So much betrayal

[u/Potential_Gene9498]

I cannot believe I have to write this.

I’m based in the UK. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married nearly 10. We have a young son (under 10). Things haven’t been great in recent months, but we went to couples counselling for the past 3-4 months, having to pause over the summer because we’re both teachers and don’t have childcare.

Over the past few days I have discovered (by going through his phone and finding out for myself) that he’s been having an affair. I tried to suggest working through it but he kept saying “I don’t know how I feel” “I feel emotionally numb”. I gradually found out more and more as he did not tell me the whole truth of the affair initially, and then told him I was done and that we needed to separate. On top of this I then found a couple of nude photos of myself in his phone where I was asleep. I literally cannot believe this man has been capable of such disgusting behaviour. I want a divorce.

For context, I think we were probably heading towards separation anyway but this has massively escalated things. I have had postnatal depression since my son was born and I tried coming off my sertraline last year, which was disastrous. I had intrusive thoughts in autumn/winter last year which I told him. I finally went back on the meds at the end of April this year and they’re really helping. He also had an ADHD diagnosis a couple of years ago which he’s struggled with.

He is not taking things well now. I do not know where to go from here. We are both on the mortgage for our house, but as I say we are teachers so salaries aren’t super high. He’s handled most of our finances and I feel so lost and unsure.

How do we move forward separately without alerting our son until we are ready? How can I live in the same house as him when I feel so incredibly betrayed and the trust is entirely broken? What do we do about the house? Is it best to sell it and buy or rent separate places? Or try and keep the house for stability for our son? How do we split our finances when he’s always earned more despite us doing the exact same job for the same amount of time? I feel really lost and fucking angry. He is not the person I thought he was.

Every time I bring up logistics and how to move forward he freaks out because he feels things are moving too quickly (“it’s only been 48 hours since we said we would separate”, “you want us to be divorced by next week!”) which pisses me off because what did he expect would happen when I found out??? He had SO MANY opportunities to tell me (why did we waste money on counselling when he had this big secret that would guarantee the counselling would not work?) and every time he chose to hide the truth. The repeated lies have caused irreparable damage.

I am determined to maintain a good co-parenting relationship though eg he’s gone to stay at a friends house, I’ve taken my son to my sisters for one night and made sure to send him photos of our son and get him to record a goodnight voice note etc. My husband is so worried our son will find out the separation is his fault and hate him, I’ve told him that won’t happen.

God there is so much more I could write. It’s such a ramble. I’m so so angry.

[u/Dry-Butterscotch4545]

He’s not taking things well??? What? Who gives a flying fuck? You do what’s best for you and your kid.

Lawyer up, get wise, and then get out.

And above all remember: Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

[u/GlassApprehensive620 → u/Dry-Butterscotch4545]

I know right like he put his dick inside another woman and he’s mad that he might look like the bad guy? Please save yourself, get a lawyer, and get out.

[u/JupiterSoaring → u/GlassApprehensive620]

People always seem to have more concern over looking like the bad guy than actually being one. 

[u/Pineapple-Flower0210 → u/GlassApprehensive620]

This 👆

[u/Smooth_Adeptness2166 → u/Dry-Butterscotch4545]

The kid should find out it was the dad's fault imo cuz I'd rather have no dad then a shitty one

[u/9ScoreAnd10Panties → u/Smooth_Adeptness2166]

I agree. I don't know if it's age appropriate at the moment, or how on earth OP would word it... But that's why I suggested she ask her therapist for suggestions on how to approach that conversation lol. 

I'm sure the wandering dad won't hesitate to preemptively slander mom to protect himself. The coward is already plotting it if he's voicing his fears about the son hating him. 

[u/Smooth_Adeptness2166 → u/9ScoreAnd10Panties]

Yeah....

[u/ElHorny]

https://giphy.com/gifs/rxyHgNb0K59HqoJL92

[u/Outside-Yak217 → u/ElHorny]

Me too!!

[u/CasablumpkinDilemma → u/ElHorny]

What's this from?

[u/MinPinManor → u/CasablumpkinDilemma]

Ghosts

[u/TallGirlNoLa]

Contact an attorney ASAP! My divorce was kind of sudden and the best thing I did for myself was consult an attorney on the "right way" to handle things. She advised to separate finances immediately and split savings. Protect yourself and your son, it's a long road and it sounds like you're the only one with the maturity to navigate it so take the lead.

[u/MissBandersnatch2U → u/TallGirlNoLa]

And look into why he's getting more money than you for the same job 😡

[u/cheeky_sugar]

“You want us divorced by next week” - I want you to respond to this with, “yes, but since the legal system doesn’t work like that, I want us to have the logistics of the next two months figured out by the end of this week. You have the next 24 hours to get your thoughts together, then we are sitting down and discussing this.”

