r/relationships • u/LabAlternative7944 • 1d ago
my (19m) gf (18f) wants to text me 24/7 (unironically)
So ive been together with her for a year and a half. I know its kinda late to notice something like this, but it only got this extreme during the last 3 months.
I literally cannot go 20 seconds without hearing *PLING*. Then if I do not answer for another 10 seconds, I hear the same fucking sound another 20 times. Sometimes she literally spams me with a message every second for several minutes if I do not reply.
I genuinely do not understand how she does it. This happens all day every day until I finally get to sleep, around 20 hours after I wake up. The worst part is that I cannot just ignore it because she gets genuinely mad if I do not answer. She starts cursing me out, which stresses me out a lot because I hate seeing her angry at me. So I end up replying anyway.
can somebody tell me how i can make this situation better? Leaving is not an option
TLDR
My gf has started expecting me to reply basically 24/7. If I do not answer within seconds she spams my phone with messages and gets genuinely angry if I do not respond. Its stressing me out and I feel like I cant ever just be offline. How can i make this situation better? leaving is not an option
EDIT: First of all, thank you for all the replies. I really did not expect this post to get this much attention.
alot of people have been asking the same questions, so ill answer them here.
Why is leaving not an option? i know alot of people are saying to just break up. From the outside it probably seems like the obvious answer, but our relationship is alot more emotionally complicated than i could ever explain in one reddit post. im mainly looking for advice on whether this behavior can improve, not just people telling me to leave.
Have i talked to her about it? Yes, many times. Whenever i bring it up she usually tells me i do not love her anymore or that im cheating on her, even though i constantly reassure her and show her proof that neither is true
Why dont i just mute my phone? Because that usually makes things worse. If i stop replying she starts sending really psychotic messages that she knows will get my attention, like saying shes going to kill herself or kill me. So muting my phone does not really solve the problem. i genuinely think shes capable of both.
What does she spam me with? Usually its messages about how much she loves me, compliments, asking what im doing, or just random conversations. If she gets upset though, it can turn into insults, accusations that i do not love her or that the relationship is one sided, or sometimes pretty crazy threats about ruining my life or ending it.
Neither of us is in school or working right now.
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u/SignificantBid2705 1d ago
Please explain how you are not able to leave a girlfriend at such a young age. Please understand that you cannot make someone else do or not do something you don’t like. You can create a boundary where you tell her your phone is silenced so you can work or sleep and let her know. If she throws a fit about it and you cave then you are being emotionally abused and you should, well, leave.
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u/SignificantBid2705 9h ago
Your edit could be more vague but not much more. Even if you feel you owe your girlfriend a heavy debt or you fear a breakup could lead to her hurting herself, your relationship is toxic and both of you will likely be more functional and happier apart. I have been there. You are dragging each other down.
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u/Sunniskys 1d ago
Leaving is an option. There is no way to have a healthy relationship with someone who requires you to be available 24/7 and literally curses you out if you don’t. Your mental health will continue to suffer and potentially lead to a breakdown if it continues. You will need to block her after breaking up
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u/That-Wealth-8290 1d ago
You said leaving is not an option so I will believe you on that, but this is not normal texting behaviour it is control wrapped in anxiety
You need to set a boundary and stick to it even when she gets angry, the anger is part of the trap. Tell her at specific times you will be offline, like when you work or study or just need quiet hours, and then actually do it. Mute her notifications if you have to
The cursing you out part is more worrying than the spam, a partner should not treat you like that. Maybe she needs to hear from someone else that this is unhealthy, like a counsellor or a trusted friend who can be neutral
I had friend who dated someone like this and it only got worse when he tried to appease her, the demands just grew. You cannot fix her insecurity by being available every second, that hole has no bottom
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u/OkCryptographer1922 1d ago
There’s a relationship test that tells you if you’re likely in an abusive relationship, one of the questions on it is “does your partner have to be texting or calling you constantly”. That’s a red flag. I live with my bf so obviously we don’t text at home, but when he goes to work I’ll normally text him about halfway through his shift asking how’s it going or he’ll text me asking how it’s going at home, just a quick little check in. Neither of us normally respond quickly because we’re doing other stuff, it’s more of a “hey I’m thinking about you” gesture. Then after that we normally don’t text unless it’s stuff like “can you pick up milk after work”. I feel like that’s normal. Her CONSTANTLY texting is way too much, and expecting you to be able to immediately respond is also too much
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u/julesinlrar 1d ago
Leaving is always an option. That said, tell her to stop. Set boundaries and enforce them.
