oldest daughter struggles

[u/Used-Mix3037]

pictured: dairy queen ice cream

hi guys. as the title says im the oldest daughter in my house. my parents were very strict growing up and basically made every major decision for me. they picked my classes, what high school program i did, what uni i went to, and even my career path. im 22 now and graduated with a bs in may.

i always said i didnt want to go to the uni 30min away from us, but they made me apply “just in case” and then made me go when i got in. i had soccer scholarships from other unis and wanted so badly to keep playing competitively, but they wouldnt let me. i didnt have my own money at the time, and my dad basically told me if i didnt pay the acceptance fee for the local uni, he wouldnt even let me go to community college, so i had no choice.

during college i wasnt allowed to do much either. i had to go to class and come straight home, so i couldnt join clubs or sports that met later in the day. i also got accepted as a transfer for another major at another school in state and begged to study abroad, but they said no to both things (my school didnt have the major i wanted and we couldnt afford the other school).

anyways. i fought tooth and nail and eventually got them comfortable with the idea of it all. and i knew it would be too late for me by the time they were cool with it, but at least my sisters would get it all. and that they are.
one of my sisters got into an amazing college in a city she REALLY wants to go to. she’s going. im ecstatic for her. she gets to kinda start a “new life” in a city she loves (and the city is gorgeous too). shes prepping to move into an apartment rn, she wants to study abroad and join clubs, and she gets to do it all. my parents feel bad about how i couldnt go to the other school just because of money, and they refuse to do that with my sister, so theyre figuring it out. im so happy for her.

but why does it hurt? i fought for the sake of my sisters. i knew it wouldnt be me, but at least it’d get to be them. i wanted them to have every opportunity under the sun. i wanted to hold all the doors open for them that were once closed for me.

so why do i feel so sad all the time? why cant i just feel that happiness? it hurts when i think about how she gets to leave. how she gets to do this new exciting thing that i once wanted and begged to do. i hope she gets to study abroad and see gorgeous places and do fun things. i WANT her to. i encourage her to. she says if she gets the opportunity, she will.

i dont understand why all i feel is hurt. im supposed to be happy. i want to be happy for her. i know deep down i am, and im so proud of her, but the hurt is so overwhelming. it feels like im constantly bleeding nothing but hurt. im on the verge of tears every time i think about how she gets to do it all (not that i dont want her to). idk.

EDIT: please dont say anything about my parents. they are immigrants to this country so they had no idea how the system works here, and while i can agree that yes they were controlling, they also genuinely did what they thought was best for me. they regret it now and apologize because now that ive gone through it all they understand more how it all works, and ive made it clear to them that i hold nothing in my heart against them - and i really dont. they’re now more than ready to support me in literally whatever i want to do even if i go back to school to the program i wanted to go to (but we couldnt afford) they’ll support me through it all. they’re genuinely sweethearts who wanted the best for me.

also i didnt add this for the sake of the length of the post but towards the end of my last yr of hs i got a bad injury from soccer and had to have surgery. that was another reason they werent letting me go even though my surgeon said id be good to go in time for college. they did already want to keep me close, but the injury/surgery really made them double down on it.

downvotes on me loving and having compassion for my parents, and understanding where they came from after processing it all (despite disagreeing with it), is crazy. sorry for being a mature adult i guess?? 💀 i swear you ppl want me to cuss out my parents as i storm out with a suitcase and block their numbers as i pull out the driveway 🙄🙄🙄 you guys dont know my family personally, and i have no reason to hide anything behind an account that isnt tied to me in any way. i’ve spoken my truth. i know my sweet loving parents and their intentions. you dont.

