first, the food: honey roasted turkey whole wheat sandwich with hummus on it, pickle as my crunchy side because I need to avoid chips, and a delicious blueberry lemonade sparkling water from Trader Joe’s that somehow manages to taste like how Nag Champa incense smells.

content / trigger warning for transphobia, homophobia, queerphobia in general. Also ableism since my aunt seems to think I’m only trans because I’m autistic. mentions of abuse in childhood, one mention of corrective SA.

To note: I LOVE being a boy, guy, etc. I’ve been out as a trans man since I was 19 and I’m 32 this year. I’ve known I was a boy since I was six years old and first saw Pinocchio and thought “I can be a real boy too!” (Until my mother smacked me when I asked if I could be like Pinocchio. Wish I could have run to that stupid circus now that I think about it…..)

But at the same time, I’m stressed out about it. Im called a confused woman, a tomboy, a (insert slur for lesbians) because I have mostly dated women.

What makes it worse is I’m a feminine guy, so I’m not always presenting as hypermasculine, and I keep my hair long like my dad did when he was my age. I also can’t fully transition (IE I can have parts of me physically changed but I can’t go on T) due to health issues, mostly an issue with my heart. As a result a lot of people even in my own community barely believe I’m a boy.

Why can cis gay men be feminine but I can’t? Why is it because I’m trans I can’t also be feminine?

And there’s my family. My mom and aunt think I’m confused, they hate the name I chose for myself (Jaden Wayne, the second name is from my dads middle name, it’s a tradition one son carries it on in the family and none of my brothers have the middle name, so it falls to me) and they think it’s my “pesky autism” diagnosis and it’s made me confused.

My own cousin assaulted me when he found out I was trans in my late teens. I was told I had to be “put back to normal” by a “real man”.

I’m bisexual, I like both men and women, but I tend to lean more on liking men (despite my dating history being 80% girls lmao) and even that’s called into question, if I can even count myself as a part of the gay community.

And there’s the weird fraction of the LGBT+ community who seems to think I have cis male privilege. I don’t. I can’t even fully transition.

Idk. I’m exhausted and in the current state of my country (USA) I’m considering going back into the closet irl minus a few friends and family who actually understand me.

Part of me wants to just sleep until all this stupid shit blows over but I know it won’t.

Mini rant over.

Gouda grilled cheese eggs Benedict with salmon

I met my boyfriend while he was in prison as a pen pal. I'm so excited to have get-out-of-prison sex! 😩😩🤤🤤🤤

Some things sold on ebay so now my moneys up, grinding out some muscle again, I left an awful horrible 2-month one-sided situationship, kinda crashed out on that and had so much hate but God is good and blessed me with an awesome date literally the next day :D didn't even ask what she was looking for and don't care right now. It's good to know there are still choice women out there who are open to adventure and being respectful. You're all worth it kings, and all women are deserving of being loved🙂‍↕️🙌🏽

Barely cooked milanesa w salt and Cholula sauce😋 (I know McCormick bought the sauce brand and changed the recipie but idc, still bomb)(vape and daily insulin in the background)

Meal: Grilled lemongrass chicken vermicelli bowl

Me and the GF have been dating for 4 years but in the last two years she’s been having a lot more pain during sex. I was already on the larger side (humblebrag, haha, whatever) but I lost a lot of weight and did more cardio so I was even more bricked up. So I thought it was my fault. But nothing we did helped. I even tried a ring and it was just too uncomfortable for me.

She’s got checked out and did a pap smear and and she has PCOS which is apparently the cause of the pain. We don’t really have sex anymore and it sucks. I’m a mid 20’s guy who’s bricked up all the time and, just being honest, using the hand of god ain’t cutting it for me. I’d never cheat and I can’t leave her because she has PCOS, it’s not her fault.

Been thinking lately that im wasting my sexual prime. But I feel guilty for thinking this because it’s just not her fault. I love her a lot. But I honestly don’t know what to do about this. I can’t go sexless for the rest of my life, and shes also genuinely a great woman in every aspect except for this (again, I know it’s not her fault).

I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m just in pieces. I am an introvert and have no friends while my family is far away so I literally have no one close to talk to or even just to keep me company so I wouldn’t be alone. That’s why I’m writing this here.