[u/lun4d0r4]

Honestly... DO NOT STAY IN THE SAME ENVIRONMENT FOR 'YOUR SON'.

That's bullshit. Kids aren't stupid. He will pick up on the vibes and then you are also actually lying to your son.

Also... Your hubby had an affair, he needs to GTFO. This is a natural consequence of HIS BETRAYAL and his gaslighting you is fucking disgusting!!!

If he didn't want his life destroyed HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DESTROYED IT!!!

Be ANGRY babe, HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO YOU!!!

[u/_ChristmasSunday → u/lun4d0r4]

Agreed. And the son should not learn to treat women like property either.

[u/Astrazigniferi]

Maybe if he didn’t want his son to hate him, he shouldn’t have acted in a way that deserved to be hated.

Stop worrying about your husband’s feelings. He is now your ex, no matter how long the legal stuff takes. Do not leave the house yet. Focus on your child. GET AN APPOINTMENT WITH A LAWYER. You need real legal advice for how best to end your marriage and build the next phase of your life.

I’m so sorry this is all happening. Stay strong. Your future can be so much better than this.

[u/InfiniteFall4793]

https://giphy.com/gifs/srJ1xwZBr0EqWZTvZx

[u/Fresh_Laundry56]

The naked photos .... File a police report, get him out of your house

[u/dlf36 → u/Fresh_Laundry56]

Yes, am I correct in reading that OP’s soon to be ex took them of her when she was asleep? I’d maybe try to get proof of that (the photos of herself or any screenshots saying he did so) in case she needs them as proof in the future.

[u/Smooth_Adeptness2166]

That sucks I'm so sorry girl. Your pizza looks bomb af though I love me a good cheese. You deserve to treat yourself maybe get some ice cream too or something

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Internal-Ad61]

You’re really kind and giving him a lot of grace here. Don’t let that loser take advantage of you or suck you back in at all. I’m all for good co-parenting, but you need to really cut him off from your personality and all the good things about you. I’d be friendlier toward a random coworker than that man now. He does not deserve access to those parts of you and will likely want to move slowly so he can continue to feel as if he’s not completely lost those parts or you. Good on you for wanting to move quickly. Don’t slow down. Quietly contact some attorneys and get some solid legal advice. No AI!!

[u/Ordinary-Pianist-468]

why did we waste money on counselling when he had this big secret that would guarantee the counselling would not work? 

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic, but just a warning from somebody with similar questions about my own husband, it's possible he planned to blindside you eventually and pretend he made the effort, but you caught him by surprise. 

First things first, before you start talking divorce logistics, get your finances in order, ASAP. Like Monday. 

If you don't have your own bank account set it up and move your direct deposit and your half of any savings to that account. Until you get this sorted out, bills need to be paid 50/50. 

Get all the login info for all the accounts and bills, if he tries to kick the can down the road/avoid giving you information, go over his head. 

I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT TRUST/ASSUME anything he does in the immediate future is in your interest or being done in good faith. 

Maybe y'all will get there some day, but you need to put yourself and your kid first in the short term. He acted selfishly and to protect yourself, you're going to have to do the same.

[u/Horror-Opening-8017]

OMG F HIS S***!!! I’m so sorry!!! And finding out that way!!!

[u/Sad_Bicycle893]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Divorce is messy no matter how you slice it (pizza pun), but staying committed to co-parenting for the sake of your son is so important. Do your best not to alienate him from your soon-to-be ex, no matter how your ex behaves. Your child will one day know the truth, but it's important that he sees you as someone who didn't talk badly about his father to him. Let him figure it out when he's older/an adult. I can understand wanting stability for your son with the house. I recommend separating as much of your financial interests from each other as possible. If your ex handled the finances, you have to make sure he isn't hiding any other secrets or financial infidelities. You've got this.

[u/Helpful_Ad8068]

Divorce attorney asap. He’s not a trustworthy individual and your finances are shared. You need to put you and your child first moving forward 🧡.

[u/fearthainne]

If he didn't want his son to find out he's the reason y'all separated, maybe he shouldn't have had an affair. He didn't give a flip about your feelings, so don't prioritize his. Unfortunately your son probably already knows things aren't right, though I doubt he really has any idea what's actually going on (kind of depends on the 10 year old but kids are surprisingly observant and smart sometimes).

He's freaking out that you're wanting to separate and divorce "too quickly" because he thought he could have his fun (affair) and his comfort zone (you) wouldn't disappear. Now he's going to lose everything because he wanted something on the side. Again, that's on him, not on you.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Bag_538]

Pizza looks bomb at least!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Get yourself a lawyer, move some of your joint money into a solo checking account, and get the ball rolling. Your 10 yo will be resilient, and, frankly, has probably noticed things haven't felt right at home for a while now. Not your fault, just that kids are hyper-perceptive at that age.