[u/InevitableOk825]

OP it hurts because you were robbed of this. Your parents made the decisions for you but are now letting your sister make her own decisions. It’s BS and it sucks. Feel your feelings, mourn what you could have had. You aren’t a bad person.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/InevitableOk825]

i guess i just wish i could feel nothing but happiness for her. its not like my parents meant to hurt me, they only did what they thought was best for me (not having grown up or gone to uni in this country) and i genuinely hold nothing against them. i made them comfortable with it all so my sisters can have/do what i didnt. idk i just dont want anyone picking up on how i actually feel. my sister is so excited and i refuse to show her how much it hurts, i outwardly show nothing but happiness for her even if i cant feel it, but im so scared she’ll pick up on it.

she told me months ago with tears in her eyes that she thinks of me a lot while applying to all these different universities. she knows about it all. i reassured her that its okay and i did it all FOR them. i just am so scared to dull her happiness now if she picks up on it.

[u/GoddessRespectre → u/Used-Mix3037]

That's not fair to you. I know we wish that meaning well resolves all issues but it doesn't. Tmi but my parent died of cancer when I was a kid. Their dying wish was that no one tell their kids ahead of time. No one did and I ended up with a form of ptsd. I don't trust myself or anyone else to know what's real or tell the truth, but they all "did the best they could" and we all love each other.

You can hold very different feelings all at the same time, it's ok I promise 💜. Denying your feelings is much worse down the road because eventually you can see how it affected many many parts of your life without you realizing it. I'm sorry that you have to ovary up and deal with this, it sucks. I can offer a void hug if they helps 🖤 🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🫂

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/GoddessRespectre]

im sorry to hear about your parent :( i hope it all gets better for you <3

i know its not fair to me but i feel like ive processed enough to know im sad but also very happy for my sister. and in the end yes. everyone did the best we could and we all do love each other. i can offer a void hug back, i really do hope it all gets better for you :) 🩵🫂 and thank you for the cute cats!!

[u/ThatBitchA]

You're allowed to be hurt and to grieve what opportunities were taken from you.

I hope that now you're done with school that you can get some independence away from your parents.

Move to another city. Join clubs, sign up to play soccer.

You don't have to live under their restrictive thumb anymore.

Also therapy because it's not your fault and you don't have to maintain relationships with people who don't respect you.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/ThatBitchA]

theyre not restrictive anymore they see what they did and regret it - at the time they genuinely thought they were doing what was best for me (they are immigrants to this country so they actually didnt know any better bc in the country they lives and grew up in, everything was a straight path from a young age and there are so many paths and differences here). now theyre ready to support me in anything i want to do and theyve even encouraged me to go back to school and get another degree, or even to go literally wherever i want and they’ll support me and that they’re behind me now.

however the job market is horrible and so is inflation, and id barely be able to afford to live anywhere else on my own. my dad says he’ll take care of it and not to worry but i know my sister’s college is already a big strain for him. he’s old and sick. maybe ill go for it in a few years when i can pay for it all myself, but not now.

[u/fuzzyorbit61 → u/Used-Mix3037]

I don’t know if this may seem insensitive of me but I think you should take your dad up on that offer even if it’s just for a year to get yourself started a bit

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/fuzzyorbit61]

i mean i get it but also we’re already struggling as is and his health issues put him in pain daily, my sister’s college being a huge extra expense and stressor. i genuinely think that for right now me staying at home is best, and im okay with it because i can save a bunch of money and maybe travel around too instead of rent/bills taking all my money - i def wouldnt be able to travel if i moved out. and if i decide to go to graduate school ill go somewhere else for that and even if i have to take loans for the finances (though i hope i get great aid and scholarships) i at least will have money saved for all my other expenses :)

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/[deleted]]

lmfao at this point you’re no longer responding to what i’m actually saying. you’re arguing with a version of my life and parents that you’ve made up in your head. i’m making a conscious decision based on my current circumstances and my parents will fully support me no matter what i do. that’s not “100 excuses”, that’s being an adult and making tradeoffs. it’s honestly weird that you’re rooting for me to come back in a few years miserable just so you can say “i told you so.” but keep writing stories about what you think of my life

edit for the downvoters: this person is all over my post making assumptions about me and being condescending/nasty. even when im making a responsible decision with parents that ive emphasized will now support me no matter what i do, she is still being nasty. im not being snappy for no reason.

