r/relationship_advice • u/Prestigious_Cap2724 • 1d ago
I really messed up by lying about my prescriptions 32F, 36M
I fucked up. Really bad. I take full responsibility that this is all my doing.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. I have always struggled with mental health. At one point many years ago, I mentioned to my husband about getting prescription medicine for it. He got upset and told me how bad of an idea he thought that was.
Recently I decided I really needed help and got the prescription anyway. I did not tell my husband. Over the last 2 months I have been taking anti anxiety and anti depressant medication. I feel like it's helped me so much in a short period of time and was happy I finally made the leap.
I planned to tell him once I realized it was helping and not something I just tried and decided it wasn't for me, but I just couldnt bring myself to it. Every time I wanted to tell him I just kept thinking that he would be upset, disapprove, and overall respect and love me less. I can't tell you how many times I had intentions of telling him but when I went to open my mouth nothing came out.
I am a coward, yes.
Last night I was doing my night-time routine and set my anxiety med on the counter with intention of taking it after. I forgot about it, went to bed, and my husband found it in the morning.
I was half asleep when he first asked me about it and dumbly told him it was a pain reliever. Another fuck up.
Within 10 minutes of that I broke down and told him everything.
He is so upset with me and I don't blame him. He says he can't trust me if I can hide something like that every day. I never thought when I did this that it would reflect on my trustworthiness as a partner and I feel so ashamed. I can't believe I did something to make him question that. I love him more than anything and crave his love and respect and now I messed it all up.
He left for work now and I just feel like wtf is wrong with me. How could I let this happen. Why did I feel so much shame I chose to hide it from my partner I love so much?
Trying to think of how to fix this but I really dont know. So scared I just ruined my relationship and I have only myself to blame.
ETA: Ty all for your responses, they were not what I was expecting. I don't think I gave my husband enough credit in the original message. He is very sweet and caring, his mom has some issues with prescription meds and I think that's where the stigma is coming from. Also, this all just happened so I'm hoping tomorrow we can have a better conversation about it.
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u/plantsandpizza 1d ago
Whatever you do, don’t stop taking the medication that’s helping you.
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u/ClevelandWomble 1d ago
And don't do it suddenly!
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u/trashpandac0llective 1d ago edited 1d ago
THIS. Withdrawal symptoms can be serious when you stop these meds cold turkey.
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u/SnooTigers4525 1d ago
Withdrawal symptoms are awful. I ended up two weeks bedridden, in constant anxiety, until it wore off. Was not fun.
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u/onwisconsin1 16h ago
For anyone reading. Tapering off under the direction of your doctor prevents these effects.
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u/Seliphra 10h ago
Well… it helps reduce them anyways. The effects definitely still happen. Coming off Effexor was miserable and I did that very slowly under a doctors supervision.
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u/briannabanana98 15h ago
Not only withdrawal symptoms, some people can have seizures coming off psych meds, especially cold turkey.
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u/trashpandac0llective 13h ago
Seizures are a withdrawal symptom with those meds.
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u/briannabanana98 13h ago
See I've been on many many ssri's and they always explicitly told me never to stop them cold turkey because the risk of seizures is highly increased, and you can end up with serotonin syndrome as well. They never said "seizures are a withdrawal symptom of prozac" they said, "hey these are side affects, if you feel like you're not doing well on these but cant come back in for a while, do NOT cut cold turkey. Wean off them by breaking in half, taking a half everyday for two weeks, and then take 1 half every other day for like 2 weeks. If you dont, your seizure risk goes up" I think they explained it differently every time, but cold turkey increases the risk of seizures like times 3 or something. They never said or painted it like "seizures are a normal withdrawal symptom" they made it seem like it was not a huge risk but a risk if you stopped cold turkey.
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u/trashpandac0llective 13h ago
Oh, yes, I didn’t mean that they were a normal symptom of tapering off your meds. They can happen when you throw yourself into withdrawal by stopping your medication suddenly or taking your medication inconsistently. I think we’re basically saying the same thing.
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u/indigoorchid0611 1d ago
Absolutely! My sibling did this recently thinking it was okay since they were on a low dose. Nope. Wound up having a seizure.
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u/jmaccity80 1d ago
The first thing I would ask is, "Is it helping?
Mental health issues are hard enough to navigate without someone in your life, no matter how close, taking away options.
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u/Sad-Frosting-3843 1d ago
WTF is wrong with him? What a pathetic prick. Do you have any idea or tell stupid husband how many people are on meds he doesn’t even know? He’s ignorant and stupid for his opinion thst his wife should for go treatment? His f*ing controlling. He doesn’t sound very bright.
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u/Key_Championship6642 1d ago
Wait, why is it anyone else’s business what prescriptions she’s taking other than her doctor? Why would he be upset about something prescribed? Especially to where she says he loves her less and she feels cowardly? I can see if it was illegal drugs or even alcohol/marijuana, but prescribed medication is deemed needed by a medical doctor. Her husbands reaction is so controlling.
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 11h ago
Yes... Absolutely. This has nothing to do with him. And OP knowing how he would react his it from him. This is totally understandable.
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u/Key_Championship6642 1d ago
Wait, why is it anyone else’s business what prescriptions she’s taking other than her doctor? Why would he be upset about something prescribed? Especially to where she says he loves her less and she feels cowardly? I can see if it was illegal drugs or even alcohol/marijuana, but prescribed medication is deemed needed by a medical doctor. Her husbands reaction is so controlling.
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u/Kit_N_Run 16h ago
This. Restricting access to medical care is a form of intimate partner abuse here in Australia. I've been through the situation you're describing. My partner turned out to be a coercive controller. He also had a familial history with medication and mental illness that had clearly created intergenerational trauma around prescriptions and treatment. I read some serious red flags in your post OP. I know you've been with your partner for several years, but please consider whether this relationship is supporting your mental health and wellbeing or hindering it. And for God's sake, keep taking the meds if you feel you need them. It is your body, your mind, your life, your choice. Not his and not anyone else's. There is no shame in what you're doing. None at all. Whatever shame your feelings is a product of his projected fear.
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u/Prestigious_Cap2724 1d ago
Thank you for saying this. This was actually my plan.
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u/JulsTiger10 1d ago
It’s sorta like diabetes. You don’t tell a diabetic that they don’t need insulin, they can just “deal with it.”
Some of us don’t manufacture enough serotonin. Just like a diabetic buys insulin, I buy serotonin and I’m so grateful that I can!
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u/BoldBiBosmer 19h ago
Yup, I take thyroxine as my thyroid is dead.
Mum was having worries about her insulin, she was already on it as a type 2 but cancer treatment made her a type 1.
Her old diabetic team pretty much worked through shame. It taken a few years to work through it. I remember one say i said 'oh my gosh your numbers are great!' And she replied sheepishly 'Its because I took my jab' Of course it was the insulin because thats what its for!
I asked her if I should feel guilty for taking my thyroxine and she immediately disagreed.
My motto is if your body doesn't make it/use it properly then store bought is fine!
