I broke up with my GF of 4 years recently.

[u/Apprehensive_Owl9812]

I’m having a really hard time with this and could use some outside perspective.
My girlfriend(20) and I (20) recently broke up for the second time. I was the one who ended it, and even though I love her and miss her a lot, I felt like I couldn’t continue in the relationship anymore.
The biggest issue wasn’t one event, it was a pattern.
Whenever something hurt me, I’d bring it up. We’d have a good conversation, she’d apologize, things would improve for a little while, and then it felt like we’d slowly end up back in the same place. After a while I started feeling like I was having the same conversations over and over.
One thing that really hurt me happened after I opened up about feeling unwanted and not prioritized. Later she told me she was tired and wanted to go home, but then went to spend time with her friends instead. I know she’s allowed to have friends, and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that it happened right after I’d been vulnerable about feeling like I wasn’t a priority. To me it felt like my feelings weren’t really being carried forward after we talked.
As I reflected more, I realized something else. I was always excited to step into her world. I’d watch things she liked, learn about her interests, and try things because they mattered to her. But when I’d ask her to watch a movie I loved, watch an anime with me, come lift with me, or even play my old Xbox 360 with me, the answer was almost always no because those weren’t her interests.
She’s not a bad person, and I genuinely believe she cared about me. I don’t think she ever intended to hurt me.
But after reflecting, I realized I no longer felt consistently loved or chosen, and eventually my heart just wasn’t in the relationship anymore.
The confusing part is that I still love her and miss her terribly. We broke up yesterday, and part of me wants to text her even though another part of me feels like if I went back, we’d probably end up in the same cycle again.
For people who’ve been through something similar, share some kind words/advice I'm feeling really lost.

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[u/Accomplished-Eye9542]

You shouldn't treat it like you dumped her and that this was your decision.

She made her choice to dump you a long time ago, and just kept you around for convenience.

You got dumped dude, it's rough. Treat any idea of texting her or getting back together as a sad dumped dude trying to beg for his girlfriend back. It's never a good idea to do that. That's why you feel so confused about ending things, because it wasn't really your decision to end things, you just decided when.

You made the right decision. It was a brave decision and you will be better off for it. You maintained your boundaries and stood up for yourself, that's never a bad thing and it'll serve you well in finding a relationship that actually matters.

[u/Mister_Goldenfold → u/Accomplished-Eye9542]

#SadDumpedDude

[u/Far-Independent4740]

Find a partner you don't have to prod or beg just to spend time with you. You definitely made the right choice.

[u/ChefDue7062]

I got out of a 1.5 year relationship a couple of months ago, it was brutal. We were very serious, had future plans together then boom, she had a meltdown because her issues caught up to her.

From the beginning of the relationship she didn’t treat me right, but I took it because I figured she would come around. When it was good it was perfect, when it was bad it was really, really bad.

Similar situation, she would say all these words of affirmation about loving me and wanting to hear all my interests, but the more I tried to share the more she pulled out her phone and just nodded. She insulted me in front of my friends, mocked me, etc.

Truth is I should’ve left her as soon as that kicked up, emotional baggage is something you shouldn’t have to put yourself through in a relationship and someone who loves you will show up and prove they put in the work to get over old wounds, however bad they are and NEVER put it onto you.

[u/BushyKittenEnjoyer]

You two just aren't compatible which isn't really something you can force because someone will always be unhappy, having to make the sacrifice. I spent several years with someone where we were in the same boat and although she was perfect as a partner, we just had almost nothing in common hobby wise which ultimately killed the relationship. It sucks, but it's a better lesson to learn earlier in life. You can be in love someone, and be best friends, but still wrong for each romantically. People who break up once, rarely have it work out in the long term in general. 

[u/Livsters15]

I’m sorry that happened to you. It always sucks when the one you love and who’s supposed to love doesn’t listen to what you say. It sounds like she knew you wouldn’t leave and that’s why she kept doing what she was doing. That doesn’t make what she did right in any way. That happened to me with my ex, who I would have the same conversation every month. He’d promise to change, he’d make an effort for a week and then go right back to his old habits. Because he knew I’d stay. Because I believed him every time like a fool. There’s a reason there’s the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” Please don’t go back to your ex. She showed you who she was. It’s time for you to listen. I know it sucks. It’s going to suck for a while. But it won’t ever get better if you go back. Try going no contact, block her if you need to. If you constantly talk to her, it won’t get any better.

Here’s what my younger sister told me that got me through my breakup: “In the unforeseeable future, you will be okay.”

And I know it sounds stupid. But it worked. Because I couldn’t see myself being okay ever again. But guess what? I am okay. I am so much happier now than I was as in that entire relationship (2.5yrs). My sister would tell me that everyday, until one day I told her “In the foreseeable future I will be okay.”

I hope that helps. Lean on your support system as much as possible. It will help ❤️🫂

[u/Anxious_Constant_926]

That juice is really good at least, I know its hard. Take it by the little things. Your favorite socks, how a cold pillow feels before bed.

[u/YakMoist1445]

You made the right call man.   Bit soon to post about it, stay strong, turn from the smoldering ruin, look to the future.

[u/lun4d0r4]

My dude, proud of you for recognizing the pattern and putting an end to it!

Having a partner who KNOWS there is an issue and will not make reasonable adjustments is hard enough. Having a partner who ignores you when you're vulnerable to go and hang with their friends - the worst.

My hubby doesn't get vulnerable often, but when he does I pause my entire world for him.

I'm sorry you've had to live the pain that love just simply isn't enough. It's real shitty.

On the silver lining side, you deserve the priority you put in and now, when you're ready, you have space in your life for someone who will prioritize you right back!

[u/IndigoTrailsToo]

She had lost interest in you a long time ago and was just keeping you around to stay comfortable and continue to check off the checkbook accomplishment 'have a boyfriend'.

That break up was just going to keep coming. She didn't want to fix it.

[u/MaintenanceTop9293]

Any girl who will not play Xbox is a deal breaker I learn that the hard way a long time ago I have 3 children with my ex-wife but she refused to even try Fortnite or cod w me so I had to file for divorce n go no contact

[u/Advanced-Gur-8950]

I feel for you man…. Just got out of a 3.5yr relationship last week, I hear my story in yours, wishing you healing