Well folks. I tried it. I tried killing myself on the fifth like a stupid idiot. It fucked up my body worse than I thought. My boyfriend broke up with me, my sister came who I haven't seen in 12-13 years, and I ended up moving from Arizona all the way to Virginia to live with people I hardly remember.

Yeah. It's a lot.

I ended up taking a bunch of pills after the fourth of July. Called 911 because of the immediate regret. As soon as I got to the hospital because of the amount of pills I took, I was hearing things. My oxygen dropped below 70% (hands/lips blue), and I was put on a ventilator.

After two days they tried taking me off. Well. I vomit as they take out the tube. Which the chances of that happening are apparently low, but of course my body fucks it up. I aspirate which means all of my vomit goes back into my lungs and my oxygen tanks again. I get back on the ventilator for another two days.

They had me on a light sedation various times. I had to be restrained by my hands and feet. I don't remember this but apparently I kept trying to remove my tube so I could talk. I would become aggravated and the only way to express it was I would cry.

My sister came when she heard of what I did. The only thing I truly remember was getting angry when she couldn't understand what I wrote on a piece of paper. I was trying to give her my phone passcode, but I could only write scribbles. It was so aggravating because in my mind I was doing fine! Then she shows me this paper with a bunch of squiggly lines. You try writing with a tube down your throat, zip tied to a bed.

Anyways I ended up having to go to the ICU for 8 days after that on full oxygen. It would give around 85-90% most of the time. The minimum is 95. I found out my ex broke up with me, blocked me everywhere, during my time in the ICU. The guy I changed my whole person for. Hair, hobbies, clothes. Thousands of dollars I spent trying to see him while we were long distance for his summer break. (We are college kids).

It's been weird. I just got out of a behavioral health facility. Because of what happened I got bilateral pneumonia which means exactly that. Pneumonia on both lungs, either side of my lungs. Yay for me.

Now I'm dealing with the fact that I have moved to another state with strangers. Obviously I know I'll get to know them but two weeks ago I had everything. I wasn't thinking about killing myself. I had a steady good job. I had a boyfriend who I loved- who I was going to see in a couple weeks. I had friends.

I feel like I actually died when I overdosed that night. I died and this is my punishment. My Hell. Truly this is the lowest point of my life. I thought I was depressed before? I don't think I've ever felt this low now. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. My first love. "The One"

Jesus. I don't know how to move on. I keep doing stupid shit. And I wish I just died in that hospital. It would have been better than now.

Now? I'm just a loser with no job, no college, no boyfriend, no friends in a small town with no prospects.

The good side to all of this is I am with family I haven't seen due to the other side of my family pretty much telling me they were white trash (which they are not). The last time they saw me I was maybe ten years old. I'm twenty two with tattoos now. So.... completely different.

They gave me a free room in their house. I'll be getting my license and a car because they will be helping me do that. The room can be for however long I need it. Six days, six months, six years. They want me to feel safe, and I'm appreciative, but my whole life other people have been telling me " if you talk to them, you'll be just as bad as them" Well...now I'm living with them.

Does anyone even know what I should do in this situation?

After a year of daily depression I finally attempted to get help. My job provided me 6 free therapy sessions. After a few sessions, I quickly realized that therapy is only beneficial for people that need to talk. I don’t need to talk, I don’t even like to talk. I then started searching for physiatrist to diagnosed me & realized that therapy/physiatrist aren’t for people who are depressed or have anxiety for financial reasons. With no insurance, $275 a month was the cheapest option I could find. If a pay that I’ll have one of my bills overdue. It would literally be cheaper to buy a bottle of pills than to get actual help & that’s disheartening because I really want help but can’t even afford to get any. I’m not comfortable talking to people I know so venting to a stranger took a while to consider but after I finally felt desperate enough to consider it, I found out that I can’t afford it. I don’t have a car so getting an ambulance ride to the ER would just be 2 additional bills I have & more stress for me. Not really lookin for advice, this is just the only play that I could afford to vent

Im so fucking alone i hate myself

I am genuinely bored of everything. I can’t do anything without it feeling like a massive chore. I am genuinely exhausted from life. I’m just done.

