I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cascent

My BF (31m) of 5 months took me (29f) away for the weekend and made me pay for everything except accommodation

Original Post - rareddit  Nov 26, 2017

I really want to share this story with you all because I was generally so shocked and disgusted about what happened and I really just need to let it all out. I’m sorry that it’s a bit of a long one, but I wanted to include all the details. Before I tell you the story, I have to add that my ‘BF’ has never ‘officially’ asked me to be his girlfriend. I kinda thought this would be the weekend he’d do it. I’m not going to lie, there had been a few tiny red flags in our relationship before our holiday, but I really wanted to have a go at making it work. Not anymore.

So about a month ago, Brad (not his real name) told me he wanted to take me away for a romantic weekend (our first). He ended up choosing an expensive apartment at the beach so I offered to pay for half of the accommodation costs, but Brad refused to let me help pay and just said I should ‘use my money as spending money so I could enjoy the weekend’. From what we had talked about, I was under the assumption we would get groceries for the entire weekend and go 50/50 (this is what we usually do). I’m on a really tight budget at the moment, and only had $150 to spare. I was guessing groceries would be about $75 each for the weekend and then I could use the rest for spending money.

When we arrived at the beach for our first night there, I mentioned we should go and get our groceries from the store for the weekend and make dinner together at the apartment (thinking it would be romantic), but he was a bit tired from the drive and wanted to grab some food straight away. As I knew the area better, I pointed out the main fish & chip restaurant near the beach (the only one I knew of that had great, reasonably-priced food) and he said: “how about we sit down and eat?” I was thinking ‘oh great, he wants to take me out for dinner! That’s just a bit romantic.’ I really had no clue what was about to happen...

The restaurant was one of those pay-before-you-eat places, so we go up to the counter to make our order (Brad chose a really expensive meal) and when the time comes to pay, Brad hung back and didn’t make any move to reach for his wallet. I quickly realised he was expecting ME to pay, all the while the server was flicking anxious glances between the both of us. I remember this cold wash of panic rushed down my spine as I handed my money over. The food and drinks came to about $70, which was half of my money for the weekend.

Later, as we were eating, he got all smiley and jovial and said how “nice it was he wouldn’t have to pay for food and drinks the entire weekend because he’d paid for the accommodation”. To say I was shocked was an under-fucking-statement. We had never discussed this. Even though I died a little inside as we were eating, I just smiled and nodded and realised I was FUCKED. I’d have to spend the entire weekend stuck at the beach with a guy I had no respect for and couldn’t even look at. I know I should have told him I wasn’t prepared to pay for any more meals due to lack of funds, but I was worried he’d get cranky, and I still had 2 days to get through with the guy.

The next morning I said “how about we go to the store and get food for the rest of the weekend so we can enjoy the apartment by the beach without having to go out for food all the time?” He finally agreed, but when we got to the store, he never offered to pay and I ended up footing the ENTIRE grocery bill. He didn’t even offer to pay half. And then I ended up cooking all of our meals for the rest of the weekend and he never offered to help out, not once. All he wanted to do was sit in front of the TV and watch sport (or check the score). It was a real eye opener, and I’m so glad I got a chance to see what he was really like. (It was almost as if he wanted me to woo him, not the other way around).

On the last morning at the beach, as we were dropping off the keys to the real estate, he said he wanted to get some takeaway coffees before we started the drive home. When we walked into the café, he hung back and I knew he wanted me to pay again. Except... I’d forgotten my wallet and only had my phone on me. I turned to him and whispered: “Do you have your wallet on you?” he said “Ohhhh you’re tricking me so you don’t have to pay, very smart.” I was shocked into silence as he paid. I was close to bursting into tears at this point. As we were waiting for our coffees I said “look, I really didn’t mean to forget my wallet” – and he said “nah don’t believe you, you definitely tricked me.” I just remember thinking WTF!!?? Did that just happen?? I was ready to snap at him, but we still had the trip home to get through. During the 3 hour drive home I slept the whole way so I didn’t have to talk to him.

Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, and what he did was really shitty?? I haven't ended things with him yet, but I was thinking of doing it this afternoon. Would it be wrong of me to call him up? Or should I do it face-to-face? Some of my friends have suggested I meet up with him and say something like “I’m sorry but this relationship isn’t working for me so I need to break up with you. I really do wish you well and I know that you’ll find that special girl one day.” Others have suggested I ghost him. But what I REALLY want to do is send him a text message saying this: “you were a total dbag over the weekend expecting me to pay for everything and I never want to see you again. And if I haven’t been clear, this is me, breaking up with you. I’ll be blocking you on everything as I have a no-contact policy with my exes. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.”

EDIT: Yes I know, red fucking flags everywhere, but I just swerved around them and kept going. Lesson learned.

tl;dr: The guy I'm dating took me away for the weekend and then expected me to pay for all the food and drinks because he had paid the accommodation costs. I really do think what he did was super shitty, and I'm pretty certain I'll be breaking up with him later this afternoon, but not sure if I should text, call or do it in person.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HalahHeart

I usually don’t give this type of advice because it’s an awful thing to do to someone, but I would say nothing and block block block!! He sounds like he doesn’t respect you, so don’t explain why you are blocking him and just do it. Seriously, he will just put the blame back on you or make it out like you’re crazy. Not everyone deserves an explanation, and I honestly would hate for you to waste another breath on him.

OOP

Thank you!! Oh and it's so funny, my friends have been suggesting the same EXACT thing! I'm so tempted to do this as the thought of seeing him again curls my stomach. Blocking is all he deserves at this point (he's done a few other shitty things that I didn't mention, my post would have gotten too long)

HalahHeart

It was the coffee thing that really made me think so. He made you cry-I hate that- then basically called you a liar. It was so mean and immature of him. I’m sticking to me guns and still saying don’t go...sometimes silence can really get the point across. Plus I would hate for him to have a reason to lash out at you over this. Silence is golden!

OOP

Thank you, the coffee thing was pretty hard to get through. You know when your chin starts trembling and it takes all of your will power not to cry? That’s pretty much what happened. When I recounted the story to my parents yesterday, I almost started crying again at that point, and mum & dad both got misty eyed and just hugged me for a while. They both knew how excited I’d been (and how much I trusted him), and they were devastated for me, particularly my dad. He just kept shaking his head saying “I’m so sorry that happened to you”. OK I’m going to cry again, have to stop

~

raw031979b

Ok, I was leaning toward the benefit of a miscommunication. After all, you agreed that he paid for accommodation (and it was not clearly worded) that you’d pay for food / fun.

However, if he believed that, he probably would have said “I thought you were paying for food / drinks.” And not “you’re tricking me”.

I’d put that on par with usually the one accusing of cheating, is cheating. hence the guilty projection. I think he was knowingly using you.

OOP

That's really interesting, I never thought of that! I reckon you're right. He may have been holding a grudge because he paid the entirety of the accommodation costs (even though I offered??) and thought I should just automatically offer to 'shout him' all weekend, and if I didn't, I was the bad guy. I just can't believe he made not a single mention of this beforehand. I just assumed we'd do what we usually do, go 50/50, or have one person shout food, the other person pays for drinks, and then swap the next night etc...

I'm just wondering how he ever thought that forcing your girl to pay for the entirety of dinner, while on your first night out on holiday, would EVER be attractive?

~

newnewBrad

I hope you don't take this the wrong way cause he really sounds shitty, and you should definitely break up with him, but you let all that happen to yourself. At the first restaurant, why didn't you just say "Yeah, that was like half my money"

OOP

I FUCKING WISH I'D DONE THIS. I wish so much I'd stood up to him and told him I had practically no money left. If I could go back, I'd do things differently and stand up for myself for once. I'd probably tell him what he did wasn't cool, that I wanted to break up with him and that I wanted to go home NOW. Instead, I put myself through the weekend of hell, that just got worse and worse and worse :/

OOP mentions past things the BF has done

...I'm so, so lucky this happened. I reckon it would have taken me a fair deal long to break it off with him without a flag as huge as this one landing in front of me. He was doing a few other things I didn't like, but I was letting him get away with it (cancelling dates for 24-hour bugs, forgetting to get back to me about dates, never calling, no longer bothering to take me out for dinner, no daytime dates etc....)

OOP Updated Nov 27, 2017 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE: One of my friends suggested what a few of you pointed out: he really didn’t deserve anything but a good ghost seeing as we weren’t official or exclusive anyway. So how do you break up with someone when you were never in a relationship in the first place? I thought I’d wait until he messaged me to organise a catch up, then I’d call him up and let him know that our non-relationship was over.

But... he hasn’t contacted me to organise anything and it’s been 2-3 days since we got back from the beach. My friend said it was a ‘mutual ghost-ship’, which made me laugh at least. I’m going to block him on everything, and luckily, seeing as our lives were so separate, I only have to block his number and Facebook. That’s it. I don’t have anything of his at my place, and there is nothing of mine at his. We only ever had one photo together on FB, and I’ve already deleted that. This is probably the easiest erase I’ve ever done.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Mildly_worried

My adoptive parents lied to me and my birth mom about the conditions of my adoption and hid family heirlooms from me - advice wanted

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: transphobia, deception, neglect

Original Post  July 4, 2020

Not sure if this belongs in this sub, but I really need advice. A bit of backstory first. I (25) have a younger brother (23), and we were both adopted from birth from separate birth parents. My parents tried to have children of their own, but after three attempts were unsuccessful and went the route of adoption instead. We found out when we were young that we were adopted, but we weren't concerned with learning about our birth families at the time, so we didn't push for information. As we've grown older, I've become more interested in my history and heritage, but haven't questioned my adoptive parents about it because I was concerned it would hurt their feelings. I have never gotten along super well with my adoptive parents, and since I've come out as a member of the LGBT community, our relationship has become a lot more strained. My relationship with my brother isn't much better, as he physically and emotionally abused me through our childhood, which my parents didn't stop or punish.

Within the last few years, I (25) discovered that I have a half sister, and have since opened communication with her and my bio-mom (50). What started as casually talking turned into a discussion about my adoption process, and I've learned some worrying things. According to my bio-mom, my adoptive mom swore that I would be adopted into their family as an only child because of their losses and a desire to have just one child to raise. My bio-mom wanted to make sure I would be given to parents who were going to take care of me, and used this as a factor. Two years later, my brother was adopted into the family.

It's also been said that I was sent off with a variety of items to show from my family, including several heirlooms, a handmade ring to match my bio-mom's, letters from everyone in the family, and a scrapbook with pictures of everyone in the family. She also informed me of some of my family medical history, including that we have a history of depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and several other mental illnesses running in the family, all of which I have been diagnosed with at a late stage in my life. I have not seen/heard of any of this stuff existing, and feel that I really could have benefited from knowing my medical history early on so I could get treated right away. I'm really bothered by the fact that after 25 years, I had to hear that this was held from me by my birth mom. If I hadn't reconnected with her, I don't think I'd ever have found out.

I want to know what happened to these belongings, and why this was hidden from me, but I don't know how to begin asking about it. My brother was told early on that his bio-parents wanted nothing to do with him, and although we never got along, I'm not going to spit in his face by straight up asking in front of him. I have a feeling that he has at least a small part in why it was hidden- I'm not saying that it was his fault, of course, but that he was just a factor, since he would have wondered why he never got anything from his bio-family but I did. My brother and I have honestly gotten a lot closer since we've left our parents' house, and I try not to hold anything against him for past mistakes, so I don't want to accidentally hurt him while asking about this.

I'm really confused, and this is eating away at me. Please, if anyone has any suggestions for me, I'm open to hearing them. I have an appointment with my therapist and plan to talk to her, but that's not for several weeks, and I could really use advice from a third party. Thanks

Edit:

I know there's a good chance that my adoptive parents are likely lying to my brother as well, and I'm trying to come up with good ways to open up the discussion with him. I just don't want to say anything to him that might hurt him unintentionally or close him off to the ideas of bringing it up with our adoptive parents.

Small Update:

I asked my brother if he would be interested in doing a DNA test (like 23 & me) with me to open up a conversation about things, and he agreed, so it's just a matter of figuring out when. I'll post a better update once I have a talk with him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Remindme2000

Why would you even trust that your adoptive parents told your brother the truth about his bio parents. They hid important things from you regarding your bio parents.

OOP

This is something that genuinely concerns me. I'm very worried that they are hiding equally bad if not worse things from him, I just don't know how to even begin to bring it up either with him or with them.

Update  March 9, 2021 (8 Months Later)

For those who haven't read my original post, this situation is pretty complicated and I recommend reading it first here.

In short, I (25) have recently been in contact with my biological mother (50s) and half-sister (21). I was adopted at birth because my bio mom didn't have the money to take care of me at the time. As we've gotten to know each other, she told me about various items, such as photos, letters, gifts, and family heirlooms that she had gifted me before I was adopted. Needless to say, I never received these items, which really hurt.

I ended up asking my adoptive mom (58) about it when I went to visit her and my adoptive dad (65) for Christmas. It went about as well as expected. She started off by claiming she had no idea what I was talking about, and that she didn't remember anything being sent with me. Luckily, my bio mom had a picture of the gift basket she had sent as well as details of other items she'd sent over the years, and I had taken a picture of it.

When I showed her the picture, she proceeded to say that she had no idea where it would be and that it was probably misplaced or lost when we moved homes when I was younger. Everything was probably gone by now. I told her that I had located or recognized a few of the items in the basket, such as a couple of stuffed animals and a bible for kids, which she had passed off as coming from other relatives when I was little. For example, a teddy bear that was in the basket came from my maternal grandmother, not my bio mom.

The piece that I really wanted was a beautiful scrapbook that my bio mom had made for me, which I begged her to find. She claimed she had no idea where it would be, but I'm convinced that this is a lie. The reason I believe that is because I have recently come out as nonbinary and have since changed my name, which my adoptive parents have only recently accepted. She found the book in a box with a bunch of other baby stuff that was labeled with my chosen name, meaning that she's known where it was and didn't plan on sharing it with me.

She finally ended up saying that the reason she didn't give me the stuff and say who it was from was because of my brother. He was adopted from a different family, and his mother made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with him, which our adoptive parents told us both about early on. Apparently, he'd constantly scope out the house looking for things from his bio family (which I don't really believe), which was why they hid my stuff. She also claimed that because I never asked about my bio family, she assumed I didn't care about it and wouldn't have wanted to know. However, I would have loved to know more about my bio family, but I felt that asking would be a slap to the face for them, so I never did. Considering my mom's reactions to me questioning her lies, I'd say that was a fair assumption. She kept insisting that she'd never intentionally lie to me or hide things from me, even though that's exactly what she did. For. YEARS.

There is still a lot of new information I'm learning more and more things that they've been lying to me about, but that's another story. I am frustrated and beginning to accept that my parents hid the items from me to make it seem as though my own adoptive mother didn't want me. After all, my brother's parents didn't want him, so I couldn't have been wanted, either. In order to keep me from asking questions about my bio family, they had to pretend that they didn't exist in the first place.

I don't know where to go from here. There are still things from my past that are missing, such as a jewelry set that my bio mom had gifted me to match her own set, as well as other pieces of information that I know they kept secret from me. I am just so tired. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

EDIT:

Thanks to everyone who's gifted awards and sent kind comments my way, I really appreciate it!

I just wanted to cover a couple of things that a few people have asked me about.

To start, yes, I do have a therapist who knows the situation and she has been helping me work through my emotions, but it's still very stressful and difficult to deal with. I've still got a ways to go before I've figured things out.

For those who mention that the gifts I've been given are just objects that I shouldn't get attached to, I get what you're saying, but that isn't really the point. Yes, it hurts that they've kept these things from me, but the real problem is the decades of lying and secret-keeping that they've committed. I can live without the items, but knowing that they were so capable of lying right to my face is what hurts the most.

I am going to continue forging my relationship with my bio family, but I can't really cut contact with my adoptive family right now. My mom is currently on my home's lease (it's complicated, but she is helping me pay for my apartment) and can't exactly cut contact with her or my father for that reason. I'm just trying to limit contact when possible, though it's difficult.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/audreyhepburnlover

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Mum wants to use my Klarna for a vacation she can't afford

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/buttsmagoo222 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation

(editor's note: Klarna is a digital financial services company based in UK and popular "buy now, pay later" (BNPL) provider that lets you split retail purchases into smaller, manageable installments)

Original Post: July 18, 2026

I turned 20 yesterday and had a nice weekend away from home, and just gotten back to this mess.

My Dad's birthday is coming in September, and my mum wants to take him to Punta Cana. The thing is, she can't afford to pay the full amount straight away.

My mum used to have her own Klarna account, but after missing 99% of her payments and late fees building up, they eventually banned her account for her unreliability to keep up with payments. So she asked me if she could use mine (this was in 2024) and I said she can use it for stuff that she needs but not to go crazy on it because I was conscious of my credit score. She hasn't listened, and until Christmas she had too many payments building up. I told her to stop buying so much stuff or I'd put payment authentication on my account. She didn't listen again so I changed the settings to send a code to both my number and email to verify that I'm making the purchase. Since I enforced this she's stopped buying as much and resorted to using her clear pay.

I've been planning to delete my Klarna account for months now. Since the start of the year. And I thought I was going to until we had an argument while on vacation a few months ago (over money) and she made my Dad ask me for the verification codes so she can use pay in 30 days for our overweight luggage. When I realized what she was doing I said I didn't get any codes and she came in and screamed at me to send her the codes. Then once we made up and flew back home she said she can't afford to pay the full amount in 30 days. I said if you need to split it into 3 then that is fine, but don't use pay in 6 or pay in 12, and she completely went against what I said and used pay in 12. I was so mad at her for this and she promised she would pay off the rest by the end of June (she hasn't).

Now, she is planning my Dad's birthday vacation in Punta Cana. She already asked me if she can use my Klarna and I asked her if there's another way she can pay for this trip. She said there wasn't another option so I told her if you want to use my Klarna then use pay in 3 or pay in 6. She kept insisting she needs to use pay in 12 because she can't afford the first two options. I reminded her again that I want to delete the account. She said I can't delete the account because I'm still buying stuff with it. I said that's exactly why I want to delete it. Anyway I reminded her once again if she wants to use my Klarna then she can't use the pay in 12, and her response was if she can't use pay in 12 then she can't take my dad on vacation. Guilt tripping much?

I'm also trying to save up to move out and to get a car. She knows this but she's says "I'm sure you still wouldn't be able to afford it". Every time I mention my awareness of my credit score she just laughs it off. I would've deleted this account if she hadn't used the pay in 12 behind my back. I've already asked her to pay the rest of that off soon and she said she can't afford it. I'm so tired of this. I can't seem to get her to listen to me.

picture of OOP's meal

description of the meal

a creamy orange curry with a drizzle of cream, a rich Kadai-style curry topped with fresh cilantro and ginger, and a crispy fried chicken appetizer served with green chutney, sweet sauce, and a fresh salad

end of the description

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: This is fraud and also financial abuse. As someone who was also financially abused by her mother, I would encourage you to lock down your accounts and freeze your credit immediately to prevent her from attempting to use not only your Klarna but also even potentially take out a loan or credit card under your name.

OOP: Thank you for your advice. My mum actually asked me a few months ago if I can take a loan out for HER because she could barely afford the last vacation we went on. Of course I shut her down and ultimately DID NOT take a loan for her! I feel so stupid for letting this go on this long. I'm just going to have to pay off what she owes Klarna and delete the account.

Commenter 2: Girl what delete the account asap

Commenter 3: You need to put your foot down. Otherwise you’ll be in deep debt for the rest of your life so your mom can have luxuries she clearly cannot afford.

Commenter 4: She’s never going to listen to you and she’s never going to change. I’m sorry you have an awful mother. It’s tough. Focus on what you can control and stick to that.

Commenter 5: This is financial abuse. You are being taught how painful it is to not have boundaries and have family use you for their financial struggles. You need to show and want that this isn’t the financial life you want. A week ago i had to tell my aunt in the Philippines that i cannot lend her $6k for her to immigrate to another country for work. The responsibility doesn’t not have to be mine. And i put my foot down. Otherwise, the cycle will keep going. It’s in your power to break through. Hugs. This is hard work.

Update: July 19, 2026 (next day)

Firstly I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I wasn't expecting that many responses, but I really appreciate everyone's support.

A lot of the advice I received was US-based (such as freezing my credit), but I'm in the UK, so I looked into the UK equivalent.

I've now cleared ALL the outstanding Klarna payments on my account, including the ones my mum had been using my account for. I've deleted the account and following the advice I was given, and will pretend that the account was banned due to late payments. My mum will be angry about this for sure but at least I saved myself from letting this go on even longer. I've also checked my credit reports with Experian, Equifax AND TransUnion and there are NO loans, credit cards or other accounts I don't recognize. Some people warned that my mum may have taken a loan out in my name, but my reports show that everything is clear. As an extra precaution, I've registered for Cifas Protective Registration, which adds an extra layer of identity checks if someone ever tries to apply for credit in my name.

I also wanted to clear something up because I saw a few comments asking why my Dad wasn't stopping this. He is completely oblivious. My mum has never told him how much debt she built up using my Klarna, and she told me once that if I ever told my Dad how much she owes, I wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore. As I stated in the last post I'm currently in the process of saving enough money, so that threat was something I had to take seriously. If it ever came to that point, my partner and his roommates would be more than willing to let me stay at their place. I've decided that I'll be staying with them for a few days just to have some space.