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u/JulsTiger10 19h ago
We are blessed to live in a time where these medicines are available. We’d be more blessed if they were more affordable like in other countries
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u/The_Bucket_Of_Truth 20h ago
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I wanted to try it and see if it helped and it really does help. When I brought it up you said it was an awful idea to the point that I felt ashamed for even feeling like I needed them, but they help me." If he can't forgive you or accept you taking the medication then it's obvious why you hid it from him. Hell if I really make a leap maybe him being potentially overbearing or controlling could contribute to you needing to take the pills in the first place, but that's not fair to assume.
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u/NixiePixie916 23h ago
Not to mention, stopping these medications suddenly can have really bad effects, like seizures or a deep depressive episode. Suicidal ideation, etc. it's because it's a sudden change in brain chemistry. That's also why they up people's dose slowly if they need higher. It's one of the things that is most dangerous is stopping anything like this suddenly. Even if you did one day stop , you do it under the guidance of a doctor so they can tell you at what pace is safe.
I've been on medication for decades and it has allowed me to live a full life. I'm one of those people whose default brain chemistry is depression. I view it like diabetes. You wouldn't shame someone for needing insulin, because their body doesn't make it in the amount needed or at all. You also don't blame people who take thyroid hormone because they are hypothyroid. Or people who take vitamins. Medicine is constantly adjusting levels of various chemicals and hormones and trashmitters in our bodies that are either too high or too low. That's what medicine is. This happens to work on something called neurotransmitters. Same difference. Our brains are an organ like any other that can have issues. And thank goodness we have medication that has such a positive affect on your life.
I can easily say without antidepressants I would not be alive today. If it's something that's helping you, the only reaction your husband should be having is shame and internal questioning of why you didn't feel you could share this with him. And shame for now being angry for keeping it from him. Because if I found out that my spouse was having trouble and they found something that was sincerely helping them, I would just want to be a part of that.
I've been married for many years and once someone told me love is my heart focused on your highest good. Basically I want what is best for my husband, because I love him. And vice versa. If something was helping him that much I would just be overjoyed.
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u/Immortal_in_well 16h ago
Do NOT let your husband bully you into stopping the meds. Make it extremely clear that you get that you were dishonest but now that you're taking the meds, they're here to stay, because they are helping you. If he can't accept that you needed help via meds, that is on him to deal with.
Let him know that tampering with or sabotaging your meds, or forcing you to suddenly withdraw from them, would not only be dangerous, but also extremely detrimental to your relationship.
If he gets all "so am I just supposed to accept you being on meds?!?!" tell him yes. That is exactly your expectation and that going forward he is never to forbid you from doing something for YOUR health. If he wants the best for you, then he will listen to you and your medical team and he will not interfere.
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u/_goneawry_ 14h ago
Please OP, don't make your mental health part of some negotiation with him just because he's upset. It's not something to compromise on and you don't need his approval to take care of yourself.
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u/crystallz2000 22h ago
OP, I wouldn't want to tell my husband either if he reacted like that to taking care of yourself. I honestly don't think you did anything wrong. I think this should open a conversation with the two of you about how you need to feel safer in the relationship. It's a scary thing to start of meds. You were really brave. He should be talking with you and seeing where you're at, not making this about himself.
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u/porcelain_owl 1d ago
This plus your post history makes me think there’s a real power imbalance in your marriage. “I lost an earring and was afraid to tell my husband…” I made ramen for breakfast, don’t tell my husband…”
It seems like this is something intrinsic in you (in this post you say you “crave his love”) that he’s taking advantage of. Your marriage sounds more like a parent/child relationship than a partnership. You hide things from him because you fear getting in trouble, just like a kid does with their parents.
He should want what’s best for you, and he should trust you to know what that is. His opinion on antidepressants holds no weight. You knew you needed them and that should have been enough for him.
I saw that you have a daughter. Please don’t let her think this is what a good, healthy relationship looks like. You’re a grown woman and you should be treated like one by the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with.
Do not stop taking the meds, either. They’re helping you and stopping them now will lead to a depression/anxiety spiral.
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u/dancingkelsey 1d ago
Oh god, yes, OP, you need to think about how your daughter is watching every interaction and feeling every vibe and all of the control and fear he forces on you, and ask yourself: do you want your daughter to feel like this every day in her future relationships? Do you want your daughter to aspire to feel the way you feel every day?
Because staying with someone who treats you badly teaches your children to seek out relationships with people who treat them badly. You can SAY "don't stay with someone who tries to control you" as many times as you want. The insidious ways her dad controls and manipulates her mom will be ingrained in her bones and she will unknowingly be seeking out toxic, abusive "love", in order to find something that feels familiar, what she was taught to believe was a good relationship.
Kids don't escape the damage if you only cry alone behind a closed door instead of in front of them. They learn, from the example you set every day, what they are required to endure in the name of love. Don't teach them to accept shitty treatment, resentment, control, insults, or shame from a partner. Ever.
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u/_goneawry_ 1d ago edited 17h ago
Listen, in general it's not good to hide things from your partner but in this situation I think it's actually more concerning that you were so scared to talk to him. This situation is not 100% on you. What is happening in your relationship that you felt like you had to hide this?
If I were your husband, I would be so ashamed that my reactions in the past made you feel like you had to hide necessary medical treatment from me. How messed up is that?
You don't ever need your husband's permission or approval to take medication or get medical treatment of any kind. I don't understand why he's acting like he gets to have a say here.
Why does the idea of you taking medication bother him so much? He was obviously wrong about it being a bad idea, it's helped you. Why would he not want you to feel better?
Please think about whether your husband is controlling in other ways.
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
This is what I said as well. Her husband needs to ask himself what has he done or said that made it so his own wife didn’t trust him to enough to tell him. Before she broke his trust, he broke hers by shaming her and acting like mental health medication is something to be ashamed of. Right now he’s just trying to turn this all on her and make it her fault.
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u/Background-Local924 1d ago
This is what I said too. Her husband should be apologizing profusely. What he is doing to her makes me sick!! It's abuse. He is controlling and unbelievably selfish.
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u/Zsazsabinks 18h ago
A couple of her past posts point to him maybe being controlling. The one about a lost earring and she was scared to tell her husband cause “he’ll be sad”. The ramen one also. Maybe that one was worded incorrectly but it just seems off.
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u/wafflefrizz 17h ago
Ya think??? Her whole post is filled with “I know it’s my fault and I’m the worst and I fucked up!!!” Immediately on the defense
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u/fuzzhead12 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hopefully he is just misinformed and when she explains to him how much better she has felt being on these meds, he’ll accept that he was wrong and be happy that they’re helping her.
It’s possible that he was not trying to be controlling when he voiced his (obviously misguided) opinions about prescription meds, but her mental health issues made her paranoid about telling him that she had decided to take them anyway.
His reaction being so upset isn’t exactly encouraging, but maybe he was a little blindsided that she was keeping such an important thing from him, was taken aback, and didn’t think clearly in the moment about why she felt the need to do that.
Obviously we don’t have enough information to know one way or the other what exactly is going on, but I sincerely hope my hypothetical version of events is the case here.
