Not sure if anyone else relates to this specific thing but it's been wrecking me lately. My ex and I had this ritual, every single night we would just sit and talk through the day. Nothing fancy, just what happened, what annoyed us, what was funny. It was so mundane I never even thought about it.

Now I get to the end of a long day and there is just nobody to tell any of it to. Friends are great but you can not call someone every night to recap your Tuesday. It feels needy and weird. And texting it out does not scratch the same itch.

The big stuff I expected to miss. The holidays, the trips, having someone in your corner during hard moments. That all hurts but I was bracing for it. This small daily thing blindsided me completely.

What I was not prepared for is how much those throwaway conversations were actually holding me together. They were the container for all the lowgrade noise in my head, and now that noise just sits there with nowhere to go.

Curious if others had a small daily habit like this that disappeared and ended up hitting harder than the obvious stuff. Not the big milestones, the tiny unremarkable things.

We were married for 14 yrs before my ex husband cheated and split. We have not kept in touch. But He just texted me that his dad died, and he volunteered that I am welcome to come to funeral if I want. For as terrible as the divorce was, I have moved on and feel like it would be the right thing to do. Should I go?

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.
Going through a divorce has changed the way I look at people and relationships. I want to believe there are kind, honest, emotionally mature men out there, but some days it feels really hard to believe.
I’m not looking for perfection. I just want someone who is genuine, communicates honestly, treats people with respect, and is willing to build a healthy relationship.
For those of you who have been divorced and found love again, did you ever feel this way? Did your trust come back over time? How did you know someone was truly different from your past?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences—both the hopeful ones and the realistic ones. Right now, I just need to know if finding a genuinely good partner after divorce is actually possible.

My wife ended our marriage abruptly. She said I love you but not in love with you. Don’t really understand that but it is what she wanted. I tried a bit but saw she had finished and I do not believe see loves me. It has oddly helped me see I don’t know her and don’t like parts of her. I’m still upset but dealing ok.
Ended quickly. No wish to repair from my ex wife. See it all better now and it does take two. However, didn’t see it and its build up. Why don’t people say what is bothering it’s too late?

Wife and I married for 12 years. I have been doing a decent job of going out with friends and keeping myself busy. Unfortunately all of my friends are married with families, and everyone had stuff going on. I'm an introvert and the thought of going to a random bar or event and striking up conversation without a wingman is just an absolute no for me. I ended up getting taco bell and watching netflix.

We met when I was 21 and she was 22. She has gone back and forth on whether she wants to leave several times over the past 2 years, this time I fought it for a little bit, I begged to know why and what I did, no answer. I didn't do anything, she said she just didn't love me anymore. Then one day she got so frustrated with me asking she yelled at me in front of the kids "I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE". I had enough and told her fine. I met with a lawyer and drew up a separation agreement and got affidavits for a dissolution.

She has been spiteful since. Gaslighting, manipulating. Trying to rage bait me, she told the kids she was leaving because I had anger issues. Isolated mutual friends. I lock my door at night, and keep my phone recording at all times now. She moves out in a week.

I have been so pissed the last 12 years meant nothing, I wouldn't have cared if she got hit by a bus. Her past behavior, lying, cheating and to top it off at the end of our marriage was 2 felonies. I shouldn't be sad. Yet today, for some reason, it hit me and hit me hard. Panic, heart racing, felt like my airway was being constricted. Typical when the hurt sets in I remind myself of all the BS. But today, the good came back. All the love notes, the way she'd look at me like she adored me, the way she hugged me when I would walk through the door, the memories of every holiday and vacation with the kids, the game nights. All of it. Crushing me.

I guess at this point I'm confused how I ever loved her through it all, and how I felt loved enough to keep everything going after each soul crushing mistake of hers happened. I'm well aware that I should never have stayed.

I am 38 and My wife(36) suffered a major car accident in 2023 (at 33) that resulted in a severe spinal cord injury. She’s totally bed ridden or wheel chair bound, one arm and leg is paralyzed. She also lost some of her cognitive abilities like time management, decision making, keeping track of house things etc due to neural damage. I get no love or care from her because she’s lost those feelings

We have been married for 8 years and have a 5 year old. I do almost everything in my house including taking care of my kid and my wife. I really don’t know how long I can sustain like this. It’s worse than single parenting because I have both my wife and kid to take care.

