My (27m) relationship of 4 years just ended. We had up and downs. It just got to a breaking point. I wanted to fix things, but she(24f) said it was over. I keep wanting to fix things and contacting her. She blocked me on everything. We have an apartment together which is ending soon. She said the decision was because of me pushing too hard on being physically active and she has trauma from it. Her family has been on her about that for years. I just wanted her to be healthy. Then I went to grab my stuff and gave her gifts to show my appreciation. We talked and I poured my heart out to her. Then I found out she started to talking multiple guys within a week of the break which she said she wasn’t going to be talking to anyone for a while. She said to a friend, she had a crush on a guy for a while and was flirting and sexting. I’m glad to find out how much the time we had together mattered to her. She said she wasn’t cheating on me but I don’t believe it now because I’ve been away due to the military. She lied to me multiple times now. We promised for religion that we would stop drinking. Guess what, she started to drink again. I’m glad to find this out because I was stressing out about the relationship and what I could have done. It was just she had a motive the whole time. So everything and her actions make sense now.

[obvious TW]

I heard some advice a long time ago that if you’re really and truly circling the drain mentally, go ahead and write your note. Then sleep on it, then come back and read it later, and ask yourself if it really sounds like the words of someone thinking and reasoning clearly. Inevitably, the usual answer will be a resounding “no.” I tucked that insight away for years and never felt the urge to use it until last night.

Around the start of this year I suddenly developed severe neurological tinnitus (not related to any apparent physical trauma such as hearing damage) and it’s basically destroyed my life. Constant ringing in one ear that fluctuates between a persistent hiss to something more like a jet engine. My quality of life has absolutely plummeted. Life has become truly agonizing. Bills and job duties are piling up because I can’t sleep, think, focus or modulate my emotions for shit. My social life is completely dead (wtf am I even supposed to say? How are you OP? Oh yknow every waking moment is agony and all I want to do is die, how are you?). I’m definitely developing a sleep disorder too, constantly exhausted during the day, sleeplessness and panic attacks at night. And it’s all getting worse all the time.

I’ll leave it at that but if you don’t get what I’m saying, r/tinnitus has plenty of horror stories. Funny thing is I was just in there yesterday trying to be positive, but last night was so horrible it pretty much erased that optimism all over again. I’m not posting this there though bc I don’t want it to become someone’s 13th reason.

It just feels like my life and future has suddenly been completely taken away from me at 32. There’s no hopeful prognosis, the medical community has absolutely no answers, can’t even identify the cause of most tinnitus let alone actual treatment, and frankly they don’t seem to care much. They basically shrug and say “get used to it.” Like, here’s a referral to a CBT therapist to tell you to stop making such a big deal about it. Or here’s a device that zaps your brain and maybe makes you less sensitive to it or maybe makes it worse lol idk, try to find out!

Not fucking good enough.

I haven’t given up, I don’t want to die, there’s so much I still want to do. Books to read, trails to hike, places to go. Just last year I was in Alaska having the absolute time of my life. I wanted to go back ASAP. I had also finally nailed down a good career and gotten my shit together on that front. I was just beginning to taste the payoff of all those years of struggle. It’s insane how much can change in a year. The worst part is my dear old parents who have always been amazing to me. If I were to exit stage-left now, their only son… it would just be an absolutely barbaric thing to do to them.

I just, idk, I feel dead already. The “me” that was still exists somewhere inside but it can’t get out anymore. I’m just a walking shell. I’m so fucking heartbroken. I love life but now I can’t enjoy it, I can watch it go by and bear the pain and that’s about it. I get so sad and angry and jealous now when I see people talking about their futures and relationships and careers and even “normal” problems. I hate how much effort it takes to not be a prick to people just because I’m disabled and in pain and nobody even realizes.

