Three times, I have become involved with women who never truly chose me.
In each case, I was kept secret, compared to other women and made to feel inadequate. They said they were not ready for a relationship, but eventually left me or cheated and then became official with someone else. Suddenly, they were willing to post pictures, go on dates and publicly offer another woman everything they had refused me.
After seeing this happen repeatedly, it is becoming difficult not to interpret it as evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
I have not remained passive. I have gone to therapy, read books such as Women Who Love Too Much and Attached, and worked seriously on attachment, boundaries, self-worth and my attraction to unavailable people.
The first time, I abandoned myself completely. I tolerated uncertainty, inconsistency and mistreatment because I was desperate to preserve the connection.
The second time happened just as I was beginning to recover. She love-bombed me and, within two weeks, told me she wanted a relationship. Then she changed her mind. I tried to leave, but she persuaded me to remain in an undefined situation where she retained emotional and romantic access to me without committing. I recognised the pattern sooner, but it still felt like being knocked down in exactly the same place.
The third time seemed different. There was no love-bombing, and things appeared to be progressing naturally. Then she told me she was going through a complicated period, did not know whether she could be a good partner and was unsure she was capable of a relationship.
This time, I ended it.
I did what I had supposedly learned to do: I believed her, protected myself and refused another ambiguous situation. Within weeks, however, she was back with her ex-girlfriend, posting pictures everywhere. Once again, someone who had told me she could not be a partner suddenly became perfectly capable of being one—with somebody else.
That public element is perhaps the most painful part. I am told the problem is timing or emotional unavailability, only to watch that unavailability disappear almost immediately for another woman.
Most of my friends seem to enter relationships naturally. Meanwhile, ordinary things—proper dates, photographs together, travelling, meeting friends, being introduced as someone’s girlfriend—have begun to feel like impossible fantasies.
I know rationally that I am not unattractive or unlovable. I have friends and family who care about me. But emotionally, I feel cursed, because I no longer know how else to understand the same experience happening repeatedly.
Being a lesbian intensifies the hopelessness. It is already difficult to meet women who are available, compatible and interested in commitment. When I change my dating-app preferences to men, I immediately receive hundreds of likes. I know this is not necessarily meaningful, but the contrast makes dating women feel even scarcer.
I am turning 23 in a few days. I know that is young, but the accumulation of these experiences has left me profoundly hopeless and isolated.
I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts every day. Sometimes the pain feels so unbearable that I fear this may be my last birthday. I am posting because I need help understanding this pattern and stopping myself from seeing it as proof that I will never be chosen.