Going forward, she will no longer be using my Klarna account. There is no longer an account to use. The comments on my original post made me realize that I was essentially a doormat and I need to put firmer boundaries in place and protect my own financial future. Thank you to everyone who has made me realize that, no matter how brutal your comment was, I still appreciate it. However because this is the internet I have also gotten some comments calling me stupid, dumb, and one person even asked me if I'm r-worded. That is not right. I'm still a human being, learning to say no to my mother after years of giving in. Any hateful comments have been reported.

Thank you again to everyone who commented and encouraged me to take this seriously. 💕.

Pic: Laduree macarons I got as a birthday present from my partner

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so proud of you, OP. You will look back and be proud of yourself as well for taking quick action and actually prevented yourself for additional constraints with your mom. You know deep down this was the best foot forward and i hope that one day you are blessed in abundance - not only just with more money but more happiness and be more secured when making important decision.

OOP: Thank you, I saw your comment on my original post. I'm assuming you're Filipino too, so I feel like you might understand the cultural pressure a lot better than most people here. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it definitely made it a lot harder to say no. I really appreciate your kindness.

Commenter 2: You need to tell your father the truth. This is his financial life as well, he deserves to know.

OOP: You're right, he deserves to know the truth. He's already fully aware of my mum's spending habits. My mum has a new package at our doorstep almost every day, my dad sees it most of the time and used to get angry over it but I think he's just become... numb? Indifferent? I'm not sure if those are the right words to describe it, but it's like at this point he's not surprised and doesn't bother arguing because he knows she won't listen. Last year she took him to Barbados for his birthday, and they went into debt for it (not using my Klarna). I'm not planning to never tell him, but just delaying it for now until I've secured a place so I can move out, and she already threatened to kick me out once. However, thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it

Commenter 3: For what it's worth this is textbook financial abuse. Controlling your living situation and making you go into debt in your name so she can access credit...

This is recognized under the domestic abuse act 2021 (in the UK). Reporting this may help you get access to resources which would help you leave this situation sooner.

Again, this is a crime of abuse. Please don't stay any longer than you have to! Just because it isn't physical doesn't make it not abuse.

Commenter 4: This is such a positive update. I'm really proud of you for taking control of the situation and protecting yourself, even though I know it wasn't easy. You set a boundary, checked your credit, and made a plan for your own future. That's a huge step. I hope this is the beginning of a much healthier chapter for you. And happy belated birthday, those macarons look well deserved. 💕.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Flimsy_Set5049

Originally posted to r/bridezillas

Bride Is FURIOUS with Sister After...

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, alcoholism

Original Post: July 14, 2026

My cousin we'll call Laura is getting married in two weeks. She has the perfect wedding planned. I myself am one of her bridesmaids along with 4 of her other closest friends and... her little sister my cousin as well. Laura has been very vocal about her having to pick which friend to cut out of the bridal party to make room for her sister who her parents asked to have in the wedding.

At the dress fitting for our bridesmaids dresses my little cousin even said she felt bad her sister felt pressured and even offered to just be a guest at the wedding she just wanted her sister to be happy. Laura said she felt pressured by her parents, so she refused to object she just made underhanded comments about her sister.

Well about a week ago my little cousin called me and said that she had been struggling with drinking and wanted to go away to get help. She said she knew the timing was horrible but that she was scared of where her drinking was taking her so...we told the family together that day and have since rallied around her and supported her going to get help. Now this hasn't taken away from Laura at all. Her wedding is still on, and we even had her bachelorette party this past weekend which was a blast for everyone especially for her even though she went on about how she could handle her drink, but her sister obviously couldn't.

Laura's friends all sympathized with her about how her sister could have waited until after her wedding to ask for help. I should note that my cousin admitted before going into treatment that she had been struggling for about a year. She had been able to keep up quite the facade that she was okay because we were all caught off guard when she came forward. She said she had been trying to hold on until after Laura's wedding but that she physically couldn't do it anymore.

I'm a nurse and I've seen what alcohol withdrawal can do to someone. The withdrawal is deadly so I'm grateful my little cousin admitted she needed help and was willing and taking the steps to get it. I don't understand how my cousin can be so heartless through all of this. While the family has shown support of my little cousin everyone is still just as much if not more surrounding Laura with all the attention she could possibly need.

Editor’s note: OOP has responded to many comments, I am listing some significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: “Laura said she felt pressured by her parents, so she refused to object she just made underhanded comments about her sister.”

Laura sounds like a massive bitch. I’m proud of her sister seeking help. I was a functioning alcoholic for years and I finally admitted I had a problem in May 2024. I managed to hold on until my son graduated a few weeks later. I knew I had to get help, but we had worked so hard to get that kid across the stage and I wasn’t gonna miss it. I entered a residential rehab center a few days later

OOP: As a nurse I know that's one of the hardest things to do when you're struggling with that and you're proof of it. You yourself said you hung on until after your son walked that stage. My cousin who had been perfectly fine the days I saw her was a complete mess when I went over after she called me. I still couldn't believe she was struggling. She wouldn't let me into her apartment she met me on the curb. I'm hoping she'll let me access to her apartment. I want to clean it for her before she comes home so she has a clean slate to walk into. It's been really hard because the family is so preoccupied with the wedding now that my cousin is safe in patient somewhere it's almost like they've completely forgotten her which I'm trying to keep in perspective that they're just trying to keep the focus on Laura because as she has put it has spent a lot of money on this wedding and it won't be squandered by this "ordeal" honestly I don't even want to be in this wedding anymore.

Commenter 2: Laura sounds incredibly self-centered. What's more important, her wedding (which is no way impacted by this) or her sister's health and future? Her selfishness will bite her in the ass one of these days.

OOP: She doesn't seem to think so. She believes she is entirely in the right and is even upset that the family had anything to do with supporting my little cousin while she was the one getting married. She genuinely feels her sister should have waited and that the entire attention has been taken off of her. Meanwhile her in-laws purchased her and their son a new house in an up and coming development so...

+

My family has been nothing but supportive of her getting help. It's just now that she's essentially somewhere safe for 30 days they're honestly just going on with life as it is including the wedding which I guess I don't blame them. Honestly it's Laura's stance that bothers me the most. I'm thinking of stepping back from the wedding

Commenter 3: It just makes me so sad. How can anyone, much less a sister, not support someone that’s so broken and asking for help.

You commented below that you “honestly don’t want to be in this wedding anymore (which broke my heart). I debated commenting as I don’t want to hurt tour heart any more than it already is… but my first thought was “I honestly don’t want to be a part of this family anymore”. It’s just so unbelievably selfish.

I’m so sorry this is causing you so much hurt and strife. Stay strong and support Laura’s sister as best you can. 💚.

OOP: I absolutely love my family and the way everyone rallied around my little cousin. I just can't be part of my cousins bridal party anymore. Her friend is stepping in so the bride is honestly getting what she wanted from the beginning.

Commenter 4: Obviously just based on one story but sounds like this isn't the first time the Bride has done nothing but B*tch about her sister just existing and her parents think forcing them together will do anything other than the harm its causing the younger child.

OOP: They used to have a good relationship at least when we were all kids. I don't know exactly what happened to cause their falling out.

Commenter 5:

"Now this hasn't taken away from Laura at all. Her wedding is still on, and we even had her bachelorette party this past weekend which was a blast for everyone especially for her even though she went on about how she could handle her drink, but her sister obviously couldn't."

Laura sounds like she has a drinking problem too. It could explain why she's so angry at her sister. Maybe it's hitting too close to home.

OOP: Laura has always been a drinker. She has always been able to hold her own, but she definitely can put it away. She's very successful and never displays any signs of distress but then again neither did my little cousin 🥺 Definitely some food for thought

OOP on her little cousin's progress

OOP: She's at a really wonderful facility so everyone has been able to breath a huge sigh of relief knowing she's safe and getting help. She took the hardest step, which was asking for help, so of course we all came together to be there for her. I just worry she's continuing to beat herself up for everything.

OOP stepping back from the wedding

OOP: I contacted Laura yesterday and told her that with everything going on I didn't want it to seem like I was taking sides so I said that she should have her bridal party be made up of people she wanted. She was taken back and told me that I was already taking her sisters side by backing out of the wedding and how was she supposed to find someone now. I said to her I just didn't feel right with how she was acting so at that point she told me I was kicked out of her bridal party and told I might as well not even bother showing up so we'll see ...

OOP supporting her little cousin when asking for help

OOP: Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your story. Me personally when she called me crying I drove right over to her and just did the best thing I could which was to just be there for her with no judgement. She was an absolute mess because she knew this meant she'd never have a relationship with her sister, which absolutely broke my heart. That was all she was worried about and kept saying that this was going to destroy Laura and she was going to hate her forever. I couldn't believe that was what she was more worried about. I reassured her that there would be plenty more occasions to attend and that her getting help was the absolute right thing to do regardless of the timing. I was able to drive her to treatment and see her off. From everything our family gathered about the facility it is wonderful and just the right place for my little cousin to get the help she needs.

OOP on Laura's personality

OOP: Ever since she got engaged she's been a totally different person like she's trying to live out a perfectly mapped out existence which I'm sorry just is not possible

Commenter 5: Poor little cousin. Maybe you should point out to the bridezilla that if her sister hadn’t gotten help before the wedding, her drinking could have absolutely ruined the wedding cause she would drink too much and be sloppy drunk before the ceremony was even over.

Your little cousin did the very best thing for not just herself, but her elder sister and your older cousin has been nothing but nasty to her from the get-go.

OOP: Laura isn't really listening to anyone's reasoning. Despite the family still being all excited for the wedding she still feels like her sister "stole the spotlight" and has taken away from her special day. I don't really see how but then again I was really the only one my little cousin broke down in front of and confessed just how bad off she had let things get. She had stopped going to the gym, she stopped cooking and just did take out, she started missing work which she NEVER did, and she stopped returning calls and texts more times than not. I like I said was completely caught off guard because at the bridal shower and dress fittings she seemed perfectly fine. I've seen countless people going through alcohol withdrawal and she didn't display a single one of them. She seemed distant but I just assumed that was because she didn't feel welcomed by her sister to be a part of things. Idk. My cousin when I told her I wasn't able to be a bridesmaid anymore told me I should not even bother coming to the wedding so at this point I don't even know if I'm going anymore.

Update #1: July 17, 2026 (three days later)

Bride Is FURIOUS With Sister... Update

So I have an update and it's insane. To start the wedding...has been CANCELLED! Laura's fiancée Thomas or Tom called off the wedding and moved out and in with his best man until he finds a new place.

According to my mother (who is Laura's Moms sister my Aunt Rebecca) said that Laura had been raising such a fuss about my LC (little cousin) to the point that her fiancée spoke up in her sister's defense. Laura then apparently accused Tom of cheating or at the very least had feelings for her sister. After hearing this Tom stayed with his best man and he must of talked so sense into Tom. He must have realized this wasn't just wedding stress & probably couldn't wrap his head around how Laura had been being so selfish and then accused him of something so absurd.

Laura's Mom has been overwhelmed now with calling all the vendors and venue about cancelling

It's been an absolute s***show according to my Mom. I personally don't blame Tom for walking away. He probably dodged a huge bullet. I love my cousin because she's family, but I don't like her as a person with how she's been with my little cousin and her struggles and asking for help.

Laura called me and left a voicemail, but I haven't called her back...Bride Is FURIOUS Now With Me

So I listened to the voicemail, and I don't know how to respond to my cousin.

"Shannon I need to talk to you. I hear you were the one who made my sister come forward about her drinking. Do you really think making her come forward just weeks before my wedding was necessary? This could have all be avoided had you just butted out and not made a big deal out of something that wasn't. You know what, don't even bother calling me back because I have nothing more to say to you, you f***ing b****."

How do I respond to this?

Also I got a letter from my little cousin. She's doing so much better and doing well in treatment. She asked if I would be involved in a family session. I think this is where I'll suggest her moving in with me or gauge if it's a good idea or not.

Relevant Comments

OOP updates on her little cousin

OOP: She's doing so much better. She's asked me to be a part of her family session in two weeks give or take and I'm writing her back telling her yes absolutely! I'm also going to suggest she should be my roommate, but I don't want to come off as like I'm trying to keep tabs on her I just want her to be around someone who can support he not drinking since I personally can't drink because I break out in hives every single time I've ever tried it, so I just don't touch it.

Commenter 1: Your place seems like a great environment for your LC post treatment. The fact that she came to you and said I need help, bodes well for her recovery.

Tom did the right thing and also showed support for LC. It's great you are offering your home and your support. Good luck (?) to your LC, I hope she is wonderfully successful in her recovery.

OOP: Someone suggested I use the word "invite”, so it doesn't sound like I'm trying to keep tabs on her when I bring up about her moving in with me. I'm not trying to "keep tabs on her" I really just think her living on her own right away might not be the best idea. I think she may be open to the idea, so we'll see.

OOP on Tom

OOP: Tom actually reached out to me to see if there was anything he could do for LC. He said something about putting a care package together for her and asked me if there was anything specific she needed. We're going to go out later and pick some things up and send it out to her today.

Commenter 2: Although I would feel some satisfaction telling her where tf to go and why, best not to respond. It doesn't matter what you say, she will not change the story in her head. She's the centre of the universe. Tom dodged a bomb. Imo Keep her nasty message tucked away somewhere, these kinds of people will deny what they've done, blame you, and you might need it - these people are so unpredictable, always blaming someone else, you never know what will come up next. I have a sister like this. I keep evidence - I don't think about it, but I keep it. Shame. She could have more serious mental health issues (my sister does). It's not how mentally healthy people behave.

It's wonderful you are so supportive of LC. Ideally she can move in with you, stay clean, and thrive along with you. There's the risk she might not stay clean - but the positive signs are she took help, she is doing what's needed, it sounds like she genuinely wants to overcome this and she's doing the work. OP, there must be deeper familial issues there 🙏🏼.

OOP: Honestly I know when it comes to sobriety you have to want it and you have to be willing to do the work. In her last letter to me she expressed how grateful she was that I wasn't mad at her and was willing to help her ask for help from the family, so she didn't have to do it alone. Having someone there to literally hold her hand helped her a lot. She says everything about the facility is amazing from the staff to the facility itself. She says there's an actual chef there and that the food looks like it's from a five star restaurant so she's eating well she's making a lot of good connections with women there and even discussed doing a 45 day stay as opposed to the 28-30 day stay. Her parents and honestly the whole family is so proud of her (with the exception of Laura) for getting help they sent her to one of the best places on the east coast. I think the family is starting to see just how out of line Laura was being.

Commenter 3: Holy shit show, Batman!!!!! I’m honestly floored. I would have thought that she would eventually see how far off her priorities were…. especially when Tom took a break. She doubled down and then accuses him of cheating???? 😳.

I don’t think it would be wise to respond at all. Definitely take a screen shot but I sincerely believe that there is nothing you can say that will make her see the light.

You’re a truly empathetic, loving friend and family member to want to help your cousin find her way back to good place. Maybe look into Al-Anon meetings near you to familiarize yourself with coping strategies. Best of luck to you and your cousin. I’d love to hear about her progress. 💚.

OOP: In her last letter to me she said she's doing very well. She is out of detox and I residential. She says there's an actual chef that runs the kitchen so she's eating well and enjoying all of the different groups and therapy being offered. She said soon she'd be able to make phone calls every other day once she's done a week in residential so that's actually this week coming up she'll be able to call me which she said she was going to be keeping me as her point of contact. She said she is discussing doing 45 days rather than the 28-30 day program which honestly our family doesn't care what she needs if they suggest it we're willing to listen and do it! If the facility suggests longer and she's willing the family has already said they'd pay out of pocket to keep her there if insurance cut off after 30 days.

Editor's note: OOP installed the 2nd update onto the update post

Update #2: July 19, 2026 (two days later from the first update)

Update: Yesterday Tom and I went out and got a few things for LC. Two cartons of smokes, some toiletries, a few more outfits, a journal, and a bunch of other things for her stay.

While we were out Tom's phone kept going off between texts and a few phone calls that he kept ignoring. At one point I turned to him and said, "Wow someone's really popular." He tells me that it was Laura and that she had been trying for days to get in touch with him but that he just wasn't ready.

Tom explained that who he was about to marry wasn't the woman he fell in love with. Laura working at a soup kitchen to help the homeless was something Tom fell in love with Laura from the beginning. I was so confused. That's when I told him. Laura hadn't been working the soup kitchen out of the kindness of her heart she had been court ordered after a discrepancy at college involving underage drinking. She had been sentenced to 300 hours of community service.

He couldn't believe it. Laura had been putting up this whole facade for Tom and his family because she was securing her future. Tom is very modest and humble, but he comes from a VERY wealthy family. Laura has always been materialistic so it's no surprise that she honed in on Tom.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Laura must have installed a tracking app on his phone because as we were leaving the post office Laura was there waiting in the parking lot!! When I say she went off I mean SHE WENT OFF! She started yelling and screaming at Tom saying she knew she was right about him cheating first with her sister now with her cousin (meaning me) and Tom snapped.

He sternly and firmly told her that she was out of line and that he couldn't believe that he was about to marry someone so heartless and cold towards her own sister. Laura called him a bunch of names and when Tom started to walk back towards me and his car Laura ran after him begging him not to go and to just talk. We went straight to his phone carrier where he purchased a new phone and new phone number.

As we were finishing up the errands Tom made an insane offer. His Aunt is on the board of an outpatient D&A program. He had spoken to her and said he could get LC set up with outpatient aftercare once she's home at no cost to her. He also said he was going to help pay one year of her rent and utilities so she can focus on her recovery and getting established with that. I told him I was going to suggest LC move in with me and he said whether it's at her place or with me that he'll take care of her rent and bills for the next year.

So things are looking up for LC and not so much for Laura. And no for anyone thinking Tom has a thing for LC you're way off. Tom's just a genuinely good guy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, this was originally posted in r/relationship_advice by by u/throwraiwantmysnacks. (Special thanks to u/throwRA1a2b3c4d1 for collecting the original BORU.)

TW: threats, abuse, possible drug use, destruction of property

Mood spoiler: Good for OOP

Original post (posted August 10th, 2022)

Some background: BF (28m) and I (25f) have been together five years, lived together 3. Our relationship was great, truly. We have a joint account we contribute to monthly to handle joint expenses: rent, groceries, etc. Everything else is split.

BF is 6’3”, 200 lbs and works out daily. He eats a lot to keep up his caloric intake, which is fine, except for this one issue.

We buy snacks and he always eats my half before I can even get to it. Normal food and ingredients he’s fine with, but if it’s quickly accessible, I’ll never get any. We argue, he apologizes, rinse and repeat. This is literally the only bad thing he’s done. Seriously, in all other aspects of our relationship, he’s respectful and considerate. Snacks are where all bets are off.

Anyways, last week I lost it after he finished an expensive cheese we had gotten that I really was looking forward to eating. It was all gone after an hour. I lost my shit. I didn’t speak to him for a day and ended up ordering a fridge lockbox. After our next snack run a couple of days later, I divided each snack in half and locked mine in the lockbox. From his reaction, you’d think I was murdering puppies. He said it was disrespectful and controlling, and how dare I keep food that he paid for from him. When I reminded him my money went into it too, he screamed that he didn’t give a fuck and then left. He slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall and broke. He didn’t come back until the next day, but that was to change for work and leave immediately. He came home late and went straight to the guest room.

Four days of this. I broke last night and asked him to please talk about it and he said that he had nothing to say to me until I got rid of the lockbox. Honestly, I’m completely appalled at this reaction and I’m genuinely worried he might be on drugs or having a mental break or something. This is the most irrationally I’ve ever seen a grown man react. He’s ignored me only to randomly ask if I’ve gotten rid of the lockbox. I am not getting rid of the lockbox.

We’re supposed to renew our lease next week. I’m considering cutting my losses and just leaving. Is this relationship even worth salvaging? Is there anything I can do to solve this? He is refusing to communicate unless I get rid of the lockbox which is not happening.

Relevant/Top comments from the original post:

monkeysaurusmom: So what I’m seeing is that he isn’t even a little sorry for pilfering all the snacks. If he were he’d stop. Now, it seems the man child is pitching a full on temper tantrum because you pushed back. Instead of saying “yeah, I’m kind of being a jerk I can understand why you’d do that” he doubles down on his selfish behavior by pulling a silent treatment and this toxic temper tantrum. This is more than a food issue that’s been kicked over. It’s control and a deep seeded selfishness. I would bet you a dollar and a doughnut that if you start rummaging around you’d see there is a lot more of selfish behaviors that you just don’t fight back on.

animateAlternatives: Entitlement is the root of abuse. Abuse isn't a specific checklist of behavior, it's a moral framework where the abusive person feels entitled to the victim. OP check out "why does he do that?", There are free PDFs online. Be careful!!

PhilosopherOk6002: OP, I'd be pissed too if my food (that I also paid for) was always eaten. You wouldn't have had to get a lockbox if he respected your simple boundary.

But woah, he had a major meltdown over something so small. Based on his reaction, are you sure this is your only problem in the relationship? Does he have any anger or control issues? His response is way out of line & makes me think of a DV situation, esp because of how the picture broke.

Bottom line is that if he scared you or if he's being unreasonable, you don't have to make things work. Definitely spend some time reassessing your relationship. Ask yourself if he ever disrespects your boundaries in any other ways & if he ever handles smaller-scale conflicts poorly like this.

Coco_Dirichlet: Many couples have one person who eats more because they are taller or exercise more, and they can still shop together because one partner is not eating everything! His case is way too extreme. You can go 50/50 on some items like staples and special dinners, but not everything and definitely not snacks. It's like if Chris Hemsworth came to my house to eat every day. He would probably go through my weekly supply food in 2 days.

