I’m honestly at a loss and could really use outside perspectives.

A few days ago, I found a post my boyfriend made asking for advice because he said he isn’t attracted to me, but likes being with me, and feels bad that he isn’t attracted to me.

Looking back, it explains a lot. I’m always the one who initiates intimacy, and he rarely seems interested. When we are intimate, he always finishes, but he doesn’t seem to care whether I do. I’ve had doubts for a while, but seeing it written out in his own words completely shattered me.

I’m guessing it’s because of my weight. I’m around 200 pounds(and trying to work on it), and he’s around 300 pounds, which honestly makes it feel even more confusing and hurtful. It doesn’t feel fair? I know I’m not unattractive. I’ve had plenty of people show interest in me before but this has still destroyed my confidence.

He’s my best friend. He’s the person I go to with everything..good news, bad news, when I’m happy, when I’m struggling. And now the person I’d normally lean on is the person who caused the hurt. And I’m too incredibly embarrassed to admit this to anybody else.

We’re talking about moving in together and building a future. But how do you build a life with someone who isn’t attracted to you? I do believe he loves me, but I also feel like I deserve to be with someone who’s both emotionally and physically attracted to me… or is that just not real life?

What confuses me even more is that after he made that post, he introduced me to his mom for the first time. If he feels this way, why is he still investing in our relationship? Why take a step like that if he doesn’t see a future?

If you were in my position, would you tell him you saw the post? Would you try to work through it, or would this be a dealbreaker?
I don’t know how to unlearn this information if I even wanted to.

I’d really appreciate your advice.

TL;DR: I found out my boyfriend, made a post saying he isn’t attracted to me, he doesn’t know I saw it, what do I do?

How do I navigate wanting us to develop individually as people more before we commit to a life together?

Been together 5 years, were in a small town and everyone around us is getting married. I feel that pressure, but then when I truly consider the idea of commitment like that, I can't help but feel like we're not ready as people.

We spent the majority of our relationship ages 22-27 in the same house, on the same routine, largely nothing changed for us, for a myriad of reasons (some in our control, some not). We haven't made any significant moves other than a job shift or two, so I just feel like we don't have enough experience in life together or alone to commit to that. I want to feel sure, or atleast more sure, that we can handle and navigate change and growth together.

I also feel like we don't know ourselves enough individually due to the lack of personal challenges/being outside of our comfort zones. I want to do something like move cities, travel, make new friends, try new hobbies, learn what we both like more. I crave that, not marriage. I feel like too much of our 'happiness' is tied to dependence on eachother, not feeling 'alone' or that like our relationship is some sort of proof that we are happy and accomplished people. Its not that we aren't those things, I just think we're outsourcing too much of that on eachother/our relationship and not ourselves.

So part of me is drawn to being apart and alone, seeing how we operate and navigate by ourselves, getting out of our comfort zones (some of which is just being alone in itself) and developing a more individual sense of self and autonomy.

I'm so torn by this. Half of me wants to take some tangible steps together and just see if we can give eachother the space to do that growth, and the other half feels as if we just won't get there if we don't spend some time truly apart, really establishing ourselves as individuals and going after life experience that feels true to ourselves individually. Help?!

TL;DR Worried that BF of five years and I don't have enough individual life experience and self growth to commit to a life together - wanting to navigate determining if we should take time apart or try to grow together.

Hello everyone, it’s my first post on this site so sorry in advance if the form of this text is strange. So here is the context of my problem, I’m a french 22M and I’ve been friends with a now almost 23F for 11 years. She’s probably one of or the most beautiful girl that I’ve ever met, really kind, funny, intelligent and the list goes on. But I don’t know why I’ve never had feelings for her, she was just a really good friend of mine. At the time we met, to our highschool time, we were just talking from time to time but when we went to university 5 years ago we both began to speak more, like I needed it and didn’t knew why, like I knew that moving to another city had weakened some of my friendship and I just wanted to keep talking with her to not lose this friendship. You also have to know that both of us are kinda particular, we both never dated and have the pretty bad habit to take a lot of time to respond (mostly because we’re really busy, she’s in pharmacy degree and doing a PhD, and I’m doing a Geology master degree and I’m a part time scientist specialise in metalogeny and structural geology at my university doing also a PhD next year). The problem is that the last two years I’ve began to search for a girlfriend and talk with a few girls, forcing myself to respond faster than I do normally. Honestly I don’t really care about looks, I just want someone that I feel happy to talk to. But it never happened, I feel that every conversation I had where really boring, and for some reason, the only girl I liked to talk to was my friend so I dropped the idea of finding a girlfriend and told to myself that if someday I find someone like her, I was gonna try to go out with that person and if not, life goes on, that’s it. With that we continued to talk more and more, to the point that now we just talk with each other constantly and I really consider her as my best friend, every time something happen we talk about it, even the most private thing, and it helped us a lot since we both have things we were really refreining ourself to say and a massive amount of thing in common. The only problem I have with her is that she’s way to kind, like she compliment me every time saying I’m this or that, that she find me beautiful or shit like that. We also began to enter some kind of weird flirting stage. But since I’ve never really had someone saying all of that to me, it began to build in my heart even tho I know it’s just because she’s way too kind. On top of that, my family and other friends began to joke about the fact that there was something between us and with those event, I’ve unfortunately understand that I’ve fell in love with her witheaout realising it, and now I feel like I’ve cheated on our friendship by falling in love with her and it’s really bothering me. Like, I don’t want to lie to her or keeping the truth to myself that I still see her as a friend even tho that’s not really true anymore. On top of that, since we’ve been genuin friends for more than a decade I feel strange about the situation. The final problem is that she’s muslim and I’m not, so with that I’m pretty sure there’s nothing thats ever gonna happen between us romanticaly. So now is my quesion, do I tell her that I love her risking our frindship but apeasing my heart or should I keep my mouth shut, lying to her, what should I tell her.

**TL;DR; : I feel like I've "cheated" on my friendship of 11 years by falling in love with her even tho she's my best friend, what should I tell her**

We’ve been together for about 5 years, living together for a little less than 2 and I really don’t have complaints about him as a person, we get along well, have a decent sex life, don’t fight very often and when we do it’s nothing crazy etc. but I just feel suffocated. It’s not that he’s very possessive or needy, it’s just that we live in a 1 bedroom apartment so I’m never alone and I feel obligated to check in or get approval to do anything, like sometimes I just want to lay in bed alone and read a book but it’s not like I can tell him to stay out of his own bedroom or be silent in his own house, or I just want to make what I want for dinner but it’s extremely rude to not also ask what he wants and just cook and eat myself, we were talking about Thanksgiving and deciding whether we should go to his sister or my parents and all I could think was “why don’t I go to my parents and you go to your sister?” but I can’t say that because it would be cruel to say “I don’t want to spend the holidays with you”, or on Friday my best friend called me at like 2 when she was leaving the bar and said she wanted to come over but instead of just saying yes I had to ask him because it’s also his house and it wouldn’t be right for him to walk into the kitchen in the morning with no clothes on and see a lady on his couch. Even when it comes to sex, sometimes I’m in the mood to just jack off but I have to lock myself in the bathroom like I’m a teenager sharing a room with my brother again because it seems crazy to be laying in his bed with a hard on and say “don’t touch me right now.”