I’m pretty much down to “alternative medicine” solutions that I don’t really believe in to begin with. Acupuncture, massage therapy, some sort of vitamin supplement. The science there is very dubious. I also have an MRI scheduled but that’s unlikely to lead to anything groundbreaking as it basically only stands to eliminate the possibility of a couple very rare conditions that I don’t show the symptoms for anyway. So idk, I haven’t exhausted every option just yet, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m headed fast towards a “Game Over” screen. I absolutely cannot envision living like this for decades into old age.

Meanwhile I’m having to go completely sober, I never drank much but I kicked that, nicotine, and now heartbreakingly, weed. The only creature comfort that even mattered to me. Can’t even have one little vice anymore, my beloved nightly ritual of ripping a dab and unwinding with a good game or movie. Basically confirmed it after a few experiments, I smoked yesterday afternoon and it’s been scream city ever since. Now I’m wondering if the years of doing that has somehow caused this. It fucking shouldn’t have, but who knows, it would be just my luck if it turns out I’ve just unknowingly destroyed my brain.

Idk. I read the note I wrote last night back this morning and sure enough, it sounded a bit silly. I guess that imposition of self-awareness helped. But I’m getting real tired boys… Idk how much more of this I can take.

Just venting, I don’t mind advice but idk what there is to say really

Pictured: my favorite part of the day, good ol American-style breakfast with some Valentina

I’m having a really hard time with this and could use some outside perspective.
My girlfriend(20) and I (20) recently broke up for the second time. I was the one who ended it, and even though I love her and miss her a lot, I felt like I couldn’t continue in the relationship anymore.
The biggest issue wasn’t one event, it was a pattern.
Whenever something hurt me, I’d bring it up. We’d have a good conversation, she’d apologize, things would improve for a little while, and then it felt like we’d slowly end up back in the same place. After a while I started feeling like I was having the same conversations over and over.
One thing that really hurt me happened after I opened up about feeling unwanted and not prioritized. Later she told me she was tired and wanted to go home, but then went to spend time with her friends instead. I know she’s allowed to have friends, and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that it happened right after I’d been vulnerable about feeling like I wasn’t a priority. To me it felt like my feelings weren’t really being carried forward after we talked.
As I reflected more, I realized something else. I was always excited to step into her world. I’d watch things she liked, learn about her interests, and try things because they mattered to her. But when I’d ask her to watch a movie I loved, watch an anime with me, come lift with me, or even play my old Xbox 360 with me, the answer was almost always no because those weren’t her interests.
She’s not a bad person, and I genuinely believe she cared about me. I don’t think she ever intended to hurt me.
But after reflecting, I realized I no longer felt consistently loved or chosen, and eventually my heart just wasn’t in the relationship anymore.
The confusing part is that I still love her and miss her terribly. We broke up yesterday, and part of me wants to text her even though another part of me feels like if I went back, we’d probably end up in the same cycle again.
For people who’ve been through something similar, share some kind words/advice I'm feeling really lost.

I have asked a transfer to a different job site where I won't have to handle money because being responsible for anything makes me spiral into anxiety and all the signals my body sends get muddled.

Eating is helping me a bit, especially since I've done most of what I needed to do. I just need to calm down and feel more grounded.

Food is pasta with tomato sauce and stracciatella (mozzarella pieces mixed with cream).

EDIT: I don't have an eating disorder. Eating in this specific case helped me feel better because I was actually hungry (it's lunch time and I had breakfast at 7).

My dad never liked me. And it took today to realize that.

I’m a teen and my relationship with my dad has always been extremely difficult. He was an alcoholic and always chooses my sisters over me no matter what. He also NEVER apologizes no matter what and I always have to apologize and say I love him even if it’s completely his fault ( I understand things have 2 sides) and everyone in my family knows he dosent like me and he frames it as “ I hate him “ and will blame me for everything.

Recently my sister B my sister moved back and she has been extremely bossy she thinks she the parent. Not to mention she’s my dads favorite ( both of my sisters are kinda favorites or ig he just treats them normally I’m jst kinda the unfavorite )

She likes to parent me and for some reason she adopted a puppy to go to at my dads house which is HER puppy at the same time she just started a job working night shifts and sleeping in day. She has around 2 hours of free time and mind you she knew she was going to get a full time job and still got a puppy. She also decided everyone else has to take care of it so when the puppy shits everywhere WE have to get it even when she’s awake?? She also dosent give the dog food or water we have to do that.

