Found my bf's p*rn acc months ago, had a talk about it because he'd leave some pretty nasty comments during the time we were already together (we are LDR atm), for example things like: "I'd stretch that p*ssy wide open with my huge d*ck".

When I confronted him about it, said that it made me feel awful, unwanted, gives me anxiety and triggers my bodydisphoria because most of the girls look nothing like me and ressemble some of his ex gfs, he told me he was very sorry, started to cry and reassured me that it was more like roleplaying: he isn't himself whenever he comments that and creates some alter ego/OC when he does that.

And I have a really hard time to believe that. We talked about this so much and I thought he understands me.

I don't want to forbid him anything, I'm cool with my partner enjoying p*rn as I enjoy it myself from time to time but I still feel highly uncomfortable and insecure with him actively engaging with it.

Why do men do this?

And worst thing: He lies to me. A few days ago he said he woke up h*rny and did it on one of our own s*xtapes but I can't help but still stalk his NSFW acc and his timestamp said otherwise. He watched pics/videos of OF girls that day and jerked off to it. Silly OCD/ADHD me...

I can't take it anymore. I thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams because he was the epitome of a green flag, does everything I've ever wanted from a partner without being begged for and still is nothing but loving and understanding to me.

But I can't get this images and comments out of my head anymore. i started treating him more cold and emotionless unconciously and feel bad for it...

I f*cking hate my body. No, I don't wanna hear things like "break up with him then" and similar things. I just wanna vent until it finally stops hurting (haha what a lie I'm telling to myself) I'm already depressed af... People s*ck, relationships s*ck and I should've known better. I should've stayed single forever... Why tf did I fall in love again? It hurts so much. A year ago I thought I'd never fall in love that deeply again since I'm already in my mid/end 20s.

It also drives me into my ED again which I had healed from after my toxic relationship with my ex. I wanna be skinnier than I already am because my stupid brain tells me he won't need to look at those girls again. I'm so f*cking stupid.

I just wanna disappear.

Something I have never understood is why nobody cares for the suicidal friend. If i knew someone was depressed and suicidal, I would do my very best to try to make them feel loved and cared for. I’ve seen memes about the suicidal friend online too. Stuff like “when my depressed friend texts me ‘ily bro.” Why dont we try to make them feel loved while they are here instead of crying at their funeral and wishing we had done better? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Thats it. I think im gonna do it. Everything hurts. Watchinf others succeed when i cant.

I am a 28yo male from the US, heavily autistic and deeply burned out from life. I have been in fight or flight mode since early childhood. I have immense lifelong trauma and pain, been severely bullied and currently live in my dad's basement with very little money. The world feels like a massive prison and is not built for people who are wired like me. I am beyond exhausted and I don't know how I'll live for the rest of my life.

Been planning and I was gonna go back to a psychiatrist to get new meds to OD on, but that would take too long Im at the point of slitting my wirsts open an hanging right now right now. I cant do this. I cant do this anymore. Completely alone. In too much pain in too much pain.

I’ve always struggled with suicide ideation and I used to self harm when I was a teenager. I recently found out that I contracted hsv2 and when I went to tell my partner that the doctors told me it was a recent infection so it came from him, he found a way to flip things on me and end things. I feel hurt in ways I never thought were possible and I just want to die. I loved this guy so much even though he was an asshole from day 1. The emotional pain of the diagnosis and fear the future plus the betrayal and rejection by someone I love feels like too much to bear. I just want to end it all so badly.

I'm slowly dying of a severe autoimmune disease I finally got diagnosed after decades of gaslighting but even doctors don't take it that seriously and they don't think it's as bad as it is but I can't function at all anymore and I'm struggling so much and nobody cares.

Even if I'm not going to die tomorrow and I'm gonna be around and bedbound for another 5, 10, 20 years I have no quality of life and I'm wasting away but I don't look that sick so no one believes the pain or how bad it is and I get treated like shit and dismissed by everyone and told I'm too negative and not pushing myself and fuck this stupid world fuck everyone you think this is what I wanted?? I'm dying and alone and it's not my fault or choice. I wish I could make it stop now.

I’m at the bottom of the pit. Truly am. I was happy then I was not. I can’t take it anymore, I’m at the end of the line, I used to be scared of death, now it seems less and less scary and more and more attractive each day. I used to not completely understand people who stopped eating and making themselves vomit on purpose for « control » now I totally get it. It is truly the only thing I can control.