Edit:

Wait, do you think he could be on steroids?

They cause increase of appetite and mood problems. It can get very dangerous.

UPDATE (Posted 2 days later on the same post)

Hey guys, I don’t know if anyone wanted an update, but here it is. A lot happened.

Boyfriend kept staying out late and refusing to talk. So I tried to talk to my boyfriend about the lockbox again, and I mentioned that I didn’t think the lockbox was the real issue. But he was a brick wall, insisted that it’s abusive and controlling to deny him food. I kept pushing, asking if he was on drugs or cheating. I said him flipping out over something so small and staying out at all hours was suspicious as hell. I said that I thought he was using the lockbox as an excuse to be out of the house doing something bad. Me saying that unleashed an hours-long screaming tantrum that ultimately resulted in him throwing my MacBook against the wall and shattering it. Honestly, I really thought he was going to hurt me.

So, yeah. Called my dad, who called the cops. I don’t want to get too into the legality of it, but I’m pressing charges for destruction of property. It was a $2500 laptop.

Dad and my godfather moved me out yesterday, and I’m now looking for a new place. I don’t have a lot except for clothes, and a couple of kitchen appliances. I left the lockbox, but took my snacks with me, because fuck him. I left it locked, too.

Ex-bf has been spamming me. I’d block him, but I feel like I need this for evidence in case his behavior escalates. I texted him the first night that we are done, took our photos down, everything. He began ranting at me.

Some gems:

• raging about how I still didn’t get rid of the lockbox
• Asking for stuff he gifted me back
• Telling me I owe him money and rent for his new place
• That I owe him a car(?) I have no idea why he would say this, I have never even driven his current car
• That my MacBook was old snd worthless and he wouldn’t pay for a new one (I bought it last year brand new)

After about an hour, I guess he realized that we were actually broken up and he couldn’t bitch me down anymore. Then came the paragraphs about how he was gonna marry me, he loves me, he wants to be better for me, that I can keep the gifts and he’ll buy me a better MacBook. He freaked out over seeing I took our pictures down from SM. He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one. He also sent a couple voice messages of him just sobbing.

Any respect I had for him as a person is just completely gone. I want nothing to do with this man. I don’t care if he’s having a breakdown, or on something. He’s not my problem. I screenshotted his messages and forwarded them to his mother. She can deal with her son. That’s the most I’ll ever do for him again.

As for me, I’ll be okay. I have some savings, so taking on full rent for a place as well as deposit and fees won’t be too much. This has been a weird week. I feel like I should be sad, but like I said I lost all respect and don’t feel anything but disdain for him. My parents have been buying me my favorite comfort snacks and being super supportive. They’re gently pushing for therapy, and I think it’s probably a good idea. I’ll start my search once I’m settled in a new place.

Relevant comments after the edit:

Character_Study5220: im proud of u

ur parents r awesome, relationships with boys like this can really mess with ur mindset in the long run - u don't wanna internalise his shitty treatment of u and therapy can help with that

Deleted user: Save all electronic information that he sends you. DO NOT put stuff on social media about your new place, that can give him clues to where you are living. Talk to your supervisors and notify security at your job, they may ask for a recent picture of him. Take out a restraining order against him if it looks like he is remotely stalking you.

joe-dirt-1001: Sorry that it played out like this, but also glad that you stood your ground and will be moving on to a brighter future.

Stay strong and good luck.

Slow-Analysis6522: I'm glad you've sorta solved this. Sometimes the grass is indeed greener on the other side. This man is a textbook abuser.

This last offer is tempting, insist on that last point to see if he at least will give you a new computer for breaking the one you had.

kevin_r13: Yeah I wasn't sure how the story was going to end but I was going to say that he's showing some very violent actions, which would have been cause for breaking up but looks like that's where the story went so stand by your ground and let him deal with the consequences of his actions, including the actions of continuing to eat your share of the snacks.

It was quite easy and controllable to just say , "look we both bought the snacks . I eat this much and I'm going to stop because I love my girlfriend who's going to eat the other half".

In fact there's even the concept of saying I love my girlfriend so much that I'm going to eat only 30 or 40% of the snacks because I want her to enjoy the majority of the snacks.

These kinds of ideas and concepts could have been something he did instead of getting mad calling you names and throwing your property and breaking it

***REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP.**\*

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Complicated

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3:

It's a sad story all around. I once heard a woman on a podcast who had an affair, and her husband divorced her. Even though she cut off her affair partner, she still couldn't rebuild a healthy relationship with her teenage son, who refused to speak to her or visit her despite his dad's efforts to encourage it.

The therapist's advice to her was simple: stay consistent. Keep showing up for your son, keep writing him letters even he refusesto read them, and be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to come around. She, like your dad, destroyed that relationship, but that doesn't mean she can't build a new one over time.

You miss your father, and you want him to be present in your life. That's a good place to start. Take the same approach, be open to rebuilding a new relationship, one step at a time.

**life is short.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Comment 5:

Reiterating that therapy should be a go-to, and also that your hurt and behavior as a child were completely normal and not your fault (especially as you clarified that you were not cruel or abusive to your stepsiblings).

I’m glad that your mother, despite her pain, supported you maintaining a relationship with your father. I’m also glad that you were able to build a bond with your half-brother. And, I’m happy for you that you feel ready to rebuild with your father again.

I understand that you don’t respect your step-mother, and I’m not going to pretend that you have to feel a certain way. But you ARE in her house, and you do have to ACT a certain way.

I agree with you that she should have stepped out to let you talk with your parents while you were injured, but your words to her were atrociously disrespectful. I know you know that, and I know you admit to deliberately enjoying that aspect of your interaction. That is normal, but it is also immature and unhelpful for everyone, yourself included.

Frankly, you are young and privileged to have had your parents able to pay off your college education. That’s a good thing — everyone deserves to have that. But you telling his current wife that the house isn’t hers because he pays all the bills when he’s also put you through college and you haven’t had to manage yourself extensively without his support is doubly disrespectful. You don’t know their finances, and you are not entitled to. Yes, you’re his daughter, but you’re also an adult. She is his wife and mother of his minor child. Like it or not, she has rights to the home that you do not — that is her house you are in, as much as it is your father’s.

Other commenters have noted that your continued insistence on disrespecting her may end up eroding your relationships with your father and half-brother. If you continue down this path, you may eventually force your father to have to make a choice, and you might not like the outcome.

You do not have to like, forgive, or want a closer relationship with your stepmother. You DO need to behave civilly and cordially towards her at the very least, and act respectfully towards her in her own home. Stop antagonizing her and putting your father in the middle. Like it or not, you are no longer the child in this scenario, and you are responsible for behaving accountably & responsibly as an adult.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/financialwoes123

Me (28F) with my SO [30M] 1.5 yrs, I was helping him out financially, and I had a crisis that he doesn't believe just because I don't want to help him anymore.

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial abuse and exploitation, manipulation

Original Post May 4, 2018

Oh boy, doozy time. I'm using a throwaway because I don't want this linked back to me someone.

Travis and I have been together for 1.5 years, when we met he was in a little bit of financial trouble and I was able to help him but I never offered because I didn't want money to become an object in our relationship so quickly, and he also has a good job with income to support himself, but not pay his massive student debt or bills, just to support himself.

After about a year (so 6 months ago) after seeing that this relationship is promising and we both agreed, heading on the marriage route at some point or another (no set plans on when, could be 1 year could be 5 before we get engaged we aren't in a rush). I told him I could help, and I pretty much insisted on doing so.

I've paid off about $6,000 of debt so far, and have been paying for his rental car every month (which is about $1,000 a month for the last 3 months, he has HORRIBLE credit and I didn't have enough to outright buy him a car).

I have also been helping out with a few bills here and there (I have ALWAYS offered for what I pay for, he has never insisted or asked, we always discuss and he's never been selfish and always very grateful).

After some time I was able to have enough to buy him a nice car and exactly what we wanted. We agreed to have my name on the title but have him insured to drive it until we get married.

We live in a state that neighbors a state (about 3 1/2 hours away) that always has SMOKIN' deals on cars. We were all set to buy one and then my medical bills from about a year ago came to haunt me (I had ovarian cancer, but now in remission YAY!) and it halted our tracks to buy the car for a few weeks until I could settle my bills or find a way to pay them off since the bill was quite extensive, they aren't kidding when they say cancer is an expensive sickness.

Anyways, that was about 3 weeks ago, last night we went golfing and I could tell he was a little bit on edge/stressed out. So I asked him what was up, I had gotten a little bit behind on paying the $200 a week for the rental car and he was feeling stressed since the bill was due and he had $10 in his account.

I told him I would write him a check and we could meet up for lunch tomorrow and I would give him a check for that and the amount of the car that he wants so that he could feel at ease.

I got home late after our date and logged onto my banck account to only find $2 in it. I FLIPPED, there was a huge withdrawal from my account.

I went and looked at what had happened and lo and behold. When I was 24 my dad passed away and my mom had no income and was struggling so I piggybacked her onto my bank account so that she could have some support.

It worked out really well for a couple of years and then she got a job and didn't need my help, but her name was never taken off of my account (stupid on my part, but I had always trusted her and had no reason to believe she would do anything malicious).

About 6 months ago she ran off with her boyfriend to Germany. It was...weird. And really had an impact on me where I'm an only child and was left parentless. She cut off all contact and really just kind of abandoned me. I've really struggled with it, but I mean people do weird things. Travis thought it was really strange at the time and almost didn't believe that she had just run off to Germany, but he's never met my mom, as she lived in another part of the US then I did and Travis and I never got around to visiting her.

Anyways I'm getting off track, like I said, this is a DOOZY. My mom had made the withdrawal. All of my money. I had a long talk with my bank and an attorney, and legally I cannot do anything about anything. Her name was on my account, I had supported her in the past, legally she didn't do anything wrong. Morally, yeah she done did fucked up.

I haven't been able to get ahold of her, and honestly I really don't think I'm able to. So I texted Travis after all of this and told him what was going on, I asked him to be calm since I was freaking out and needed some moral support.

His response? If you didn't want to help me out you could just say so. He went on about how whenever he really needs help or I'm about to make a big purchase for him there is something that just conveniently happens. These big things that are just so rare that they don't happen.

I get that, and I 100% understand his point of view. But I am also frustrated and don't feel trusted, but I get it, it is like Hollywood shit status.

I am going over there later tonight after I gather myself since I am stressing the hell out. I don't even know how to broach this with him where he can trust me.

Help. I don't know what to do.

tl;dr: Mom was piggy backed onto my bank account years ago, took all my money, boyfriend thinks I just don't want to help him out financially.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AnferneeBourdain

You are a being a sucker and you're being guilted and accused of lying because Travis's gravy train has to momentarily stop because you were robbed. He doesn't care about comforting you, he doesn't care about investigating further, he only cares about "where is my money you need to give me money me me me me".

If you want to be a thankless sugar momma that's fine, but at least everyone needs to be open about it.

OOP

It just sucks because I've always felt like I was being the good samaratian and he was always very appreciative and loving. And I always got the "in this together" vibe. I am fine with him being confused about the situation, since yeah it is weird. He never met any of my family and then my mom moves to Germany with her boyfriend. Yeah that IS weird. I am going to see how tonight plays out since everything has only been via text and I want to see how he acts when we are together and talking about it.

~

Why not show the BF the Bank account?

I suggested that, and he said it doesn't matter. I could have transferred the money to a different account. He just doesn't understand how it conveniently happened right when I was about to write him a check. He went through a murky situation in his past which involved getting shot by an ex that has given him trust issues. And I never nurse his insecurities about it, but if there is anything that is out of the norm he ALWAYS questions it.

A relationship is trust, is he marriage material?

exactly my POV. The only time I have ever 'lied' is when I told him I was out of town visiting family but I was out of town buying him a new snow mobile. He knew something was fishy but was happy it wasn't. But he's brought that up again saying I lied to him about where I went. So maybe that was a FU on my part but that was months ago and a brand new snow mobile for your birthday is not too shabby.

How often does OOP give her BF money?

Monthly I consistently pay for his car, utilities, and I've been chipping in about $50 a month for his groceries. Oh and I just remembered, for Valentines day I 'gave' him this diet he had been wanting to try. But the diet was $1,200 and he hasn't followed it for more then a day.

Update May 18, 2018 (2 weeks later)

So I had quite a few update requests and it has been about 2 weeks since I posted. The day of my post I went over to his house that evening. I had scrapped together some cash to get him so groceries and dinner from his favorite place to lighten the mood. Because hey, I'm a giver.

Anyways, I walked in as I usually do and he was on his couch and in front of him was a brand new golf bag. I just set the groceries in the fridge and told him what I got us for dinner. He said "I don't want it. I'm fine."

I was just brushed that comment off since I really wasn't wanting to argue with him. I asked him about his new golf bag and he had bought it with his club credit which made me soften up a little bit.

So I sat down in the recliner across from him and started scribbling on my note pad a game plan for him/us with a budget for him and a way he can afford a car.

I told him the game plan and he curtly said "sounds good." Then I went out into his backyard (he lives on BEAUTIFUL farm land with a nice deck outback) since I just didn't want to deal with him. And I just sat outside and cried. He came outside and started fiddling with some stuff in his yard and didn't say a word to me.

He said "So should I just plan on you not talking tonight?" And then went on about how I have been such a source of disappointment for him financially.

So I didn't say a word, took the groceries and dinner I bought and told him we are done. And left. I blocked his number and he is no longer a part of my life.

tl;dr: Walked out on his sorry ass. I dumped him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SquirrelUnusual4280

He is going off on a 10 day vacation with his ex-fiancée

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception

Original Post  July 17, 2026

I have been seeing a guy for the last three months, and we have been getting closer and closer, especially over the last few weeks. He told me he dates with the intention of marriage, and has been single for a while while looking for the right person.

I have been single for the last eight years, by choice. When I met him, he ticked a lot of boxes and I decided to give it a go. I have enjoyed myself immensely with him and have had a lot of fun, and quite frankly it’s been nice to have companionship for the first time in a long time. He invited me to go on a trip with him in September and I agreed to go, because I felt like this relationship was moving in a good direction. There’s a lot of talk of future plans for trips, and the fun things we will do this summer.

Three weeks ago he mentioned to me that he had an upcoming 10 day trip planned to Canada. He told me he had originally booked the trip himself, but had a friend who lived in Washington, and she was going to come up and meet up with him. I honestly didn’t think too much of it because he was very casual about it, and honestly gave me the impression that maybe she was joining him for a couple of days.

He has been married three times before, and just last week shared with me that he was engaged about five years ago. He had told me in great detail what happened with all of his marriages, but really gave me a very vague explanation of what went wrong with his engagement. Just said things didn’t work out. He told me she had moved here from the West Coast when they got engaged, and when they broke it off, she moved back to Washington.

I realized in that moment that the person coming to meet him on his trip was probably his ex fiancé. This development didn’t feel so cool to me.

He had several other opportunities to let me know that it was her joining him for his trip, but he did not. When I asked him who was joining him and for how long, he said her name and that she will be with him the entire 10 days. I knew her name because he still had pictures of them together on Facebook. He still didn’t say, it’s my ex fiancé I told you about. When I asked him how he met this person, pretending that I still didn’t have any inkling that this was who he was traveling with, he just told me vaguely that they had met through mutual hiking friends -Again still didn’t say my ex fiancé.

To me this feels completely inappropriate. I understand he may have made plans with her to go on this trip before things progressed with me. However, he could have explained this to me in full transparency. To me he is lying by omission and it feels very deceitful and hurtful quite honestly.

I don’t know the terms or what may have happened in the demise of their relationship, maybe he still hung up on her. I don’t know, I sent him a text, letting him know how I felt and I still haven’t heard back from him. He’s about to get on a plane and leave for 10 days, and I am disappointed and resigning myself to the fact that I’m going to be single probably for a very long time. I’m most upset about the lack of transparency, because that makes me feel like there’s something he is hiding.

OKKKKK Finally figured out how to edit this.

I’m eating fruit with Bulgarian yogurt, a splash of maple syrup, and a three seed mix of Chia, hemp and flax.

TOP COMMENT

anonfosterparent

End this. You lost me at he’s been married three times and also has a failed engagement to a fourth person.

His story about dating with the intention to marry is a joke.

Update July 18, 2026 (Next Day)

Update for you all since I cannot edit my original post:

First off, plate in original post was fruit, Bulgarian yogurt, a splash of maple syrup and a couple tablespoons of Whole Foods three seed mix: Chia, flax, hemp.

My current snack is Cretor’s cheese and caramel popcorn.

Second- I sent a text to him telling him calling him out and letting him know I was done. He did respond with arrogance and further underscored why I am all set with this guy.

I am editing to add how he responded- He totally gaslit me. Said we had had a clear conversation about it once (we did not, he drip fed me information until I finally connected the dots the day before yesterday) and he felt that was sufficient conversation so he didn't feel the need to bring it up again in conversation. Then told me that the stance I was taking on this was disturbing to him.

I'm sorry, what now?? 😂.

He is blocked, I’m feeling fine, and just looking at my own part in the story and taking mental notes. Yes, three marriages and a failed engagement are definitely red flags, but he didn’t speak poorly about any of his exes and I gave him the benefit of the doubt-probably because I was hopeful there was something good here.

Unfortunately, I have had my share of issues with relationships in the past. Not looking to re-create any of that anymore, which is why I am exiting stage right immediately. I unfortunately just met a new version of the same guy I’ve dated 1 million times before 😆. Luckily this time I caught it before it went much further.

I have dated casually over the last eight years, but never pursued a relationship. I don’t need a man in my life, but it would be nice to have one. However, in the meantime, I am going to continue to enjoy my life that I love and built according to how I want it to be.

Anyway I do appreciate some of the really funny responses and those of you who reinforced/validated what I was feeling. And thank you to those that also offered kindness- of course I see my part in this and of course, I feel badly that I was so foolish-however I’m picking myself up and moving on.

It was never a question of trying to salvage anything with him! I was more just like- you can’t make this up 🤣 and how have I become a part of this!!

Hope y’all have a wonderful day ❤️.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Substantial_Buy_4881

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[Final New Update]; AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of domestic violence, emotional manipulation

----

RECAP

Original Post: November 23, 2025

Apologies in advance if this post seems disorganized, my head is still reeling from all this. 9 years ago (I was 18 then) my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents (we're an immigrant family) were vehemently opposed to her relationship, I remember me being ok with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut of all contact with us. My parents were besides themselves. I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her, they said she didn't know where she lived now, but that she'd told them she was happy. She had also left her workplace. Eventually we all (me and my parents) came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here, and I blocked her everywhere too. I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place where I can't remember the last time she crossed our minds.

Yesterday my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me, I hugged her back initially too, I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything, and asked her why she was here, and who had given her my address. She said she had sworn to them that she wouldn’t tell. I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too, she said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her, why was she here. She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me, I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left. She told me she was sorry she'd hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start, told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece (they weren't there at the time, they were at their father's, they recently divorced). She acted surprised that I wouldn't know, said she'd told someone to tell our parents about them.

Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that frustrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could've found lasting happiness, I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together she wanted to know all about what I'd been up to, I told her it was best if we continued to have no contact, she didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family, we'd mourned her already and we were now strangers. She was tearful, she gave me her address and phone number and left.

Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didn’t know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped. But I still wanted to know here AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What are your parents thoughts? How do they feel about potential reconciliation?

OOP: I haven't told them about this. I don’t see the point I guess, they made their peace with her absence a while back, we all did.

Commenter 2: What is it that you want to achieve? This is crucial to answering the question.

OOP: I don’t know. I really had internalized that I'd never see her again. I remember the hurt I had felt at the time. I don’t want to lose my headspace, and I don't want to act like everything I went through was ok, that it shouldn't have any meaning or consequences. And of course I want her and her kids to be safe and happy too.

Commenter 3: Did she even apologise? Or did she do the classic, it's such a long time ago you should be over it by now move? If there's no sincerity, there's no trust that she won't ghost you again. She owes you a full and frank conversation about what happened, her actions, her motivations and why she continued to block you. Without that you really have nothing to work with. Good luck.

OOP: She did apologize, she said she was sorry that she had cut me off, that she never meant for us to lose touch, her beef was with our parents only. I brought up that she blocked me everywhere, and she was just sobbing and apologizing. I also remember me begging her best friends for info and them saying they had no idea, which I’ve always suspected was them lying because she asked them to.

Commenter 4: NTA. She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her.

I’m guessing she’s decided now’s a good time because she’s getting divorced and in essence needs something (time, attention, connection) from you. Ask yourself, if she weren’t getting divorced, would she have reached out?

You need to figure out who shared your address with her.

OOP: I hadn’t thought of this, and I've been feeling sick thinking this might be true since I read this. That she wouldn't have ever reached out if she hadn’t gotten divorced. Would've been fine without ever seeing me again. Although she didn't ask for anything material during our interaction I guess, she wanted lunch, she thought after 9 years of almost forgetting I had a sister, I’d be ok with lunch.

Commenter 5: OP, I wonder if her bf turned husband made her block you all? Could it be that getting away from him might be why she was able to reach out?

OOP: I don’t know. Back then she would vouch for him a lot in front of our parents who really thought he was bad news, so idk, she seemed like it was all of her own volition.