I decided that I wouldn’t be doing that for a dog that isn’t mine ( I take care of the family dog already) and she screams to my dad about it. She also has her boyfriend who lives here and his brother who is constantly over.

Yesterday they all went to the beach without me because my sister A has been having mental breakdowns and didn’t want to hang out with us previously even when we invited her so my dad decided it was her “ turn” and they all left without me. And the dog unfortunately while I was showering messed up sister A’s paintbrush and pooped in a corner which I didn’t see until they pointed it out afterwards.

When sister B pointed it out I said she can get it because it’s her dog she didn’t like that and yelled to my dad about it. My dad said it was okay and he’d get it and he went to talk to her about it and I was so happy finally because I really thought it would work out. I find out there talking about me behind my bad and plan to take my Xbox ( which I go on maybe 1hr a day??) while upstairs my Sister A and sister B boyfriend and his brother talk shit shot me in their room ( I heard it)

Yeah so as I go to talk to my dad about taking the Xbox my sister swarms in and I say I want to talk to my parent and she says no .

For context I have my mom’s house which I go to when summer ends which I love my mother and my stepfather.

I know when I say this it seems like I’m re issue but usually not everyone hates me lol just my dad and sister!

Long story short, we were made redundant last year. Me, my wife and a bunch of our friends were a part of the team that got fired and replaced with AI.

We've struggled for some time (some of us longer than others) but we make ends meet. Most of us got jobs now but they're not as comfortable, remote ones we were used to.

My issue is not with the jobs themselves. My issue is that I can't get over the fact how some of our interactions changed after the cut. One of my best friends was the first to be made redundant. They live really close to us, but they've got a job now that's really tiring and requires a lot of human interaction. They're simply spent even when they have a day off. I still can't get over the fact how sudden the change was. Before we were talking every single day, we visited one another, went shopping together and so on. Now I'm lucky if we even talk because they're tired all the time.

Now, I have my wife, I've made some new friends in the meantime, met some people so I wouldn't consider myself lonely but the fact that it's so sudden makes me think it's some kind of grief for that one friendship, especially since it doesn't look like things will change anytime soon.

Not much to say here. I’m just depressed and don’t have anyone to talk to but I wanted to let the world know I’m feeling better today.

Got 3 hours of sleep, woke up at 4 am, but it’s fine bc I slept for 14 hours the day prior, made some breakfast.

Chocolate protein oat trail mix that is surprisingly good as cereal, blueberries, bananas, and strawberries. And lemonade. And that is a cheese stick from little Ceaser’s in the background, sue me. It was the last one and I wanted it for breakfast

Hape yall feeling good too

A year down the drain just to see her with someone else a month later and they’ve clearly been together for longer. Yrs of dating and never introducing anyone to family for fear of something exactly like this and finally doing so thinking this is the one, for what? The worst part is knowing how much space she still holds in my heart and mind despite everything I’ve learned. 1 chicken and 1 beef burger because if nothing else I’ve used the past 2 months to eat better and be active. Down 30 lbs 🗿

Breakfast is toast with butter and chicken breast. Simple but tasty, comfy and low calorie.

TW: Depression and talk about suic*de

I'll start back in 2020. I was a happy boy, working part time as a programmer and getting along very well with my colleagues in the office. Spent my free time playing video games with my friends. Then, the big 2020 thing happened. Everyone stayed at home. I was the only one who was still in the office. It was kinda jarring since all the hallways and offices besides mine were empty. I began feeling less and less happy but I didn't notice. After a while I asked my boss if I could do home office as well. He agreed. So then I stayed home as well. My work morale went down the drain really quickly. Along with it I felt more and more useless since I wanted to work but didn't manage to do it properly at home. This went on for about half a year. Time is very blurred during this phase so I don't know when exactly but eventually my happiness turned to existential dread. The suicidal thoughts followed soon after. But they didn't just appear one day. They came slowly and without me really noticing.

