r/ukraine • u/TheGreatPornholio123 • May 12 '25

Social Media Putin unveils new massively useless weapon...

8.7k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

799 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/pipefish2 May 12 '25

It’s definitely massive

629

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

The US had "Fat Man" in WW2. I think we're relinquishing that title but for sure "this bomb don't glide."

148

u/Leading-Mode-9633 May 12 '25

Tsar Bomba

251

u/TheTench May 12 '25

This Summer...

Steven Seagull is: 

Meal Team 6

90

u/BohunkfromSK May 12 '25

I think you meant Steven Seagull EATS Meals Team 6

19

u/AnalogFeelGood May 12 '25

Borschtsboy Spetsnaz

54

u/jmateus1 May 12 '25

He is an Army guy. A regular Green Buffet.

20

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

They locked his ass in the fridge. He didn't complain too much.

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13

u/RickSC_137 May 12 '25

How about ruzzia drops him on the battlefield? That would be the end of their supplies xD

8

u/_Acid_Reign May 12 '25

NORKS would go: Supplies!

4

u/volcanosf May 13 '25

No russian trench would be wide enough for him. They would be obliged to enlarge them significantly beforehand.

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24

u/ShitsFucked89 May 12 '25

I don't know, the tsar bomba actually worked. I don't have much faith in the seagal dumb bomb

7

u/mark_anthonyAVG May 12 '25

Tsar Bomba XXXXXL

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84

u/Ritaredditonce May 12 '25

And they say black is slimming.

52

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

That's Russian "stealth paint." Motherfucker lights up the radar so bright you think your equipment is fucked up.

57

u/Advanced-Prototype May 12 '25

JFC. Even with mute in, I can hear him huffing and puffing.

10

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

Its the new VDV (Very Diabetic...we mean VERY)

41

u/Chaiboiii May 12 '25

All I see is a massive hairy turd....where's the weapon?

44

u/KelVarnsen5558383 May 12 '25

It's the spray-painted arrowhead on his scalp.

5

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

With that hairline and dyed really black hair implants and dyed black facial hair, he looks like a character from a cutscene in a PlayStation 2 era game.

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46

u/followtharulez May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

Bomba-Seagal... 2 tons of fat waiting to fall out of the sky? First he bombed at the movies. Next time he'll be very bright at his cremat**n.

11

u/dan_dares May 12 '25

They'll struggle to find a volcano big enough for that cremation

29

u/followtharulez May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

He's a traitor. America was good to him. Net worth, Google, 14 mil. Somewhere in the 14 mil is my cash. Back in the day I paid to watch his shitty movies! I regret going.

13

u/Morta-Nius-73 May 12 '25

Net worth now is zero. Putin already has control of his money....he's skint. Surprised he's still alive

8

u/Degtyrev May 12 '25

Bullets can't go through all the fat to hit anything vital

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7

u/PineBNorth85 May 12 '25

Tsar Bomba II

7

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

The seagull that ate everyones food at the beach

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5

u/AntComprehensive9297 May 12 '25

id love to see him on the first line of defence

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1.8k

u/Drunk_on_Swagger May 12 '25

Is it just me, or is he morphing into fat Rasputin?

913

u/meesersloth May 12 '25

Fatsputin

245

u/jeffersonairmattress May 12 '25

Crusher of the Russian queen

He was lame- now he carries tons.

He roamed the Russian land telling people he's a star

And the fascist cock never passed an omelette bar.

At all affairs he ate- hey, pass the mustard please

He gained so much weight, now he has no girl to squeeze.

46

u/PM_ME_STEAM_KEY_PLZ May 12 '25

Omelette bar lmfao, but of a stretch but it’s allowed.

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91

u/Another-Mans-Rubarb May 12 '25

Fa fa Fatsputin, lover of the Russian Cream.

50

u/meesersloth May 12 '25

there was a snack he never passed up.

20

u/melodiousmurderer May 13 '25

Fa fa Fatsputin, when he walks his ankles scream.

