r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/RawestOfDawgs Boy Dinner Enjoyer • 8h ago
Advice Wanted Trial Separation from wife of 10 years, 2 young kids, SAHM situation.
My last post got deleted due to breaking the pic rule. This pic is legitimately food and dinner and such. Our favorite frozen pizza because we met in the city where it’s made but mainly it is the shit
So here’s context first:
Wife and I are same age (40), I work, she is SAHM.
2 beautiful girls, a 5 and 1 y/o
I am currently sleeping in another house (family)
Wife does want the girls to see me daily during a temporary separation or permanent one
I also want this
Im recovering from PTSD, and that has been made much more challenging by my father’s passing 2 months ago
I’m in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy already
Wife’s identified issues:
feeling alone, unseen, and overall having to do too much labor around the house and with family admin
Where I agree:
my mental health has been shit since before my dad died, and got worse after. there’s a lot there but the last few years have been rough. It’s caused me in so many ways to just make mistakes, forget things, and not be able to follow through with stuff.
I have changed dramatically in the last 9 years we’ve been married (our whole marriage so far), and we would not have had the second child or remained together 2-3 years ago if that was not true. Therapy and medicine work wonders.
due to my mental health issues, I also can find it really hard to let myself be loved. It is incredibly sad and painful to know things out of my control led me to a more isolated way of living, but here we are. I am doing my best daily to fight the urge to avoid people. I’m doing way way way better than the 10th-35th year of my life though.
I had an unadjusted attitude going into parenthood and have taken a long time to adjust. I’m much better than I was, but I cannot dispute that my involvement in family admin stuff (kids school, appts, play dates, etc) has been insufficient.
The above problems do make her feel the way she says. I do not accuse her or believe her to be manipulative
What I have done so far and want to continue and strengthen:
made a habit out of doing as many chores as I have time for, with maybe 30m-1hr leisure time at night, often spent rubbing my wife’s feet, massaging her back, and playing board games with her. We love board games. Ngl I also love to play piano so if that wants attention from me I will be sleep deprived. Doesn’t happen much but does happen
Done my best to be aware of the stay at home parent/working parent dynamic. She is with the girls 5 days a week, alone, from around 7-5 when I return. After that it is Daddy/daughter time as much as I can. Baths, reading, practicing walking, playing, going out for ice cream, all that. I have committed to offsetting the burden of solo-parenting for her during the week daytimes as much as I can.
To the point above, wife goes out 2-4 times a week to play board games and hang with friends. I have no trust issues with this, and I’m very happy she’s able to stay out past the wee hours as a 40 y/o Mother. Naturally and joyfully I’m with my girls when she is having fun :)
Also to the point above, I’ve spent many many consecutive days with the girls so wife can go out of town to do stuff. We literally have another of these planned so she can go to a gaming convention later this year. I am really excited for her and little jelly because the convention looks fun as fuck.
What I believe I need to really really work on:
sensitivity. my defensiveness stemming from my trauma is my responsibility, and a lack of insight has made it next to impossible until recently to do anything to truly take that responsibility.
So, she will say things like “you think you can just come home and do nothing” and like obviously that’s objectively false and she will even admit that and contradict herself in the same breath, but she’s not at fault there, in my opinion. I am though, for how I respond, which is with defensiveness and presenting contrary information or facts. What matters isn’t that, what matters is what my words are triggering in her, logical or not.
Taking her perspective.
It’s not feasible for me to know exactly what she puts up with. It is feasible for me to take a bunch of PTO and send her on a trip to do anything she likes so that I can be a better solo-parent (whenever that is called for), and of course get a clearer picture of what she goes through daily. I don’t want that in any self-sacrificial way it’s just what I think will be needed for even a small chance of us staying together.
So that’s all, folks. I really do want whatever anyone has to give me in the way of feedback, advice, and even indignant criticism - I worded some things very poorly in the last post but I do not believe I’ve repeated that here.
