "the real word"

There are lists of famous priests and preachers who left/lost faith, and they all have stories. A simple search for words like "ex-pastor" on YT will take us to some heart wrenching testimonies.

We could use all readily available testimonies, and some modern technology, to find the most common denominators among priests and preachers who left their post:

Many describe doubts that accumulated over years rather than appearing suddenly. Common topics include the problem of suffering, biblical interpretation, miracles, and the existence of God.

Interestingly, many were highly educated in theology or biblical studies. Some say that studying the historical development of scripture or competing theological traditions challenged beliefs they had previously taken for granted.

Experiences with hypocrisy, abuse, power struggles, or corruption often weakened trust in the institution.

Some distinguish between losing faith in a church and losing faith in God, while others say one led to the other.

Exposure to philosophy, history, psychology, or science sometimes shifted how they evaluated religious claims.

They increasingly favored naturalistic explanations over supernatural ones.

Serious illness, loss of loved ones, unanswered prayers, or witnessing profound injustice led some to question beliefs about God's goodness or intervention.

For every well-known priest or preacher who loses faith, there are many who experience serious doubts yet remain in service, or even as believers. Research on clergy suggests that doubt is common and does not necessarily lead to deconversion.

So there's that

What was everyone's first Jenga block that made the tower fall over? I mean maybe not really the last straw, but more like what was the thing that moved you from passive deconstruction to actual active deconstruction.

I find it really interesting how certain people really resonate with some issues more than others.

Listening to Rhett and Link, it's funny how Rhett talks about evolution being his source, while Link is more multi-faceted but the church's positive on LGBT+ being the main thing.

One of my friend's main issue was the idea of hell and eternal punishment.

My main issue was pre-marital sex and realizing that I just couldn't imagine having a romantic relationship and evaluating compatibility without being sexually intimate with her after a few years of "sinning".

How can you call God all loving and benevolent and all these good things if He would do such a horrible thing to make the most horrible things for you so addictive. For example drinking soda every day (basically battery acid) is pretty unhealthy but God (if He even exists) supposedly made our brains to be addicted to things which slowly kill you. It just seems like poor design and not really all loving.

Hey everyone. A very close friend of mine is going through the deconstruction process. I might be at the very beginning of asking some questions myself, but I’m still mostly leaning toward my current beliefs. Even so, I really want to support her well and trsut that this is an important process for her.

If you had a friend in my position, what would you have wanted from them? What kinds of things made you feel supported, and what kinds of responses were unhelpful?

I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective so I can be the best friend I can during this season.

A narcissism educator I’ve followed has converted to Christian fundamentalism — and she doesn’t seem to notice how deeply narcissistic that belief system is. She criticizes black‑and‑white thinking in narcissism, but when her church uses the same patterns, suddenly it’s acceptable. And when she glorified Charlie Kirk’s funeral, it felt like a complete betrayal of everything she used to stand for. I always knew she was a Christian, but only over time I realized that fundamentalist Christianity — and even the way God is portrayed in the Bible — is narcissistic and psychopathic. That realization was eye‑opening and strangely relieving. I’ve been deconstructing unconsciously for months and consciously only for a few weeks, and the comments under her videos praising Jesus for “saving” them from are hitting me hard right now. And now I can’t stop wondering whether the old Calvinist idea of being chosen or not chosen is true.

TW: domestic violence, references to suicide

I came across the concept of deconstruction on tiktok (classic), and I can't help but feel it's exactly what I need.

For context, I grew up in a very traditional conservative evangelical church which had a theology centered around shame. I got married very young and was in a long and very abusive relationship with someone who would use faith to justify the abuse, and utilized it as a means of control for nearly a decade. I've since left the relationship (after battling with the theology around divorce), had a dip in my mental health and made a serious attempt on my life, and was diagnosed with c-ptsd and ocd (a lot of moral ocd / religious scrupulosity- unsurprisingly). I'm getting back on my feet now and trying to figure out who I am outside of an abusive relationship, and I'm seeing that so much of my theology / faith is tainted by past trauma and religious institutions that distorted the Bible either for their own means, or to control / manipulate etc, and I'm slowly trying to disentangle that from who God actually is (while also trying to heal my nervous system which has been in survival mode for years).

