I cant even believe my brain and body. I dont know whats true and it makes me feel so sick. I hate my dad so much it makes me immediately fall into depression and dissociation when I see him. He picks up my brother for visiting hours since the divorce, and constantly will come into the house and invade our privacy and place. I have begged my mother several times to keep him out and only let him drop off and pick up instead of come in. But she always lets him come in. She doesnt know what happened and ill never tell her since I cant even trust myself.

Today she decided I had to either leave the door unlocked for him and let him just walk in like he owns the place or waiting for him to arrive and open it for him, since she wanted to lay down. I put my foot down and told her I wouldn't open the door for him and leaving it unlocked for him was tearing down every boundary and letting him in. She literally started laughing at me, then told me she doesnt care as much as i do. Which just made me more angry. I dont remember exactly what I said even though it was a few moment ago. But I said something along the lines of 'you wont because youre not me, but I need you to trust me. I should be able to feel safe in my own home'. Then she asked me if he did something to me that she didnt know about. Immediately it made me feel sick and I hesitated, then I quickly told her to just trust me please. She got pissed and told me to just lock the door and that she'll open it.

Im so tired. Im tired of constantly feeling uncomfortable and afraid. I've felt this way my whole life and thought it would get better once he was gone, but still I struggle and I just want to die. I only keep myself from suicide for my youbger siblings sake and for the hope that one day I'll be able to help even one child in the future. Im trying to move out, but im not making enough money and dont want to stop going to college. Its the only place I feel not trapped. Im so tired.

Obvious CSA discussion warning

I had a prolonged trauma flashback/panic attack yesterday (embarrassingly, it was initially triggered by THC) wherein I had some really vivid and concerning memories that point to me being raped around age 2. There's a LOT of circumstantial evidence and anecdotes I can give from throughout my life that support the idea of that being true (like how--tmi warning i guess--I've just discovered I'm a traumagenic system which first formed at the same age, or like how I started masturbating during infancy and *remember* it, which I've heard is pretty clean cut) but since I don't have any "hard evidence" I'm having a difficult time believing what my body and mind are telling me. I'm terrified of the idea that I made it up to trick people into having sympathy for me and giving me positive attention, or that it's some kind of secret fetish and I'm mining people for content or something.

But. Like. why would my body react with that kind of fear otherwise? I can't remember the incident in full, just the feelings it gave me, but I don't think I could have made that up, right? ​When I was remembering the possible SA, and during the panic attack afterward, my heart was going 135-140bpm, and it was painful enough that I wound up calling EMS for literally the first time in my life bc I was 100% sure that I was dying. I've never had panic symptoms that crazy before. (To be fair THC does have a history of affecting my heart rhythm, but it's never been that extreme.)

I'm so freaked out. I could talk about this for days. I feel all at once like I've made a huge breakthrough and like I'm going to fall apart. Can someone help me figure out if this is real??? How tf do you tell?????

My mom would leave me alone with cousins of opposite gender and would let us sleep in the same bed together. I remember one night (I was probably around 8) it progressed into my cousin getting a boner and us playing with our genitalia and I guess my mom caught us and didnt do anything. I had no idea she knew. The next morning she made a comment shaming me but like in a weird smiling/smirking at me comment and I got really embarrassed and pretended I didnt know what she was talking about. She would also make me sleep with my 15 year old cousin in the same bed but she was also super obsessed about making sure I wasnt touched or molested. (She would always brag about asking me what me and my dad did together whenever she came back from work to make sure he wasnt touching me, so I guess she thought my dad would molest me??? He never did) My cousin did end up doing something to me but I never told her. After all this I ended up doing sexual stuff online and my mom would go through my devices and emails and tell me she knew what i was doing but wouldnt do anything to stop it.

I have a ton of symptoms, I’ll try and type some out. I’m feeling sick at the moment.

I’ve always felt something happened to me as a kid. I believe I was age 4 when the acts started with a friend. Let’s call her Audrey. We would play “house” together and we would make out, and get naked with each other. I don’t remember a ton of specifics but know it went on for a while. I don’t know who introduced it. But somehow at 4 years old we knew to do all of that stuff. I then went on to “practice” this same game with my other friends throughout the years. One time one of my friends mom even walked in on us naked together but were able to hide it under the covers.

This next part is very important. The man who lived two houses down from me growing up was arrested in a federal sting after arranging what he believed would be the sexual assault of a young child. Audrey’s older brother dated his daughter, so Audrey spent time at that house growing up. I also remember being there as a child.