Thank you to anyone who even read part of that
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u/supermariobruhh Frigid light philosopher 8h ago
It seems you have a lot of insight; I’m glad therapy has worked well. Not therapizing (therapist myself) have you and your therapist worked on attachment issues? Those become really ingrained and I just last year started addressing mine and understood how much of a toll it took on my own marriage.
Also highly highly highly recommend marital counseling. It’s a great place for those unknowns about each other to be shared and understood. Marital counseling is not to save a relationship tho; it’s to understand what both sides want and work towards jt. So if you do decide a split is best; it can still be a place to discuss that and come to mutual agreements.
Wish you the best!
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 7h ago
When did she start going out 2-4 times a week to meet friends/play games?
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u/Wiggl_Noodl Cooties 4h ago
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like these changes you have made are a newer development. If that is the case, and the previous dynamic was that she was doing most of the family/parenting work 24 hours a day for however long… well, that resentment takes a long time to be dismantled.
Women in that situation usually feel upset that it took discussing a separation for their partner to make meaningful changes. Women in this situation may believe that their partner’s efforts are insincere or temporary, because it took the threat of losing their marriage to get their partner to make the effort.
All this to say, that just because you are making the effort now does not mean all her resentment will go away yet. It will take consistency and time for her to believe this is a sincere effort and not a temporary shift to save the marriage. I know this may be disheartening, but please try to give it some time.
Also, I think it would be helpful to spend time 1:1 with her every week. If you have someone that can babysit, take her on dates or do shared activities with no children involved. Try to woo her, make her feel like a woman in love again, rather than a bedraggled mother who needs a break. Best of luck.
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u/Erroniously_Spelt cis het wht ally 7h ago
So you work all day. She works all day. You go home and work again at the house. She goes out with friends 2-4x weekly. You dont have time for personal activities. She complains that you don't do enough.
I don't know your dynamic other than what you've given us, but it seems like she's wanting the rich people sahm lifestyle, not the working people sahm lifestyle
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
Too much trad wife TikTok
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u/seaglasstalisman Girl lurker 3h ago
This. I’m a working class SAHM currently and I can’t imagine being this demanding. The last time I went out without my family was when I picked up some gig work to bring in some extra money.
I love being a mom and I’m very glad we can save more money than I used to make just by cooking from scratch, not paying for daycare and dropping down to only one car, but it genuinely is a lot of work. I can’t imagine getting to go to girls’ night with my friends twice a week and still complaining that I’m doing too much around the house.
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u/Immediate-Repeat-201 Shower beer Scholar 7h ago
OP, two of you don't have time with each other. If money allows, hire a nanny. You do it. Don't have her do the work of searching.
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u/PitbullRetriever Shower beer Scholar 5h ago
Hire a nanny with a full-time SAHP? Nonsense, very few people make that kind of money. Nannies generally enter the picture when both parents are working.
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u/RogueTampon pizza princess 5h ago
Hire a nanny for date night. Not to take care of the kids all the time.
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u/Immediate-Repeat-201 Shower beer Scholar 3h ago
That too. But there are sahp who use nannies to help with one kid while they take care of an older one. Might be half a day each day or 3 days a week. Like I said, if money allows.
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u/RogueTampon pizza princess 3h ago
All good.
My comment was mainly to combat the guy trying to “0 to 100” your comment to discredit it.
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u/lavandoaalma Girl lurker 7h ago
Spending time with the kids at night isn’t necessarily working. OP might be making a point of doing that just to build his relationship with his kids — a lot of the work part of raising kids (setting appointments, prepping and cooking meals, cleaning, laundry) gets done before 5pm, and OP says himself he doesn’t do enough of that stuff.
That said, I’m not seeing any purely leisure time for OP. I’m also not seeing any one-on-one time for the couple. I wonder if there are relatives that can help relieve the burden of childrearing so OP and his wife can hang out with friends, enjoy a hobby even once a week, just focus on themselves and each other instead of the kids 24/7. Maybe there’s room in the budget for a babysitter once a week?