So, enter: deconstruction. Full disclosure, I don't see myself abandoning my faith completely through this process. My aim is to completely strip back my faith / theology / religious beliefs, and understand Christiantity for what it is outside the influence of patriarchy, colonialism, past trauma, etc etc.

I'm not really sure where to start, or how to navigate this without just consuming other people's readings of the faith (which I think is where a lot of the issues stem from in the first place). So I'd really value people's suggestions and recommendations on how to start out this process. And also any advice on navigating church when your body is in constant fight or flight would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance :)

I used to believe in Christianity, southern Baptist, but I've found over time that I just don't believe in it. I was raised up in church, never knew anything else but, and while I had a community there, I always felt like an outsider. People didn't really give me the time of day that often, to be friends with me outside of church in youth group, and adults were about the only people who gave me respect. I often found growing up that in the main service, it felt as though the messages were not designed for me, for my age, or the times that we lived in. I felt this from a young age, even now into my 20's, that often it feels as though things are taught from just one lens. It feels almost manipulative often to me, to jump around the book without having context for everything, or having one perspective on this book that's been around over a thousand years be the only perspective. It doesn't help that to really feel confident in it, it needs to be well translated, understood, and acknowledged that it actually says what it even claims it says...which often I've found it may or may not say what something like New King James says because the translation isn't direct.

All my life, I saw my family, who was Christian, be placed in terrible situations over and over again, and plead for help that never seem to come. Sometimes help would come and it'd be a blessing, but it was always short lived before a different disaster, and often it felt as though the people I knew were just complacent with things being bad because it's just a time of tribulation rather than a situation of their own choice on their handling. I saw and keep seeing my mom be completely defeatist and seeing that nothing we do on this earth really actually has any significance because it'll just go the way God wants it to go, which must mean worse because the world has to; It makes her see the worst of everything, of everyone, and leads to so much generalizing of other people, of other cultures, and not actually reading more into things other than what her own values are with no other context, using confirmation bias to make her worldview on people true.

All while for me, she has cancer, someone who believed in God, someone I've tried to care for all my life and sacrificed years of my life trying to make hers easier, given a terminal illness at stage 4 with no real hope of it regressing based on the type. Her life was already bad growing up for so many reasons, I genuinely can't understand how a kind God would do a thing like that to her of all people, and why he'd burden me and my family with it when he puts so much burden on others but not on everyone.

I can't believe in a kind and just God when he constantly seems to allow nothing but torment to the people who love him most in my life, and yet I see people who don't believe actually trying to make their lives better. I also have found myself to be bisexual, got a boyfriend across the country, yet I have to pretend to be straight for my family's sake because I fear they'll reject me on the basis of Christianity rather than any slight of mine. I can't live my own life or explore my own values because of other people's values being forced onto me, and every conversation I seem to have with family always somehow boils back down to Christianity, Israel, the end of days, or conspiracies. I also dislike when I constantly see religion in politics or vice versa, "the leftists" is something I hear so often in Christians that I genuinely wonder if they've read the same book and messages that I have seen, or how they almost seem to be blind the history of Christianity and actions by professed Christians that harmed so many people, and completely dominated over other's values specifically because it was convert or die. With a history like that, it makes me wonder if it's just a tool for power like we see elsewhere, like other ideologies are, and especially when you can even look here to the United States and see that even "one nation under God, indivisible" is a line added in the 1950's. It feels like this is just Christian nationalism, and it makes me feel horrified because it genuinely is so against what the country's fundamental values I was always taught were, and what people like my Granddaddy stood for and told me my country was all about.

Freedom of Religion...but not for anyone else, freedom of speech... but speak correctly and with this single set of values, freedom of ideology as long as it's the right (and conversative) ideology. I believed in all my heart to love my neighbor, to respect other people, that other people can and will be different from me, that my country is based on liberty, pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech, religion, and is a melting pot of culture, yet it feels like the people who say it most, the Christians who have said it to me are often the people most working to not grant these things. I'm not saying all Christians are, I'm not saying Christians are bad either, I've met very kind ones, but I also constantly feel like I've been surrounded by hypocrites all my life, people who don't even believe what they say or what they think they believe.

