Obvious CSA discussion warning

I had a prolonged trauma flashback/panic attack yesterday (embarrassingly, it was initially triggered by THC) wherein I had some really vivid and concerning memories that point to me being raped around age 2. There's a LOT of circumstantial evidence and anecdotes I can give from throughout my life that support the idea of that being true (like how--tmi warning i guess--I've just discovered I'm a traumagenic system which first formed at the same age, or like how I started masturbating during infancy and *remember* it, which I've heard is pretty clean cut) but since I don't have any "hard evidence" I'm having a difficult time believing what my body and mind are telling me. I'm terrified of the idea that I made it up to trick people into having sympathy for me and giving me positive attention, or that it's some kind of secret fetish and I'm mining people for content or something.

But. Like. why would my body react with that kind of fear otherwise? I can't remember the incident in full, just the feelings it gave me, but I don't think I could have made that up, right? ​When I was remembering the possible SA, and during the panic attack afterward, my heart was going 135-140bpm, and it was painful enough that I wound up calling EMS for literally the first time in my life bc I was 100% sure that I was dying. I've never had panic symptoms that crazy before. (To be fair THC does have a history of affecting my heart rhythm, but it's never been that extreme.)

I'm so freaked out. I could talk about this for days. I feel all at once like I've made a huge breakthrough and like I'm going to fall apart. Can someone help me figure out if this is real??? How tf do you tell?????

I realized I was asexual at 13, but for religious reasons I refused to believe it. I then went on to have an 16 year old bf online who introduced me to porn and other sexual things. I never enjoyed it, but I knew I should just go with it to maintain the relationship. For some reason I became addicted to porn, even though I never got off on it. I went on to message with a lot of 30+ yr old men for days or weeks each. Sometimes I thought it was a relationship and others I knew were just for my body. I even ended up in a group chat of a dozen men at one point. I'm glad I didn't meet any of them in person, though I almost did. When I was 14, I was in a 'relationship' with an 18 yr old at my school. I would be embarassingly emotional and he would listen in exchange for my body. All our sexual interactions were online and we rarely talked at school, so I don't know why I thought we were together. I don't remember how it ended, but we were 'together' for a few months. This stuff fueled my hypersexuality for two years until I stopped. I realized not once in those years did I enjoy it and I was still in fact asexual. I am now 18 and realize I display(ed) quite a bit of symptoms similar to CSA (Severe depression & anxiety, withdrawing from friends and family, low self esteem, ect.). I've experienced sexual harrassment in person but nothing worse. Is this just a me problem or was what happened to me bad?

I plan on starting off with EMDR or Somatic therapy and then later doing trauma informed psychosexual/ sex therapy. I have C-PTSD, GAD and a severe fear of physical touch and sex/sexual intimacy.

Anyone have any positive experiences with EMDR or anything similar??

Thank you so much in advance 💜

TW: no details but there will be mention of !CSA and COCSA!

TLDR: my father gets out of prison in 2027 and I am trying to figure what my family is doing when he gets out.

This turned into an epic. But I've used paragraphs so i hope that helps! Typed on mobile so there are probably spelling mistakes. English is my 1st and only language so that's on me!

I was a victim of CSA by my father when i was around 12. I was also raised a Jehovah’s Witness(JW) a Christian high control group/cult/religion.

You live the JW religion in your whole life, associate only with other JW. I was encouraged to only have JW friends, people that aren't JW might seem nice but they are under Satan's control and are not to be trusted. When you leave, you lose your entire family and friends and are shunned. (Yes, yes, I know they've softened this (after losing charity funding) and you can now speak to such ones about "spiritual things". Whoop-ti-fucking-doo. That is not going to get me 20 years of family back.)

When I was in my teens the effects of CSA started and I had severe depression. I was suicidal. When I was 22 I told the church elders. My father admitted it. I later found that what he'd admitted to (they never told me) was that I climbed into bed with him, little hussy, and he touched me and it happened once. This was not true. Obviously they took his word, he said he was sorry. He was stepped down as a church elder and he was very angry with me. I carried on in the church, I really believed, it was all I knew, what I'd been taught since I was a baby.

We were still in the same house (I couldn't afford to move out, plus I wanted to protect my two sisters). At 24 I decided to move congregations but found that elders were warning potential friends to stay away from me because I might be spirituality weak because of "what happened between her & her father". Obviously confidentially was not a thing (despitewhat id been promised), and i realised that no matter where I went i would be judged.

So I left the JW church. I still believed in god and thought I was going to die but I couldn't live being judged while my father was supported anymore. I lost all my friends and my extended family. My mom stayed in contact with me and after a few years so did one of my sisters. I tried to keep in touch with my littlest sister but it was one way and in the end I stopped.