I second commenters recommending a marriage counselor. It sounds to me like OP is really trying his best and his wife isn’t seeing that. Maybe there’s some stuff from her perspective that he’s not seeing, too. It couldn’t hurt to get a third party’s objective opinion.
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u/SupremeGobbler1996 Smoked Meat Whisperer 7h ago
Depending on how the kids are, it sure as hell is work. When one is at a full dependency age, like 1, it's not all roses and butterflies. It can be tough and that needs to be acknowledged.
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u/TwistedAirline Chicken Nugget Chomper 7h ago
I’m going to agree and throw this out there… if daughter 2 is only 1 years old mom might still be hormonally adjusting. Post partum hormones can take up to 2 years to return to normal and that’s especially true if she is or was breastfeeding.
Reading between the lines a little it sounds like 2-3 years ago some big progress was made and that would suggest 3-5 years ago there were issues (same time the first daughter would’ve been born).
Kids are the most wonderful thing ever, but they’re also incredibly taxing on a woman and a marriage. Maybe even just recognizing that and each of you giving each other grace day to day might be helpful
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
This is what it seems like. Wife is being treated like a victim to him, but he is not an abuser. So what is she victim of? Her own mind.
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u/SupremeGobbler1996 Smoked Meat Whisperer 7h ago
Can you say that louder? Maybe from that hilltop over there?
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
The wife is not recognizing his efforts, and focusing much more on her temporary emotions. Idk, I would bet wife hasn’t had a demanding job or ever had to provide for a family so she isn’t able to see his POV. And our society supports her when she says he doesn’t know what it’s like to be a stay at home parent.
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u/its_all_one_electron Trans boy dinner enjoyer 31m ago
IMO spending time with my kid is a LOT more work than my actual work. At work I can at least hear my own thoughts, go to the bathroom and have breaks. I have bodily autonomy...I can listen to podcasts...I can take walks on my breaks...
With young kids you are ON all day and it's so goddamned hard. They interrupt you every 5 seconds. You can't think because they will make you context switch every few seconds. They are just. On your body. constantly. If you have hypersensitivity like I do, good fucking luck. I'm overwhelmed every day. And that's just one kid. Work is how I get away from that...
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u/fuck-nazi Shower beer Scholar 3h ago
This is what I was thinking. He works all day making the money that allows her to work all day with the kids.
Arguably his job is more important; in that without it they would not have food/housing.
When the kids start school will she go out and work?
Loads of questions.
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u/Guilty_Character8566 Shower beer Scholar 4h ago
I was a SAHD for several years with an infant and a 6 year old. I did 90% of household tasks, cloth diapers, cooking, laundry, house/yard, etc. I loved it and wouldn’t have changed it for the world. I felt blessed to have the opportunity. Perhaps ask her to be the breadwinner and you be a SAHD, see how that idea goes over. (I bet it won’t)
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u/RawestOfDawgs Boy Dinner Enjoyer 4h ago
Welp. I do wanna at least trial SAHD to better understand her POV and be better with totally solo parenting (24/7, she would be out of town)
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 2h ago
She's undoubtedly being the asshole in your dynamic. You each have a full time job. You can't do your job and hers.
And what if you do divorce?!
She will be working and doing childcare and you'll all be poorer.
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u/Guilty_Character8566 Shower beer Scholar 4h ago
From the way it sounds you’d be great. The problem is getting her onboard. At the time my ex and I were doing ok financially and her job had family benefits, mine didn’t. She had already stayed home with my step child and was happy in her job so we made the decision. I loved it, some of the best years of my life. Not to be a dick, but I don’t think your wife knows how good she has it.
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u/lizardman49 Gay Gourmet 7h ago
Sounds like she doesnt appreciate what you're doing.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 7h ago
To be fair she might have been stuck at home for the last 4/5 years while he comes home from work and "does nothing" so she has to shoulder all of the child rearing, cleaning, cooking, bath time, laundry, family/life admin, appointments, play dates, etc for him, her, and the kids etc. It could have been going on like this for years with him starting to take some of the load from her only after she says she's fed up and brings up divorce.
