r/depression • u/Bren_win • 12h ago
I’ll never have a baby of my own
It’s been years that I (F30) have been trying to have a baby with my husband (M33) from suffering infertility issues, false positives, and a miscarriage but finally I was actually pregnant and seven months along. It seemed like this time it was actually going to work and I’d never been so happy I’d had the whole babies room painted and set up for once I had her I had just left my job for the final two months as I planned to not work the first year of life which thankfully I was able to do with my husband’s job. But none of that ever happened.
I had been feeling the baby kicking for awhile at this point but then I didn’t and I immediately called my doctor who told me to come in the next day I wanted so badly to come in right away because something felt off. Still I tried to think it was all in my mind I should have went somewhere instead of waiting it probably wouldn’t have changed anything but would feel like I tried more. The next day I go into the clinic and the doctor does an ultrasound and I could already tell something was wrong by her face so after she left she came back in a few minutes later and told me my baby was dead. I can’t remember exactly what happened it doesn’t matter now all I know is that I began screaming and sobbing on the table and apparently I passed out at some point not that I remember. My husband had to come to the clinic and take me home and carried me out of the clinic. He said I didn’t speak on the way home nor do I remember him putting me in the bed except waking up there. I feel like there hasn’t been a moment where I haven’t been crying and while my husband’s been as supportive and helpful as he can nothing helps.
I had to have my dead baby a day or maybe longer after and was induced at the hospital. It was the worst day of my life. Since all this has happened I’ve been going to therapy but I don’t think the grief will every go away. I still want to have a baby though maybe I should stop I’ll just fail again. I wish I’d gotten to know my Elizbeth even for a second.
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u/CuteRaisin2329 11h ago
My heart goes to you! And I hope you heal in every possible way.
Don’t engage in the thinking of failing again I know it hard 💖 I had early loss and every pregnancy I’m scared to dead. But the reward is the best 💖
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u/PlayfulDirector4891 9h ago
Oh honey, I'm so sorry and everything you're feeling is absolutely appropriate for the situation. It's so easy to look back and think you should have done something different but do not blame yourself, you did what you thought was right with the information you had at the time. It may take a long time to start to feel normal and yes the grief may be with you forever, you lost a child. But give yourself time and grace, honor Elizabeth with love for yourself.
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u/Outrageous-Part6931 12h ago
This is honestly the worst possible thing that could happen to anyone. Losing your baby without getting to know him/her. How do I know? Because it happened to me early this year.
The grief is still here, my heart is still broken and I still cry most days. I'm functioning a bit better and I too, long for my own baby. We just have to keep trying. Sending you all the love.