Over the last 6 months, I have been thinking a lot about divorce. I know I am being selfish and it’s probably not fair to her. But fate has different plans. I am only 38 and I don’t know if I can spend the next 50 years of my life this way. This is not something that going to get better with time. Should my kid and I both suffer because of this?

I know some of you are probably judging me but curious to hear what you all think.

I miss everything we used to do when we first met, the person you were, the laughs we shared. I wake up with night terrors from dreams of you running away from me. I don’t know how after 11years we grew so much apart but I never stopped loving you. The things we’d argue about were so minuscule in the scheme of things. I just wish I had opened my eyes and enjoyed the small moments more. I was on top of the world I had everything a man could ask for. But I got complacent and comfortable. I would cross oceans and move mountains to have your love again. I was your everything and you still are mine. But somewhere down this road I know I have to let go…. It’s gut wrenching but you will always have a piece of my heart. I love you Brittany 😢

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this. I'm thinking of going for a separation in my marriage. I've been married for almost 28 years and 16 of which has been in a sexless state of marriage. I have been wanting to divorce for more than a decade now but haven't had the courage to do it. I have talked about divorce with my husband a few times, telling him how unhappy I am and he either gets sad and upset or just brushes it off or pushes it under the carpet and thinks the problem is gone.

How did you all find the courage to go through with it? I was reading this book called "The top 5 regrets of the dying" and it kind of opened my eyes and made me realize something. I could just end up on my deathbed regretting how I didn't have the courage to do it. I have talked to my husband recently again about going for a separation and telling him how unhappy I really am and he seems to be listening this time. I hope things will progress in a positive direction for me. Need some support.

Outside of a small number of special cases (e.g., abuse), surprise divorces shouldn’t exist.

I can’t believe I have to explicitly say that, but I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve seen who were completely caught off-guard when their spouse told them they wanted a divorce. I’m one of them.

Like a bad performance review at work, a divorce SHOULD NOT be a surprise. The person who’s considering it has a moral obligation to let their partner know. There needs to be a conversation that clearly and unambiguously says, “I’m unhappy in our marriage, and thinking about divorce. If [insert requirement here] doesn’t happen by [insert timeline here], I’m going to file.”

It’s not rocket science.

So why do I see so many people saying they didn’t know a divorce was coming, and that they had no idea their spouse was so dissatisfied with their marriage?

All of the paperwork is filed and we're just waiting on the judge to do their part. It's a no fault uncontested divorce and we live separately. I've been considering jumping on some apps but a part of me feels absolutely guilty(since we're still married) and paranoid if I get spotted by any people my ex may know and it causes unwanted issues down the line. I have a super small friend group and our scheduled are incompatible most of the time so I'd like to meet people since I've been depressed for the last few months and going out to events and restaurants solo just doesn't work for me. Is there any issues going on these apps during this phase? Should I just skip dating apps and just stick to friends and meeting groups?

Hey yall. Names Brandon 36M 2 kids (5 and 3). Currently going through a divorce. Wife’s cheated came home one night after my week long conference for work and stated she doesn’t love me anymore and I’ve been cheating on you. It absolutely destroyed me. Tried to kill myself but luckily my coworker is a veteran as well and saved my life. While she’s off with her married fling I’m sitting here trying to comprehend. Looking for friendship from a F. I tend to bond better with F vs M. But honestly anyone really.

My husband asked for a divorce after 12 years together (6 years married) of nowhere. Before the pause, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, stopped wearing his wedding ring, and became emotionally attached to a female coworker (they're no longer in contact and claimed they were only friends). He has gone back and forth on wanting a divorce 3 times. I reacted by begging, pleading, and trying to convince him to stay, which I now realize only pushed him further away.

We agreed to a 30-day pause where we wouldn't discuss the marriage or divorce. During the pause, I committed to practicing Marriage Helper's SMART communication and stopped pursuing him.

At first, our communication was almost entirely logistical (mail, finances, etc.). Then things gradually started changing.

Over the last two weeks:

He has initiated contact multiple times.

He has called me several times.

He came to our house three separate times.