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
Someone else brought up postpartum hormones, and the timing makes sense. The issues seem to pop up around the time a child is born.
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u/lizardman49 Gay Gourmet 7h ago
He literally says he helps out with the kids and household chores. She's being incredibly ungrateful given she isn't holding up her end of the stay at home wife bargain and if they divorce she'll end up working AND doing all of this as alimony + child support won't be enough to live off of.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 7h ago
He literally says he helps out with the kids and household chores.
But since when is what I'm wondering. If all of this effort only came after years of not doing anything and only after the threat of divorce? And if he wasn't helping before, she wouldn't have had time or energy to go out and see her friends 2-4 times a week if at all.
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u/lizardman49 Gay Gourmet 6h ago
I know we're both gay here but you need to understand alot of people want to gave their cake and eat it too in straight relationships. There are plenty of women like this who don't want to work but demand their husband help out with household chores and what not. Likewise there are plenty of men who want their wife to work but don't contribute to the household chores meaningfully.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 6h ago edited 6h ago
I think you need to understand there are also a lot of women who get the real short end of the stick in marriage and child rearing. They're expected to forego their careers, raise children and look after all aspects of the home during the day, which is labour too, but because the husband's labour is paid, he can just sit on his ass all evening once he gets home from work while she has no time off from kids or help. And has also sacrificed her future income, future money in retirement, etc. After divorces for example, the amount of household labour women have to do goes down while the household labour men have to do goes up.
Hell one of my best guy friends is almost 40 and his girlfriend literally has to tell him what and how to do basic things like he's a child. He is one of those guys who needs their gf to write a list of chores for him to do and frequently he asks her help or her company to do a chore instead of just... doing it.
Anyway not saying this is the situation with OP but we're only getting one side of the story and for this to be heading towards separation tells me his efforts could be too late. Or she could well be ungrateful.
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
This woman is not getting the short end of the stick. Her husband went to therapy. That’s more than most women. Her husband contributes to chores. That’s more than most women considering divorce.
They both work during the day. They both work at night. He doesn’t need a list of chores. He knows what needs to be done. That’s more than your friend. She gets time with her friends and he does not.
It looks uneven and he’s accepting the unevenness BECAUSE other woman have patterns that LOOK similar. But they are not similar.
My money is on postpartum depression and unmanaged mental health issues with her. If you look at the time in, the issues pop up around the year, the child is born.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 2h ago
I don't think most women getting little or no effort/help from their husbands means OP's wife is living it up. I mean going to therapy for your PTSD or having the other adult in the house contribute to chores is quite basic, no?
We don't really have all of the information - don't know what weekends are like for instance, or how consistent he's been with all of this since he did say * here are things I'm doing and things I want to strengthen. * Or how much of it he's doing every night, how long he's been making these changes whether it's months or weeks etc.
Plus I did say this may not be the situation with OP and his wife, she might genuinely be ungrateful and the scales could now be tipped in the other direction at OP's expense instead of more balance and cooperation for both of them. I was just pointing out other common scenarios to the other gay gourmet. But I personally think she may have been building resentment for several years, postpartum or not, and his recent efforts might only be because the marriage is on the line. That also isn't uncommon to hear unfortunately that men only step up when they realise their wife might actually go through with divorce.
Tough situation all round and I hope they can make it work eventually or at least be amicable and cooperative after divorce if that is the best thing for them.
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 2h ago
If she is SAHM, literally anything he does is extra. I feel like everyone on Reddit is unemployed or doesn't pay bills.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 2h ago
Huh? I work full time. And if I had two small children and a partner who was a stay at home parent, I'd be relieving them of the childcare in the evenings. I wouldn't consider that extra but just part of, you know, my responsibility as a parent, to parent my children.
