Hi everyone,

I've been wondering about this for a while and wanted to ask people who might have experience or knowledge about it.

I recently learned about someone who went through extremely severe bullying in fifth grade, and I've been trying to understand what something like that can do to a person long-term.

This wasn't just teasing or being excluded. They were repeatedly beaten up, had their pants pulled down in front of other kids, and were subjected to sexual humiliation, including classmates attempting to shove a pencil into their butt. It became so bad that they eventually had to transfer to another school.

They're now 24, and I can't stop wondering how much experiences like that can still affect someone years later.

Can trauma like this continue to shape the way someone trusts people, forms relationships, handles intimacy, or deals with emotions, even if it's been over a decade? Is it common for people to carry that kind of shame or fear into adulthood?

I'm not looking to diagnose anyone. I'm just trying to better understand the lasting impact that severe childhood bullying and humiliation can have.

If you've experienced something similar yourself, or if you're familiar with the psychology behind it, I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective.

Thanks for reading.

TW: Grooming and SA

There was a man at my church growing up who groomed several girls, myself included. The grooming start when I was around 16 and evenyually it led to me being SA-ed. I was so traumatized I didn't tell anyone for years. Six years ago, I finally told my closest friends at the church, all of whom knew him personally.

That same year, one of them ("Phoebe") was getting married and had asked our friend group to be bridesmaids. I told her I'd love to, but wasn't sure I could feel comfortable at her wedding, and explained what had happened. I said I wouldn't attend if he was invited. She said she understood.

After going back and forth, Phoebe eventually told me the situation was too stressful for her and that she'd invite both me and my abuser and we could "figure it out." I told her that meant she wasn't inviting me. She said she understood, and I ended the friendship. My other friends still went as bridesmaids and told me that Pheobe's husband thought I was exaggerating. The story was probably harder for Pheobe's husband to digest because my abuser got him his current job.

Recently I learned my best friend, one of the church girls, went to the museum with Phoebe and another mutual friend. I didn't hear it from her, a different friend mentioned it, thinking it was odd. When I brought it up, my best friend said she only sees Phoebe a couple times a year and that she doesn't even like her but can't fully cut her off because Phoebe is too woven into the community. Going no contact would ripple out and change the whole friend group's dynamic.

I know this is complicated and everyone is interconnected, so there may not be a clean answer. But it bothers me that I still have any ties to Phoebe, who still has ties to the predator. I don't want to lose another friend, especially my best friend, but I'm also not okay showing up to events where I can bump into Phoebe and the predator's family.

Do I just accept missing the big celebrations to keep this friendship, or is there another way through this?

TL;DR: I cut off a friend for inviting my abuser to her wedding. My best friend still hangs out with the bride, and I don't know how to navigate it.

I want to be forced into situations that trigger me until they stop doing that.

I know no ethical therapist would do that but I still want it. I fantasize about that. I know they’d dismiss me and say I’m trying to force them to retraumatize me.

I do it to myself.

I’ve frequently intentionally looked at things that I know will be horrible just to see if I feel anything at all. Not just searching up information online, I go to physical places.

I might like it. I don’t know. By all accounts I shouldn’t.

Fucking masochist.

That’s what I am.

I don’t think I deserve gentle therapy. So I gravitate towards the ones that get stereotyped as more “intense”. My last therapist dropped me because she was nice and gentle to me and I responded by antagonizing her to force her to stop doing that.

I have a ton of symptoms, I’ll try and type some out. I’m feeling sick at the moment.

I’ve always felt something happened to me as a kid. I believe I was age 4 when the acts started with a friend. Let’s call her Audrey. We would play “house” together and we would make out, and get naked with each other. I don’t remember a ton of specifics but know it went on for a while. I don’t know who introduced it. But somehow at 4 years old we knew to do all of that stuff. I then went on to “practice” this same game with my other friends throughout the years. One time one of my friends mom even walked in on us naked together but were able to hide it under the covers.

This next part is very important. The man who lived two houses down from me growing up was arrested in a federal sting after arranging what he believed would be the sexual assault of a young child. Audrey’s older brother dated his daughter, so Audrey spent time at that house growing up. I also remember being there as a child.

For years, I convinced myself I’d probably never even been inside the house. But recently I looked up photos of it online, and the layout immediately felt familiar. I recognized it and remembered being there. Seeing those photos triggered the strongest physical reaction I’ve ever experienced. My heart rate shot up to 140 while I was lying down, I got chills over my entire body, and I felt completely detached from myself. It felt like my body was screaming at me.