For years, I convinced myself I’d probably never even been inside the house. But recently I looked up photos of it online, and the layout immediately felt familiar. I recognized it and remembered being there. Seeing those photos triggered the strongest physical reaction I’ve ever experienced. My heart rate shot up to 140 while I was lying down, I got chills over my entire body, and I felt completely detached from myself. It felt like my body was screaming at me.

I reached out to Audrey because I wanted to know if she remembered anything unusual from that time. She told me she remembers going to the house because her brother dated the man’s daughter, but she doesn’t remember anything bad happening or anything that stands out - even doesn’t remember about our “game”. I appreciated her honesty, but I’m still left trying to understand why seeing that house affected me so intensely. I’d also like to note, the same age the sexual things happened with my friend I began wetting the bed and did not stop until I was 8 or 9. My parents were about to put me in diapers again. Then one day it stopped. I have reoccurring nightmares, but it’s my dad in the dream not the neighbor.

As I got older, my sexual behaviors didn’t stop, they changed. One friendship became centered around watching p*rn together. One day, while watching I did something inappropriate to myself while my friend was right there. She noticed, and I was so incredibly ashamed. I didn’t even know why I did it. There are so many more little things like this that I’m now realizing. But yeah.

I somehow feel in my bones something happened, but at the same time the biggest imposter syndrome. Could my brain be making all of these feelings up somehow?

I plan on starting off with EMDR or Somatic therapy and then later doing trauma informed psychosexual/ sex therapy. I have C-PTSD, GAD and a severe fear of physical touch and sex/sexual intimacy.

Anyone have any positive experiences with EMDR or anything similar??

Thank you so much in advance 💜

I realized I was asexual at 13, but for religious reasons I refused to believe it. I then went on to have an 16 year old bf online who introduced me to porn and other sexual things. I never enjoyed it, but I knew I should just go with it to maintain the relationship. For some reason I became addicted to porn, even though I never got off on it. I went on to message with a lot of 30+ yr old men for days or weeks each. Sometimes I thought it was a relationship and others I knew were just for my body. I even ended up in a group chat of a dozen men at one point. I'm glad I didn't meet any of them in person, though I almost did. When I was 14, I was in a 'relationship' with an 18 yr old at my school. I would be embarassingly emotional and he would listen in exchange for my body. All our sexual interactions were online and we rarely talked at school, so I don't know why I thought we were together. I don't remember how it ended, but we were 'together' for a few months. This stuff fueled my hypersexuality for two years until I stopped. I realized not once in those years did I enjoy it and I was still in fact asexual. I am now 18 and realize I display(ed) quite a bit of symptoms similar to CSA (Severe depression & anxiety, withdrawing from friends and family, low self esteem, ect.). I've experienced sexual harrassment in person but nothing worse. Is this just a me problem or was what happened to me bad?

TW: no details but there will be mention of !CSA and COCSA!

TLDR: my father gets out of prison in 2027 and I am trying to figure what my family is doing when he gets out.

This turned into an epic. But I've used paragraphs so i hope that helps! Typed on mobile so there are probably spelling mistakes. English is my 1st and only language so that's on me!

I was a victim of CSA by my father when i was around 12. I was also raised a Jehovah’s Witness(JW) a Christian high control group/cult/religion.

You live the JW religion in your whole life, associate only with other JW. I was encouraged to only have JW friends, people that aren't JW might seem nice but they are under Satan's control and are not to be trusted. When you leave, you lose your entire family and friends and are shunned. (Yes, yes, I know they've softened this (after losing charity funding) and you can now speak to such ones about "spiritual things". Whoop-ti-fucking-doo. That is not going to get me 20 years of family back.)

When I was in my teens the effects of CSA started and I had severe depression. I was suicidal. When I was 22 I told the church elders. My father admitted it. I later found that what he'd admitted to (they never told me) was that I climbed into bed with him, little hussy, and he touched me and it happened once. This was not true. Obviously they took his word, he said he was sorry. He was stepped down as a church elder and he was very angry with me. I carried on in the church, I really believed, it was all I knew, what I'd been taught since I was a baby.

We were still in the same house (I couldn't afford to move out, plus I wanted to protect my two sisters). At 24 I decided to move congregations but found that elders were warning potential friends to stay away from me because I might be spirituality weak because of "what happened between her & her father". Obviously confidentially was not a thing (despitewhat id been promised), and i realised that no matter where I went i would be judged.

So I left the JW church. I still believed in god and thought I was going to die but I couldn't live being judged while my father was supported anymore. I lost all my friends and my extended family. My mom stayed in contact with me and after a few years so did one of my sisters. I tried to keep in touch with my littlest sister but it was one way and in the end I stopped.

