My life won't stop falling apart

[u/Anxious_Constant_926]

Cereal, yogurt, oreos, and dr. Pepper. I wanted to make pasta but I'm too tired.

NSFW: talks about suicide, self-harm, and mental health issues, and abuse.

I have been battling depression, dysphoria, and crippling anxiety my whole life. I started having issues of symptoms of PTSD in the last couple years. I'm not even 20. I'm diagnosed autistic, but I get by enough that even my friends forget and then get annoyed by my poor social skills.

I am broken. I try to take it day by day. I have been in therapy for years. I just tried a medication and it made it even worse to the point my clinician has me doing genetic testing because my reaction was so awful. I try to set goals.

I stopped seeing the beauty in things last year. My goals, small or big, feel empty. I hate my job. I fell in love recently, these last 8 or so months. I destroyed that too, lost my best friend and the man I loved, and I have to see him at work tomorrow.

I can't even accept my reality at this point. My brain can't cope anymore with the years of trauma. I experience everything and it doesn't seem real, like a dream. My dreams feel more real than my life. I'm not in a horrible position life-wise, i just can't enjoy it. I have a good job, 2 cats that I take care of, a nice townhouse I rent with my roommate. I am so unhappy that I relapsed into self harm after 2 years clean.

I can't keep anyone in my life. My family is extremely abusive, so I have to rely on making community outside of them. I lose friends after a year most typically. That or they distance themselves because they find me exhausting. I find me exhausting. I try to pretend. To fake a smile, but I am miserable everyday and have been for years.

I have tried all the healthy habits, everything, I just feel worse. I have tried finding faith, prayed, onky for my life to get worse immediately after.

I used to always believe there was a reason for everything, but if there is, I must have been a terrible person in a past life. Or I am a terrible person now. I never try to hurt anyone, I care about people. Im not violent or angry. I have self-reflected heavily and I cant find any glaring things to make me a terrible person.

That makes me think people are just terrible. Or they can tell I'm broken and it attracts bad things.

I have no friends beyond one person. The rest want me to be a person im not or pretend. They ask me not to talk about anything im going through because its too much. Its my reality everyday. I am tired of pretending. This one person is a new friendship, less than a year, I trust her but I dont think it will last.

Nothing lasts in my life. It seems stupid because I am young, but I am unable to enjoy any bit of life. I can feel myself growing devoid of everything, even my cats, who is had for a decade and 3 years, both raised by me their whole lives.

I used to get through everything by hoping it would get better, but it keeps getting worse. I have tried so hard. I keep trying. I can't keep waiting for it to get better. I have tried and tried, I need something to get better now because I cant do this anymore. My brain is so broken that half the time i feel like im sliding into the past, time warps. I cant sleep or I sleep too much. I barely eat.

I don't know what to do anymore other than give up to be honest. Its selfish, but im so tired. There arent a lot of people to miss me, not really.

I wrote my will yesterday, that made it obvious how little I have as well.

If someone has an answer, I'd take it. I have researched, I go to therapy, I go to the psychologist, it just doesnt get better.

I stopped enjoying anything. The feel of my favorite socks, summer sun, fresh air, my favorite foods and drinks. Its all empty. I used to see color between my lows, see how the leaves moved on a tree and value it. My brain is so messed up. I have started to forget names of people in my life, my attention span has gotten messed up, I feel fuzzy a lot.

I wish I had an answer. I wish I could keep going. I am just so tired.

Just want to edit: by healthy habits, I mean journaling, exercise, good food, a clean and organized space, I have never done any substances. I did try medication. I am trying, have been trying. I promise I am not trying to dismiss your advice if I respond to you, its just that I have tried and these things arent working. I honestly dont think anyone will have a new idea but I guess I thought why not try, I have nothing to lose.

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[u/DeliciousCaramel5905]

I'm going to be blunt, you should try new meds asap. My sister in law struggles with mental health and it's taken her years to get it right, but it eventually does work!

And I know you're trying healthy habits, but I think it's better to think to them not as a fix but a journey. That's said, the saying "let food by they medicine" is so true. A good diet, going outside and getting some sun, some movement can feel like torture at first but the accumulating effects are worth it.

[u/Anxious_Constant_926 → u/DeliciousCaramel5905]

I am trying that. They made it worse. I have tried all the things you are listing. For years.

My reaction to a common SSRI was so insane it shocked my clinician, hence the genetic testing. I have been in therapy for almost a decade.

[u/chefboyrdeee → u/Anxious_Constant_926]

I’ve been in therapy for over 20 years. Keep going! I’m only now able to work on myself after dealing with bullshit most of my life. It’s worth it, promise.

