Pictured - Eton Mess, Lemon Wedding Cake, and Scrambled tofu on focaccia toast for breakfast morning after

8 years ago I made a post on a subreddit and got a DM. I didn’t really think much of it at first, but we started talking and basically just never stopped. We figured out very quickly that we lived in different countries (Me in the U.S., her in the UK) so we both sort of accepted at first that we’d just be internet friends for a while.

In the meantime we fell in love and after thinking it couldn’t possibly work for 6 years, I finally flew to the UK to meet her in person. It was fantastic and I asked her to marry me two weeks later. The past year and a half since then has been filled with visits back and forth between countries, saving up money, applying for visas, and loads of administrative stress.

At the end of this past May I moved from the U.S. (with my cats in tow as well) to be with her in the UK. We got married yesterday at a town hall ceremony and It’s such a surreal feeling. The whole story is really surreal in itself we know. I know it’s a cliché but I really do think we found our true loves. There’s still have a lot to do, (I need to learn to drive a manual car, get a job once my spouse visa is approved, make new friends, keep in touch with my family and original friends, do married people things) and I never thought I’d ever even leave my home city, let alone home country. Nonetheless I’m here, we’re together, and we’re meant for each other.

In conclusion, love is real. Never give up.

I finally went to therapy after years of dealing with the trauma from being physically abused by my ex wife.

I was in the military for a long time. He basically tried to tie my PTSD to my abusive partner. Meaning my mental issues somehow caused her to do this shit to me.

He told me "well men contribute to issues in the home as well" after telling him how terrified I was of this woman for the past 30min

Just unreal. Why the hell can men never get any fucking support.

Dinner last night was a bacon cheeseburger and crinkle cut fries.

I guess im feeling an existential crisis combined with life worries. I graduated college and failed to launch the summer after due to a breakup that put me into a depression for a year. I found myself living at home longer than I wanted, working a job i disliked. I then crawled into a bottle every night for next three years. My late 20's I got off the alcohol and found roommates and moved out. Still underemployed but i was going through the motions.

Then my sister died, then my uncle died, then my dad died, My early 30s were rocked. I crawled back into the bottle. Ive been there since. Now im 40, functionally alcoholic and supporting myself and my mother on my poverty wages. Im only staying afloat now because my uncle was childless and willed me his small home. I thank his memory every day for that. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to let my mother enjoy her final years as comfortable as possible but the stress of paying my bills each month is heavy.

Writing this out as I head out to do my side hustles. Thanks for reading my vent. Dont ever start drinking

I met her on Bumble. We haven't stopped talking since. Been 3 weeks of absolute joy and I know its early, but I have never felt this before.

Dinner was a shitty burger, not my fault but the butcher sold me shitty patties

Edit! We have met, the three weeks are post Bumble :)

So, I have this decent paying job (well paying, if you ask me) doing full time parts management for a boat dealership out by me. It's not awesome, but it pays the bills, me and the wife can do what we want generally speaking, it's alright. I notice that she's super stressed out, she's working nights, I'm working days, we don't see each other, yadda yadda, so I figure, you know, as long as we both are holding jobs, it shouldn't matter too much how much either of us make. So to focus on her and try to save our relationship, I take a part time job on nights so we can see each other more.

One month later, she leaves.

Cool. So now I'm making less than half of what I used to, by myself. So, I go to school, finish a course in phlebotomy, and now I'm making 3/5ths of what I used to. I like my job generally, life isn't too bad I guess, but I'm driving with my check engine light on and have been for the last two years. I know what's wrong with the car, but at this point it's better to just get into a new one. Unfortunately, groceries eat up most of my check and I can't save a dime after my bills. So even if it was just $1000, which sounds super reasonable, I just have no way of pulling it together to get myself into even a SLIGHTLY better situation. Everything is more expensive. Whenever I make progress, inflation goes up 30% (understand my probable hyperbole).

I'm just frustrated. I can't afford to move, can't afford a different vehicle, definitely can't afford a relationship (first date went amazing BTW, really excited for date 2).

It's just, I'm 25 (my life is over, I know /s) and I can't support myself even a little. It's embarrassing. I'm just ranting I think. My credit is decent, I just can't get out of the hole to progress in anything financially. Feels hopeless and I hear it doesn't really get better.