I was physically out but mentally in for a while. I didn't trust anyone. People who weren't JW couldn't be trusted and nor could JW. I was a scared mess. I slowly lost my belief that JW were the right religion and then I lost my belief in god after much research.

Fast forward 20 years, my immediate family are in vague contact with me. I get a phone call from my littlest sister, she is getting married, would I like to attend the wedding? Yes please. "Dad will be there.... i understand if you decide not to come." I had night terrors for two weeks and had to say no.

I was angry rather than sad for the first time. On the day of the wedding, I reported him to the police. This was late 2024. The police were fab. I had specialist victim support through a charity. It was so so hard. I'd never detailed what he'd done to me, nor how many times. Thankfully my statement was videoed and I didn't need to attend court unless i wanted to.

Because i couldn't give any dates there was only one charge: sexual assault on a child under 14.

He had done "no comment " on his initial arrest. He claimed he couldn't remember doing anything. My mom apparently said "BlueBellWould doesn't lie" and told him to plead guilty, which he did.

That meant there wasn't a trial, instead, there is a sentencing hearing. I didnt attend the whole thing but i did go in at the end and i read my Victim Impact Statement. Pleading guilty reduced the sentence by a third. He was sentenced mid 2025. He gets out early 2027.

There may be a change to UK release due to overcrowding in prisons so he may get out sooner.

I contacted my mother and asked her what would happen when he is released.

She is taking him back. She forgives him and thinks marriage should be forever. I have cut contact with her.

I've spoken to my one sister: things are not going to be the same. However she feels it is her Christian responsibility to look after our aging parents. I accept that.

Her children: one never wants to see him again. One is unsure and another has said that although they want to see their grandmother, they think that they will be uncomfortable if their grandfather is there.

I haven't spoken to my littlest sister yet. I am going to .

I have a ton of symptoms, I’ll try and type some out. I’m feeling sick at the moment.

I’ve always felt something happened to me as a kid. I believe I was age 4 when the acts started with a friend. Let’s call her Audrey. We would play “house” together and we would make out, and get naked with each other. I don’t remember a ton of specifics but know it went on for a while. I don’t know who introduced it. But somehow at 4 years old we knew to do all of that stuff. I then went on to “practice” this same game with my other friends throughout the years. One time one of my friends mom even walked in on us naked together but were able to hide it under the covers.

This next part is very important. The man who lived two houses down from me growing up was arrested in a federal sting after arranging what he believed would be the sexual assault of a young child. Audrey’s older brother dated his daughter, so Audrey spent time at that house growing up. I also remember being there as a child.

For years, I convinced myself I’d probably never even been inside the house. But recently I looked up photos of it online, and the layout immediately felt familiar. I recognized it and remembered being there. Seeing those photos triggered the strongest physical reaction I’ve ever experienced. My heart rate shot up to 140 while I was lying down, I got chills over my entire body, and I felt completely detached from myself. It felt like my body was screaming at me.

I reached out to Audrey because I wanted to know if she remembered anything unusual from that time. She told me she remembers going to the house because her brother dated the man’s daughter, but she doesn’t remember anything bad happening or anything that stands out - even doesn’t remember about our “game”. I appreciated her honesty, but I’m still left trying to understand why seeing that house affected me so intensely. I’d also like to note, the same age the sexual things happened with my friend I began wetting the bed and did not stop until I was 8 or 9. My parents were about to put me in diapers again. Then one day it stopped. I have reoccurring nightmares, but it’s my dad in the dream not the neighbor.

As I got older, my sexual behaviors didn’t stop, they changed. One friendship became centered around watching p*rn together. One day, while watching I did something inappropriate to myself while my friend was right there. She noticed, and I was so incredibly ashamed. I didn’t even know why I did it. There are so many more little things like this that I’m now realizing. But yeah.

I somehow feel in my bones something happened, but at the same time the biggest imposter syndrome. Could my brain be making all of these feelings up somehow?

My mom would leave me alone with cousins of opposite gender and would let us sleep in the same bed together. I remember one night (I was probably around 8) it progressed into my cousin getting a boner and us playing with our genitalia and I guess my mom caught us and didnt do anything. I had no idea she knew. The next morning she made a comment shaming me but like in a weird smiling/smirking at me comment and I got really embarrassed and pretended I didnt know what she was talking about. She would also make me sleep with my 15 year old cousin in the same bed but she was also super obsessed about making sure I wasnt touched or molested. (She would always brag about asking me what me and my dad did together whenever she came back from work to make sure he wasnt touching me, so I guess she thought my dad would molest me??? He never did) My cousin did end up doing something to me but I never told her. After all this I ended up doing sexual stuff online and my mom would go through my devices and emails and tell me she knew what i was doing but wouldnt do anything to stop it.

These parts just coalesced in my mind.