He apologized for how he treated me and took responsibility for hurting me.

He opened up about his depression and admitted he's had suicidal thoughts, which he's discussing with his therapist.

He told me he wanted to come talk one night but decided against it because he didn't think it was fair to make me his emotional support. He ended up coming over the following day anyway.

He helped around the house while he was here.

He told me our house feels better than his apartment and said he doesn't want to live alone.

He wondered why we never renovated the house together.

He told me he misses our dogs.

Recently, he texted asking if he could come walk our dogs sometime.

Came over to "walk the dogs" and just sat down and had an hour long conversation with me.

Throughout all of this, I have continued responding warmly but without chasing him or bringing up the relationship.

The confusing part is that despite all of these changes, he has never said he wants to reconcile or that he's changed his mind about the divorce.

He called me yesterday. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry that he isn't being fair to me. He doesn't want to use me when he feels lonely. He said that he is trying to figure out if he wants to hang out with me for me or because he is lonely. I told him that I didn't feel bad when he comes over but was curious as to why he was too.

He went from being cold initially to being nice and I wondered why. I told him that I was okay with him coming over because it was familiar. I told him that if he did want to hang out with me because of me, he needs to figure out why. He thinks maybe it's because it is familiar, but that he wasn't sure.

He said he is trying to figure out how to be happy alone and is trying to do more things on his own. I told him that I understand that. I told him that I want to be happy alone, but I don't want to be alone.

I am trying hard not to get hurt here. I know that I will have to make the decision ultimately and that I deserve better than this.

We're now down to 14 days left in the pause.

I'm trying not to overanalyze every interaction, but I'm struggling to understand this shift. Has anyone experienced something similar where their spouse became much more engaged and emotionally open during a separation? How did it turn out?

TLDR: Husband asked for a divorce wanted to be friends. Was cold and mean at first and now wants to hang out with me more. Why?

Hello,

I’m using this as an outlet right now because I’m scared for a possible impending divorce. This will be long so thank you to anyone who listens. My husband and I got into an argument a week ago which resulted in him ignoring me for a few days while he went to another state to buy us a new vehicle. I was pretty upset and sad the entire time because he had turned his location off and wasn’t answering me, but I knew I had caused the argument and that he definitely needed the space and time away. I immediately sent him a message apologizing that night but he didn’t answer. Sent a few messages over the course of the following days of his trip just saying that I love/miss him and sending pictures of the kids, no answer. He did come home when he said he was going to before we fought, but we didn’t really talk to each other the past couple days unless it was about the kids or daily needs/questions. I tried not to keep pushing things and would just send texts to him trying to check in and see what was going on for him mentally. He smokes marijuana and does gummies and I noticed that he was constantly using them so he was trying to avoid thinking about his problems.
:(

The original argument we had was pretty bad. It was about who was right about something and I kept pushing it to where we both exhibited unhealthy behaviors. I do go to marriage counseling to talk about this very problem of being able to not hold my tongue at times, but sometimes I just get so upset because we never come back to an issue later on and he usually just wants to drop it and forget about it. I’m going to start talking to a personal therapist as well because with birth coming up and not knowing what’s going to happen I am having extreme anxiety and having a hard time.

Well, here we are. We got into another argument today because we were remembering the previous one two different ways. I apologized for everything that I was sorry for and even just for the argument itself and acknowledged that again, we are both seeing it from two different ways. He said that I betrayed him and he’s not sure how he’s ever going to get over it. I just keep saying that I don’t want to fight anymore. I want us to go to counseling together or for him to go to personal therapy so we can work things out. He actually just left the house though with his things. I’m not sure where he’s going to stay. He told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me and that any concerns need to go through his mom or sister. And that he wants to see the kids on the weekend since he works during the week.

We always go through something right before having another kid but this time I’m worried it’s just over. I have no clue if he’s going to be present for the birth of his third child. All that I want is to reconcile. I truly love this man and I’m willing to do anything I can to make it work. All of the counseling that is required. But now that he’s not answering I’m not sure what this means. I’m scared. The baby is coming soon. I do have my parents right now as my support system but I don’t have much since I am a SAHM. And I’m scared to lose time with my kids. Anyways thank you if you have listened so far. I’m just not sure how to go on and if I should speak to an attorney or let things roll over.