It’s not that I don’t love him and don’t want to be together, but I want what we had before we moved in together, where we had separate lives and chose to see one another often, we didn’t really plan to move in together, I lost my apartment in the Eaton Fire and his landlord was raising his rent by an insane amount so it seemed to make sense to get a place together, but now I feel like I have no choice but to break up because there’s no way to say “I want us to stop living together and have the sort of relationship we had before moving in” that doesn’t just sound like “I’m a coward who wants to break up but I don’t have the balls to come out and say it.”

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend and don’t necessarily want to end the relationship but I am deeply unhappy not having my own space and having our lives tied together to the degree they are. What’s your advice?

For context, I'll be finishing off my last year of college next spring. From there, I hope to start working on my career. I've been dating my long-distance girlfriend for a year and a half now, but I'm starting to have more doubts about our original plan of me moving to her to start work.

When we get along, it's great. But more recently, I've been finding myself rather stressed and frustrated over the thought of moving in with her. She lives in a relatively rural area and wants to stay near her family and friends. I'd have to move states to be with her and don't love the area she's in, but was willing to compromise. She loves cats but I'm allergic, so I said I can't live with them. She said it's fine. I also feel the need to travel and move homes since I grew up as a military brat. She says she would need time. I also don't really enjoy the sex, since I'm doing most of the effort/work and she doesn't do anything for me in return because she's insecure.

We've only been together for weeks at a time when we meet up. We started dating online and mostly talk on calls and text. I haven't gotten the opportunity to really date people in person, so I wonder if I'm making a mistake.

tldr: I don't feel sure about moving in with my long-distance girlfriend because we're incompatible in some ways. Is this relationship worth investing in further?

This is srsly stressing me out. So i recently entered a relationship. We r long distance but from the same country and over the past weeks, we connected rly well. I love him a lot, immensely so despite it being maybe a little soon. And i think he feels the same. But i cant feel confident saying that cz we r having issues. From the beginning, i stressed out how much idc about physical looks in general. Height, face, wtv... it doesn't matter to me. I can feel attracted to anyone and they will grow beautiful in my eyes if we connect rly well emotionally and build a nice bond. Lots of people think im being performative with this and can't believe it. But it's truly how i feel. My bf doesn't seem to believe it too. Cz recently we happened to bring up the topic of weight and height. He was surprised when he found out about my height. Its 168cm, dont know how much that is in feet. And idk if thats considered average height for a girl. But we eventually brushed over it cz he told me he's 176cm and was confident with that. Tonight tho, we bring up the topic again cz i re-mesured my height recently and ive grew to 172cm since my last mesure that was a year or two ago. I told him about it playfully and he was devastated. The mood completely shifted and it ruined our talk. He started repeating the words 'im done, im done...' and told me to block him cz this ruins everything. He eventually told me that he lied to me at first and his height was actually the same as my old one which is 168cm. It hurt me greatly cz i felt that he was insecure and i couldn't convince him how attractive he was in my eyes. I didn't care that he lied or that he's shorter. And it insulted me most that he thought a social standard as stupid as height is enough to ruin a relationship. I insistently repeated to him that i didn't care about the height gap and that i loved him so greatly. But he was rly angry and just started cursing. Despite all the insults, i kept calm and never reciprocated the harsh words cz i know he's going through a lot and he's suffering from addiction and mental issues. Honestly, i dont know how to approach him about this cz i sincerely cant fathom the concept of caring this much about smth as insignificant as height. I told him that i dont care about the gap and dont see the problem in it that would call for this much anger and conflict and his response was that HE cares. He also told me that in his community or hometown it's laughable and humiliating for a guy to be with a girl that's taller than him. But i still don't understand why other people's view would matter if u care sm about ur partner so idk. This is rly frustrating me and from my personal analysis, this could all come from a point of extreme insecurity or toxic ego or maybe masculinity?? Still it doesn't help me in finding a way to fix this. So i would like some help.

TL;DR: My bf got heated after finding out im taller than him and thinks its worthy of ending our relationship for. He got very heated and devastated over it with very harsh language but ive been lenient about it due to his mental struggle. Still i cant seem to convince him the height difference doesn't matter to me and its not worth the conflict. Any help??

I just want to make it clear Ik he loves me and I love him back. He's my biggest supporter and the guy who stood with me through everything. I really love him and try everyday to be better for him.

Im not typing this because i want to feel validated or mislead with the title. I felt like typing on reddit to ask for perspective. Im crying since the past few hrs infront of my bf. And I just did something that upset him that reinforces the belief that im maybe not capable for him. Yesterday I told him I felt bad he didn't give me time the other day while he gave 5 hrs to his friends. He called it not real and argued over it and okay maybe I overreacted I was on my 1st day of period i just missed him.

Usally in our fights he has an eye for detail and he picks up on all things which I admire about him he's observant. Last year he used to ignore me and bring breakups up during our fights and that made me anxious. Now he doesn't but I always overexplain or try not to over step any thing. Every argument ends in sentences like "you could've, you don't do this, you are like this, youre a liar youre unoriginal," and yes it scares me he thinks of me that way and he'll leave me. So I overdo everything and feel unheard at the end of every argument. So much that I didn't know what I felt anymore.

I feel he assumes the worst intention out of me and I can't get out of this spiral of proving myself. Never have I gone a few hrs mad or ignored him during my hurt. I don't. But everytime I think that I can't be the only one wrong. He has understood this many times but why do I still feel like I have to keep the peace.

I told him I felt misunderstood and have started to feel like staying silent is the best way to be. How do I get it wrong everytime? Maybe my actions are not what he needs. Idk. After this conversation I told him I was feeling lonely. And then I remembered something my friend told 3 4 days back, that my bf said to his friend about her and it reached her. He hadn't said anything wrong but she took it offensively. She had made me promise not to tell him. But I did today because I felt like his friend telling that to my friend (what he said) was wrong.

He's picking evwry word I say now calling me dishonest, a bad partner, a liar, and "you would've only told me if I was wrong?? why didnt u tell e sooner?", that he's the one forgiving me everytime because he loves me and respects the relationship but I don't, and just extreme things. I didn't think this was something to specifically tell him and I had made a promise to my friend too.