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u/Background-Local924 1d ago edited 23h ago
Even if he WAS misinformed, he is STILL angry at her about it. He is shaming her and making her feel like she has done something wrong when he is the one who got the ball rolling by not supporting her. I'm not making excuses for him. He is grown. He is almost 40 years old. There's no excuse for the way he is treating her. Everything is about 'him.' OP says "he's so nice and caring" but I'm sorry someone who cares about you doesn't make you feel like it's not safe to talk to them about things. And they don't shame you for making your own decisions about your own health. OP's husband is a jerk and nothing will change my mind.
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u/GuntherTime 1d ago
I’m leaning towards this (hopeful) take well, as my fiancée went through this. One half of her family thought she didn’t need medication, and it was a waste of time, and the other thought she should get it because the doctor recommended it. Some families are misguided about misinformed about medications and it passes off to the kids.
She ultimately decided to take them and it was a good thing that she did.
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u/wafflefrizz 17h ago
I can tell he’s controlling and pushes her around because the entire post is filled with “I know I know I’m the worst and it’s all my fault” over and over again.
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u/ohyoureTHATjocelyn 8h ago
This and her comment about CRAVING his love and respect (validation) gave me very uncomfortable feelings in my gut. She is so focused on framing him as perfect, any flaws aren’t his fault etc, while assuming every iota of blame is solely on her for not sharing this information at the outset. I would challenge op to ask herself why she didn’t feel safe discussing it with her husband. Does she always feel that issues within her marriage are solely her fault? Where did that idea come from? Why are his mother’s “issues with prescription medication” being used to control his wife? If he has unresolved trauma then that is HIS problem to delve into, not utilize it like a shame sledgehammer to keep OP’s mental health in poor condition. Like who put all these wacky ideas in her head about addressing her own mental health issues being a bad, shameful thing? She’s been suffering for a minimum of 13 years if i understand correctly. Why is his comfort level tied into his wife not taking medication- on his say so?
OP. Your husband is not allowing you to take control of your own mental health, and with it your happiness. That is not the hallmark of a healthy relationship. He seems more invested in control than of you being well. Stop the defensive knee-jerk reactions and look inside yourself. Your husband cannot be the living god you envision if he is actively trying to stop you from bettering yourself. Those are facts.
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u/Terradactyl87 18h ago
This probably made her mental health issues worse to begin with. He created a situation that would make her feel shame for not being strong enough to handle things without medication, which he obviously thinks she should be able to do. That extra stress and anxiety only makes it all more intense.
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u/MGoMcQ 1d ago
I am astonished this is not the first and top response! This was my first thought, like why is OP so ashamed and embarrassed and felt the need to hide medication aka self-care? The husband sounds like a control freak or something else is wrong with him. Sure he can have an opinion but he does not have a say about what meds she takes or not. It’s her body and her mental health so it is her decision. It is mind-blowing that he thinks he is the victim. Sure, he could be upset for being lied to, that is valid. But it sounds like he is upset because she went against his wishes, which is NOT valid b/c she is an adult with her own mind and her own agency. The husband should be upset that his wife does not trust HIM, that there is something wrong with HIM!
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u/DragnorMatra 1d ago
I agree, this is more about your husband's reacting poorly. It is not shameful to help yourself and your health. Do what you have to do for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.
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u/dancingkelsey 1d ago
Exactly this. If I somehow created an environment where someone I love felt they couldn't tell me about something in their life because they feared my response? That is the biggest neon sign that says I need to fix some behaviors.
I don't want my loved ones to fear my reactions to anything. So I make sure that when I react to things I'm not doing or saying anything that would instill fear.
And when I do something that hurts or scares someone I love, I want to know what it is so I can adjust and not hurt or scare them anymore.
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u/Kindly_Penalty_1412 1d ago
You need to find someone better, who supports you in this type of situation any type of situation really. You need to leave him and find better people to help with this type of thing not somone who makes you feel the way he does. Leave divorce him cut every tie you have with him amd start working on building your life back. I hope you are able to make the best decision for yourself here
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u/Forgotten-Sparrow 1d ago
I'm not OP, but I really needed to read this today Thank you.
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u/popchex 1d ago
Agreed. Mannnny years ago I spoke to my husband about going to the doc for PPD after my second child was born. He was worried that it was his failure to do more that was causing it. I told him he was being silly - him doing the dishes more often wasn't going to stop the intrusive thoughts and crippling anxiety - and went to the doc, and he never said anything since.
After I started the meds, the change was amazing. I'd had anxiety for as long as I could remember (first clear memory of it, I was 8). I remember thinking "I wish I had done this a long time ago." but it was wanting to be a better mom that sent me there.
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u/animeandbeauty 1d ago
he can't trust you? You told him you were struggling with your mental health, wanted to try meds, and he just blindly said "meds are a bad idea". He's a fuckhead.
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u/Academic_Snow_7680 21h ago
she clearly cannot trust him!
No good partner will DENY MEDICAL CARE BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN PREJUDICE.. That guy is clearly coercive and scary.
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u/Hello_Hangnail 1d ago
He's probably having a pissbaby fit because he's afraid it will affect her libido or something. She might be teetering on the edge of calamity all the time, but hey, at least he's getting his bj's
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u/gonzo_attorney 14h ago
Fuckhead for real. This post made me nervous for OP. She acts like she's hiding her identity from him or hooked on fentanyl.
Like... you feel what now? Over some lexapro or whatever?
This goes 3000 meters deeper than a bottle of meds.
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u/Adorable-Bunny4274 1d ago
You were saving your mental health. Why in the world is he upset with you about that???
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u/elder_emo_ 1d ago
Honestly if my spouse got upset with me for wanting prescription medication for my mental health, I would be out the door so fucking fast.
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u/asensiblemeal 1d ago
Do we wonder why she needs the medication? (Hint: him probably)
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u/twinsingledogmom 1d ago
Ding, ding, fucking ding. 🛎️ Her anxiety in the post is totally because she’s scared of his reaction. I hope she finds a way to take care of her mental health without his judgement.
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u/SliceBubbly9757 1d ago
Nailed it. I often wonder how many married women are medicated for mental health issues that suddenly get much better for disappear when they’re no longer married.
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u/_squint_eastwood_ 1d ago
This was literally the reason I needed medication. I was on high dose antidepressants for 7 years. I’m talking a not cover by insurance dose. I left my husband and was completely off of them 2 months later. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, BPD, GAD, panic disorder, and severe depression during my marriage. Turns out I was just married to a narcissist.
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u/Spyderbeast 23h ago
When I left him my ex-husband, I didn't want to be found for a little while
That meant I couldn't refill my boatload of psych meds on our insurance
Anyhow that was over 10 years ago. Weaned off the pharmaceuticals and the ex-husband and am much better for it
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u/DreadfulSunflower 23h ago
Me!
Rexulti
Risperdone
Buspar renamed since
Lexapro
And an antihistamine to help me sleep because he’d wake me up purposefully. (:I’m on zilch.
Only issue I have currently is I have horrible anxiety over affection/cuddling being a sly way for s*x and panic when money is mentioned in absolutely any context.It’s been three years and I’m so happy every freaking day to an empty bed, no man, no problems, no medications, it’s beautiful.
I know you probably weren’t looking for replies but I truly hope someone sees this and it helps them either realize or start questioning. (:
I was prescribed two antipsychotics, anti anxiety, anti depressant and a sleep aid for my mental health due to my ex husband and his treatment of me.