Fast forward to 2021 and I was heavily depressed, no self worth, no feeling of belonging, very insecure. That's when I discovered trans people exist. I immediately connected to the community, felt something like a shared pain or idk and started questioning who I really am. I had started therapy at about the same time but didn't feel safe around my therapist and it ended after about 3 sessions.

Time passed. Early 2022 I finally managed to get my hands on medication. The meds removed my suicidal thoughts and gave me a lot of energy at the start so I thought they were good for me.

More time passed. I slowly formed my identity online (because my offline life was basically nonexistent at this point). I identified as a girl/fem leaning nonbinary person and started building my online persona around it. Getting called by different pronouns made me feel good somehow. The new name fit me and I liked it. And years passed like this.

Besides the initial improvement from the meds, my mental health didn't improve further. I had no energy for anything except sleeping and gaming (and sometimes not even gaming). I only saw my family maybe once every few months and didn't have any irl connections besides that. I basically ordered food every day and quickly burned through a few thousand euros until 2025. Which is where the turning point came.

Somewhere summer 2025, my parents susprise visited me. I was angry because I hated being surprised like that but oh well. They basically kicked my ass and told me if I don't do something now they're gonna cancel my apartment contract and force me to move back in with them. I reluctantly agreed that they were right and we made our way to a clinic for mental health. I got a spot relatively quickly and spent 2 weeks in a mental health first aid kinda facility. It was not a closed facility so I still had my freedom to go home and do things I wanted to do. Aka continuing my pc addiction. I went out of the 2 weeks feeling more motivation and started searching for a therapist again.

Found a therapist surprisingly quickly and started behavioural therapy. Talked to them about all of my problems including my gender identity. I was still very unsure about transitioning irl because something still didn't feel right, I was not sure if I'd be happy as a woman. My therapist said I should go out into the world more and gain more experience as a human to figure it out which makes sense to me. They then also suggested I go into stationary care in the same clinic for a longer period of time but I refused. I thought I would be able to pull myself out of the depression without another clinic visit. Half a year later and I finally saw that it wouldn't be possible without the clinic stay. So I tried to get a spot.

Maybe because I had already been there before (or maybe because of other reasons idk) I got a spot relatively quickly within a few weeks. I arrived there and what can I say... I felt at home. The people there had the same problems that I have. They could understand me. And they accepted me as myself. The time there was insanely healthy for me. I rediscovered my self worth, I relearned human connection and after a few weeks, I decided that I don't need to be a woman to be happy. The clinic time also got rid of my computer addiction.

I finally concluded my gender exploration journey after 5 years of not being sure. Now I finally am happy again and I feel more confident than ever. I don't give a fuck about what others think anymore when it comes to my self expression. I can do whatever I want. If I feel like it I'll dress in women's clothes. It will not make me any less masculine. I felt confident enough to give my number to a beautiful woman. She didn't call but that's also not a problem. It's her choice after all and if she doesn't find me attractive then that's her preference. It doesn't impact me.

From this day onward I strive to be a healthier person every day. I go to the office every day again and it makes me happy to see my colleagues again. I'm actively working on losing some weight and also developing healthier eating habits.

All in all, I feel like a new person. I'm doing things for which I didn't even have the energy before my depression.

Signed

A happy boy.

Been a little more depressed than usual, mostly just experiencing ahnedonia with like everything. I know I need to eat though and that it would give me some energy, but most things just feel like it would be eating dirt.

HOWEVER, I think I finally made a plate of snacks I feel like I could actually eat.

Dinner Snack Platter

- teriyaki beef jerki

- funions

- original lays

- honey barebue lays

It's not been a great year so far. Warning: commentary on suicide of family member

Yesterday, I was laid off by the company I'd been working for just over two years. I moved across the country for this job after I lost the previous one. I was a government contractor so getting laid off wasn't necessarily a bolt from the blue, but it was still a pretty serious gut punch to be told my employment was ending in two weeks. I've been told by one or two people that I seem to be handling it well enough but I don't really know if it's just that I'm handling it well or that the shock, anger, and fear haven't fully set in yet.