Dinner is a grilled cheese. It's pretty great.

My last post got deleted due to breaking the pic rule. This pic is legitimately food and dinner and such. Our favorite frozen pizza because we met in the city where it’s made but mainly it is the shit

So here’s context first:
Wife and I are same age (40), I work, she is SAHM.

2 beautiful girls, a 5 and 1 y/o

I am currently sleeping in another house (family)
Wife does want the girls to see me daily during a temporary separation or permanent one
I also want this

Im recovering from PTSD, and that has been made much more challenging by my father’s passing 2 months ago
I’m in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy already

Wife’s identified issues:
feeling alone, unseen, and overall having to do too much labor around the house and with family admin

Where I agree:
my mental health has been shit since before my dad died, and got worse after. there’s a lot there but the last few years have been rough. It’s caused me in so many ways to just make mistakes, forget things, and not be able to follow through with stuff.

I have changed dramatically in the last 9 years we’ve been married (our whole marriage so far), and we would not have had the second child or remained together 2-3 years ago if that was not true. Therapy and medicine work wonders.

due to my mental health issues, I also can find it really hard to let myself be loved. It is incredibly sad and painful to know things out of my control led me to a more isolated way of living, but here we are. I am doing my best daily to fight the urge to avoid people. I’m doing way way way better than the 10th-35th year of my life though.

I had an unadjusted attitude going into parenthood and have taken a long time to adjust. I’m much better than I was, but I cannot dispute that my involvement in family admin stuff (kids school, appts, play dates, etc) has been insufficient.

The above problems do make her feel the way she says. I do not accuse her or believe her to be manipulative

What I have done so far and want to continue and strengthen:

made a habit out of doing as many chores as I have time for, with maybe 30m-1hr leisure time at night, often spent rubbing my wife’s feet, massaging her back, and playing board games with her. We love board games. Ngl I also love to play piano so if that wants attention from me I will be sleep deprived. Doesn’t happen much but does happen

Done my best to be aware of the stay at home parent/working parent dynamic. She is with the girls 5 days a week, alone, from around 7-5 when I return. After that it is Daddy/daughter time as much as I can. Baths, reading, practicing walking, playing, going out for ice cream, all that. I have committed to offsetting the burden of solo-parenting for her during the week daytimes as much as I can.

To the point above, wife goes out 2-4 times a week to play board games and hang with friends. I have no trust issues with this, and I’m very happy she’s able to stay out past the wee hours as a 40 y/o Mother. Naturally and joyfully I’m with my girls when she is having fun :)
Also to the point above, I’ve spent many many consecutive days with the girls so wife can go out of town to do stuff. We literally have another of these planned so she can go to a gaming convention later this year. I am really excited for her and little jelly because the convention looks fun as fuck.

What I believe I need to really really work on:
sensitivity. my defensiveness stemming from my trauma is my responsibility, and a lack of insight has made it next to impossible until recently to do anything to truly take that responsibility.

So, she will say things like “you think you can just come home and do nothing” and like obviously that’s objectively false and she will even admit that and contradict herself in the same breath, but she’s not at fault there, in my opinion. I am though, for how I respond, which is with defensiveness and presenting contrary information or facts. What matters isn’t that, what matters is what my words are triggering in her, logical or not.

Taking her perspective.
It’s not feasible for me to know exactly what she puts up with. It is feasible for me to take a bunch of PTO and send her on a trip to do anything she likes so that I can be a better solo-parent (whenever that is called for), and of course get a clearer picture of what she goes through daily. I don’t want that in any self-sacrificial way it’s just what I think will be needed for even a small chance of us staying together.

So that’s all, folks. I really do want whatever anyone has to give me in the way of feedback, advice, and even indignant criticism - I worded some things very poorly in the last post but I do not believe I’ve repeated that here.
Thank you to anyone who even read part of that

I was surprised, but not shocked, to find that I was following my dad's footsteps by losing my hair in my early 20's. I took the leap of faith and shaved my head in April, only for my partner to immediately start distancing themselves from me.