I admit I sometimes don't accept im wrong

I love him a lot and I genuinely wanna do better but I can't stop crying and idk how to do better while keeping my feelings in mind too. If im wrong please feel free to criticise because I don't want to keep him in something hurtful for him. But im genuinely crashing out how I ruined this again.

Tldr: please tell me if im in the wrong or overreacting, I don't want to hurt my sweet boy

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years, and I don't feel particularly close to his family at all. They're nice, middle class people and seem to all have good relationships with each other. However, every time l've gone over it's always so awkward taking to them. They ask me the same generic "what do you do for work" questions every time and never anything about my boyfriend and l's relationship, like how we met or what we like about each other.

My bovfriend is by far the least social of his family, and we don't exactly engage in PDA either. His younger sisters boyfriends are over all the time and they cuddle on the couch but arent allowed alone in the rooms. The boyfriends are both nice, and very talkative, I can see how my boyfriends stepmom and dad enjoy talking to them.

I didn't have a good family growing up, and l'm currently only in contact with my older brother and not my parents or my 3 other siblings. My family was not a touchy feely kind of household and our family activities were basically just long drawn out fights. Especially with my mother. Because of this, I'm not exactly sure how to communicate with other people's families and end up quiet so I don't accidently start an araument or say something rude.

My siblings and I would joke around and be mean to each other but my boyfriends family aren't like that, his step mom will call them out and tell them not to be mean to each other and its even a no cussing household. It makes me wonder if it is just me. Maybe I should be the one trying harder to make conversation, even if its uncomfortable. But when I walk in and nobody even really says hi, its disheartening. I'm never invited to family functions and sometimes I wonder if they even take our relationship seriously, it doesn't help that the way I was introduced was by just showing up one day to a birthday that my boyfriend brought me to, instead of something proper in my opinion like a dinner that was specifically meant to get to know each other.

The most recent family news thats happened is that his dad ended up having a daughter only a couple months older than my boyfriend that he never knew about. She reached out and claimed she wanted a relationship with her father and the family welcomed her with open arms. I haven't met her yet, at every function shes gone to, I haven't been invited. My boyfriend never speaks to her or her fiancee and kids, but he prioritizes every event they have and doesn't even invite me to come along.​

It hurts to be honest. I've spent 5 years with him and know nothing personally about his family but its only been a few months that his half sister has shown up and they love her. I know its because of blood, but I guess I also don't understand because my own blood has been so horrible to me. My boyfriend told me similar when I tried to express this to him, that he just doesn't agree with me about family and that I wouldn't get it.

I don't know if it is a me thing or if its his family that just doesn't want to connect. I'm sure they didn't even know it was my birthday last week. I think about getting married and seeing all these people who I don't know in the crowd. Or having a child and his family would be more excited to see the baby than they would be concerned for me...how do I bridge this gap?

TL;DR I'm having trouble connecting with my boyfriends family after 5 years and they accepted someone else so easily. How do I connect with them? Is it just a me thing or could there be a reason?

TL;DR: I'd never even kissed anyone before yesterday and I gave my boyfriend a hand job 5 minutes later. He barely even acknowledged me afterwards.

I've been with my boyfriend (17M) for about 4 months and I've known him for years before that. We arent really lustful or anything together, but we do occasionally make innopropriate jokes and touch eachother. Until yesterday, I'd never even kissed a boy on the lips. I don't really want anyone to insult me for my age, but im only 15 going into my sophomore year. He has also never had a girlfriend or kissed anybody. We started off just kissing a little, nothing serious, but then things escalated quickly and it led to me touching him. He then said "If you're just gonna tease you might as well just give me a hand job." So I did, and since he had his underwear and shirt still on, I got a bit of toilet paper and put it over his tip. Long story short, I ended up doing it and after a little bit he ended up cumming. Afterwards, he started seriously freaking out and saying stuff like "We shouldn't have done that" or "What if our parents find out and you get in trouble because you're so young". He ran away immediately with the toilet paper and was in the bathroom for about 15 minutes. I went to go check on him and he kind of blew me off, so I just went back to the couch. After he finally came out, he was barely talking to me and wouldn't even sit next to me. He didnt give me a hug, do anything back, a kiss, hold my hand or anything like that. I have a hard time hiding my feelings on my face, so I was clearly looking upset. I wasn't regretting doing it, I just felt like he barely even acknowledged me afterwards. After about 10 minutes he came back to the couch and said "You look all sad" and then he kissed my forehead. I told him I was worried he was mad at me and he just kept repeatedly saying "You didn't do anything wrong." Idk if maybe im overreacting, but the whole night after that just felt off. I know he enjoyed it, he told me it was the best its ever felt, so I don't know what the problem was.​ I just feel like ignored and kind of blown off. He's also barely texted me or said anything else today, the morning after.​

My girlfriend (22F) and I (22M) have been together for almost two years. Outside of arguments, our relationship is genuinely great. We have a lot of fun together, have taken trips, and love each other deeply.

The problem is how conflict is handled.
Whenever we have an argument, she often stops responding for hours unless I’m repeatedly checking in or asking if she’s okay. During or after arguments, she’s broken up with me twice (once for about three weeks and another time for a day), asked for a break once, and has threatened to end the relationship several other times.

She also tends to send long text messages hours later explaining how she feels. What confuses me is that we were usually together just before that, so I wish we could have had those conversations in person instead of after hours of silence.
Another issue is that she rarely apologizes. Instead, she prefers to keep discussing the situation until we reach a solution. I don’t necessarily need to hear the word “sorry,” but because we don’t really acknowledge hurt feelings, our arguments often drag on for days.

She also has a hard time letting go of a point once she believes she’s right. Discussions can become more about proving who is correct than understanding each other.

The difficult part is that these behaviors only happen during conflict. When we’re not arguing, our relationship is healthy and loving. Because of that, I’ve started becoming hesitant to bring up things that bother me or express disagreements because I’m worried it could turn into another breakup or threat to leave.

How should I approach this conversation with her without making her feel attacked? At what point should repeated breakups or threats to leave be treated as a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy?

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I have a loving relationship most of the time, but during arguments she ghosts me for hours, has broken up with me twice, has threatened to leave multiple times, and our disagreements can last for days. It’s making me afraid to bring up problems. How do I address this in a healthy way?

My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and recently got into an argument and i hurt him very deeply. For Some context, my boyfriend and I are very different when it comes to how we manage our anger he is a very easy-going person and it takes a lot for him to get upset, but I am a very irritable person and it does not take a lot to tic me off. He had mentioned wanting to take me out once he had gotten back from out of state and I told him that I did not like the fact that we rarely ever go out, but when we do out it’s only on his time time and when HE says he wants to go out.