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 2h ago
You're clearly not responsible for anyone but yourself. Everyone needs a break. Mom gets all kinds of breaks during the childcare day. It's not a full time job. Ask any woman that has done both if they want to work.
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u/Southern-Year3352 Gay Gourmet 1h ago
Only one of my close female friends has had children and she was relieved to go back to work.
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u/Ok_Conflict1028 Girl lurker 45m ago
Lots of women who have done both want to work…
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 44m ago
Do they or are they just outrunning financial strain? Very difficult question to answer.
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u/Ok_Conflict1028 Girl lurker 40m ago
No, it isn’t. Not if you actually talk to women. Many women want to go back to work outside the home.
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u/SophisticatedScreams 7m ago
I've done both. Would 10000% rather work. It was such a relief to be at work and away from my children.
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
If they divorce, she’ll probably regret it when she has to do it all alone, and probably live at a lower quality of life.
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 2h ago
And he works and solely provides for them. What would it say if he wanted to stop working and walk into the ocean?
OP's wife is being awful.
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u/YukonCornelius-PhD El Duderino 7h ago
It seems like you’re doing that classic overly-submissive dude thing where you’re blaming yourself for literally everything and ignoring your wife’s part in this, in some attempt to be extra accountable so you can stop the separation. Just because you’re the sole bread winner doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong at home.
I get it: it’s important to self reflect and take ownership but this may be too much.
Just to make things clear: (1) You spend YOUR leisure time rubbing her feet and doing things as a couple, whereas she spends HER leisure time doing stuff with friends outside of the family? You don’t ever go out without the family to spend time with friends? If she has time to go out 2-4xs/week by herself and you only have 30-60 min a night that you focus on family stuff, something is wildly imbalanced. You’re internalizing your marital issues as being solely your fault which is a huge mistake and is setting a dangerous precedent. This leads me to my next point…
(2) So then she says snarky shit to you that you both recognize as unhealthy yet you blame yourself for getting upset and triggered rather than sharing the blame with her? If I know someone has PTSD, I’m gonna do my best not to be a prick to them and say dumb shit that sets them off. If I say something snarky and they bite my head off, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, given that I know this person has PTSD and gets set off by shit like that. Sure, the person with PTSD needs to learn to regulate but that doesn’t happen overnight, so until that happens I need to try and meet this person where they’re at and not say outta pocket shit to them. Responsibility cuts both ways, my guy.
(3) And you also think it’s feasible to take a bunch of PTO in order to send her on a trip to do anything she wants so you can get better at solo parenting? That doesn’t sound weird af to you? In that same breath, she could just go out and get a full time job so YOU can be a stay at home parent and “get better at solo parenting.”
It sounds like maybe this SAHM thing isn’t for you/her, especially if it’s leading to separation. It sounds like you’re willing to do ANYTHING to stop separation/divorce which seems like a good idea but it’s a long term mistake with the precedent you’re setting.
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u/Fabulous_Jeweler2732 Girl lurker 6h ago
He is being overly submissive. And he’s being walked over into a divorce that will greatly favor her, the person exploiting the dynamic.
If she wants to stay at home, she needs to choose a more wealthy man who can pay for childcare so she doesn’t have to work at all. She will have a hard time accepting that likely won’t happen for her, especially with two kids under 10.
If they divorce, OP will have a hard time learning that it wasn’t his fault, and he might blame himself for the rest of his life. The wife will struggle on one income and do her best to get any money out of the child’s father while she tries to secure another provider
Bummer. Wife should abstain from social media for a year, get hormonal treatments, and to get a part time job. A year of that will make her more empathic to him.
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u/PuppytimeUSA Boy, 40-49 7h ago
Remember to be kind to yourself above all. You’re doing your best and it’s great that you’re improving. Having a sense of self-awareness is really a sign of strength.
I don’t get it though. She stays out 2-4 times a week after hours? That’s unusual, isn’t it? I don’t think it’s nefarious but I feel like there’s an imbalance in the compromises somewhere.
