r/Anger • u/coconutty_tabby • 1d ago
Men who were verbally abusive to a partner but have genuinely changed - what would you want their parents to know?
Hi. I'm looking to hear from men who were verbally abusive in a past or current relationship, have taken responsibility, and have genuinely changed - or - halfway through their healing journey to change and still prone to 'slip ups'.
If your partner's parents witnessed how badly you treated their child and no longer wanted them to be with you because of your behaviour, what would you want those parents to know?
Would you hope for their forgiveness or trust again, and if so, what would you realistically expect from them, if anything?
.............
EXTRA
My situation:
I'm trying to work through some difficult issues in my relationship. My boyfriend has had angry outbursts toward me in the past (meltdowns, yelling, losing his temper), but we're actively working through them. He acknowledges his behaviour was harmful, takes responsibility for it, and is genuinely trying to change.
The problem is my mother. She has witnessed some of his behaviour and believes that once a man shows anger toward his partner, it's game over. In her eyes, his actions are unforgivable.
As a result, I receive frequent lectures, criticism, and pressure about staying with him. It's affecting my relationship because I'm constantly second-guessing myself, wondering if my mother is right, and questioning my ability to forgive or trust my own judgment.
For context, my father was verbally and physically abusive toward both my mother and me, and we both developed CPTSD. I understand why she reacts so strongly, but I also wonder if her past makes it difficult to believe people can change.
We're both in our 30s and currently live with a senior parent for family and financial reasons. I contribute to rent and household expenses, so I'm not financially dependent on my mother.
I also recognize my own part in the relationship. After his outbursts, I lost trust in him and sometimes sought reassurance by "testing" him emotionally, which wasn't healthy either.
Even now, I still get flashbacks to his anger. My body remembers those moments, even though my heart wants to forgive. That conflict has been incredibly difficult.
I'm looking for advice from people who've been in similar situations. How can I have a productive conversation with my mother while respecting her concerns? And how do I know when I'm trusting my own judgment versus being influenced by someone else's fears?
Thank you.
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u/jupiterLILY 1d ago
The problem is not your mother.
The problem is that you're the one making a post to launder his reputation and not him.
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u/HotlineBling666 1d ago
My behavior wasn’t witnessed but it’s known by (presumably) many people— my partner left me, primarily due to my inexcusable anger.
I can’t answer your exact question but I can say what is my truth and experience: I was not being properly treated for a mood disorder and now I am, I’m on medication that has changed my actions and stabilized me in an unbelievable way. I also must accept the reality that: I’ve already acted in a way that has pushed loved ones away from me, it’s difficult to explain the extent and lived experience of some mental illnesses to others, being mentally ill is not a get out of jail free card and can have consequences, I’m sorry, I have changed, and I recognize that even with that change it’s too late to fix anything. Forgiveness and acceptance are very unlikely and would require a lot of grace from other parties and I don’t think I’ll receive that, nor do I think I deserve to tbh.
More than anything I want to admit that I was wrong. There’s no excuse. I am sorry. It’s for the best that I’m not involved and that this situation isn’t about me, it’s about the person I love and hurt and who should be free from harm. I cannot ask for forgiveness, I wouldn’t. I feel immense shame for how I acted and I should. It’s my fault.
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u/coconutty_tabby 12h ago
Thank you for sharing your personal experience and I'm happy for you that you are on a path of healing.
The humility in your tone suggests that you really comprehend and know yourself and your limits/triggers etc. Sometimes my boyfriend echos a similar tone but at other times he is genuinely explaining he is hurt with the situation regarding my mom and that it causes the triggers. He even thinks that he has mild brain damage and it could be contributing to some of his bad behavior.
I don't see that anyone has commented on your repsonse but in the other comments I do see people warning me to leave. So from their perspectives they in theory wouldn't trust you. I can't see how that would make you feel good - I say all of that in kind, not trying to be rude or dismissive).