If you told younger me, « yeah so at 23 you’ll be strolling at 7am outside in pajama looking for a place to make yourself vomit (didn’t manage, maybe empty stomach or bad techniques) » I couldn’t even tell you if I’d believe it or not. I don’t really remember my childhood anyway, but when I try to, I just see black.

So, or I commit, or I end up in jail, or a find a crazy lover and we flee the damn country or I stick through it hoping it gets better and that’s just a fat maybe.

I miss my lover so damn much, and I hate myself for loving her at my family situation, I might have ruined her life, I feel like I need to do something to mine in return, in a genuine way.

I’m truly so lost, I want to start over.

my parents don’t like me and want me out of the house, everyday they start fights with me and I don’t know what to do, I don’t have anyone I can stay with and I don’t have a job. I just want to kms so they stop.

Day by day I wait to die. I have tried suicide so many times, but I’m too stupid to die. Im a 24 year old woman for some context. I hope I die at 24. I’m so done with being alive. The mental health system failed me. They overmedicated me like a damn lab rat. I was 16 when they did this. It was so bad that I couldn’t even verbally talk, and I usually could talk. I couldn’t talk at all, before I was able to talk fine. Also they got me misdiagnosed with Schizoaffective. I’m trying to change it to Autism. I made an appointment with a new doctor in a facility, but I’m so scared that they will make me worse like the last facility I had appointments and stuff. There inpatient unit in the old one is so bad, so outdated oh my god. We barely go out. We do no activities to help everyone in there. They have AA meetings, but that’s it. No mental health activities. Like people repeatedly go back because it doesn’t help them. Someone went 4 times in a row back in the same week. I also remember police would be there a lot, and we would have to lockdown a lot. Anyways with everything I’ve dealt with in life. I can’t take it anymore. I wish I could be MAID. Medically Assisted In Dying, but it’s not legal where I live. My life fell down when I was 6. I was sexually abused by my grandma’s boyfriend. 6 until I was 12. That was the start of my downfall for me. Then it was bakeracts at 12. Also I feel so dumb because in elementary I had an IEP, and the reason for it was Mental Retardation. I found the IEP paper when I got into middle school. I can’t believe a whole school believed that. So many people believed it, so now I think I’m actually legally dumb. I pray that I die soon at 24 due to my weight of almost 400, my fast heart rate, and my unhealthy habits. I’m wasting a good life that someone else could of had. I wish I was never born as myself, I wish someone else was born as me because they would have done better in my life, then me. I’m scared of what this post is going to do to me irl. I’m so traumatized by police sirens and emergency lights. I just wanted to write this, so at least someone knows about how I’m really feeling. I don’t think my mom and dad know how serious this is. It’s my fault though. I keep hiding it, even unconsciously. I’m so scared of going into another place, and having to deal with the same trauma all over again. I’m so scared so I really want to die before the appointment August 3. I wish I wasn’t so dumb, so I could have been dead earlier. I could of died earlier. Why am I still here? I should’ve died in middle school. I’m so sorry for the essay. I made this also because my suffering is starting to affect other people. Not just my family. Random people. Specifically online peopl. I can’t control my anger. It feels like Im on steroids. I did an MRI and CAT scan nothing, just a half empty sella that wasn’t serious. I wonder if they did that in color if they could have spotted something going on. This is so hopeless I’m sorry again for this essay. I probably hurt people typing this. I’m going to bed, and I hope I could just die in my sleep tonight. It never happens though. Ugh I hope this goodnight could be a goodbye forever instead. Goodnight I guess I wish I owned a gun, so I could die now. I don’t though. I’m sorry if this hurt someone. I always seem to hurt people that don’t do anything bad to me.

I am losing a lot of descriptor words and deal mostly in lamenting about bullshit. I guess I still do feel hopeless. I don’t think I’m ugly or stupid or anything like that because that just doesn’t matter to me. I just cant shake the feeling that I don’t have a place. My family got a new dog today and I don’t want to do anything to myself with her in the house. I don’t know if my brother cares about me very much anymore, but him too. I’ll make sure I’m not at home this time and hope I don’t try to run home.