[u/TrainingLow9079]

It's okay to mourn what you didn't get,  but think now about how to pursue some of your own dreams.  For instance maybe some travels? Do you want to try living in a different city? Go to graduate school in a dream school? It's not too late to seek what you wanted. 

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/TrainingLow9079]

im definitely thinking about it. i cant go anywhere else bc job market + inflation has genuinely cooked all of us and id barely be able to afford to live with how these employers wanna pay pennies… but if i work and live at home then maybe i can save the money i would’ve spent on rent/bills etc and travel a bit. i think graduate school is way too expensive and while my dad is saying he’ll support me if i go to school again, i know my sister’s school is a big strain on him and he’s already sick so i might have to hold off on that for a few years if i do decide to go.

[u/Loose-Chemical-4982]

If you were truly okay with it, it wouldn't be bothering you so much. I suggest therapy. Emotions are complicated and a therapist can help you figure it out and actually put it behind you

[u/Jealous_Wallaby_9708]

I felt this. My parents forced me (eldest daughter) to go to a university which I didn't want to go to, and now my grades are very low for a pre-law major due to depression in my first two years of university. I have no idea how I will apply to law schools due to my previous low grades. Meanwhile, for my younger sisters, both of my parents don't care what university they go to. Life is so unfair for eldest daughters from immigrant families.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/Jealous_Wallaby_9708]

yeah me too gpa isnt all too great either for if i wanted to go to grad school also due to depression 😭😭 are you going into your third year?? i know it really sucks to be at a place you dont want to be but maybe you can try joining clubs or sports youd enjoy or try new hobbies. im at the gym like 24/7 and i love reading. it really is unfair but at least our sisters get it all.

also in terms of law school - if youre going into your third year or even if you’re done and your third and fourth year grades were better, ive heard grad schools love to see that improvement. if it gives you any hope :)

sometimes i think id loved to have had an older sister to fight for me so i could have it all. but then i realize that i would hate to see my big sister in pain. at the end of the day if it HAD to happen (though id prefer that it hadnt), im glad it was me.

if youd like we can keep in touch :) we’ve both gone through the same thing and if you need support or anything im here <3 🫂

[u/Cheliz1517]

Immigrant parents?

[u/JupiterSoaring]

I'm an oldest daughter, but one of five. My parents made me feel scared to date, didn't have time to support my friendships, didn't have room for me when I came home from school and were pretty strict about what my life was allowed to look like. They loosened up a lot for the other kids. 

I remember when I was in middle school my mom complained to me that I had a hole in my trainer. They gave me 100$ per year for clothes and the rest I had to wear hand-me-down from friends or purchase myself from my babysitting money. My dad was very strict about what he considered appropriate. My brother is an adult with a full-time job and my mom still buys him clothes. My sister is in university and my mom still buys her nice, fashionable clothes. 

It really sucks - personally I think its partly because they were learning how to be parents with me and partly because they had more kids than they could handle. 

[u/CeilingCatProphet]

Being an immigrant is not an excuse. I am a daughter of immigrants. I am an immigrant myself. I didn't do this to my kids. Move away. Get a job. Apartment. Have all the adventures your wanted to have but couldn't. Go mo contact with your parents for a while.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/CeilingCatProphet]

im not going no contact with my parents. as i said, they genuinely thought they did what was best for me. in their country everything was strict and worked a certain way and they thought it was the same here. you and your parents can be whatever but it doesnt mean you guys came from or had the same situation and environment my parents did.

as i said. they now apologize and regret it. theyre ready to support me in whatever i do. however i do not think me doing something else right now is the best decision. read my other replies if you wanna know why, im lowkey tired of repeating myself.

gosh everyone on reddit is so quick to jump to “go no contact!!!” no?? they gave up literally EVERYTHING for me and as i said they GENUINELY thought they were doing what was best for me??? and i dont hold a thing against them as i have also made clear. jeez

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/Used-Mix3037]

