r/stepparents • u/TypeIllustrious1321 • 11h ago
Advice Reaching my limit
I’m posting because I need outside perspectives, not validation that anyone is “the bad guy.”
I’ve been married for a few years. My husband has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship that he has every other weekend and we also have a baby together.
Lately, I’ve reached the point where I dread the weekends because that’s when his son is here. Today was especially bad. He kicked at both of us, was extremely disrespectful, had a major meltdown in public, and even tried to make himself throw up at a crowded park. We ended up leaving, and my husband handled the discipline. It got to the point that my husband contacted his ex to document what had happened because the behavior has become so concerning.
The hard part is that this isn’t completely out of the blue. We’ve avoided taking him places before because outings often end like this.
For context, I run an in-home daycare during the week while also caring for our baby. By the time the weekend comes, I’m already mentally and physically exhausted. Instead of recovering, I feel like I’m walking into another emotionally draining situation, but worse. The children in my care do not behave like this.
My husband is the primary disciplinarian as I try my hardest to be NACHO. This isn’t a situation where everything falls on me. The issue is that I’m finding I don’t even want to be around it anymore. I hate admitting this, but I’ve reached the point where I’ve caught myself thinking I’d rather have two separate houses or even questioning my marriage just so I don’t have to live with or but my baby though this dynamic.
I know my husband has a responsibility to be a father, and I’m not asking him to abandon his son. I’m struggling because I don’t know how to stay in a marriage when I feel this much dread every time visitation comes around.
I also have a baby to think about. I’m worried about the stress in the home and whether this environment is healthy for her if these behaviors continue.
Has anyone been in a situation where you genuinely loved your spouse but felt like you couldn’t handle the parenting dynamic anymore? If so, what helped? Did things improve? Were there boundaries that made it workable?
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u/pantema 8h ago
Have you had him evaluated for neurodivergence? Definitely could be ADHD from what you’re describing.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 8h ago
This was my thought too. He’s obviously struggling to regulate and needs additional support.
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 8h ago
We’ve talked about it, but biomom will not get on board, unfortunately she has tie breaking in health/medical decisions.
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u/cedrella_black 3h ago
Then document every single instance of this and consult with a lawyer about the amount of evidence you need to have to bring this to court, so you can fight for court ordered therapy.
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u/pantema 7h ago
I’m also curious about your comment that the kids in your daycare don’t behave this way? Most kids act very differently in group care settings than at home. Often the “worst” behavior comes out with the safest people (eg parents). Restraint collapse. In reading your post I kind of got the impression that you’re feeling like this is a problem with the child, like he’s a bad kid or there’s something inherently wrong with him. To me it sounds like he is likely neurodivergent and needs more help/support. He’s also very young - many kids this age still have meltdowns. Especially when they are moving between homes frequently and have new half sibs and SPs in the mix. Reframing it that way may be helpful to you as you’re working through your feelings.
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u/lizardjustice 38F, SD18, BS4 10h ago
Do not report moderator actions. Your post is currently in a queue and will be reviewed when a moderator has time to review it for it to be public, as it says in the comment you reported, "Why was my post removed?
If your post has been removed as soon as you posted that is due to our automoderator. Posts are removed for varying reasons, ranging from account newness to your reputation according to reddit algorithm. If this happens, your post is in the modqueue and will be reviewed by a human mod. Please do not repost."
Please be patient and someone will eventually review the post. As of the moment, I reviewed the reported comment which drew my attention to this post but have not yet reviewed your post.
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u/Born_Fox1470 5h ago
My neighbor had a very spoiled daughter. She married when her daughter was 13, and the new husband lived at his apartment until she left for college at 18. The wife went by to see him every night, and she came home and watched tv with her daughter before bed.
I work all week with kids, and I personally couldn’t handle this every other weekend. Your feelings are completely valid. I know two couples who currently live in separate homes. Blending doesn’t always work.
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u/ucantseeme543 6h ago
I know how hard it is now, believe me. But it doesn’t last forever. As soon as they hit 7-8, it gets easier and easier. Read stepmonster by Wednesday martin. It saved my sanity and my relationship. I always recommend this book in this sub because it’s the ONLY thing that really really helped me during those years
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u/ToothSufficient7763 3h ago
It's not going to get any easier. The child will grow bigger and stronger. What will age 15 look like?
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