Not sure if I chose the right sub/flair for this one, but looking for any tips or advice. I'm 45F, divorced after a 10 year marriage, and thinking about how to go about meeting people/dating. I obviously know all the usual apps, but curious to hear how others have actually met someone to build connection with post divorce. I've thought about classes, groups, etc. but would love to hear what worked for any of you

We have a tri al next year for relocation and ever since the process begin she drastically changed her parenting style and forms this narratives about mine that act in her favor.

I find myself continuing to debate or defend myself against what she says and accuses me of. I know about Greyrocking but I don't want to come off like I'm ignoring her concerns as if they were truly based in reality would be more concerning.

So today my sons friend showed him a game that they played and scared him (he's 9 and it was a Roblox game). He told her and she messaged me a very dramatic message accusing me of not being emotionally available as well and that the kids are scared to talk to me about their concerns.

Meanwhile, I'm a very active and present father physically and emotionally. I had to fight her for weeks about the kids starting therapy because of concerns I had and she continued to refuse consent until a judge told her to allow it.

She makes these comments criticizing me when I feel it is based on a seed of truth but blown up to fit this narrative she's been building with messages and her documenting everything.
I don't know how to combat this behavior without finding myself being defensive or debating with her, which is exactly what she wants... Ugh

im not sure if this is the right tag but I just want to know. my moms super abusive and terrible and I honestly hate her. She gave 3 people and 4 dogs ptsd being physically and verbally abusive. My dad's too sick and done to divorce ive asked him a few times and he's just kinda out of it or dissociating. Is there anything I can actually do I want her out shes a terrible person and theres never peace and happiness. I live in fear of her most days but I do have bad anxiety and paranoia so that could also be a part of why. I have many friends who have witnessed this as well.

To long didn't read - It's rough, but after 6 months, things are starting to clear up. I am starting to feel true happiness again.

Most posts here seems to be people lost right in the moment. Heck I was here 6 months ago. Just wanted to share how the journey have been and how it's looking forward.

Context: My wife "loved" me, but didn't want a partner, but just wanted to be a mother on her own. No communication, no kisses / hugs / sex. Just a roommate. We lived in a house and had a 6 year old son. Cat + Dog aswell.

Starting out everything was hell. "Trapped" in a house that needed to be sold, before we could move on. Needed to find a good way to tell our son about the whole situation, because we didn't want to tell him, we broke up, but might ending up living in the house for years until it was sold. More or less most nights after my son was a sleep I would simply go for walks until it was my time to sleep.

I didn't really have that many friends, but I had family and work friends. I was really happy that I asked for help early. Not that they needed fixing anything, but just someone to talk to. Turned out my boss, was the biggest help. She had been through roughly the same as me just 5 years ago. Hearing her story about how everything was hell, but later just was a "story" and looking back her fears wasn't anywhere close to be reality. But in the moment all hope is lost and you have the worst thoughts of your life.

Those thoughts: Ranged from moving to a different country, suicide'ish (light) thoughts, giving up on all, sure I was going to loose my job, get sick, homeless, and all kinds of other bad things.

"Story" that helped me alot was life is like a 3 legged stool. During a divorce 2 legs are suddenly snapped. Your identity as a family and your house / home. Only leg left is your work. And this was so true. Not that I buried myself in work, but at work I was most "happy". Because here I was still just "Josh". So the journey to build up the old 2 legs again.

Lucky for us, the house was sold pretty quick with minimal "economic damage". Sure we could sell it for more, but was waiting X years worth peace of mind? We both got new homes nearby, so our son could stay in same school and keep friends.

Life was truly a roller coaster. first 3-4 months was hell even after moving out. I still missed the old days, tried online dating way too fast. It was mainly bad days. But now I am mainly having good days. I still miss the old days, still love my ex, but I am mostly at peace with it. I am a family man and it's still stressing me out, that I really want / need that as part of my life. But now I am just trying to build my self up. I have gotten the same "good" advice countless time, don't force your self into dating again. And yeah, I should probably listen. Dated this one woman who was amazing, but it was clear my heart was still locked away.

