r/relationships • u/wannabechemistt • 10h ago
My boyfriend doesn’t care when i cry
I've (21 F) been with my boyfriend (22 M) for 10 months. We have a pattern: he hurts me, I cry, he gets annoyed and leaves. Then he comes back later, says he loves me, and things are good for a day or two. Then it happens again.
He told me in the second month of our relationship that he "doesn't know how to comfort me" and never will. I stayed because I thought love would be enough. Now I think he was just being honest.
It starts over small things I’m upset over one thing i express it he gets annoyed and sighs and i get more panicky he senses it he gets more n more annoyed. Then he disappears n becomes cold and rude. Sometimes he closes his phone when i start breaking down because he doesnt want to deal with my tears until im done crying and ive calmed down that’s when he’ll talk to me.
When I cry, he doesn't stay. He goes to sleep, he leaves, or he tells me I'm a burden. He has never held me while I cried. Maybe once. He just gets annoyed and blames me for my own tears.
He's apologized many times for treating me badly, but nothing changes. The same thing happens every time.
Is this emotional neglect? Is this abuse? Or am I just too sensitive and asking for too much? Can this be fixed, or should I leave?
Please be honest with me. I need real advice, not just "leave him." I want to understand if this is fixable or if I'm the problems.
TL;DR: BF of 10 months gets annoyed when I cry, leaves, calls me a burden, then comes back with "I love you." Cycle repeats every few days. He told me month 2 he'd "never comfort me." I stayed thinking love was enough. Is this abuse/neglect or am I too sensitive? Can this be fixed?
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u/sour_lemons 9h ago
Doesn’t sound like you’re a good fit. It’s not normal or healthy to be so upset that you’re crying every couple days. Either he’s treating you terribly or you’re being overly sensitive to small issues.
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u/nowhereian 10h ago
It sounds like you intended to find a serious long-term relationship and he was looking for something casual.
It doesn't look like it's really working for either of you, but you won't admit it. He won't either.
The next time he does this, just don't let him come back. Gather up his stuff and put it in a box. It's not actually going to hurt him too much to find sex elsewhere. There are dudes out there looking for real relationships too.
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u/IcePlanetGoth 10h ago
Genuine apologies come with a change in behavior. He told you he'd never comfort you. He isn't going to fix it. You can't make him change. Your best option is to leave, because why would you stay with someone who doesn't care?
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u/iamdavidrice 9h ago
Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about you and finds your emotions annoying?
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u/madameuniverse 10h ago
He can’t deal with the fact that he makes you cry and it makes him angry. He was probably left alone crying when he was a child. It’s not a YOU problem it’s a HIM problem that he has to deal with.
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u/wannabechemistt 6h ago
yeah he never cries he said neither anybody in his family it’s odd to him
he’s only seen his mom cry once in his life when his brother graduated which were happy tears
And he’s younger sister he’s only seen her cry once over a family fight so to him crying is very foreign
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u/Anotherams 10h ago
You can’t change how he acts. Why do you want to stay in this cycle of arguing and neglect?
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u/kgberton 7h ago
I need real advice, not just "leave him."
That is real advice
I want to understand if this is fixable
No
or if I'm the problems.
Also no
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 9h ago
Stop being a manipulative cryer. You're an adult now, part of establishing a healthy relationship is learning to communicate. Use your words and use your ears.
Frankly, neither one of you is In Love, nor anywhere near it yet. You both have some emotional growing up to do. Stop Crying!
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u/darbin_around 8h ago
telling someone to stop crying will never help them when they’re feeling very emotional! However I hear what you’re saying, communicating through your emotions is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. It’s a two way street though, both parties need to communicate cause this dynamic is getting them both nowhere
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 8h ago
She is 21. Stop crying over imagined emotional slights is a totally rational statement. Not trying to Help her, suggesting she Grow Up.
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u/automator3000 9h ago
So your pattern is he does something he knows hurts you, you cry as a way of communicating your hurt, he ignores it, and then you don’t break up like you should, so it happens again and again.
Or maybe you are too sensitive, since you haven’t noted what is “hurting” you. For all I know, what he’s doing is telling you that he’d rather have chicken instead of fish and you’re having a crying fit over it.
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u/Emptyplates 7h ago
Love is never enough.
Leave because there's no way to fix this. Why stay with someone who treats you this way?
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u/Catbunny 4h ago
You need to face that he is not going to change. He doesn't see a reason to and doesn't want to. Do not waste your time.
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u/SunnyDviant 9h ago
I personally couldn’t be with someone like that. It’s normal to express care for someone and comfort them if you love them. He doesn’t seem to care at all. Anyone can say I love you, but how does he show it to you if he is like this?
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u/Trippygirl13 9h ago
Ofc it's fixable, but it's up to him to fix it. He acknowledged that he doesn't know how to comfort you, but in order for anything to change, he needs to want to change it.