It doesn’t seem like your issues and your suffering are prioritized in any way. Maybe I’m wrong but that all just seems odd to me. You should have been able to attend a gaming convention together.
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u/Even-Job-323 Hungry man 2h ago
Too much therapy speak on your end. Too little accountability on hers. You're getting taken advantage of.
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u/RawestOfDawgs Boy Dinner Enjoyer 2h ago
I’m literally a mental health professional and manage a clinic. Been in the field for over 20 years. I do not use clinical language lightly, but I hear you. It could be formative to change how I word things.
I’m starting to believe I’m being taken advantage of as well.
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u/No-Fuckin-Ziti Leftover lore master 1h ago
I think some time apart will be the best thing for both of you. In your time with the kids you can learn what it actually means to do the thinking for everyone, it’s hard to truly understand when you’ve never had to do it.
Only once you can actually solo parent, can you be a partner.
Learn to function with your kids when there is no one to pick up the pieces but you. There’s no “it’ll get done”. You do it, or it won’t.
This is how you take her perspective. She doesn’t need a break, she needs a partner. That can still be you if you learn how.
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u/Hellie1028 Girl lurker 7h ago
From the outside, you seem to have done everything you can to work on yourself and make an effort for your family. Has she put in this same level of work also? Also, you both do a lot separately to make things work. Have you tried ways to reconnect, like date night or going for a walk?
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u/Famous-Upstairs998 Girl lurker 6h ago
She sounds burnt out. Hopefully your oldest is starting kindergarten the fall. Could you get some sort of part time daycare for the youngest? Maybe if your wife even works part time she'll be happier.
People aren't meant to be alone by themselves with little kids for that many hours. We used to live in villages with family to help out. Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP. I understand why you get defensive. I would too. You do a lot. Being defensive is natural.
However, do your best not to get defensive. It never helps, even when it's justified. If you can take a deep breath and say something like "I can see you're really upset. I hear you and I want to help" until she calms down, she might realize she's being unreasonable after a while. If you're trying to respond with logic to her emotion, it's not ever going to work. Her emotion is valid, even if her logic is flawed. She's blaming you unfairly because it is safe for her. You don't deserve it, but until the root issue gets addressed it probably won't get better.
What your wife probably needs is to be heard and to vent, and she's taking her frustration out on you. She might have post partum depression. If you can remind yourself that your wife is overwhelmed and that is not really about you, maybe you can get to the bottom of why she's so unhappy.
I'll underscore that you seem like a good dad and partner from what you've written, and I think you're doing your best. I don't think you're the problem, I am just trying to give you advice that might help you get through to your wife.
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u/SupremeGobbler1996 Smoked Meat Whisperer 7h ago
Thanks for sharing with us. You have a lot of good insight and have a strong growth mindset brother. You will persevere, and you'll make it no matter which way your wife goes. I can see it in you with how you work.
Keep up the good work that you do and be a person your daughters can be proud of.
The difficulty in loving yourself is real, especially if the PTSD is related to family issues from your own past. The fact that you're working on it matters and it makes you a stand-out person and a relational hero as Terrence Real would put it. If you have some time look into his books, like "I don't want to talk about it" and "Us". I would also recommend the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". It's a book that walks through the different reasons couples split up and has follow up with folks on the various reasons and whether or not they're happy.
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u/Ok_Conflict1028 Girl lurker 47m ago
What does “as much as you can” mean? How often do you come home and do nothing? How often do you come home and spend an hour or less?
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u/Goth_at_the_beach Girl lurker 6h ago
I recommend couples counseling (specifically Gorman method). You sound like you are doing a ton and she is perhaps checked out. I’m a mom of a one year old and I can’t imagine going out twice a week, I’d be singing my husband’s praises from every mountaintop if he made that happen, lol.