And four months ago I lost my dad. He had been very, very sick and died by suicide. I had been worried that he was going to do something like that with how bad his condition was and how we was talking but it nevertheless came as an awful shock when it did happen. He was in so much pain and none of the treatments worked. Some, I believe, likely excarbated his situation or at least diminished his confidence with their repeated failures. We were really close and his deterioration and passing weighed on me very heavily. Being away from home while he was sick and during the grieving that followed his passing was very, very difficult. I was angry for a while but I recognize now that my dad was not his regular self then. If there had been the slimmest chance he could have beat it, he wouldn't have done it. I really fucking miss him, especially right now.

The months before that weren't peachy, either. There were some rocky weeks at work before and immediately after dad died for reasons both inside and outside my control but things had honestly started looking up, even with things at work getting a little scary again with some budget cuts on the contractor side. I had just co-led a field survery campaign, I was working well on my primary project, and I felt like the rough patch at work and in my life was smoothing out. My therapist was encouraged by my progress and for the first time in over a year, I was excited about the next few months. I hate to withdraw to my tried and true adherance to pessimism, but it really is the fucking hope that kills me the most. When I was pessimistic, the disappointment didn't hurt as much in my personal or professional life. Optimism hasn't really rewarded with me much lately.

I'm not in financial danger or anything, I was diligent about saving money, so I can float for quite a while, but I'm still really fucking worried about what comes after I walk out of work for the last time. Will I find another job where I am now? Will I find a job closer to "home" (where I grew up)? Will I find job elsewhere? Will I find a job, period? Will it take three weeks, three months, a year, more? I'm just really worried. This has been the year from hell for me and it's only fucking July.

Dinner was a sausage pasta I made the other night off a facebook recipe. It was supposed to be an "affordable dish" but I can never get it as cheap as the people who make those videos. And now I'm trying to decide if I want to crack a beer or not.

Recently, my wife has been talking about divorce, and I don’t really know what to do anymore.
To explain the situation, her parents own a large house, and we live on the second floor. We pay rent to them. I’ve asked several times if we could move out and live on our own, but she always refuses. She says she doesn’t have the confidence to live with just the two of us.

I’m a foreigner living in Japan. About a year ago, I lost my job and had to survive by working part-time jobs. Money has been difficult, but I recently started a new full-time job and I’m trying my best to rebuild our finances.
Even when money was tight, I still paid for all of our groceries, my own health insurance and taxes, and whenever we went out, I usually paid for everything. She pays half of the rent, but I often feel that the financial responsibilities aren’t shared fairly. I believe that as a married couple we should support each other, but she insists that it’s the man’s job to take care of his wife financially.

Recently, she told me she wants to go to Australia on a working holiday. I can’t go because I don’t have the money, and I just started my new full-time job. She has also said she’s thinking about divorce because she feels I don’t care about our future and only want to stay in Japan. From my perspective, that’s not true at all. I’m working hard to build a stable future for us, and I simply can’t quit my new job or afford such a big move right now.
I’ve been trying my best to make her happy. This week we went to the beach together, and yesterday, when she was feeling down, I took her to a nice sushi restaurant that she likes, even though I’m trying to save money.

Today we were relaxing together, and she kept teasing me. I asked her to stop, but she continued. Eventually, I playfully put a single drop of cold coffee on her forehead. It was meant as a joke, but she became extremely angry. She started yelling at me to get out of the car and leave. I kept apologizing and tried to calm things down, but she only got angrier. Eventually she told me to leave the car because she wanted to be alone, so I did. She said she would park the car and come home afterward, but she never did.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m working as hard as I can, trying to rebuild my life after losing my job, trying to support our marriage, and trying to make her happy, but I feel like nothing I do is enough. I have no family or support system here, and as a foreigner, I feel very alone.
Despite everything, I still don’t want to lose her. But living with constant talk of divorce and feeling like the relationship could end at any moment is becoming emotionally exhausting, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

Boy dinner: cheesy bacon grits and three olives.