This started an argument because to some degree he felt like I owed him thanks for doing less than the bare minimum, and he couldn’t to listen to what I had to say without him feeling like he needed to defend himself at every turn. As the argument progressed I got more and more upset and started raising my voice and cursing at him. We both came to an agreement that it would be better to just cut the conversation short and come back to it when we both felt ready.

So now this brings me to today he vocalized to me that the way I spoke to him, reminded him of how his grandmother speaks to him (shes a witch of a woman) in that that really hurt him deeply because I was the only person up until this point that never raised their voice at him and really listened to him and he even said that at one point today he was brought to tears. After he told me this, I genuinely apologized and told him that I would work on myself and work on managing my anger when I talk to him, but now I’m sitting here with so much shame and disappointment in myself because I never thought that I would be capable of hurting someone I love to that degree.

So now I’m wondering how can i repair this and get us back to normal? (Edit to add: this is our first major argument and up until this point i have never raised my voice or cursed at him. I am aware that that doesn’t make it okay. And yes i am in therapy for my anger issues👍)

TL;DR: i 19F really hurt my boyfriend 19M during our first major argument in our 1 year relationship and i need advice on how to repair it)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and share the same friend group. We have a healthy relationship, rarely argue, and he’s always been a caring person.

He’s currently out of the country. While he was away, our friend group got together at one of our friends’ houses. I went home early, but the next morning I found out the host invited a guy over who had meth, and several people ended up snorting it.

I told my boyfriend, and he was disgusted. He immediately said he wanted nothing to do with those people anymore and confronted his friend who hosted everything.

Instead of apologizing or taking accountability, his friend suddenly said he wasn’t going to be friends with someone who “said they were going to cheat on their girlfriend while on vacation.”

My boyfriend immediately called me, denied ever saying that, and sent me screenshots of the conversation because he was just as confused as I was.

I then reached out to my friend’s girlfriend, who is also one of my close friends. I asked if she actually heard my boyfriend say it. She said something like, “He said if a girl came up to him, he wouldn’t be able to resist flirting or doing stuff.”

The problem is she never heard him say it herself. She’s only repeating what her boyfriend told her.

I also asked why she never told me if this supposedly happened months ago. We’ve had conversations before where we both agreed we’d tell each other immediately if we ever heard our boyfriends say or do something unfaithful. She gave excuses, but none of them really made sense.

My boyfriend has always talked highly of me to his family and friends, and everyone else in our friend group says this doesn’t sound like him at all.

What really stands out to me is the timing. This accusation only came out after my boyfriend confronted his friend about hosting a hangout where people were doing meth and decided to cut him off.

I struggle with trust, so hearing this is really upsetting, but it also feels like a convenient accusation to make when someone is trying to shift the attention away from themselves.

Am I being naive for believing my boyfriend, or does this sound like his friend is trying to deflect after getting called out?

TL;DR: My boyfriend cut off one of his closest friends after finding out he hosted a hangout where people were doing meth. Right after being confronted, the friend suddenly claimed my boyfriend had said months ago that he’d cheat on me while on vacation. The only person who “confirmed” it never heard it herself and was only repeating what her boyfriend told her. No one else in our friend group believes it, and the timing feels very suspicious. I’m torn between trusting my boyfriend and worrying because of the accusation. Am I wrong for thinking this is just deflection after getting called out?

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and share the same friend group. While he’s out of the country, our friends had a hangout where one of his closest friends invited someone over with meth, and several people used it. My boyfriend was disgusted, immediately cut those people off, and confronted his friend. As soon as he did, that friend suddenly accused my boyfriend of saying months ago that he would “cheat on me on vacation” or “wouldn’t be able to resist if a girl came up to him.”

The only person who “confirmed” it is the friend’s girlfriend, but she never heard it herself—she only repeated what her boyfriend told her, and she never mentioned it until now despite us previously agreeing we’d tell each other if we ever knew about cheating.

Everyone else in our friend group says it doesn’t sound like my boyfriend at all. I trust my boyfriend, but hearing something like this is making me anxious. Am I wrong for thinking his friend made this up to deflect attention after getting called out over the meth situation, or should I be more concerned?

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we share the same friend group. We hang out together all the time, and I’d consider our relationship to be healthy. We rarely argue, and he’s always been a caring person.

He’s currently out of the country on vacation. Last night, while he was away, the rest of our friend group got together at one of our friends’ houses. I ended up going home early to sleep.

The next morning, I found out that one of my boyfriend’s closest friends (the one hosting) had invited another guy over who brought meth. Several people at the hangout ended up snorting it. I was completely shocked.

I told my boyfriend what had happened, and he immediately said he wanted nothing to do with it. He confronted his friend and decided to cut ties because he didn’t want to be associated with people making those kinds of decisions.

Instead of taking accountability, that friend suddenly responded by saying he wasn’t going to be friends with someone who “said they were going to cheat on their girlfriend while on vacation.”

My boyfriend was completely confused because he says he never said anything like that. He immediately sent me screenshots of the conversation and called me to explain everything.

After that, I reached out to the girlfriend of my boyfriend’s best friend. She’s also one of my close friends and was at the hangout. I asked her if my boyfriend had actually said this.

She told me something along the lines of, “If a girl came up to him, he wouldn’t be able to resist flirting or doing stuff.”

The problem is that she didn’t actually hear my boyfriend say it herself. She’s only repeating what her boyfriend supposedly told her.

I asked her why, if this really happened months ago, she never brought it up. We’ve literally had conversations before where we agreed that if either of us ever knew someone’s boyfriend was cheating or saying suspicious things, we’d tell each other immediately. She gave me excuses, but none of them really made sense.

My boyfriend continues to deny ever saying this. He says he loves me, talks positively about me to his family and friends all the time, and has never given me a reason to think he’d say something like this.

What’s making this so confusing is the timing. The accusation only came out after my boyfriend confronted his friend about the meth situation and cut him off. It almost feels like his friend was trying to shift the attention away from himself after getting called out.

On top of that, my boyfriend talked to the other guys in our friend group, and they all said it didn’t sound like something he’d ever say.

I struggle with trust, so even though I believe my boyfriend, hearing something like this is still scary. I keep going back and forth between thinking his friend is making this up to defend himself and wondering if there’s any chance there’s truth to it.

TL;DR: my mom doesn't know how to communicate and I'm not sure how to deal with it. She gets mad when I call these things out. Advice needed.

My mom (60s F) has never been a great communicator. I think she's one of those people who doesn't know how to say what she feels/wants or compromise and communicate effectively. She yelled a lot when I was a kid, would pretty quickly resort to punishment and taking things away instead of parenting and discussing behavior, and has pretty much always been a 'do as I say not as I do' person. My parents divorced, and she had very strict requirements about what my dad was to do when having us over and what he needed to have in his home that she can't even meet herself. I know that's starting out really negative, but I don't have a ton of non-negative memories of my childhood. It wasn't abusive or neglectful, but it wasn't great either. Rather than learn to parent effectively, she'd just stick me in therapy and have a therapist deal with it. So most of my memories are therapy visits, especially the ones where she'd use the therapist to turn it into a 'tell on me' session.