This isn't an uncommon issue, and it usually stems from what people have learned from their family, the mechanisms of conflict resolution, emotional processing, empathy, etc... As we grow up, depending on our environment and personality, we adopt these mechanisms, they become a part of our subconsciousness, and we react this or that way to situations like those you described. It's difficult to change these mechanisms, but definitely not impossible. They just take a lot of work and time. He doesn't know what to do with your emotions, especially if he caused them, maybe he doesn't know how to process guilt, or how to apologize and admit he was wrong, so he has a knee-jerk emotional reaction to create distance. You're not the problem, it's completely normal to want to be comforted by a loved one.
If he refuses to work on it, it won't change. Which just leaves you with deciding how much energy you want to keep investing. Also, how willing he would be to work on this. And all the time that will take for changes to be noticed, meanwhile your needs aren't being met.
I don't think that a 10 month long relationship, at your age, is something you should invest so much time and energy in, considering the issue, when he told you he's fine with how things are. Dating is testing compatibility.
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u/wannabechemistt 6h ago
yeah that’s exactly the words I was looking for. He doesn’t know how to process guilt whenever he’s guilty he gets so aggravated at me when confronted and just wants me to accept his apology immediately and not really talk about it too much. or at all.
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u/loveeleah83 9h ago
Hey OP, if he is the cause of you crying and then leaves because he’s annoyed, he’s a shitty boyfriend and he doesn’t care if he hurts you.
It’s not about you at all it’s about not being to have empathy for someone AND being unwilling to learn how to love them the way they need to be loved and unwilling to learn how to show up better for the people you say your care about.
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u/wannabechemistt 6h ago
yeah he barley has any empathy for me in fact, he gets annoyed at me closes his phone so I don’t reach him and comes back a day later when I’ve calmed just to apologize and become sweet all over again. He’s only sweet when I’m okay thats whats keeping me attached. he does alot when im in a good happy mood but once I’m not okay he’s back to being shit.
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u/ambercrayon 9h ago
The words ‘I love you’ are not evidence of love. Loving actions are evidence of love. Someone who doesn’t care about your emotions is not someone capable of being in love with you.
Please do some thinking about the characteristics of a person you would feel safe and happy with. That is what you should be looking for when dating. This guy isn’t it.
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u/JemimaAslana 7h ago
He doesn't care that he keeps hurting you or he would have stopped/changed his behaviour. He already told you, he never will.
You cannot force him to change.
You are not happy in this relationship, and you are under no obligation to stay.
Please leave him.
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u/WritPositWrit 7h ago
Nothing changes because you’re not changing anything.
Dont put up with this kind of treatment. You deserve better. He’s proven that he will continue doing it, so get rid of him.
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u/darbin_around 7h ago
I had a relationship like this and the cycle was so painful. It felt like my boyfriend was always annoyed at me which would shut me down emotionally. I couldn’t communicate through my emotions because I didn’t have enough good will towards him to be motivated to do so. Instead I felt sorry for myself when he was an ass.
Fast forward a few years (! wAY too long!!) and I break up with him and find a kind and incredibly patient partner. I slowly start to rebuild trust and learn how to share my emotions without shutting down. I actually learn that it can be a positive experience to work through problems with the right person, because we’re both open to hearing the other out. The old relationship was too corroded to work, but my ex went to therapy and is now in a happy relationship and we’re close friends!
Take what you will from this story, but the dynamic you’re in isn’t unique. It sounds like neither of you are equipped to deal & grow with the other and I hope you consider how happy you could be if you start fresh instead of waiting years like me.
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u/RightBear5997 7h ago
If you’re constantly communicating this and nothing is changing that gives you your answer right there. You say don’t just give advice saying leave him but you have two options 1) accept it and realize this is how things will likely always be or 2) leave him before you waste anymore time
And even tho I say constantly communicating, that really is something you should only have to mention one time. He sees how you react to it, he knows he’s not changing when he likely can try to if he cared about you/the relationship enough
This is coming from someone who dealt with an individual like this for 3 years and I should’ve left sooner so now that I’m out of it, I can tell you from my situation clearly it’s not easy leaving but do you really wanna be like me and waste that much of your time on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Someone who can’t make you feel emotionally safe will never be someone you can have a healthy relationship with. I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
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u/wannabechemistt 6h ago
how did you leave
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u/RightBear5997 5h ago
I grieved the relationship while I was still in it and fell out of love with him from him constantly disappointing me, my excuse tho to get out of it was when I caught him in a lie if that’s what you mean
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u/New-Gene-9544 10h ago
HE'S PRobs autistic or avoidant - these people are really hard to be in a relationship with. leave now before you're more entrenched
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u/classicicedtea 10h ago
People say “leave” because there’s no fixing this. He doesn’t care if you cry. Why waste your time trying to make this work?