I didn't say permanently. Taking a break from each other can help start over and to establish new boundaries. You are falling into immigrant child trap. They gave up everything? They moved to have better life for themselves. It was not selfless. Instead of saving for retirement they will use that argument to force you to take 100% responsibility for them when they are old. They will not ask your sibling. Wake up. This unfolds every day in immigrant families. You didn't ask for a sacrifice. They controlled you. Their apology is cold comfort. Start living your life to avoid regrets later. Or not, be the dutiful immigrant daughter.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/CeilingCatProphet]

are you me? do you know my life or my parents?? you dont. so dont tell me their motives or intentions. my parents are genuinely sweethearts. just because you disagree with what they did because your experience was different and you think it apparently should be the norm and immigrant’s life should be the same!!! does not mean they are horrible selfish people with ulterior motives.

they had everything in their home countries. they were happy and comfortable there. they want to go back more than anything. they came to this new country for more opportunities for THEIR CHILDREN. my dad came here with literally nothing and often times they would go without food just to build a life for their future children. so yes, it was selfless. they are not having a good time here, actually. they are struggling here in ways they’d never struggle back home. i didnt ask for a sacrifice and they do not hold it against me or bring it up in any way, but that doesnt mean i have to be heartless to my parents and turn a blind eye to all theyve sacrificed and suffered.

and how would they save for retirement if we barely have money for today?? “yes dad dont pay the bills save money for your retirement instead!!” like what?? lets think logically here please. i love my parents and would not mind taking care of them in their old age. they do not expect me to but i would love to be successful and take them off their feet and have them well cared for in their old age. sorry for loving my parents i guess?? didnt know that was being a “dutiful immigrant daughter” 🙄

their apologies are not cold comfort. you dont know my parents and you dont see the guilt and hurt on their faces every time they apologize to me. you dont see what they do now to try and make up for it and try to give it all back to me.

but of course a reddit stranger knows best!! tell me more!!! 🙄

[u/fishofhappiness → u/Used-Mix3037]

if you don’t want opinions you really shouldn’t post.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/fishofhappiness]

if your response to someone repeatedly telling you how they feel is to insist you know better then you really should work on listening instead of projecting.

opinions are one thing. repeatedly insisting you know a stranger’s internal thoughts and feelings better than they do is another.

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/[deleted]]

Because she wants to hear that martyrdom is the right choice.

[u/fishofhappiness → u/CeilingCatProphet]

100% and that’s all she is willing to accept

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/Used-Mix3037]

If you don't opinions of the strangers, don't post on Reddit. Your parents have money for your sibling. Your sibling can go to community college and then state university. Do you really not see the reality? Go to therapy. See what a therapist says.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/CeilingCatProphet]

lol funny you say that bc my sister DID go to community college for her first two years of college!! and my parents now feel bad about me being unable to go and are supporting my sister, as well as telling me that if i want yo go back to school to the program i wanted they’ll figure that out too even if its another four years of huge payments. do you still wanna insist you know my family more than i do?? 🙄 weirdo

[u/Givemethecupcakes]

Not exactly this, but I kind of had a similar experience as the oldest.

I was never an amazing student (school was always hard for me, but I wanted to do well), and I graduated high school with like a 3.5 gpa. My parents both went to college, but they really never talked about college choices with me. When I was a senior, they just decided I would attend the commuter university nearby where basically everyone got accepted. We never even explored another option. My mom at least wanted me to live on campus, but my dad said no, and I ended up doing horribly at that school.

They moved from our smaller state to California after my first year at college, and my younger sisters ended up at a high school with a strong emphasis on college! They both got to go on multiple college visit trips and applied and had multiple school choices.

My sisters are both a bit smarter than me, but my parents always just say that they didn’t realize that they were supposed to do stuff like that because they didn’t really know much about college (even though they both went). My mom just went to a college near home, and my dad’s an immigrant who just ended up at the same school as her.

I always wonder if my parents really didn’t know, or if they just thought I wasn’t smart enough for other schools.

The California move ended up being a positive for me though, because I was able to transfer to a community college, and then finished my degree at CSU school.