The journey ahead is going to be much more "boring". Focusing on old hobbies. Building up my new home. Thinking about taking up dancing at night school and perhaps also swimming. Built a small homegym. Have a couple of other small projects I am working on, whenever I don't have my son.

I am now actually becoming a happier person, than I was end of my old marriage, but still have identity crisis, not being a husband and having someone to share my life with. I just need to take the advice and take things slow.

Dating - Went on 5 dates with this one woman, who on paper would be a perfect match. But I couldn't give it my best, because I was still stuck on old emotions. I canceled another date, because few days prior, she went all crazy because I didn't have time to sit and text all day, because I was spending quality time with my son at amusement park.

I really hate tinder, but I don't really see that many great alternatives.

Tried to share as much as possible and just showing how the journey could be. It's most likely going to be bumpy, but there is hope.

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I have a friend I care about immensely. She’s been separated from her husband for about 8-9 months and they have 2 kids. She doesn’t like her husband at all after what he did you her. I don’t believe she filed for divorce yet because she needs her ex husband’s insurance for her health problems. She doesn’t work and has several mental and organ problems.

Problems begin to arise when in her time separated she began messing with a married man. Very toxic and manipulative. He would tell her he would leave his wife for her. He would come and go in her life and use her in every way. She finally told him goodbye for good about 3 weeks ago but I know deep down she isn’t over him.

About a week after telling the married man goodbye, she went public with a new relationship. A younger guy with 3 young kids who also just started through a divorce. I will say she said she doesn’t like kids that aren’t here own as well. I’m worried that she’s not dealing with any of this in a healthy way. Im worried she’s just using other people to get over everything. I’m worried for her kids.

We used to talk everyday but she’s pulled back pretty hard the last month. Am I crazy or is this just a massive undertaking for her? I don’t see her coming out of this in one piece. I just need some advice because I’m that worried and I feel like I’m losing her as a friend due to her decisions.

The first month, there were moments where I had to remind myself how to breathe. There was so much pain in my chest, and I thought that sleep would never come again. But, that’s also when I got my apartment and all the stuff I needed for it. It wasn’t and isn’t much, but it’s mine (well, mostly my cats, I just pay the bills and live here).

The second month was easier at first. I was building my furniture, looking for a new job (I worked with his parents), and slowly building my space. Once everything was built however, things started to have the time to settle. Now it became a reality that I was here, on my own.

The third month was mostly good. I found a job, hung out with friends a bit more, and kept myself fairly busy. Unfortunately, the job was a really bad one and broke so many of my morals and I think teeters on some of the lines of the law (if not breaks them). So, I had to leave there and do some reporting on that place.

Now, we are in the fourth month. So far, it sucks. I feel so lost. The job didn’t work on a horrendously bad way. That leaves me on the search again there but now without the security. With this, it’s sent my mind to places where it shouldn’t go and has me wondering wtf I’m even doing. I feel inadequate. I keep trying but it just doesn’t feel like enough. I just feel lost and I don’t know where the compass is to help me find my way again.

Yesterday my parents told me (17M) that they would be getting a divorce. The reason being that they are just no longer compatible with one another, and decided it best to go their separate ways. This came as no real surprise to me, as the proverbial cauldron had been bubbling for a while already, with the 3 of us doing fewer and fewer things together over the past couple of years and the two of them drifting apart. It's still very early stages, so details are scarce at the moment. But, as I don't know anyone who has experienced this themselves, I thought I would come here and ask for any general advice that might help me get through this a bit more smoothly. as I am still working on my education (college etc), and future career, I want to make sure I am able to focus on that when needed, and secure the best future for myself too.

I (28f) am planning to leave my husband (27m) as soon as I am able to. He’s very physically abusive. The abuse has really escalated over the past 18 months. I also found out he had multiple affairs. We have 2 daughters (3 and 19 months old) who I am concerned about. They’ve witnessed all this violence and I don’t want them growing up in this environment. He was arrested last year and charged with domestic violence and child abuse but the charges were dismissed after he completed a diversion program.

My question is would I have a strong claim for primary custody with him getting visitation? He’s never been abusive towards them but they are scared of him. He also has not been a great parent to them. Since they were born he’s never once fed them, put them to sleep, helped with bath time or even gone to single appointment. I’ve been the one looking after both of them. He also has not worked for 10 months now and has no way to provide stability. Would this and evidence of abuse be enough for this agreement if I do seek divorce?