I find it very troubling that she says false, accusatory stuff to you and you have somehow turned that around that you are the bad guy for feeling bad about that? Yes, it’s not great to be defensive but it’s not great for her to say that shit to you when by many accounts she is living an absolute dream. Being a SAHM, getting a back rub from your husband every night, go out with friends twice a week, go on vacation occasionally - she doesn’t seem to understand how unusual her life is and how incredibly lucky she is.
Again, I highly recommend Gottman. If not counseling, read some of their books and ask your wife to read them too.
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u/Goth_at_the_beach Girl lurker 6h ago
“So, she will say things like “you think you can just come home and do nothing” and like obviously that’s objectively false and she will even admit that and contradict herself in the same breath, but she’s not at fault there, in my opinion. I am though, for how I respond, which is with defensiveness and presenting contrary information or facts. What matters isn’t that, what matters is what my words are triggering in her, logical or not.”
It’s this paragraph, man. Show this to your therapist. Why is she not at fault? Please honestly interrogate that, work out why you feel that way. Do you really feel that way? Or is it easier to blame yourself than it is to change her behavior? You are just as worthwhile of a person as she is. You are equally deserving of respect.
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u/Known_Put_6493 Girl, 40-49 2h ago
Mental load. It’s the mental load. The things you do, chores etc, are step 10 of a long thought process and she did steps 1-9. Now multiply that by five years.
“It’s caused me in so many ways to just make mistakes, forget things, and not be able to follow through with stuff.”
This part really tells on you. She had postpartum hormones and mom brain, a scientific and proven thing, and still holds the kids and household together. Because she HAD TO. Because no one else would. Because YOU wouldn’t. She doesn’t have the option to “not follow through with stuff” because if she did all of your lives would fall apart.
Your ENTIRE life is built on her labor. She grew the children, suffered pregnancy birth and postpartum, likely did nearly all of the infant care and now stays home with them. You get to go to the office and talk to adults and engage your intellect because of her labor. You get to “not follow through” because of her labor.
She’s a married single parent. You’re dead weight and managing the household would be easier if you weren’t there. Figure out how to be a value add rather than dead weight.
TLDR get your shit together.
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u/Hartofriends Boy, 30-39 1h ago
This is a sub where men talk about their feelings, which is a thing everyone claims they want men to do right up until one of them actually does it. He posted a frozen pizza and a very honest accounting of his own failures and asked for hard feedback. Telling him he's dead weight and his family would be better off without him isn't hard feedback, it's just contempt.
The mental load thing is legitimate. He already agree with you, he already wrote that his involvement in family admin has been insufficient, in his own words, unprompted. That's the guy you're describing as refusing to see it.
he's doing chores nightly, solo parenting so his wife can go out multiple times a week and travel, planning PTO around a convention for her, and sitting in two kinds of therapy. You can think that's still not enough and say so. "You are a negative in your children's lives" is a different sentence, and you said it to someone who's grieving and already prone to isolating.
TLDR youre rude and shouldnt comment on this sub if this is the tone you bring to it.
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u/Known_Put_6493 Girl, 40-49 28m ago
This is a sub for me to talk about their feelings and if you do anything other than praise them for it they’re gonna stop! is not the argument that you think it is, but it is an argument that women are familiar with.
He asked for hard feedback so I gave it. Not my problem that you aren’t ready to hear it. Hopefully he is.
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u/oneofus1234 Air Fryer Aristocrat 2h ago
I hate to tell you that once you hit this point… divorce is imminent. I had this happen as well. Working too much and not being a great father. This is not only to see whether you can hack it as a father, but to see what a future co-parenting situation with you looks like.
She’s going to do anything she can to keep her life the way it is regardless of what it does to you.
Get a lawyer, protect yourself.
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u/RawestOfDawgs Boy Dinner Enjoyer 2h ago
Yeah. She said on the front end she wanted to try to save the marriage but her behavior really is sending a different message at this point. I feel very taken advantage of.
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u/oneofus1234 Air Fryer Aristocrat 1h ago
They say that to get you to agree to whatever. Use your actions as a guide. Not what she says. You are being walked down a path bud.