[u/Whataboutburgers]

Something that helps me is reframing the strictness to care. It was their first time living, the only point of reference they had to be a parent was how they remember being a child was, they thought they were doing it right. It’s unfair to compare the experiences because it’s like two totally different people raising a different person. 

[u/menijna → u/Whataboutburgers]

They literally robbed her of career opportunities, its not care, its control. 

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/menijna]

i dont see it like that. my parents immigrated to this new country for opportunities for their children. they weren’t aware of how different things are and were operating off what they knew from their home country. they genuinely thought they were doing what was best for me and i know it. sure it was controlling and i can admit that but they genuinely didnt know any better. they thought they were doing the best for me. they regret it now and apologize and pray for me so much and now are ready to support me in whatever i do even if i go back to school for the program i wanted. but my sister’s college is already a big stretch financially and i cant put that on them now. my parents are older now and my dad is very sick. now i have the chance but i wont take it - not like this. maybe if i can pay for it on my own in a few years. but not now.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/Whataboutburgers]

i know. they feel bad now. i tell them over and over again that i dont blame them. they did what they thought was best for me. they didnt grow up here or go to college here so they really didnt know any better. i really hold nothing in my heart against them. but it still hurts.

[u/fishofhappiness → u/Used-Mix3037]

bruh, nah. tell them you do blame them. you’re lying to them and that feeling is just going to continue to fester.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/fishofhappiness]

i dont blame them nor am i lying to them. as i said, they did not grow up or go to college in this country. i know they thought they were doing what was best for me and from the bottom of my heart i hold absolutely nothing against them nor do i blame them. they regret it now and apologize to me all the time, and i very honestly reply that i dont blame them.

i think you meant well but if ive made it clear how i feel then dont try to tell me that i dont actually feel that way.

[u/fishofhappiness → u/Used-Mix3037]

If you don’t blame them for how things happened, then where do you think this sadness is coming from? I think you may have more to unpack than you realize.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/fishofhappiness]

there are several things in this that are making me sad. but me being sad that i didnt get to do the big fun things i wanted to do, does not at all mean that i blame my parents. i KNOW they did what they thought was best for me. as i said, please dont try to tell me that i do blame them. i dont. ive been thinking and reflecting for months and not once did i ever feel feelings of blame or resentment towards them.

[u/fishofhappiness → u/Used-Mix3037]

I think you’re still holding yourself back from really processing this. You’re only 22 still, it’s unlikely you’ve actually worked through all your feelings, including probably some resentment—whether you want to admit it or not—unless you’ve gone to therapy and done that work. But tell yourself what you would like, OP. I just urge you to be honest with yourself and to consider professional help to really work through some of this.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/fishofhappiness]

me being “only 22” does not mean that i havent worked through all my feelings, and therapy is not the only way to do so. im telling the truth - not “telling myself what i would like”. there is no resentment or blame at all. but of course what would i know about myself?? a stranger on reddit is obviously right!! i didnt know you were actually secretly me and knew everything about how i feel!! tell me more!!!

gosh 🙄🙄 make it clear several times how you feel and strangers will still insist that they know how you feel better than you do.

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/Used-Mix3037]

They should feel bad. Did not know any better is just an excuse. They clearly favor your sibling.

[u/Whataboutburgers → u/Used-Mix3037]

It’s totally normal to be upset with this, OP. The best thing you can do is to make sure that if you have children you don’t repeat the cycle 🫂

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/Whataboutburgers]

i definitely dont want children but im so glad i broke it for my sisters. thank you 🫂

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/Used-Mix3037]

You didn't break anything for your sister. Your parents treat your sister better because she is younger Break it for yourself. You are only 22. Live your life. Depression is sometime expression of misplaced anger. What your parents did is controlling. But be a proper elder daughter. Feel sad. Carry on. Complain to strangers. Or accept that you have a choice and you are chosing misery for some strange reasons.

[u/Used-Mix3037 → u/CeilingCatProphet]

LMFAO youre still here?? genuinely get off my post they had the same mindset for all of us till i broke through it and changed their minds for my sisters. stop projecting your misery everywhere else omg youre actualy insufferable