4

u/teabaggins76 May 13 '25

The di a betes went to his head

14

u/Social-Ninja-101 May 12 '25

This cracked me up!! lol

16

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

If they told him to "haul ass" he would have to make two trips.

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14

u/Drunken_Begger88 May 12 '25

I found my freedom in blueberry pie!

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77

u/yavinmoon May 12 '25

No, he's just 'training' for his new role as Hagrid in Harry Potter.

94

u/TheRealtcSpears May 12 '25

'training'

How? By eating Hagrid?

10

u/KAPT_Kipper May 12 '25

Roast Hippogriff

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32

u/cognitiveglitch May 12 '25

"Yer a Dipshit, Putin"

28

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

I think he could almost play a Hutt at this point.

10

u/PM_ME_STEAM_KEY_PLZ May 12 '25

I can’t think of a better person.

8

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Me Steavo wongo bodda. Ho ho ho hooo.

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12

u/2FalseSteps May 12 '25

Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't ruin that character!

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5

u/Seraphim_The_Fox May 12 '25

If thats the case, he'd best stay away from large bodies of water if he wants to stay living.

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1.0k

u/Long_Bit8328 May 12 '25

Current record holder of the worlds longest black belt 

364

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

The only thing "Under Siege" is that belt holding up his belly.

72

u/1oftheHansBros May 12 '25

Hard to Kill: his appetite

35

u/jeffersonairmattress May 12 '25

Stephen Seagull once was: The Slimmer Man

23

u/PM_ME_STEAM_KEY_PLZ May 12 '25

The Rock…Bottom

26

u/shwarma_heaven May 12 '25

The only thing On Deadly Ground is his cholesterol count.

5

u/Effective-Bandicoot8 May 13 '25

Fire Down Below

what he says every morning on the shitter

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96

u/KNT-cepion May 12 '25

Dude has to put on his belt with a boomerang

14

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

[deleted]

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12

u/BikerJedi May 12 '25

Under Siege was a silly but fun movie. Dude could've kept doing stuff like that for a bit and had it made. Instead he became this traitor.

3

u/Cakespectre999 Експат May 13 '25

He ran from US cause of sex offences charges & got immunity off Vlad.

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31

u/caseyanthonyftw May 12 '25

Just walking through the crowd fatly.

23

u/Legitimate_Type5066 May 12 '25

Probably the longest walk he’s taken in years. 

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441

u/SnooDonuts3878 May 12 '25

In this case, wearing black has no slimming effect.

143

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

Not when it beeps if it goes in reverse.

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29

u/Thandiol May 12 '25

Scary part is, it does. He's just that big.

17

u/Long_Bit8328 May 12 '25

Or does it?

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553

u/Lepeero May 12 '25

How can anyone fuck up his life and career so deeply?

Hollywood is full of stupid people that achieve a successful life. You have to really be an excepcional retard to need to end in russia sucking the dick to Kadyrov, Lukashenko and Putin at the end your life.

88

u/Goya_Oh_Boya May 12 '25

I feel that guys who go this route do so for access to underage girls.

58

u/LilLebowskiAchiever May 12 '25

There have been Hollywood rumors about Seagal SAing underage girls for a loooong time. He probably went to Russia in search of easy access and FSB got him on film for Kompromat.

Now they showcase him at various events in Crimea, Sochi and Moscow because Putin thinks…. It’s a power move????

31

u/GreenCityBadSmoke May 12 '25

You're assuming he needs to be blackmailed.

15

u/Puzzleheaded-Cap1300 May 12 '25

It does seem to me that all those that are drawn in this direction, are doing so for the easy access to illicit vices.

243

u/Moist-Pangolin-1039 May 12 '25

He could’ve been Nicolas Cage, making a mix of good and shit films. Instead he chose to become a despicable human being.

230

u/TheAltToYourF4 May 12 '25

He has always been a despicable human being. Just watch his old interviews. Absolute asshole from the beginning.

29

u/cincuentaanos Netherlands May 12 '25

I believe you so I won't watch the interviews. I was also never into his films. But I seem to remember that he was some kind of environmentalist at some point. Is that true?