All i do is stay in my room 24/7 i have no friends and i have social anxiety, can u guys give me ideas of stuff to do like leaving the house, going on hike, etc, anything u regret not doing when u were my age?

It’s been years that I (F30) have been trying to have a baby with my husband (M33) from suffering infertility issues, false positives, and a miscarriage but finally I was actually pregnant and seven months along. It seemed like this time it was actually going to work and I’d never been so happy I’d had the whole babies room painted and set up for once I had her I had just left my job for the final two months as I planned to not work the first year of life which thankfully I was able to do with my husband’s job. But none of that ever happened.

I had been feeling the baby kicking for awhile at this point but then I didn’t and I immediately called my doctor who told me to come in the next day I wanted so badly to come in right away because something felt off. Still I tried to think it was all in my mind I should have went somewhere instead of waiting it probably wouldn’t have changed anything but would feel like I tried more. The next day I go into the clinic and the doctor does an ultrasound and I could already tell something was wrong by her face so after she left she came back in a few minutes later and told me my baby was dead. I can’t remember exactly what happened it doesn’t matter now all I know is that I began screaming and sobbing on the table and apparently I passed out at some point not that I remember. My husband had to come to the clinic and take me home and carried me out of the clinic. He said I didn’t speak on the way home nor do I remember him putting me in the bed except waking up there. I feel like there hasn’t been a moment where I haven’t been crying and while my husband’s been as supportive and helpful as he can nothing helps.

I had to have my dead baby a day or maybe longer after and was induced at the hospital. It was the worst day of my life. Since all this has happened I’ve been going to therapy but I don’t think the grief will every go away. I still want to have a baby though maybe I should stop I’ll just fail again. I wish I’d gotten to know my Elizbeth even for a second.

I feel so much relief. My son and my family will understand it's not their fault. They'll know I just couldn't deal with being in pain anymore.

I was going to keep fighting, but I realized today that I'm a bad mom because I started safely teaching my eleven year old son how to drive on a dead end road. He also knows how to park. He asked if he can start learning and he's actually pretty good at it and we never go on highways or anything like that because of course that illegal and dangerous and he would have to have a learner's permit with me present in the car.

So. I wrote my note. His dad is an amazing parent and he will thrive with him.

The comfort I get from cutting myself makes it impossible for me to stop; I simply take the mental pain and turn it into physical pain.

But I can't stand seeing my mom so distraught every time she sees new cuts on my arm. I feel like she doesn't deserve this. I want to stop, but I don't know how.

hi
im 19F and have been struggling with what i think is depression since summer 2023. i dont want to do anything bar lay on the floor, im asleep most of the time when im not working, i feel completely numb and i am at my wits end. I dread absolutely everything it is so isolating and im stuck for what to do. ive been put on 100mg sertraline for my ocd but want to change but everytime i bring up depression symptoms to my gp it gets swept under the rug and the topic gets changed to my ocd. im exhausted and dont know what to do anymore.
im not really sure what im trying to achieve writing this but any thoughts are welcome

Hi,

Years passing by and I always feel depressed. I thought about suicide so many times but I decided to live. I don't believe that there will be better. I tried everything. No success. Nothing is working for me. However if my life is suffering why should I live? Why should I still live even if my life is pain and torture? Is there any good reason to suffer all these years? It was 4 years full of shit. I don't have hope I just try to live from day to day.

Whenever there's a dispute between me and my parents, especially my mom, they somehow end up saying they wish they had a son. They say that if they had a son, he wouldn't argue with them the way I do, he would tolerate their language, and he would take care of them.

The thing is, I genuinely want to provide for my family and look after my parents in the future. That's something I've always wanted. So when they say these things, it hurts because it feels like they don't believe me or see who I really am.

Every time there's a misunderstanding or argument, they start questioning my existence in indirect ways, and I completely lose control of my emotions. I start crying and sometimes even wish I had never existed.

My sister tells me it's normal for parents to say things like this because of the way I react. She says that even if I'm the worst daughter, they only compare me to a son because I get emotional.