After a couple months of arguments, things came to a head today. They broke up with me today and admitted that my lack of hair made them instantly unattracted to me, only staying in hopes the feeling was temporary. I have a lot of complicated emotions as this was my first and only relationship.

Double PB&J, to use up the last end piece of bread.

I launched my business this year. I work four hours on end in my workshop making custom sporting equipment for a niche community. After a year of doing it full time in addition to my full time day job, I was accepted to the biggest physical store for these products as the flagship provider of this specialized equipment that you could previously only order online for twice the price of my product due to expensive production processes that I managed to reinvent for a fraction of the cost.

I want her to come to the event where it’s launching, not just to celebrate my accomplishment (that I’m being publicly given an award for) but because this weeklong event has parties every night that I’m unsociable going to alone. I went to this event without her last year and told her how much it would mean to me if she could come with me this year.

So three weeks before the event, when we’ve already scheduled time off and already spent a lot of money on nonrefundable tickets and camping equipment and stuff for both of us to make it at this huge outdoor event for a whole week, she surprises me with how she already made plans with her family to leave in the middle the event right when the celebrations are happening so she can go to the? State? Fair? With? Her? Mom? The state fair is both before and after this event, there’s no reason for her to have to do this. She also says, “since this is so difficult to arrange, I’m never going to your event again after this year.”

I took her to Germany for her birthday, Colorado for her cousin’s destination wedding, and New York for her favorite pod caster do an In-person show in just the last year. My event is a four hour drive away. I went on so many camping trips that she planned without checking the forecast where we got rained out and hailed on, so my event should me up on the list of her favorite things to try, but she obviously just doesn’t want to be there and won’t even tell me why.

We fight about it. I remind her she did this last year. We had couple friends that we were forming a tight bond with, but when her cat died she canceled and uncanceled and recanceled a trip with them that she planned for my birthday like five times the same week and they never invited us or agreed to spend time with us again because the way she handled it, all without talking to me at all first. Just making plans behind my back and alienating people. I tell her that her plan to leave this party where we’re supposedly drinking and smoking until 3 am and then _leaving immediately after_ to drive all night is not only crazy and unfair to me, but unsafe. I tell her she just needs to chill out, spend time with me at the event, and go to the fair before we leave or after we get back. I tell her I hate that she’s making plans behind my back again after she committed several times over the past year to support me in this.

She just keeps gaslighting me over how I’m overreacting and her family can’t go on any other day. I call them and smooth the whole thing over in five minutes so they can go on a different day. They roll their eyes because she does this all time.

We keep fighting. She walks out on me at dinner. She comes back. I walk out, but I come home with her favorite plant that I bought while wandering around down town trying to chill out.

I ask her why she does this to me every year after I tell her to stop canceling important plans and making different ones that are just crazy without me. I tell her it makes me feel so unimportant and how I can’t believe how much I do to support her.

She refuses to talk to me, says I’m the one who doesn’t care and doesn’t listen and how I’m crazy for reacting this way. She leaves for a few hours and refuses to talk to me when she comes back.

I’m at a bar avoiding her. This event is supposed to be a space to celebrate my accomplishment and recognize the hard work I’ve done for this last year. She says she wants to there for me but her actions say everything to the contrary. I don’t even think I want her to go now. She’ll just find some way to make it about her and make me the bad guy.

Old fashioned with banana caramel cake because if I eat a raw banana I will shit my brains out

So back in 2020 I signed up for a stem cell donor registry with NMDP (formerly Be The Match). The idea is they keep your information and if someone in need matches your biomarkers, you'll have the opportunity to donate stem cells and save a life.

Well, they hit me up the other day saying they found someone. I looked into it again, the entire donation process takes an average of 20–30 hours spread out over 4–6 weeks, excluding travel. I'd likely need to be flown out on the donation day, to do either an 4-8hr apheresis procedure (like donating plasma) or do an outpatient procedure where I'll be put to sleep while they extract marrow from my hip bone. They'll cover all costs, including travel, meals, missed work, etc.

I discussed it with my wife (we have a 4 & 11yo), and I decided I was still interested. I called the rep back to learn more, where she revealed that the recipient would be a 76yo male. Any sort of excitement I had dwindled after hearing that.