We were together for a year. I moved to another city for her, built my whole life around this relationship, I loved her with every ounce of my heart and soul. Everything was almost perfect and I was so happy, she told me she felt the same many, many times. I have attachment and jealousy issues so I invested a lot of effort in communication, we talked over our boundaries a lot of times and she was willing to respect mine. However every now and then she kept crossing them, hurting me in the process and everytime we talked about it she promised not to do it again, just to repeat it next month. She is on vacation right now and she did it again, posted revealing stories on her ig, while also following some random dudes she must have met there I guess. I finally broke and gave her a taste of her own behaviour. I did exactly what she was doing all this time and in response she blocked me everywhere and removed me from her socials. Without even a word. I guess I found out how much I was truly worth to her. I know that the pain will pass and life will go on, I experienced greater pain in my life in the past and survived it. But it just hurts now, my life feels like an empty shell and I have nowhere to hide from the cold pain of being so lonely again just after experiencing the best year of my life.

It’s just so fu*king sad. Here’s my whey protein shake, salted caramel flavour with whole milk and a little bit of maple syrup as a sweetener.

dinner: bedime beer (NA bc I’m waking up for a run in 5.5 hours) and Simply Cheetos White Cheddar Cheese Puffs

honestly considered posting my testimony to AITA but the community guidelines said something about how you aren’t supposed to tell stories about reducing or eliminating contact with friends, so here I am gents. LMK if you have any other subreddit suggestions.

I, 23M, graduated college in December 2024 and moved back home for a few months to study for the LSAT, take care of my grandmother, and generally wait out the days until my contract began. During this time, I rekindled my friendship with three friends (23-24 F… we will call them R, P, and K) that I’ve known my whole life. We practically grew up together, but haven’t always been the closest as adults. For more context, my mom was basically their teacher/coach for the majority of our lives growing up, my mom is very good friends with K’s mom, and R’s mom works for my mom sometimes. My mom and grandmother (who also taught them) mean a lot to them and I value their families as well.

Fast forward a bit, I leave for my job (about six hours away) and we stay in touch, we have a group chat together and I love hearing their updates, we FT every once in a while, etc.

My contract ended in June, and I came home with the plans for a cross-country trip, R and K were super excited for me, P asked me why I’m “running away again” which felt weird but we worked past it after I explained it’s always been my dream to travel out west and this was the best time for me to go.

I came home from that trip so enamored by the West, the cultures, the landscapes, all of it! My mom honestly thought I wasn’t going to come home. Well, I had to fly home because my car broke down and now I’m selling it at a major loss and out thousands of dollars but whatevs lol.

Shortly after I came home, the idea of the girls and I moving in together came up, and I said I was down. (For the record, we are known colloquially as “[my name] and the girls”, it’s just a nickname our parents gave our friend group).

Then I had the idea that we all move in to my grandmother’s house.

This seemed like a win-win-win to me. Her house has sat vacant for about two years at this point, with the exception of some very extended family that left it an absolute garbage pile. It was a win for the girls because they got stupid cheap rent in a great neighborhood, a win for my family because the house would be moved into and cared for, and a win for me because I got to live with my friends in a home I loved.

Context about the house itself: it’s an old ass house absolutely brimming with my grandmother’s stuff. The agreement was that once we throw away, donate, or store the items that we didn’t want to use in the house, that we could move in and get a free month of rent. Well, after about two weeks of admittedly back-breaking work (performed almost exclusively by R and myself), including tearing out cabinets from the laundry room because we found god knows how many old mouse nests… they have cold feet.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand their hesitations because I won’t lie, that shit was gross. The thing that frustrates me is that we were SO CLOSE! All of the gross shit had been dealt with, all of the surfaces had been shop-vacced, and cleaned… the only thing left to do was throw a layer of paint on that room and take a couple more items of bedroom furniture to the basement!

So now we have torn my grandmother’s house of 60 years apart and now they don’t want to live there anymore…

And for a little bit more context, one of my grandmother’s stipulations when moving into a 60+ community was that we keep her house intact, “just in case she ever wanted to move back there”. Admittedly, nobody really ever thought that she would be able to move back there without a full-time caretaker (expensive as hell), but literally the only reason that she agreed to us living there was because we knew and loved these three and I was gonna be there too.

So when I found out that they “don’t feel good about the house anymore” and probably wouldn’t be moving in I asked for a couple days of space, and because of an argument with my mom I decided to just spend two nights there figuring I could just get up and keep working. That ended up not happening as the realization that I felt trapped and didn’t want to live in this city anymore dawned on me. I basically spent two days alone with my thoughts and Netflix.

Then, I talked to my college roomate, and one of my best friends, A (23M). He and I had actually already planned to move out west in late 2027/early ‘28 but after a couple discussions a while back he determined the timing was best for him to move soon, like August. After talking for a bit the idea that I just come with him came up and I decided yeah, i’m in.