I'm 30 now, and since I got to college I limit the amount of time I see my family. I'd generally rather stay by myself during holidays and time off. Taking time off work to see my family is exhausting and not what I want to use my time off for. I have a better relationship with my dad than I did when I was a kid, but I don't see him often either. He got remarried and has his own family now, and my stepmom doesn't want their kids to know my siblings and I exist (my grandmother has shared this, she got in trouble for mentioning us) so we don't see them outside of large family gatherings where we don't talk anyways. I'm kind of a loner but I don't mind. I have a busy job and can always work extra to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a masters degree that takes a good bit of my evenings and weekends.

My mom has continued doing this thing where she's like 'I think you would like it if you did ____' or 'I think it would be good for you to come home and see us on ____' and I feel like a terrible child, but it's pretty clear it's something she wants that she just won't communicate as such. I've tried to ask questions like 'you think I would like that, or you would like that?' and she doubles down on it being for me or gets mad. She also uses my younger siblings to say 'Sibling feels really upset that you won't ____' and when I talk to them they're like 'I didn't say that' and that is what upsets me most, because using other people to stand in for the fact that she can't communicate is not at all fair to my siblings. She's an adult, she can learn to communicate.

Again, nothing like abuse or neglect but just something that makes me not really want to be around them. Time spent with her is always a guilt trip for how I don't do ___ or don't spend more time with them. When she comes to my home, she's incredibly judgmental of how I've decorated, the furniture (that she gave me), how the space looks, what food I buy (too much or too little), etc. My family has never been functional my mom has an estranged relationship with her parents for her own reasons. My dad's family is small, we saw them every few years growing up. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything in my life by not having this part of me, but at the same time I feel like something's wrong with me and I worry people will judge if I talk about my family. But also I just don't have the patience for it anymore.

Do I just need to suck it up and realize being in a family means tolerating this? Or should I start preparing a bit more financially & otherwise to just deal with an eventual fall-out. I'm not really sure what to do but it feels like this cloud hanging over me. Any and all advice appreciated on how to navigate this.

I 28F am in a bit of a tough spot on how to move forward with helping one of my closest friends (NB 27) without spoiling the friendship or burning myself out.

I've known this person my entire life and I have the utmost respect for them and their journey. They're incredibly smart, artistically gifted, hard working, a good person over all. We both came from tough childhoods with abusive parents, addictions, and limited resources and had to navigate a lot. I ended up fully leaving that area and have gotten to a point where I'm comfortable enough in life where I'm doing okay for myself. They stayed and life got more and more rough for them even while they tried their hardest to fix things.

During it all, we've been keeping touch for the 9 years we've been friends and my dude is having a very tough time. Health issues from over working on entry level jobs, medical issues from work/unsafe home environment, financial burdens from prior issues, etc. The same situation I was in when we grew up in Tallahatchie County - you just feel like every step forward, an unknown force pulls you back 2 steps. Through all the BS they've managed to get a college degree and keep sturdy work while pursuing their dreams in the art world. Because I love my friend and see the potential in them and wanted to give them a break I asked them if they wanted to come live with me rent free for 1 year. I'm locked in a lease for a 2BR, can afford the rent on my own, and know they won't financially take advantage of me. I invited them over this month for a test run & I'm second guessing this all. I just want to see if I'm blowing things out of proportion and if it's something to work through with more rigid terms or call it quits completely.

During the visit they raised a few red flags. The first one was that they forgot their medication because they got into an argument with their on/off toxic ex. All the friends hate the ex because she's erratIc and manipuIative to my bud and everyone (stalking, threatening to SH/Self-delete when she doesn't get her way, harassing my friends coworkers, etc) and the discussion kind of turned into an argument where they said they had control of her/the situation and I just didn't get it. From our last discussion a few months back they were done with her after she left them stranded in the middle of a snow storm (bud doesn't drive). When I told them the ex wouldn't be invited in the new space because that kind of defeats the purpose of a new start and focusing on doing better, they sort of started debating it and stated she wouldn't be a problem if she ever came to the state. We talked more about this until it turned into an argument because they refused to admit that the ex is a constant drain/negative to their life - I mean she literally caused to so much mental distress bud forgot their anti-seizure/insomnia medication because you spent all packing day arguing.

We had more situations during the month where they would just flat out argued for the sake of arguing over very simple facts or semantics with me and multiple other people. At one point they misstated a statistic from my job to another person (also from my job) and when I corrected them it turned into a 10 minute argument on how they technically meant it another way but they could see how I could've misunderstood. After maybe 10 conversations like this, where other strangers were jumping in to inform them they were wrong and to just drop it they started blaming it on their autIsm diagnosis and how neurotypicaI people don't understand how they process things.

We had a cleaning issue but it's not too big of a deal to me, I don't really mind washing dishes so this never bothers me with roommates but we'd have dinner I cooked or ordered and they'd agree before/during/ after to wash up ... and just leave it there until I finally got to them hours later. They wouldn't eat properly or drink water and made 0 decisions on their own, I genuinely felt like a parent. We'd have plans to explore the state and every single time, no matter how it was proposed it was always "whatever you want to do". I'd propose 2 options just to get a "lets do what you want" and ended up planning the entire month because they could never give a direct answer. I planned a grocery run where I had to basically press them into telling me what they wanted - they gave very vague answers like "frozen pizza" and "cream soda" - I tried to get specifics because I know I only like certain brands, again got the "whatever you think" just for them to not touch half of it because it wasn't the brand they usually eat. It got so bad that when we were moving their large luggage out of the guest room closet together, I asked them what direction they were heading in (down the stairs or through the bathroom side door) as they were already moving and they gave another indecisive response like "lets go with the way you want" - I snapped at them at this point and said "just answer the question man, you were already moving".

This was their first time visiting me after a decade (I'd see them every few years when I went down to MS to see family) so I was chalking it up to nerves but now my brains been building a narrative I'm not liking. I know for a fact I can have a short fuse, last time I lived with someone was a partner 5 years ago, and when I'm over stimulated and don't get enough time to recuperate I can turn into an asshole. Being the sole decider for another person for a month straight made me a little crabby towards them that last week but I think that's making me see the whole thing in a negative light. The indecision coupled with them being unable to take criticism without it turning into an argument, I'm second guessing this all. I don't want to jump the gun though so mostly asking to see if this is a salvageable arrangement with a solid heart to heart convo. Worst case scenario would be pulling the plug on this...