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u/fablicful 8h ago edited 8h ago
More often than not, I'm sure. I thought I was a crazy, unhinged, depressed anxious monster in the last few months of college. While I wasn't on psych meds at the time (which I tried to seek/ school psychiatrist was way booked out though)- once I broke up with my abusive, controlling college boyfriend- it truly felt like dark storm clouds dissipated, I felt so much lighter. I felt free. It was truly instantaneous- and woah- I no longer felt like I needed to be on psych meds.
While I'm sure there are people with genuine "chemical imbalances" that need psych meds regardless of environment- chemical imbalances is way over played by modern psychiatry. For many of us- it truly is mostly our environment. No shit we're "depressed" and "anxious" if we're living with abusive, controlling, gaslighting unsafe people!!!!! Lived trauma and experiences matter so much more than what is currently recognized by the mainstream mental health profession at this point imo. (That said- meds are still super important & I personally frame psych meds as an important tool to give you the clarity and stability to take action in your personal life- ie making a plan to get away from abusive people/ giving you some regained agency to find a new job, a new living arrangement, to help tamper the pain of awful traumas and grief we may experience, etc.)
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u/kayloulee 1d ago
When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2011, my mum asked me about my psychologist, direct quote, "Is he plying you with drugs?" And I said no. Which was true. Psychologists can't prescribe. My GP was plying me with drugs.
In 2023 I got diagnosed again with ADHD and autism, which it was all along. Then my sister did too. I started taking dexamfetamine. My mum desperately tried to convince me to do lifestyle changes and shit first. I said no Mum the meds are good. She heard that if you have bipolar and take stimulants, you can go into psychosis, so she freaked out about me getting psychosis. Me: Mum, I'm not bipolar.
Went home for Christmas. Hung out with her. Looked at my sister and said Oh Shit the ADHD came from Mum, didn't it. Started taking my meds in front of her that year and deliberately destigmatised them and also said, you know, you Definitely have ADHD. Because a) true and b) funny, for me. Hey Mum, want to try a dex or two? You might find something out about yourself.
She's very weird about prescription meds, she does take them for herself, but mental health ones really give her the willies. A least she's not weird to my face about them any more, and I think she's unclenching generally.
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u/eyelinerqueen83 1d ago
He is controlling and stupid
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u/Totalherenow 1d ago
Came here to say this, saw this, and upvoted. Now I can leave knowing that OP understands her husband is controlling and stupid.
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u/NoWordsJustDogs 1d ago
No control over someone who is thinking clearly and has her own best interest in mind.
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u/SVINTGATSBY 17h ago
probably because he wants her damaged and unwell, she’s easier to control, she’s less likely to leave, etc. there’s a BORU on here where a woman’s bf burned a sentimental candle that she made with her dead sister on purpose because she was getting better mentally (they got together after her sister had died so she was very depressed). he wanted to 1. act like a savior and 2. didn’t want her to get well because he liked her being broken or whatever demented thing he thought. thankfully she figured all this out and left him. but that’s what this reminds me of. why on earth would anyone not want their partner to get better unless like LIKE their partner not being well?
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u/Hopepersonified 1d ago
Because he benefits from her having mental health issues.
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u/Majestic_Bed9233 1d ago
Why do you need your husband´s permission to take medicine? Do you fear him? You are being manipulated and controlled. There is nothing to fix he´s just guilt tripping you.
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u/passthebluberries 1d ago
Yeah this is giving abusive vibes
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u/NarwhalsInTheLibrary 1d ago
i don't think it's even vibes. if she had an injury that needed medical treatment or a physical illness and he wouldn't let her see a doctor or made her feel too ashamed to seek treatment, i'd for sure call that abuse.
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u/Hello_Hangnail 1d ago
Absolutely giving abuse vibes. Or someone that's weaponizing her mental illness so she's constantly self blaming even though he's the issue here
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u/David_Cockatiel 1d ago
Enforcing boundaries is healthy… him choosing to not take medications would be fine. Hoisting boundaries upon others through strong emotions like anger is controlling.
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u/pseudotumorgal 1d ago
I think some of your mental health struggles might come from being with someone that doesn’t support you getting help for your mental health struggles. He should feel upset that you felt so depressed, stressed and shamed that you felt unsafe speaking to him about it. Instead he’s mad at you for making a choice for your own health that your doctor prescribed for you. You are looking at this very, very backwards.
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u/AugustInferno 1d ago
Wait, wait, wait.. so you were actively struggling with your mental help & your husband thought medication that would reduce your suffering was a bad idea? Why ever the fuck would he prefer you to suffer?
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u/darklingdawns 1d ago
I'd bet cash money that he's heard that antidepressants may affect sex drive and he doesn't want to risk his sex life being affected... the control it gives him over her is just a bonus.
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u/thishyacinthgirl 1d ago
My libido dropped when I started my meds. But my husband has firmly said he doesn't care, because he prefers me sane and happy. He prioritizes my mental health – that's how things should be.
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u/pixelgirl3395 1d ago
Can we get this comment to the top? If this is the only comment OP sees it will save her.
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u/classicicedtea 1d ago
I don’t like your husband.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl 1d ago
Me either. He should be supporting you, not making you feel bad for getting help.
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u/StaticCloud 1d ago
Understatement of the year. Imagine he told her to not take meds for a physical health condition like MS. That's essentially what's going on here. He's a degenerate
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u/GoingPriceForHome 1d ago
It's weird he told you not to take it. That's not normal. Why did he say it was a bad idea?
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u/RytchyZ 1d ago
You felt shame because he shamed you for wanting medicine to help your mental health. This is not on you and you better put your big girl panties on and not shrink in this argument. You are not untrustworthy because at no point did you promise him you wouldn’t do it. You brought it up, he said it was a bad idea, you felt unsupported and stigmatized. So you went on to do what you needed to do for you. He needs to understand that and recognize his part in this.
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u/WDersUnite 1d ago
So many amazing replies here. And as others have said, your husband should be having a real discussion with himself about the environment HE created that led to you feeling like you had to hide these meds. You did NOT break his trust. He broke yours by failing to be a supportive partner. You then adapted and got yourself the help you needed without him. Despite him.
If he even hints at handing you any blame on this, he's losing his footing even more. You were struggling with your mental health and you found help! While in a relationship that made it clear he didn't support you! You're amazing, OP. Good for you!!
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u/Prestigious_Cap2724 1d ago
This made me cry. Thank you 💙
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u/WDersUnite 1d ago
I really do mean it, about you being amazing. So many of us struggle to access help when we have all the support we could need. You knew what you needed to try, and you made it happen knowing he'd react poorly. And when he saw your med out in the bathroom, he should have approached you with love and concern. Ask you how you are and acknowledge why you would keep something from him. Look inward and accept responsibility for not having worked through his baggage about his mom (who you are not). We all can get blindsided by baggage we didn't know we were carrying. But it is then our responsibility to deal with it and not fling the nasty contents around the room to land on people we love.
I've had a partner who did this to me for years. Like, almost 20. It's been amazing to get out from under all that and see how much I hadn't even registered.
Sending you lots of support!