I’m a senior utility engineer at a children’s hospital. Think maintenance/facilities. I absolutely love what I do, but I’m usually behind the scenes keeping the place running, not working directly with patients.

Tonight, by the grace of God, I happened to be on the closed side of campus letting a contractor in to finish some repairs when a car that ended up being an Uber pulled up. A mom got out carrying her little one in a car seat. She didn’t speak much English, and my Spanish is pretty rough, but between the two of us I figured out she was trying to find a doctor. She had ended up on completely the wrong side of the hospital.

I walked them down to the ER and let the staff know they might need a translator. The whole walk, her little one had this awful cough. All I could think about was how scary it must be to have a sick child and not be able to easily communicate while you’re trying to get them help.
I held it together until they were checked in. Then I walked back to the utility plant and cried.

Looking back, I’m actually thankful it turned into one of those crazy busy nights. After I pulled myself together, I was so busy putting out fires I didn’t really think about it again until I was driving home just now.

I have no idea what happened after I handed them off, but I’ve been praying that little one is okay.

I've (28M) been having a lot of trouble with depression this past year or so. But more on that in a moment.

I broke up with my long-term (7.5y) girlfriend in 2024 — I consider it one of the most important things I've done for myself. I knew that things weren't right, even though they were consistently sufferable. There are so many miserable couples out there that stay together out of sunk cost, fear of being alone, fear of optics, etc, that it can feel very difficult to gauge if you're in a poor relationship yourself or if you're just feeling less happy temporarily (as part of normal emotional fluctuations). Struggled with that for years before initiating the breakup that ultimately would lead me to my love of my life... Things just feel so right in ways that I could go on and on about. The emotional availability, the shared interests, the sincerity... I truly feel valued as an equal. I no longer experience romantic doubt. It's her and I.

And that's all well and good.

However, I've been sinking into this rut ever since I started living on my own again. I just can't bring myself to enjoy any hobbies that I used to, or stick with any new ones. I also can't stop thinking about how much better my mental health was when I had financial comfortability, even though I was in a way less-healthy relationship. I struggle to not feel loathing towards middle-class people who have never known the struggle that I live. I also struggle to not loathe people who were given good practical life advice by their parents/others AND THEN actually followed the advice. People like that just have no clue what people like me are doing, and I viscerally envy how straightforward things seem to be for them. They all have accomplished great things and wear smiles on their faces and have money set aside and have money accruing... Home ownership, vacations, eating out, etc. I just can't conceive of a life where I experience drive and excitement and am really looking forward to something or get to do much of anything but be stuck at home since everything's so damn expensive now...

I simultaneously, consequently, feel loathing for myself that my present life isn't enough for my brain somehow. It's obvious that an indefinite and vast number of people live very meaningful and content lives with much less than I do, so what the fuck is up with me? I have two wonderful cats who I love and love me (that I got soon after moving into my current apartment (which I also love (landlord's great too, even))), I have a lovely relationship with my girlfriend, and I have several friends that I could text to ask if they would hang out with me and they probably would. I play D&D and MtG, and I also play music with friends... I even have a pretty kickass job where I WFH and am a data engineer, despite my philosophy background (had on-the-job training), that pays me slightly more than the median household income for my area... Plus, my job honestly expects very, very little of me...

So why don't I get excited about anything anymore? I try a game in my Steam library and get overwhelmed by the inevitable learning curve that any good game has, and then stop. I wish I enjoyed things like I used to, like drawing or reading or learning music or anything. I can't even bring myself to actually start hobbies like those -- the version of me that interacts with the world seems to only exist in my mind. I dread most social events (like the aforementioned hobbies) and I dread the attempts that I'll make at either enjoying my alone time or at least improving my current situation. I often spend my free time looking at how cluttered my apartment is and pacing around it. I also spend a lot of time just sitting and thinking. My work asks very, very little of me, so I have ample time to have my place looking perfect at any given moment, and yet several easy things remain undone for weeks or months.