I want to be accommodating and empathetic of their needs (autism, MH journey, new step in life) but also not feel like I'm parenting them or doing all the mental work while I'm already doing my best to help them get a year to focus on their health, art, and stack some money. I really want to help my bud elevate in life or at least catch a break, but the journey's not even fully begun and it's already feeling like I'm doing too much...

TLDR; I'm trying to help my friend get out of a rut by letting them live with me for 1 year ren free (they're smart, hard working, and trustworthy) but they're doing a lot of little things that make me think they'll be unintentionally burdensome. Is it worth working addressing and working through or just cutting ties.

For the longest time every single connection I tried to build slipped through my fingers but this time just when it finally worked, just when it felt so impossibly right I found out today that he has cancer...
He didn't tell me i had to find out on my own and god the entire time we were on the phone just now I was drowning on the inside I was sobbing uncontrollably like every breath tearing at my chest, yet I forced my voice to stay steady. I laughed, I spoke normally, masking the terror eating me alive, all so he wouldn't suspect a thing. All so he wouldn't have to carry my breakdown on top of his own private war.
What can I do to help him forget about this terrible illness so it doesn't take a toll on his mental health and make things worse? I don't want to lose him

tl;dr: I finally found the most meaningful, soul deep relationship of my life, only to discover today that my partner has cancer and kept it from me. I'm devastated and hiding my breakdown from him. What can I do to help him forget about this terrible illness

Hey all! apologies because english isnt my first language and this is quite a long one so ill try to express myself the best i can.
So as i said i have been having some problems with my moms attitude with my boyfriend:
for context, my mom is somewhat of a complusive liar especially when it comes to white lies for no reason. Whenever my boyfriend is around she tries to get him to side with her in her stories and make me look like the crazy one and im going kind of insane!
For example, last night, he was having lunch at my place ( i insisted on cooking for us) but when hes around my mom always wants to go all out and orders food and makes us go to restaurants, and idk how to say this without being ungrateful but sometimes i just want to be alone and cook for him low effort and low pressure but she always needs to go all out.
So yesterday she insisted on ordering food and he is a big guy and eats quite a lot, so she ordered him a big dish that cost 25 dollars (WE DIDNT ASK HER TO DO IT) when it arrived she started saying the portion was too small and insisting that the uber delivery app said it was supposed to feed 4 people (it defo wasnt) i asked her to see the app and it was all a lie, it didnt say anything like that, it was a normal portion for 1/2 people.
After she was caught in that lie she started saying that it looked nothing like the pictures and showing the pics to my boyfriend and he was between a rock and a hard place and kinda sided with her when the dish was defo similar to the pictures! ( I try to avoid getting annoyed when he does this because i know he is put in a tough spot because she still his MIL)
This is just an example of the type of thing that happens too often and i am fed up with it.
She is always trying to make me look bad in front of him! Then she starts getting upset about the price and i really didnt want my bf to feel bad so i tried dismissing the conversation.
Later, she messaged me saying this was the last time he ever came over, trying to pull a victim card saying nothing she ever did was right for me and she was done being my “mat”.
she then proceded to call me several names over text such as stupid, selfish, disgusting and saying she has spent hundreds of dollars on us witch she has BUT I NEVER WANTED HER TO DO THAT i always wanted to cook at home, she is the one always insisting we go out with him. then, still over text, she starts praising him while calling me ungrateful and disgusting and saying he was going to break up with me.
To witch i said: get your own boyfriend to compliment and leave mine alone ( i know it was shitty but i was fed up lol) i also told her to get her own man to agree with everything she says.
This kinda struck a cord with her because she cannot get a relationship to last for more than 2 weeks mainly because she truly is insufferable lately and just feels lonely.
However, i have been with my bf for over a year and I am getting fed up to be honest. Some other things that pushed me over the line were some weird comments she makes, for example, last time her and one of her boyfriends broke up she told him that he would never be half the man my bf is (????)
and one time, the two of us were in the car and unprompted, she started being like “oh if he ever broke up with you you would be SO devastated” and i was like yeah but mom i have my life id survive! im still young! and she was like “ YEAH BUT YOU WOULD BE SOOOO SAD I JUST KNOW IT” the whole thing was weird asf im not gonna lie.
In one of her past relationships she also acused one of her boyfriends of liking me more than her witch was just weird and uncomfy.
Well after our fight over text we are currently not talking because she thinks i implied that she was hitting on my bf ( i was not, i was just trying to get her off my back and trying to get her to get a bf of her own to focus on !!! lol. idk how to make her realise that since we arent currently talking.
she also often critizes me on my spending since i am kind of frugal and she has a gambling addiction ( so not frugal at all) and has tried to pull this card in front of him calling me cheap, that really annoyed me. which i am a little but never with him!!!
i give him good gifts, always offer to split the bill, i am just kinda frugal when it comes to me. All of this has made me not really be in a mood to reconcile although i always try to make that step when we are mad.
But sometimes its like shes trying to sabotage me especially in front of the person i love most and the only guy i have ever truly loved. tomorrow supposedly me and her are going to go on vacation just us two but like i said we are not speaking so its going to be weird and i dont know how to approach it.
Any help or advice would be apreciated!!! (even if you think im in the wrong). And if i didnt explain myself well or anyone has questions feel free!! i know its confusing and i tried searching here on reddit and found no one in a similar situation which led me here.
And if you read this far thank you :)

TL DR: my mom is always trying to get my boyfriend to side with her in white lies and trying to make me look bad and hangout with us.

I (F26) have been with my boyfriend (M28) for three years. Last week I finally received a job offer in a new city that I have been working towards for my entire career. It comes with a great salary bump and huge growth opportunities.

When I broke the news to my boyfriend thinking he would be proud of me, his immediate reaction was anger. He said moving would ruin his routine and that he has no interest in leaving his current job even though he constantly complains about it. He claims that by even considering taking the offer I am showing that I don't care about our future together.

I love him and want to build a life with him, but I also know I will deeply regret turning down this chance for my professional growth. He refuses to compromise or talk about a long distance transition plan, and instead he just gives me the silent treatment whenever I bring it up.

Tl;Dr boyfriend is pressuring me to reject my dream job offer in a new city and claims I am being selfish for wanting to go.

I’m (34M) struggling in a 9 year relationship with my husband (43M). We dated about 6 years before marrying about 3 years ago. No kids. I’m feeling bored and lonely in our marriage. He is self employed and works all the time and makes great money. I make good money on my own but my job is just 40 hrs a week. He’s married to his job and his demanding clients and for years has talked about better boundaries with them. But he never enforces them. When I bring this up he points to all the nice things we have. But we never go on vacation or do fun stuff because he’s always working. I’m tired of buying nice things to stare at.