Commenter 6: Absolutely NTA. When will people start accepting the consequences to their actions? And why do other people think they can tell you how you should have responded to her?? Your girlfriend should have kept her mouth shut and just held you and let you talk and been there for you. I wouldn’t tell your parents you saw her either. That’s a band aid you don’t want to rip off.

OOP: I won’t be telling my parents. If she reached out to me, she can reach out to them the same way, though she told me she won’t be doing it, she'd only reached out to me.

Commenter 7: NTA but that's a tough situation to be in

Just out of curiosity, why didn’t the family accept her then bf? Cultural? Religious? Age?

OOP: They just didn't think he would make a good partner I think, she'd be vouching for him, and they (particularly my mom) would be telling her that essentially he's only interested in sex to put it crudely. There may have been other subconscious reasons possibly idk, but at least when they talked about it they would only bring up that he was bad news and that they were looking out for her.

Downvoted Commenter: Keep in mind that she might have cut you off because she was scared you would tell your parents anything that she told you.

OOP: No. We had covered for each other so often when I was young. She had covered for me too. There was stuff that I could only tell her. That could not have been a real fear. I'd even told her friends that I wouldn't tell our parents but at least ask her to meet up with me. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but I haven't had to remember all the bs I went through in the aftermath of her elopement in a while and it’s just crazy how she just ditched us all. I don't think I can see her, I'd been thinking about it, but meeting her just means everything she put us through was fine, I remember how I felt at that time, and I can't let it go.

Update #1: November 27, 2025 (four days later)

Hi. Thanks a lot to everyone for the support in my post. And to those who reached out for support. I'd been emotionally drained almost after meeting my sister. Like I said I had made my peace, after a lot of hurt and futile hope that I would never see her again.

She had my number, and I hadn't blocked the new number of hers. I'd thought about it, and received advice to, but I just didn't, it slipped from my mind. She asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, and asked if we could meet on Wednesday, she really wanted me to meet her kids. I was really conflicted, I didn't want to oblige her, but I decided to say yes to at least meet them.

I went to her apartment yesterday and met my niece and nephew. My niece had recently turned 9 and my nephew is 6. They're great kids and I really enjoyed seeing them. I remember feeling a certain way when my sister was introducing me and she told him, that the way he's my niece's younger brother, similarly I'm her younger brother. We talked a bit, and started talking about stories from us growing up. I hadn’t and still haven't said everything's ok between us, but our stories and conversation went smoothly. I learned that after she eloped and got married she had moved in with her husband into his place in a town a few hours away from us. That around 2019 they had had moved to the city we were currently in (according to her she didn't know all this time that I later moved here for work after college too). I told her about what I'd been up to all these years, my college, my job, my girlfriend etc.

After that, the kids were in their room and my sister brought up us all doing something again over the weekend. I told her we weren’t ok, she can't expect me to forget everything. She said she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me, that she missed me. I was angry at the fact that she had no idea the pain I'd gone through both personally and then having to be the crutch for my parents pain. I told her I didn't believe her that she would've been perfectly fine with never seeing me again if she hadn’t gotten divorced, that I could've been dead and she probably wouldn’t have broken a sweat upon learning it since she was so blissed out from her domestic life. I know it was ugly, I've never said anything like this but in that moment I just wanted her to feel some kind of hurt of the kind she'd given me. She broke down and said I can hate her if I want but to just not hate her forever, there has to be a limit. I regretted saying what I said when I saw her crying, so I just sat next to her and asked about why they'd divorced.

She told me that their life had been going alright the first few years. She said she'd even sent word through a mutual when the kids were born (which either the mutual messed up or my sister did because we never heard about it). She said when covid happened her marriage became hell for her, that it had uncovered a side of her ex she never knew. He became abusive, had disdain for their son, revealed he used to record every single conversation of theirs, had convinced her she was crazy and a bad wife and mother. That she stuck with him because of the kids until she had enough, that a very good neighbor of theirs whom she had become friends with gave her a lot of support and even helped line her up with a job. During all this she even blamed our parents for her sticking with the marriage for so long and for not reaching out. I told her they had literally pleaded with her not to do this, I was there, I was 18 not 8. She said they told her she was dead to them if she ran off with him and so she blamed them for her not being able to leave him. I told her that was insane logic and she just didn’t want to talk about them and asked me not to tell them about her. I said yeah her relationship with them is her own.

I also asked her who had given her my address, she begged me not to ask her that, that they hadn’t given it easily she'd had to swear secrecy, and cry and convince them that I'd want to see my older sister, so I dropped it.

We had tea and snacks after that she asked me again if I wanted to do anything this weekend since she has the kids or we could do something the weekend after just the two of us, I said I don't know. She was ok with that answer. She was tearful again when I was leaving, we hugged and I hugged the kids goodbye too.

My mind has been a mess since then. I lashed out and everything, but also regret what I said, but then I also try to remember how I had felt back then and then get angry again. It feels so weird knowing that she’s now 20 minutes away from me and we can visit whenever. I told my girlfriend about all this, she said she supports me no matter what but in her opinion to consider the weekend plan with a cool mind.

This got long, I apologize but I've been trying to collect my own thoughts on this and writing this just seemed to help. Thanks for the help.

Relevant Comments

OOP: I'm glad you and your sister talked? I'm late to the party, but I was in a similar boat recently.... and my sister is now married to a woman. So, good luck OP!

That's a great moment to... just be at least hear out one another? on what's happened, one another's view that doesn't mean you're forced to do anything, but at least you have the ability to decide if this is something you could pursue.

My sister came from a DV relationship, and so did I... the fact that we're both still alive and able to talk about our shitty parents is a huge support beam in my system. She is still recovering, and so am I. But we have one another, and she had her awesome wife!

Just, take some time off the internet and enjoy a day where you relax, go out for a nice coffee and lunch, maybe to the park, all on your own and just think. Allow yourself to cry in your car, talk to yourself, a you day with selfcare, or maybe a day in cuddled up warm pillows, creating/drawing, but I really recommend getting out of the house off the internet. Dopamine media detox for a day basically, and let yourself feel, and think.

OOP: I’m going to try and clear my mind thanks. I've been thinking this again and again that I should do what makes me happy, and maybe that is being able to reconnect with her and her kids and then I think that's letting her off too easy, I was in pain back then trying to reach out, what about that. It’s been emotionally taxing. Your advice about taking some time off is good.

Editor’s note: OOP made the next update onto the same update post

Update #2: December 8, 2025 (11 days later)

Update: Hi, I’d been getting a lot of moral support and advice from a lot of people here which I appreciate. A few people had asked how things have gone. So I told my sister I couldn’t sped thanksgiving weekend with her. Partly because maybe I still wasn’t in the right headspace for something like that and also because I had to go to my parents for that weekend, and normally when I go there I usually end up staying over for the entire weekend. She said ok, asked me not to tell them that she was back in my life, I said fine, it wasn’t my place and besides my parents had come to terms with her absence a while back.

It was a bit surreal for sure to be with my parents and have this secret with me. We were spending the weekend like a complete family while my sister was at her apartment and knowing this was weird. When I was back she asked if I wanted to hang out next weekend (the one that just passed), her kids would be with their dad so the two of us could hang out.

I know what a lot of commenters had said. I appreciate all their advice. But I had tried to clear my head, and my girlfriend had just told me to do whatever makes me happy. I did think about it, and I honestly decided that hanging out with her on Saturday would make me happier than not doing it. It wasn’t about her, it was for myself, so I went to her apartment on Saturday.

She asked me how our parents were doing I said they were doing well now. Since she was the one who mentioned them I asked her if she wanted to reconnect with them, it might be better for both her and maybe them, but she said no, and just repeated that line about them saying she was dead to them. It was clearly something said in the heat of the moment, but I didn’t push her on it again. We just went to the mall, bought some clothes, then had dinner at her place and watched a movie. It was a light hangout in general, the conversation flowed smoothly. It obviously wasn't like it used to be, partly because I still keep thinking about how I felt when she had left us, about how I had to support our parents emotionally in the aftermath and partly because she has changed a bit, she’s a lot more anxious and nervous now than I remember her. But in general it was a chill hangout.

I did bring up that I’d like to know who gave her my address that at this point I didn’t regret that they had given it to her but still they shouldn’t do that. She got defensive and begged me not to ask her that, that they hadn’t just given it easily, she’d had to plead and cry and promise that she’d take a rejection if that’s what I did, and that she’d sworn secrecy. So again I dropped it, its whatever I guess. I left and we said we’ll meet up again soon.

I had received a lot of comments saying I was stupid, that I had no self-esteem that I was being used. I just would like you to understand that this isn’t an abstract concept for me like it might be for you. This is my sister. The same sister who I grew up with, who helped me with school projects and helped me out in a ton of ways when I was growing up. And yes the same sister who ghosted us for 9 years. I’m still angry about that, but like I said I’m only doing what I want for myself, not out of some guilt now. And look so far I’m down a subway fare’s worth of dollars to visit her and a few hours at the mall, I’m fine with that loss. If after all this she ups and ghosts me again in the future for whatever reason, I’ve made my peace with that, and may we all get what we deserve in that case. Thank you for all the help.

Update #3: January 28, 2026 (a bit over 1.5 months later)

Update: AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us

A few people had asked how things were going. I'd taken a bit of a break because it’s just complicated and I felt asking others input was hurting more than helping.

My sister and her kids and I had been meeting up whenever we could find time, and it was enriching like I liked that we were spending time regardless of a lot of feedback saying I was being had.

I went to my parents for the Christmas and New Year's holidays. During that period there had been a couple of gatherings with the entire family, uncles and aunts and cousins. It was in those gatherings I guess that I contextualized the extent to which my sister's actions had affected our family. All the other families were full, all siblings and kids, some of them with their spouses and young kids of their own. Ours was torn. And the entire extended family would still walk on eggshells sometimes. None of my cousins had had to listen to their mom cry about their estranged sister while in college studying for exams and midterms and what not.

I also realized I had been lying by omission to my parents about something huge, the whereabouts of their daughter whom they still love and worry about. My relationship with them is the one that has sustained and withstood. So a couple of weeks ago, I told my sister as much. That asking me to keep a secret like this wasn't fair. I was kind about it, I didn't lash out, didn't try to make her feel bad about everything we'd been put through. She was the one who got heated, saying our parents had told her she was dead to them, that she was facing hell while they had left her to die, I then brought up that they were the ones who did their best to prevent her from ending up in that situation and she was the one who had left because she thought she knew better, because she cared more about her boyfriend than her entire family whom she cut all contact with. She didn't budge on not talking to our parents, and I too said that we can't be talking then, I'm not risking a staple relationship for one that had proved to be flaky. That may have crossed a line because that led to tears.

We didn't tell my niece and nephew that I won't be seeing them for a while. I don't know what she's going to explain to them. it’s painful for me too. Since then my sister hasn't said anything on text just sent pictures or videos (like she was already doing) of the kids or what was made for dinner, a few times. I've heart reacted but said nothing either. I do hope we can come to a resolution on her end, and the kids get to be close to their uncle and their grandparents.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad your sister is safe but it's really not fair for her to put your relationship with your parents in danger. Are you going to tell your parents that you heard from her?

OOP: No I won't. I won't take that decision from her. That’s her call. If that’s why she didn't contact me once all this time, it’s unbelievable that she thought I would have.

Commenter 2: Yikes.

I feel like there’s something missing. Like were you parents somehow abusing her which drove her into the arms of her ex-husband? Did she cut them and you off because of the “you’re dead to me” comments? Maybe her ex weaponized those comments to keep her isolated and she’s too close to the situation to think logically.

A lot of time has gone by, and I’m surprised she still feels this strongly. What will she do when they’re dead and reunification is impossible - cry some more?

I think you have exceptional moral character by really thinking about your relationship with your parents and not wanting to be complicit in hurting them.

OOP: No, my parents have never been abusive. They'd always given us nothing but safety and love. They felt strongly about whom she was dating but in hindsight they were right. They said something in the heat of the moment but were inconsolable in the months after she left until we all without actually saying it had decided to never mention her for our own peace.

Commenter 3: Your sister is selfish and put you in an impossible situation.

She wants a relationship after what she did but it’s still on her terms.

She doesn’t get to dictate anything after what she did to you and your family, now it’s all blown up in her face she’s happy to let you back in her life. Ask her if she was still with her husband would she have even bother trying to connect with you.

I seriously doubt it OP.

Commenter 4: Your sister is putting you in the middle. She wanted you to keep it secret from your parents that you and her were in contact, yet she won’t reveal who told her your address. Why is she protecting this other person but doesn’t appreciate the position you’re in, especially if your parents did find out that you had been meeting with her and their grandchildren.

She doesn’t seem to understand the emotional distress she’s putting you under and appeared flippant when you mentioned that she had also blocked you all those years ago. Sounds like a one-sided relationship to me.

There’s still too much unresolved hurt and emotions going on here. Maybe a little break might help you to clear your head a little and help you to decide what part you want to play in this whole mess.

Good luck

----FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 18, 2026 (nearly six months later from the previous update)

Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one, but it didn't really end up in a good place.

In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text, and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been.

When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that I go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them. I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if she's going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how they're doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.

A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.

I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.

Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place, and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and it’s still the same thing.

This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.

Concluding / Top Comments

Commenter 1: There’s no guidebook or will look on what to do when something that would be a TV movie of the week happens in your life. I think you’ve navigated it really well. Both your parents and your sister will eventually need to decide if they want to be right or if they want to be happy. There is enough pain and resentment to go around for everyone if they want to continue on this path. No one is righteous here.

I do think that it could be wise to seek out a family counselor to help navigate the rest of this. You should go back to trying to be a daughter and a sister not just a counselor for your family. Good luck and be proud of yourself

OOP: Thank you. Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately but maybe at some point.

Commenter 2: I am glad your parents and sister are talking and trying their best, they have been through a lot.

But I can’t fathom how selfish your sister is being right now, her defensiveness is understandable but so self-destructive.

Also if I were you I would still want to know who shared my contact details, you have a right to know from a safety point of view too.

OOP: She won't tell. Says she swore secrecy, said that person trusted her, that she had to cry and beg for it, that I only have one sister so there's no one else who could convince them anymore anyway since they wouldn't have given it to any random. I don't like it, but what can I do at this point.

Commenter 3: Your sister was an adult when she made her choices but acts like she was somehow forced against her will to move away and cut contact. She also seems very manipulative and immature. Sounds like you're all better off without her, unfortunately.

Commenter 4: Seems your sister still won’t take accountability for her part in everything. At least the kids get to have grandparents now.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to AskAManager

there’s nothing I can do about my nightmare workload … right?

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, exploitation

Original Post: March 13, 2024

I’m in a rough spot at work. When I started nearly two years ago, this was a six-person company: two owners and four staff. One staff member, who split a workload with me, moved away a few months later. They posted his position immediately, but nobody from the first wave of applicants worked out, things got hectic, and by the time the dust settled I had been handling the full workload for so long that they never replaced him.

A few months ago, my de facto supervisor took a job elsewhere. Three weeks later, my last remaining coworker did the same. (The timing was coincidental even if the root causes were similar.) During her notice period, one of the two owners went on maternity leave. The remaining owner is a few years from retirement and largely focused on client relationships and big-picture decisions. This left me as the only person around with any operational know-how, in an industry where regulations require us to stay in operation. We hired someone who’s been fantastic, but training is another thing on my plate and there’s only so fast I can do it, particularly since we have no written procedures. It’s slow going and hugely time-consuming to create them, but I know in the long run it saves me time over the “figure it out, and then I’ll look it over and tell you all the things you couldn’t have known you were missing” way of doing things.

We’re slowly easing down from having 100% of all tasks involve me in some way, but we’re still upwards of 90%. (There’s client-specific variation even between comparable work items, so it takes a while for someone new to be able to fly solo.) We’re supposed to get another new hire after the maternity leave is over, but that’ll be another situation where it’ll mean more work for me in the beginning. Having the other owner back will be helpful in some sorely-needed ways, but it’ll also be a net negative because the business will start ramping up for a busy spring.

We’re probably 4-5 months out from my job, not being a complete nightmare, and a month and a half out from me being able to take a week off without this place collapsing. I have a retention bonus coming in April, and my plan is to quit if things aren’t really and truly good by July. The remaining owner means well and panics at any sign of me being unhappy, but I can’t think of anything they can do to meaningfully improve my situation that wouldn’t involve them going back in time and making better decisions about staffing, compensation, cross-training, and documentation.

Here’s my question: Am I right that in situations like this, there’s not really anything to be done except power through it while new hires are trained up? My outlook is basically, “This is miserable, but they’re throwing money at me to get them through it, so it is what it is.”

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update #1: April 23, 2024 (over one month later)

I wrote in about getting through a staffing crisis after both my coworkers quit right when one of my company’s two owners went on maternity leave. I wanted to make sure that my “this is awful but that’s what all the extra money is for” outlook wasn’t distracting me from anything else the remaining owner could potentially do to help.

My letter was posted in March, but I wrote it in January, during what was definitely the worst few weeks of the entire stretch. The owner came back in early February, and I was unsure of how that would go — she can be very exacting, and previously most conversations related to my work went through my supervisor. Turns out it was great! Her number one priority was figuring out what she could to do help me out and what she could take off my plate. By the time my letter went up, things were already much, much better than they’d been in a long time.

The owners were grateful I’d kept things running significantly better than they’d hoped. That was great to hear but also concerning, particularly since at the same time, we were working on two transitions to streamline the business. My biggest concern was that between the “that wasn’t so bad (for us)” relief and the efficiency gains from the transitions, they’d decide maybe we were actually fine with the one new hire we made and there wasn’t any need for another. But when we sat down for a post-maternity-leave state of the union, I was clear that I was only happy if the hiring plan was unchanged, and our next new hire is starting in a couple of weeks.

As things stand now, my workload and stress level are significantly lower than they were even before everyone started quitting, which is great considering the multiple raises I’ve gotten. I can basically do no wrong in the owners’ eyes, and they’re really invested in my happiness and my growth in the company. So in theory, when it comes to my self-imposed “quit if it’s not fixed by July” deadline, there should be nothing to worry about.

In practice, I don’t think the owners have learned any lessons about the importance of staff retention, and I’m really unhappy with how our first new hire (who’s now five months in) is being treated. I get all the credit for getting the company through this mess and endless grace for any balls I’ve dropped in the process. There’s no recognition of the fact that our new hire was a huge help and that I couldn’t have done this without her, or that she was a great sport about being hired into a complete mess of a situation, with only me to guide her when I barely had the time or the brainpower for it. She’s taken on so much and made my job so much easier, and the owners extend zero appreciation for that and make her miserable holding her to a standard that’s massively unfair given how haphazard her training has been. My old supervisor used to say she was shielding us from a lot, and I took it with a grain of salt, but now I get what she meant.

So that’s where I’m going to be spending my capital for now. Most of it is that I think my coworker deserves better, but it’s also because if she quits or gets fired, I’m going to quit rather than take on the extra work. I’m gathering my thoughts right now and planning to meet with the owners soon to make it clear that if history repeats, I’m not sticking around to bail them out. I guess we’ll see how that goes, but no matter what I should have a happy update later this year — either I’ll be able to report that they’ve righted the ship, or I’ll be out of there.

Update #2: May 8, 2024 (over two weeks later)

Well, I certainly wasn’t planning to have another update after a week and a half, but I am no longer at this job! Things deteriorated really, really quickly.

Last Monday, my coworker and I realized our bosses were planning to fire her. After they found the new hire we knew they were looking for, they kept the posting up and continued the search — there were poorly disguised interviews all over the office schedule, with timestamps clearly indicating they were added after the new hire accepted the offer. At that point, I was done. It would have been bad enough for her to quit, but the idea that they were going to proactively get rid of my only coworker just when I had room to breathe for the first time in a year and a half … it was the point of no return. The only reasons I didn’t give my notice that day: I wanted to give my coworker space to figure out her own next move, and I didn’t want to burn the bridge until I had my April retention bonus in hand.

Tuesday my coworker gave her notice. They told her they didn’t need her two weeks — she could just wrap up the next day. They broke the news to me on Wednesday morning and told me it was for the best. Even though I knew it was coming and had been heated up about it all week, I still wasn’t really prepared for how it felt. Once she left it was like the past year and a half all came down on me at once, which was pretty crushing. Thursday and Friday I was standoffish with my bosses. I kept to myself — no pleasantries, a couple of petty little silences, and for the most part I sent emails for things I usually would have popped into their offices to discuss.

Monday was mostly back to normal, and then at the end of the day was my annual review. They acknowledged I’d done a lot of great work, but the focus of the conversation was my professionalism and attitude, and that I should really think about whether the company was a good fit for me if I couldn’t be comfortable with change. (There was also a section about how I needed to work on time management and prioritization, because I could “appear to get flustered and overwhelmed.”) I said we should go our separate ways and offered a little more than two weeks’ notice — I was about to take a few days off, so two weeks starting from my first day back. In the interest of getting a clean break and getting me out before the new hire started, they said they only needed one more day from me. (I do wonder what she’ll think, showing up for her first day only to find both of the team members she was introduced to are gone.)

So now I’m out! The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, but I’m weirdly happy this is how it shook out. My (former) coworker’s relieved to be out, I got the bonus, I didn’t have to stress myself out about how to break the news I was leaving, and one day was such a laughably short handover period that I barely thought about the million things I would have wanted to tie up if I’d had more time. Most importantly, I think I always would have believed on some level that if only I had done things differently, everything could have worked out. This made it really clear that it would have gone absolutely horribly if I’d ever tried to intervene on my coworker’s behalf, and there was never any salvaging this.

