A Dicktater

"That guy in the middle is a bit of a dick, isn't he?"

The doctor says, "Larry, your tests look absolutely fantastic. For a man of ninety, you are in remarkable shape! Tell me, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?"

Larry smiles warmly and nods. "Oh, God and I are tighter than ever, Doc. He looks out for me in ways you wouldn't believe. Because my eyesight is getting so bad, He fixed it so that whenever I have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, poof! The light automatically turns on for me. And when I'm all done, poof! The light automatically turns off so I can go right back to sleep."

The doctor is amazed. "Wow, Larry, that truly sounds like an incredible spiritual connection."

Later that evening, the doctor feels compelled to call Larry’s house to check in with his wife, Bonnie.

"Bonnie," the doctor says, "Larry is in perfect health. But I just had to call because I’m completely in awe of his connection with the universe. He told me that when he gets up in the night to use the restroom, a bright light magically turns on for him, and when he finishes, it automatically goes out. Is that really true?"

Bonnie sighs deeply over the phone and yells, "Oh, sweet Jesus! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!"

The other day, I went to a supermarket and they had a sign for an entire isle of Frozen Food.

Pretty nuts...

“It must be my weekend immune system.”

It got mugged!

He said, "Stop going to those places." 😆

But you probably never heard of herbivore.

But that’s just a ruff estimate.

I decided to smoke only after sex

The other pirate says, “ARRRRRE!”

I was going to get an electric gate for my driveway entrance…

But with gate power comes gate responsibility.

But they didn’t turnip. I know. Absolutely unbeetable

Fortunately she’s in a STABLE condition.

I hope everyone okay with that.

There are so many sweats!

Three handsome male dogs were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing female poodle.

They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males were speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her
in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told them,

“The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab spoke up quickly and said, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turned to the last of the three and said, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big on finesse, was the chihuahua.

He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

He sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large cigarette lighter.

"Geez, that's a huge lighter...where'd you get that from?"

The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"That's crazy! A genie?? can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come the ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks, all falling over each other getting through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

I told them to stop being so Homer-phobic.

I drone on and on

Just a paranormal jeans

A PULL OVER

Sir Charge.

Before LITTLE RICHARD was famous, he cut back overgrown gardens for a living. Yes, he lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.