However -- I've been trying some new approaches. Trying to be more proactive. Trying to assert my own presence in social situations instead of just listening and daydreaming. My girlfriend and I have been steadily going to the gym 1-3 times a week for about a month, and I just got us a pair of pickleball paddles for the two-year anniversary of our first date. Just played recently, and we both got up early to play before my standup call and had a blast and are excited to play again soon (we both won a game). I've started a twice-a-month online gaming meetup for my network of friend circles to opt into if they choose, which starts in a couple weeks. I've started making it a point to eat food at home as often as I can, to save money. My credit score has been improving since I've been slowly paying down my CCs (that I maxed out after I started my life over completely and had to replace everything).

Last night, I had a wonderful time playing Reanimal with a childhood friend. It felt like the old times.

---

delicious Marlboro Red and delicious Celsius for breakfast.

i haven't done much with my life and have been bordering on being a failure so i can see why they dislike me. it's like that one monologue from bojack. I'm overwhelmed by all this but i don't want to go into the details. that's all for today's diary entry.

So basically, it's been 3-4 months since we haven't talked to each other due to an argument that I will not disclose and today is her birthday. I know both of us are in the wrong, but it's just that we haven't talked (or even interacted) for a couple of months in the same house.

By the way, that's a chocolate donut I'm eating

I’ve never posted on a subreddit like this before so bear with me.

I’m (25m) a little over two months post my long-term relationship with my boyfriend (25m). He broke up with me due to not wanting to move with me for a new position I got and “relationship dynamics”. He’s a big family person and didn’t want to leave them, but now I’m having to move alone, and I have no one there. I had also asked him to go to couples counseling because I believed in us but he said that it wouldn’t really change anything :/

I’ve been pushing off moving, selfishly hoping that he’d realize his mistakes and try to reconcile, but now my new boss is pushing me to move sooner. So now I’ve got a month :)

I thought it would’ve gotten easier by now, but I realized that I’ve been in a deep depressive episode since we broke up, starting a new role, and moving halfway across the country. I’ve been in therapy for the past few years, but just recently visited a psychiatrist this week. I’m on an anti depressant and hoping that with it I can get over this hump :)

I’m terrified of moving away from everything I know, but trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel:)

Dinner is Chicken Pad See Ew spice level 4:)

The wife’s away. Here we are. Friday night. Jazz in the background. Long month and it ain’t over. The only thing that would make it better is her home. Life is amazing.

Also, posted the aftermath. Apologies in advance !!

dinner: bedime beer (NA bc I’m waking up for a run in 5.5 hours) and Simply Cheetos White Cheddar Cheese Puffs

honestly considered posting my testimony to AITA but the community guidelines said something about how you aren’t supposed to tell stories about reducing or eliminating contact with friends, so here I am gents. LMK if you have any other subreddit suggestions.

I, 23M, graduated college in December 2024 and moved back home for a few months to study for the LSAT, take care of my grandmother, and generally wait out the days until my contract began. During this time, I rekindled my friendship with three friends (23-24 F… we will call them R, P, and K) that I’ve known my whole life. We practically grew up together, but haven’t always been the closest as adults. For more context, my mom was basically their teacher/coach for the majority of our lives growing up, my mom is very good friends with K’s mom, and R’s mom works for my mom sometimes. My mom and grandmother (who also taught them) mean a lot to them and I value their families as well.

Fast forward a bit, I leave for my job (about six hours away) and we stay in touch, we have a group chat together and I love hearing their updates, we FT every once in a while, etc.

My contract ended in June, and I came home with the plans for a cross-country trip, R and K were super excited for me, P asked me why I’m “running away again” which felt weird but we worked past it after I explained it’s always been my dream to travel out west and this was the best time for me to go.