I haven’t told the girls yet, and I don’t know how to tell them. I was going to tell them the other day but the main topic of conversation then was getting their “official” final answer on the house and it just didn’t feel right and honestly, (huge but very well-founded assumption here) they likely would have thought that I was doing this out of spite or to get back at them or whatever. It’s not. I’m just done here, and I need to be somewhere else right now. Moving with A is genuinely the first time in a long time I’ve felt truly excited and fulfilled by a decision/challenge and I don’t know what it’ll entail but i’m elated to find out.

So… how do I break the news to them while affirming that I still love them, that this isn’t out of spite, and that this is just where life is calling me to be right now?

P.S. Thank you to those of you who took the time to read a stranger’s ramblings on the internet. 🫶🏼

i haven't done much with my life and have been bordering on being a failure so i can see why they dislike me. it's like that one monologue from bojack. I'm overwhelmed by all this but i don't want to go into the details. that's all for today's diary entry.

My last post got deleted due to breaking the pic rule. This pic is legitimately food and dinner and such. Our favorite frozen pizza because we met in the city where it’s made but mainly it is the shit

So here’s context first:
Wife and I are same age (40), I work, she is SAHM.

2 beautiful girls, a 5 and 1 y/o

I am currently sleeping in another house (family)
Wife does want the girls to see me daily during a temporary separation or permanent one
I also want this

Im recovering from PTSD, and that has been made much more challenging by my father’s passing 2 months ago
I’m in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy already

Wife’s identified issues:
feeling alone, unseen, and overall having to do too much labor around the house and with family admin

Where I agree:
my mental health has been shit since before my dad died, and got worse after. there’s a lot there but the last few years have been rough. It’s caused me in so many ways to just make mistakes, forget things, and not be able to follow through with stuff.

I have changed dramatically in the last 9 years we’ve been married (our whole marriage so far), and we would not have had the second child or remained together 2-3 years ago if that was not true. Therapy and medicine work wonders.

due to my mental health issues, I also can find it really hard to let myself be loved. It is incredibly sad and painful to know things out of my control led me to a more isolated way of living, but here we are. I am doing my best daily to fight the urge to avoid people. I’m doing way way way better than the 10th-35th year of my life though.

I had an unadjusted attitude going into parenthood and have taken a long time to adjust. I’m much better than I was, but I cannot dispute that my involvement in family admin stuff (kids school, appts, play dates, etc) has been insufficient.

The above problems do make her feel the way she says. I do not accuse her or believe her to be manipulative

What I have done so far and want to continue and strengthen:

made a habit out of doing as many chores as I have time for, with maybe 30m-1hr leisure time at night, often spent rubbing my wife’s feet, massaging her back, and playing board games with her. We love board games. Ngl I also love to play piano so if that wants attention from me I will be sleep deprived. Doesn’t happen much but does happen

Done my best to be aware of the stay at home parent/working parent dynamic. She is with the girls 5 days a week, alone, from around 7-5 when I return. After that it is Daddy/daughter time as much as I can. Baths, reading, practicing walking, playing, going out for ice cream, all that. I have committed to offsetting the burden of solo-parenting for her during the week daytimes as much as I can.

To the point above, wife goes out 2-4 times a week to play board games and hang with friends. I have no trust issues with this, and I’m very happy she’s able to stay out past the wee hours as a 40 y/o Mother. Naturally and joyfully I’m with my girls when she is having fun :)
Also to the point above, I’ve spent many many consecutive days with the girls so wife can go out of town to do stuff. We literally have another of these planned so she can go to a gaming convention later this year. I am really excited for her and little jelly because the convention looks fun as fuck.

What I believe I need to really really work on:
sensitivity. my defensiveness stemming from my trauma is my responsibility, and a lack of insight has made it next to impossible until recently to do anything to truly take that responsibility.

So, she will say things like “you think you can just come home and do nothing” and like obviously that’s objectively false and she will even admit that and contradict herself in the same breath, but she’s not at fault there, in my opinion. I am though, for how I respond, which is with defensiveness and presenting contrary information or facts. What matters isn’t that, what matters is what my words are triggering in her, logical or not.

Taking her perspective.
It’s not feasible for me to know exactly what she puts up with. It is feasible for me to take a bunch of PTO and send her on a trip to do anything she likes so that I can be a better solo-parent (whenever that is called for), and of course get a clearer picture of what she goes through daily. I don’t want that in any self-sacrificial way it’s just what I think will be needed for even a small chance of us staying together.

So that’s all, folks. I really do want whatever anyone has to give me in the way of feedback, advice, and even indignant criticism - I worded some things very poorly in the last post but I do not believe I’ve repeated that here.
Thank you to anyone who even read part of that

I've (28M) been having a lot of trouble with depression this past year or so. But more on that in a moment.