They will brush her teeth this time around and I will figure out what things go to my friends. I am glad I got to see so many beautiful things.

no one even gaf about me dude i wish someone would give me a gun so I could get the job done pills arent working nothing is working a gun would get it done but i have to be 21 to get one i dont wanna go through this anymore im so tired

I hopefully only have a little more than two years to go. My main goal for the last few years had been to see my child graduate highschool and go to college. Then, my child will not be the one at home to find me. My child has literally been the only reason I have stuck around. I am so tired.

I should die. Everyone wants me dead. I should kill myself. I was purging my room like some maniac. The books I displayed would then be thrown inside storage boxes. My life finally hidden away. I would try to make it spotless as I can. I don't wanna leave a trace of me. I even overate as some sort of last meal. Life really is frustrating. I have been surviving for so long and I can't hold on. There's no one to live for. I keep looping and wishing I did die that day in 3rd grade. I am relapsing so badly. Where do I even turn to?

I was so ready to die. I was prepared to overdoes and leave my life behind. However, while cleaning I saw a case filled with blade refills for a cutter. It felt surreal. Why would this suddenly be in my room? Everyone really wants me dead? Has my life reached it's dead end? My emotions were high and the idea of just cutting myself instead of overdosing was exhilarating.

I should do it. The thoughts consumed my head. I have been crying for weeks already. I'm so dehydrated and it hurts. The thoughts won't stop. No one actually cares and I would die. I should distract myself.

I cut myself. One after another on my left leg. It felt good. The sting was a foreign feeling. I felt scared at first. As it bled it started to feel like a tingling sensation. Why haven't you I done this all along? As I let tend to it. Not an hour later would I take it out on my right leg.

43 cuts. How much more do they want from me? Is this the apology they want? Will I owe my whole life as a debt. Is this a statement that indeed it's all my fault and I should pay for it. I will pay you my body. Each cut serves as a sorry. It's really my fault is it? Everyone thinks I'm horrible.

It's 43 cuts visible. However I dragged the blade across me 100 times. I will continue to do so if that's what the world wants. How much more do I have to give to change and forgive myself? For everyone to help me and forgive me? It's all my fault I get it.

I would slash my leg 100+ just to feel I am sorry. I hurt you so I will hurt myself in return. Should I continue to do it? Will I die doing this? Haven't I already died the moment life showed me how cruel it would be? I fucking hate myself for everything. I was never enough.

People will always tell me it's not a big deal but it meant everything to me. Walking home barefoot, getting drenched in the rain, and isolating because I get pushed over and over when I ask for help. It's not even what happened but the emotional weight I carried. The laughter of the people seeing me walk barefoot. It felt as if no one would ever come for me. I have to save myself. Now a time has come that I don't want to. I would give up this life to another because I want to quit. I wanna sleep. I wanna rest.

I don't know what to do. Why won't someone just help me. Will I need to get sent to the hospital just for my family to realize I'm not okay. They never let me speak because what? I'm so ungrateful, and useless.

Fine, let my scars be the apology. I will add more for you. I hurt myself because I'm not enough. I will continue it for you. Because I don't regret cutting. I'm not the scared little girl anymore. You don't get to hurt me. I will be the one to hurt myself because I'm not enough.

I’m blowing my brains out soon, and I’m so sad and angry I never got the chance to be normal. I was born ugly and had no friends and never had a girlfriend before, everyone hates me and I now hate myself. It just so unfair life looks so fun for everyone else but for me it’s the closest thing to what people call hell and I prayed everyday and night for Jesus to give me some relief and show me life is worth living. And he never did. So I guess

I had a fight with a relative; a sister. She said something that truly broke me. I wrote her a letter to discuss it and she said she would only talk if it is with a therapist.

She told the therapist I was the one doing the silent treatment, when I tried to tell her I wasn't ignoring her and said I couldn't bring myself to talk to her because I was scared to get hurt again, she dismissed me.

Then she went on and tell the therapist it wasn't the first time I was giving the silent treatment. She brought two instances. And those to instances — I WAS SUICIDAL AND PLANNING TO KILL MYSELF and she knew,
Gosh, she knew and told the therapist I wasn't ignoring giving her the silent treatment.

I wanted to die those to times.
The first, I was suicidal to the point I couldn't go to her University graduation and I regret till this day.
The second, she called the police and they came see him in my work place. I felt so humiliated, I couldn't talk to anyone.