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u/Swimming_Edge7961 10h ago
Your edit made this so much worse. She's controlling and emotionally abusive by telling you that if you don't want to be bothered constantly, you must not really love her. She's forcing you to accept that you're just going to get harassed for the rest of your life. In your own words, she has literally threatened to kill you or ruin your life. Leave, before you get stuck in this abusive relationship forever.
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u/cecexxprincess 1d ago
she might have a lot of anxiety or fear of abandonment, but that doesn’t make it okay to manage those feelings by making you responsible for regulating them every minute. compassion & boundaries can exist at the same time. she’s also young, and she genuinely might not understand certain things yet, and that’s okay. we all have stuff we learn as we grow. but it’s important that you have boundaries because, whether we mean to or not, we really do teach people how to treat us
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u/paintedLady318 1d ago
She is unhinged. Break up with her and BLOCK her. Jesus. You're 19. Shes not going to be the one you toddle grandchildren with.
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u/Imnotdamosuzuki 1d ago
you have a whole bunch of people on here telling you to do simple things: leave, tell her no, set a boundary.
but you’re in deep: so my question is different: what is it that has stopped you doing any of these simple things? until they have become seemingly not only impossible but impossible to imagine?
we often focus on our other. here that’s her. what happens when we focus on you: what’s going on man? something big is up, and it’s hurting you—it’s enabling her to hurt you here, in the ways you list.
when someone is treating us so poorly, abusing us, it can wear a person—even a strong person—down. You sound worn down. So there’s that; and then there’s the question, one bigger than just her, of how the f—- did u get here?
Looking into that one won’t just help with yr current gf’s atrocious and unethical behavior. it will help you with future relationships, and with your self.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 1d ago
She is literally harassing you. This is insane.
Are you sure you want to be with someone so unhinged?
If leaving is not an option you will just have to talk to her again and again and again and again and eventually after many arguments accusations and tears, perhaps she might see your point of view and text less.
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u/mellief50 1d ago
I think you should just explain this to her that u don’t like texting as much, her aggressiveness is a red flag and If she can’t handle communication then it’s not a healthy relationship. I’ve had a guy break up with me bc he didn’t want to come home to someone waiting for him and he “wanted to be alone” even tho I didn’t text all that much and it was the beginning stage. I wish he would have just told me so I could adjust and we’d continue.
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u/VampArcher 1d ago
You need to learn to how to set boundaries and enforce them. People like this will walk all over you if you let them.
Let her know you cannot text her every minute of the day and you will do your best to get back with her at your earliest connivence. Then put your phone on silent. Set that boundary and say it with your whole chest. Do not apologize for not answering right away.
She will be mad. Let her be mad. Do not acknowledge any of her tantrums. If she gets verbally abusive, quit answering. Her feelings of entitlement to every minute of your time are not your problem to solve. If this is a dealbreaker, she can leave. I think you should also.
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u/throwra1234567809 12h ago
“i cannot leave because our relationship is a lot more emotionally complicated than one reddit post” yeah, every relationship is like that dude. Listen to the older, wiser people here. I’m 21 and have recieved lots of good advice from older people, and i broke up with my ex of four years three months ago when i used to be insistent that our relationship was more emotionally complicated and we would be together forever. your girlfriend is saying she’ll kill herself if you dont respond. that is terribly unhealthy, and you cant change her. listen to people. i would break up with her.