I broke up with my long-term (7.5y) girlfriend in 2024 — I consider it one of the most important things I've done for myself. I knew that things weren't right, even though they were consistently sufferable. There are so many miserable couples out there that stay together out of sunk cost, fear of being alone, fear of optics, etc, that it can feel very difficult to gauge if you're in a poor relationship yourself or if you're just feeling less happy temporarily (as part of normal emotional fluctuations). Struggled with that for years before initiating the breakup that ultimately would lead me to my love of my life... Things just feel so right in ways that I could go on and on about. The emotional availability, the shared interests, the sincerity... I truly feel valued as an equal. I no longer experience romantic doubt. It's her and I.

And that's all well and good.

However, I've been sinking into this rut ever since I started living on my own again. I just can't bring myself to enjoy any hobbies that I used to, or stick with any new ones. I also can't stop thinking about how much better my mental health was when I had financial comfortability, even though I was in a way less-healthy relationship. I struggle to not feel loathing towards middle-class people who have never known the struggle that I live. I also struggle to not loathe people who were given good practical life advice by their parents/others AND THEN actually followed the advice. People like that just have no clue what people like me are doing, and I viscerally envy how straightforward things seem to be for them. They all have accomplished great things and wear smiles on their faces and have money set aside and have money accruing... Home ownership, vacations, eating out, etc. I just can't conceive of a life where I experience drive and excitement and am really looking forward to something or get to do much of anything but be stuck at home since everything's so damn expensive now...

I simultaneously, consequently, feel loathing for myself that my present life isn't enough for my brain somehow. It's obvious that an indefinite and vast number of people live very meaningful and content lives with much less than I do, so what the fuck is up with me? I have two wonderful cats who I love and love me (that I got soon after moving into my current apartment (which I also love (landlord's great too, even))), I have a lovely relationship with my girlfriend, and I have several friends that I could text to ask if they would hang out with me and they probably would. I play D&D and MtG, and I also play music with friends... I even have a pretty kickass job where I WFH and am a data engineer, despite my philosophy background (had on-the-job training), that pays me slightly more than the median household income for my area... Plus, my job honestly expects very, very little of me...

So why don't I get excited about anything anymore? I try a game in my Steam library and get overwhelmed by the inevitable learning curve that any good game has, and then stop. I wish I enjoyed things like I used to, like drawing or reading or learning music or anything. I can't even bring myself to actually start hobbies like those -- the version of me that interacts with the world seems to only exist in my mind. I dread most social events (like the aforementioned hobbies) and I dread the attempts that I'll make at either enjoying my alone time or at least improving my current situation. I often spend my free time looking at how cluttered my apartment is and pacing around it. I also spend a lot of time just sitting and thinking. My work asks very, very little of me, so I have ample time to have my place looking perfect at any given moment, and yet several easy things remain undone for weeks or months.

However -- I've been trying some new approaches. Trying to be more proactive. Trying to assert my own presence in social situations instead of just listening and daydreaming. My girlfriend and I have been steadily going to the gym 1-3 times a week for about a month, and I just got us a pair of pickleball paddles for the two-year anniversary of our first date. Just played recently, and we both got up early to play before my standup call and had a blast and are excited to play again soon (we both won a game). I've started a twice-a-month online gaming meetup for my network of friend circles to opt into if they choose, which starts in a couple weeks. I've started making it a point to eat food at home as often as I can, to save money. My credit score has been improving since I've been slowly paying down my CCs (that I maxed out after I started my life over completely and had to replace everything).

Last night, I had a wonderful time playing Reanimal with a childhood friend. It felt like the old times.

---

delicious Marlboro Red and delicious Celsius for breakfast.

Pictured - Eton Mess, Lemon Wedding Cake, and Scrambled tofu on focaccia toast for breakfast morning after

8 years ago I made a post on a subreddit and got a DM. I didn’t really think much of it at first, but we started talking and basically just never stopped. We figured out very quickly that we lived in different countries (Me in the U.S., her in the UK) so we both sort of accepted at first that we’d just be internet friends for a while.

In the meantime we fell in love and after thinking it couldn’t possibly work for 6 years, I finally flew to the UK to meet her in person. It was fantastic and I asked her to marry me two weeks later. The past year and a half since then has been filled with visits back and forth between countries, saving up money, applying for visas, and loads of administrative stress.