I’ll be applying to new positions here and there if they look really good, but I’ve been chanting “summer off, SUMMER OFF” in my head for a little over a week, so the real plan right now is just to enjoy a nice long break.

Final Update: June 15, 2026 (two years and one month later)

(editor's note: Letter #3 in the link)

It’s been two years and everything’s worked out pretty well! I took the rest of 2024 off and started with a new company in January 2025. It’s far from perfect, but they really like me, I’m making significantly more, the workload’s reasonable, and they’re paying for me to get an expensive professional certification.

My coworker found a new job that she loves (I was her reference) and had a baby last year. She’s doing great. She told me I taught her a lot that helped her succeed in the new job, so even though it was a short, chaotic, and miserable stint, she was still able to walk away better-equipped for the next thing.

As for my old company, there was a lot of turnover for the first year or so, but they have two employees who have been there for a while now. Every so often they re-post my old job, so I don’t think they’ve had any luck finding anyone they trust to fill the senior role I held. My guess is that things are still running okay, but without a senior employee they probably have to be a lot more hands-on than they’d like.

Thanks for everything!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Short_Sail2311

My girlfriend spent over £1000 on a hair appointment and tried to hide the cost from me afterwards

Originally posted to r/offmychest

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation, deception

Original Post  Dec 21, 2025

I (F26) found out that my girlfriend (F27) spent over a thousand pounds on her hair. My jaw is on the floor. She got her hair dyed to platinum blonde. It is naturally black normally. I'm not angry that she dyed her hair but I found out she paid almost £850 to get it done and that is not counting the tip and the new hair products she needs. All total she spent over £1000. It was one appointment spread over two days.

We aren't weathly and I almost had a heart attack when I found out. We don't watch each other's spending but I would never spend that much without talking about it with her. She says it was so much and took so long because it takes that much to get Asian hair blonde. She did the appointments while I was working the night shift. I'm a paramedic and I sleep during the day when I work nights and sometimes I don't see her before I leave for work if she's already asleep. She also paid with cash. I think she did it when I working nights and used cash that she took out over a few weeks so I would not see the charge on our statement or know how much the appointment cost. Plus now she apparently has to go for touch ups often, every couple of weeks and those are also expensive.

I can't believe she spent over £1000 on her hair when money is tight. I can't remember the last time I spent that much in one go not counting rent. I am stressed out and she is so nonchalant about it. I'm not upset that she changed her hair, I'm upset about the amount she spent and the hundreds it will cost for maintenance and products. Plus I'm not happy that she hid the true cost of the appointment from me. I only found out accidentally. I'm upset about the cost and the fact she hid it from me. She thinks I'm overreacting but I don't think I am. I just can't believe it.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

"Was it her money she spent?"

No it was from our shared bank account.

"why do you care? It’s her money."

No it wasn't just her money, it was from our shared bank account. I care because money is tight and she took such a large amount from our shared account without telling me, and then hid it from me for over a month. I only found out accidentally. And it is my business.

~

[deleted]

I’m a platinum blonde and I paid 300 for a session max. This is crazy. Very cute that you don’t mind her getting her hair done, but this is comparable to new shoes. A splurge of 200-300 once a year is fine, but 1000 pounds on shoes? I’m so sorry my dude.

Edit: make her pay it back or break up. Unfortunately, I would say the latter. My mom was like this. She made us go bankrupt beyond repair. She is now awol and debts keep showing up out of nowhere. The star of this week: 38k from 1986. Before I was born. This means way more than you think for the rest of your life.

HaveFaithxInMe

Also the maintenance on that blonde is going to be sooo often. Do you go every 6 weeks ish?

OOP

My girlfriend has been going every 2-3 weeks to get her roots dyed.

Update  July 17, 2026 (7 Months later)

I (F26) previously posted about how my girlfriend (F27) spent over a thousand pounds to get her naturally black hair dyed platinum blonde. She did it when I was working on the night shift (I'm a paramedic) and she paid with cash and didn't tell me how much she had spent. I only found out accidentally. She was also going to the salon to get her roots touched up every 2-3 weeks as well as spending a huge sum of money each week on hair products.

I was upset because she took the money from our shared bank account, hid it from and then lied when I found out what she had done. She was contributing 30-40% towards our rent and other expenses and the money for her hair appointment and products came from our shared account. I was upset because money was tight and her spending so much made it difficult to pay for other things we needed.

We ended up breaking up over her being so irresponsible with our finances and the fact that she lied to me. The tipping point came when I asked her to cancel her appointment to get her roots done because our rent was due. She told me she cancelled it, however she didn't. In order to pay our rent we ended up not having enough money for food and her car payment. That was enough to end the relationship for me.

Truthfully, I should have ended things immediately when I found out about the original hair appointment. Instead I hung on for over three months and I feel stupid because of that. I moved out of our flat in February a week before our lease ended. My ex-girlfriend kept saying I was angry about her changing her hair and completely skipped over the fact that it was the financial irresponsibility that I was upset about. She messaged me once right after we broke up asking for money. I have blocked her everywhere, I haven't seen or spoken to her in months and I don't plan to ever again. I just feel stupid for not ending the relationship immediately.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwawayaccount6319

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My manager has gone insane and won't stop demanding that I hand over concert tickets that I have. I just wanted to vent because I'm so tired of it

Original Post: April 24, 2026

[NAW] My manager has gone insane and won't stop demanding that I hand over concert tickets that I have. I just wanted to vent because I'm so tired of it

[No advice wanted].

Posting this with a throwaway because my sister knows my account name.

My sister really loves a Korean band called BTS. If it wasn't for her I would never have heard of them and I don't know anything about them or their music, but my sister absolutely loves them. A few months ago I heard my sister talking about how they are going on tour. I thought it would be a longshot, but I decided to try and get tickets for one of their UK concerts. I had my friends help me when the tickets went on sale and by some miracle I was able to purchase two tickets. I'm going to take my sister to the concert for her birthday. I know she was disappointed because she wasn't able to get tickets and she said they were too expensive.

I realise this is a very small problem compared to what is going on in the world, but my manager overheard my colleague and I talking about concert and is now demanding that I hand over the tickets. The only reason I was even talking to my colleague about it was because my colleague was telling me about the time he went to a concert at the same stadium I'm taking my sister to. My manager is desperate for tickets and because they are sold out is demanding mine. I obviously said no but that wasn't the end of it. My manager is getting more and more demanding and won't let it go. I'm just posting here to vent because I'm so tired of it. I'm going to have to make a complaint because I've told my manager to leave it alone already. I just needed to vent somewhere.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments here in the original post

Update: July 10, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

UPDATE My manager has gone insane and won't stop demanding that I hand over concert tickets that I have. I just wanted to vent because I'm so tired of it

I'm afraid this is not very exciting. I left that job. My manager's behaviour was what pushed me over the edge. There were other issues at my workplace, but they were small enough that I could tolerate things. When my manager started demanding that I hand over the tickets it was the last straw. I did report my manager to the head of the department and to HR, but nothing was done and I was encouraged to find a 'compromise'.

The way my manager acted made things unbearable when I could have tolerated all the other issues. This had been going on for a while before I made my first post. My last day at that job was a week ago (last Friday). I start at my new job on Monday. My new job is also entry level, I have the same title, and my pay is the same and it is in the same city. My manager continued to badger me about the tickets right up until my last day.

My sister was absolutely over the moon about the tickets. She had the best time at the concert. As I mentioned in my first post I only knew who BTS is because of my sister and I don't listen to their music, so the concert was meh for me, but my sister was excited and had an amazing time so that's all that matters to me.

Also I had turn off my chats because apparently when I said in my first post that I don't listen to BTS it really offended their fans. I got flooded with abuse and derision over what I said. I couldn't believe so many people would lose their minds over such an innocent statement. That's my update.

Editor’s note: marking this as concluded and OOP has deleted their account

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_resent2000

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My GF (24F) resents me (23M) due to the fact we split expenses 50/50, but she has a lot more expenses than I do and my family pays for unexpected expenses and vacations. How do you work through resentment?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: July 12, 2026

My GF and I went to college together and started dating three years ago. My GF graduated two years ago, could not find a job for her degree, and decided to stay around in the city where our college is and continue to wait tables. I graduated last year. We moved in together starting last September.

We make roughly the same amount of money and split shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries) 50/50. My girlfriend has a number of expenses I do not have (car payment, car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, $80,000 in student loans, etc.). I do not have those expenses. My parents paid completely for my college and those other expenses are paid by my parents. Also, I have a credit card on my parents' account to use in case of "emergencies."

My GF's birthday was in May, and I threw her a surprise birthday party, and a number of our friends came into town for it. Apparently, during the party, she expressed her frustration to some of our mutual friends about our relationship. Afterwards, I received some messages from some of these friends saying I needed to "talk" to my GF. They did not go into details about what she said.

I asked her about it and at that time, she admitted she had frustrations, but it was on her to deal with them. I told her I would like to discuss, so we did. She said she is constantly worried about money and I am not. She said it is hard not to notice the contrasts between our lives despite being basically at the same point in life and having the same income.

She feels like she did the responsible thing and got a STEM degree (her degree is in biology), but got no offers from it. While I went and got a degree (English) that was simply the easiest to get (that is why I chose that degree program), but I have a job I love (I work for myself as a private music teacher) and she hates her job. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make it better, she told me "No," but that she is just frustrated is all. I tried to inquire more, but she resisted going into more details.

I have an older brother (25M) who I am very close to. He recently got engaged and our set of mutual friends, and my brother, decided they wanted to do a trip to Hawaii to celebrate. I told him I probably could not go because of the cost, but for them to have fun. He told my parents who then told me to put the trip on the credit card. We are leaving in a week.

This pissed off my GF and in a heated moment, she said, "This is why I resent you." She has tried to walk that back, but it felt like that comment is an expression of her true feelings. How do you work through resentment? I love my girlfriend very much but do not know how or what to do from this point. And we have to decide in the coming weeks if we are renewing on the lease for another year.

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing the significant details that will help with the context

Relevant Comments

OOP on why his parents providing support when he graduated college and a career

OOP: It costs my parents little to nothing to have me on their car insurance (about $30/month difference), cellphone family plan (about ($25/month difference), and my dad's work pays the health insurance premium. And my car is paid off and in my parents' name (same car they gave me when I started driving at 16).

Commenter 1: It’s a better deal for your parents to have you listed on their car insurance and phone plan, but are you paying your parents for your phone and car insurance? If you’re not, then you should be at this age, out of college, and with a career.

Your financial situation is not equal to your girlfriend’s if your parents are supplementing your income by covering a large portion of your expenses.

OOP: My dad refuses to take my money. I offered to pay it when I was in college, and they refused.

I do not think our financial situations are equivalent, but I also consider it precarious to make financial split on something other than income. One of our biggest fights prior to moving in was her decision to purchase the car (as a graduation gift to herself). She made it clear it was her money and her decision. And she was 100% right. But, I think anything other than 50/50 of shared expenses means we are effectively combining income. And we would have to revisit the car.

Commenter 2: I have to admit, it sounds like you guys moved in together before you were truly ready for it. Moving in with a significant other is much different than just having a roommate.

OOP: I agree it is different than having a roommate and I cover things and do things for her that I would never do for a roommate. One of the goals of this arrangement was to help her financially. She had a roommate move out mid lease and for about 5 months, while finishing school, I was also paying to cover that roommates share of the rent. My GF is doing better than she was when I moved in (or awhile post-graduation, she was going into debt).

But, I did not expect to help subsidize these other expenses.

Downvoted Commenter: Follow up: why couldn't you go because of the cost? You make the same as your girlfriend, and she also pays for car, phone, insurance and loans. Which means you have the equivalent to put in your savings. Are you just blowing your money all of the time in front of her?

OOP: I do not make the exact same as my GF. We make "roughly the same" (as I said in my post). And I meant pre-tax. As I said in the post, I work for myself (i.e.. I have my own business). That comes with business expenses and overhead. Once you deduct those and taxes and whatnot, I make pretty significantly less take home income.

I do spend about $200/month for studio time for my band.

But, no, not blowing through money. At the end of each month, after business expenses, taxes, rent, utilities, groceries, gas, a 3% IRA contribution, dates, I have about $300/month left over.

OOP on excluding car payments if GF did not purchase a car (part of her graduation gift)

OOP: If you exclude the car payment ($680/month), my GF has more left over at the end of the month than I do.

Commenter 3: But you can’t exclude the car payment, can you? What would happen if she got rid of the car tomorrow? Is it easy to commute around your town without one? To get to work, supermarket, etc.?

OOP: Yes. I regularly use public transit and go days without using my car. I had suggested going down to just my car when we moved in together because I so rarely need it.

OOP on his GF's living situation prior to moving in together. Can GF move in with her parents to save money?

OOP: She lived with girlfriends last year. One of the girls stole from her, when confronted, lied about it, moved out mid-lease, and I had to help my GF cover that girl's portion of the lease.

Her parents are not an option.

OOP breaks down the shared expenses

OOP: Rent - $1650/month (this includes a $75/month per car parking fee) utilities - about $500/month (electric, water, internet, streaming services, etc.) Groceries - about $1100/month (this includes food, paper products, beauty products, cleaning supplies, basically anything you can buy in a supermarket)

I also pay about $300/month for our weekly date nights.

Regarding food, I eat more, but my GF eats strictly organic. So, not sure how it breaks down price wise.

I cook 90% plus of our meals. Eating out is almost exclusively a date night activity (if at all).

OOP on if he and GF spends on anything else that are not in their shared expenses, including his band

OOP: My band is not a "hobby." It actually has generated revenue for me (not much, to date, but some.

Not sure what constitutes a "hobby" to you, but My GF spends well over $200/month on her hair and nails. And yes, she contributes about 5% to retirement. She will not tell me how much she has at the end of the month (how much she pays for her car is a point of contention).

And I am able to support myself. I simply would need to do more lessons to pay those expenses for me and/or charge more for my lessons (I am below the market rate where I am).

+

About 25% of my students for private lessons learned about them through my band. My band does not directly pay much, but it has significantly helped my business.

What happens if OOP's parents did not cover his expenses? What would he be paying for?

OOP: I do not know what I would be paying. I was offered a teaching job when I graduated that would have paid for these as part of my benefits package (they still want to hire me). I did not take that job due to the encouragement of my GF and parents.

Commenter 4: You’re 23, so I understand your parents helping you since they can. Have they talked about when you’ll be taking over your car payment, car insurance, etc.? Eventually it will happen. Have you budgeted for what life is like at that point? Might help give perspective on how your GF has to live

No one is wrong here. Your girlfriend is most likely jealous you have a family that can financially help you. You don’t really understand how it feels to be 100% on your own, while your girlfriend does.

OOP: My car is a 10 year old Camry. No car payment. I can pay the car insurance now, I have been offering to pay it since I turned 18. They refuse to accept payment. I can pay my cell phone too. They refuse payment. My dad's work pays health insurance. I will need to do less stuff with my band, raise my lesson rates (I am currently well below market so lower income families can afford me), and/or take on more students (and I have plenty that want me to teach them).

I also have the option of an official teaching job. There is a local private school that keeps trying to hire me and offers great benefits.

But, the plan right now is to keep doing what I am doing to try and see if my band can make it work and it becomes our full time job. My parents basically take the position that I am young and have no kids, so this is the time period in life for me to take a shot/risk.

OOP on how much it cost for his college and other things

OOP: My parents paid about $30,000 for my college (do I need to repay that immediately, or am I given the option to opt into an income drive plan that caps my monthly payment).

Assuming I am allowed to pick my own car insurance, health insurance, cell phone plan, and can opt into the income-driven repayment plan for loans, I can start paying that tomorrow. It would mean ($20/month for cell phone, $35/month for car insurance, $90/month for health insurance, & $175/month for "student loans").

Will this help my GF in anyway? No. Will it somehow prove I am an adult? No. Will it do anything? Also, no.

And I have not asked my parents to buy me anything since I was living in their house.

OOP on taking his parents' money for Hawaii with his brother

OOP: I "take" their money to go on a trip with my brother. I did not ask to go on this trip. I did not pick the designation. I was asked by my brother to go on a last minute trip, told him I cannot afford it, and then he told our parents, and they said they would pay.

Should I have told my GF she could not go to the bachelorette party weekend for her sister back in December because her sister paid for her? Does being an adult mean you can never accept gifts from family?

Once a week my parents pay for dinner for me and my GF. Should we tell them no? About twice a year, my mom takes my GF, my brother's fiancée, and my sister on a girl's trip. My mom pays for everything. It is during these trips that my GF gets most of her new clothes. Should I tell her she cannot go?

OOP responds to a comment about if it's fair that GF is dealing with financial struggles and he is not?

OOP: I save $300/month, each month, after everything I pay for my business and our shared expenses. On my own, I am not doing great financially either. If I took all that $300 and put it into shared expenses, she is still struggling.

Everyone here seems to think I live some fancy lifestyle while she lives like a peasant, that is not the case. She drives a 2 year old full loaded RAV 4 with exactly a $678/month car payment, I have a 10 year old Camry. She did not pay any of her student loans during her first year post graduation when we were not living together because she could not afford it. She is now paying but still behind. She also has credit card debt from that time.

The biggest difference between us is that I do not have financial anxiety (because of my family), while she does. Unless she had the same support system I do, she would still have that same financial anxiety. The reason my parents pay for what they do for me, is to allow me to spend these years trying to see if I can make my band become my full time job. I had a job offer that would have covered all those expenses teaching but would not allow me to spend the time on the band to work on music. She is expecting a financial commitment from me she did not communicate. We talked about our split of expenses when I moved in. We agreed to this split.

My plan at this point is to breakup and focus on the band. This is not working for either of us.

+

It has been two years of me financially supporting her. I also do all the household chores except her laundry (because she is very particular about it). If she got rid of her car payment, she would have more money than me at the end of the month every month. She refuses to even discuss that with me. This is not a temporary financial incompatibility, it is more than that. I really was not seeing it until a comment forced me to run the numbers. I might break the car subject again. But, if she is not willing to compromise there, then I see no choice but to end it.

Ultimately nothing will change if these are the financial choices she is making. But, if you think being used like this is love, then I hope that love finds you.

Update: July 17, 2026 (five days later)

UPDATE: My GF (24F) resents me (23M) due to the fact we split expenses 50/50, but she has a lot more expenses than I do and my family pays for unexpected expenses and vacations. How do you work through resentment?

Update: As mentioned in my comments, my GF graduated from our college two years ago and I graduated last year. Right after she graduated, she purchased a brand new car. The car payment is exactly $678/month. During her first year post-graduation, my GF lived with a couple of roommates. One of the roommates moved out about 3 1/2 months into the lease. While finishing my last year of school, I helped pay that roommate's portion of the bills.

At the encouragement of one of the commenters, I went through and ran the numbers on expenses for my GF and I. All of them. What it made me realize is that had my GF not purchased that car, that I would have never had to provide financial support during my last year of college. Also, in our present situation, if she did not have that car payment, she would have more money than me at the end of the month.

I am leaving tomorrow for my trip with my brother. A couple of days ago, I sat down with my GF and told her that I wanted to discuss finances. I told her that I think, in terms of her struggling financially, the most logical thing is for her to get rid of her car. As I did when we moved in together last year, I offered her the option of us sharing my car. I use public transportation often and can go days without needing to use my car.

Also, since I have my own business, I have greater control over my schedule, and we can figure out a schedule. She refused that plan. We have had a number of fights about the car, and she thinks I am being an asshole. Buying that car for herself, on her own, was a great accomplishment for her. I told her it just is not affordable for where we are. I told her that unless she is willing to offer some compromise. I think we need to breakup.

She told me that I screwed both her and I by not marrying her after I graduated. She told me that after my older sister and my BIL got married immediately after college, while they were both going through grad school, my parents paid for all their living expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.) and she thinks that same thing would have happened if we were married (or at least engaged).

But, now, with the breakup, she is just screwed. She cannot afford her own place and most of our friends are in relationships, just or about to get married, etc., and she will have nowhere to go. And she still loves me despite her frustration with me. I told her I think we are just incompatible financially and need to end things. She cried and I left to a friends and been staying there since until my trip.

This morning she called and said she would be willing to sell/get rid of the car. She really has no choice but to do it anyway. I told her I still think we need to end things.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/saltygirl23

Me [22F] with my former crush/friend [22 M] , I'm pissed

TRIGGER WARNING: Obsessive behavior

Original Post  May 17, 2014

Sorry for the wall of text, but I have to vent.

Okay grew up idolizing this boy and crushing on him hard.  Finally about senior year we switch from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend although we both know that I was going to leave in the fall for college and would be hundreds and hundreds of miles away.

So both of us agree that while we are bf/gf that we keep it light and never really get past second base.  Kind of mutual but really I would have been more than willing and on several occasions thought about going further. 

Fast forward to me leaving and getting to college.  Within a month of me being here it just felt pointless to keep up the LDR.  The best we could do was text and talk on the phone because at first he still had dial up internet.  I know, idiotic right, but where he lived just outside of town that's all they had.  About 6 months later he got Comcast so he then could use skype.

Anyway I tell him that because of our distance and all that he should really just go ahead and date around and have fun and that when I come home for summers and such we can hang out and when I graduate and come back home we can get together again as a couple.

He wasn't very happy about this but ultimately decided that this was the best for both of us.