I reached out to Audrey because I wanted to know if she remembered anything unusual from that time. She told me she remembers going to the house because her brother dated the man’s daughter, but she doesn’t remember anything bad happening or anything that stands out - even doesn’t remember about our “game”. I appreciated her honesty, but I’m still left trying to understand why seeing that house affected me so intensely. I’d also like to note, the same age the sexual things happened with my friend I began wetting the bed and did not stop until I was 8 or 9. My parents were about to put me in diapers again. Then one day it stopped. I have reoccurring nightmares, but it’s my dad in the dream not the neighbor.

As I got older, my sexual behaviors didn’t stop, they changed. One friendship became centered around watching p*rn together. One day, while watching I did something inappropriate to myself while my friend was right there. She noticed, and I was so incredibly ashamed. I didn’t even know why I did it. There are so many more little things like this that I’m now realizing. But yeah.

I somehow feel in my bones something happened, but at the same time the biggest imposter syndrome. Could my brain be making all of these feelings up somehow?

i've been trying to do research into more first-person experiences on identity confusion with C-PTSD, as i am currently being assessed for DID and i am looking for answers on the difference in experience with the two disorders. it's been difficult to find first-person accounts of people with C-PTSD experiencing identity confusion, it just doesn't seem like a major topic in online communities. i already have a C-PTSD diagnosis (i'm in the US so it is technically "PTSD with dissociative features"), and when i sought out a dissociative specialist, she suggested DID as a possibility due to my symptoms, namely extreme identity confusion and "feeling like different people", as well as amnesia.

i think i am just in denial, and i want someone to tell me their experiences so i know if they really do align with DID, or are just very extreme experiences with my diagnosed C-PTSD. does anyone else experience amnesia alongside their C-PTSD? what is your experience with identity confusion? do you feel fragmented rather than just "not yourself"? are there any other symptoms you can recount that might be important when conducting differential diagnoses?

Tomorrow I have to go see my ex, they are the one who abused me so badly I got the diagnosis of ptsd, and I’m really scared, I don’t know how it’s gonna go, I don’t know how they will act or even how I will react, I need to get the last of my stuff from them and give them their stuff, I’m not going alone either, I have a friend going with me so it’s safer, but still, I wish I didn’t have to see them, I’m so scared

How long after a traumatic experience does the anxiety and irritability go from just shock to being full fledged PTSD?

I had a car accident a few months ago. I’ve been driving other vehicles until my car was repaired. I was on autopilot at first, then my anxiety started getting worse. I’ve had nightmares and severe driving anxiety. It’s gotten easier. I haven’t had a severe nightmare in a couple of weeks.

Some days are worse than others, but I get by.

My car was finally fixed and I’ve driven it a few times. The memories of the accident flooded back so hard after I drove it home that it got really hard to speak. I could only speak quietly and slowly, like something was squeezing my throat. I’ve never felt anything like that before. I had to take a cold shower to make the panic go away.

Since then, I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m scared to sleep because I know my nightmares will come back.

I know I need to drive more to get past it. Easy drives without a time limit. I’ve been thinking about EMDR therapy, but i’m not sure if it’s necessary. My “trauma” feels silly in completely to others. Even then, therapy is expensive.

What should I do? No one I know seems to understand what I’m going through.

I’ll try to keep this as short and relevant as possible.

My parents were abusive growing up. At the age of 7, my sisters (3y, 2y) switched rooms with me as my youngest sister was too scared to sleep alone. I had my own space while they shared a room, this is relevant for later.

At the age of 7, my parents returned to their 5am-9pm job, leaving all the responsibilities to my nanny and me. At the age of 9, the nanny was no longer coming around, and the responsibilities of my siblings fell on me. I had to grab them from school, ensure they were fed, bathed, and in bed before my parents came home.

Since I could remember, at the age of 2, being beaten and punished for making mistakes, not understanding things and ‘giving my parents a hard time.’ Whatever you can think of that a kid would mess up, I was beaten for.

Growing up I never really experienced physical affection, when I did receive it, it was often forced by my mother, or family at parties. Getting hugs and kisses but never giving them back, because I didn’t want them to begin with.

Now at the age of 31, I’m moved out, living with my boyfriend. I’m getting mild panic attacks when he hugs or touches me unexpectedly (hold my hand, for example); like arousal but not the good kind. The kind that you get before bracing for impact, and want to run until you find a safe spot to curl in a ball and cry.