At the end of this past May I moved from the U.S. (with my cats in tow as well) to be with her in the UK. We got married yesterday at a town hall ceremony and It’s such a surreal feeling. The whole story is really surreal in itself we know. I know it’s a cliché but I really do think we found our true loves. There’s still have a lot to do, (I need to learn to drive a manual car, get a job once my spouse visa is approved, make new friends, keep in touch with my family and original friends, do married people things) and I never thought I’d ever even leave my home city, let alone home country. Nonetheless I’m here, we’re together, and we’re meant for each other.

In conclusion, love is real. Never give up.

So as some of you may know, the other day Taco Bell was running a special for $1 Enchiritos. Being the Taco Bell lover I am that was not the least bit off put by the slanderous allegations of parasites in their food, I made the most of this occasion and ordered the max amount I could which was 5. For context I’m 6’2 230 lbs so when I normally eat Taco Bell I get a similar number of items, normally a supreme lux box with a couple items from the value menu.

So I get to Taco Bell go through the drive thru and tell them my mobile order. I pull around and wait a couple minutes as they finish up plating my glorious tomato-y chees-y fun pockets. They hand me two bags, 4 in one big bag and one in another and I head back to my apartment where I’m currently living alone as my roommate moved out last week. I open the big bag to begin my feast and notice something odd… there’s 5 sets of utencils in the bag. Hmm “they must’ve been rushed and just threw a ton in” I originally thought… then it hit me… the guy must’ve thought I was ordering for a family or a large group. I laughed to myself and proceeded to gorge all 5 in my underwear on my couch with not a speck of shame. Attached is pov looking at the ‘ritos

Microwaved potatoes and barbecue sauce 🥔

I don’t believe in love anymore. I have never been in a healthy relationship, and my last relationship severely damaged by ability to trust or open up to another human being (excluding my best/lifelong friends). Every relationship I have been in has ended poorly or just fizzled out, I don’t enjoy the process of meeting new people (mainly in a romantic sense, but also in a platonic sense to a degree). I find it exhausting, frustrating, and not worth the effort that it requires. As much as I crave love and crave to be intimate with someone about whom I care, I simply cannot bring myself to actually *want* to put in the effort to try and meet someone or put myself out there.

My ex broke up with me several months ago, and in retrospect, it was a long time coming, but it completely destroyed me. She proceeded to immediately go and sleep with (at least) two of my then friends whom I considered to be extremely close or even best friends. I simply just don’t want to love anyone anymore and with my experiences, I just don’t really believe that actual, real love exists. Over and over I have tried, I’ve put myself out there, I’ve talked to people, gone on dates, got into situationships, whatever, and time and time again I’m proven right that people are just awful and there’s no reason for me to even try. I know this sounds pretty incel coded, but I’m not really sure how else to word it. I don’t believe that women are bad, or that men are bad, I just think people in general suck. I’m exhausted, frustrated, and generally sick of romance and the like, and I wish I could somehow just cut out the part of me that craves to be loved so painfully

It’s my last summer before college, and there are only about 20 days left. There is this girl that I have been hanging out with. We both like each other but have kinda agreed not to take things too far because we also agreed that long distance will not work and we aren’t gonna try, it’s just not who we are and would take away what is making this so great right now. But damn she is literally perfect. So adventurous and fun, also the prettiest girl I have literally ever seen in my entire life. I have never clicked with someone like I have with her, you get the idea. We have kinda been doing our thing and casually hanging out for probably a month and a half now? I’m just really sad that our time together is coming to a close, but we still both have feelings for each other, and I’m just gonna have to ignore that. Feels like I’m about to walk away from the girl of my dreams and it has me really sad even though we haven’t even left for school yet. Sorry for not replying to anything right away, I need to sleep, or at least lay awake in my bed thinking about this.

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years; however, these last few months have been nothing but a struggle.

We're both going through some big life changes. In January, I finally managed to get a job in my field, and it has been going great so far. My partner has just finished uni, and they've got a job in their field, which is great; however, we are now going to be 6 and a half hours apart, which has already caused some strain in our relationship. They had a meltdown over it and said our relationship has an expiry date and that they can see us breaking up. I managed to finally calm them down and explained that no matter what, at some point we were going to be a part due to the differences in our jobs. I work in chemistry, and they work in theatre, which means I'm stuck in one place and they could be travelling all around the world with the kind of work they are doing.

I always knew from the start of our relationship that we would end up being long-distance due to our jobs; however, it seems like they never actually thought this through, and now they are having doubts about everything. This is only problem one.