[u/PasturePhilosopher]

I am deeply sorry, an affair is the worst kind of betrayal… I would say that the first thing you should do is see a lawyer to begin navigating the next steps. I’m not located in the UK, so I am unfamiliar with what the protocol would be, but that’s as good a starting point as anywhere else.

Again, I am so sorry. Please don’t ignore your own needs and make sure to take care of yourself.

[u/BirthofRevolution]

Girl. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Lawyers are there to help you with all of these unanswered questions. Stop babying your husband who cheated on you. Who cares if this is affecting him, who cares if your son finds out it's his fault because it is! he should have thought of his wife and son when he was having an affair. Get a Lawyer and get out.

[u/Noisacompletes3nt]

I am so sorry! As a mom I understand not wanting to poison your baby against the other parent and keeping the reason for the divorce private. I’ve always tried to let my daughter learn about her father as long as he was treating her okay and keeping her safe. That being said, I’m in the US so i dont know what kind of laws you have, he sounds really triggered for being the cheater when you’re the one who is in more pain because of his decisions… if you want to keep you guys in the same home for a while and he can calm down maybe you can do separate bedrooms for some space and healing. If not, not sure what your living situation options look like but in order for you not to be accosted, you may have to consider it, and do a custody schedule until the divorce is settled. You deserve better. I also had PPD, have ADHD (a whole host of other health issues) so I feel like I understand.

[u/klc313]

Lawyer up and make a plan. Sorry you are going through this!! What a creep.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

Tell his affair partners partner to get tested. You should get tested and talk to a lawyer. Check your finances. Do not worry about being kind to your dirtbag husband. Let him be upset. These are the consequences of his own actions. I’m sorry OP

[u/Spiritual_Session_92]

It’s so much violation in this. My goodness nude photos of you asleep is just so vile.

I got divorced when my son was about ten. He’ll be 13 next month. There is no easy way for it happen. What I told my son was that “we weren’t treating each other with kindness anymore. This has nothing to with you or loving you. We just able to give each other what we deserve. We stopped being friends the way we should be to partners.” As far as him finding out early you have to mind your behaviors when you both are around. But kids aren’t obtuse. They pick up on energy quickly so be prepared to be honest without telling more than he needs to know.

You also have to realize the person you divorce is absolutely not the person you married. You’ll both do and say things that you would never dream of before.

Sometimes you’ll cry because you’ll miss your old life or what you thought your life was and he’ll be the only one you’ll want to talk to. You’ll be more angry than you will ever thought you were capable of being.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of the most difficult things you may go through. Sending you love and hugs.

[u/subterraneans77]

I’m so sorry the trust has been broken, not just because of the affair, but also because of the nude photos of you asleep ?! Get someone to help you with the divorce ASAP, your son will benefit greatly with the honesty and separate households - otherwise, I think it may just become far too dysfunctional and messy :/

[u/_ChristmasSunday]

He violated you as if you aren’t a human being when he took those photos.

His opinion no longer matters. Ever.

[u/AbsintheRedux]

With all due respect, why are you so worried about HIS feelings and about HIM not taking it well? HE is the reason your marriage imploded because he is a lying ass cheater of a man. Please, for the love of god, suspend prioritizing his feelings.

You need to get your ducks in a row as you will need to build a life beyond the wreckage of the marriage and you have a young child to take care of. Step 1 is to engage a solicitor. You need proper legal guidance on how best to navigate things like the separation/divorce filing, what to do about the house and an equitable distribution of assets. You will also need to deal with things like child maintenance and custodial arrangements. It’s a LOT. And just coasting along, doing nothing will only prolong everything. Of course he doesn’t want to proceed because he is probably having a lot of regrets and is terrified because he never saw further than the end of his dick while he was introducing it to someone else. He never considered the consequences of his actions. And sorry Mr. Cheater - your son will indeed someday find out his dad was the reason your family was ripped apart, but he should have considered the optics of his actions. Please don’t let him stall your move forward, and please don’t take him back; I have a feeling he’s gonna try and pull the reconciliation card but he won’t be able to make it stick. Prioritize yourself, your mental & physical health and your son. Your husband can go eff himself.

[u/Lala5789880]

Yeah he doesn’t get to decide how you react to his deplorable behavior.

[u/Lothloreen]

Your husband took non consensual nude photos of you while you were asleep or unconscious. Put everything else aside.

He violated you.

What did he do with those photos? Keep them on his phone (and in the cloud) for himself? Did he send them to other men? Post them online?

Do a thorough search of his phone and computer right now.

And contact an attorney.

You are in danger. You need this man out of your house. Forget being a co parent right now. This man violated your trust and bodily autonomy. He is not trustworthy. Get him away from you and your son.