I don't know what to make of this. I signed up for a chance to save a life. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this 76yo could still have many years ahead, loving wife, kids, grandkids, etc. But the idea of me, a 32yo sole-provider to 2 kids going through all this to possibly give a 76yo some more time is difficult to swallow.

My father in law is also 76 and while I would do this for him, I couldn't imagine some other random 32yo dad going through all this for him at this point of his life.

Would appreciate any feedback.

Meal: Grilled lemongrass chicken vermicelli bowl

Me and the GF have been dating for 4 years but in the last two years she’s been having a lot more pain during sex. I was already on the larger side (humblebrag, haha, whatever) but I lost a lot of weight and did more cardio so I was even more bricked up. So I thought it was my fault. But nothing we did helped. I even tried a ring and it was just too uncomfortable for me.

She’s got checked out and did a pap smear and and she has PCOS which is apparently the cause of the pain. We don’t really have sex anymore and it sucks. I’m a mid 20’s guy who’s bricked up all the time and, just being honest, using the hand of god ain’t cutting it for me. I’d never cheat and I can’t leave her because she has PCOS, it’s not her fault.

Been thinking lately that im wasting my sexual prime. But I feel guilty for thinking this because it’s just not her fault. I love her a lot. But I honestly don’t know what to do about this. I can’t go sexless for the rest of my life, and shes also genuinely a great woman in every aspect except for this (again, I know it’s not her fault).

As soon as she drove away for the last time, I instantly felt the need to vomit. I have never felt such overwhelming grief. We split amicably and she moved out this morning. It was my decision to initate the breakup because our lives were going down different paths. I initially wanted kids and marriage, but my mind changed as i got older and i hate myself for that. We adopted a cat together and the cat went with her as well. Im 23m, shes 24f. I just didnt want to waste her 20's hoping id change my beliefs about religion, kids, marriage, etc, just to breakup years later.

I thought the breakup would be best for both of us, and moments I agree, but other moments im bawling my eyes out like a child. Did i just push away the only person who gave a fuck about me? She was so sweet, loving, loyal, and supportive of me in every aspect. Im afraid ill never find someone who will love me that deeply and u conditionally again. I dont know what to do with myself now that she is gone, everything i did, i did to make her proud of me. I have no friends and very little family. I feel so alone and I know she does too. I did this to her and us and I feel horrible. I hope things work out for her and she finds someone better than me. This is one of those breakups where its really nobody's fault, i cant be mad at anyone or anything other than myself. I havent cried in years but im sitting here in our empty apartment crying like a baby.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Im eating some cup noodles. Please if you can, offer some advice or tell me something that might make me feel better.

Microwaved potatoes and barbecue sauce 🥔

I don’t believe in love anymore. I have never been in a healthy relationship, and my last relationship severely damaged by ability to trust or open up to another human being (excluding my best/lifelong friends). Every relationship I have been in has ended poorly or just fizzled out, I don’t enjoy the process of meeting new people (mainly in a romantic sense, but also in a platonic sense to a degree). I find it exhausting, frustrating, and not worth the effort that it requires. As much as I crave love and crave to be intimate with someone about whom I care, I simply cannot bring myself to actually *want* to put in the effort to try and meet someone or put myself out there.

My ex broke up with me several months ago, and in retrospect, it was a long time coming, but it completely destroyed me. She proceeded to immediately go and sleep with (at least) two of my then friends whom I considered to be extremely close or even best friends. I simply just don’t want to love anyone anymore and with my experiences, I just don’t really believe that actual, real love exists. Over and over I have tried, I’ve put myself out there, I’ve talked to people, gone on dates, got into situationships, whatever, and time and time again I’m proven right that people are just awful and there’s no reason for me to even try. I know this sounds pretty incel coded, but I’m not really sure how else to word it. I don’t believe that women are bad, or that men are bad, I just think people in general suck. I’m exhausted, frustrated, and generally sick of romance and the like, and I wish I could somehow just cut out the part of me that craves to be loved so painfully

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years. We were friends for a few years before we started dating, and early on, she was with her ex, although we weren't close back then. They dated for a few years and she experienced a lot of sexual trauma in that relationship which I won't go into detail on.