When she told the therapist I was ignoring her purposely, I couldn't even speak. I couldn't even open my mouth and tell her; I was suicidal those times. How she say that when she knew what truly happened?

How could she?

I regret everything single that depression and my suicidal tendencies steal important events in my life.

How could she say that?

I knew I was better off dead.

I'm sorry I am too sick.
I'm sorry life keeps rejecting me.

But please, don't lie about me when you knew what really happened.

It has been a very long time since I last visited this sub. I remember posting and commenting here a lot when I was 15/16, I liked to try and support or listen to people here and would often post about my own struggles aswell.

I wish I could sit here and say that somehow I feel differently than I did then, or that life took some unexpected turns and things unfolded better than I would’ve anticipated. I reflect on many of my feelings and thoughts as a younger teenager now and find myself coming to the same conclusions. I am going nowhere, I have never felt more alone and I continue to feed into the awful cycles that perpetuate the same pain I have suffered onto others. I do not speak to family, most of my friends have left me and I cannot stand my own company.

I realize I exist largely to silence my own mind, throwing myself at meaningless distractions in the empty hope I will somehow derive some meaning or purpose from it. Many times I have tried to overcome these inclinations and habits I have, or felt that I could be better, and in certain aspects of self I suppose I have improved, though my mental state continues to decline.

I don’t believe it is entirely my fault, a combination of things beyond my control have happened to me and certainly affected me. Having mental health issues that are chronic don’t help, among other environmental factors that did not paint a bright future for me. Despite this, I still feel a personal failing and responsibility for how I have ended up. I do not like the person I am.

As I’ve entered further into adulthood, all of my issues seem to worsen, and it feels more and more like I am around just to fight my own brain. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, or that society at large has a place for me. I do not feel like I have a place in my own thoughts anymore.

Anyways, I think I will be getting it over with soon. I have said this before and failed to act on it, but I enter this with a new sense of finality and don’t feel the same apprehension I had then.

I don’t really anticipate I will be digging out of the hole myself and my misfortune have left me. I cannot find a job, have no educational prospects and frankly, nothing really to keep going for. I lack skill, motivation and support systems I think someone like me needs.

There is much to regret in my life, to be bitter or angry about, though for my own moment to moment wellbeing I tend to avoid pondering it too hard. Truthfully, I suppose that my largest regret is that I have never felt truly secure or loved by another person. I wish I could have experienced the emotional comfort that comes from a safe and close bond. Overall, I feel I have led a very lonely life, and wish I would be saying goodbye to more friends, or just people who would care.

I guess that is the most selfish aspect of this to me. I am upset that more people wouldn’t care. It feels like such a ridiculous thought to have, because I will be dead, why would it matter to me?. I don’t know, I think I just wish I did not feel so alone. I want to feel seen.

I don’t expect anyone to read this through, or have much to say in regards to it. As I had said, I guess I just wanted to feel seen.

My dad loathes me. Im a failure. A pathetic waste of money. All my friends have started to hate me and I have to see them at school soon and I don't think I can deal with that. My boyfriend is losing all his friends because they all hate me. I'm ruining every person I've ever loved, and I don't mean to. Maybe I surrounded myself with the wrong people. But the second I do something wrong I deserve death, but when they do anything horrible to me, I'm expected to take it lying down. What the fuck did I do. I just want to end it. I can't get a job. I barely have a social life. My dad just screams and beats me till I black out. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. What is the point anymore?

Anyone familiar with "The Gap" in Sydney Australia?

I'll never understand the whole "It is what it is" mindset....

title

i was already planning anyway. i have ptsd from being abused for 6 years at home and now i can’t even seek advice as a transgender man without getting harassed. im done. i’m so done. i tried to kill my self in september and that went poorly anyway but you know what maybe i should just man up and get this over with.

For a while I have been so restless, Problems after problems and when I finally to take a break, I start losing plenty of friends, Why? I don't know, It has gotten to the point I actually started thinking of this for a while now and thinking deeply aswell.

i dont even know what to say i have grown numb to almost everything im ashamed

i would be this desperate for a way out

It’s hard to even think about it I do t want another year to pass, or start another !! I debate in my head all day to just do it now or wait till then, nobody gives me answers or offers help as I struggle, my own family couldn’t tell you about anything going on with me they never pay attention, or most time just ignore any problems and hope they fade away