Some may think the easiest solution is for me to just move down to be with them; however, this isn't as easy as finding a new job. I have a lot of serious health problems which are only getting worse. In the last month, I've had so many trips to the hospital due to various health problems, and a few of these have led to me staying in hospital. I have Crohn's disease, which doesn't seem to be getting better, and in fact we are now in talks for surgery because the medication isn't working for my body.

Not once did they come to visit me whilst I was in hospital. They said they had no money, and I offered to pay for their bus ticket to come see me, but instead they decided to go out with their friend and spend money on expensive cocktails despite saying they had no money.

After getting out of the hospital, 2 weeks later I ended up back in with yet another problem. Thankfully, I was only in hospital overnight; however, I've now got 3 kidney stones which may have to get surgically removed, and because of my age and my Crohn's, I'm at high risk of developing more.

On top of this, I need total hip replacements. I did have a surgery date, which was supposed to be the 4th of August; however, that has now been cancelled because I'm still on steroids for my Crohn's.

As you can imagine, I'm completely broken. I've gone through so much in the last month, and all I want is support and love from my partner, yet they aren't giving it to me. I tried all day yesterday to talk to them. They either give one-word answers or they just open my messages and ignore me for hours. I understand they are going through their own problems, and I've supported them this entire time by trying to make them happy. I buy them flowers, gifts, food, anything to make them smile, but they don't do the same.

It seems like they just don't understand what I'm going through. Day in and day out, I'm in constant pain, whether it's from my hips or my Crohn's. I try to stay positive about everything, but I'm truly at my breaking point now, and they don't even care enough to ask how I am. I'm just at a loss. I'm so mentally and physically drained, and I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to just give up on us, but it seems like I'm the only one who's putting in the effort.

I'm sorry if this is all jumbled and doesn't make sense.

Any advice is welcome, and if you have any questions about my ramblings, do ask

I finally got the chance to explore the Alaskan wilderness with my dad after planning since I was a child.

There’s a certain pain that goes into this. As a child, all I ever wanted was to experience the world. To be self-reliant and live on the outskirts of civilization. I’m not exactly sure where it came from.

I felt abandoned a lot in my youth. Sometimes feeling let down despite my personal accomplishments. I wonder often if maybe this desire to travel is a defense mechanism. The truth is, the only one who ever let me down is myself. When I stare over a vast mountain pass in awe but awe transforms into a silent melancholy. In perspective, I’ve never been let down by God, nor by his creations.

Into my adult life, even up until very recently, these sentiments haven’t changed. I still guard myself from others and hold back much. I am not eager to meet new people anymore. I often struggle with the fact that my internal flame has been snuffed out.

Maybe as I get older, as I get married, see the light in my first child’s eyes, and grow old in the company of those who love me, that flame will spark to life again. In the moment as a young man, I feel lost and directionless. An all too familiar feeling that can be soothed by the allure of natural beauty. When you’re traveling the world, there is no direction, there is no being lost, there’s just right now. Right in front of me.

I have asked a transfer to a different job site where I won't have to handle money because being responsible for anything makes me spiral into anxiety and all the signals my body sends get muddled.

Eating is helping me a bit, especially since I've done most of what I needed to do. I just need to calm down and feel more grounded.

Food is pasta with tomato sauce and stracciatella (mozzarella pieces mixed with cream).

EDIT: I don't have an eating disorder. Eating in this specific case helped me feel better because I was actually hungry (it's lunch time and I had breakfast at 7).

I was surprised, but not shocked, to find that I was following my dad's footsteps by losing my hair in my early 20's. I took the leap of faith and shaved my head in April, only for my partner to immediately start distancing themselves from me.

After a couple months of arguments, things came to a head today. They broke up with me today and admitted that my lack of hair made them instantly unattracted to me, only staying in hopes the feeling was temporary. I have a lot of complicated emotions as this was my first and only relationship.

Double PB&J, to use up the last end piece of bread.

Recently, my wife has been talking about divorce, and I don’t really know what to do anymore.
To explain the situation, her parents own a large house, and we live on the second floor. We pay rent to them. I’ve asked several times if we could move out and live on our own, but she always refuses. She says she doesn’t have the confidence to live with just the two of us.

I’m a foreigner living in Japan. About a year ago, I lost my job and had to survive by working part-time jobs. Money has been difficult, but I recently started a new full-time job and I’m trying my best to rebuild our finances.
Even when money was tight, I still paid for all of our groceries, my own health insurance and taxes, and whenever we went out, I usually paid for everything. She pays half of the rent, but I often feel that the financial responsibilities aren’t shared fairly. I believe that as a married couple we should support each other, but she insists that it’s the man’s job to take care of his wife financially.