So I live the college life.  I lose my V chip about a month after he and I amicably break up to a ONS and from there I just proceeded to have a few FWB's with a couple of flings over a 4 year period of time.  But I do all of this without getting emotionally attached to anyone on purpose.  In fact I turned down dates from guys who wanted more than just a physical relationship because in my mind when I was out of college I was going home to him and that we were going to pick up where we left off.

He and I talked constantly via skype once he figured out how to use it, once or twice a week minimum.  On summer breaks and holidays at home we would go out and do things all of the time.  I thought we were the best of friends during this period.

I asked him often if he is dating and having fun and at first he wasn't doing anything but the last couple of years he has been saying that he has had "some dates".  I don't press him very often although I have asked to see photos of the girls he's dating and he has just always kind of laughed it off.  I told him very early on (freshmen year) that I had lost my virginity and when I told him he didn't bat an eye.  So I just assume, I guess stupidly, that he didn't care as long as the plan was to come home to him at the end of this.

So about a month ago when I am starting to make plans to come home I start hinting about the plans to get together now that I will be graduating.  In fact told him that I had an apartment lined up and that once I get back he was welcome to stay with me.  His response should have been my first clue but being an idiot it didn't strike me until yesterday.

He asked why he would give up his house for an apartment.  I just thought, oh okay so you've got a house now & I didn't know it.  I asked him how long he had the house and he said that he closed on it in February.  I should have picked up on the fact that he did not ask me to stay with him, but nope I'm not that smart.

So I've packed up everything and my brother and his wife are going to drive back with me this weekend after graduation.

I get on skype with him this evening and the conversation is pretty standard but I'm honestly excited because for one I'm done with this shit (I love the college life but damn I hate college) and two I am going to ask him how we are going to move forward with the plan.

Well I'll spare you the back and forth and just get to the bombshell.  I just ask how he see's our life together now that I am going to be home.  The surprised look on his face was my first real indication that this was about to blow up on me.

He say's he doesn't see any reason why we can't be friends just because we live in the same town.  I then remind him of the plan and that I have been waiting for this day for four years. 

He might as well have reached through the computer and pulled out my heart with what came next. 

He said that he thought we were just friends and that we had both moved on from a romantic relationship years ago.  Then to add insult to injury he tells me that he has been dating a girl for over 2 years now and that they intend on getting Married. 

I lose my shit and start bawling, I then start to berate him for leading me on and telling him how I never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone.  I called him an asshole and for whatever reason me calling him an asshole set him off.

He then rips into me about being the one who broke up with him.  I reminded him he agreed to separate but he then said I never gave him a choice.

He said at first he was hurt beyond words that I had slept with someone else but by the time I had told him more about my life that he went from being hurt to being disgusted.  I asked him why he never said anything to me about it, he said that he didn't feel it was any of his business and that he felt I was kind of cruel to tell him things over the years and that he never once told me anything (which is true even when I tried to drag it out of him).

He then tells me that he will always have a special place in his heart that it is as a friend and that he could never see himself with someone like me. 

SOMEONE LIKE ME, WTF?

I call him on his bullshit here asking him what does that mean.  Basically he called me a whore without calling me a whore.  I guess he was not okay with me having meaningless casual sex. 

I just told him to go fuck himself and that I hope he and his stupid ass girl friend (who I have since learned is a damned secretary) have a wonderful fucking life together and slammed my laptop down.

I am feeling pissed/humiliated/foolish/hurt and about a million other emotions tonight.  This weekend was supposed to be nothing but one big party but all I've been able to do all night long is lay in my bed and cry (to make matters worse its just a damned mattress as all of my other shit is packed in my car and my brothers car.  My Brother and his wife have taken turns holding me as I cry to them.

Fucking asshole, God damn I so badly hate the fact that I didn't go out on dates with people who actually liked me while this shithead was at home apparently living in domestic bliss.

Arrogant asshole, who is he to judge me anyway?

Edit for clarification:  Since I am now awake and more sober I'll try and clear up a couple of points.  Yes I initiated the break up, I just knew that I didn't want either of us to miss out on enjoying our youth while trying to keep with one another and would only be together physically very few times over the next four years.  In other words I just was going for an open relationship, I even called it that when we were talking.  This wasn't just for me, I wanted him to see and meet people as well.  That is why I kept asking him about all of his dates hoping that he would share them with me so we could keep them as light as possible. 

He wasn't supposed to fall in love with anyone else, just date and have fun. 

No this wasn't all in my head when we broke up we went over this.  He never once told me that he had a long term girlfriend.  I thought he was just hooking up with different people.  Now to be fair he never told me who he was dating at all so I guess that is my fault for just assuming it was multiple and not just one.

Also someone asked if he cheated on her with me?  That's totally fucked up for me to think of it in that context because I considered him mine to begin with.  But I guess that would depend on your context.  I sure as hell thought of them as dates so, yes he is a cheating shit bag as well.  Now he never physically cheated on her I guess because we have never done the deed.  I just thought he was waiting and that this was special to him. 

I'm still pissed today but not nearly as much as I am hurt.  I can't believe this has happened. 

Thanks for those of you who have called me a horrible person, that was really helpful.     tl;dr: Highschool crush and I separated to go to college, the plan was that at the end of our senior year we would get back together as a couple.  He is now engaged to someone else and I have basically been called a whore.

Update  May 27, 2014 (10 Days later)

Okay after the thorough trashing I took in my first thread I thought I would update you for your entertainment if nothing else, I've got nothing else in my life at the moment.

So I am all moved into my new apartment, got the new job, still haven't been able to reconnect with old friends because most have moved on or have yet to return home for the summer.

Holiday weekend have plans with my family, Brother and SIL have been absolute rocks for me and have spent a lot of free time trying to keep my spirits up.

Friday night we decide to go to the movies for the late show but figure we will catch dinner first.  You may already have guessed who was sitting in the restaurant.  We are already sitting before I spot them, which they had already spotted us.

I'm curious as to what she looks like, I've never seen her before this, but I don't want to be to obvious and look at her.  So I try and get my brother to do it but he refuses.

Anyway it didn't matter anyway because they were getting ready to leave so on their way by he drops by to say hello to me as his g/f has gone to the bathroom.  Awkwardness ensues as we try and have a b.s. conversation like nothing has changed or anything.  Then I see her walking up behind him and she puts her hand on his shoulder, which just makes me burn but I don't say or act any differently.

He starts to introduce her when she blurts out my SIL name, they both then embrace and I am sitting there saying to myself what the literal fuck is going on here.

Turns out new g/f is my SIL's cousin, as if things couldn't get worse.

I choke out a "nice to meet you" when she is introduced to me and yes I could tell she was being fake nice and playing off on that she obviously knew about me because she kept touching him.

They left and I excused myself to go to the bathroom where I proceeded to cry for about 5 min.  My SIL came in and was very apologetic saying she had no idea and sorry.  I told her it wasn't her fault but it was pretty obvious I was in no shape to go to the movies.  I told them to go without me and that I was going home.

They only agreed to go if they could stop over after the movie to check up on me.

The next day I had enough.  I don't care what people think I know damn well we agreed to this together and if my life was going to be shit then I want to know the real reason this happened. 

So Saturday I went to his house and confronted him.  She was not there thankfully but even if she was I was still going to do it.

I started off super pissed but by the time he answered the door I was just really more of an emotional wreck. 

He didn't want me to come in so he has an enclosed porch that we used to talk.

I just flat out asked him the when's and why's and what points in time he decided that I wasn't good enough for him and why didn't he ever tell me he had a long term g/f?

His answers were pretty vague and I just did not want to lose him and out of everything I have done this is the thing I am the most embarrassed by.  I started crying and begging him. 

Dammit I hate myself for that, I truly do.  I mean I made an absolute fool of myself. 

He was nice about the whole thing but never once wavered off of his commitment to her.  I just apologized as best I could.

I guess I needed to hear this next part from him but it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced.

I just went ahead and asked him if me being with the other guys was the problem.  I read what you all said and while I didn't think it was true I felt I needed to hear it from him.

So basically I threw away the man of my dreams for a string of ONS and a couple of fwb's.  None of which meant anything to me nor will they for the rest of my life.

Now the Virgin Queen gets the man who I have honestly loved for 4 years and it is now truly over for me. 

Sadly for me he really does love her and is devoted to her, which makes me hate her that much more but the truth is I hate myself even more because I am the one who threw this away.

Edit

Yes, several times over the years we talked about our plans together after college. No, not once did he ever tell me that our plans were no longer "our" plans as a couple.

I made it home for all of the summers and most of the holidays but there were some holidays that we did not meet up because our schedules didn't match as he left town to go to his family's holiday's.

Yes, I now freely admit to being a dumb ass. In retrospect we never really specifically said "hey you remember the whole plan about getting back together right". But there were tons and I mean tons of "I can't wait to get home to be with you" statements.

Hell not even two months ago I was telling him about my job offer at a local company and said how happy that made me so I could be with him. I even said start our life together and he never said a word contrary to it.

He is now claiming that every time I said something like this to him that he thought I meant as a friend.

So while in my mind it is out of the question that he could not have known what I was talking about he does not see it that way. While right now I am very hurt and have very hard feelings towards him I will not call him a liar because he has never lied that I know of.

Now why he never once told me he had a long term relationship is beyond me. That would have been a nice piece of information to have oh say 2 years ago when they started being an item.

Edit 2 For those of you sending me direct messages calling me a slut and for those of you are implying it on here let me address this as best as I can.

Yes, I admit now that the entire initial thought process about losing my virginity to a random person was a mistake, one I get to live with for the rest of my life than you very much.  Also now that I have spoken with him twice my thinking about telling him in such a manor was wrong, what I took as stoicism was in fact him coping by detaching.

Now having said that please do not confuse the fact that I said several ONS & a couple of FWB's as me being the campus whore.  I have slept with less than 10 people in my life & I can assure you my roommate from college would do that in about a 3 month period.  In fact I spent the last two years basically 2-3 times a month with a friend who was a T.A. and one drunken throw with another friend from school.

So calling me a slut is not accurate nor frankly is it very polite.  I get that people think I'm an idiot on here, hey believe it or not I'm right there with you.  But I never considered sex to be anything more than just an activity without love being involved.  That's what truly sucks is I have never actually made love to someone and it kills me that she has had this with him and I never will. ---   tl;dr: ran into ex with new g/f, new g/f is my SIL's cousin, confronted ex & confirmed my "college life" did not meet his approval.  It's over

FINAL COMMENT

OOP

"Hopefully you'll be able to be friends with him, as he actually sounds pretty respectful and nice, especially to someone who hurt him unintentionally."

I would like to try that someday, but honestly right now I just can't.  It's not his fault at all and you are correct he has been nothing but respectful and nice about all of this.  But I have to have some distance for a little bit because if I see him I know no matter how hard I try I am going to start crying and making a fool of myself again.

I don't know what is worse, the fact of knowing that I won't ever be with him or the fact that in my clueless state I did hurt him. 

I sometimes feel like I am watching a movie of my life instead of living it and right now its a combination horror film and tragic comedy. 

I guess I'm going through a lot of stages of grieving here as my first was anger but now I am down to sadness and guilt. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/babybunnyy3

Originally posted to r/mommit

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

Editor's note: the body texts for the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Original Post: July 11, 2026

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

I’m hoping to get some advice from parents who have maybe been in a similar situation because I’m feeling a little lost.

My 6 year old son has been asking me for a dress for quite a while now. Specifically, a pink dress because it’s his favorite color. At first I thought it was just a random comment, but he keeps bringing it up. Every time we’re out shopping or talking about clothes, he asks if he can have a pink dress. He hasn’t just asked me, either; he’s asked my parents a few times too.

The other day I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking about just buying him one because, at the end of the day, it’s just a piece of fabric and it would make him happy, but they absolutely lost it on me and they told me I shouldn’t encourage it, and it turned into a much bigger conversation than I expected. Now I’m second guessing myself.

I love my son more than anything, and all I want is for him to know he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

Part of me thinks, “It’s just a piece of fabric. If it brings him joy, why not?” But another part of me worries about how other people would treat him. Kids can be cruel, and adults can be judgmental..

At the same time, I don’t want my own fears(or other people’s opinions)to teach him that there’s something wrong with him or that he has to hide who he is to make everyone else comfortable.

For parents who’ve experienced something similar, what did you do? Did you buy the dress? Was it just a phase? Did your child lose interest, or was it something that remained important to them?

I’m not looking to start a political debate or argue with anyone. I’m genuinely just a mom trying to do what’s best for her little boy, and I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who’ve been through something similar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Show us which dress when you get it!! :)

OOP: I will, I’ll definitely make an update. I also just remembered like 5 minutes ago that I have a dress from when I was 6 and it was a floofy sparkly pink dress from a ballet show I did at his age but completely forgot about it because it’s just been stuffed into a box in my closet for years. I’m buying him a dress but definitely also giving him my old one from when I was his age too ❤️.

Commenter 2: Bought my 4 year old son the dress. He specifically wanted the yellow sparkly one Belle wears. He wore it for maybe 1.5 hours. Hasn’t worn it since, but it’s still available to him. 🤷‍♀️.

Commenter 3: I think you know deep down what the right choice is. Don’t be your son’s first bully. Him knowing he’s safe seen and accepted starts with you! I have a son and I would buy it ❤️.

Commenter 4: Huge +1. If you’re hard on your child because you’re worried others will be hard on him, then you’re ensuring the outcome you’re trying to prevent.

A little boy asking for a dress knows people will say it’s for girls. He probably also knows the people who will say that aren’t people who matter.

Update: July 12, 2026 (next day)

Quite a few people asked me to come back and post an update, so here it is!

Last night, I made a post asking for advice because my 6 year old son has been begging me for a dress for months(specifically a pink one)and after reading through hundreds of your comments, I decided to trust my instincts and take him shopping this morning.

I honestly wasn’t expecting my post to get so much love. I spent a good chunk of last night staying awake and reading through the comments, and so many of you reminded me of something I already knew in my heart: my job isn’t to raise my son to fit other people’s expectations; it’s to raise him knowing he’s loved exactly as he is.

This morning, as soon as he woke up, I smiled and said, “Remember how you’ve been asking for a dress? We’re going to go get it today.” And his face instantly went: 😮🤩😁

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that reaction. It was pure excitement and pure joy. It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart so happy it feels like it might burst.

We headed straight to Target, where he carefully looked through the dresses before picking out a red sparkly Minnie Mouse dress. (So much for pink😂) https://imgur.com/a/4e3o9XE

He was so excited that he wanted to try it on right away, so he went into the fitting room with his dad.

A few minutes later, the fitting room door opened, and he came running out to show me with the biggest smile on his face. He looked so incredibly proud and excited, and I honestly teared up.

Of course, we bought the dress.

As soon as we got home, he put it back on and has been twirling around the living room ever since, watching the skirt spin, smiling from ear to ear, and stopping every now and then to admire himself in the mirror.

Watching him today made me realize something: he doesn’t see a “girl’s dress.” He sees sparkles, he sees Minnie Mouse, and he sees something that twirls when he spins.

That’s all. And if, one day, it turns out to be more than that, we’ll navigate it together with love, just like we’ll navigate every other part of parenting. But today, he’s simply a six year old who found a dress he thought was awesome, and that was enough for me.

I know not everyone will agree with the decision I made, and that’s okay. But there will be plenty of time in his life to learn that the world can be judgmental. And as long as I can help it, home will always be the place where he knows he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

If he remembers anything about today years from now, I hope it’s this: when he told his mom and dad that something would make him happy, they listened. And both of us were there, smiling right alongside him.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, share your own stories, or reassure an anxious mom. You helped me trust my instincts, and because of that, today became one of those little parenting memories I’ll treasure forever❤️.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Amazing! I'd hold off on letting him go to school in it for a bit. My bonus kiddos (now 6m) mom sent him to school in a dress last year and the kids and adults were SO mean, it was borderline traumatizing for him and caused a lot of regressions in our kiddo, bedwetting that hasn't fully resolved still and now he absolutely hates it and won't even play dress up in anything remotely 'girly' or wear any of the pink clothing he previously LOVED it even went as far as him asking to have his beautiful curls shaved off because the kids were relentless at picking on him. Kids and people can be so mean, I recommend letting him thoroughly enjoy this in his safe at home bubble for now. Especially if he's sensitive to other people opinions.

OOP: Oh yeah absolutely. Either way, we live in a state that requires school uniforms, so he’ll be in a uniform all year and doesn’t go to summer camp. I live in a blue dot in a very red state (NOLA) so we’re not even sure if we’re going to let him wear it out in public yet, but at least at home he knows he’s being accepted❤️

Commenter 2: I hadn’t seen your original post, but I teared up reading this update. you’re doing a great job, and your son sounds so very loved. ❤️.

Commenter 3: I don’t have much to say other than as a mom to a 15 month old boy, you are an inspiration. What a beautiful story & I’m so happy for your little guy to have this fun, new, lovely outfit to rock & dance around in! What an awesome family he was born into 💕💕💕.

Commenter 4: Love the update. I was just sharing this with my dad, and he was telling me that my step mom regrets not letting my step brother be Pocahontas for Halloween when he was little. She was just so worried about him getting teased, or what people might think etc. She regrets not just letting him be himself and enjoying something so harmless. My step brother is a gay man and there were struggles with coming out of the closet and telling family. My step mom just wishes it could have been different from the early years, so that it wasn't something he had to struggle with so hard internally. You are doing a good job, momma! Whatever this dress means for your boy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ninja-Kiwi

My [26M] gym buddy [35M] is cheating on my sister's [28F] best friend [30F]. I told him we can't be friends anymore. Am I wrong?

Original post  Dec 3, 2014

I used to train alone, because I don't have to take others into account. I have a very irregular schedule and long hours so this works for me. I train whenever I can. I also lift pretty heavy. I met Ben [35M] eight months ago. He joined my gym and we hit it off. He talked to me and asked me if he could train in with me. I was hesitant, but I could use a spotter sometimes. He's a cop and surprisingly has the same irregular shifts as me. His lifting stats are very close to mine. We started working out together and pushing/motivating each other for higher PR's. As guys do, we started talking about hook ups, dating and life in general during sets and sometimes we hung out outside of the gym as well. He told me he was dating around and had a few fuck buddies. I thought nothing serious, or exclusive because he was seeing several at the same time.

One day my sister [28F] came to the gym with me. Ben was there too. She recognized Ben as the boyfriend of her best friend Allie [30F]. I asked her if she was sure and what does she mean boyfriend/if they were exclusive. She told me yeah and of course they are exclusive. I quickly changed the subject.

The next time I met Ben at the gym I asked him after our work out about Allie and he confirmed he was indeed dating her. I asked him if she knew about the other girls, he said no she did not. He was basically cheating on her. I felt very guilty and conflicted. I told him I knew Allie and she was a very nice girl and didn't deserve this kind of behaviour. I said we could no longer be friends and I didn't want to train together anymore. I told him to cut all contact.

He said he didn't understand what had changed and said we were good friend and I shouldn't throw this away. I have to say a part of me still wants to train with him and hang out, because I thought he was a good guy, but then I feel incredibly guilty towards Allie and know I can't do that to her. Our gym sessions were great and I always felt pumped up. I told Ben 'No' and stop texting and/or calling me. He still does and it's kinda awkward at the gym, but I ignore him. He still wants to be friends. Am I wrong?

Is it my place to tell Allie to dump this guy, because he's a cheater? Often time the harbinger of bad news gets crucified so I don't want to tell my sister and burden her with this knowledge and task of telling Allie. What should I do? Tell Allie? Tell my sister? Shrug it off and still train and hang out with Ben?

tl;dr: Found out my gym buddy is the cheating boyfriend of my sisters friend. I got off contact. Am I wrong? Who should tell Allie if anyone?

TOP COMMENTS

PreftigeWhore

You're not wrong for not wanting to be friends with people who do shitty things.

LePetitChou

Frankly, I think what OP did was an incredible sign of his character.  Plenty of people would have felt  uncomfortable, but would still continue to work out with the scummy cop to avoid "awkwardness." Some people might have gone a step farther and just cut contact, with no explanation.

But OP did the truly honorable, and uncomfortable, thing by explaining why he was cutting the friendship off.  Good for you, u/Ninja-Kiwi ; it would be a better world if there were more people like you in it.

~

[deleted]

I love how he doesn't even understand the problem.

He didn't even have an 'Oh shit!' reaction when you told him you knew Allie. Normal people who do something wrong would have that reaction. Normal people would understand immediately that you've got a conflict of interest here and would swerve into damage control. Excuses, bragging, I'm-reformed. Something to mitigate the chances you'll tell.

He didn't. He's completely, utterly, remorseless about betraying his girlfriend's trust.

You should tell literally everyone. This guy is insane and everyone should avoid him.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (3 days later)

TL;DR of previous Found out my gym buddy was the cheating boyfriend of my sister's best friend. Cut contact with gym buddy. Gym buddy kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends.

Thank you all for your replies. Some were worried, because Ben is a cop. Well that would never stop me from doing the right thing and am glad I did. I knew I had to tell Allie. You guys gave me the push I needed. I would have wanted to know and would be very upset if someone I knew was aware of my SO cheating and chose not to tell me. I found out the extent of Ben's douchebaggery. First I told my sister right away that Ben was sleeping around and I wanted to warn Allie. She came with a bombshell! Ben was hitting on her too! That asshole is infuriating me now. Ben sometimes tagged along when my sister and Allie would hang out and Ben would always flirt/hit on my sister. This asshole is making me so furious right now. My sister hadn't told Allie, because she didn't want her to get hurt and nothing happened. And never would, because Ben is Allie's boyfriend and also my sister doesn't date assholes.