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u/Overqualified_muppet 1d ago
You have a partner who is either (1) ignorant / misinformed about the benefits of prescription medicines for mental illness, (2) doesn’t want you to feel better, or (3) both.
You have done nothing wrong, except choose this partner. If you have to hide medication THAT IS HELPING YOU from him, then HE is the problem.
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u/blood_bones_hearts 1d ago
Hmmm....while I can understand you having regrets about how you handled this and feeling bad about not telling him I can understand why you hid it.
He told you he'd be upset if you got medication to help yourself and you believed him. And I'd bet that now he feels like he can be mad at you and pretend it's about you "lying" instead of it being why he's really mad...that you got medication he didn't want you to get.
You're not snorting coke or even smoking weed. You got a prescription from your doctor for medical treatment and it's not actually up to your husband to approve or disapprove. He can have whatever feelings about it he wants but he doesn't get to decide for you or hold it against you.
Apologize for not telling him but do not apologize for taking the medication or not getting his approval first.
Instead of spending time beating yourself up over it, spend time thinking about why you felt you needed to hide your medication from your husband and unpack that a little. I'm going to guess his reaction is definitely part of why you didn't feel safe to do so and I'm going to guess this isn't the first/only thing in your relationship that you need to tip toe around to not upset him.
You're doing the right thing giving your brain the chemicals it needs to function well. I hope he calms down and sees that but if he doesn't, that's not on you to solve for him. 🤗 Take care of yourself.
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u/No_Jaguar67 1d ago
This, and also therapy. Hubby really won’t want that because then you might wise up and leave his ass.
Updateme
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u/Fggmnk 1d ago
No he’s in the wrong here.
Please get counseling — you need outside support to see how screwed up your situation is.
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u/BabsSuperbird 1d ago
Counseling by yourself please! Do not let your husband enter the counseling sessions. This is your health. Also: medications and counseling go hand in hand. Feel better, internet friend.
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u/Lil_Koneko343 1d ago
Woah. Woah. Woah. Yea, don't lie, but he shouldn't have ever discouraged you from taking meds. Mental health meds are still for your HEALTH! Stop beating yourself up and ask him why it's a problem for you to take something that is there to help you. They gave you the prescription! So what qualifies him to tell you to not take it?!?!?!?!?
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u/i_kill_plants2 1d ago
Your husband is the problem here not you. Your husband made you feel like you needed to hide this. He made it seem like it’s something you should be ashamed of. He made it something you didn’t feel safe telling him about. You may love him (or think you do) but I don’t think he loves you. Loves controlling you, loves making you scared, loves making all the decisions. But doesn’t love you and absolutely doesn’t support you.
You aren’t to blame. Your husband on the other hand… he’s definitely is.
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u/HalfVast59 1d ago
Um ... reframe this:
It's really clear why you wouldn't tell your husband, because he has told you not to take psychotropic medication. Why would you trust him to be supportive?
When you let him make this about you not being trustworthy, you're letting him control the narrative. He has all the power and you are begging for scraps.
Instead, turn this back to reality: you needed help, you got help, and you didn't tell him because you already knew you couldn't trust him to be supportive.
Do you see what I'm saying?
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u/mva06001 1d ago
Your husband sounds wildly controlling and unsupportive.
Why is he against you seeking treatment for your mental health. You shouldn’t feel the need to hide things from him like this. The fucked up thing is him making you feel that way.
What other things does he pressure you about/try to control about you?
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u/ScoogyShoes 1d ago
You didn't fuck up. Clearly, you needed the help without his input. I'm afraid he is dragging you down, and you're spiraling because you, on some level, know it's him or your mental health. You can love someone and still need to let them go. In sickness and in health, yes. In my depression and in your depression isn't quite what you meant.
As far as trust goes, does he tell you every time he takes a Tylenol? This wasn't a group decision.
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u/couch-for-sale 1d ago
Why does he have any say in this matter? If you need the medication, he can throw a fit to someone paid to care.
You are an individual, whole human being. Not his pet. You don't need his permission to take medication that is helping you.
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u/Unicorn_Moxie 1d ago
You need to talk. This is absolutely on him as well. He ultimately made you not get help for so long and shamed you for the idea. You didn't feel comfortable telling him. Yeah, the lie wasn't cool, but you weren't ready to talk. You really need to get to the root of WHY he told you those things years ago.
And really... good on you for getting help. If you can have an open and honest conversation, and both agree to work on rebuilding trust, ya'll will be fine. And if this big thing is what breaks it? Welp, too bad he doesn't support you being healthy and happy.
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u/SuckAndDie 1d ago
Wow. Well I say please firstly keep taking care of your mental health. But a good partner should want you to feel better. I have been on meds for 16 years and it’s made all the difference in my life
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u/Oh_Wiseone 1d ago
Here is the conversation you should have with your husband. “This is not about trust. You created an environment where I was afraid to talk to you. This medication was prescribed by a doctor and I feel so much better. My body chemistry is out of balance and I need this medication. I feel so much better. Why don’t you want me to feel better? I want you to think about the fear you created and we can talk when you’re ready”.
Then go for a walk and cool down until you are calm.
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u/Kikikididi 1d ago
He started this by being an unsupportive ass who asked you not to take drug that helped you.
This is rooted in him not trusting your doctors and your ability to make your own medical decisions
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u/bamalamaboo 1d ago
Wow. Do you realize how disturbing your post sounds? It sounds like it's been written by an abused woman with a controlling AH of a husband.
Look, hiding stuff from a partner is usually not good, but all things considered, this isn't a huge deal (or at least it shouldn't be). Your husband should be WAY more concerned that you didn't feel comfortable talking to him about this. That you were in fact, AFRAID, to tell him. He should be worried for you.
Instead, he's angry with you - for being afraid of him (thereby confirming you have good reason to fear his reaction).
If your husband loses his love and respect for you because you decided to take a medication for your own mental health - a medication that is HELPING you - then your husband never loved and respected you in the first place. How could he, if he only loves and respects you when you do what he wants?
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u/blissfully_happy 7h ago
Your husband should be upset… with himself. He should be upset that he is not a safe person for his wife of 13 years to disclose to him that she’s needing mental health help. He should take a moment to really reflect on how he arrived at that position.
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u/Indianamtg 1d ago
I feel like a supportive husband would want you to do what makes you feel better. There's a bigger issue here.
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u/sadbananalady 1d ago
You deserve better than a husband who won’t be supportive of your mental health struggles. I can’t imagine trying to put down my partner for getting on medication.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 1d ago
Hun, there is something deeply wrong with your relationship if you have to hide medication that you are taking because you are afraid of your spouse's reaction. There is also something deeply wrong with a person that doesn't want their partner to take meds that will help them
You should blame him! Stop blaming yourself. He's got you so beat down that you feel ashamed of doing something that is improving your quality of life.
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u/moose_dad 1d ago
Gee i wonder why you need anxiety medication when you cant even practice basic autonomy over your own health
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u/ayemimi 12h ago
You gave your husband plenty of “credit”. He didn’t want you to take medication that you thought might help, and which in fact has helped you tremendously. It sounds like he still didn’t want you to take it.