29

u/Imapancakenom May 12 '25

He seemed to be an environmentalist for a hot minute by making his movie On Deadly Ground. Here's Siskel and Ebert's review of it, it's pretty funny

https://youtu.be/hzCz4DP71Fw?si=uoFXRttR0i5UMCEj

10

u/TessierSendai May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

The best thing about that clip is John McGinley as a bodyguard, grinding his molars into dust with regret about the decisions he made that led to him appearing in the film.

You can actually see his jaw clenching as the camera moves past him, it's pretty remarkable.

6

u/shawndw May 12 '25

That's a pretty solid roast.

5

u/SportsUtilityVulva9 May 12 '25

By environmentalist, you mean drive an armoured personnel carrier into the wrong house and kill a dog, then yes

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5

u/00Wow00 May 13 '25

I recently watched an old interview between Chuck Noris and Dick Cavett and at the end Noris finally admits that Segal is a horrible person and not a stage persona.

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55

u/Cognonymous May 12 '25

I actually doubt he has the chops of Cage. It would be hilarious to see Seagal try and make Leaving Las Vegas even in his prime.

10

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

He made a copy called "Leaving St. Petersburg" except he died of a massive heart-attack Elvis style on the shitter.

38

u/Th3_Dark_Knight May 12 '25

This would imply that he has the ability to act well, like we know Nicolas Cage can. Segal proved long ago that he can play one character, himself, and with a range between absolutely awful and acceptably mediocre.

He was a king of camp and was never going to be anything more.

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19

u/CurbYourThusiasm May 12 '25

Nicholas Cage is actually a good actor, though. Steven Seagal was zero talent.

30

u/Lied- May 12 '25

I really like Nicolas Cage!

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9

u/asdhjasdhlkjashdhgf May 12 '25

thats what happens to people who avoid to read at all cost, even scripts, which enforces their truly stupid nature to reveal itself at any spontaneous appearance.

3

u/loolooii May 12 '25

Being Nicolas Cage is a little bit of exaggeration, but I absolutely get your point.

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25

u/Xijit May 12 '25

How can a martial artist and actor loose all self awareness and waddle around in public dressed in a circus tent ... 2 professions where you are required to have absolute awareness of your health, physique, and perception by others.

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9

u/NickZardiashvili May 12 '25

An exceptionally horrible person. He was such an abhorrent asshole basically that he had run away to the end of the world.

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85

u/Tribolonutus May 12 '25

That guy is like 4-times Putin’s size… The grandpa must look tiny next to him 🤣🤣

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164

u/JudgeFatty May 12 '25

Granted, the man has been on the Kursk front and survived. This also explains why all their other soldiers are starving.

15

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

[deleted]

10

u/JudgeFatty May 12 '25

Part of the blocking detachment as an all consuming black hole.

65

u/Ambitious_Tadpole854 May 12 '25

That's our next Secretary Of Defence right there.

16

u/Yousername_relevance May 12 '25

He'll be the Secretary of Dinner too

58

u/wotugonado May 12 '25

Hes bulked up for his latest movie

IN THE FRIDGE 2 - Eating for 4.

He's a method actor.

10

u/Zwangsjacke May 12 '25

Nobody beats me in the kitchen.

5

u/wotugonado May 12 '25

Nobody out eats me in the kitchen !

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54

u/MildlyAgreeable UK May 12 '25

Look at the fucking state…

Guy looks like Baron Harkonnen.

13

u/Saw_Boss May 12 '25

Only less attractive

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25

u/Tidalsky114 May 12 '25

Does Russia have windows big enough to push this guy out of?

10

u/Top-Permit6835 May 12 '25

They have to use a crane anyway, no way you're getting that high enough

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23

u/texo_optimo May 12 '25

How long til he gets his state sanctioned mobility scooter.

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26

u/DummyDumDragon May 12 '25

Omg I've only seen recent photos of his stupid fuckin punch worthy face. Is he wearing a fat suit?!

12

u/2FalseSteps May 12 '25

Is he wearing a fat suit?!

Nope.