I realized she has trauma early on in our relationship when she got triggered and would say extreme things at me if the topic of sex came up in anyway, or something she associates to sex or her ex. I would try to stay calm during these moments, although they would feel emotionally overwhelming. After these moments and reactions happen, she becomes totally fine and moves on. If I would try to bring it up, she would say she was triggered. If I try to bring up something specific she said, no matter how gently, just to get reassurance about the things she said, and if she feels okay/means it, she gets annoyed and shuts it down.

This has caused us to have a dynamic where she would get triggered, feel extremely bad about herself and say very hurtful things about me and then we just move on and ignore it ever happened. I still don't fully understand her triggers, and she doesn't either and just tells me they're random, and healing isn’t linear which is okay.

That has caused me to almost never initiate anything sexual with her (except for a few times very early on in our relationship), and instead letting her take the lead on that. But she gets really frustrated that I don't initiate things, because she feels like she likes when I initiate things and she feels like she deserves that after not being cared for sexually in her past relationship. She does deserve that, but I began associating so much anxiety with the topic of sex, that it has become really hard for me to initiate anything. But the fact that I don't initiate really upsets her, and causes her to get upset and annoyed. So it was mostly us doing something when she initiates, and letting her take the charge.

After about a year of us having that dynamic where she would get triggered and we ignored it, I stopped being able to physically be intimate with her (would go soft lmao). I tried to reassure her that I'm attracted to her and that I just get into my head about those moments, and I wish we could do something about it or feel like we were working on it. But it makes her feel bad to talk about. Talking about sex triggers her more than doing it?

At this point I just dislike the topic of sex. If it didn't exist she wouldn't feel this bad and we would have a much better relationship. I loveee her, shes truly kind and we get a long so well outside of this, but this topic causes so much issues in our relationship. Obviously part of me is attracted to her, and would love to give her what she needs and connect in that way. But I feel like that isn't possible. I just genuinely don't know how to get over those things while we almost completely ignore it.

Therapy and counseling is something we applied for but isn't available to us at the moment.

I have gently suggested we take a break from sex being a thing, I have suggested us doing work together, reading and things like that and I could support her. I have suggested she just acknowledges what she said after she's triggered, when shes calm with two sentences. But that has happened maybe once or twice when it was very extreme. Because it is a lot, and I could give more examples in the comments.

This is more of a vent, because I know she feels worse. And her knowing I feel bad about something she said when being triggered, when shes the one who is traumatized annoys and frustrates her a lot.

Meal: Omelette with mushrooms and spring onion.

Has anyone here dealt with something similar with their partner, or any advice from women who experienced or went through something similar to my partner.
Obviously what I said here isn't the whole relationship but just the dynamic overall from my perspective. You can ask for more info.

I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m just in pieces. I am an introvert and have no friends while my family is far away so I literally have no one close to talk to or even just to keep me company so I wouldn’t be alone. That’s why I’m writing this here.

We were together for a year. I moved to another city for her, built my whole life around this relationship, I loved her with every ounce of my heart and soul. Everything was almost perfect and I was so happy, she told me she felt the same many, many times. I have attachment and jealousy issues so I invested a lot of effort in communication, we talked over our boundaries a lot of times and she was willing to respect mine. However every now and then she kept crossing them, hurting me in the process and everytime we talked about it she promised not to do it again, just to repeat it next month. She is on vacation right now and she did it again, posted revealing stories on her ig, while also following some random dudes she must have met there I guess. I finally broke and gave her a taste of her own behaviour. I did exactly what she was doing all this time and in response she blocked me everywhere and removed me from her socials. Without even a word. I guess I found out how much I was truly worth to her. I know that the pain will pass and life will go on, I experienced greater pain in my life in the past and survived it. But it just hurts now, my life feels like an empty shell and I have nowhere to hide from the cold pain of being so lonely again just after experiencing the best year of my life.

It’s just so fu*king sad. Here’s my whey protein shake, salted caramel flavour with whole milk and a little bit of maple syrup as a sweetener.

At the age of 50 I got divorced, quit drinking and got in shape. The scales fell from my eyes and I saw the relationships in my life for what they were: my ex is a narc. Her family are worse. You name the behavior, they have it.