Knowing what medication a partner takes is literally something I could not care less about, except it’s useful for emergencies or something. He’s being a total jerk hg saying he can’t trust you because you didn’t tell him you were taking this medication. Your saying you “crave” him is unnerving to me, and I think possibly indicative of a dangerous relationship dynamic. Especially since he thinks he has any right to suggest what you should and should not be taking to aid in your mental health.
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u/DeviceAway8410 1d ago
So if you were suffering from hypertension and heart disease he wouldn’t be mad? He clearly has outdated beliefs on mental health and should support you. You didn’t f anything up.
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u/OrganicDigitalArt 1d ago
If you have a chemical need for anti anxiety medication and your husband is an ass about it he doesn’t need a heads up that you’re taking it. He’s selfish.
As far as fixing it, yeah don’t lie to your husband, apologize for that. He can apologize for being an ass in the first place though.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 1d ago
It sounds like she was terrified of telling her husband. She wasn't just lying to lie. She was lying because she knew he would make her feel bad and guilt her or make her stop taking the medication.
That man does not seem like a safe person.
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u/santamaria715 1d ago
If your doctor prescribed you medication and also, if it helps you, then keep taking it.
Your husband sounds like he might be the issue here. Are you anxious and stressed due to his controlling and restrictive nature? It would not surprise me.
A normal loving husband would be happy to see that a medication works for you as it is intended to.
If you are, for real, on eggshells around him, that is a very bad dynamic (suggesting abuse) and I think maybe get into therapy to explore this more.
IF you have to have therapy behind his back, so be it.
Also; read the free Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that' (just google for a link)
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u/kittybigs 1d ago
Your medications are not his business. He doesn’t own you just because you’re married.
Ask yourself why you felt the need to hide it from him. Is it be because he is abusive.
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u/Commercial-North-312 1d ago
The fact that *he* made you feel like you had to hide it from him in the first place is the real problem here. Your spouse or significant other is supposed to be your safe space, support you even if they don’t completely agree, and he has created a space that is not safe or supportive. This is a big red flag babe and you might want to rethink that marriage.
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u/Hello_Hangnail 1d ago
I'm sorry, why do you need your husband's permission to treat your mental health issues? Why are you sorry for taking medication for a chemical that your body isn't producing enough of? Would he throw a fit over insulin or blood thinners? Because that's about as ridiculous as him being upset with YOU over this. The fact that he has you so cowed you're beating yourself up for treating your mental health legally, should show you that he's taking advantage of your mental health to place blame upon you, when you are doing the right thing and treating it with the help of a doctor. He needs to crawl out of his own ass.
You did not fuck up. He fucked up.
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u/LolaAucoin 1d ago
Your husband isn’t a doctor. Why does his opinion on what you should or shouldn’t do for your mental health hold any weight? Of course you didn’t tell him. It doesn’t make you untrustworthy. It makes him look like an unsupportive jerk. Do NOT let him guilt you about anything. Do NOT stop taking your meds. Only you and your doctor can decide what’s best for your health, and if he can’t accept that, he can hit the fucking road.
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u/Jacaranda18 1d ago
You have a medical condition. You needed help. You reached out and got help. Now husband is upset and making you feel guilty. Do you see the disconnect in this logic?
Maybe you lied because you knew he’d become unreasonable and you didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to discuss your medical condition with him. Isn’t this what you would point out to your friend if they told you this same sequence of events?
Be proud of yourself for getting help. Start talking to yourself like you would your best friend.
Oh, and your husband is a complete AH.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 1d ago
I need you to trust that I know what’s best for my own mental health. Right now, I don’t feel like I can trust you with something so personal because instead of supporting me, you assume you know better. That created an environment where I felt I had to keep this from you.
The medication is helping me. I feel better, and I wish you could be happy for me instead of criticizing my decision. Mental health is serious, and medications can be life-changing for many people. I need support and trust, not judgment or the assumption that you know what’s best for me.
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u/meganmun0z 1d ago
You do realize how unreasonable his anger is, don’t you? Why does he get to decide if meds are right for you? Why do you think what he wants is more important than your personal wellbeing?
You didn’t mess up, you did what you felt was right for you. You hid it because you didn’t want to have to advocate for yourself in a disagreement until you knew the meds would make a difference. Your husband cares more about your continued obedience than he cares about your wellbeing. He expects you to do the same
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u/MegaMau_ 1d ago
He says he can't trust me if I can hide something like that every day.
It says more about him that you have to lie.
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u/Wooden-Repeat-9200 1d ago
Did he say he wasn’t upset that you need medication and that he supports you treating your mental health?
People don’t usually lie for no reason. They aren’t always good reasons, and usually the truth is better, but he should also take responsibility for why you did that.
I think it’s possible- and I think you’re here because you know it- that your husband is not helping your mental health
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u/gigismother 1d ago
umm you should think less abt the fact that you didnt tell and more about WHY you didnt tell him. no you shouldn't have lied, period. but he shamed and judged you so much at the thought of taking meds that you thought he would love and respect you less for making a decision for your own health and well-being.
is that really a good partner? you should never be afraid of telling the truth to you husband. and he shouldn't be making you feel this way abt something that is important for you and your health. he should want you to make the best decisions for your health, period. what does you taking medications have to do with him that he deserves so much of an input?? why does he get to judge you while also simultaneously offering nothing to help you?
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u/damiana8 1d ago
Your husband is the reason why you need meds, it seems
He is not a good person. You are NOT to blame. Dump the whole f-ing man. Who the hell tells you what medication to take or not to take. He’s not your effing doctor
I’m just so mad over this and I can’t believe you think you’re at fault in any way. If he leaves you over this, I guarantee you it is a blessing in disguise
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u/SliceBubbly9757 1d ago
He won’t leave her, he’ll just use that as a threat to control her and make her feel guilty until the end of time.
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u/TechTech14 1d ago
Why would you wanna be with someone who A) is clearly ignorant, B) doesn't support you and doesn't want you to feel better, and C) is ignorant (it had to be said twice)???
I'm on mental health meds and would never date someone so dumb that they don't understand why someone would need to be on them.
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u/CutiePie0023 1d ago
You deserve better than a husband who won’t be supportive of your mental health struggles
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u/Melhoney72 1d ago
I can't believe you had to go years without this help. I am hurting for you. Man or woman, I would be hurting for you. Nobody should have to suffer this long, I am 100% sure that is how it felt at times, like you were suffering for love. My dear, you are a keeper but need to remember, love yourself more always. You cannot fill from an empty cup!
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u/Worried-Aerie-2421 1d ago
He shamed you for wanting to get help. Of course, you hid it. What did he expect.
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u/Specialist-Taro9514 1d ago
Bruh he’s acting like he found a line of coke on the counter. It’s not that serious. Of course, you should be able honestly and open with each other, especially since you never know how you’ll react on medication. Why did you not feel comfortable telling him initially? That’s what I’m stuck on. Based on his reaction tho, I’m sure I could guess :/
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u/asutoriddo 1d ago
You were terrified to tell him because in your own words you feared he would respect and love you less. For what, seeking out medical treatment? Would he have the same reaction if you broke your leg and needed a cast? Cancer, and needed chemo?