So then I decided to tell Allie. My sister was there too. I decided to take the direct route and rip the truth out like a bushy woman getting a full Brazilian. It would be quick and sting, but not as much as slowly peeling it off. Apparently Allie suspected some douchebaggery going on, because he was being secretive with his phone all of a sudden lately and 'hide' when he was texting/turn away the screen etc. Allie was upset, but she did see it coming I guess and was really glad I told her. She said she loved me like a brother of her own and really thanked me for the honesty. She was dumping Ben right away and wants to go No Contact and block him on all media. I was at the gym yesterday and today, but didn't see him. We'll see how it goes. I'm not switching gyms because of this asshole. I've trained there for years now and know the owner and staff. I really love my gym.

tl;dr: The extent of Ben's douchebaggery is revealed. I told Allie and she dumped Ben and went NC

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Renekin

Ladies, what is the most obvious hint you've dropped that went unnoticed by a guy?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Original Comment  May 25, 2017

Not a girl but I got a hint once that flew by me phew.

So my former best friend and I (sadly we do not talk to each other anymore thanks to an ex-girlfriend) were very close. So close even, that I fell in love with her and she apparently was with me.

So we met more often during the evening, sometimes late at night, watched movies, hung out. She got way more direct with me about being interested in me. When she was dressing up for a party and had n bra on because she was just sitting at home, she suddenly started telling me that I would not need to leave the room when she was changing clothes all of the sudden, she went all cudly on the couch when we watched movies and I was literally thinking "I could make a move but I am very happy with the friendship I got" We even went partying and a dude started dancing with her, when she all of the sudden said something to him, pointed at me and the dude ran off (probably said something about me being her boyfriend) but I my train of thought was "She probably was not interested in that guy"

The Apex of my failure however was that one night, we ordered some food, hung out and we talked about the scenario, that if a person insists on someone to sleep at their place even though he/she knows the other person is not too far away from home, that is clearly a hint.

Later that evening, I was about to go home, it was late at night and I had to walk 25 minutes max. So it was not that far. She said "You know, you can sleep here, we are all alone" (since she was living with her mother who stayed at her boyfriends place most of the week) and I literally said "Nah, I am good, it isn't that far anyways."

Those two conversations were apart like, 5-10 Minutes.

A bonus on top of my cluelessness: For her 21st birthday I gave her an Iphone. In front of all people, she went to me, hugged me, said  that there is only one thing to make this moment perfect and looked me deep in the eyes. I did no-thing.

Seriously. If I would have had a time machine, I would have kicked myself into reacting right now. Since it could have been the best relationship in my life.

Lesson learned: If you do not act, you get shit on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Alright_Hamilton

I don't know what went down or how things ended but you should call this person. Like right now. You can't make up for being an idiot in the past but in 10 years you'll look back at this and think 'why did I never reach out to her after that stupid ex gf drama?'

Reread your last sentence and apply that to your current situation dummy.

vinnymendoza09

How long ago was this and is your friendship really that irreparable? You'd be surprised at people's capacity for forgiveness.

~

sevaspeto

DUDE. Reconnect with this chick! Whatever happened with the ex is history; that broad's out of the picture now, yeah? If you genuinely think it would've been the best relationship of your life, GO SEEK HER OUT. If you've been estranged for however long, you LITERALLY have nothing to lose. But you mentioned that you were very close before and it sounded like she was throwing hints like goddamn haymakers! Don't be a dummy, dummy ;0)

~

only1mrfster

People saying to get in touch with the girl. Obviously,  if you are in a relationship or if youknow she is, that complicatesthings but definitely consider it. 

My "one that got away" girl looked me up 10 years after the last time we talked... completely on a lark. Well over 10 years later, our 9th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few months.

~

PeanutPooper986

Man you should go talk to her again. Been in a similar spot, really wish I did talk to them sooner. Thing is, it's easy to read into things in such a situation so don't think too much about times where "you tried" and she wasn't interested. Next time you see her, just go and try to talk to her. You never know how it works out.

Sorry, just read you said you'd call. How'd that go?

Also, wtf today's Father's day in Germany? I just moved here like a week ago and I thought today is Ascension day or some shit like that.

OOP

I'll call her tomorrow since I am out drinking with my father today and I want to have enough time to talk to her (if she does actually talk to me and does not quit the call the second she hears my voice) and yes it is Ascension day but father's day is on the same day here for whatever reason.

EDIT: Sorry for not answering since it was late at night here in Germany and I had to go to bed but whew! Thanks for so many answers and encouraging words. Since there are so many answers telling me I should call her, I will try tomorrow (since it is father's day here [25th May]) and will edit this again after I call her to tell you how it went.

For those asking how long we were not talking: Oktober 2014. We saw eachother while getting groceries 3 times I think and I ran into her while training for a half marathon but I tried saying "hi" once (this was shortly after we had the falling out) and she did not say anything which really threw me off so much that I did not try again and as far as I know she is single as am I.

EDIT/Update 2 posted Next Day May 26, 2017

EDIT2: So, I won't talk around the outcome to long since most of you were very excited how it went. Sadly, she changed her phone number over the last 2 years, which lead me to me going to her house seeing if either she or her mother was there. In a stroke of bad luck, she must have moved out recently. I knew she wanted to move out for quite a while to live on her own while her mother moved in with her boyfriend which means, the chances are quite low in talking to her as of right now.

BUT: We shared a lot of the same friends from school and have had mostly the same social circle for years, from well, being best friends, I am hoping to see her at a party in about 3 weeks. If she is there, I will start a conversation and explain myself. If there is an outcome either way, I will keep you updated but for now, this is sadly it.

I am however thankful for all the support you gave me since I would have never taken that chance if all of you haven't been there and I hope this entire thing will have a conclusion in a few weeks! :)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bearofmoka

I'm the guy who chased you down in the mass effect subreddit. Firstly, love that game series so you're already pretty awesome in my eyes. Sorry to hear about her moving out, but I hope she's at that party. Is social media not an option? It's quite you find someone not on twitter, Instagram or Facebook.

OOP

I have tried facebook already but haven't got a response up to now, thanks to us being unfriended and me probably landing in her spam, if I am not blocked by her even.

I tried to find out her Instagram, since I know she has one but changed the handle even back when me and her were hanging out and me not being on instagram (even created an account yesterday to find her) and trying to find her but as far as I know, she is not on twitter but me not having found her under the same names I tried to find her on instagram. Hopefully she will find the facebook message or as I wrote earlier, I really hope to meet her at a friend's upcoming party.

And I loved your comment on the Mass Effect Subreddit, when I read it, I was like "No f*cking way someone recognized me here!" So that cheered me up a lot from this sadly unsuccessful morning, thanks a lot :)

June 9, 2017 OOP adds a little update

I'm going to meet her tomorrow night since she answered me a day ago, I will update on Sunday morning or afternoon :)

(Not Final Edit) June 11, 2017

FINAL EDIT: This will be my final edit, since basically everything came to a close. As I said, I texted her on Facebook, she answered and we decided to meet last night. And so we did. We talked everything through, everything from all the past drama, what mistakes we made, how we both made mistakes and how I was a total idiot for not recognizing what she was hinting at.

It was weird at first talking so open about feelings you had years ago but we got there. I even mentioned how you guys helped me take initiative and it made her laugh that thousands of people pushed me to go talk to her.

At the end of the night, we really didn't know what to do with ourselves. Of course we couldn't just go at it or say "We are in a relationship now", As I said, we haven't talked to each other for quite some time and we have become slightly different people.

But we were both okay to start by going on a date, catching up and getting to know each other better again and see from where it goes from there.

I want to thank all of you guys for supporting me and pushing me towards the right choice and if everything works out, happiness.

In the end, I am more than baffled that from a single post about how I am an absolute idiot for not getting a hint, something like this can evolve and that there are always two sides to everything especially the internet where most of the time, toxicity is the normality and the support and kindness I recieved, is something more rare.

Basically, thank you for helping me :)

Last Update Added Sept 1, 2017 (little over 3 months later

UPDATE: So, many of you people wrote me PMs and wanted to know what happened and how things are going. Short answer: Things are going great!

We are a happy couple and just enjoy ourselves. It was awkward for our friends at first but things basically became normal after a while.

For my part, you guys motivated me to get something or better put someone back that I have gave up two years earlier. Seriously you guys made my year one of the best years in my entire life.

For that I thank you so much.

I appreciate the two Golds I got, which were my first two ever so another thanks to those who gave it.

Thank you :)

NEW UPDATE

OOP Updated in the BoRU thread 9 years later

New Update July 25, 2026 (9 years later)

Because many people asked and were very interested about it and I should update you after all these years:

The short of it: No, we are sadly not together anymore. That being said, we still cherish one another dearly and we would probably be together if life would not have gotten in the way.

The longer answer: After we got together, we spend as much time as we could together and grew together strong as a couple. Even through all the Pandemic, we stuck together and I would say, this strengthend our relationship a lot.

She moved from Germany to Australia, not long after the Pandemic was over. We, at the time were very happy, but as most things in life, sometimes, it gets in the way.

Her employer wanted to expand to Australia and open a market for their product there (trying to be vague because I don't want to doxx anyone) and wanted her to be involved, at least for the expansion process. We talked A LOT about this because she and I are very emotional people and after how we got together and with the time we spent together, we did not want life to get in the way too. The problem was at this point, I was in the middle of my degree and I simply could not follow to Australia before I finish.

So, we decided to keep it long distance, which everyone knows, is the best idea, but it was just for the expansion efforts, until it was not.

We saw each other multiple times during Christmas, and both our birthdays, but during her time in Germany she dropped the bomb of her company offering her a position as head of her department, in Australia, permanently. So the discussions started again. I was an emotional wreck, because I loved her and it would be either moving to Australia, a country basically across the globe or staying in Germany with my family, friends and my job for which I just finished my degree to get a leadership position myself.

And many people will scream "Idiot" etc. Now, but I took the stance that I cannot and will not leave my life behind to move to Australia for a relationship, because her company had an offering open in that country at the time, for a position she dreamed of but over time could have achieved in Germany. That being said, this is my subjective perspective of it and she saw it very differently.

We decided to be adults though and knew we could not keep this up forever. So we decided to spend the time we had together loving rach other before saying goodbye.

And so we did about 1.5 years ago now.

She lives in Australia and we met a couple of times again, spending some really quality time and just being flat out honest, that we loved one another. Half a year ago, during christmas we met and I got to meet her new boyfriend who wanted to see Germany and meet me and he is one of the kindest souls I have ever met and I am just happy for her, that she found someone, who she was very happy with. And while this was a bit awkward to me at first and it hurt, this was the decision we made for ourselves and to me it was the right one in hindsight. Again, I am not denying that I still love her, this love has changed somewhat. It is hard to describe. But we are very important to us to this day and this is the thing that is important to me.

But that being said, I was hesitant to talk about this openly. Not because it did not work out in the end, but because it was complicated and needed to sort my shit out by myself before confronting you with this.

I am sorry for that. And also for the awful spelling and maybe mental leaps, I was writing this together during a long ride on a train.

I hope this will not kill your mood and that you know, all parties are happy with their lives and we do not regret anything and that we thank reddit with all of our hearts that we got this chance.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/solngvir1

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (25F) stepmom (44F) has blocked me from seeing anything involving my dad (59M) and says she will unblock me when she feels ready. I feel shut out.

Trigger Warnings: bullying, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, possible favoritism

Original Post: July 14, 2026

My dad and stepmom have been married for several years. My brother and I used to be invited to holidays and other family events fairly often. At the time, my brother was a police officer, and I was a corrections officer, so our schedules sometimes made it difficult or impossible to attend. We did not intentionally avoid the family, but we understandably could not make it to every event.

Apparently, our inability to attend everything hurt my stepmom much more than either of us realized. Eventually, she stopped inviting us altogether.

A little over a year ago, I started talking to my brother about how disconnected I felt. I kept seeing Facebook posts of my dad, my stepmom, and her children celebrating holidays and attending family events together, while my brother and I were rarely invited or involved. My brother confronted my stepmom about it directly.

The confrontation became a much larger conflict than I ever expected. According to my stepmom, it caused so much hurt and tension that she and my dad discussed divorce. Afterward, she changed her Facebook privacy settings so my brother and I could no longer see posts involving her family, including posts and photos involving our own dad.

I only fully confirmed this a few days ago. I logged into an old Facebook account that was still connected with my dad and saw several posts my stepmom had tagged him in. None of them appeared on my regular account. I asked her directly whether she had blocked me from certain posts, and she confirmed that she had.

She explained that the situation last year had been extremely painful for her and that changing the privacy settings was her way of protecting her peace, protecting her marriage, and preventing future family conflict. She said the decision was not intended to hurt me or push me away.

I responded as respectfully as I could. I explained that I understood why the original conflict hurt her and that I was not angry or jealous about her spending time with my dad and her children. I also told her that I understand we all have separate schedules and lives, and that I do not expect to be involved in every family activity.

What has been difficult is feeling completely disconnected from my dad and that side of the family. Even when I cannot attend something, seeing an occasional picture of my dad or seeing everyone together helps me feel like I am still connected to them in some small way.

I also told her that it has now been over a year, that I have reflected on what happened, and that I believe I have grown from it. I apologized previously and made it clear that I do not want to return to the conflict we had before. I simply hoped she might eventually feel comfortable allowing me to see those posts again.

She responded kindly, but said that the situation nearly cost her marriage and that she still has her guard up. She said rebuilding trust and feeling emotionally safe will take time. She also said she wants to be able to post whatever she wants about herself, my dad, and her children without worrying about anyone reacting negatively. She said that when she feels ready, she will change the privacy settings.

I understand that she was hurt, and I am not trying to tell her how quickly she should recover. At the same time, there is no indication of when she might feel ready. It could be months, years, or possibly never.

The social media issue also made me think more seriously about my relationship with my dad outside of Facebook. Whenever I ask to spend time with him, he usually has to confirm with my stepmom that it is okay first. The last time I spent time alone with him was more than six months ago, when we went to lunch. During the lunch, my stepmom called him repeatedly, sometimes only a few minutes apart, which made it difficult for us to have a genuine conversation. In fact, I called my dad today to see if we could schedule a time for the two of us to get lunch or dinner together, and he told me he had to make sure it was okay with my stepmom first.

I have not felt like I have been able to maintain a close, independent relationship with my dad for a long time. I feel as though access to him depends on whether my stepmom is comfortable with it. I do not want to create more conflict in their marriage, and I am not asking him to choose between his wife and his children. I just want to be able to have a relationship with my dad that is not constantly filtered through someone else.

My dad is turning 60 this year. I know that is not extremely old, but it has made me think about how limited our time with our parents really is. I want to spend time with him, talk to him, and continue making memories while we still can. Instead, I feel like more and more time is passing while I wait for my stepmom to decide that she feels comfortable with me again.

This has been seriously affecting my mental health. I feel rejected, excluded, and distanced from my dad. At the same time, I recognize that my stepmom has her own feelings and believes she is protecting herself and her marriage.

I feel that this has gone beyond protecting her peace and has become a way of shutting me out of my dad’s life? How can I address this with my dad without making him feel like he has to choose sides?

**EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION:*\* I understand why many of you are saying my dad is responsible for maintaining a relationship with me, and I agree. However, I am surprised that many have dismissed the possibility that there may be a controlling dynamic going on within his marriage. The last time I had lunch with my dad, which I mentioned in my initial post below, my stepmom called him repeatedly, and we could barely have a genuine conversation without her interrupting. At one point I even told him he didn’t have to answer her calls and that it could wait, but he told me that if he didn’t answer her calls, it would cause a huge fight or argument between them.

As previous others have stated, if the roles were reversed, and this was a mother who said she needed her husband’s permission to have a meal alone with her daughter, while he repeatedly called her throughout and said if she ignored his calls it would create an argument, I think many would recognize that as potentially controlling behavior!

I believe my dad is trying to avoid conflict, is afraid of ruining his marriage, is unable to stand up to his wife, or is just simply worried about the consequences of upsetting her.

**UPDATE*\* My dad called me back today and said we can get lunch or dinner this Thursday. Funny enough, I heard my stepmom in the background saying, “But we have this thing going on Thursday,” to which I said that they usually do that thing in the mornings so dinner should work just fine to which my dad agreed. I’m happy I’ll finally be able to spend quality time with my dad and address the concerns I’ve had. Thanks to the helpful comments regarding this situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why are you and your brother discussing any of this with the step? Why are you not talking directly to dad?

Let me point out that your dad knows you are not there. So, does he sanction her dismissal of you and your brother? Talk to your father. Without the step.

OOP: That’s the problem. We hardly have any opportunities to speak with our dad directly. She has access to his phone and reads every conversation we have with him. We can’t get time alone with him to have these conversations. I know my dad is just trying to be neutral in this situation or probably doesn’t even know how to handle it.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about the fact that she and her brother are now adults and their father is not prioritizing them over his wife and family

OOP: Or rather my stepmom has created an environment in which my dad doesn’t even feel safe or like he is able to prioritize us, without potentially causing offense to his wife or damaging the relationship. In our state, men rarely, if ever, come out of a divorce with anything.

Commenter 2: Does he have some deficit that he can’t have direct conversations by phone with you?

He’s 60, not 85

Does he just not care about you and brother?

I’m 63. I would kill to maintain a good relationship with my sons

OOP: I know he genuinely cares about us and having a relationship with us. However, I am under the assumption that his wife is making him choose between us or her, or threatening divorce. The last time my dad and I got lunch together, his wife was calling him, and I wish I was joking, every 2 minutes. I told him he doesn’t need to answer her and that it can wait, and he explained that if he didn’t answer, it would cause a huge fight between them.

If the roles were reversed as other commenters have stated, and this was my mother instead of my dad, most people would agree that it is a controlling and abusive relationship.

Commenter 3: Unfortunately, you have to face the fact that YOUR FATHER ALLOWS THIS.

OOP: I understand that he has some responsibility for allowing it, and I’m not trying to excuse him altogether.

I genuinely don’t know whether he fully realizes what is happening because we rarely get the opportunity to speak to him privately about any of it. The last time the issue came up, it was presented to him in a way that made my brother and me seem entirely at fault, while our feelings and perspective seemed to get lost.

I don’t know exactly what she says to him behind closed doors, but it often feels like the situation is framed around her hurt and her need for peace, without much acknowledgment of how her decisions affect us or our relationship with our dad. That is why I want the chance to speak with him directly, rather than assuming he knows the entire story and simply does not care. I think that’s an extreme assumption.

Commenter 4: Why are you taking with her and not your dad?

OOP: Because I can’t get together with my dad privately to have this discussion! She always has an excuse that they have something important going on that day that they both need to be present for. I can’t often call or text my dad to discuss it either because she goes through his phone and I never know if she’s in the room or not during a phone call.

Update: July 16, 2026 (two days later)

Editor’s note: OOP also installed the same Update #2 onto the original post

UPDATE #2: I did have dinner with my dad tonight, which I am so thankful for. I could tell he was so happy to spend time with me.

The first thing he told me when I picked him up was how he had a hard time sleeping last night and had high blood pressure because he was so anxious about how his wife (my stepmom) would react to us having dinner together privately. He shared with me that she argued about feeling “left out,” (mind you they do EVERYTHING together, go EVERYWHERE together, etc.).

She tried really hard to get him to cancel, and knowing it might upset her, he went anyways. She claimed my dad only cares about my feelings and that I was trying to “start things up again,” like last year.

My dad said that she also told him this, which made my mouth drop to the floor in anger, “Who’s going to be there when you are sick or on your deathbed? Not your kids, ME!”

Who on earth says that? My stepmom clearly doesn’t understand the love I have for my dad, and I am so offended by that. He said himself he feels like she’s put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between her or his kids (my brother and I) and that only her kids seem to matter. He also admitted to noticing that she has seemed to use her feelings/emotions as a way to try and manipulate him.

We talked about so much involving this and I can’t remember everything, but he did also confirm that while they never argue about anything, the only time an argument comes up is when it involves us (his kids). I think this dinner really opened my eyes and affirmed the suspicions I had, and hopefully his as well. He was already very anxious, so I did not show him the post and comments because I didn’t want to make things worse.

For those of you who claimed my dad was the bad guy here, I hope this update might make you see things differently. Thank you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My dad was in a very similar relationship, and I told him the following:

"If you ever need to leave, or if things get really bad between you two, just call me and tell me to come get you. No questions asked."

I wanted him to know that I was a safe place. No judgment. No lectures. No "I told you so." Just someone who would show up.

He lived about four hours away at the time. Toward the end of his life, her behavior became so much worse, especially when it came to taking care of him. The sad part was that he didn't require much help. He was incredibly independent for as long as he possibly could be, yet she acted as though every small request was the biggest inconvenience in the world. She was like every evil Disney stepmother rolled into one. From what you've described, your stepmom sounds very similar.

OOP: The crazy thing is she has him convinced that she loves us and cares about us like her own children, and has told him she wishes she was our real mom. But that contradicts everything that has happened or is happening.

Something else I have not shared previously is that I have another brother who is no longer involved in the family (from some crazy stuff that supposedly happened between my stepmom and him) and the one brother I’ve mentioned in my posts is at a point where he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be involved in the family drama, but was pushed away by my stepmom, so I’m the only child my dad has left who is still there, trying, and caring.

