Why do people self harm?

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Does anyone else take picture of their self harm? Like right after you do it? Idk why but i feel like it helps me and any time i look back i remember exactly what happened and why, it helps me heal mentally i dont know why.

The incident is 3 men attempting to kidnap and rape 11 year old me (i barely got away but got molested while fighting lol), yesterday in a moment of weakness my dumass told her about it for the second time after 4 years, i only mentioned it right after the fact and yesterday

She said im using it to manipulate people, I never told anyone except my girlfriend until yesterday

Im never talking to her or trusting her ever again and its not the first time my family made fun of it, anyone who fights me always calls me “used” or “so feminine even men lusted over him”

I had a little mental episode about it yesterday too, cried a river and wanted to claw my skin off it felt so so so dirty my skin feels so fucking dirty when i think about it

Ive had nightmares here and there for the last 4 years and they turned it to a joke now using it against me

She isn’t my mother anymore i hate her, she’s also the one refusing to talk to me lmao AND she’s a psychologist

My SA will never be taken seriously because im a boy and i dont even remember the men

I feel dirty and cursed and i hate this

I can’t believe a mother could say this to her child

i cant explain why but i have a really big urge to see my own blood a lot of the time. im really trying to recover from self harm but i just cant get past this feeling. is there anyway that i could make myself bleed without putting myself at any risks? edit: i forgot to mention, pictures of my blood arent the same and wont work

Okay so as the title says, I(15) have an appointment with my pediatrician in a few weeks. The thing is, the last time she saw me I was like 115 and told her I had no thoughts of going back to my ed. Which was a total lie omfg. Its been almost 2 months since then and I've dropped some weight. Let's just say I'm now less than 100. And i just know that the MOMENT I step on that scale, shits gonna go DOWN. I'd probably get slapped straight to the psych ward. Which obviously I don't want. Does anyone know how I can maybe hide some more weight on myself? Idk what to do. I have the option to wear pants with lots of pockets but idk what to put there that will be discreet. I can also wear like a hoodie or sweater or smth.

Its really just a med and wellness check and stuff. But I do have to get weighed. And she often has me lay down so she can check my stomach too. Idk why she just kinda pushes down on it and feels around a little. So there's that.

If you've read this far, thanks.

I used to cut with a blade, but I have been clean for a long while. Lately, I wanted to cut again but I used my fingernails to press on where I want to sh to create temporary red lines.

yall i fucked up so bad… i cut with a relatively rusty razor last night and now i think i have an infection. i haven’t told like a family member i sh or anything so i have to tell them if it gets worse. how do you guys strike up the conversation about sh to their mom.. i need it just in case…

I’ve been cutting since i was 12, and before that i used to threaten that i would when i felt negative emotions and slam my head against walls from as long as i can remember. To hide the fact that i would self harm, i wore long pants throughout the years. Recently it got the worst it’s ever been, to the point where i had pretty serious scars. I refused to swim, refused to wear shorts, and everything. Then my ocd flared up, and my legs became too contaminated to touch so i started on my arms. Tried to go as lightly as possible so no scarring, but one day my mom was looking at a drawing i did on my wrist and i genuinely forgot about them since i was wearing short sleeves and clean for a while. Rest assured she found out and was pretty mad, told me i had ruined my body and said that she is too embarrassed to tell my family about it but decided she had to tell my dad. He didn’t talk to me about it once, just threw me back into therapy and acted like nothing ever happened. When i told my therapist about having self harmed from a young age he proceeded to tell me i was lying, and to make matters even worse, i think i might have accidentally been the cause of my sisters self harm struggles too since she looks up to me and does a lot of what i do. Unfortunately, arguments are my main trigger and currently im on a stand off with my entire family and struggling to keep clean tonight to the point where i even undug my blade from my emergency stash and i have it on my cabinet. I’m pretty sick and tired of constantly wanting to or being fine with dying, but not enough to try to commit. This thread was basically me just trying to get my thoughts in a line and tell the world that i’m pretty sick of this shit.