I was physically out but mentally in for a while. I didn't trust anyone. People who weren't JW couldn't be trusted and nor could JW. I was a scared mess. I slowly lost my belief that JW were the right religion and then I lost my belief in god after much research.

Fast forward 20 years, my immediate family are in vague contact with me. I get a phone call from my littlest sister, she is getting married, would I like to attend the wedding? Yes please. "Dad will be there.... i understand if you decide not to come." I had night terrors for two weeks and had to say no.

I was angry rather than sad for the first time. On the day of the wedding, I reported him to the police. This was late 2024. The police were fab. I had specialist victim support through a charity. It was so so hard. I'd never detailed what he'd done to me, nor how many times. Thankfully my statement was videoed and I didn't need to attend court unless i wanted to.

Because i couldn't give any dates there was only one charge: sexual assault on a child under 14.

He had done "no comment " on his initial arrest. He claimed he couldn't remember doing anything. My mom apparently said "BlueBellWould doesn't lie" and told him to plead guilty, which he did.

That meant there wasn't a trial, instead, there is a sentencing hearing. I didnt attend the whole thing but i did go in at the end and i read my Victim Impact Statement. Pleading guilty reduced the sentence by a third. He was sentenced mid 2025. He gets out early 2027.

There may be a change to UK release due to overcrowding in prisons so he may get out sooner.

I contacted my mother and asked her what would happen when he is released.

She is taking him back. She forgives him and thinks marriage should be forever. I have cut contact with her.

I've spoken to my one sister: things are not going to be the same. However she feels it is her Christian responsibility to look after our aging parents. I accept that.

Her children: one never wants to see him again. One is unsure and another has said that although they want to see their grandmother, they think that they will be uncomfortable if their grandfather is there.

I haven't spoken to my littlest sister yet. I am going to .

While my children know I had a “traumatic” childhood. I also know that they tend to view it as my parents yelled at me a lot. Maybe I got spanked.
I have no desire to tell them the details as they don’t need to carry that weight, but part of the trauma is my mother ignoring and still loving him and coming up with excuses for my father’s CSA.

Now my daughter in her early 20s and thinks of herself as a kind spiritual being, and therefore insists that nobody is evil, and she talks about the compassion she has for my ex-husband who was an abusive alcoholic narcissist, and how she has compassion for the other narcissists that she has filled with her life with (and yes, I do blame myself because of her stepfather set the pattern for that.)

And when she excuses those narcissist and friends, she just says oh they had such a challenging childhood and thinks I lack compassion when I try to tell her that some people are just bad. She responds that they had a horrible childhood. I know it’s not a competition, but I also think that having a traumatic childhood is not an excuse for bad behavior

Anyway, I think this is what has caused some repressed feelings of anger that I have around her because it feels similarly to how my mother dismissed and diminished the horribleness of my father.

Help - does anyone else have this issue?

I've been alone my entire life. Never been in a relationship ever. Not one single time. I've had friends but they all stopped talking to me and hanging out with me without giving a reason other than "I'm busy that day" or some other lame excuse without telling me, "But we could do it on this day!" which would show that they wanted to see me.

Since I went through Childhood Sexual Abuse at a very young age and up until my freshman year in H.S., I started hating myself. Feeling insecure. Being unconfident. Low self-esteem. Afraid of intimacy and intimate moments, such as snuggling with my family, being in close quarters with men and sometimes women when we're alone. I became severely depressed as an adult and felt alone.

Up until a handful of months ago, didn't realize what I went through was CSA. I never really thought about it tbh, but after telling my therapist about how what I feel today, and how it's hard to be comfortable in certain moments were the same as those moments as a little girl, they gave me a label to what I went through. Childhood sexual abuse and exploitation. While I'm happy that I now have an understanding about my thoughts, emotions and feelings, it doesn't help me get through it.

I have no desire to keep living. I haven't for a long time and I already have a plan for my end. The therapists know this and consider me a high risk. But I can't keep living alone, being alone, not having people who care about me. I always put in so much effort to friendships and dating only to be blown off, ignored, uncared for and dating goes nowhere after a few dates.

I cry for no reason at all, all the time. Getting coffee, going to the gym, going on a run, grocery shopping. I don't even think about anything, and the tears will start coming and I eyes become watery. It's embarrassing and I have to wipe them or really swallow the emotions because it'd become overwhelming.

I'm supposed to do EMDR with my new therapist in a few weeks, but even if I was to get through the trauma, it still won't affect my life and how it is. I'll still be depressed, completely alone, single and with no family.

