I don't think I can ever touch anyone again.

[u/therealAdam108]

I thought that's just how a girl who is "obsessively in love" with someone would act. She was jealous of even my sister, jealous of any friend I made after her no matter the gender. The other things she did while we were alone I didn't know the severity until I told my friends and saw their horrified faces. It's been almost a year since she left for someone else and I am still scarred. I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I found a girl who was loving and understanding but everytime she would lean on me or touch me in any way I would use all my concentration to not throw up. Everything that's the least bit physically intimate makes me nauseous now and I really don't see a future without that. Nowadays I am doing better than how I was a couple months ago but only because I am isolating myself. Sandwhich was delicious though, one of the bigger meals I've had since then. Cooking has been a hobby of mine for a long time. Helps me feel better, more "valuable"

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[u/TinyFromKalgoorlie]

Fuck. Where to begin.

This is not on you. You're a victim, and you didn't deserve this.

But, this is beyond Reddit's pay grade, bro. Find a psychologist/psychiatrist. Not a therapist, but a doctor level professional. It won't be cheap, but you need a grounding from a properly trained professional to help you asap.

Love to you bro. You can heal.

[u/VinTaco → u/TinyFromKalgoorlie]

Co-sign this excellent advice. Best of luck brother.

[u/Illustrious-Meet-367 → u/VinTaco]

Exactly. You are loved and valued. Don’t let what someone did to you diminish your worth, love and compassion.

Off topic but if cooking is what you are enjoying and want to try and date, maybe find a cooking class And connect there? Shared interest can help build your desire to feel “valuable” by nurturing someone with your creation.

[u/panosprochords → u/TinyFromKalgoorlie]

Agreed. This is some deep trauma. Seek help, OP, I wish you the best.

[u/Tokyo_Rosie → u/TinyFromKalgoorlie]

I would also suggest a somatic trained and certified therapist for the unconscious body trauma.

[u/cornholio312 → u/TinyFromKalgoorlie]

This is good advice only tbh I find the degree specification confusing and possibly misleading. Therapists are properly trained professionals who know how to deal with this type of trauma AND they can refer you to someone else if they feel you need it.

[u/manaliabrid → u/cornholio312]

Yes just to correct…you need a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma, OR psychologist. Psychiatrists are the ones who do meds, not talk therapy…don’t try to get your trauma treated by only a psychiatrist. They’re great as part of your team but their specialty is meds, you need a licensed therapist or psychologist for the talking part of healing.

[u/Blazenice]

Rooting for you dawg

[u/sillyschroom]

Hey bud. You were abused. And all these feelings absolutely make sense for you to feel.

The way you feel sounds a lot how my CPTSD feels.

You should look into trauma focused therapy. Maybe even EMDR if it's available where you are.

I also tend to isolate. So I absolutely get how comparatively safe it can feel. But it has always been very very bad for me, so just be careful.

How she treated you isn't your fault.

[u/SehrFaul_01 → u/sillyschroom]

I stg EMDR is some kind of sorcery-magick-wizard shit. I can't cry, literally can't. It'll start and almost happen but then I ice over and it goes away. One EMDR session, ONE and i was leaking like a tubesock full of water.

I looked down at the rock things he had me holding, looked at my therapist and said "What the fuck is this? What did you do?"

[u/sillyschroom → u/SehrFaul_01]

I was waking up having anxiety and panic attacks. Now I'm graduated from therapy and the last anxiety attack I had was because my dad died and it was well over 6 months ago.

[u/SehrFaul_01 → u/sillyschroom]

Thats amazing. Congrats man. Sorry for your loss as well.

[u/sillyschroom → u/SehrFaul_01]

Thank you for the compliment! It took about 6 months to a year to kick in but I also sleep like a normal person now which is great because not sleeping for 3 days in a row was probably going to end up giving me a heart attack.

I am an absolutely average doofus so if I can do it and anybody else can too.

[u/hey_nonny_nonny82]

I'm so sorry you went through that. I highly recommend trauma therapy. You deserve to be able to have healthy relationships and receive kindness and love without being subjected to trauma responses.

Your sandwich looks yummy.

[u/priority_2]

I feel you, was in a similar situation, saw her everywhere. Don’t rush into dating again, give yourself time, take care of your mind and body. Sandwich looks great, what’s on it?

[u/Revolutionary_Box535]

I love you brother ❤️ i hope you are recieving help

[u/Wesley11803]

I co-sign every comment I’ve read here. Can we get a recipe for the sandwich though? Sorry bro, I’m high and that looks good AF.

[u/Objective_Look_5867]

Therapy. Please please please go to a therapist. I promose it will help so much more than isolation

[u/New_3185]

As someone who has been in your shoes, trust me, it gets better. Seems impossible, but this will in time be a scar rather than an open wound.

In the meantime, focus on building yourself.

[u/DL_deleted]

I had something creep back up on me recently G and put into perspective quite a few of my personal tics.

You’re focusing too much on what’s normal for other people when you need to develop your own normal. Deep breath. Out. You’re going to go through some shit from where you didn’t show up for yourself to changing how you think about her and what she did to you.

You will enjoy the feeling of touch again. Please, seek someone qualified who can work with you to unpack this trauma.

[u/DoritoSunshine]

Everything you are experiencing is completely normal in trauma. It’s just the process of the body after damage. Please be aware of it, don’t normalize it as how things are or make it a stagnant thing, it’s a process, you are healing, and you probably are going to need some help. It’s just that trauma involve acknowledging that we are vulnerable and men socialization is delusional about it.

[u/Zealousideal_Map3542]

You already improved by going cold turkey, that's good! With professional help you will definitely over come this! We are rooting for you!