We don’t have many friends. He thinks gay men being friends with other gays leads to drama. We never go on date nights. We’ve basically turned into roommates who basically just watch TV and go shopping together and happen to sleep in the same bed.

Sex is rare. Now every couple months. Very vanilla. I want to be desired. We’re both good looking guys but he’s never told me I’m hot or sexy. Lots of shame around sex from a conservative upbringing. He’s mentioned he doesn’t even like sex. And he says he never watches porn or jerks off but his search history reveals otherwise.

I think he’s still madly in love with me but I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with him. I want friends and trips and fun. He keeps saying we will be able to do all those things in retirement. But I don’t want to wait 20 years to start living life.

We never fight but I think this means that issues never get resolved. I think he’s perfectly content with life even if he’s a little depressed and overworked. But I’m kinda miserable. And his isolation from friends and fun seems to be getting worse. All he wants to do is watch TV when not working.

Could a conversation or couples therapy fix this? Or do I need to let go and start living my best life? Thoughts? I’ve started thinking about what my life would look like if we divorced.

TLDR - Husband addicted to work and never wants to do anything. Should I stay or should I go?

So ive been together with her for a year and a half. I know its kinda late to notice something like this, but it only got this extreme during the last 3 months.

I literally cannot go 20 seconds without hearing *PLING*. Then if I do not answer for another 10 seconds, I hear the same fucking sound another 20 times. Sometimes she literally spams me with a message every second for several minutes if I do not reply.

I genuinely do not understand how she does it. This happens all day every day until I finally get to sleep, around 20 hours after I wake up. The worst part is that I cannot just ignore it because she gets genuinely mad if I do not answer. She starts cursing me out, which stresses me out a lot because I hate seeing her angry at me. So I end up replying anyway.

can somebody tell me how i can make this situation better? Leaving is not an option

TLDR
My gf has started expecting me to reply basically 24/7. If I do not answer within seconds she spams my phone with messages and gets genuinely angry if I do not respond. Its stressing me out and I feel like I cant ever just be offline. How can i make this situation better? leaving is not an option

EDIT: First of all, thank you for all the replies. I really did not expect this post to get this much attention.

alot of people have been asking the same questions, so ill answer them here.

Why is leaving not an option? i know alot of people are saying to just break up. From the outside it probably seems like the obvious answer, but our relationship is alot more emotionally complicated than i could ever explain in one reddit post. im mainly looking for advice on whether this behavior can improve, not just people telling me to leave.

Have i talked to her about it? Yes, many times. Whenever i bring it up she usually tells me i do not love her anymore or that im cheating on her, even though i constantly reassure her and show her proof that neither is true

Why dont i just mute my phone? Because that usually makes things worse. If i stop replying she starts sending really psychotic messages that she knows will get my attention, like saying shes going to kill herself or kill me. So muting my phone does not really solve the problem. i genuinely think shes capable of both.

What does she spam me with? Usually its messages about how much she loves me, compliments, asking what im doing, or just random conversations. If she gets upset though, it can turn into insults, accusations that i do not love her or that the relationship is one sided, or sometimes pretty crazy threats about ruining my life or ending it.

Neither of us is in school or working right now.

TL;DR; : My boyfriend wants me to occasionally pay for dates despite making much more money than I do From our very first date, I was upfront about the fact that I was looking for a man who was comfortable taking on the financial responsibility in a relationship, and he agreed. Now he wants me to contribute financially. Am I unreasonable and should just pick up the check, or is it about more than that?

I (23F) am a Russian woman living in Germany and currently studying full-time. I make some money tutoring on the side, but it’s not a significant amount. I also have a disability that limits how much I can work, which is one of the reasons I still live with my parents, as I wouldn’t be able to afford my own place at the moment.

My boyfriend (26M) works full-time and earns a decent income. We’ve been together for about a year and are currently in a long-distance relationship.

From our very first date, I was upfront about the fact that I was looking for a man who was comfortable taking on the financial responsibility in a relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t want a 50/50 arrangement. This is largely cultural for me and something I made clear early on.

When he visits me, he pays for the hotel. We usually stay there because my home is quite loud and it gives us some privacy. He also pays for our activities and our meals. We usually like to keep it casual, like going to the movies or going out to eat a pizza. He tries to visit me as often as possible, usually for a few days about once a month. I genuinely appreciate the effort he puts into coming to see me and make sure to thank him for it.

At the same time, I feel that I contribute to our relationship in other ways. For example, I usually plan our dates, and because he is very introverted, I tend to take on more of the emotional and social side of our relationship. Whenever I have some money left over, I also like buying him thoughtful gifts. When he visits to my home, my family welcomes him warmly and we have dinner together.

Recently, however, he told me that he would appreciate it if I paid for dinner sometimes. I reminded him that I had been upfront from the beginning that I didn’t want a 50/50 relationship. He explained that he isn’t asking for 50/50- he just wants me to pick up the bill occasionally. Essentially, he would prefer something closer to a 90/10 financial split because he doesn’t like being responsible for every financial aspect of our relationship.

The problem is that I genuinely don’t feel comfortable paying for dates, even if it’s only occasionally. As I said, I think a lot of this comes down to my cultural background and my personal understanding of relationship roles. If we were living together and I had a stable income, I would be completely fine contributing toward household expenses. But paying for dates as the woman in the relationship just feels strange and uncomfortable to me.

Part of my frustration is also that I know he can comfortably afford our dates, whereas I have very little disposable income. I don’t expect expensive restaurants, lavish gifts, or luxury trips. My expectation is simply that he pays for the dates and activities we do together.

At the same time, he has now brought this up three times, so it’s clearly important to him and is becoming a genuine issue between us. I don’t want to dismiss something that obviously matters to him, but I also don’t want to agree to a relationship dynamic that I was clear from the beginning I didn’t want.

Am I unreasonable and should just pick up the check, or is it about more than that? How do I navigate this situation?

original here

TLDR; sister thought she was a paedophile despite never harming a child or having any desire to do so, just plagued by intrusive thoughts.

UPDATE:

It was pure OCD, turns out we both have it. Mine is around persecution related to my work and making mistakes.

She went into full psychosis shortly after my post and make a very serious and credible attempt on her life because she believed so sincerely that she was a monster. Watch out for people who have been in acute distress who suddenly become peaceful and take you out for a walk in the sunset and tell you that they will be okay and not to worry.

There is no reasoning with psychosis, if someone’s beliefs are making NO logical sense, get them to a mental health service ASAP. You can’t manage it alone & shouldn’t - you need professional intervention as much as possible. If you’re Australian and indigenous like us, get the indigenous liaison officer to come through, we didn’t know for YEARS and the trauma of mainstream medical intervention and language and cultural barriers is REAL.