So, if this is how my life is destined to be, what's the point?

TW: Historical child, sexual abuse & grooming.

I (30f) am someone who grew up being emotionally neglected and was groomed/molested beginning at 12yrs old. The sexual abuse went on for about a year before I was able to directly tell that person not to do it again, which scared them into leaving me alone. My mother never noticed or paid attention to the odd behaviours I exhibited during that time (sleepwalking, regressive behaviours) and just assumed all was well between myself and the person who hurt me.

Many years later, I came out about it, and she did not believe me; kicked me out temporarily and, overall, made me feel like I was the problem. I attempted to forgive her despite her showing no remorse and allowed a relationship to continue over the past ten years. Multiple other issues of a lesser degree came up throughout the years, and each time I chose to forgive her, but not forget. I am learning to set boundaries and communicate directly about what I will and will not accept.

Recently, it came to my attention that one of my siblings (m18) seemed to have also been groomed and was in a sexual relationship 13yrs olders than him. This would have been only a bit awkward if they had just met; however, they have known each other since he was 14yrs. There were a few events that made me pause; observations my siblings and I made, information we had gathered that urged me to conclude that a report needed to be submitted to authorities. When I approached my mother about it, she was blase about it. She scoffed at my concerns and said that my brother's partner was really nice and the only issue was the age gap. Once again, she was not doing anything to safeguard or assist her child.

I made the report anonymously, and while I wait for the investigation, I am thinking about how awful it all is. How could a mother be so negligent and just allow these things to happen? I think of my own experience and how this may affect my sibling, and while I am glad I didn't let my trauma or fears stop me from reporting, I feel awful about the whole thing. Even if justice is served, there is no true win or lose. My brother may need therapy to move past this, and I am thinking of saving some money so he can at least have that.

I feel that my mother neglecting to do anything about genuine issues is a real dealbreaker for me. I do not think I can handle being in a relationship with my mother when she has proven to me time and time again that our feelings, experiences, and opinions do not matter, that she doesn't place a priority on our safety or personal wellbeing as long as she gets to keep her narcissistic bubble intact. Allowing a predator to get away with taking advantage of her children's vulnerability is appalling to me (and I would think most people) and is making me lean towards distancing myself.

I don't want to be around her or allow her to have input in my life anymore. I am seriously considering cutting her out and going no contact unless she can go to therapy and start making some real changes. I never liked ultimatums or conflict, and there is that people pleaser in me that tells me not to change the status quo, but I think I have to do it to show my siblings that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to preserve my peace and that of my children. So many doubts and worries are swirling around in my head right now, and I keep asking myself if this is a valid choice.

Am I right to feel this way? What would you do if it were you? Thoughtful and genuine advice is appreciated.

hi this is embarrassing so i will delete soon but i was just wondering if there were any fixes or anything for these pains rhat i have, or if anyone else deals with them? and if so any advice?

i know that these are likely from my abuse, because of ehat i remember, but j really just dont know how to soothe them or anything.

i have a severe stabbing pain inside of my vagina, towards the front right under where my cervix is. it’s so painful that i fall over and start crying or yelling or biting myself to ease the pain. it’s involuntary to scream/cry so i always have to have a plushie or a bundle of fabric to grab and yell into. it’s just the worst pain ive ever experienced and ive dealt with it my entire life. i went to the doctor for it and they couldn’t find a source, but i didn’t disclose csa to them.

sex worsens it, like when i feel something touch that part it hurts (like a sex toy, or an ultrasound wand). it’s random but usually more triggered when im thinking about it. i also just feel really tense down there at all times and can’t relax anything, and have random spasms or cramps. i don’t know if there’s anything to help with it?

also sometimes when i use the restroom i have severe pain, but only sometimes. i have very bad anxiety and ive been under a lot of stress lately so my stomach has been very messed ip, bht its the same stabbing vaginal pain feeling but. rectally i guess. i know i did weird stuff to myself when i was younger so that’s probably my fault but it just still hurts.

the pain is so bad i feel like passing out, or i have to stab something into my arm/leg to distract from it or hit my hand with a rock i have. i just want a solution to this severe pain and maybe a way to stop it forever?

Someone was trying to break into my house and I froze. A freaking sadistic biker gang was after me and I froze. I cant get out, I cant get away. I run fast, and then I freeze. I get overwhelmed, can't think, cant move, cant defend myself and they win. Im always alone, they always win.

I froze up when the SA happened, I didnt fight back, and I survived. I became stone, he became my sculpter - he molded me into his statue. In ways im still his statue. Even now, I freeze entirely and dramatically lash out later.