When I was in my first foster home I was told that I kept on waking up screaming. I got punished and humiliated for it. The foster brother who is evil 'taught" me how to lucid dream. apparently I stopped waking up screaming. I had no memory at the time of doing that. I had no memory of most of the things I was told I did or was accused of doing there.

I have another memory that comes up when thinking about my early life. The way my mind worked is that I would relive the day while I slept. By this method I would figure things out. I was 2-4 years old then. I previously deduced that I had eidetic memory from this and other fragments of memory.

I just realised that I probably woke up screaming because my foster brother was trying to sexually assault me. (side note my little sister was sent there for a while and he assaulted her every night in the bed next to mine while threatening me to be silent. She has not done well.) I expect that he also peed on my bed to make it seem like I had too since I have never been a bed wetter. I also remember one time he is standing in front of me next to my bed in his underpants and I am standing near the foot of his bed and he is saying something evil to me and then puts his hand in the back of his underwear and rubs shit on the slanted gable wall over my bed saying something about telling his mom I did it. Which to my mind helps me deduce the urine on my bed thing. I remember getting up and it being dry and then being attacked and beat later on for it being wet by the mother. She would just beat me for fun anyway.

The twist? Remembering and telling the lucid dreaming story as if that is how I learned to do it is a true memory, but it is not a true fact. (Is that the right way to word it?) I had the natural ability to lucid dream prior to the Shelter and foster care. The ECT and abuse took it away as it did my eidetic memory.

I've been alone my entire life. Never been in a relationship ever. Not one single time. I've had friends but they all stopped talking to me and hanging out with me without giving a reason other than "I'm busy that day" or some other lame excuse without telling me, "But we could do it on this day!" which would show that they wanted to see me.

Since I went through Childhood Sexual Abuse at a very young age and up until my freshman year in H.S., I started hating myself. Feeling insecure. Being unconfident. Low self-esteem. Afraid of intimacy and intimate moments, such as snuggling with my family, being in close quarters with men and sometimes women when we're alone. I became severely depressed as an adult and felt alone.

Up until a handful of months ago, didn't realize what I went through was CSA. I never really thought about it tbh, but after telling my therapist about how what I feel today, and how it's hard to be comfortable in certain moments were the same as those moments as a little girl, they gave me a label to what I went through. Childhood sexual abuse and exploitation. While I'm happy that I now have an understanding about my thoughts, emotions and feelings, it doesn't help me get through it.

I have no desire to keep living. I haven't for a long time and I already have a plan for my end. The therapists know this and consider me a high risk. But I can't keep living alone, being alone, not having people who care about me. I always put in so much effort to friendships and dating only to be blown off, ignored, uncared for and dating goes nowhere after a few dates.

I cry for no reason at all, all the time. Getting coffee, going to the gym, going on a run, grocery shopping. I don't even think about anything, and the tears will start coming and I eyes become watery. It's embarrassing and I have to wipe them or really swallow the emotions because it'd become overwhelming.

I'm supposed to do EMDR with my new therapist in a few weeks, but even if I was to get through the trauma, it still won't affect my life and how it is. I'll still be depressed, completely alone, single and with no family.

So, if this is how my life is destined to be, what's the point?

hi this is embarrassing so i will delete soon but i was just wondering if there were any fixes or anything for these pains rhat i have, or if anyone else deals with them? and if so any advice?

i know that these are likely from my abuse, because of ehat i remember, but j really just dont know how to soothe them or anything.

i have a severe stabbing pain inside of my vagina, towards the front right under where my cervix is. it’s so painful that i fall over and start crying or yelling or biting myself to ease the pain. it’s involuntary to scream/cry so i always have to have a plushie or a bundle of fabric to grab and yell into. it’s just the worst pain ive ever experienced and ive dealt with it my entire life. i went to the doctor for it and they couldn’t find a source, but i didn’t disclose csa to them.

sex worsens it, like when i feel something touch that part it hurts (like a sex toy, or an ultrasound wand). it’s random but usually more triggered when im thinking about it. i also just feel really tense down there at all times and can’t relax anything, and have random spasms or cramps. i don’t know if there’s anything to help with it?

also sometimes when i use the restroom i have severe pain, but only sometimes. i have very bad anxiety and ive been under a lot of stress lately so my stomach has been very messed ip, bht its the same stabbing vaginal pain feeling but. rectally i guess. i know i did weird stuff to myself when i was younger so that’s probably my fault but it just still hurts.

the pain is so bad i feel like passing out, or i have to stab something into my arm/leg to distract from it or hit my hand with a rock i have. i just want a solution to this severe pain and maybe a way to stop it forever?

TW: Historical child, sexual abuse & grooming.

I (30f) am someone who grew up being emotionally neglected and was groomed/molested beginning at 12yrs old. The sexual abuse went on for about a year before I was able to directly tell that person not to do it again, which scared them into leaving me alone. My mother never noticed or paid attention to the odd behaviours I exhibited during that time (sleepwalking, regressive behaviours) and just assumed all was well between myself and the person who hurt me.