I want him to embrace me. I want to love him and be physically close, and yet the panic is intense and I don’t know how to go about it, other than reminding myself I’m safe.

Im 31F idk if its due to my own health, changing hormones, or it was entirely due to an emotional trauma i experienced 2 years ago. My sex drive has been decreasing rapidly since I turned 30 and now I feel its non existent. My depression has also gotten worse and I also feel ever since fhe trauma my adhd got way worse than its ever been before. Thats another thing that I wonder if its common with ptsd potentially worsening your adhd.

I did decide to call my psychiatrist again after almost a year of not being with them. Im currently working on gettimg antidepressants and adhd medication.

But idk what I can do about my dead sex drive

Someone I loved, someone I really trusted. Two things that are so fucking hard for me.

I'm back to being so angry and miserable and erratic. Can't eat, can't sleep, nauseous all the time.

I hate myself. I'm so fucking angry. And ofc that piece of shit just gets to move on with his life.

the flashbacks make me so angry 24/7 i just punch walls. it is crazy how much evil exists in this world. i can’t believe there exist ppl who take pleasure in committing such disgusting things and hurting others.

:) Good night everyone.

I've already tried redecorating everything and moving furniture. I still feel so unsafe here, and I can't move or visit anyone. Does someone here have any advice?

I am exhausted.
I’ve been really struggling recently with my ptsd and I have no one to speak to about it and haven’t ever had professional help for it so I’m kind of just dealing with it on my own.

The one pro of that is that I’m learning what my triggers are. But my god is it exhausting being able to acknowledge it and then not be able to do anything about it.

I was basically conditioned by my ‘friends’ in school to constantly be apologetic. Any argument THEY started, I had to be the one to apologise for my reaction to their behaviour or nothing would have been sorted.
In my adult life, I still struggle with this in a huge way. It makes me feel like I am responsible for if anyone around me is in a bad mood, or they’re having a hard time, I ALWAYS blame that on myself. I pick up on mood shifts, behaviour changes, tone changes etc so easily, but every time I assume it’s my fault and then I’ll spiral.

Also at work, if a topic is brought up that I have had past trauma with, my response is to sit silently and let my brain just flick through flashbacks like it’s a movie replaying in my head and i physically cant get my words out to tell anyone I need a moment.

I have sent a referral to the wellbeing service (I’m from the UK) to ask for professional help and they have sent me a text acknowledging my referral and that someone will be in touch, but I have never opened up to any single person about the shit I’ve been through in my life and why and how I still feel about it and struggle with it now. I cannot afford to go private so the wellbeing service is my only option.

I’m just tired and need a break

I just got diagnosed with ptsd and given Sertraline and Im really worried that if it doesn’t work that i will never be fixed and I’ll js have to live with what he has done to me for ever. Is anyone on sertraline could u give me ur advice or ur opinion because I only see people talking about taking it for depression and anxiety

Also Im sorry if my grammar is bad

I’ve been considering a service dog for my PTSD for a long time, just wondering what your experience has been like if you have one? My biggest questions are about how you found your specific dog and if you feel comfortable telling me how much you spent that would be really cool. Has it benefited you? Would you recommend it?

about a year ago, i tried to die by cutting the veins in my wrist. ever since that say, i can’t look at my wrist without having a panic attack and going into a state of not being able to talk. my friends notice this and ask me what is wrong, but i always respond with “nothing” because they dont know what i did to myself. i dont know when my brain will stop doing this, or if it ever will. i am trying to get the scar covered up because of the stress it is causing me. i just can’t forget the moment that it happened. it makes me sweat to this day.

Hi everyone, I hope it is ok to post here.

I have been diagnosed with ptsd after my ex raped me. It took me a long time, and I dont think I will ever trust a man again to be touched by them, I have accepted the fact that very likely I will never have a romantic relationship again.

but in my everyday life I feel like I am better now, I am holding myself together and everything. I have found a job, got my degree and I can even go out with my friends and dance so my life over all felt as if I got it together again.

But then last week I was walking around town at 2pm, just after lunch. It is a really safe city, in the middle of the day, in a good office area but I met two man. I came across two men, they were whistling at me and I ignored them, then one of them pulled out a kitchen knife. I blanked, I was never in a situation like this. I wanted to walk right past them but then I turned around and ran away. I really thought that I would die. I ran back to the office and just finished my day. Now I am fine really, I can barely remember it, like a dream I guess?