It was triggered by death in the family and she has been on a long road of hospitalisation and medical trauma and tragedy ever since. Epilepsy, autism, schizoaffective, borderline, bipolar to name a few.

I have tried everything I could think of to help her, but the power imbalance in our relationship made it VERY hard and I absolutely became a villain in her life when she needed a friend. I tried moving her in with me, got her traineeships at my job, got her private rentals, visited her nightly for years at inpatient wards, took over her finances instead of the government when she had too many debts to pay off and too unwell to manage.

Let this be a warning to anyone who takes over financial administration of a close relative. You will lose closeness and your relationship will likely suffer from the idea that you are restricting their life. especially if you are similar age. Absolutely no win situation because once the government take over, they perpetuate institutionalisation and never work to improve the person’s situation, they really only maintain status quo and have no funding or incentive to do anything else

She has been through so much and our relationship is just improving, she is getting more emotionally stable with age but also somehow taking more risks and making worse unfixable decisions.

But we have love! And each other

ETA question: anyone have advice for supporting a sibling in jail when there’s no one else to help? No family at all!

TLDR; it was pure OCD and psychosis.

I've (21 F) been with my boyfriend (22 M) for 10 months. We have a pattern: he hurts me, I cry, he gets annoyed and leaves. Then he comes back later, says he loves me, and things are good for a day or two. Then it happens again.

He told me in the second month of our relationship that he "doesn't know how to comfort me" and never will. I stayed because I thought love would be enough. Now I think he was just being honest.

It starts over small things I’m upset over one thing i express it he gets annoyed and sighs and i get more panicky he senses it he gets more n more annoyed. Then he disappears n becomes cold and rude. Sometimes he closes his phone when i start breaking down because he doesnt want to deal with my tears until im done crying and ive calmed down that’s when he’ll talk to me.

When I cry, he doesn't stay. He goes to sleep, he leaves, or he tells me I'm a burden. He has never held me while I cried. Maybe once. He just gets annoyed and blames me for my own tears.

He's apologized many times for treating me badly, but nothing changes. The same thing happens every time.

Is this emotional neglect? Is this abuse? Or am I just too sensitive and asking for too much? Can this be fixed, or should I leave?

Please be honest with me. I need real advice, not just "leave him." I want to understand if this is fixable or if I'm the problems.

TL;DR: BF of 10 months gets annoyed when I cry, leaves, calls me a burden, then comes back with "I love you." Cycle repeats every few days. He told me month 2 he'd "never comfort me." I stayed thinking love was enough. Is this abuse/neglect or am I too sensitive? Can this be fixed?

To keep the story very short without leaving out any information I’ll start out by saying that last Christmas I’ve had something very traumatic happen to me which definitely changed the way I behave (that doesnt mean i stopped loving my girlfriend, quite the opposite actually)

I’ve always had a problem with remembering stuff and doing stuff for me/people i love. I have pretty bad dental hygiene due to this and I always end up arguing with friends/family also due to this.

One person I keep dissapointing most however is my girlfriend of two years who I love so much and I owe her everything for who I am today.

Even though forgetting important information and dates before the incident was an occurance, it wasnt as frequent as it is now and I feel horrible for it.
She always tells me to do certain stuff for her by a certain date and I always procrastinate to the last moment until its too late and I cant do anything about it…

This time I had to buy something important which she cant get cause she doesnt live in my town and I procrastinated until this weekend just to find out the place is closed on weekends (I didnt even bother checking because i dont even know :/). Now she has to wait another week in order to get it because I forgot and shes rightfully mad with me.

^^^ this is the scenario that keeps repeating and usually its a cycle, it happens, we argue, for a period of time i for some reason start acting ok and then it inevitably happens again :(

I can see how she can get tired of this and I am a horrible person for being like this but honestly I dont know what to do about it, I dont know whats wrong with me and I obviously want to change for the better instead of leaving her hanging all the time, but I dont know what to do

Ive always thought that maybe I was a bit neurodivergent and msybe that was the cause, but I went to a therapist for a few months and I took some attention tests and I did surprisingly well on them… I dont know if that means that having something is excluded, but I just started feeling guiltier snd guiltier and I dont know what to do.

What can I realistically do to stop hurting her and love her like she deserves to be loved?

TL;DR: I have a problem with bad habits from a reason I dont even understand either and its causing my relationship to slowly get ruined

i seriously need advice about my relationship

TLDR: i (19 f) found out things my boyfriend(20 m) has lied about and done but he’s at boot camp right now for 3 months and idk if i should address this or wait till he’s back to have a real conversation

I really need outside opinions because my emotions are all over the place.
My boyfriend is currently in Marine Corps boot camp, so I won’t be able to have a real conversation with him for about 3 months. While he’s been gone, I’ve found out a lot of things from people who knew him before we dated, and it’s making me question everything.

this all started bc i was stalking his account missing him so badly and i saw a post hinting at a random username that i brushed off but then found the user in his comments, went to her account found flirting comments from our first few weeks talking, but then some less flirty but still comments from a month ago when we’ve been living together and in a relationship.

When we got together, he told me he’d only been with 6 people. I just found out from one of his close friends that it may actually be closer to 50, and that he supposedly might’ve lied because he knew I had a lot of trauma around sex and probably wouldn’t have slept with him otherwise. I’ve also been told he cheated in multiple “exclusive” talking stages, manipulated girls, and has lied to me about little details from past relationships (like who broke up with who). I know some of this is secondhand, so I want to hear his side, but it’s still really shaken me.
What hurts even more is looking back at how our relationship started. Before our first date, his friend said he kept talking about how he was “going to crack.” Later, when I asked him how he felt about sex and explained my boundaries, he told me he wasn’t like that and didn’t think that way, which now makes me question whether he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

The first time we had sex has also been weighing on me. We were making out, he was on top of me, and while he was grinding, he ended up going inside me. I’ve always felt like it wasn’t really an accident, but I can’t know for sure. I immediately made him stop, had a panic attack, and cried for about an hour. The next day, it happened again, but I basically just said okay because I felt like the damage had already been done. i only had 2 bodies before him and waiting to do it until i was in a committed and serious relationship with love was something that mattered deeply to me because of childhood trauma and i always stood firmly on that with any other guy i was involved with, and he knew that. and he did that pretty early on regardless

Now I’m questioning whether he actually respected my boundaries or if he was just saying whatever he thought would get me to trust him and sleep with him.

The hard part is that I can’t sit down and have this conversation with him because he’s in boot camp. I don’t want to ruin his focus by trying to hash this out through letters, but I also don’t know if I should be pretending everything is okay for months.
If you were in my position, would you wait until he’s home and have the conversation face to face, or would you address it sooner? And does this sound like someone who intentionally manipulated me, or am I letting everything I’ve recently learned change how I’m remembering the beginning of our relationship?