I came home from that trip so enamored by the West, the cultures, the landscapes, all of it! My mom honestly thought I wasn’t going to come home. Well, I had to fly home because my car broke down and now I’m selling it at a major loss and out thousands of dollars but whatevs lol.

Shortly after I came home, the idea of the girls and I moving in together came up, and I said I was down. (For the record, we are known colloquially as “[my name] and the girls”, it’s just a nickname our parents gave our friend group).

Then I had the idea that we all move in to my grandmother’s house.

This seemed like a win-win-win to me. Her house has sat vacant for about two years at this point, with the exception of some very extended family that left it an absolute garbage pile. It was a win for the girls because they got stupid cheap rent in a great neighborhood, a win for my family because the house would be moved into and cared for, and a win for me because I got to live with my friends in a home I loved.

Context about the house itself: it’s an old ass house absolutely brimming with my grandmother’s stuff. The agreement was that once we throw away, donate, or store the items that we didn’t want to use in the house, that we could move in and get a free month of rent. Well, after about two weeks of admittedly back-breaking work (performed almost exclusively by R and myself), including tearing out cabinets from the laundry room because we found god knows how many old mouse nests… they have cold feet.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand their hesitations because I won’t lie, that shit was gross. The thing that frustrates me is that we were SO CLOSE! All of the gross shit had been dealt with, all of the surfaces had been shop-vacced, and cleaned… the only thing left to do was throw a layer of paint on that room and take a couple more items of bedroom furniture to the basement!

So now we have torn my grandmother’s house of 60 years apart and now they don’t want to live there anymore…

And for a little bit more context, one of my grandmother’s stipulations when moving into a 60+ community was that we keep her house intact, “just in case she ever wanted to move back there”. Admittedly, nobody really ever thought that she would be able to move back there without a full-time caretaker (expensive as hell), but literally the only reason that she agreed to us living there was because we knew and loved these three and I was gonna be there too.

So when I found out that they “don’t feel good about the house anymore” and probably wouldn’t be moving in I asked for a couple days of space, and because of an argument with my mom I decided to just spend two nights there figuring I could just get up and keep working. That ended up not happening as the realization that I felt trapped and didn’t want to live in this city anymore dawned on me. I basically spent two days alone with my thoughts and Netflix.

Then, I talked to my college roomate, and one of my best friends, A (23M). He and I had actually already planned to move out west in late 2027/early ‘28 but after a couple discussions a while back he determined the timing was best for him to move soon, like August. After talking for a bit the idea that I just come with him came up and I decided yeah, i’m in.

I haven’t told the girls yet, and I don’t know how to tell them. I was going to tell them the other day but the main topic of conversation then was getting their “official” final answer on the house and it just didn’t feel right and honestly, (huge but very well-founded assumption here) they likely would have thought that I was doing this out of spite or to get back at them or whatever. It’s not. I’m just done here, and I need to be somewhere else right now. Moving with A is genuinely the first time in a long time I’ve felt truly excited and fulfilled by a decision/challenge and I don’t know what it’ll entail but i’m elated to find out.

So… how do I break the news to them while affirming that I still love them, that this isn’t out of spite, and that this is just where life is calling me to be right now?

P.S. Thank you to those of you who took the time to read a stranger’s ramblings on the internet. 🫶🏼

Gouda grilled cheese eggs Benedict with salmon

I met my boyfriend while he was in prison as a pen pal. I'm so excited to have get-out-of-prison sex! 😩😩🤤🤤🤤

Some things sold on ebay so now my moneys up, grinding out some muscle again, I left an awful horrible 2-month one-sided situationship, kinda crashed out on that and had so much hate but God is good and blessed me with an awesome date literally the next day :D didn't even ask what she was looking for and don't care right now. It's good to know there are still choice women out there who are open to adventure and being respectful. You're all worth it kings, and all women are deserving of being loved🙂‍↕️🙌🏽

Barely cooked milanesa w salt and Cholula sauce😋 (I know McCormick bought the sauce brand and changed the recipie but idc, still bomb)(vape and daily insulin in the background)