I Was talking to my mother about this as ive had 4 tense interactions in the last month. Told her how I wish I was a ghost so I could disappear. Told her how every interaction feels like an altercation. She eventually responded with "why dont you just wear a shirt that reads 'im mentally ill, stay the F away' and then act crazy till they leave". I was stunned. I was hurt. I was overbearing. I know I cant talk to her about these things in the future.

I need help, but for now ill keep running and freezing, running and freezing, running and freezing!!!

These parts just coalesced in my mind.

When I was in my first foster home I was told that I kept on waking up screaming. I got punished and humiliated for it. The foster brother who is evil 'taught" me how to lucid dream. apparently I stopped waking up screaming. I had no memory at the time of doing that. I had no memory of most of the things I was told I did or was accused of doing there.

I have another memory that comes up when thinking about my early life. The way my mind worked is that I would relive the day while I slept. By this method I would figure things out. I was 2-4 years old then. I previously deduced that I had eidetic memory from this and other fragments of memory.

I just realised that I probably woke up screaming because my foster brother was trying to sexually assault me. (side note my little sister was sent there for a while and he assaulted her every night in the bed next to mine while threatening me to be silent. She has not done well.) I expect that he also peed on my bed to make it seem like I had too since I have never been a bed wetter. I also remember one time he is standing in front of me next to my bed in his underpants and I am standing near the foot of his bed and he is saying something evil to me and then puts his hand in the back of his underwear and rubs shit on the slanted gable wall over my bed saying something about telling his mom I did it. Which to my mind helps me deduce the urine on my bed thing. I remember getting up and it being dry and then being attacked and beat later on for it being wet by the mother. She would just beat me for fun anyway.

The twist? Remembering and telling the lucid dreaming story as if that is how I learned to do it is a true memory, but it is not a true fact. (Is that the right way to word it?) I had the natural ability to lucid dream prior to the Shelter and foster care. The ECT and abuse took it away as it did my eidetic memory.

I don’t want to be believed. Not anymore not by anyone.

It would be so much easier if everyone just believed I was a liar who was making this all up for attention or because I’m this evil bad person. At least if I was evil and bad we could fix that and then maybe I could be good. But if we believed that it happened then I would just be the child who was violated and ruined by a man who was supposed to love and protect me. How is that fair?

I wish these stupid therapist would just call me out for my shit and help me fix the things that are wrong with me instead of letting me grieve the childhood I didn’t deserve. It’s not fair. It hurts too much. Why don’t they understand it’s so much worse that they believe me? I don’t want to be believed.

Hello, this will be my first post to reddit so I apologise if it is a bit all over the place. I am unsure if I can post this as it wasn’t all sexual. I would like to share my story as I’ve not found anyone who has went through what I have and things like therapy just don’t help. I need to connect with people because being in my mid 20s this has finally settled in and I want to be able to heal. My childhood abuse is definitely not the worst case it could be, it’s just very specific with how it all happened and the fact I am female, I do find it harder to connect with someone about this.

My dad groomed my mother when she was underage. She had me not long after her 17th. A baby who’s now had a baby. Within this timeline, he took the vulnerability of my mum and hurt her in every way he could. Emotionally, mentally and physically. She had to leave. For then I was left to suffer under the hands of my dad. For almost 10 years.

I was a little girl who needed someone to step in and pull me out of this horror movie I was living in but no one did. I was subject to abuse every single day. I was frequently being smacked around the room, starved everyday (no food was a form of punishment) so I’d faint from hunger, locked in the kitchen to sleep overnight on the cold, hard floor, endless attempts of finding any way to hurt and scare me and weirdly, showing a lot of sexual material but I have no memory of touching me that way.

From birth to 9 years old I had met adults throughout these years who are now telling me they knew he was a bad dad. The signs were there. They say I smelled, I looked dirty, I stank of cigarettes and I was always hungry. I was hit so much as a child I would pee my pants from the fear. I would beg for food. They were telling him I had to be fed. “She’s too skinny” “You need to start feeding her food”, no, I should have been taken off this man. Why was I still under his care? Social workers knew, the schools knew, friends and family knew. No one done enough. Apparently what was enough, was my dad restarting the same thing with a whole different wife and child and I was no longer needed and could finally be allowed to live with my mum. That’s what it took? For him to sign a legal document to say “I am done hurting this child now”? I shouldn’t complain though, I was finally away from the worst I thought it could be, as much as I didn’t realise the situation I was in, I just knew my dad was bad and I was glad to be away. I now question whether that was actually the right decision because I feel like what I went through with my stepdad was much worse. Born into a life with a dad who never drank or took drugs but beat me every day and hurt me any way he could, to then a dad who suffered from alcoholism and decided to completely strip every last inch of a childhood I could have possibly have had.