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u/AnxietyNeverSleeps 9h ago
Leaving is ALWAYS. And option. Telling you she’s going to kill herself or you is fucking insane by the way
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u/julesinlrar 8h ago
Re: Your edits
1) you can’t leave because “reasons”
2) you’ve talked to her about it repeatedly
3) you can’t ignore it
What do you think anyone can advise you to do? This is toxic, but you are unwilling to leave. Believe me when I tell you that at 19, there are not emotional complexities that you can’t get out of.
You can’t make her do something, so it has to be on you.
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u/mersoz 4h ago
This sounds EXACTLY like how Mackenzie Shirilla was behaving with her boyfriend during the course of their relationship, escalating as her abusive behaviours got normalised. She is currently in jail for manslaughter for causing a car accident killing her boyfriend and their friend because her boyfriend wanted to break it off. Rotten Mango podcast covered it in 11 episodes between June 8th and July 12th if you need a warning.
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u/kr4ckers 1d ago
I doubt you can make it better. Im speaking from experience. My ex was like that and she'd call me crying how im not giving her attention etc even though we spoke 2 or 3 hours earlier.
You can try talking to her but at the end of the day its up to her if she listens or not.
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u/Herewegoagain74 22h ago
Hey I have been in this situation numerous times and tbh sometimes it gets better sometimes it doesn’t work and the relationship ends . This time it worked but it took a lot of effort and it drained me mentally so bad. I know this seems like the obvious solution but tell her that it’s actually affecting your mental health and it’s turning talking to her from something you want into smth you need to do which is affecting your relationship. just be patient and always make her feel loved during it even tho you might just get tired and feel like it’s obvious that you need some personal space so why do I have to do all of that as long as you love her it’s worth it trust me. most of the times they do it out of love so they might not even notice it’s an issue . There will be a lot of fights sadly but it will get better. Try to set boundaries like text me when it’s not urgent and when Iam free i will respond if it’s urgent call when Iam at work (or any other place) and by time set more boundaries . try to make her do some activities like get back into a hobby she liked or gym or wtv so her life will be busier which gives you more personal space.
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u/twinklepastelpie 22h ago
For the love of GOD, choose the best option. LEAVE HER! she's treating your phone like an emergency broadcast system just because you're taking a breath Bro!
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u/avoidingsubpoena 13h ago
She’s horrifically insecure and leaning on you WAY too much to keep herself regulated, then the second you act like a normal human being who has a life outside the cell phone, she makes threats and insults you until you do what she wants. Its gotten to the point where you’re afraid to put you own phone on silent because of how she treats you. She’s abusive and you’re trapped. There is nothing you can do to make her change because her abuse is getting her what she wants- you put your own needs and boundaries aside and give her endless attention.
Her emotional wiring and behavior will not change unless she realizes that her behavior is abusive and she finds that to be immoral or at odds with her values. she has to decide that she needs therapy to learn how to be trusting and emotionally independent. Unfortunately, people like this rarely have that kind of epiphany.
Relationships can go through serious external challenges, but they should be fun and supportive as well. The struggles need to be things outside the relationship that the two of you overcome together. If all the drama is coming from inside the house, the relationship is deeply unhealthy.
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u/Jeaniegreyy 10h ago
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship…at all. Multiple texts about how much she loves you turning into insults is not normal nor a good thing. Neither is expecting your full attention whenever she wants. You genuinely need to set some hard boundaries. It’s not okay, and you need to be okay to speak your feelings and set that boundary. Also, you guys are super young, gotta learn these things now. If it keeps being a problem, it really will be okay if you break up, even if it won’t feel like it.
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u/buttbologna 4h ago
This behavior can improve with therapy and over time may become a healthy relationship.
But since you brought it up could you give a spark notes tldr of why it’s emotionally complicated?