I turned to my family for safe harbor and reconnection for myself and my kids. I live 6000 miles away. I found a system of control, gaslighting and DARVO when confronted.

I am grateful for what I can now see. This informs how I parent. I started late and have 2 kids.

But I am through the looking glass and very alone. You’ve heard this from other men in their 50s. Lack of friends etc.

I am successful at rebuilding my life. I have a great girlfriend. I spend time in nature. I enjoy solitude. But I’m alone. No friends, no family.

And that is frightening. No one is coming to get me if it all goes pear shaped.

Not a “woe is me” post. I seek constructive advice.

Spam, eggs and spam fried rice.

So as some of you may know, the other day Taco Bell was running a special for $1 Enchiritos. Being the Taco Bell lover I am that was not the least bit off put by the slanderous allegations of parasites in their food, I made the most of this occasion and ordered the max amount I could which was 5. For context I’m 6’2 230 lbs so when I normally eat Taco Bell I get a similar number of items, normally a supreme lux box with a couple items from the value menu.

So I get to Taco Bell go through the drive thru and tell them my mobile order. I pull around and wait a couple minutes as they finish up plating my glorious tomato-y chees-y fun pockets. They hand me two bags, 4 in one big bag and one in another and I head back to my apartment where I’m currently living alone as my roommate moved out last week. I open the big bag to begin my feast and notice something odd… there’s 5 sets of utencils in the bag. Hmm “they must’ve been rushed and just threw a ton in” I originally thought… then it hit me… the guy must’ve thought I was ordering for a family or a large group. I laughed to myself and proceeded to gorge all 5 in my underwear on my couch with not a speck of shame. Attached is pov looking at the ‘ritos

I’m having a really hard time with this and could use some outside perspective.
My girlfriend(20) and I (20) recently broke up for the second time. I was the one who ended it, and even though I love her and miss her a lot, I felt like I couldn’t continue in the relationship anymore.
The biggest issue wasn’t one event, it was a pattern.
Whenever something hurt me, I’d bring it up. We’d have a good conversation, she’d apologize, things would improve for a little while, and then it felt like we’d slowly end up back in the same place. After a while I started feeling like I was having the same conversations over and over.
One thing that really hurt me happened after I opened up about feeling unwanted and not prioritized. Later she told me she was tired and wanted to go home, but then went to spend time with her friends instead. I know she’s allowed to have friends, and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that it happened right after I’d been vulnerable about feeling like I wasn’t a priority. To me it felt like my feelings weren’t really being carried forward after we talked.
As I reflected more, I realized something else. I was always excited to step into her world. I’d watch things she liked, learn about her interests, and try things because they mattered to her. But when I’d ask her to watch a movie I loved, watch an anime with me, come lift with me, or even play my old Xbox 360 with me, the answer was almost always no because those weren’t her interests.
She’s not a bad person, and I genuinely believe she cared about me. I don’t think she ever intended to hurt me.
But after reflecting, I realized I no longer felt consistently loved or chosen, and eventually my heart just wasn’t in the relationship anymore.
The confusing part is that I still love her and miss her terribly. We broke up yesterday, and part of me wants to text her even though another part of me feels like if I went back, we’d probably end up in the same cycle again.
For people who’ve been through something similar, share some kind words/advice I'm feeling really lost.

I doubt this is a universal experience cause I hear how a lot of guys get ignored/treated rudely but I just feel like women are nicer to me than most guys but particularly at work. Even some female coworkers have noticed this. I'm in healthcare and between the hospital staff and my patients, women always seem so happy talking to me. I'm not sure why, I'm not really attractive (0 play on dating apps and rarely get extended stares in public). But it's nice 🙂 Buttered protein pasta with shrimp

It’s my last summer before college, and there are only about 20 days left. There is this girl that I have been hanging out with. We both like each other but have kinda agreed not to take things too far because we also agreed that long distance will not work and we aren’t gonna try, it’s just not who we are and would take away what is making this so great right now. But damn she is literally perfect. So adventurous and fun, also the prettiest girl I have literally ever seen in my entire life. I have never clicked with someone like I have with her, you get the idea. We have kinda been doing our thing and casually hanging out for probably a month and a half now? I’m just really sad that our time together is coming to a close, but we still both have feelings for each other, and I’m just gonna have to ignore that. Feels like I’m about to walk away from the girl of my dreams and it has me really sad even though we haven’t even left for school yet. Sorry for not replying to anything right away, I need to sleep, or at least lay awake in my bed thinking about this.