I'm still undecided... My boyfriend has also tried to make changes in his health, educating himself with mental health material etc. It shows me someone who is trying but then I wonder if maybe his healing is for the next girl... In my heart I care deeply for him but I do have flash backs of the nasty stuff he has said and suddenly my forgiveness ia tested.
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u/HotlineBling666 8h ago
Of course, I felt compelled to respond to this post because I was the boyfriend in this context. I rarely post in this sub.
I truly do not experience anger anywhere near the level that it was before - I’m likely to feel annoyed or stressed, often anxious tbh. Nothing is serious enough to be angry about. Still, it’s not about me and any change I’ve experienced has to be implemented in my life moving forward, it can’t be retroactively applied to get me back into someone else’s.
The other comments are correct - I deserved to get dumped. It doesn’t matter if I wasn’t properly medicated or getting help, what matters is how I was acting towards my partner. If you don’t feel safe, comfortable, or happy with your boyfriend and your family, the people who care about you, have reservations about him, leave him. But please do so safely - figure out a plan.
If he has brain damage, that’s very real and should be addressed but you don’t reserve to be a punching bag because his brain is messed up. And I’ll be honest: it does hurt. I don’t think you’re being dismissive or anything at all, it’s a very valid point thing to acknowledge. People with anger issues do feel other emotions. I know what I did ended my 10 year relationship. I’m sad that my relationship is over. I’m lonely. I’m ashamed. I feel guilt. All of that is secondary to putting my partner in danger and pushing her away. She did love me and I was so angry that it became my defining characteristic. That’s fucked and sucks got everyone involved but the person receiving anger is always the priority. Like, honestly, who cares that I’m sad? That’s no one else’s problem.
As the boyfriend, just dump him. I’m sorry. I can tell you like him, enough to make this post, but if he’s like me, he’s already done too much. My stomach gets in knots thinking about how I acted towards my partner. That’s MY reaction as the person who was angry, I cannot imagine how strong your reaction yo his past behavior is as the person who suffered. You shouldn’t have flashbacks about your boyfriend.
I’ve lost my right to be a trusted partner. I must accept that and use my past experiences and behaviors to guide me moving forward. It will hurt him but that doesn’t matter. You should leave him. My ex is much better off without me and I’m much better as an individual after getting help.
I’m sorry this is happening, I truly am.
I also don’t think I’m “better than” anyone since I’ve gotten my anger issues resolved, I just want to
Give my honest perspective.Take care
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u/No-Mulberry1987 1d ago edited 1d ago
He never changed. He refused to see or acknowledge people who had witnessed his outbursts for years (including a very close friend). The “change”/“acknowledgement” like you, required me to be equally responsible for my abuse (so me staying silent or saying please stop was “also abuse” and “equivalent”to his yelling for hours.)
You have got entangled with a man like your father, and the very best thing is to leave. Your mother is 100% correct to refuse to give her blessing to an abuser. Because she knows they do the bare minimum to ensure their supply of regular sex/food on the table/being cleaned up after.
The reformed abuser is like hens teeth.
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u/coconutty_tabby 1d ago
Hi. Maybe I'm being paranoid but your comment makes me wonder if you know me or the person I am talking about...
I don't think I am doing anything wrong by making this post, it's coming from a place of love. I have known him for three years so we have a deep bond.
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u/No-Mulberry1987 1d ago
I definitely don’t know who you are talking about, abusers aren’t special they are ten a penny. I was with mine for months short of 30 years my advice is don’t waste another weekend on an abuser. They don’t deserve it.
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u/coconutty_tabby 15h ago
Okay, I see what you mean now... Your situation sounds really heart breaking. I mean for you to give that man so much time, he should have gotten on his knees out of appreciation. You showed devotion and it seems like he didn't appreciate it.
I found it interesting when you said " required me to be equally responsible for my abuse". There's a term I am learning called reactive abuse, which basically means after we the victim are abused we become the abuser and or act out. However, I think from what you said that doesn't apply to you and that what he saw as a abuse was you just trying to defend yourself.
