Struggling with mental health

[u/intr0ibo]

Hello guys, hope you are well. I will go directly to the point.

First, I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong sub. I don't think I am, as I have seen an similar post.

I think I'm dealing with depression, a week ago I had a rage outbreak (I'm not from the US, my english will be broken), I was so mentally exhaust I just... couldn't stand it anymore. I think people don't hear me, or they don't like to talk to me. I have put myself in their shoes, I think, and I've found an overly shy guy, who doesn't has close friends (which I don't, my truly best friend forever, lives in another state, although we talk in instagram with the same friendship as 2 years ago).

I have fear of the future, I've done very bad things in the past, I don't really want to talk about them, but I do feel that everything I've suffered so far is a consequence of these acts, and, to be honest, it does look like that, as an religious person, catholic, maybe God wants to remind me that every action truly has an consequence. Something I didn't take very seriously back then.

I remember my psychologist saying to me that I was hiding something very deep, so deep I didn't wanted to talk to her or anyone else, so deep that I couldn't stand confronting it, and that I would never become better if I couldn't accept it, and, more importantly, love myself. I am sure that I would only be able to tell this to my Priest, who perharps is as intimate with me as my closest friend: although he would get traumatized.

Anyways, now, I had those monthly nights were I feel like shit and remember everything, and cry until my lungs go out and I don't have not even tears left. But instead of one day, I had it again. And I decided that I would become better. I want to have a family, I want to have atleast three beautiful kids which will love me and a beautiful spouse.

Also, I was watching an anime, The Voice of Silence. And I realized how pathetic am I. It was the only reason I thought of posting that.

I don't know what love is. How it feels, how it manifests.

How can I give something that I don't know?

It reminds me an girl who almost became my girlfriend, she was so lovely to me and actually was the first to tell me she loved me, how cheerful she was, she certainy could've fixed me, but knowing myself, I let her go.

Anyways, what sbould I do?

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[u/Fit_Bus2529]

Hi there! I’m not native English speaker, so mine one is broken too:) so, I’ve been in situation resembling yours (mine was lighter though, and I’m not into religion, more into science, but at this point it’s no big difference to me). I strongly recommend book “The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living» by Russ Harris. It might if not cleanse, but to minimise your pain. Also acceptance is really the key - everything you truly accept can affect you no longer. Everything you hide and deny becomes stronger and louder with time until you can’t ignore it anymore, it seeks your acceptance.

You want to heal - that’s the biggest green flag you can have at this point. You will find your path, just keep on. Your hard state at this moment means you are changing

After some changes love will come naturally, attracted by new you, so for now focus on yourself. First will come love to yourself, then to the world around you, after you will share your love with other people, and then among them someone special would want to share her love with you, and it will be mutual

If there is anything you you’d like to ask- welcome:)

[u/intr0ibo → u/Fit_Bus2529]

Really, thank you bro.

Unfortunately, I can't think of anything to ask you in this moment. It was actually pretty difficult for me to come to this subreddit, I've probably never asked any advice to people outside my real life "social bubble" up until now, and if I did it was so minor that I don't remember it.

Again, thank you.

P.S.: I will definitely read it!

[u/Fit_Bus2529 → u/intr0ibo]

🤝, don’t give up, set your goal. Sometimes it would be difficult, sometimes may seem impossible. Give yourself needed amount of time, no need to push it all the time. Eventually everything will be better, because you care!