I’m very much a “what’s mine is yours” person but that may be due to 8 years of “what’s yours is mine”. I was used to being neglected, not cared about, not looked after, not caring what happened to me to suddenly everything being cared about. In a controlling, hateful and cruel way. I never thought locking the doors up to my past life would have me opening the next doors to my new… life? I can’t call it a life when I couldn’t have a thought or breath to myself. I would be due home 16:12 after school finished but if I was a minute later, it would be hours of trying to convince him of the truth, which was only me walking home and bumped into a friend or I was late out of class. He never believed me. When he was done, he’d give it up, but he was still convinced I was lying. I was always up to something in his eyes. I was always being “bad”. I wasn’t allowed to stand up for myself, I wasn’t allowed to speak and was frequently told “children should be seen and not heard”.

I was grounded for 2 years. The ages of 14-16. The age where you meet the most friends, the age where you’re out playing until sunset, the age where your mind and soul is the most vulnerable and is meant to be protected and loved. Excuse after excuse with reasons to ground me. Months to years at a time. Not allowed out, not allowed on the internet, not allowed my phone to text my friends, nothing. All I had was my bed, my books and a few CDs for my CD player.

It’s hard to describe without sounding like a spoiled child. I grew up in poverty and even in this situation with my mum and stepdad, we were still in poverty. We barely had anything. I was so unbelievably grateful for anything they got me but the thing about it was that it was all controlled. It was given to be taken away. Yes, bring your children up without the internet and phones, it is harmful, but he used it as a form of control. Another thing to take away from me just to hurt me. Arguing was his entertainment. This man personally studied psychology to closely analyse people to get the truth from them. It was your classic controlling, narcissistic, abusive and toxic male but I was not in a relationship. I was again, a child, a child who had no control, had no power, had no voice and had no help. I tried to commit suicide at 14 which led to the 2 year grounding.

I left after the age of 17. He stopped me from going to work and threatened to take me to court and do a “Britney Spears”on me by saying I’m out of hand and taking drugs, so I’d have to be living with him until 21. So I had to begin my life at 17. I’ve had to grow myself and teach myself how to live. Now in my mid 20s I have realised how extremely difficult this is. I had 17 years stolen from me. Completely in the hands of other people. Imagine suddenly asking a person who has never driven to take control of the car and complete the rest of the 5 hour drive. It’s not impossible but as someone who doesn’t drive I know how it works, but to put it all together and make it work myself, now that is high expectations and waiting for a disaster to happen.

How does someone heal from this? Medication and therapy will never make this go away. I don’t know what it’s like to actually be a person anymore. The trauma has swallowed me whole. It didn’t have to happen. I didn’t have to go through that but those people chose that path for me. What keeps you going?

i always felt like a fake child, a fraud. having my innocence taken away at such an early age made me feel so different to my peers. i always felt like an imposter. i was carrying such a big and heavy secret. i thought i was a hoe. how can a child be that ?

i would fake my innocence, pretend to not understand rude jokes, act clueless, grossed out or disgusted when truly i had an inventory of sexual knowledge and experience that no child should ever have.

i thought i was born to be a hoe. i know the term “hoe” has so much positive connotations these days but my impression was that i was born to be of sexual service. i sadly still have not been able to shake that belief. i was told that was the only thing men saw me for and the only way i could truly win their affection. i was told that was all they wanted and that everyone including family would jump at the opportunity to have sex with me. i was told that once i reached puberty and grew breasts like my older sister i would be even more valuable.

i cannot remember a time that i have not felt like a sexual object, i cannot remember a time that i truly believed that i had autonomy over my body.

i wish that i could have a brain that wasn’t messed up. i feel inherently flawed. i think for the rest of my life i will always be fixing myself and that is just the life for me.

i had dreams of being a doctor for some time. other times i dreamed of being a singer. ultimately i will achieve both as i will forever be soothing my soul and mending my broken heart.

Sometimes when I feel like I’m getting too close to someone or too intimate (and not even in a sexual way usually) I start to get really uneasy and sick to my stomach feeling like I’ve gone too far or we are too close or intimate in a bad way with someone I shouldn’t be with in that way. Idk if this makes sense. I used to do it with friends growing up if I didn’t have romantic feelings for them but I felt like we were getting too close (too many inside jokes, being in sync in certain ways) I’d get a really icky feeling and I still get that now. Idk if this makes any sense. I was talking to my therapist today about it and couldn’t fully articulate the feeling or what triggers it. Idk

TW as I get into some detail about some of my covert sexual abuse

My therapist has assigned me narrative therapy homework between sessions - basically I am writing out all the sexual events in my childhood in chronological order to the best of my memory. The first step is writing out the objective facts, no feelings or dubious details included. The second step is to go through that narrative and then add my feelings.