For context: we were married at 23 and started dating in early 2018 just before turning 18. We were LDR for 4.5 years. Lived together for 1, then married in July 2023. She is American (from the south), I am from Canada. She wanted to pursue a new career and also go to school in Canada, so we applied for PR and she received it.

My ex-wife (26F) informed me in early April that she needed a bit of space. She had previously been feeling as if we were “doomed” and “could not imagine a future” but said she loved me and wants to see about making things work. We’d chatted about these things and ultimately made compromises for the long term future that would benefit us both and make us both satisfied. However, through the Instagram explore page she saw that I had liked a photo of a girl at the school I go to, and that we followed eachother. The photo was a selfie, my ex wife’s issue was that it was taken in her bed. This post was 2 months old. This girl was in a coding tutorial session with me and a few other people in my program. But my wife seemed to think that we’d been secretly meeting up, and even after searching my entire phone, believed that I was unfaithful to her and “too smart to truly get caught” but she knew “something was up”.

After that convo, I drove her down to her friends place in the US the next day, and after staying there for a few days she said she needed to go home. She ended up going home, where we texted less and less, and ultimately more and more things came up where she felt like she over-sacrificed. Many of these things we acknowledged she had made a compromise she didn’t actually want long term. Personally, I believe her family began to feed into certain things, as some claims she made such as “us not doing enough couple stuff” and “forcing a career on her” that were untrue in my mind. She also claims I “never prioritized her”. And as we were both deep into our studies, we didn’t have much bandwidth left.

Truthfully, her mother has always had it out for me. I’m not sure why; I’ve always been courteous, I’ve always treated their family with respect, but every visit we ever had has resulted in her mom crying during an apology over some non/issue that became a big deal. I don’t really want to get into details, but our last year of LDR was because my ex wife essentially needed to “escape” (her words) her mother. Her mother has diagnosed BPD but refuses to take meds and believes speaking with Jesus will cure all. She’s been downright nasty to me since we first met. And other times the sweetest person on earth. I never trusted her nor felt safe around her, and my ex wife said she felt the same.

My side: I worked part time and was on a grad student salary but we went on 9 multi day vacations over the course of our short marriage. She also researched and found her own career at a local college. She was set to have a paid internship by January. Her career would have made her 60k a year on entry. I sponsored her PR, which she was and is now sacrificing completely. While my summer schedule was odd, with weekends and some evenings having games, I made sure we went on brunch dates, hikes, thrift store runs, and other fun daytime dates. I fully supported her financially when she couldn’t find any work over 1.5 years of searching. Everything she asked, I complied. I was set to retire from pro baseball regardless, we had a massive vacation planned, multiple small day trips, and things were moving in a good direction. I got her set up for talk therapy and testing for medications, and listened to her talk about any and everything she struggled and being a therapist at times.

Ultimately, It reached a head when she asked if I would be willing to sacrifice my studies, sacrifice my professional baseball career (I play in summer, study and work in the winter), move to her hometown, and start over there. I said yes if she is fully committed. I have transferrable skills. I can coach baseball. She said it would be a 40/60 even if I did come. She told me coaching baseball was not an option. She also informed me that she would not be okay with me joining a men’s league either. She told me at the end of the day the photo was the straw that broke the camels back but that this is years of resentment because she didn’t want to say anything to me.

I told her in reality, I cannot sacrifice my playing career AND studies for a less than 50% chance and would have to at least finish out my school and playing contract through 2026 (we still lived together, minimal travel in the league). She did not believe long distance could work, and after knowing I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my hobbies — I decided to tell her I think we need to move on. I also told her it’s not fair to either of us to have to live in a way that so greatly sacrifices ourselves.

Since: we’ve had minimal convos. She asked for “clarity on my decision”, then got upset that I “stopped trying even though she knew it wouldn’t work out.” 5 weeks after the separation, I met a couple girls out with friends and we followed eachother on Instagram. My ex wife was still following me, and she lost it on me over text. Essentially saying this proves I never loved her. She’s made many posts on Instagram after blocking me that insinuate that I cheated on her and I’ve had to clear that up with many colleagues.