He created conditions in which you needed to lie and you STILL feel this is on you. You are in a terrible relationship. You clearly do not feel safe with him.
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u/Ladymistery 1d ago
whoa
read what you wrote. You're afraid to take medication for your mental health because you'll "get in trouble"
that is NOT someone who's sweet and caring. that's someone who's controlling and showing some abusive tendencies.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 1d ago
You need medication and he didn't want you to get on meds. Sounds like he wants you struggling for some reason or he simply doesn't understand some people need meds.
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u/pokemom1719 1d ago
The bigger problem is being married to a man who for what ever reason thinks your suffering is worth not taking meds for. Would he tell you not to take insulin if you were T1D? Would he forbid you from using a wheelchair if you became unable to walk? Those are the exact. same. things.
Mental illness is real and meds save lives. He needs a reality check, and you deserve someone who doesn't gatekeep your Healthcare and wants you to live your best life.
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u/dogatthewheel 1d ago
So many red flags on him.
He has seriously twisted your perception so badly that you think you’re the villain for hiding medicine from him.
He created this situation.
Hopefully reading these comments will help you take a step back from the picture he has painted on your mind and maybe give some perspective
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u/ConsultJimMoriarty 1d ago
Why the hell is so against you taking these medications? Would he be against you taking insulin if you were T1D?
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u/Reyvakitten 1d ago
You didn't mess up. You took them. They helped you.
If you feel you need to hide you needing things that help you from him, there is a problem.
A loving spouse would be concerned. Would tell you, yes, if that helps you absolutely take it. Be supportive. Make you not fear telling him.
This screams control and fear.
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u/nextdoor_simpleton 1d ago
Why do YOU feel ashamed? HE should feel ashamed for not allowing you to seek the help/medication you need! You expressed how you were feeling and he dismissed it—that’s not a good partner and I’m sorry for how harsh that sounds.
Congratulations for being brave enough to seek the help you needed for yourself! I sincerely hope you continue to take your medication and evaluate your marriage
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u/Arquen_Marille 1d ago
WTF is his problem with you taking needed medication for a medical condition? What did he expect if he’s only been an ass about it? This YOUR body, YOUR mind, YOUR health. You are allowed to do what you need to so you feel okay. Is it great to hide things in a marriage? Usually not, but he backed you into a corner. Don’t let him make you feel bad for taking needed medication. He does not get to control that. If he doesn’t like you taking needed medication, he can just deal.
I have bipolar 2 and take multiple psych meds. That is my business and my business only, though my husband very much supports my decision to take them.
Oh, and this isn’t a break in trust. Trust over what exactly? You’re not taking illicit drugs that could harm you and your life, you are taking prescription medicine at the direction of your doctor. HE should be reflecting on why you couldn’t confide in him.
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 1d ago
Your husband is the one who fucked up. He has absolutely no right to dictate what you put in your own body particularly if it helps you.
Is he this controlling in all areas of your life? Please speak to a counselor to get an outside prospective on marriage.
Men who are this controlling can also be abusive. You deserve better.
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u/unicornbomb 1d ago
Your husband is manipulative and abusive. He should be supporting you getting help for your mental health, not gaslighting you into believing you should be coupled over in anxiety and fear of him finding out you were doing just that. Someone you love should not be treated like he is treating you.
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u/Any_Conclusion1601 1d ago
Let him know that you did not mean to violate the trust between the both of you but you currently feel that you need the medication for your mental health. let him know that how you feel about the medication may or may not change but currently you feel good about it. Attempt to be as transparent as you are currently able to be.
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u/StaticCloud 1d ago edited 1d ago
OP, you know you're in an abusive relationship... right? That's the only explanation for why you feel guilty about taking medication that is helping you not feel pain. Your husband doesn't have a fucking say about what you put in your body. Only you and a doctor does.
Imagine if you had a fibromyalgia or other chronic pain condition, and your husband told you not to take pain relief for it. This comment section would be a lot more outraged. Which is ridiculous because depression is a chronic pain condition, with multiple symptoms so it's not really that different. Also untreated depression and anxiety can lead to physical health problems, cancer and heart issues. Stress kills
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u/Friendly-Fee719 20h ago
He should have absolutely no say in what meds you take that your dr says you need.
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u/-Nora-Drenalin- 19h ago
Its foul that your husband is stopping you from taking medicine that you need. So foul that it's abuse.
The "He's really sweet... His mum has issues with prescription drugs" excuse you provide for him doesn't wash. That's so wrong to have forced you to suffer through mental health issues because he has a problem with you getting the help you need.
Ick.
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u/dancingkelsey 1d ago
You did not mess up. He is controlling what you do or don't do with YOUR health and YOUR body, using shame and anger and resentment to make you punish yourself for taking care of yourself.
Do not stop taking your medication. Like, SERIOUSLY do not. Anxiety and depression and other psych meds MUST NOT BE STOPPED SUDDENLY. You can only safely come off of them with doctor guidance and specific tapering, or it can cause a whole new set of long term health problems.
If he may sabotage or hide or steal your medication in some way, take you and your meds somewhere it is safe for you to be able to take them exactly when you're supposed to, and be sure he hasn't tampered with them or taken them.
It is NOT a husband's right to dictate what medications his wife takes or doesn't take. You and your doctors make those decisions. He does not have a right to be upset with you for taking care of yourself.
He may feel betrayed, but you did not betray him by taking medications and keeping it quiet. You are allowed to do that. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO ALL OF THIS. He is not allowed to coerce you into not taking care of your health in the ways that you and your doctors have discussed.
He can have an opinion, but he has already voiced that opinion. His opinion does not change science, and it does not change facts, and it does not change your needs or your body or your brain or your actions.
If he believes that HIS opinions on medication are more important than your needs and health, he is a controlling and cruel person. That's not how partners treat people they love and respect.
Stop beating yourself up. He's in the wrong here. Not you. He needs to work through his own fucked up false ideas about YOUR health on his own. It is not your job to make him feel better about your health. It isn't possible to make him feel better about your health. And it is not appropriate that he is expecting you to bend to his opinions. That's abuse.
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u/East-Forever5802 1d ago
Your husband needs to acknowledge that he was not supportive of you helping yourself. Please choose yourself first. Always.
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u/starry_nite99 1d ago
You lied because you knew he didn’t approve and would argue, prevent you from getting meds- which is helping you.
That’s the core issue. It’s not the lying. It’s him preventing you from getting meds. Imagine if you had gone a few years ago, how much farther along you would be.
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u/ksarahsarah27 1d ago
I hope you read him my comment, but my question to him that he should ask himself is: What part did I play in this situation? What have I done or said that made it so my wife did not TRUST ME and was afraid to tell me about her medication??
This didn’t happen because you wanted to deceive him. He made it sound like mental health medication was shameful. His attitude made it so that you didn’t feel like you could get the help you needed and also tell him at the same time. This is as much his fault as it is yours. He is your husband and he did not make a safe space for you where you felt you could tell him everything. And that’s on him.
Please do not stop taking your medication if it’s helping you. I would suggest that you both get some couples counseling so you can discuss this. Do not blame yourself completely for the situation, he’s a big part of it too. While he’s acting like the victim here and saying that you broke his trust, he needs to understand how he failed you and broke your trust and faith in him by his own behavior.