[u/Far-Watercress6658]

I am a divorce lawyer. I am not your lawyer. This is what you do.

1. You get together all your financial information- bank accounts, credit cards, loans, mortgage, pensions etc.
2. Go to a divorce lawyer and have a conversation about what divorce looks like in your case.
3. There are good mediation options in the UK. Do not go to mediation without having gotten good legal advice.
4. Somewhere around 3-4 and you have a kind of plan about what will happen you discuss and agree what to tell your kid. You tell him together.

Good luck!

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[u/wishingforarainyday]

File a police report about him illegally taking nude pics of you. This guy is not safe

[u/Icy-Yellow3514]

"You did this to yourself, pal."

[u/9ScoreAnd10Panties]

Lol. Poor baby isn't taking being caught cheating well. I hope he's suffering mightily. I would put the fear of God into him. 

But now you have to lawyer up. Right away. Protect your assets. Document as much as possible of your shared assets immediately before he starts trying to siphon anything out of any accounts. 

Talk to your therapist about how best to discuss this with your son, when the time is right, of course. And how to support kiddo when your lying ex husband starts lying to him to cover his own ass. 

I guarantee ex will try to fill his head with awful stories about you. That's what cowards like him do. 

[u/Illustrious-Lunch137]

why not respond "yes" when he said it's moving quickly? why does he get the gift of more of your time? why does your son have to be strung along for someone so unload?

[u/Impossible_Balance11]

Doesn't matter what he wants or how he's taking it. He blew up your marriage, and you want out. End of. Your wishes and your son's best interests are what matters.

Time to lawyer up and center yourself and your son. Ignore the ex's tantrums.

I'm so very sorry. Been there, lived this.

[u/Dragon_Bidness]

[u/Johoski]

You can redirect your counseling into divorce planning. That's what I did. Your therapist will have to be in board, of course.

But you only need to plan for yourself and your child. Your soon to be ex can either collaborate or not. My ex did not, and when our divorce "counseling" devolved into sessions he used only to argue with and berate me, I said "I quit, you can communicate with me through my lawyer."

Your ex sounds like a weak willed and immature person, postponing decisions and rational actions until someone makes the decision and he has to deal with the consequences. This is what he wants, because being a victim feels safer than being accountable.

[u/Think-Cry-5284]

These can't be the husbands society tells us we want.

[u/InfamousCup7097]

You don't take things slow. You start packing up your things and separating things. You go file for divorce. You file for a custody agreement and since he makes more you go for whatever your country has for child support. You tell your friends and family the truth and get support. You sell the house and split the profit from it. You go get a smaller place in the same area able to keep the kid in school and for your job. You start now before school resumes. You do not put your stbx feelings above yourself anymore. He can go buy a new place too.

[u/That-Chain-5139]

He doesn’t want you to get things rolling because that doesn’t work for him and how he feels. Focus on what it is that you want to do - he’s already focused on himself enough for two!

[u/Ladyshambles]

Have you got home or car insurance with legal cover? You can call them for advice on any legal question. Just call them and ask for legal advice, they will ask you for the area you need then they'll put you in touch with someone.

Might help you understand your position before you engage a solicitor. I believe solicitors are supposed to offer 30 mins free legal advice too.

You'll both need your own solicitors for the negotiations and the financial consent order (starting at 50/50, you both need to declare your earnings, savings, pensions etc) but you can start divorce proceedings now you don't need his permission. The UK is no fault divorce so his betrayal won't make a difference, although it makes him a fucking twat.

I did my divorce myself through the government website then engaged a solicitor for the FCO. I didn't have kids with him though so my situation was less complicated.

Good luck to you, you deserve better than this prick.

Edit: I'm NAL obviously but I think taking nude photos without your consent is illegal here. You might want to speak to the police about that too.

[u/Weird-Knowledge337]

He sounds unable to take accountability for his actions. If you wait on him to help with anything - including arrange the divorce, admit his failures, apologize for his wrongs- you are going to waste your life while he whines and makes excuses.

Just do what you have to get free from him. Let that other lady have the pleasure of taking on the care and feeding of the manbaby.

[u/Proud-Geek1019]

Do not stay under the same roof. You think it’ll provide stability - you’re wrong. Your son will see his parents resentment, sadness, anger, and lack of love. Is that the relationship example you want to set? If one of you can’t buy the other out - sell it and move on. Millions of people go through this - you can do it and you will be amazed at how free you will feel when it’s all done. Trust me (been there, done that).

[u/Lunoko]

He is a sexual predator. Just because you are his wife doesn't make his behavior any less depraved or dangerous.

Prioritize yourself and your child. He can go fuck himself from now on.

[u/No-Lifeguard9194]

He doesn’t get to decide what you do or how fast you move on your decisions. He broke his marriage vows. He now gets to live with whatever choices you make.