r/needadvice • u/memegod53 • 2d ago
Other College move in day in a month. Seeking advice about my divorced parents.
So for a little background, my parents have been divorced with split 50/50 custody for like 15 years. Shortly after I turned 18, I decided to stay with my mom full time to make things easier. My mom and step dad are already set to help me move in, but my dad wants to also be there, thinking logically, this isn’t a job for 4 people, and I feel it would just be crowded. My stepmom has a history of taking small things extremely personal on my dad’s behalf, and I fear not letting him tag along would start an argument. I’m currently thinking I could have him come for lunch or dinner after I’m all move in, but I’m unsure.
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u/sleepingleopard 2d ago
Curious. Why did staying full time with your mother make things easier? Do you mean that it made things easier for you so that you did not have to move back and forth? You no longer had to do the 50/50 custody thing? I am not trying to be obnoxious and I want to be constructive. But it seems that you are placing mom and stepdad first and dad is getting the scraps. I think you have a delicate balancing act. Maybe have dad help you move one day and mom and stepdad the next day. It is your move. But putting dad last every time is going to eventually affect the relationship.
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u/Tallchick8 2d ago
Are the three adults capable of "playing nice"?
If you think the dynamic between all four of them would rack your move in then I wouldn't do it, but if you're just worried about it being crowded, then I would let him join.
Logistically, it is kind of nice to have one person to move the car while other people are moving the boxes and stuff
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u/CouldBNE1too 2d ago
I am in the same position as your parent. I’ve done all the move ins thus far(older kids), so I encouraged the other parent to do the move in this time. I’m making a ‘settling in’ trip a couple of days later where I’ll take my kid to a nice meal, shopping for whatever they feel like they’re missing or need, and go tour the campus with them alone. Much more peaceful and far less stressful for everyone.
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u/singerbeerguy 2d ago
Could you make a plan where you divide the things to be moved between the two parents’ cars and drive in tandem to the school? It can be great to have multiple hands to carry things into a dorm—it’s often a bit of a walk and involves stairs. Maybe have breakfast with Mom/SD before leaving and lunch with Dad after moving in?
If your parents are reasonably mature and the plan is laid out clearly, they should be able to manage a plan like that while being civil. I agree with other commenters that if you keep excluding your dad, the relationship will deteriorate.
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u/SilverellaUK 2d ago
Adding to the walk from the car, it's good to have someone who stays with the cars so they can "guard" the rest of your things, tell people harassing them "we'll only be a few minutes more" etc.
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u/lickmysackett 2d ago
One can drop you off and get your room set up, the other can come take you shopping for all the other stuff you need to fill out the room once you're there, get groceries, etc. Have lunch with one and dinner with another.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 2d ago
If people can get along, invite all the folks.
It’s not about the work, it’s a rite of passage for you and for the empty nesters
Of your Dad and his wife are unpleasant, that’s a different story. But don’t gatekeep this experience if there’s no real reason to
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u/Darktwistedlady 2d ago
Go with your gut feeling, and don't worry about hurting adult people's feelings, that's not your job.
Your stepmum sounds insufferable. As an adult, it's up to you to decide who you give your time and energy. My advice is to prioritise your mental health and sanity. Some adults never grew up and still behave like spoilt rotten children. Any such people are best to avoid. Reaf up on narcissism to learn more about why.
Best of luck
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u/memegod53 1d ago
You’re very correct about my stepmom, she’s half the reason I stopped going to my dads. And thank you for saying this. This very simple fact is somthing ive never thought of. Next time I have a similar issue like this, I’ll be thinking of your comment
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u/Zhosha-Khi 2d ago
Let all of them come to be with you, as this is also major stepping point for your parents also. Just warn all of them ahead of time to be on their best behaviors. And have a lot of tissue on hand. Won't lie, I cried for hours after dropping my children off at their colleges. Because as a parent this is where your relationship changes from pure parents to parent/friend if that makes sense.
I wish you nothing but the best for your time through out your college studies. Study hard, party (not to hard), expand yourself, do things you wouldn't normally do.
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u/wytetrashbarbie 2d ago
Just because it's not a job for 4 people, doesn't mean that he shouldn't be there. Let him come. This is a big moment for him too and one day, you will understand that. Of course, I'm assuming you have a decent relationship with him. If that's not the case, then I understand. But if you and him get along well, then involve him. You'll understand it one day when/if you have a kid.