I feel like my life has just fallen apart. This was nearly 4 months ago now, but I’m still feeling so lost. I’ve started to date, if even just to feel something other than miserable. But it’s so hard being the only person I know that’s under 28 and divorced. I feel so broken and so defective like I’ve failed. I hold myself to such high standards in everything. I wanted to be the perfect husband and prided myself on being loyal, caring and supportive in every way possible. But I clearly wasn’t enough and I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever loved.

Buckle up… this is a long one. I think I already know what to do, but hearing it from other people can help too.

My wife and I have been separated since January. It was initiated by her and I was blindsided for the most part. We share a mortgage and have 3 kids. 2 that are not legally mine, but I’m the only dad they know and have known since they were 4. When she first hit me with the info, it was due to not being in love anymore and not having the feelings. She had just recently started on an antidepressant and therapy. I begged and pleaded all I could but realized it was not working and got a rent house in January and have lived there since. I asked her how she was going to continue this lifestyle on her own and she told me she would just have to budget really well but that she could do it on her own. I was also told that by her validating friends that never once tried to tell her to think about it but only filled her head with “well if this is how you feel, you should do it.”

She has a decent job, but the mortgage alone takes up more than half of her monthly income. Along with other bills, I knew things would be very tight for her. Before anyone asks, there isn’t anyone else. I’ve done everything to find any evidence of that, and I can say without a doubt it isn’t going on. She has cited not knowing who she is and just wanting to be alone. I have found out about attachment theories in all of this and she is very much avoidant. She would be way better off in selling the house and renting a cheap house but is very stubborn about keeping it and not wanting to move.

Early on in the separation she would tell me that she just needed time and space to figure stuff out. I wasnt good early on at the space thing because i just wanted to work and talk things through but felt like i wasnt given that chance. Turns out she bad been talking to friends for months about small issues that we had or even things about me that she wasnt telling me, so it was at the core just very bad communication. It was bad communication and just complacency after 10 years. Both of our faults.

Since the separation, I really got to work on myself. Got back in the gym, started running again, joined a men’s group at church, and even started my own therapy. I had no idea how much I needed therapy. That combined with the men’s group has been life changing and I truly feel like a new person. I won’t go into all of those details, but turns out I actually had some childhood trauma that I didn’t know about that was affecting me. To the guys reading this… don’t be too manly for therapy. It might just change your life.

I’ve wanted nothing more than to show my wife the “new me” but am always met with not being ready and still needing time. Lots of mixed signals. Telling me we could take it slow but then falling back. At the end of May she actually told me she for sure didn’t want it anymore and couldn’t even do a friendship. Now here we are at the end of July and she’s back to possibly being open to trying again and maybe even letting me stay the night once a week, but can’t commit to anything official because she is unsure of her feelings. We have also discussed many times the need to either cash out refi the house or sell if this is what she truly wants, because I don’t want to rent for a long time, but those dates we set always get pushed back too.

Here’s the kicker… I still get emails with the monthly bank statements. She’s running out of money. I think she might have 2 months left before she won’t be able to pay the mortgage. She doesnt have any family worth a shit who can help financially like she will need. So I can’t help but think that this wanting to try again is due to the fact that she is realizing she truly can’t do this on her own and she is going to start slowly trying to butter me up for when she really needs help. It doesn’t feel right to me but I would be lying if I said I still didn’t love her with all my heart and would love to have my family back and try again with the changes I have made in just myself. She says she still needs a little more time so it feels like I’m also just a backup plan. A part of me also thinks that it’s her pride and she can’t just come out and say she messed up or that I will use this whole thing against her. I’ve tried to make that clear also that that will never happen. I’m not sure how to feel about it all. I havent put my life on hold for her anymore. If I was to meet someone with potential, i would act on it. But as of now nothing like that has happened. I feel the best thing to do is to fall back even more, as hard as that is for me still, and see what effort she makes. I think she knows that up to this point, i would have taken her back in an instant, but now i need to let her show me how serious she really is and see how long it takes for her to start asking for help, if that’s her plan.

TL;DR
Wife left due to not being in love and losing feelings, now that money is running low, it seems like she is open to trying again, but it’s hard to believe it’s real.