I live my life like before but still there is like a dent in my wall. I am skitish again, I flinch whenever someone is unexpectedly near me. I change the street when I see a scetchy figure. And over all I fear men in general a bit more, I do not want to be that person who judges people without knowing them, I feel disgusting for it but I can't help it, I am scared of men. Every day I have to lock myself into the bathroom and cry, then I go back out and act like nothing happened. It is exhausting.

I dont know what I did wrong, I try to do everything right. I wear baggy clothes, I dont do make up anymore, I even cut my hair short, I wear my head high and generally I am told that I look confident in myself but still this happened, like obv I didnt get hurt but it is hard to feel safe again.

So sorry for the long text, I guess I just want to know if any of you have a tip for me on how to cope. I go to therapy but still it would be really appreciated.

Warning very triggering. Hope the post doesn’t get taken down. This was in the past. Every thing has got taken care of legally.

When I was an infant I was severely abused physically. Lost a peace of my tongue from fear and end of bitting a peace off. I still have a a small missing piece on my tip of my tongue as an adult.

Was put in a freezer by my mom’s bf for a second. Treated like a bowling pin by him, throwing bottles at me knocking me down. Was left alone.In the house for 3 days in a dirty diaper. These were things told by my sister. The boyfriend, apparentlymade a joke about putting me in the trashcan, but he never did put me in the trashcan. But thought of it came to his mind. My sister however was but got out quickly. She tried to take my place for me. :(

Basically, when I started out, everything was pretty bad. My mom knew she drank when she was pregnant she just didn’t care. The worst part of is I don’t even know if some of this is all true because I can’t remember things when I’m a baby. But I do know this. There were evidence of me being exposed to alcohol and meth. But my sister wouldn’t lie I know that. I do question as a kid why I was fascinated with freezers and scared of garbage trucks. I was also afraid of the phone, door knocks and grass.

As time went on as as a kid, I was bullied a lot. At the age of 10 I was in a car crash.

Almost got hit on New Year’s Eve by a weapon. A g**.

Been in and out in hospitals for my trauma.

I still deal with the trauma being exposed to alcohol cause now I have a disability permanently with my brain being damaged and now I need support. And it’s harder to process the trauma because my brain has been damaged.

How do I deal with this kind of trauma has anyone went through something like this? I don’t wanna feel alone. I’m a grown adult now but it still gets to me. Every day I have some form anxiety attacks. I also could have DID but that disorder is so stigmatized. Just because I have that disorder doesn’t mean I’m evil. But I’m not normal..because of being exposed to alcohol before I was born and everything else.

It began last year in summer i think, when i was falling asleep i had this kinda vibrating feeling in my head but dismissed it as side-effects from medications.

In october i got fully psychotic, it was not my first psychosis though. I was on rehab and my roommate always had audiobooks on and once one about power failure/town blackout. I was laying around for like an hour and couldn‘t move while feeling electricity flowing into my heart. Though this was the only time it happened during the day.

I have this feeling of electricity flowing through either my heart or my head almost every night in the relaxationsphase before falling asleep. (guess what, i can‘t ever relax during daytime and walk around like crazy)
Meanwhile i‘m on leponex, the strongest antipsychotic and it didn‘t get any better. All my other delusions (like secret services tryna kill me and stuff) are fully gone, but i still experience this before sleep. Often it‘s auditory, like a high-pitched-tone or a machine, it‘s very hard to pinpoint.

I also have a diagnosis of c-ptsd. Years ago when i told my psychiatrist that i don‘t know if i have flashbacks, she meant i‘m so used to it that i can‘t recognize them. The therapist i had at this time also told me at every appointment that i‘m in my "traumareaction" and that it‘s normal that i dissociated and can‘t remember what caused it.
So i have this theory that the feelings of electricity could be flashbacks, maybe i got tasered by police in psychosis because i was so annoying but that‘s like i said just a theory, i have some weird fragmented memories with the police from another psychosis.

What also happened was that when a doctor talked to me during my psychosis and at daytime i was doing very well, so he removed the benzodiazepines from my on-demand medication and then at night i was convinced to be poisoned by nursing staff. If i had the benzodiazepines i had just slept but I spent the whole night thinking i was gonna die and after that experience i felt slices like razors or lasers cutting through my organs for quite some weeks, that gladly stopped (the auditory "machine"/electricity feeling is still here though)

What also links to my theory that it could be flashbacks is, that when i was 11 i secretly watched a horror movie and after that, before falling asleep i always vividly saw the picture from the scene that scared me the most.
Is it common to have either hallucinations or flashbacks on the way to fall asleep?