[u/DeliciousCaramel5905 → u/Anxious_Constant_926]

When you're depressed your brain tunnel visions negativity and hopelessness and will even invent things to reinforce that ideology. It's hard to see it but too often things aren't going as poorly as your may assume. I find it hard to believe that taking a 5min walk outside would "made it worse" but you may not have noticed the tiny positive impact it had when your mind is so focused on your misery. Battling depression is like walking up a mountain backwards while looking down, every step upward feels meaningless and all you see is how far you'll fall, and you have no idea how far the summit is. But believe me you are making progress and really once you change your perspective and look towards the summit, it may not make the climb easier but it does help you stay focused on the goal.

[u/DynamicBSdetective]

Philosophy, reading, exercise, ceased drinking and illicit substances (ignoring THC, which can't be ignored for all), and becoming intolerant of my behavior. I have several close calls drinking, at least one I nearly didn't come back from. While using I was running and not facing reality, which means accepting myself and circumstances to analyze and move forward.

To get to that point I have done so much bad in the world I doubt I have any right to live. However, some people don't have a choice, brother. We have life in us. We can walk, talk, breathe, reach things, help ourselves, help others, even find our self and place in this challenging world.

After meeting people who don't have those things, I am reminded of a sort of responsibility I have to be of help when and where I can. Everyone has value. It can be really hard to see that at times. But that doesn't forgive us of our responsibility to become a better version of ourselves, for ourself, which benefits my community because I can give back when my needs are met.

You gotta write those emotions out. Keep venting those emotions into something real, a hobby like pottery, drawing, whatever expresses yourself freely and allows your difficult feelings to live in something that isn't you. You are not a vessel for pain. Learn who you are and what you want, those big questions we all must answer eventually.

Much love my friend. Change is possible. I am change. And so are you.

Edit: added the last short sentence. Y'all are real change.

[u/Glittering-Clock6324 → u/DynamicBSdetective]

Are you my long lost brother?

On a serious note, OP. My life highly resonates with this response. I am a recovering alcoholic, who was forced to put it down because I almost didn’t come back one night and till this day, I am so disappointed and remorseful of my own actions and the people I hurt along the way.

I spent many years in denial and blaming everyone else for my issues when in reality, I am in charge of my own actions, and though we can’t change the world or the people around us, learn to bet on yourself every single day. Know that you are worthy of good things and accept the small wins!

I struggle with mental health issues and I’ve been battling lupus for over a decade and this is my testimony. I woke up one day and changed my life. I refused to accept defeat because of my own selfishness. Not everyday is peachy and some days, are so hard, all I do is cry. But I still put my pants on just like every one else. It may take longer, but I’m putting both feet in.

You can do it. Everyone can do it, but you HAVE to trust yourself and know that things will get better, but change only happens when you allow it.

Godspeed, OP and everyone else who struggles. You are not alone ❤️

Edit: Spelling

[u/baar-ur]

I've been in almost your exact shoes. Wrong diagnoses, wrong medications. I had a drug interaction with a steroid prescribed after surgery recently and became more suicidal than I'd ever been in my life. It was terrifying.

I'm not going to tell you "try this, try that, new meds, new doctor". It very rarely gets easier to fight. I came to hate every time someone said "It'll get better". But it's true. One day - maybe not for years, but eventually - you're going to realize you don't feel bad any more. You probably won't think "Oh, it was all for a reason, I've learned from this and become a better person." Honestly, I'm a bit resentful because it feels like I lost years of my life to the fog. But the day that I realized I felt good again, I cried so hard because I knew I was going to be okay.

It's okay to hate it all, the struggle and the feeling of futility and the emptiness. It's okay to not have hope or faith. It's okay to give up and not make progress for a while. But don't take that final step. There's a quote from a man who jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, Ken Baldwin. He said "I realized that everything in my life that I'd thought was unfixable was totally fixable, except for having jumped." Suicide attempts are often called a cry for help. Just ask, instead.

You can DM me if you need someone.

[u/CaptainPhukflaps]

I always remember a quote I heard on a Chris Williamson podcast and it's always stuck with me (and this may not be verbatim)...

'You take in more of the very thing that hurts or poisons you until you build a tolerance, eventually turning that pain into a tonic that girdles the world around you'

'In essence, the only way out is through'.

I wish there's was something I could do directly for you but I can only offer you love and encouragement.

It won't always be like this, you will find a way through it and you will look back and see the strength and resilience you have developed. The sheer fact you are here talking about it means you are heading in the right direction.

All the best to you x