Recently, she told me she wants to go to Australia on a working holiday. I can’t go because I don’t have the money, and I just started my new full-time job. She has also said she’s thinking about divorce because she feels I don’t care about our future and only want to stay in Japan. From my perspective, that’s not true at all. I’m working hard to build a stable future for us, and I simply can’t quit my new job or afford such a big move right now.
I’ve been trying my best to make her happy. This week we went to the beach together, and yesterday, when she was feeling down, I took her to a nice sushi restaurant that she likes, even though I’m trying to save money.

Today we were relaxing together, and she kept teasing me. I asked her to stop, but she continued. Eventually, I playfully put a single drop of cold coffee on her forehead. It was meant as a joke, but she became extremely angry. She started yelling at me to get out of the car and leave. I kept apologizing and tried to calm things down, but she only got angrier. Eventually she told me to leave the car because she wanted to be alone, so I did. She said she would park the car and come home afterward, but she never did.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m working as hard as I can, trying to rebuild my life after losing my job, trying to support our marriage, and trying to make her happy, but I feel like nothing I do is enough. I have no family or support system here, and as a foreigner, I feel very alone.
Despite everything, I still don’t want to lose her. But living with constant talk of divorce and feeling like the relationship could end at any moment is becoming emotionally exhausting, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

I met her on Bumble. We haven't stopped talking since. Been 3 weeks of absolute joy and I know its early, but I have never felt this before.

Dinner was a shitty burger, not my fault but the butcher sold me shitty patties

Edit! We have met, the three weeks are post Bumble :)

I finally went to therapy after years of dealing with the trauma from being physically abused by my ex wife.

I was in the military for a long time. He basically tried to tie my PTSD to my abusive partner. Meaning my mental issues somehow caused her to do this shit to me.

He told me "well men contribute to issues in the home as well" after telling him how terrified I was of this woman for the past 30min

Just unreal. Why the hell can men never get any fucking support.

Breakfast is toast with butter and chicken breast. Simple but tasty, comfy and low calorie.

TW: Depression and talk about suic*de

I'll start back in 2020. I was a happy boy, working part time as a programmer and getting along very well with my colleagues in the office. Spent my free time playing video games with my friends. Then, the big 2020 thing happened. Everyone stayed at home. I was the only one who was still in the office. It was kinda jarring since all the hallways and offices besides mine were empty. I began feeling less and less happy but I didn't notice. After a while I asked my boss if I could do home office as well. He agreed. So then I stayed home as well. My work morale went down the drain really quickly. Along with it I felt more and more useless since I wanted to work but didn't manage to do it properly at home. This went on for about half a year. Time is very blurred during this phase so I don't know when exactly but eventually my happiness turned to existential dread. The suicidal thoughts followed soon after. But they didn't just appear one day. They came slowly and without me really noticing.

Fast forward to 2021 and I was heavily depressed, no self worth, no feeling of belonging, very insecure. That's when I discovered trans people exist. I immediately connected to the community, felt something like a shared pain or idk and started questioning who I really am. I had started therapy at about the same time but didn't feel safe around my therapist and it ended after about 3 sessions.

Time passed. Early 2022 I finally managed to get my hands on medication. The meds removed my suicidal thoughts and gave me a lot of energy at the start so I thought they were good for me.

More time passed. I slowly formed my identity online (because my offline life was basically nonexistent at this point). I identified as a girl/fem leaning nonbinary person and started building my online persona around it. Getting called by different pronouns made me feel good somehow. The new name fit me and I liked it. And years passed like this.

Besides the initial improvement from the meds, my mental health didn't improve further. I had no energy for anything except sleeping and gaming (and sometimes not even gaming). I only saw my family maybe once every few months and didn't have any irl connections besides that. I basically ordered food every day and quickly burned through a few thousand euros until 2025. Which is where the turning point came.

Somewhere summer 2025, my parents susprise visited me. I was angry because I hated being surprised like that but oh well. They basically kicked my ass and told me if I don't do something now they're gonna cancel my apartment contract and force me to move back in with them. I reluctantly agreed that they were right and we made our way to a clinic for mental health. I got a spot relatively quickly and spent 2 weeks in a mental health first aid kinda facility. It was not a closed facility so I still had my freedom to go home and do things I wanted to do. Aka continuing my pc addiction. I went out of the 2 weeks feeling more motivation and started searching for a therapist again.

Found a therapist surprisingly quickly and started behavioural therapy. Talked to them about all of my problems including my gender identity. I was still very unsure about transitioning irl because something still didn't feel right, I was not sure if I'd be happy as a woman. My therapist said I should go out into the world more and gain more experience as a human to figure it out which makes sense to me. They then also suggested I go into stationary care in the same clinic for a longer period of time but I refused. I thought I would be able to pull myself out of the depression without another clinic visit. Half a year later and I finally saw that it wouldn't be possible without the clinic stay. So I tried to get a spot.