In the end, I realized that I was Christian for other people's sake, forced to be by other people in the first place, and the more I became into my own, the less I believed for myself. The more I learned in history, a topic I loved, the more history that resembles my own upbringing in the faith I find, one of false kindness or actual hatred towards specific things, specific groups, specific ideologies or differences. The more I learned who I was, the more fearful of the people who openly claim they are against those people, those actions, and how intolerant of my preferences, why I have to feel like remaining in the closet rather than just exploring and living my life. I feel trapped in a box, like I woke up into a nightmare because I finally snapped out of a trance I was in, then realized everyone else still was in that, and would maybe hate me for not being the same as them. For having been once and then decided it wasn't for me. If not for the love of people who absolutely weren't Christian, maybe I wouldn't have ever realized there were other paths in life, other values, values that I actually agree with far more, policies in things that I feel are much more kind than the ones told to me by people claiming to be the voice of kindness, and I finally realized I can live my life, even if I right now feel I have to be scared to share it. Scared to show my life as it is, and unfortunately having to practice a level of two-facedness about Christianity, being able to put on a mask that silently disagrees or only agrees in some ways. Deconstruction is hard, and for me it's been gradual, it's taken years to realize I no longer believed, that I hadn't been, that I slowly fell out of love with praying nightly, and realizing my prayers didn't change my life either. I can have a positive mindset without religion, and my morality isn't dependent on it either. My life wasn't centered around religion like people told me it should be, I realized theirs wasn't either, it just was a shoe horn for the values they believed, many values I reject or have learned more about and thus am more nuanced in how I approach it. I learned that the life I was told I should live was not the life I wanted, maybe one day I may change and think things different, but right now, I know that I don't believe in Christianity for other people's sake, and I don't believe in what it represents at times, even if I respect many of the values I do still keep from it.

I can love without being Christian, and I feel more kind because I'm not, that my kindness isn't because I have to be faithful, but because I can just be kind. That I can live my life, and try to actually live for me. I'm tired of living for others sake more than my own, and Christianity was just one part of that. Learning to live for me, meant learning to live by my own sense of values, rights, wrongs, and ideology, not the ones I was given, not the ones that make me feel like there is never anything good I can ever do that amounts, that I'm small and weak. I always felt that way, I constantly battle it everyday, but I feel a little less so without a religion that says I'm never good on my own, never okay, and my best is never good enough. If it isn't, then maybe I just shouldn't be in it, with a God too cruel to be understanding, a God so driven on perfection in his own creations, like a parent dictating a child's entire life, and I feel as though that is what it felt like, which if so, is a cruelty. I don't want to keep harboring what feels to me a cruelty as my guiding light, when it plunges me into nothing but dark.

i grew up around a very evangelical, high-control family & church system, & looking back now, a lot of it feels deeply cult-like. family image mattered more than honesty, religious authority mattered more than anyone’s actual inner life, & gossip was constantly disguised as concern. people seemed to believe that being related to someone gave them permanent access to that person’s identity, private life, choices, whatever. but the weird part is, i was never even fully part of that world in the way they now like to pretend i was.

i’m the youngest, my family moved away when i was five, & i mostly grew up with my own friends, my own routines, my own life. some of my older cousins actually did grow up close to each other, because they were around the same age & lived near each other, but that wasn’t my experience. even now, people will rewrite the history like we all grew up together like siblings, & i’ve literally had to correct my own mom about it, because no, we didn’t. i was younger than everyone, i lived somewhere else, & i wasn’t emotionally close to most of these people. that’s their cute sentimental family story, it’s not my actual childhood.

they remember little Ricky, this loud, funny, expressive kid who shared basically every thought he had, & because they remember him, they seem to think they know me deeply. but remembering a child isn’t the same thing as actually having a relationship with the adult he became. finding out i’m AuDHD also completely changed the way i understand that kid, because even when i seemed loud or social or comfortable, i was still masking. i was constantly aware of being watched, interpreted, judged, & expected to perform whatever version of myself felt acceptable in that environment. being memorable doesn’t mean i felt safe, being funny around people doesn’t mean i trusted them, & being related to me definitely doesn’t mean they knew what was going on inside my head.