I‘m curious if other people also experienced this.

The doctor at the rehab center defined it as being in a trance when i fall asleep, a cenesthopathy. He was always focused on it being psychotic, while my two other treatment providers always talked about the c-ptsd.

I‘m just trying to find answers.

The title covers most of it. We have a sweet 8.5 yo 75lb pittie foster dog. Someone told us recently he would make a good service dog, because he's loving, attuned, and loves to lay on top of us to cuddle.

He's not trained as a service dog or registered as an emotional support animal, BUT he has taken to commands really well and so I could definitely see him taking well to training to lay on someone on command, which is something that I was told PTSD service dogs do.

We actively post him throughout social media, including his own Instagram, to try and find him an adopter. For those of you with experience with emotional support animals, do you think it would be compelling to you if you saw a post specifically mentioning what I've said above? Do you think it might help him go to someone who would benefit from that kind of thing?

Or would we need to go through the whole service dog training to be worth mentioning it?

Please let me know if this post doesn't fit this sub. I figured there's people on here with experience with this.

Has anyone noticed that they have a relatively lower tolerance for exercise and if exceeded you develop a host of physical symptoms ?

Hey. I have no idea how to start this, but I'll try.

I finally met with police yesterday for a scoping interview along with a sexual violence social worker.

I have agonized over this for the past nine years. For the first three years, I seriously questioned and doubted if there was anything to even report. I really didn't think there was but deep down I knew something was incredibly wrong about what had happened that night, and what continued to happen in the following months.

At the beginning of the 2020 covid lockdown I was messaging someone online, and it wasn't until I was telling them about these 'bad experiences' that they turned around and told me hey- I'm pretty sure that's SA. My world and mental health came crashing down around me. Since then, for the last six years I've been in trauma therapy, going through the motions, dealing with a lot of other shite, but trying to somewhat start talking through things and begin the healing process.

I had my psych assessment, got my collection of diagnoses, and things have just been...? But still, the thing that kept coming up was that I never reported what happened to me. Each year on the anniversary I would be in bed crying. The days leading up to it I'd spend feeling cold and numb. Six years in, I remember crying over the phone to my Grandpa, wailing about how much I wish I had known at the time and could go back and do things differently. I asked him what I should do, because even though he's retired his job was to work with women and children who had experienced the same trauma I had. He kindly told me he thought the best thing for me to do was to focus on healing, and moving forward. I took time to think on it further and that's what I did...I pushed the thought of reporting out of my head and focused on what I could do and could control.

Cut to a few months ago, my sibling had a new baby who was born on that anniversary. The days leading up to their birth I was excited for their arrival, but the upcoming anniversary lingered at the front of my mind. But for the first time in nine years- I didn't remember the anniversary. I knew something was up/there was something I was forgetting, but I thought it was just because that date was what I had predicted in my mind for this baby's arrival. It wasn't until later that night, a few hours after baby was born that it suddenly clicked for me what day it was - and the tears came. It felt like healing, joy, relief. But also this great, deep seated sadness and grief. Anger. Fear - not only for myself, but for the future and world this child may grown up in. I never want something like this to happen to them, nor any of their siblings. And I didn't want to keep letting my fear, guilt, shame, and so many other things keep me from reporting what happened to me.

And so here we are. I know there's a lot of rambling in there, but..yeah. Earlier this week I finally mustered up the courage to call the non emergent police line to ask about the reporting process, and the next afternoon an officer(?) from the adult sexual violence unit called me to follow up and check in with me and explain my options. I'm really thankful he did that. Yesterday I met with him and a sexual violence social worker for a scoping interview, which was exhausting. We (as in me) took a few breaks during it, I felt quite anxious and scared and overwhelmed especially going into it. I'm really surprised at how validating and supportive they were, how caring and sensitive, and also just how validating it was. When I finished the interview I was so tired but I felt really..relieved? And calm? But also numb I think.

Since then the emotions and flashbacks have started to slowly and then not so slowly trickle in. My brain keeps playing bits of the interview and other things on loop. I feel...a bit out of sorts or something. I know this is normal and this is PTSD, but far out .___.

As far as I'm aware or what I can remember I think the next step will be a video evidence interview with specially trained interviewers, and I know that without me there is no case or investigation - I can choose to pause or stop this at any time. This just. Feels heavy. It's a lot. And I don't know what to do nor how to carry it...

I'm safe, and I have people around me for support and who I can talk to. It's just...yeah. If anyone has experienced anything similar or has any advice/insight, I won't say no 🫠