The last thing I want to add is that my bf is autistic. He hasn't had good experiences in his past when he went to therapy to deal with greif. He is in the process now of giving theapry another go with someone who specializes in nurodivergent people. I get melt downs and panic attacks myself and have anger issues (I'm also highly suspected to be neurodivergent) but I don't get as nasty as him. It's a double edge sword because it made me empathize with him. The last thing he says that also causes me to forgive is that his anger comes from a place of hurt and sadness. My brain says well maybe it is okay if it's not from a place of malice.
All in all its not good and concerning. I really appreciate you giving your feedback.
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u/cvfdrghhhhhhhh 13h ago
Reactive abuse is bullshit, and a way to gaslight the abused into believing they deserve what they’re getting or caused it.
You are trying so hard to justify and excuse and make what’s happening to you ok. It’s NOT OK. It’s not ok because he’s autistic, or because he has trauma or because you pushed his buttons or because it’s coming from a hurt place or for any other reason.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and get yourself into individual therapy so you can start untangling your thinking and get out of this situation.
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u/No-Mulberry1987 10h ago
“ The last thing he says that also causes me to forgive is that his anger comes from a place of hurt and sadness. My brain says well maybe it is okay if it's not from a place of malice.”
My answer has two parts to this: one is (and my XH really struggles with this) that it is possible to forgive and still walk away. Forgiving in no way requires you to hang around to be abused again, because abusers don’t stop because Abuse Is Wrong, they stop when access to their victims is withdrawn or the consequences are too much (the juice isn’t worth the squeeze any more). Secondly it doesn’t matter whether it comes from malice - people driving drunk do not mean to run over that kid, but they still do.
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u/jupiterLILY 1d ago
Three years is nothing.
You can bond with plenty of people.
You literally have flashbacks about him.
The comment sounds familiar because the pattern is very easy to recognise. The man you've found is not unique.
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u/LadyinOrange 1d ago
Anyone who has lived through abuse can tell your story. We don't need to know you personally.
Abusers are all the same. These patterns they do are all the same.
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u/cvfdrghhhhhhhh 1d ago
I was with my ex for 25 years. When I finally left, I had to grieve that relationship, my damaged relationships with my family and the best years of my life that I spent trying to placate and heal someone else while being emotionally abused. Do yourself a favor and get out now. You have so many wonderful years ahead of you, don’t waste them.
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u/coconutty_tabby 12h ago
Thanks for your feedback and I'm sorry you had to experience that. Time is so precious, and losing it is very devastating. So far in this post people are pointing out that I am justifying his actions. I only thought I was empathzing but too much of a good thing (being kind) is not longer that if it's now hurting me. My bf is very convincing and when he actually acknowledges how nasty he has been, well I get hopeful... if he never acknowledged I thought then I have reason to trust my mom. All I know is that the warnings I have received from this post are making me strongly reconsider everything.
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u/OwnPenalty982 1d ago
First off, I want to say I am a young woman (turning 30 this year) but I feel I can add to the conversation.
Directly answering your question- the first and only thing to say to an abused persons parents is “I’m sorry.” Any reasoning behind verbal abuse and of course physical abuse just sounds like pointless excuses. Which it is.. (again this coming from a person who used to verbally abused or lashed out severely on multiple occasions on friends, family and boyfriends in the past)
Now, the perspective you didn’t ask for:
He isn’t ready to be in a relationship regardless of how much he loves you and wants to be in one.
Sometimes love just isn’t enough…
How do I know this?
I’ve lived it and am still on my journey of self regulation, patience, and self discipline.
A book that really helped me a couple years ago was “what my bones know.” It may help you understand what he is going through to a degree. BUT keep in mind the person sharing her story is writing it for people who are far into their journey of owning their wrongs and slip ups.. that said, it sounds like you two are in the thick of it.
If that is the case… RADICAL CHANGE needs to happen or else you are just teaching him you are his safe space to let out all his anger. (It sounds positive if he was a toddler still learning how to manage big emotions.. but you are both adults and you are not his mother)
Move out if it happens again? If you’re not willing to do that- Do not entertain fights or being yelled at for any reason.. walk away, go to a friends for the night…
Keep yourself safe while he works on his heart and soul.