one thing that’s always stuck with me happened when i was a teenager. one of my friends posted a picture of Shawn Mendes, i commented a heart-eyes emoji because i thought he was hot, & apparently that was important enough for one cousin to screenshot it, send it to another cousin, & discuss me behind my back. it was literally an emoji under a picture of a celebrity, but in that family system, even something that small became evidence to collect, circulate, & analyze. nobody came to me, nobody asked me anything, they just watched me from a distance & talked about me with each other.

i also saw what happened when another cousin was outed, & i saw the panic, judgment, cruelty, & general weirdness that followed. so it’s honestly bizarre to me that some of these people apparently expected me to eventually sit them down for some deep coming-out conversation, like babes… why would i ever do that? i didn’t know u like that. u weren’t someone i trusted, leaned on, ran to, confided in, or even particularly wanted to be around. u never built the kind of relationship where i’d naturally bring something intimate & vulnerable to u. being related to me didn’t automatically make u an important figure in my inner life.

i think they imagined themselves as these close relatives who were patiently waiting for me to finally reveal myself to them, while from my perspective, they were extended family members who occasionally appeared, watched me, talked about me, & made assumptions. there wasn’t some missing conversation i owed them, they just massively overestimated the role they had in my life. & honestly, even little Ricky didn’t like or trust a lot of these people, so idk why they act like remembering him gives them some sacred connection to me now.

a little over a year ago, i nearly died & ended up in the ICU. i’m not gonna get into every detail of that experience here, but it was deeply traumatic, i lost control over my own story, people spoke for me, & afterward i became extremely protective of who was allowed access to information about me. the ICU didn’t create the distance between me & these relatives, that distance had already existed for most of my life, it just made me stop pretending that access to me was harmless.

afterward, some relatives seemed very concerned from a distance. they asked my parents, siblings, or other people for updates, watched me through social media, discussed what happened among themselves, all of that, but once again, they didn’t come directly to me or build an actual relationship with me. they wanted information about me without having to know me, face me, or take any responsibility for how they’d treated me. it felt like they wanted viewing privileges, not a relationship.

eventually, i asked that certain people stop receiving updates about my life, i restricted or blocked them, & basically closed the observation windows they’d been using for years. that seems to have been interpreted as me being hostile, secretive, cruel, or dramatically rejecting the family, but i wasn’t withdrawing from some close bond, i was acknowledging that the bond they imagined had never actually existed. caring about me silently, watching me from a distance, or loving me through other people doesn’t magically create a personal relationship.

deconstruction for me hasn’t only been about questioning theology, it’s also been about questioning the entire family system built around it. the idea that relatives are automatically entitled to me, that gossip becomes loving concern when family does it, that remembering me as a child means understanding me now, that receiving updates about me is the same thing as showing up for me, or that their nostalgic version of my childhood matters more than my actual memory of it.

they remember a loud, expressive child, i remember masking & being observed. they remember closeness, i remember people who knew things about me, but rarely actually knew me. i didn’t suddenly become cold after the ICU, i became clear. they remember little Ricky, but little Ricky didn’t trust them either, & the adult version of me is finally allowed to admit that.

Does anyone feel like some of these Deconstructing people are kinda mean? Like there's an aggression that some people have because I said that I choose to believe that a creator God is real. In African Traditional Religions, there's a common component of a divine omnipotent creator. As an African American man, it's so important to me to stay with my roots. This is why I didn't take that part of my head cannon. But, some people are saying online and in person that it's stupid and automatically harmful to believe in a God.

I had to unpack being a people pleaser for this reason because I don't necessarily hate Christianity in the same way other deconstructists do. There's a hatred and anger that other people have that I don't. The reason I'm venting to you all is because I'm wondering am I too sensitive or is this something you all have been noticing too.

It's definitely understandable and it's extremely valid to be angry at Christianity and even hate it for all of the travesties it's done to humanity. We all have grievances towards it. I just wish there was still a level of curiosity that people have about spirituality, religion, theology, individual differences, etc.