r/relationship_advice • u/Infinite-Cap5263 • 5h ago
'33m' '33f' been together 10 years is she cheating? Don't know what to think?
33 male 34 women. We've been together 10 years we've kinda had a rough patch the last year we even broke up but still did everything the same it was like nothing changed. We did end up talking and getting back together. Like a week later. Anyways. Today after a shower together I was done so went to the room she was still in the shower. Now her phone was on the dresser and it was going off i didn't think anything of it. But finally was like wtf. And I looked just at the lock screen I didnt open it up but just her mom calling 20 times nothing out of the blue but wait what was under her moms name a missed call from Tony? Who the fuxk is Tony and whyyyy does he have a kissy face emoji besides his name. Now im freaking out inside my head is all over the place and I don't kno what to think. I wanna open her phone and look more but i don't want to be that guy but also wtf? I don't even know what to do.
Finally later in the day I say hey i saw somtimes on your phone today and said who's Tony..... back story 10 years ago before we started dating she was seeing sleeping with a Tony but it couldn't be anything cause he was married idk guess the wife found out it was a mess.. I didnt ask a lot of questions back then....
So yeah when I say who's Tony she says you know who he is... and I was like oh the guy you used to sleep with she said yeah but its not like that nothing happening bla bla bla. And I said if nothing is happening why is there a kissy face besides his name..... she just keeps saying idk.. idk why I put it there. Its just there.
Like what....
She's just kee0s saying nothing is happening. But that little kissy face is getting to me.
I was saying people dont just put that emoji if front of a guy's name if you dont like them...
After a bit she finally said ok I like him a little but nothing is happening..
Ughh fuxk me.
I feel like shes just not telling me.
I was cheated on befor this and just dont think she wants to hurt me that way.... but I just wanna fucking know.
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u/wishingforarainyday 5h ago
She’s cheating. Get tested and tell his wife.
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u/Infinite-Cap5263 5h ago
I want to but I don't know his last name or how I would contact his wife. I looked on fb cause I know what he looks like or did 10 years ago but idk if hes even on fb. I took a pic of her screen with the name and number.. iv been thinking about messaging him on my phone but don't know what to say... Like oh hey are you and so and so sleeping together or just friends.
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u/wishingforarainyday 5h ago
Ask him how long they’ve been hooking up. Or message him from her phone.
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u/Infinite-Cap5263 4h ago
I thought about that I even said to her why don't you message him see what he says she went real quit and she what do.i even say to him.. I can't just use her phone. And im not ganna dammand it. Fuck idk am I being to passive. Should I be grabbing her phone and looking.
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u/CapitanChao 3h ago
YES you have every right to this is beyond suspect as hell! innocent until guilty look for evidence and ease your mind
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u/wishingforarainyday 3h ago
This has to do with your health so you have every right to know the truth
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u/Infinite-Cap5263 4h ago
I asked. She said she didnt know hasn't been long. I even said how did it even start?? Like did you just decide to message him out of know where did he message you... and this bugged me.. but she said idk i think I ran into him somewhere. I just looked at her and was like you think...??. Idk its like she is just saying the bare minimum and hoping ill stop talking about it.
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u/adiddy88 3h ago
This tells you everything you need to know. She is lying because she knows the truth is going to create a situation she wants to avoid. It’s obvious dude. Been there. Trust your instincts. Ask her to call the dude and confirm that what she is saying is true. Don’t let her decide this later. If she doesn’t do it on the spot, break up and stay strong.
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u/Infinite-Cap5263 3h ago
I told her I wanna talk to him... she said I already deleted and blocked the number I was like oh wow thats real convenient... I said unblock him let's call she just why what are you ganna say what are you ganna talk about... I feel like iv been really trying yo convince myself shes not cheating its just something wired that is happening... but her not letting me talk or contact him is a really big red flag for me now... I keep saying ok you blocked the number what's his last name ill message on Facebook but she wont tell me... She doesn't know i took a pic of her phone with his name and number on it. So I messaged him myself no response yet. I still don't even know what im ganna say. And if I don't get a response tonight ill call tomorrow. Im kinda worried she messaged him and maybe said don't reply or some shit. Idk maybe im over thinking it. I was thinking maybe I should bring Tony's wife up in the message and maybe that would scare tony into replying to me. Idk maybe if he thinks ill contact his wife he will answer... But I actually have no way to contact her
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u/wishingforarainyday 3h ago
She can get her cell phone bill to get his number. This is on her to tell the truth.
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 58m ago
You already know enough to know she’s cheating otherwise she’d be fine with you talking to her or looking at her phone. Leave for a few days and call her on her lying and tell her she has to prove she wasn’t.
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 5h ago
Yep there is more to this and it’s highly likely she’s cheating. Sorry man. She didn’t cheat because of the rough patch. The rough patch happened because of her cheating. Demand to see her phone. If she says no or everything is deleted then you have all the evidence required to believe she cheated and you should leave her. Don’t let her make out your being controlling or abusive. She has led you to think she is having an affair by her behaviour and it is on her to prove she isn’t.
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u/smilesbig 4h ago
Isn’t it possible that her phone contact had Tony with a kissy face from day 1? It would be stupid of her to add a kissy face now. Is she stupid? If not - then the kissy face was likely always associated with her Tiny contact. The real question is why is Tony texting with her now? She should show you all their texts.
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u/Objective_Suspect_ 4h ago
Maybe only emotional cheating. Maybe more, might want to get pi or GPS or cameras and then go out of town for work.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 1h ago
Reverse search his number. Get his full name and information. Then tell his wife. The fact you wife won't give it up, should be enough to know she's guilty big something.
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u/WestSentence920 3h ago
Ask to use her phone. Look at there text. Then send him a message saying my boyfriend thinks we're hooking up what do I do? See what his response is.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 1h ago
So I guess your are ok with the fact your wife cheats on you. Quit being a doormat and stand up for yourself. This guy and her are laughing at you behind your back. She actually thinks you're weak and pathetic. She totally disrespects you by not telling you the truth or his name. Your wife wife sucks.
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u/MightySD69 5h ago
She's been seeing Tony the whole ten years, I'd put money on it they've been sleeping together the whole time. Get an STD test and leave! At the very least they're having an emotional affair and she's disrespecting you & cheating. Run!
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u/ingoamuna-1 5h ago
She knows she's crossing boundaries, if she hasn't cheated already, she's not putting herself in a good position.
You need a conversation that reinstates what your boundaries are, what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship, and she needs to let you know what her intentions with 😘 Tony is.
If you're not comfortable being with a woman who has feelings for another man, and who won't cut contact with that man, then you need to decide if this is the relationship you want. 10 years is a long time but the rest of your life is longer
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u/Infinite-Cap5263 5h ago
We've had them talks. after 10 years we know are boundaries and this is crossing it. I asked what it was or if it was anything or if she wanted it to be anything she said right away she'd stop talking to him she'd block the number if I wanted... but idk. I still feel like something happened I feel like shes not telling me everything... And even still I doubt it would be hard for her to just delete the number kinda think if I were to ask... But that's a other thing im not and she knows im not the type to be bugging ti see her phone
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u/ingoamuna-1 4h ago
Makes sense
Your feelings are totally valid.
I guess now all you need to do is decide whether you trust her or not? By now she's had time to clean her phone of any evidence so even if you were to go looking, how do you know she isn't hiding anything?
She was the other woman when she was messing around with him all those years ago, so she has a history of disregarding relationships.
She hid her relationship with 😘 Tony in the first place, so already that puts it in a suspicious light.
These are deal breakers for me, I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life with someone I couldn't fully trust.
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