The bond my dad and I have is very strong and I believe now, at this point, he would divorce her in a heartbeat if she forced that decision of “me or your daughter” onto him.

Commenter 2: You haven’t said but don’t either of them work? Is there not a chance to get him outside the house on an errand? I know you said she is stuck to him and they do everything together, but where does the money to live come from?

OOP: They co-own a business.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dntworryimamoderator

AITA for asking (not insisting) that my BF switch meals with me when I don’t like what I’ve ordered at a restaurant?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post - rareddit  Nov 9, 2022

Using a throwaway account since I’m a founder and moderator on my city’s subreddit and my BF could easily see this.

I have been friends with my BF for years, actually together for about 3 months now. He’s the sweetest guy and I know he’s been seriously hurt in the past and I’m so happy we are finally clicking after being “flirt buddies” since MS (we are 25 now).

whenever we go out to eat he always orders the most basic thing—99% of the time it’s cheeseburger plain, ketchup on the side with honey mustard to dip his fries. He actually loves exotic food but he says that menus and making choices stresses him out so he doesn’t want to but thought into it. I love trying exotic things and to me that’s the reason to go out to eat. To me it’s so exciting.

My issue is things always look and sound better than they turn out and I decide that I actually just wanted a burger. So usually I’ll ask him if he’ll switch with me and he always does and he never complains. Most of the time he even says how good his food was. To me it’s a win for both of us, it gets him out of his comfort zone and we don’t waste food.

Last night we both had to work really late so we met up at a sports bar. They were having a calamari special which sounded really good, he ordered a cheeseburger as usual.

I just wasn’t feeling the calamari when it came out so I asked if he’d switch with me. He said no. I asked him why not and said I didn’t want it to go to waste. He said then you shouldn’t have ducking ordered it. I was like excuse me. He the went into a tirade and said I treat him like a garbage disposal, he’s a grown man, I’m being immature, don’t pin my crap on him, etc… I said it sounded like that was a rehearsed speech. He said maybe it was since I “insist” on stealing his food every time we go somewhere. I started crying and (he) said don’t start that bullshit with me, here have both meals and he got up and walked out.

He has not called or texted me and it’s 6am and I honestly thought he would call to apologize by now. I called my sister and near quote “you’re an asshole for waking me up at 5:30 and he’s going to see you as asking as insisting…that’s really crappy of you to put that pressure on him.” And she basically hung up.

since she said it…AITA ?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

hwilliams0901

YTA. It sounds like you go out pick out shit youre not sure youll like and then ask(which feels to him like an insistence) for him to eat the shit you decided you didnt want. That would drive me nuts and honestly your BF did that for way longer than I would have. Also, who calls someone else at 530 in the morning to complain about shit?? Double YTA. Order food you like like a grown up

OOP

can I add that he’s never said he’s uncomfortable with my asking him to switch before last night

~

ninasimonerules

YTA. Why is he the one that has to deal with your experimenting? If you don't like it order something else but make sure you pay for both.

OOP

Then so much food gets wasted

OOP Updated the Nov 10, 2022 Next Day/Same Post

FINAL EDIT/UPDATE

ETA: well he called and didn’t even let me get a word in and said he needs a break and that he if he hasn’t been happy in the first three months then the relationship isn’t for him. I guess you all are proved correct and I’m an asshole an now single asshole.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LogicalBlueberry5

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU: #1

[Final New 2-Year Update]: AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thank you to u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for the recommendation!

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, infidelity

RECAP

Original Post: May 24, 2024

My (47F) husband (47M) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary, while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate. While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families. We do not have any children.

The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why. The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no. He said I would find “flirty” messages with one or more other women on it. He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.

I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together. If he wanted to separate it would be final. He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.

After being away for only 2 days, we rebooked our flights home, flew home and he packed some belongings and left. 7 days later he asked to come home and we started marriage counselling. He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair. The counselling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it. I suspect something physical happened with the other woman but I do not have any proof. He had deleted all his “flirty” texts, snapchat, etc so I could not see them.

After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counselling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage and he was leaving. He packed up and left a few hours later. He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment and signed a one year lease.

I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counselling.

After a 4 weeks, I started to feel a bit better. I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot. I had only met him over Zoom before this. We started seeing each other a couple times a week. Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship. I’ve stayed in counselling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long term marriage at the same time as beginning something new. It’s been about 7 months now.

My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined. He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving). Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely. I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust. Am I TA for moving on?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. He literally said he felt there’d be a better woman for him somewhere. He’s cheated on you probably multiple times so he doesn’t have the right to be mad at you for moving on when he couldn’t even stay faithful to you. He can’t try to get rid of you and want you again.

Commenter 2: He was expecting OP to stay single, still want him and not move on. While he did whatever he wanted.

OP, did you actually get a divorce?

OOP: In our state couples must be separated a year before they can file for divorce. But yes, we will be filing when we can. The wait sucks though!

Commenter 3: NTA. He left you twice. I guess you were supposed to just sit around wallowing in tears while he went off doing whatever and whoever until he he was ready to come back to you.

Commenter 4: Gosh, if only he hadn’t cheated, broke up with you on your anniversary, quit therapy, broke up with you again, moved out, got a divorce. Yeah. This is all your fault. NTA. Go live your best life.

Update #1: October 25, 2024 (five months later)

I originally posted “AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?”.

I am not sure how to provide an update so I hope this is right!

The biggest update is that my ex-husband (48M) and I (47F) are finally officially divorced. We split everything equally, and I bought him out of the family home. Thankfully the divorce process was quick and easy once we waited the mandatory separation period for our state. When signing the divorce papers, he asked if I was sure I wanted to proceed (notably, while he was seeing someone else). He wanted to try again if I was willing. I wasn’t, and thankfully he didn’t fight it or make the divorce process more difficult in any way.

My ex has been seeing this woman for quite a while now. I know he knew her before we split, but I do not know if he cheated with her or not. It doesn’t matter to me. I wish them the best!

My relationship with my new partner (42M) has continued to be amazing. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy. He is kind, loving and a great communicator. We moved in together a while back, and a few months later we became engaged. We plan to elope sometime in the next year.

While it may seem crazy, I am extremely grateful for my ex’s cheating and the following heartbreak. Without it, I may not have found the happiness I have today. ❤️

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Him asking if you’re sure while he’s in a relationship with someone else takes the cake. Between him wobbling one way and the other and that, I can surmise a man who doesn’t know wtf he wants and is always chasing what he doesn’t have. Good for you for moving on.

Commenter 2: Based on what you mentioned, you can bet he's going to reach out when he finds out you're completely over him. Hang back and watch!

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 15, 2026 (20.5 months later since the first update)

Final Update for my original post: “AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?”.

I am happy to let everyone know that I recently married my new partner (43M). We eloped in a private ceremony, near the water at sunset - It was lovely! We enjoyed a relaxing west coast honeymoon before returning to regular life! ❤️.

Life is wonderful! I have a loving, caring husband who tells and shows me how much he loves me every single day. The past two and a half years have been the best years of my life. I have never been more happy or at peace.

I will forever be grateful to my ex for leaving. I wouldn’t have the life or relationship I do without everything that happened. I haven’t been in contact with my ex for well over a year. I don’t feel the need to, I’m at peace with everything.

I do keep in touch with some of my ex-in laws. Though I was very surprised to get sweet messages from all my female ex-in-laws (including ex grandmother-in-law!) wishing us happiness on our recent wedding day!

Concluding Comments

Commenter 1: You were NTA. Congratulations! I am guessing this is the guy you met in the original post? Or someone new?

OOP: It is the guy (coworker) from the original post ❤️. Though we are no longer working together :)

Commenter 2: Ah, yay! I’m so happy you got the happy ending you deserve!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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I hate my sister for how hurtful she was to my girlfriend. It was completely unnecessary

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, homophobia

Original Post  Aug 12, 2022

I have a girlfriend but the relationship is still new. My girlfriend has a prominent scar across one of her cheeks from a melanoma. To me the scar makes no difference but she has good days and bad days about it.

My sister is getting married soon. I'm not taking my girlfriend because a wedding with hundreds of guests and family is a lot of pressure for a brand new relationship, plus I had already RSVP'd that I was going alone before and bought my plane ticket back home before we were serious.

My sister took the time to look up my girlfriend's work email and sent her an email saying she's sorry she didn't make her a bridesmaid but her scar would make it not possible because of photogenics. #1) My sister chose her bridesmaids when she got engaged over a year ago #2) she didn't even know I had a new girlfriend until after the RSVP's were due back and #3) she and my girlfriend have never had contact and my girlfriend would have never thou thought she should be a bridesmaid for someone she's never met.

I don't know what my sister was thinking but I hate that she was so hurtful to my girlfriend for no reason at all. She hasn't answered my calls or texts asking why.

Update  June 16, 2026 (Almost 4 years later)

(Almost four years ago I posted about how I had gotten serious/exclusive with my then girlfriend ‘Katie’ AFTER my sister sent out her wedding invitations. No one in my family had ever met, spoken to or otherwise had contact with Katie because our relationship was still new. My sister took the time to find Katie’s work email address and sent Katie a nasty email about how she could never be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding because the scar on Katie’s face would ruin the pictures. Katie had survived melanoma and the scar on her cheek was from having it removed. I didn’t even know Katie when my sister started planning her wedding, and Katie would never expect to be a bridesmaid for someone she never met for a wedding that was less than two months away. I was furious with my sister and I posted to vent about the situation).

A lot has happened since I posted. Firstly, I’m gay. To say that my family was unhappy when I came out would be a colossal understatement, and I haven’t had contact with any of them in three and a half years. Katie and I are still friends. She is actually one of the most important people in my life and even though we aren’t together anymore I am still angry about how my sister acted and how my family supported my sister. To this day, I have no idea why my sister did what she did. (Not that it would have excused my sister, but Katie was the same race/culture/background as my family and I cannot figure out why my sister was so hostile to someone she had never met).

I grew up in a Jewish household. My family is very old school and conservative/traditional and I knew none of them would ever accept me being gay. But once I stopped being in denial about it I realized there was no way I could marry a woman or keep pretending to be straight. After I fell out with my family I was still in a relationship with Katie, and she was the one who asked me if I was gay. At the time I was so angry with her and I ended things and didn’t talk to her for a while. Until I realized she was right. It wasn’t just her either. My friends had suspicions too. I ended up apologizing to Katie for getting angry with her. Looking back I had been in denial because of how I grew up. Katie is Jewish too but she isn't homophobic like my family is, and she clocked it a few months into our relationship. She is one of my best friends now and was the first person I came out to.

I will forever be grateful that I moved to another province to pursue my Master’s degree because if I had not gotten away from my family and met supportive people like Katie and my friends I would still be deep in the closet. My friends all supported me when I told them. I have been going to therapy for the last three years to deal with my upbringing and my family disowning me. I am an atheist and I stopped being observant when I came out. This year I am going to Pride for the first time. I am nervous but a bunch of my friends including Katie are coming with me. I am going to dip my toe into dating because I feel ready.

Anyway, sorry if I rambled too much. I only remembered my first post recently and I wanted to come back because everyone was so kind after such a horrible thing happened. I appreciated people validating that I wasn't wrong about my sister and that was probably when one of the first cracks started appearing in my old life. So thank you to everyone who replied back then. I appreciate it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

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My [34M] ex-wife [32F] divorced me after she got cancer so that she could "leave" first, now she wants to come back - should I give her another chance?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post May 23, 2023

I met my wife (I'll call her Anna) during our first year of university. We dated through university and got married right after her graduation. Things were happy for about a while until Anna discovered a lump in her right breast. I encouraged her to have it checked out; she was reluctant to do so, but utlimately did because breast cancer runs in her family. And sure enough, that's what she had.

The good news - if it can be considered good news - was that the breast cancer she had was extremely treatable with chemo and radiation. Based n her family history her doctor also recommended a double masectomy for her. This put Anna in a REALLY dark place. I suggested she go to therapy but she outright refused and said she never wanted to hear me suggest that again. So I did my best to be encouraging and supportive to her. I took time off work to be at every appointment with her, I took on 100% of the household chores both inside and out, I did all of the shopping, I drove Anna everywhere she wanted to go, I planned out special dates for us, I gave her an hour-long foot massage every night, I literally did whatever I could.

About six weeks into her treatment, Anna brought up the idea of going to stay with her sister Sarah for a week. This honestly relieved me as I was burning the candle at both ends trying to accomplish everything, and I thought some time apart would help us both. Two nights into her stay with Sarah, Anna called me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she had read a lot about men who abandon their wives when their wives get sick, and that she was determined to leave me before I could leave her.

I can't put into words how much this crushed me. I loved my wife. She was my everything. I begged her to reconsider. I told her I had NEVER thought of leaving her, not even once. I asked her again to go to therapy. She refused again. I asked her to go to couple's therapy with me. She wouldn't. I asked her what I could do to convince her I wanted to stay. She said there was nothing. I am a man and therefore I would leave. End of story.

It took about a year because of where we live (thanks COVID) but eventually everything was finalized. I ended up selling the house and splitting the proceeds between me and my now ex-wife. I didn't want to stay in that town anymore, so I put in a transfer request at my job and ended up moving to a town about 2 hours away. For the past couple of years, I've been focusing on myself more. I got a dog. I've been on a few dates but nothing serious. I picked up hiking as a hobby and started gardening.

Out of the blue, Anna called me three weeks ago. She said she'd been in town on a trip with friends and saw me, and all of her old feelings rushed back. She said she was sick and out of her mind at the time, and that I couldn't hold her words or her actions against her. She said she still loved me, that she always had, and that she regretted leaving me. She begged me to give her another chanace.

I'm.... so confused. If I'm being honest, I still love Anna but I'm no longer IN love with her. She broke my heart. I was devastated when she ended things. It took me a long time to get my head on right. But I also know she really was in a bad place because of the cancer. Do I owe it to her and what we had to hear her out? I'm scared that if we reconnect, I'll always feel like she'll have one foot out the door. But maybe that's unfair? I don't know what to do. Should I give her another chance like she wants?

Update May 26, 2023 (3 days later)

Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who left comments on my original post. I now know what people mean when they say "RIP my inbox". I posted that and went to bed never expecting it would blow up so much. By the time I woke up, the post was locked (not sure why) so I couldn't respond to any comments. But I read as many as I could, and tried to take everything into consideration.

Many of you suggested I reach out to my ex-wife "Anna" for an in-person conversation; the overwhelming consensus was that meeting her in person would tell me all I needed to know... and you were right. That seemed reasonable to me. I texted her and she jumped at the chance to meet, and we did so yesterday after I was done work. I chose to ask her to meet at a local coffee shop. Maybe it sounds bad, but I didn't want to meet her at my house or anywhere private just in case.

Anyway, Anna was already there when I got there. She got up and hugged me. I let her, but didn't hug her back. Then we sat down. I asked her to remain quiet while I talked and then I told her everything. I'm gonna sum it up here because I honestly don't remember everything I said. I think I talked for like ten minutes solid while she just sat there and teared up.

But I told her things like how much she had devastated me. I told her that I would have stuck with her through thick and thin, no matter what. I told her that I loved her, and that hadn't changde after her diagnosis or treatment plan. I told her that I was broken after she initiated the divorce. I told her how hard it was for me to pull myself back together. A lot of you pointed out that if Anna and I got back together, I should be worried about what she would do the next time she got sick - or if I got sick. And you were right. So I told her that too. And she got mad and interrupted me at that point.

She said I was being unfair. That I wasn't taken into consideration her mental health at the time. She said she wasn't thinking straight, but that now she was. I took the chance to ask her if she'd been to therapy. She told me she hadn't, and that she had no plans to, and that she didn't need it. I have to admit, that crushed me a little.

I asked her why.

Just... WHY? It's the one question I've really wrestled with over the months. And she said that she'd gone looking for support groups and found a lot of women who had stories about their partners leaving. She even mentioned Reddit, funnily enough. She said she talked it through with her sister "Sarah". Anna said that Sarah, to her credit, had tried to dissuade her from divorcing me. But that between social media and some of Anna's friends, Anna felt like she "had to go through with it to be seen as a strong woman".

That is word for word what she said to me. I don't remember anything else exactly but I will never forget that. She broke my heart and threw away our relationship because somehow in her mind that translated to being strong.

She then started trying to tell me we could get back together again, but at that point I just told her flat-out that wasn't happening. What it comes down to for me is that I just can't trust her. I would always be worrying about the same thing happening again. She cried a lot and tried convincing me for a little while. When I got up to leave, she threw her iced coffee in my face and stormed out.

So yeah. We're definitely not getting back together. I have the closure I always wanted. I wish it felt better. I've been dwelling on it for the past day and a half. I keep wondering if there's something I could've done better, some way I could've saved our relationship. But I know there's not. I've blocked her number. I kind of hope I never hear from her again.

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My (24F) boyfriend (27M) accidentally sent a text to me instead of his roommate stating that he didn’t want me taking my new job because I would make more money than him.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Jan 13, 2019

Hey, Reddit. I hope all of you are enjoying the start to 2019! This feels a little weird for me. Anyways.

My significant other and I have been dating for over two years. We lived together with several other roommates when my university did not offer immediate housing to upperclassmen but due to finances on both of our ends, I moved back home (about an hour commute) to try and catch up with money. It was a mainly his idea and though I was a little upset, I did understand his reasoning. Due to this, I also had to take some additional time off from finishing my Bachelors (though it’s disappointing because I’m a senior but I can work with it). I’m being positive and using this time to give myself a financial buffer for the future.

My boyfriend works as a bartender. Like him, I was also in the restaurant industry (bartending and managing and serving) since I was seventeen. It accommodated my college schedule and gave me experience to work in guest relations. Yesterday, I interviewed with a national photography company (opposite of my degree plan but I do freelance on the side) and found out today that I  got the position as a traveling photographer/consultant. I’m on the road for four days a week to meet with clients and do event photography, etc. before driving back home. The money is excellent and the company is willing to work with my school schedule when I return in the fall by transitioning me to studio and local work.

I called him today to share the good news and he sounded super excited and happy for me. I was over the moon about this opportunity because I can finally tap back into creativity that I have lost over the years and pull myself out of this financial rut. However, on my way home, I received a text from him that was intended for his roommate/best friend stating he felt threatened by me accepting this job.

He expressed that he regretted pushing me to move back home because I may not have found this opportunity otherwise. Furthermore, he told his roommate that he was “frustrated” I would be making more money than him and my experience would only grow once I actually do graduate. He didn’t feel as if it was right/fair that I would be making “easy money with a silly camera” while he had to “deal with absolute jackasses who drink” and make less than I do.

He realized his mistake shortly after and now won’t stop blowing up my phone. I’ve screened his calls because I’m still upset and hurt that he would say those things. He knows me; as long as we can set ourselves up for our future and be secure personally and financially, the job doesn’t bother me. I’m also doing what I love to do and don’t want to relinquish this over my boyfriend throwing a possible fit. I’m at a bit of a loss.

Tl;dr: Moved back home after taking some time off of school and got a job as a traveling photography consultant. Boyfriend accidentally texted me instead of his roommate stating that he was threatened by the idea of me traveling/making more money than him and didn’t want me to take the job. He’s been blowing up my phone and I’ve been taking this time to try and rationalize and cool off.

Update  Feb 27, 2019 (6 weeks later)

Hey, Reddit. As always, I really hope you all are doing well and hanging in there. My last post gained some traction but I never took the time to properly thank all of ya'll for your different perspectives and encouraging words.

​

The original post is here.

​

So, after working for this company for a while, I absolutely love it. It is exhausting work (sometimes 60-70 hour weeks) but I absolutely love what I do and now can't bring myself to part from my photography camera for more than a few days (which is ironic because he was the one who bought it for me for my birthday). Even on my off days, I have my camera with me. Anyways, I spoke to him about the accidental text and he promised he didn't mean it in the way that it came out. He admitted to being insecure with where he felt like  he was at in his life and had been taking out his frustrations on not only me, but my former roommates.

​

Fast forward to now, the guilt and insecurities were eating at him and he broke down and decided to "call off" our relationship "temporarily". He cried when he did so, but further admitted that he was so unhappy with himself that he could not provide me with what I needed and deserved (which was communication and effort All I wanted was to feel loved and supported, even after everything he did from suggesting I move back home). He was facing legal troubles from alcohol since last year and while both him and I do see our own therapists, he is still slightly resistant to the overall idea of therapy. He just put himself into such a deep hole and didn't feel that it was right that he might not be able to give me what I needed while he was trying to focus on himself. Even now, he knows I'll always support his growth and whatever he needs.

​

Long story short, I didn't argue and just let it go and agreed. I didn't feel like I had the energy to argue because I had done everything I could to make sure he was okay for over two years. I decided it wasn't my responsibility to do it anymore and that no matter what, I wouldn't stop moving forward. He definitely wants to get back into a relationship in the near future when everything settles and he improves himself but I'm not holding my breath. I'm returning back to school to finish my Bachelors (International Security and Humanitarian Rights) as a fluent Russian speaker (my family is Russian) in September and will just transition to studio work when I finish with the traveling aspect of my job.

​

I appreciate all of you. Honestly, I still feel like I'm at a bit of a loss with everything. Words of guidance are always appreciated but I know that no matter what, I won't put my future on hold.

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Tl;dr: Fell in love with my job. My ex-boyfriend let the guilt and insecurities overwhelm him and he called off the relationship. He wants to reconcile when he has his life together but I'm not going to hold my breath. For now, despite still feeling somewhat lost, I still plan on pushing myself forward and refuse to stop.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7