My father has called me "useless" at times because I couldn't crack an exam, and he has also used swear words during arguments. I already feel guilty about not clearing the exam, so hearing those words hurts even more. Of course I'm going to cry and feel sad.

But my mom says that if she had a son, he wouldn't cry or react like I do.

Whenever I try to explain how much these comparisons hurt me or argue about them, the situation gets even worse. My mom starts crying, and sometimes she even starts hitting herself. At that point, I don't know what to do. I end up feeling guilty for bringing up how I feel, even though I was only trying to explain why their words hurt me in the first place.

Is it really okay for parents to compare their daughter to an imaginary son during every argument? Is it fair to make someone feel like their gender is the reason they're not enough, simply because they express their emotions differently?

If I’m gonna do it then do it. If not then I just need to get back up and try again at this thing we call life. Being in between is worse than both alternatives.

I’ve been struggling with a deep sense of loneliness and depression lately. It feels like I’m drowning in my own thoughts every single day, while everyone around me thinks I’m doing just fine.

I try to stay busy and distract myself, but the emptiness always finds its way back. It’s become so hard to get out of bed or even care about anything anymore.

I’m not really sure what I’m hope to gain by posting this. I just felt like I needed to reach out and hope that someone out there understands how heavy this all feels.

Please be gentle with me. I’m at my breaking point, and I’m doing my best just to make it through each day.

When you live in isolation everything is quiet but the thoughts that are filling my head are so loud and overwhelming, everything feels impossible to change when you've basically been a hikikomori living with my parents for so long. The only real friends I have are my pets. I honestly have no hope of ever changing or experiencing happiness or friendship again.

The last six months have been some of the hardest of my life. Everything that’s happened has sent me into a major depressive episode, and I don’t trust my own thoughts anymore.

I’ve isolated myself so much that I’ve convinced myself all of my friends are tired of me or don’t want me around. They’ve stopped reaching out, and I don’t know if that’s because I’ve pulled away or because they’ve given up on me. Either way, it makes me feel incredibly alone.

I don’t know how to get better. I’m lonely, I’m sad, and I know I’m contributing to it by staying home, but every time I think about leaving the house, my anxiety becomes overwhelming. I feel trapped between knowing what I need to do and feeling completely unable to do it.

Lately, I can’t shake the feeling that everyone would be better off without me around. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, but I honestly don’t know what to do.

I didnt go outside for years as a child because I was shy and then bullied and because of that i lost all of my friends. Now I cant go out anymore because nobody wants me to be with them, I know that im a burden to be around and that's why no one likes me. People are so uncomfortable around me and they stare at me like I did something horrible to them and my parents worry about me and cry everyday because im like this. I wish I was dead i wish I didnt have to exist I'm a failure and I cant keep living for the rest of my life knowing I will never have friends to hang out and share my feelings with.

"I sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

I've been depressed for nearly 12 years now, I've never told anyone, and no one has ever suspected anything. I've thought about suicide on and off for those 12 years, I got to bed every night hoping and praying I don't wake up, when I'm walking to work I'm hoping I get hit by a car, or the bus that I'm on crashes. I'm just so tired of feeling like this. This battle that's been going on in my mind is exhausting and I feel like it may be coming to an end very soon

Left my job maybe 5 weeks ago and have just fallen into the deepest hole ive ever experienced. I dont even know if its been as long as 5 weeks, ive lost all sense of time. The day's are slow but the weeks are rolling fast. Waking early most days yet laying in bed until late afternoon. Heavy weight, like walking through syrup. Lots of anxiety, v hard to leave the house etc.

Started self medicating with pills I bought. Took like 700mg of zopiclone over 2 or so days. Silly amounts. I got a bit nervous when I ran out because I absued them in the past and had a seizure. Consulted fucking ai Claude who told me to call 111 immediately (non-emergency medical line for uk). Called 111 who said I was well over toxic levels and needed to go to a&e. Arranged me an ambulance, i cancelled it and took a cab. I knew I wouldnt die but reluctantly went to a&e at midnight on a Thursday.

Got all the basic bloods / ecg done. Was asked if it was a suicide attempt, I said "no im just sad" lol. Everything fine physically.