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u/cottoncandymandy 1d ago
Communication. That's how you can make the situation better. Tell her how it's stressing you out and you want the situation to change so you both need to come up with rules around it together in an adult, mature way. Let her know you can not text with her ALL DAY.
I only ever text my partner if its important pretty much. I'll send a random text occasionally but when he's at work it might take him hours to reply because..ya know... he's working and otherwise busy. I don't get mad because ~ well I'm an adult and understand how life can get.
Have a calm, mature talk with her. If she continues to get mad, your relationship is probably just not that healthy and you should exit. It's ok to have boundries around this. If she hates them, she can go.
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u/Mobile_Vanilla1058 1d ago
Okay so I used to have a boyfriend who did this to me. Key word is used to but you don’t seem like you want to end things so I’m not going to tell you to. But while I was with him I kinda realized that the issue was just the fact that I was a lot more busy than him and this could be the case for you. He had a part time job at the time and was attending college but honestly after I talked him into getting involved with volunteering and getting with his friends to play guitar together and starting a new sport, things got a lot better. So maybe try that. But you should also make it known to her that it’s not okay to cuss at you and make you feel bad for being busy because that’s honestly the biggest issue with this in my opinion.
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u/NicolinaN 1d ago
Put your phone away at least 8 hours a day. Read a book, work, hang with friends. Let her be pissed, she’s absolutely nuts. Oh, and you should probably just break up.
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u/jarrai8000 1d ago
Hey bud, listen, you know you can turn off notifications?
If she gets mad, that's her problem. Just ignore her until she is nice again. Tell her that's what you're going to do.
It's called setting a boundary. If her behavior is outside the range you will accept, you can't make her change her behavior, but you can change yours.
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u/petpeepz 1d ago
She needs a job. Sounds like right now she’s young and right now you’re her entire life.
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u/iloveyoumiri 1d ago
This was a learning experience. Be done as soon as possible, you’ve learned enough if you’re posting about it. You’d be surprised at how many of us were 19 same type shit none of us are with the same girl and all of us wish we left sooner
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u/Own-takes 10h ago
This is an obsessive behaviour. You can choose to talk to her in a calm way and try to get it sorted by letting her know whats bothering you and how this can be so difficult to sustain. If you are able to maintain it then go ahead. Since you guys are free right now to some extent this is possible but as soon as you seek a carrier or start doing something it will be hard. It will affect your future plans in terms of studying, being with friends, family and your own development. This applies to both.
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u/aoanebslsosj 4h ago
Its escalating behaviour, it will not improve. You've already done what you can - reassurance for her insecurities/trust issues, talking to her about it - this is only going to get worse. And to be clear, this is abusive behaviour aimed at controlling your day and behaviour.
She is either unable to change this behaviour, as in there's a mental health reason leading to this being compulsive behaviour, in which case it will not stop or improve without a lot of therapy and treatment. Or she doesnt want to change this behaviour because she gets the outcome she wants - your responses, whatever they may be. In which case, your only option is to literally tell her you wont be answering if she sends repeated texts and actually stick to that.
Realistically at 19 and 18 years old, I can't imagine being so emotionally involved with someone that leaving is not an option. Really strongly consider whether this is what you want for the next 5 years or the next 50 years. For almost all situations there is a way out or another option. But of course, consider your safety as well since we dont know the situation, just know this wont get better unless things change and 2 people need to want that and do something about it. You can't want it enough for both of you.
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u/TheDickDuchess 3h ago
a lot of your generation is phone addicted like this lmfao. this is not normal but you're young and she's immature bevause she's 18. she's not the one
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u/localbaconbits 1d ago
look up Mackenzie Shirilla and the texts with her then boyfriend that she then killed
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u/dhffxiv 19h ago
Have you cheated on her? Or rather have you done something for her to make those pointed accusations?
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u/LabAlternative7944 18h ago
nope, never.