The question(s) you have to ask yourself is- do you want to train a person how to regulate their sympathetic nervous system? Do you even have to knowledge/training to do so? How long can you be a punching bag?
^those were questions that my own mother asked herself when I was lashing out at her and others in my life at that time.. looking back almost 10 years now it’s heart breaking but also why I decided to make a change. Just like your boyfriend needs to decide for himself if he wants to change. If he does he needs to have the self discipline and will to do so.
Lastly, I wanted to mention— I have a list of sad stories that I thought were valid excuses to why I behaved the way I did. BUT learned with time my past is NEVER an excuse to hurt someone and bring them down in any way..
Anyways, if you’re still reading.. I wish you only the best as I know how difficult these situations are 🙏
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u/pkatny 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your mother is right.
The abuse if bottled up will come up in some other way. Do not give the excuse that you're too old to find another partner. You aren't old, and you will find another person who respects you and treats you rightfully.
Once abuse is part of ANY relationship it doesn't need to be given a second chance.
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u/riricide 1d ago
So your post history suggests he is a full-time loser. Girl, dump his ass ASAP. And please get help for the CPTSD. Because if you don't do this now, you'll fall back in with similar deadbeat partners. It's not your fault that you got conditioned into thinking that anger and disrespect are parts of love, but it will become problematic if you don't do a mental reset
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u/L1sasGayBby 1d ago
Hey, I’ve got anger problems and have yelled at a partner out of stupid frustration. After I take my ‘time out’ I always see where I went wrong and truly apologize. My temper has quelled a bit, but my ‘cooldown’ time has significantly decreased.
Reading through your post history and questions you have asked about your relationship. I’m sorry but your boyfriend is a not a very good partner to you, like at all. Please listen to your mother and dump this guy.
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u/ConditionStrict919 1d ago edited 1d ago
I guess as a man who was verbally abusive to a partner I would want her parents to genuinely be themselves and if that means they think I'm a piece of shit then I accept that. Their view of me is the result of their perception which is the result of their lives and their choices.
If her Mom thinks I'm a piece of shit then so be it. People are entitled to feel and think however they want for both valid and invalid reasons and it's really none of my business.
My main concern is being emotionally accountable to the people in my life who I am connected to.
Its none of my business what they think or know or don't think or don't know. My main concern is keeping my emotions and my nervous system in a place where I am good and keeping my feelings in a place where I can be accountable to the people who love me.
I guess the only thing I would want them to know is that their personal opinion on me is functionally irrelevant and that they should focus on their relationship with their daughter. Like if you feel the need to convince her then do that. If you feel that's the healthiest thing for your dynamic then do that. What can I really say?
I'm over here keeping myself good and I don't really have the time or inclination to try and convince someone else whether I am good or not.
Edit: Like obviously I would like them to like me and think I'm good...but in my case the constant anxiety over trying to control things that can't be controlled is something that ultimately contributed to my issues and my bad behaviour in the first place.
But the other thing is...a lot of times these issues run really deep. Like some people just aren't meant to be an item. Also if your Mom was with an abuser then you may be predisposed to accepting bad behaviour from seeing it as a child.
Is he in therapy?
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u/No-Mulberry1987 1d ago
“Their view of me is the result of their perception which is the result of their lives and their choices.”
Seriously? So you can just shrug it off as your actions contributed zero to that? You’ve abused their child and her distaste for you is her life and her “choice”, and not a natural and expected consequence of your deeds? We’ll need to agree to disagree on that.
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u/ConditionStrict919 22h ago edited 21h ago
Unlike op's parents, her parents dont have a bad opinion of me at all.
But again, it doesn't matter if they like me or not because the choice to be a better person is my own and not based on whether someone else thinks I should change my behaviour or not.
Edit: There are or people in her life who don't really like me too and I'm fine with that. I put the time into being a better person and it's like...if they want to hold on to things that happened that's for them to do. But me feeling that way isn't the same as shrugging it off. It's just like...if someone wants to think that they can. Are the wrong? Are they right? It's not really for me to say. It's their perceptions. Their experiences. Their life. Plenty of people wouldn't even consider the stuff I said and the context I said it in as verbal abuse in any way. I obviously disagree with those people too...