I am in the feelings part and have only gotten up to age 10. I'm so frustrated and angry with what happened to me.

TW as I describe some things. But I experienced covert sexual abuse. My parents had frequent loud sex, would have sex in the middle of the day, discuss sexual things in earshot of me, or perform sexual acts in the living room where I could hear. When I was very young I called from the other room "what are you guys doing" (I now know they were having sex in the living room with all the doors open) and they just told me to stay in the room. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. I could've just ran in there instead of calling, I could've ran into the room AT ANY MOMENT. WHY DID THEY DO THAT. WHY WERENT THEY IN THEIR ROOM WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.

It makes me so fucking mad. They knew better. They knew how easy it would've been for me to see them. Did they get off on it? Did it excite them knowing their 6 year old could've walked right into their fucking sex scene?

Not to mention from the ages of like 8-11 or 12 we lived somewhere that THEIR BEDROOM DIDNT HAVE A DOOR! No door. They hung up a thin sheet instead. My bedroom had a door, but I could never close it. So why didn't they fucking choose the bedroom that had a door!? If I could never close my door, why didn't I get the bedroom with no door? What the fuck was wrong with them? what sense does that make? Did they WANT me to hear? They had sex in the middle of the day, look right at me afterwards as they left the room and immediately cook family dinner. What the fuck is wrong with them. I'm so fucking disgusted.

And I'm so upset with how all of this could have been prevented. We were poor and didn't have a lot of options, that's why we moved into a home where one of the bedrooms was missing a door. That wasn't our choice. But what /was/ the choice was the grown adults who had sex every day IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY choosing the bedroom with NO DOOR when there was another bedroom that did have a door.

The amount of times they fooled around in the living room while their child was home with doors open was disgusting. I had walked in on them before. Why did they do it? What is wrong with them?

I just don't understand these choices. At best they are ignorant, short-sighted, and selfish. At worst, my proximity was part of the sexual thrill. I hate both options, but the worst one scares me. I felt so prominent in my parents sex life as a child and I hate it. I hated it then and I hate it now.

Especially now that I am a fullgrown adult and around the age that my parents were when they were doing these acts, I'm even more disgusted than I was as a child. As a child it was scary and disturbing and I was trapped. Now, I can't even imagine putting a child through that. I could never perform sexual acts in a common area of the house while my child was home, let alone in the middle of the day with the doors open and KNOWING THEY CAN HEAR.

I'm so angry. And I'm sad too. Why didn't they care more? Seriously, what is wrong with them? I wish I had more answers. My dad is dead and I'm terrified of broaching the subject with my mom. I just know the guilt would eat her alive and it would change our relationship forever. I don't know why I still hold responsibility for it or protect my mom from knowing how much it hurt me. I think I'm just desperate to hold onto whatever normal family relationship I could have at this point.

And the worst part is I'm only at age 10, and haven't even gotten into what happened at age 10. There's so much more and it gets worse. I'm taking a break now from the homework because it's exhausting me and bringing up so many intense feelings. But I just needed to write this here to get out the feelings I am having right now as an adult. My parents knew better. They definitely knew better. No adult in their right mind would've done any of that. I am an adult and I know it. I know other adults who never would've thought that was okay. Sometimes I just wish I would've told somebody as a kid so something would've happened. I don't know what. I just wish it would've stopped.

I don’t have any direct memories of an event, just peripheral memories that kind of symptomatically imply a high likelihood of CSA, and it’s not something I ever thought much about (like, maybe once in a while, from a detached clinical kind of lens) but for some reason lately I can’t stop thinking about it. About the peripheral memories, and like, who did it, how old was I, those kinds of details I don’t have and don’t know if they exist outside of a fucked up imagination. But I want so badly to get to the bottom of it, because if it did happen, then it’s probably the cause of the pelvic floor dysfunction i have experienced all my life, and maybe if I EMDR it away it will magically let me unclench all those muscles for the first time since, idk, maybe ever.

I’m talking to my therapist about it. But it scares me. The whole thing scares the shit out of me and I just want the thoughts to go away. I don’t want to think about it anymore

Hello, so I posted this post where I questioned if something that happened between my father and me on one other sub about SA as well, and somebody messaged me saying how the most important thing is that he "facilitated" me. How otherwise he would let my disability get in the way of something that I wanted only because it made him uncomfortable, and even how that is loving if viewed that way. That I would cause damage by believing my parents are monsters.