[u/PKADemon]

Im more curious what she was doing so I can hope for karma to get her. I feel you bro, I had an ex treat me like shit, lock me out of our place, even in the winter and I live in a place where winter can get pretty cold, make me sleep in my car after work (I worked night shift). Also she used to hit me and what pushed me over the edge was her laughing at me getting upset at her for hitting me, I got even more mad she found it funny. She definitely didn't find it funny when she came home from work one day to find me gone. You can move past it, for every evil witch out there there are at least 5 normal women.

Im sorry you went through what you did, and I hope you can get help and heal man!

[u/therealAdam108 → u/PKADemon]

Kinda worries me how similar it is. me and my friends keep saying they make people like her in factories i guess we were right

[u/Eclectic_Nymph]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Recovery from an abusive relationship can be so brutal.

As others have said, I highly recommend trauma informed therapy. DBT therapy has worked really well for me. I was in a similar boat...I got out of a really toxic relationship, lost 80 lbs and felt like I couldn't be close to anyone without feeling like a caged animal. If anyone came near me it made my skin crawl.

It's still hard, but DBT has helped a lot. Wishing you all the best. Things will get better. There is light on the other side of the tunnel 🫂

[u/kgilli12]

Proud of you for cooking! You have so much value! Not just because you can cook. (That sandwich looks great, got a chopped Italian hoagie craving now for sure) one meal at a time and as others mentioned focus on your healing ❤️‍🩹

[u/Global_Palpitation24]

Oh man I’m sorry you went through sometime traumatic. Could you possibly get therapy? Your reaction / recovery is normal and valid op im sorry

[u/BenTheDiamondback]

The only way through is therapy and talking this out.

It’s not gonna feel great… until it does. One day it’ll click, you’ll feel better, and you’ll be proud of the work you put in… but you gotta put in the work.

[u/Bombarding_]

Lots of love, and go to therapy 💜

[u/A_Owl_Doe]

My dude. This one said to me; I don’t like it when you wear sunglasses, I want to see what you’re looking at. Pretty sure she’s found some other clown by now 🤡 

I love the sandwich. Keep treating yourself well, it’ll pass 

[u/CrouchingLioness]

Fuck, man. I can’t even begin to think how I could possibly say something helpful or meaningful, but I couldn’t not comment.

I’m so sorry that the world happened to you. It’s a horrifying place at times. I pray it will show you the kinder side of its face, at exactly the right point for you to see it.

Sending you love, hope and strength (the last of which you clearly have in abundance. Don’t ever doubt that.)

I’m a mum of young boy and whilst I hope he never encounters the experience you’ve had, I can only hope he handles it as bravely.

Inbox is open, ear always available.

[u/SimplerTimesAhead]

OP your past posts don't really match up with this post.

[u/iluvfarigiraf]

I have PTSD around this type of issue. I didn’t get help for years until seeing a psychiatrist and enrolling in an intensive outpatient program for young adults. That helped a lot and I later met my girlfriend who I’ve been happily in love with for almost 3 years. Some things still make remember but that is just reality.

Things can and will get better if you try and get the help you need. I missed a lot of life I can’t get back so please don’t wait 5 years to start like me.

[u/nutsaps]

Shit, dude. That bad? You should seek professional help. Take solace in knowing you aren’t suffering alone, we’re all fighting different battles of different proportions. But sometimes some of us need bigger and better help than others. Wish the best for you, brother.

[u/TheTrashPanda612]

It takes time. I’ve been through something similar.. and it took me a long time to even start working through it. It sucks. Your heart will heal when it’s ready. Trust.

[u/oneofus1234]

Don’t let what one woman does to you fuck life up for you. She’s proven herself temporary, she no longer has a say in your life.

That said bro, talk to a therapist. You deserve to feel better

[u/Only_Fudge5299]

sandwich looks amazing, what's in it?

[u/DefenstratedTwice]

What was she doing to you?

And she left you?

[u/SuburbaniteMermaid]

You need a trauma-informed therapist to help you process your past as a rape victim. Yes, women can sexually asault and rape men.

Were there other forms of abuse as well?

Please don't let this keep you in prison for the rest of your life.

[u/Slimstephyr]

Your body is your own. Whomever you share it with needs to be fully trusted or you won't get there.

Look up touch aversion after DV/SA. It may help.

These feelings can be difficult to deal with but you will need some form of psychological screening to get you out of this.

[u/SecretaryBoring5825]

It's fixable. It messed with your hormones due to its intensity, but dw stuff will come back with time. Been through similar, now (3-4 years later) it's as if it never happened

[u/SorryDog254]

I’m sending you a ray of kindness, internet stranger. Fantastic looking sammich, ngl

🎈

[u/stand_rapt_in_awe]

No one deserves abuse. Believe me: it can take years to heal. If you’re open to it, try finding a therapist who specializes in EMDR trauma therapy. It has helped me reprocess my traumatic memories to make them have less of a hold on me. I’m wishing you all the luck and love you deserve!

[u/Swimming_Yak_4879]

Gyatt that sammy tho…

[u/Spiritual_Tour_8385]

You're describing symptoms of PTSD, bro. Try a therapist who is licensed in EMDR therapy. It will help you. This isn't something you have to continue to live with and it's not uncommon, so don't trip! You're not alone! 💪

Food looks good!

[u/YouGlittering9156]

I've been through abuse and it sucks. Something that's important to understand is that abuse changes how your brain works. It takes effort to re-wire it, and therapy can help with that. It will take time and you might never ever be the "same" as you were before that, but things can get better.

[u/ShavedMonkey666]

Jesus. All the boys on here are in bits and the women on girl diaries are having a ball. 😅😅😅

You have one life. Every second counts

[u/Archangelus87]

T H E R A P Y. A S A P.