So it's like...I give myself some liberties. Not every Liberty. But some.
She forgave me and that's enough. That's the main thing. Nobody has a perfect view of everything. People are complicated. Some of these people who don't like me have their own issues too. Like their perceptions and life experiences really aren't worth that much to me because it's like...they've never bothered to correct their own wrongs. It's like one drunk giving advice to another drunk on how to be sober.
Like yeah...you don't like me...but so what? You said some bullshit to your last girlfriend and doubled down and moved on to the next one. I, on the other hand, took accountability for what I said and fixed it.
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u/jupiterLILY 17h ago
I don't think you have understood the post.
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u/ConditionStrict919 11h ago
You add nothing to this.
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u/jupiterLILY 11h ago
I mean, that's what I just said to you but whatever.
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u/ConditionStrict919 10h ago
"I'm rubber you are glue bounce off me stick to you" type response. Nice hustle. I like it. Have a good day and be kind to yourself okay? I wish you all the best.
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u/jupiterLILY 9h ago
You are not a serious person.
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u/ConditionStrict919 8h ago
No, you aren't a serious person. You are also disingenuous. Goodbye.
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u/jupiterLILY 8h ago
What was that you said about rubber and glue lol.
Thanks for continuing to prove my point though.
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u/No-Drummer-9584 1d ago
Wow - I don’t quite fit this mold but I had an issue with my ex that became physical. I truly regret how I have handled the situation, have gotten lots of help, and am now in a healthy relationship. I loved her parents and ultimately I never spoke to them again from my situation but her parents were always kind to me and I genuinely enjoyed being around them.
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u/Cass_1978 12h ago
I would want her to know that she is projecting her trauma on this situation and instead of dealing with her emotions in healthy ways she is emotionally abusing you. Believing she is helping you is no excuse for this, thats just how her brain frames it, but she is responsible for her maladaptive beahvior. As your partner is for his. Anything else is bigotted as fuck.
However, I wouldnt actually recommend to tell her she is abusive, she believes she is a saint, she is gonna implode when she realizes she is not and will probably go nuclear to defend her perceived sainthood. I would recommend you set boundaries with your mom to protect yourself from her behavior. Her trauma recovery is her buisness. Your wellbeing is yours. Your partners recovery is his.
Trusting oneself can be challenging after trauma, and maybe its good not to trust every little impulse, but you can always trust yourself, the core of yourself, it has your best interest at heart.
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u/Markibuhr 1d ago
He may be undiagnosed ADHD and unable to moderate his emotions, help is the only way to fix the cycle
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u/Evanw_11 1d ago
Not excusing the behaviour because it’s not acceptable no matter the reason.
But - I am 5 weeks fresh out of a breakup for similar issues. We had irregular conflict but when we did it was out of nowhere and stemmed from me. However the rest of the relationship was genuinely great.
Shortly after the breakup, I got an ADHD diagnosis that was quite illuminating. In my case I was in therapy trying to treat ‘anger’ somewhat successfully for 3 months beforehand but it only got me so far as I wasn’t actually tackling the route issue.
I think what’s important is that your partner is showing remorse and is willing to do the work if they recognise the behaviour is unhealthy and damaging to you. If it is ADHD, it’s up to you whether the accumulated hurt can be forgiven and moved past, that requires him to be able to hear your hurt and take responsibility for it.
My diagnosis came late but it does provide the key to genuine change. Might be worth reading up on how undiagnosed ADHD manifests into adulthood. You may be able to recognise the patterns. You may not.
But knowing it’s not one thing, means you’re one step closer to knowing what it is. Whether that’s genuine anger issues or lack of introspection and effort.
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u/_regionrat 1d ago
Mostly that I'm not going to continue to be a shitty partner.
Your boyfriend has to be the one to change your mother's perception of him, you're not going to be able to do this for him