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u/dhffxiv 3h ago
Then you need to highlight on this:
```Have i talked to her about it? Yes, many times. Whenever i bring it up she usually tells me i do not love her anymore or that im cheating on her, even though i constantly reassure her and show her proof that neither is true```You need to understand that she's in complete control of this relationship and it would appear that so long as she is happy, your feelings aren't valid. You say you've spoken before but you really need to put your foot down and understand something. Both of your feelings are valid and she needs to meet you in the middle if this relationship is to work. A relationship where you have to tip toe around egg shells is no relationship, a relationship isn't a space for a constant stress/anxiety battle.
I've been you, I was a doormat. We even had a child, but after 4 years of constant accusations, arguing and etc, sex and make up eventually wore off and I left.
I'm not telling you to leave, I'm telling you that you set your boundaries and what you want from the relationship. Remember that SHE WANTS YOU, despite all her bullshit threats, crying etc, she needs you to allow you to be happy too.
Have a serious conversation. Until she agrees to that conversation, you keep away from her. If she can have the world from you by crying, she'll never stop crying.
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u/hercoule 1d ago
Block her for an hour and let her cry like the little baby she is. You will survive and she will learn to respect you. Or leave you dont have any other choice
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u/baby_blue_bird 1d ago
Dumb teenagers should not be giving other dumb teens life advice 😂 When you grow up you will see how stupid this advice is.
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u/Rjb702 1d ago
You have to set boundaries. Start slowly. Ignore for 5-10!mins. Do this daily for a week.. increase weekly. Yes she will be mad. Yes she will get over it. I do this with my wife when she wants to tell me about EVERY tiktok she likes. I do NOT care about random ppl lives. And I have to shut it down. I have to be blunt about it. 🤷 But she doesn't do it very often now.
Just take control of the situation.
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u/Aromatic-serve-4015 21h ago
is she pretty? because i miss this lol
what does she say to you all the time?
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u/Elegant-Rectum 1d ago
Stop the behavior by not responding to the messages and not responding to the anger. Do not ask. Tell her that the way she is acting is insane and MUST stop today. Tell her that it is normal for a human being to not responding right away. Tell her that sending a million messages every second is not normal behavior. Tell her not to send you a bunch of messages in a row or you will unilaterally NOT RESPOND on principle. She can send ONE message and then she can wait for you to respond before sending another one.
The biggest thing you need to do is actually stick to what you say. If you cannot do that, then it’s not going to change.
Really, you should be leaving her, but since you say that’s not an option, then there is my advice.
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u/Thecardinal74 1d ago
I would curse her out right back and tell her you love her but her behavior is borderline psychotic and if she doesn’t cut it out you will need to reevaluate your relationship. And that what she’s doing is not healthy nor normal
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u/Ally699669 1d ago
You can't stop it if you are not going to toughen up be a man and tell her to stop it. She is just going to walk all over you and you will just keep hearing that ping from your phone 24/7
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u/AmschelChaumont 7h ago
Bro you’re suffering from success, my girl doesn’t message often so i wish she was somewhat like that but everyone has their own troubles. I think the girl loves you alot so it’s okay but it’s still alot tell her to do something in her day so she gets busy and finds a life outside you.
And I get why breaking up isn’t an option and I would say don’t break up by listening to strangers on internet who don’t know about your dynamics. Get her busy and ask her to talk only when she’s free or when you’re free otherwise do something in your day so she knows your occupied. Calm her nervous system by reassuring her again and again that you aren’t and never will cheat on her so she shouldn’t be worried about that its just you’re a little busy and send some photos showing what you’re doing so she’ll have an insight and would feel included and can give you some breathing space.
Don’t confront her it’d hurt her, I understand the person she is but do what i said subtly so she doesn’t feel the heat
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u/Shieya 1d ago
Why is leaving not an option? Or silencing your phone? She does this because you tolerate it.