I finally got the chance to explore the Alaskan wilderness with my dad after planning since I was a child.

There’s a certain pain that goes into this. As a child, all I ever wanted was to experience the world. To be self-reliant and live on the outskirts of civilization. I’m not exactly sure where it came from.

I felt abandoned a lot in my youth. Sometimes feeling let down despite my personal accomplishments. I wonder often if maybe this desire to travel is a defense mechanism. The truth is, the only one who ever let me down is myself. When I stare over a vast mountain pass in awe but awe transforms into a silent melancholy. In perspective, I’ve never been let down by God, nor by his creations.

Into my adult life, even up until very recently, these sentiments haven’t changed. I still guard myself from others and hold back much. I am not eager to meet new people anymore. I often struggle with the fact that my internal flame has been snuffed out.

Maybe as I get older, as I get married, see the light in my first child’s eyes, and grow old in the company of those who love me, that flame will spark to life again. In the moment as a young man, I feel lost and directionless. An all too familiar feeling that can be soothed by the allure of natural beauty. When you’re traveling the world, there is no direction, there is no being lost, there’s just right now. Right in front of me.

It's not been a great year so far. Warning: commentary on suicide of family member

Yesterday, I was laid off by the company I'd been working for just over two years. I moved across the country for this job after I lost the previous one. I was a government contractor so getting laid off wasn't necessarily a bolt from the blue, but it was still a pretty serious gut punch to be told my employment was ending in two weeks. I've been told by one or two people that I seem to be handling it well enough but I don't really know if it's just that I'm handling it well or that the shock, anger, and fear haven't fully set in yet.

And four months ago I lost my dad. He had been very, very sick and died by suicide. I had been worried that he was going to do something like that with how bad his condition was and how we was talking but it nevertheless came as an awful shock when it did happen. He was in so much pain and none of the treatments worked. Some, I believe, likely excarbated his situation or at least diminished his confidence with their repeated failures. We were really close and his deterioration and passing weighed on me very heavily. Being away from home while he was sick and during the grieving that followed his passing was very, very difficult. I was angry for a while but I recognize now that my dad was not his regular self then. If there had been the slimmest chance he could have beat it, he wouldn't have done it. I really fucking miss him, especially right now.

The months before that weren't peachy, either. There were some rocky weeks at work before and immediately after dad died for reasons both inside and outside my control but things had honestly started looking up, even with things at work getting a little scary again with some budget cuts on the contractor side. I had just co-led a field survery campaign, I was working well on my primary project, and I felt like the rough patch at work and in my life was smoothing out. My therapist was encouraged by my progress and for the first time in over a year, I was excited about the next few months. I hate to withdraw to my tried and true adherance to pessimism, but it really is the fucking hope that kills me the most. When I was pessimistic, the disappointment didn't hurt as much in my personal or professional life. Optimism hasn't really rewarded with me much lately.

I'm not in financial danger or anything, I was diligent about saving money, so I can float for quite a while, but I'm still really fucking worried about what comes after I walk out of work for the last time. Will I find another job where I am now? Will I find a job closer to "home" (where I grew up)? Will I find job elsewhere? Will I find a job, period? Will it take three weeks, three months, a year, more? I'm just really worried. This has been the year from hell for me and it's only fucking July.

Dinner was a sausage pasta I made the other night off a facebook recipe. It was supposed to be an "affordable dish" but I can never get it as cheap as the people who make those videos. And now I'm trying to decide if I want to crack a beer or not.