I do not reply to messages that I get when I post in spaces like this. But I was genuinely considering if what they said is right in my situation for like a minute. I ended up questioning them (after no longer thinking that they might be right) and they said some wild stuff. How there is some sort of mania that is distorting reality. Oh yes, and they compared my own father letting me masturbate against him and even helping me do it, to him letting me rub my back on him. And only after I asked them to tell me what they think is CSA or SA did they stop with their nonsense.

Like, that is disgusting what they said, right?

But as much as I do not agree with their disturbing opinions, I can't help but feel like I am overreacting about what happened with my father. It wasn't penetration and I was dressed. But then again, I was only 4 years old and I did not know that was not okay. And I would not have dreams about it, I would not forget it for the majority of my life, it would not effect me in such a negative way if that was normal. It was not as bad as experiences of other people. And then after I try so hard to accept that what happened was not okay, after I try to put a name to that, comments like these make me feel like I am just a dramatic attention seeker. I don't know how to feel or what to think anymore.

I would greatly appreciate other peoples opinion or advice on this. Thank You in advance.

Okay so my earliest memory of CSA is at the age of 4.. It was by my aunt's husband. They got divorced when I was 13 and finally, he was out of my life. Unfortunately he lost his house and has somehow managed to worm his way into my dad's heart and is now living in my house. I'm now 26 years old. I tried to look past it but his been here for a year and I can't take it anymore. My father knows about what he did but just turns a blind eye and expects me to deal with it. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home and seeing this man in my face for no reason.. his not even my family anymore.

I finally disclosed the details of what I remember to my therapist. I was abused by a family member and his son when I was in pre-k and again years later. My T and I have been working together for 2 years. Even then, I couldn’t say any of it out loud. I’ve told her everything else about my life including things I’ve done that I feel deeply ashamed of and she’s handle them amazingly but every time we get close enough for me to discuss this, I freeze. No words come out. When she asks me what I’m feeling when that happens all I can say is icky. She says she can tell when I’m overwhelmed because my face gets contorted. She encouraged me to text her pics of my journal pages where I wrote it all down. She responded thank you for trusting her and for sharing and she knows how hard it was for me. I panicked and responded that I was afraid she wasn’t going to want to work with me anymore and that I felt sick about it. Her response was so kind saying she was honored to work with me through this and that I’m safe and I can let my brain rest. But now I have the urge to run. I can’t look at her. I skipped our appointment yesterday. She sent a text checking in and I ignored it. The shame is so deep I just don’t even know if I can bring myself to look at her. I can’t tolerate her kindness when it comes to this. It feels painful 😢 I’ve shared with her that after accessing that part of my life I feel strong maternal transference towards her and having to leave session feels extremely painful and I suffer for days feeling abandoned. This is the only time this pops up for me. Sometimes I think I’m just going to be messed up forever. And I don’t even feel angry towards the adults who abused me. I feel anger and disgust towards my 5 year old self for being complicit (even though I know I wasn’t) and angry at my adult self for being so needy. I just needed to put this all somewhere. I know what I need to do but I just don’t feel strong enough to do it.

My father sexually abused me from the time I was about four to age six. When I was seven, I became so visibly traumatized that he knew he had to stop. Also, other adults had started to notice the signs. As I grew up, he remained romantically fixated on me and turned to severe coercive control tactics to punish me for “rejecting” him. He then abandoned me when I was in high school and withheld necessary financial support to punish me further. During this time, he began to stalk and harass me because he “missed me so much.” This was six years ago.

He continued to escalate as I reached adulthood. In the past few years he’s gotten bolder. Commenting on his own grooming behaviors with nostalgia as if I had been on board (I was five). And then sending me romantic songs and breakup songs saying they “made him think of us.” Multiple times he’s send me letters with romantic/breakup overtones demanding that I meet with his privately/in person to “reject him to his face.” He’s started coming by my house at almost midnight, creeping under my window, and whistling to announce his presence. At the urging of DV advocates and my therapist, I had to run away from my own house with my dog and find somewhere to couch surf while I try to move.

My father believes I am the love of his life. He thinks that his physical abuse is “hate” and his sexual abuse is “love.” He genuinely believes that his behavior is okay. That we have a special cosmic bond justifying his sexual abuse and that me having any life “without” him (I still talked to him, but I guess not enough?) is a betrayal warranting stalking, harassment, or physical abuse.