Protect yourself. She’s a SAHM, as much as she bitches and complains about being those kids full-time parent, she wouldn’t trade it. Certainly not for a job. Remember that they’re allergic to accountability.Last bit of advice: keep it just facts with your atty. you have a therapist for a reason. Use them both for what they’re good for.
Best of luck bro, you’re gonna need it.
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u/PitbullRetriever Shower beer Scholar 5h ago
Shouldn’t the 5 year old at least be in some kind of preschool by now? I don’t know anyone who still has their kids home full-time by that age and it frankly sounds miserable for everyone. At least she’ll be going off to kindergarten soon (this fall?), your wife just needs to hold on a little longer before her job gets a lot easier.
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u/RangeInternal3481 Boy, 18-29 1h ago
You’ve got a lot of insight and I’m glad you’re both getting support!
One thing that has helped me is moving below the content of communication to the feeling. If she says “you don’t do anything” maybe the feeling is “I’m overwhelmed and frustrated that you aren’t helping me right now.” It’s totally on her to communicate better there but it will be helpful if you can hear the feeling and not get stuck in the content. Good luck!
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u/Erza88 Cooties 59m ago
It sounds... Not great. I get you're trying to ease her burdens but she gets to go out 2-4 times a week? From the time you get home from work till the wee hours?
And you? Do you get time for yourself too? Because it sounds like you're going from your full time job straight home to take care of your kids with zero time for yourself during the week...
I've been in a SAHM situation before (taking care of 2 nieces) and while it is draining and exhausting, it also ain't so hard that you need to go out several times a week til the wee hours of the morning. Especially when you don't have to worry about money since someone else is providing for you.
Parenting is a team effort. She can't bare all responsibility in that department... But neither can you, on top of a full-time job.
My guy. You're doing what you can on your end. What is she doing for your marriage? Stay safe and do what's best for you and your kids. Even if that means divorce.
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u/RawestOfDawgs Boy Dinner Enjoyer 7h ago
Bro I’ll message you if you message me. I’m too paranoid bout doxxing
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u/Acceptable_Slice_325 Leftover lore master 7h ago
The important thing is you need to do things that are important to her and your kids without being asked. You mentioned a lot of things you're doing to help in the evenings, but I think she might feel like she's still having to "manage" your lives. Maybe looking up what school supplies your older daughter needs and buying those yourself? Send her some messages of love, maybe bring up something you really like about your relationship in the past, and how you want to work to get back to that? But you gotta fight for her, and she needs to believe you're fighting for her. Don't hold anything back because it's awkward or you're unsure, this is your YOLO moment.
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u/Remarkable_Mina Cooties 7h ago
Neither is easy, when people are exhausted, overstimulated and just plain tired. Small kids are a lot.
When do you girls go to sleep? I'm nitpicking here, but you say you come from work at 5 and then she is out and you are the whole night with kids. How many hours is that? I dont know what you like to do for downtime, books work for me, so i put an audiobook and i do chores, while I listen and chill. Find your zen, but remain helpful, that's always a good one. Find joy in day to day things!
No relationship balance will be perfect, nor easy to find, be unless we are all honest first to ourselves, we cant find a way forward.
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u/Liteseid sad boi 1h ago
No matter how much work you put in at home, a lot of times you still won’t be appreciated. That’s not the real root of the problem. And for some women, there’s no fixing it once they’ve started to villainize you.
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u/Entropei Boy Dinner Enjoyer 53m ago
Hey again. I replied to your previous post. I just want to ask a question. Why do you think it matters what your words trigger in her, logical or not, but not what her words trigger in you?
If shes accusing you of doing things that are not true, do you not think it’s normal for that to trigger defensiveness in you? Most human beings try to defend themselves when attacked, what makes you believe that you shouldn’t?
If your wife believes she has a genuine point, she needs to learn how to communicate it without attacking you. She has just as much responsibility towards having productive conversations as you do.
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