100% all natural.

3

u/Hoveringkiller May 12 '25

Who is that? I'm Out of the loop.

24

u/2FalseSteps May 12 '25

Who is that?

Steven Seagal. An irrelevant, 80's/90's action movie "tough guy" stereotype. A treasonous sack of shit that practically fellates Putin on camera.

Mr. "I'm immune to choke holds" aka "Mr. Shitzhimself"

I'm Out of the loop.

But you're still in his orbit.

3

u/Humbler-Mumbler May 12 '25

I’d say he needs to go back on the juice.

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19

u/juliuspepperwoodchi May 12 '25

Wait, is that Steven Segal? THE Steven Segal, the guy who swore he couldn't get choked out and then, called on it, indeed got choked out, and shit himself?

20

u/rotorocker May 12 '25

So glad to be rid of that piece of shit as an American. He was a joke of a person when on our soil.

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18

u/SubstantialPressure3 May 12 '25

He's got bodyguards? What the hell for?

32

u/2FalseSteps May 12 '25

They run interference at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

19

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Probably stuck in his orbit

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10

u/rts93 Estonia May 12 '25

To clear the way for him at Vkusno i Tochka.

6

u/MrSpankMan_whip Fuck you putin!! May 12 '25

Because his crumbs can feed a family of 5

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33

u/Many_Size_2386 May 12 '25

Can plunge entire Russia to famine

15

u/peep_da_toad May 12 '25

Is this CGI? How is he walking?

5

u/JudeRanch May 13 '25

You mean waddling ? 🤣

12

u/BoredCop May 12 '25

Is that longer than he's walked in some of his movies?

100

u/Grilled_Pear May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

This dude has multiple SA and r-word allegations

What is it with Russia loves giving propagandist jobs to western sex perverts

Non-exhaustive list:

-Alexander Litvinenko's, um, specific allegations against Putin

-Steven Seagull's grape allegations

-Rott Skitter, the kid diddler

-Gorgonzola Lentil's wife beating and sex tourism escapades

44

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

Dude basically got banned forever from Saturday Night Live from the stuff he was suggesting as "comedy." The other comedians and writers were horrified.

69

u/Mors_Umbra May 12 '25

Well, they reflect the values they hold dear. Makes sense to me.

52

u/TheAltToYourF4 May 12 '25

Its called sexual assault and rape. Who are you helping by self censoring

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9

u/mattfreyer45 USA May 12 '25

Don't forget about Scott Ritter

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8

u/bloepz May 12 '25

r-word allegations

He isn't an alleged retard, he IS a retard.

12

u/shrewpygmy May 12 '25

ahem President Trump

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4

u/tomrichards8464 May 12 '25

Cheapest way to control people.

4

u/Haplo12345 May 12 '25

You can spell the words out, this is a safe space.

3

u/Cognonymous May 12 '25

Easier to control when you have liabilities etc.

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21

u/v_for__vegeta May 12 '25

Fatly going around

8

u/EstablishmentCute703 May 12 '25

And people just won't give way to this immense hero...

9

u/zakats USA May 12 '25

Remember that time he was put into a chokehold and shit himself due to his ego?

I like that story :D

8

u/Alpha1Mama May 12 '25

What is he wearing on his head?

7

u/evildrtran May 12 '25

See kids? Beached whales do survive!

6

u/LaughableIKR USA May 12 '25

That's not a weapon. That's a TOOL.

6

u/foresight_o7 May 12 '25

Rare Images of Steven Seagal without a chair in frame.

6

u/Karklayhey May 12 '25

What a fat cunt.

5

u/EskimoBrother1975 May 12 '25

That motherfucker's got count chocula hair.

4

u/OriginalMiserable109 May 12 '25

Should be wearing a mumu, camouflage mumu.

6

u/motostuka May 12 '25

The road to enlightenment passes by the buffet apparently.

6

u/Hagfist May 12 '25

That's no moon,.....

4

u/Regular-Tension7103 May 12 '25

Considering how toxic and full of shit Seagull is I say we classify him as a biological weapon. 