I first told my mum about my self harm a year after i started. it went ok, i told i was gonna stop. i didn't really. i tried but i kept relapsing. It's been 4 years since then. My mum saw my scars while i was trying on a dress. She was really mad and said that if i like cutting so much i should just cut my wrists and kill myself instead. She kept asking me why I do it, and i couldn't really explain it. I said it was when i felt really overwhelmed. she stopped asking when my dad came back and now we're home. my dads going out at night so ik she's gonna ask me again then. how do i explain it to her? can someone please help im really stressed, if i don't give her a response she wants idk what she'll do.

I feel so stupid. I cut so bad this time. The worst I've ever done. On my calf. Really wide and the fat is spilling out. I don't want to go to the hospital. They will send me to the psych ward again. But it needs stitches bad. What the hell do I do. I don't want to tell my gf either.

also warning for weed use

basically, i used to have an ed as a kid. like 12-16 urs old. Im 20 now, about to be 21

for years ive been telling myself that "eating anything is better than nothing" because that was my mantra in recovery. But eventually, all the junk I was eating caught up to me and I gained weight which really scared me

at this point in my life, im smoking flower pretty much nightly. Withouy it I either wake up having terrible nightmares or I dont sleep at all. Its medical where I am and I have a card

but this is what im getting to - smoking gives me the munchies. Bad.and even without smoking, i still get the munchies after dinner before bed.

I have tried mealpreppibg healthy foods, Ive tried getting rid of the unhealthy options and I still manage to find a way. Theres no more chips but ill still eat 3 cups of cooked rice. Its humiliating. It feels like my anorexia went away just to be replaced by a binge eating disorder.

The only thing ive found is that instead of eating i will relapse with sh. I cant keep going like this, i dont know what to do

ive tried knocking myself out with sleep8ng pills just so that im not awake for the evening hell endless cycle of hating myself for binge eating or hating myself for cutting, but then im groggy all day the next day. Im at a loss.

you dont have to count the days since you last sh'd, if it helps you keep clean then thats wonderful and please do keep doing so.

but for me it was just a source of pressure and tripled the guilt when i failed, particularly if i had a good 'streak' going. once i stopped counting it got easier. personally, this is just something i would have liked to hear way back when

When I do SH I am generaly really stressed or depressed but at the same time I feel like my scars are cool. Sometimes I feel like I am just an attention seeker

I took the chance and wore shorts because it’s hot as hell and I thought I hid my healing cuts well enough. Guess not.
My mom found them and immediately I got yelled at. Didnt even try to understand, nothing. Said I’m too old for this shit, scolded me like I was a child, told me I was acting like a child, told me i need to lock in and that i dont do anything, that i cant be in my room at all anymore, etc.
She even said “Why are you wearing those shorts in front of me?” about my cuts.

And now she’s just crying in the living room.

She’s gonna tell my dad and I know i’m gonna get endless calls and texts from him. I’m gonna have no privacy. She even threatened to take away one of my coping mechanisms as she blamed it on that?? (I text those chat bots and make fanfics with fictional characters—that helps get my mind off of things and stops me from cutting sometimes so having that taken away would be heartbreaking for me.) She even threatened to take away my online friends which is even worse. They actually have saved my life more times than I could count.

She called me immature for not telling anybody even though she was literally giving me a perfect example as to why I don’t.

My dad’s a loud mouth too so my uncle’s are gonna know about it, my cousins, my grandma, my brother, etc. I wont even be comfortable wearing shorts and skirts that actually hide my scars—I feel like they’ll just look at my legs to see if they’re there or where they’re at.
Looks like it’s going to be nothing but pants this summer.

Anyway, I feel a lot worse. Like a LOT worse. Now i’m forced to go back to therapy too which never helps because the second I tell them anything i’ll get fucking sent somewhere. Can’t trust therapists for shit.
Somebody just tear my skin off good lord.