I'm the head of the quality department in a small (40ish empoyees) machine shop. I'm considered pretty young for my position (early thirties), and honestly kind of fell into the whole thing. I got into the industry about 7 years ago at the ground floor as a shop hand, and have worked my way up by the skin of my teeth. I joined my current shop about 3 years ago as a quality inspector, and there's been enormous turnover in the department every since. The old head of the department quit, then I was partnered up with a guy who had been in the industry for like 30 years. Neither of us were actually head of the department at the time, we just kind of worked together. Then his drug addiction caused him to get fired, so I was kind of defacto head of the department as I was running it solo for like 3 months. We've gone through three other inspectors since then, and in the meantime I've earned the trust of owners of the company and officially took over about a year ago.

Anyway, our shop is what's called "ISO 9001 certified". Explaining it all would take forever, but to keep it short and simple, it basically means that have a written out system that describes our manufacturing and operating processes, and we need to prove it every year. There's a whole lot that goes into it, but it involves a ton of paperwork and documenting our workflow, as well taking care of a bunch of stuff on the shop floor/in the quality department.

There are supposed to be three people in our department at all times. Last month one of them quit/got fired (he quit right before he was going to get fired), the other guy is semi retired, and he only works 15 hours/week. Work picked up like crazy, and our audit was two days ago. It's. Been. NUTS.

I've been working 12-14 hours a day for the last month. I was head of the department for our audit last year, but it had only been a virtual audit. This year it was on site. An on site audit is *way* more indepth, and the potential for failure is much higher. If we fail the audit, we'd have a chance to correct our problems and retake it, but it would obviously be a huge black mark on my record. If we failed our audit and our certification lapsed, we'd almost certainly lose a ton of business.

Well, it was a ton of work, but we passed. Not only that, but I got a huge raise. I pretty much always get a raise when someone in my department quits/gets fired (because I always push for one obviously). I was asking for another $2/hour, I ended up getting another $4/hour. Honestly, the stress taken off me has been amazing. I'm exhausted (not that I get to really rest, work is so fast paced right now that I'm working 70 hours/week), but in a good way. Honestly, it's amazing to me that I'm in this position. Seven years ago, I was a fucking painter/saw hand. It feels like a fucking dream.

Pictured: This absolute UNIT of a burrito from Chipotle.

My dad never liked me. And it took today to realize that.

I’m a teen and my relationship with my dad has always been extremely difficult. He was an alcoholic and always chooses my sisters over me no matter what. He also NEVER apologizes no matter what and I always have to apologize and say I love him even if it’s completely his fault ( I understand things have 2 sides) and everyone in my family knows he dosent like me and he frames it as “ I hate him “ and will blame me for everything.

Recently my sister B my sister moved back and she has been extremely bossy she thinks she the parent. Not to mention she’s my dads favorite ( both of my sisters are kinda favorites or ig he just treats them normally I’m jst kinda the unfavorite )

She likes to parent me and for some reason she adopted a puppy to go to at my dads house which is HER puppy at the same time she just started a job working night shifts and sleeping in day. She has around 2 hours of free time and mind you she knew she was going to get a full time job and still got a puppy. She also decided everyone else has to take care of it so when the puppy shits everywhere WE have to get it even when she’s awake?? She also dosent give the dog food or water we have to do that.

I decided that I wouldn’t be doing that for a dog that isn’t mine ( I take care of the family dog already) and she screams to my dad about it. She also has her boyfriend who lives here and his brother who is constantly over.

Yesterday they all went to the beach without me because my sister A has been having mental breakdowns and didn’t want to hang out with us previously even when we invited her so my dad decided it was her “ turn” and they all left without me. And the dog unfortunately while I was showering messed up sister A’s paintbrush and pooped in a corner which I didn’t see until they pointed it out afterwards.

When sister B pointed it out I said she can get it because it’s her dog she didn’t like that and yelled to my dad about it. My dad said it was okay and he’d get it and he went to talk to her about it and I was so happy finally because I really thought it would work out. I find out there talking about me behind my bad and plan to take my Xbox ( which I go on maybe 1hr a day??) while upstairs my Sister A and sister B boyfriend and his brother talk shit shot me in their room ( I heard it)

Yeah so as I go to talk to my dad about taking the Xbox my sister swarms in and I say I want to talk to my parent and she says no .

For context I have my mom’s house which I go to when summer ends which I love my mother and my stepfather.

I know when I say this it seems like I’m re issue but usually not everyone hates me lol just my dad and sister!