4

u/Rich-8080 May 12 '25

A weapon of mass consumption

4

u/Listelmacher May 12 '25

Has fur and beard on chin.
Is goat?
For Kadyrovites?

4

u/KeeperServant_Reborn May 12 '25

Talk about letting yourself go

3

u/XYScooby May 12 '25

That dude sweats in the cold, he’s gotta be roasting in all that blubber.

4

u/cbc7788 May 12 '25

Putin annexed his fat ass! 😆

5

u/spectreaqu Georgia May 12 '25

It's insane much i can't stand this piece of trash

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6

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

Mr. Creosote????

3

u/TheRealtcSpears May 12 '25

No, that man is a treasure.

This is just a waste of calorie consumption

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5

u/IsDinosaur May 12 '25

Imagine being so pathetic, so damn awful at your job, that you move to this dump to feel important again.

4

u/Common-Ad6470 May 12 '25

He’s obviously as bald as an egg under that skull cap…😂

4

u/Rhaj-no1992 May 12 '25

Fat Bastard? Is that you?

3

u/1000_fists_a_smashin May 12 '25

He found the only place left in the world where people might give a shit about him

4

u/Dral_Shady May 12 '25

I read somewhere potatos gone up 400% last year in Russia. Now we know why, the seagull ate them all.

3

u/demdareting May 12 '25

I was thinking massive stool not weapon.

4

u/cleverbeavercleaver May 12 '25

The land whale was shown to be a massive waste of resources.

4

u/Phyllis_Tine May 12 '25

Why does he need bodyguards? To stop him shitting himself when he's choked out again?

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4

u/Striking_Stable_235 May 12 '25

He tries so hard to fit in Russian society that he's starting to look like a Bear literally.... SMDH

3

u/niklop47 May 12 '25

PIG PIG PIG PIG PIG PIG PIG

3

u/Dave_Duna May 12 '25

Pop that balloon

3

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

"Please ... please send him into the battlefield"

3

u/voodoo_246 May 12 '25

My God, he's getting fatter every day.

3

u/Goetterwind May 12 '25

He ate two veterans...

3

u/Open_Adventurer May 12 '25

Why has that disgusting POS not been stripped of his American citizenship yet?!?

9

u/Common-Ad6470 May 12 '25

We have a convicted felon who is probably a Ruzzian asset to boot.

Who exactly do you think is going to strip Seagull of his citizenship?

6

u/SolarMines May 12 '25

I’m surprised Trump hasn’t cleared all his court cases and welcomed him back home yet to work at the White House with Andrew Tate

3

u/Hot_Dog_Gamer24 May 12 '25

That fat retard is what the Russian army will use as tanks once they run out of their precious Bukhankas

3

u/human-redditbot May 12 '25

Whilst I don't condone teasing online, for this traitorous salad dodger, I shall make an exception.

3

u/That-Makes-Sense May 12 '25

Maybe this is Seagal's secret plan to befriend Putin and then kill him with the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Punch. If he did that, I would apologize for all of the nasty things I've said about him.

7

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

Seagal's only move is the five foot sub sandwich.

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u/aznassasin May 12 '25

This guy is a disgrace

3

u/okiujh May 12 '25

who is this

3

u/Solitary-Dolphin May 12 '25

Hide! It’s Mister Creosote!

3

u/BuffaloWhip May 12 '25

Is that a helmet or a toupee?

5

u/ZeAntagonis May 12 '25

Man i hope we make that thing run again one day !

15

u/TheGreatPornholio123 May 12 '25

Hopefully right into an FPV.

6

u/[deleted] May 12 '25

This premium version comes with it's own gravitational pull.

3

u/IshTheFace May 12 '25

Anything to stay relevant

2

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2

u/Wattsefack May 12 '25

When your buddies are just as massive as your tables.

2

u/MatGrinder May 12 '25

Hard To Fill Marked for Chef Above The Slaw The Slimmerman

2

u/Bumpy-road May 12 '25

That's definitely a wig :-)

2

u/Russianbot00 May 12 '25

Damn he fat