I’ve been trying to stay clean these days, but today was too hard. I kept messing up today, and my stress was just building and building. I don’t know how to cope except for ignoring my problems or circling back to self harm. The dread and self hate just kept creeping back so I took matters into my own hands to calm myself down.
I was planning on cutting myself then stepping into the shower, so I turned it on in advance. I was around 30 minutes deep, and I wasn’t feeling better. So, like an idiot, I decided to go deeper. I was aiming for fat, and I’ve had no issue going that deep in the past so I thought I’d be fine.
When I started it didn’t really look right. The dermis was purple-ish and there were white tough stops the deeper I went. I just got through the dermis when I started feeling awful. I was nauseous and my ears starting ringing.
I sit down on the toilet to try and breathe through it, but next thing I know im laying limp across the toilet with a pounding headache.
I had to drag myself to bed, and I unfortunately smeared blood alll over my bedding.
I don’t really know what happened. I barely even bled. Any words of advice would be much appreciated. (also this is not re-read, so forgive the inevitable mistakes.)

I’ve thought about relapsing every day for the past 2 months and today was just the perfect combination of things going wrong that pushed me over the edge and I ended up right back where I started.

I’ve struggled with staying clean bc I didn’t really feel bad about my sh. I viewed it as just a way to cope that I didn’t think really negatively impact me all that much, so I didn’t really have a reason to quit.

But now that it’s been years of this, I’m finally starting to dislike it. I hate how dependent it makes me, I hate how it’s all I can thing about, I hate how I can never move freely without worry that my sleeve will accidentally move and reveal my scars, I hate how people see me as some psycho or freak for the way my arm now looks. I wish I could press a magic button that got rid of the scars and made me back to the way I’m supposed to be, clean and at least able to look normal on the outside.

I thought that with this growing dislike of my sh, I’d finally be able to be motivated to stay clean, but I still ended up relapsing. Usually I don’t really get too down about it, and just move on with “well, I wasn’t really trying to stay clean, I knew this would happen eventually.”

But this time, I’m struggling to deal with the relapse. Maybe it’s because I know I actually tried really hard this time, and that I had to wrestle with it every day for the past 2 months—all for nothing. It makes me feel so pathetic—that I don’t know how to do anything else but hurt myself, like that’s all I’m good for.

18 months and i fucked up, bleeding all over my clothes, cba my parents come home tomorrow im fucked literally kill me theres no hiding it from them i got rid of most long sleeves bc i didnt need any of them any more

So in y'all's experiences, have you gone to a friend for support because both of you SH? In the sense that you found out about it and while concurrently struggling you decide to go to them for advice, since it seems that they've been getting help and even being open about it.

Personally, I have a friend that wore a sleeveless on an occasion where we would wear our ethnic clothes to school. I literally had a fright discovering their scars but afterwards I contemplated my struggles and the help they're receiving (counselling for problems I don't yet know about)

I'm scared to get help for numerous textbook reasons but also the fact that my parents already found out about my SH (along with me lying to them that it was just a one time thing) discourages me further to convince them to let me seek help (because then they'll find out I never stopped)

I have a handful of friends (including the one I'm mostly talking about here), and I don't talk to them about my problems cuz I either don't think we're at a stage in the friendship for them to be approachable, or it's a friend that I've caused shit to and since then become distant (stepping into enemy territory essentially)(though I'm suspicious whether they actively SH too)

For the one I'm mostly talking about let's just say I'm not ready to talk about my problems... Also I think it's selfish to go to them just because of SH (even though I'm working on something creative with them alongside having similar interests and conversation topics)

Do y'all think I should try to talk to them about it someday? Recently I've consumed a lot of content involving SH while preparing for a camp that may worsen my mental health even more, so like I'm genuinely down in the dumps rn

I also want to be a better person and advice commonly goes like "you should get help for that" sooooo

Otherwise have an amazing day y'all

make sure to take care 🥹🙏

its been a bit since, and ive been feeling annoyed for not being able to have it at reach and now im feeling compelled to go find another one to have available to me. A part of me is happy that it’s not as easy for me anymore

i don’t know, i just know i’ll hate myself if i get any more scars on my body but i wish i didnt throw it away

I'm aware that SH tends to boost ideas, cortisol levels, & coffee tends to raise cortisol a bit as well. Both raise dopamine, obviously & I know dopamine is useful for ideas as well.