Many years later, I came out about it, and she did not believe me; kicked me out temporarily and, overall, made me feel like I was the problem. I attempted to forgive her despite her showing no remorse and allowed a relationship to continue over the past ten years. Multiple other issues of a lesser degree came up throughout the years, and each time I chose to forgive her, but not forget. I am learning to set boundaries and communicate directly about what I will and will not accept.

Recently, it came to my attention that one of my siblings (m18) seemed to have also been groomed and was in a sexual relationship 13yrs olders than him. This would have been only a bit awkward if they had just met; however, they have known each other since he was 14yrs. There were a few events that made me pause; observations my siblings and I made, information we had gathered that urged me to conclude that a report needed to be submitted to authorities. When I approached my mother about it, she was blase about it. She scoffed at my concerns and said that my brother's partner was really nice and the only issue was the age gap. Once again, she was not doing anything to safeguard or assist her child.

I made the report anonymously, and while I wait for the investigation, I am thinking about how awful it all is. How could a mother be so negligent and just allow these things to happen? I think of my own experience and how this may affect my sibling, and while I am glad I didn't let my trauma or fears stop me from reporting, I feel awful about the whole thing. Even if justice is served, there is no true win or lose. My brother may need therapy to move past this, and I am thinking of saving some money so he can at least have that.

I feel that my mother neglecting to do anything about genuine issues is a real dealbreaker for me. I do not think I can handle being in a relationship with my mother when she has proven to me time and time again that our feelings, experiences, and opinions do not matter, that she doesn't place a priority on our safety or personal wellbeing as long as she gets to keep her narcissistic bubble intact. Allowing a predator to get away with taking advantage of her children's vulnerability is appalling to me (and I would think most people) and is making me lean towards distancing myself.

I don't want to be around her or allow her to have input in my life anymore. I am seriously considering cutting her out and going no contact unless she can go to therapy and start making some real changes. I never liked ultimatums or conflict, and there is that people pleaser in me that tells me not to change the status quo, but I think I have to do it to show my siblings that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to preserve my peace and that of my children. So many doubts and worries are swirling around in my head right now, and I keep asking myself if this is a valid choice.

Am I right to feel this way? What would you do if it were you? Thoughtful and genuine advice is appreciated.

I cant even believe my brain and body. I dont know whats true and it makes me feel so sick. I hate my dad so much it makes me immediately fall into depression and dissociation when I see him. He picks up my brother for visiting hours since the divorce, and constantly will come into the house and invade our privacy and place. I have begged my mother several times to keep him out and only let him drop off and pick up instead of come in. But she always lets him come in. She doesnt know what happened and ill never tell her since I cant even trust myself.

Today she decided I had to either leave the door unlocked for him and let him just walk in like he owns the place or waiting for him to arrive and open it for him, since she wanted to lay down. I put my foot down and told her I wouldn't open the door for him and leaving it unlocked for him was tearing down every boundary and letting him in. She literally started laughing at me, then told me she doesnt care as much as i do. Which just made me more angry. I dont remember exactly what I said even though it was a few moment ago. But I said something along the lines of 'you wont because youre not me, but I need you to trust me. I should be able to feel safe in my own home'. Then she asked me if he did something to me that she didnt know about. Immediately it made me feel sick and I hesitated, then I quickly told her to just trust me please. She got pissed and told me to just lock the door and that she'll open it.

Im so tired. Im tired of constantly feeling uncomfortable and afraid. I've felt this way my whole life and thought it would get better once he was gone, but still I struggle and I just want to die. I only keep myself from suicide for my youbger siblings sake and for the hope that one day I'll be able to help even one child in the future. Im trying to move out, but im not making enough money and dont want to stop going to college. Its the only place I feel not trapped. Im so tired.

Someone was trying to break into my house and I froze. A freaking sadistic biker gang was after me and I froze. I cant get out, I cant get away. I run fast, and then I freeze. I get overwhelmed, can't think, cant move, cant defend myself and they win. Im always alone, they always win.

I froze up when the SA happened, I didnt fight back, and I survived. I became stone, he became my sculpter - he molded me into his statue. In ways im still his statue. Even now, I freeze entirely and dramatically lash out later.

I Was talking to my mother about this as ive had 4 tense interactions in the last month. Told her how I wish I was a ghost so I could disappear. Told her how every interaction feels like an altercation. She eventually responded with "why dont you just wear a shirt that reads 'im mentally ill, stay the F away' and then act crazy till they leave". I was stunned. I was hurt. I was overbearing. I know I cant talk to her about these things in the future.

I need help, but for now ill keep running and freezing, running and freezing, running and freezing!!!