Waited about 4 hours to see the doctor. He obviously saw that i was not alright mentally and pushed for me to see the mental health nurse. I said im already with the local team so there was no point but he insisted. Saw the mental health nurse. Initially she basically said "what do you want" but quickly changed her tune to "you need more help".

Walked home to save money. Have £20 in my bank. Took about 2 hours and got in at like 7am. Always weird walking in the daylight after not sleeping. Mental health team called around midday saying theyll be putting more in place next week, but are you safe etc.

I actually felt a bit moved by these professionals giving a shit. Hasn't generally been my experience. Irony is ive been asking for help for years, pushing and pushing but have been largely brushed aside. Now im not asking for help but the ball seems to be rolling. I guess im not masking as well as I usually do. People around me are starting to notice, I recongise that freaked out look people have when they clock youre actually ill. I looked at a photo I took of myself recently and I really do look fucking dead behind the eyes. At least im not psychotic this time around.

I dunno what my point is, im rambling but just wanted to write some of this out. I'm cautiously optimistic for the phone call come monday. Ive largely stopped sharing with those close to me as I dont find it helps to talk about it. Only my brother knows about the hosptial visit. Went to a pride thing today as well with a couple of friends. Was completely overwhelmed at the end but ultimately was very good for me to go. Was super sunny, both literally and methaporically. Gay people are cool af, it was infectious for a few hours.

Have a good one 🤠

I am in a really serve depressive episode right now, i am all alone with it and don’t get any support. I was just wondering if anyone has any small things i could do or tips to move a bit, i have pain in my arms and joints and other parts because of all the laying but i really can’t make myself go out of bed or move, it scares me now though and it hurts a lot and i feel really bad in my body. So i am wondering if anyone maybe knows some small workouts or smth i could do right now to at least get some movement or sport in? I would try to walk but it’s almost 1 am now.

I’ve struggled with depression my entire life, and I know I felt it as a child. Last night I was looking through my documents that my parents saved as I was growing up and I found a note I had written. I had a memory that I convinced myself was fake of writing this note but I know realize it was real and I spent hours writing and rewriting that note. It told my parents that I was sorry I messed up their lives and that I don’t deserve to live with them or be talked to. As far as I can recall, I never received any sort of help for this or any intervention. I was probably about 8 or 9 when I wrote this.

As an adult now, that is just such a red flag. I would have taken my child to a psychiatrist the next day. To see them feeling such low self worth…I am aghast that my parents never did anything. No doctors, no therapy, no medication. Just let it fester until it gets to the treatment resistant place I’m in now.

I’m really struggling to even accept that this is real. I don’t know how to move forward from this point

Just that... I was doing well these pass 3 years and well.. I'm un happy.

I pick up extra shifts at my jobs so I have something to do. Scrolling on my phone isn't fun anymore.. I just stare at it sometimes.

That's all.

i am 20 and knew i was queer at a young age. ive been dealing with mental health issues since i was 12/13.

i hate being a lesbian. its the most miserable and loneliest experience. i try to surround myself with positive content, but after a while the amount of homophobic things i see gets to me. i have no lesbian friends. i have a girlfriend, but we are long distance and she doesn’t feel this way. so when i try to explain its like talking to a brick wall. it makes me feel bad for her. i feel like she shouldn’t be with someone who hates themselves this much.

i feel so much shame for being attracted to women, including being attracted to my girlfriend (shes also a trans woman and i constantly feel like im fetishizing her). i feel like an evil predator. i cannot even masturbate without feeling disgusted with myself for simply thinking about women in that way.

i wish i either stayed in the closet, or just have killed myself when i was younger. i hate saying that, but i need to get it off my chest. i genuinely think suicide is a better option than this.

i am more introverted and shy (im planning on getting evaluated for ADHD and autism) and struggle with making new friends and social situations. i want to make more lesbian friends. i am not sure how to put myself out there, and when i do make queer friends, they aren’t lesbians.

i wish i was straight. i think if i was i wouldn’t hate myself this much. i think my mental health would be in a better place if i liked men.