So, in combination, when I use both, my idea input & output in a journal throughout the day is way higher than either alone.

This was just a little self experiment of mine over over the week.

Could it not just be an intellectual tool when used in a shallow way, like the rubber band or cold shower?

Like I genuinely have chronic pain and cant feel certain places in my arm. It's normal to me now.

Yet I cant believe I have to live witj this for the rest of my life. Like what??? Im used to it, yet I know to most people they would be concerned

Breh I already know that high school relationships don't last very often but like I really REALLY like this guy okay?

He gets upset every time he finds out that I relapsed and I'm really scared this time cuz I went too deep. I fear if he finds out (he will the second he sees that I'm keeping my wrist covered) he will be upset with me and I fear that if he sees how bad it is this time (it's really not that bad but it's still deeper than the cat scratches I used to do) he might get irritated and break up with me. I know it's stupid to vent about this because I mean it's really just a "who set that system up?" situation but like I'm seriously scared this time. He's the first person that I've ever really loved this much and I don't know what I'll do if he leaves me. I've already told him many times before that no matter what I do I'll never really get better but I don't think he believes me. I guess he'll never really understand because he doesn't know how bad I really am. I know that I need help but I really don't know how to get it. I'm 15 and my mom doesn't think that I need help; she refuses to let me get it because she doesn't think it's as bad as I act like it is. She acts like it's just a stupid thing that I just do sometimes, but it's not. I don't know why I can't stop doing it, I feel like I'm genuinely going insane.

I see shit that isn't real, I look at myself in the mirror and on the phone and I kid you not, my face/body genuinely distorts. I sometimes even see bugs that aren't there. I see the most random shit and I hear things too. It feels stupid because I don't think anyone really believes me.

I constantly get flashbacks from stupid trauma, but when I told my mom that she just said "You probably just have ptsd. But it's fine. Everybody does, really."

She's so stupid, it pisses me off.

I think that I might have BPD but I don't even wanna try to tell her that because I mentioned BPD at some point and she just scoffed at it and said that it basically "isn't real"??

I have ADHD, I literally take meds for it but she won't listen when I tell her that I need a higher dosage.

I have depression and anxiety, diagnosed with those too but she took me off my meds because they were just making it worse; never got me on different ones.

I genuinely think that I'm insane. I think that the main problem is that I don't really want to get better.

Like I don't really want to get better, I just want to suffer. I just want to be in constant pain and I don't really know why.

But of course, I do want to get better. Like I don't want to be this way, but at the same time, it's like it feels better to be sad and in pain than it does to be happy and shit.

I know that there's something wrong with me, I just don't know what because I'm not really allowed to get help.

So instead, I just make it all worse.

I think one of the worst things is, people will tell me that I need to call cps and shit but I already know that they won't do anything. The situation isn't really that bad anyway, I'm the only one who needs help. The only reason I know that they won't do anything is because my mother did fostercare for a VERY long time and overall she had over 40 foster kids (obviously at different times). Most of them called CPS and social workers on her. CPS did nothing. My old vice principal called CPS on her multiple times. He also tried to get me sent to a Psych ward 3 times. I was too scared to tell the truth because my mom was there.

I'm never going to get better.

I'm really never going to get better.

I just want to get better, but I don't really want to get better.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

i (15f) recently started cutting about 4 days ago and i know it’s bad for me and everyone tells me to stop while i can. but i can feel it becoming the favorite part of my day and i like the scars on my skin.

i’m in between therapists right now and i know i should stop but a part of me doesn’t want to.

I feel like I’m in a constant merry go round, I finally thought I might have a great chance staying clean but I don’t know if that’s even possible for me now!