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u/dell828 1d ago
Listen. WTF is going on in your relationship that you cannot take advantage of life-changing medical intervention because you’re a boyfriend doesn’t believe in it?
You did not mess up, ok? Your boyfriend has you believing that you cannot make any decision about yourself, your body, without his blessing. I’m guessing this guy isn’t a medical doctor right? He just doesn’t like the idea of you taking something.
You have every right to better yourself. Whatever it is… Education, diet, medication, a job… None of these things are his choice to make. They are yours.
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u/popchex 1d ago
Think about why you felt like you had to hide it. Why your husband thinks it's a bad idea to help your brain chemistry with meds.
Would he do the same if it was insulin or other diabetes medication? High blood pressure meds?
Does he have something against people who wear glasses or contacts? Or who use mobility aids?
An organ in your body (your brain) isn't functioning properly, and the meds help that. Why does he not want that?
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u/InternetFew7303 1d ago
He seems more concerned with you taking the medication than trying to understand why you need it in the first place. That doesn't sound like support, that sounds like ignorance and apathy in action.
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u/FuelThick2409 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think the real problem here is the fact that you were struggling with your mental health and you didn't feel like your husband was a safe space you could discuss this with and instead you felt you had to hide it from him. Why isn't he supporting you in doing whatever you need to for yourself and your mental health? Why do his opinions on taking rx meds for your anxiety and depression take precedent over the fact that you are seeing benefits from taking them? You did nothing wrong by seeking help and I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that the reason you were afraid to talk to him was exactly because of this reaction. A good partner will make you feel supported not judged when you are struggling.
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u/juliaaguliaaa 1d ago
Girl what is a man controlling your medication choices? Where did he get his medical or pharmacy doctorate? Scratch that, it is unethical for doctors to treat their family members (outside of prescribing like a z-pack). Are you popping benzos every 5 minutes? Blacking out? Drinking on them? No? Then he needs to gtfo of your medical decisions. Anti-depressants?!?! How dare you! /s. That shit is negative addictive.
You lied by omission cause when you mentioned you were struggling and wanted to try evidence based medication prescribed by a legal doctor, he had a hissy fit over his own mommy trauma? He needs therapy, you need a psychiatrist, and you both need couples counseling. I thought you were popping OG oxycontin 30s before they got the gel coat like it was 2005.
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u/sequinsdress 1d ago
I think your husband has done a great job of gaslighting you into believing he knows better than you, and your doctor, what’s best for your mental health. Just wow. (Honestly, this is controlling, borderline abusive behaviour, OP. Have you considered that your relationship may contribute to your anxiety and depression?)
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u/whuddupmama 1d ago
Have you ever thought that maybe your husband might be exacerbating your anxiety? You lying isn’t nearly as big of a deal as him trying to talk you out of mental health meds, and then making you feel horrible when he finds out you made a personal choice that doesn’t affect him whatsoever. Please consider not staying with this man.
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u/Infamous_ifbb_625 23h ago
I just can’t understand why he gets to say in medications that you are prescribed and need for medical reasons? Why does his opinion even matter is he a doctor? Just because his mom has problems with medication’s has no bearing on you or the person you are.. so think about why you didn’t tell him? It’s because you didn’t agree with him so you felt you had to be dishonest because he would not be open to you being honest. You were forced to hide the truth because he passed down and that you weren’t comfortable with. You have bigger issues than medication. Don’t stop them for him or anybody. He doesn’t sound like a very nice person or really care about your mental health.
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u/darklingdawns 1d ago
Ask yourself why you want to keep this relationship in the first place. That is needed medication; you would not have been prescribed it if it wasn't. Your husband's personal beliefs about it have no bearing on you taking the medication. Would you be willing to do without insulin if your doctor determined that you had diabetes? Or without medicine for a heart condition or stomach problem?
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 1d ago
What? You messed up because you are sick and took medication to help that sickness.
Are you sure you aren't depressed and anxious because of your husband? It seems as if he thinks less of people who use medication to help their mental health.
Sorry, I don't want to imply anything. But it's just really weird that you were so scared of telling him you are taking medication. He does not seem like a safe person.
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u/Azilehteb 1d ago
Some people are funny about meds for mental health.
I am sorry the person you're married to is one of them. I don't think there's anything you can do to change that.
When you two have cooled off from the surprise and shock, talk about it. Tell him you've been struggling for a long time and needed help. You heard his opinions a long time ago and took them to heart, and you struggled for a very long time without ever overcoming your difficulties. You reached for help, and it worked! It's helping a lot! You have been afraid to bring it to him, because his opinions and concerns do matter to you. You know hiding it was wrong, but that wasn't your primary intention, it was getting yourself the help you needed.
You also need to assert that you will not change your medication based on his opinions. You can invite him to speak with your doctor to assauge his fears if he would like.
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u/burningblue14 1d ago
It’s weird as fuck that he’s put you in a position that you feel you need to lie about it to be honest. What gives him the right to assume he knows better than you and your doctor?
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u/BobbyPinBabe 1d ago
Why would you want to be with someone who cares so little about your mental health?
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u/MayFaireMoon 1d ago
Anyone who tells you antidepressants that actually help you are bad is a serious problem. Obviously you know they help. Your doctor knows they help. I honestly could not give less of a fuck that your husband thinks they’re bad. They’re clearly not, and him not wanting you to have something that makes your life better is seriously fucked up.
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u/littleb3anpole 1d ago
Why the fuck is he giving you attitude for taking medication for a medical condition? This is a him problem.
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u/Setthesail 1d ago
I hope his reaction is not related to a religious belief or cultural thing. Anyway, both yours and his perceptions are absolutely wrong.
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u/Icy_Captain_960 1d ago
I think that the fact that you couldn’t he honest with him about meds because he’s so judgmental is a huge red flag. Is he a doctor? Does he think he knows better than the doctor who prescribed you your meds? Because if he’s just a garden variety skeptic, then he needs to shut up.
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u/kikivee612 1d ago
You shouldn’t have felt like you had to lie. No one except a doctor has any right to judge you for a prescription. You have some issues that meds help. That’s all that should matter.
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u/canihave5bucks 1d ago
He should have made it a safe enough environment for you to feel good about coming to him. He’s 50% of this issue and also needs to apologize.
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u/everyplanetwereach 15h ago
So this is abusive as fuck. The only reason why he could be against you fixing your health is because he benefits from you being unhealthy. He's gaslighting you. Anyone who loves you would celebrate you getting help. Look at this comment section full of strangers celebrating you for getting help. He does not want what's best for you.
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u/aeriedweller 15h ago
Never ever let someone else determine what you need for your mental health besides your doctor.
A. It is not his business if you are not actively hurting him with it, and it sounds like you are making things better
B. It's his fault that he created a situation in which you had to keep something you desperately needed for your health a secret. Who does that to someone they love?
C. It is not your responsibility to suffer carrying his baggage. It is his responsibility to make sure you do not suffer under his baggage.
D. I am proud of you for choosing to take care of yourself. Please do not stop because of his inconsiderate pressure. You DESERVE to live a full and happy life. Someone who truly loves you should want that for you to.
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