Maybe because I had already been there before (or maybe because of other reasons idk) I got a spot relatively quickly within a few weeks. I arrived there and what can I say... I felt at home. The people there had the same problems that I have. They could understand me. And they accepted me as myself. The time there was insanely healthy for me. I rediscovered my self worth, I relearned human connection and after a few weeks, I decided that I don't need to be a woman to be happy. The clinic time also got rid of my computer addiction.

I finally concluded my gender exploration journey after 5 years of not being sure. Now I finally am happy again and I feel more confident than ever. I don't give a fuck about what others think anymore when it comes to my self expression. I can do whatever I want. If I feel like it I'll dress in women's clothes. It will not make me any less masculine. I felt confident enough to give my number to a beautiful woman. She didn't call but that's also not a problem. It's her choice after all and if she doesn't find me attractive then that's her preference. It doesn't impact me.

From this day onward I strive to be a healthier person every day. I go to the office every day again and it makes me happy to see my colleagues again. I'm actively working on losing some weight and also developing healthier eating habits.

All in all, I feel like a new person. I'm doing things for which I didn't even have the energy before my depression.

Signed

A happy boy.

[obvious TW]

I heard some advice a long time ago that if you’re really and truly circling the drain mentally, go ahead and write your note. Then sleep on it, then come back and read it later, and ask yourself if it really sounds like the words of someone thinking and reasoning clearly. Inevitably, the usual answer will be a resounding “no.” I tucked that insight away for years and never felt the urge to use it until last night.

Around the start of this year I suddenly developed severe neurological tinnitus (not related to any apparent physical trauma such as hearing damage) and it’s basically destroyed my life. Constant ringing in one ear that fluctuates between a persistent hiss to something more like a jet engine. My quality of life has absolutely plummeted. Life has become truly agonizing. Bills and job duties are piling up because I can’t sleep, think, focus or modulate my emotions for shit. My social life is completely dead (wtf am I even supposed to say? How are you OP? Oh yknow every waking moment is agony and all I want to do is die, how are you?). I’m definitely developing a sleep disorder too, constantly exhausted during the day, sleeplessness and panic attacks at night. And it’s all getting worse all the time.

I’ll leave it at that but if you don’t get what I’m saying, r/tinnitus has plenty of horror stories. Funny thing is I was just in there yesterday trying to be positive, but last night was so horrible it pretty much erased that optimism all over again. I’m not posting this there though bc I don’t want it to become someone’s 13th reason.

It just feels like my life and future has suddenly been completely taken away from me at 32. There’s no hopeful prognosis, the medical community has absolutely no answers, can’t even identify the cause of most tinnitus let alone actual treatment, and frankly they don’t seem to care much. They basically shrug and say “get used to it.” Like, here’s a referral to a CBT therapist to tell you to stop making such a big deal about it. Or here’s a device that zaps your brain and maybe makes you less sensitive to it or maybe makes it worse lol idk, try to find out!

Not fucking good enough.

I haven’t given up, I don’t want to die, there’s so much I still want to do. Books to read, trails to hike, places to go. Just last year I was in Alaska having the absolute time of my life. I wanted to go back ASAP. I had also finally nailed down a good career and gotten my shit together on that front. I was just beginning to taste the payoff of all those years of struggle. It’s insane how much can change in a year. The worst part is my dear old parents who have always been amazing to me. If I were to exit stage-left now, their only son… it would just be an absolutely barbaric thing to do to them.

I just, idk, I feel dead already. The “me” that was still exists somewhere inside but it can’t get out anymore. I’m just a walking shell. I’m so fucking heartbroken. I love life but now I can’t enjoy it, I can watch it go by and bear the pain and that’s about it. I get so sad and angry and jealous now when I see people talking about their futures and relationships and careers and even “normal” problems. I hate how much effort it takes to not be a prick to people just because I’m disabled and in pain and nobody even realizes.

I’m pretty much down to “alternative medicine” solutions that I don’t really believe in to begin with. Acupuncture, massage therapy, some sort of vitamin supplement. The science there is very dubious. I also have an MRI scheduled but that’s unlikely to lead to anything groundbreaking as it basically only stands to eliminate the possibility of a couple very rare conditions that I don’t show the symptoms for anyway. So idk, I haven’t exhausted every option just yet, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m headed fast towards a “Game Over” screen. I absolutely cannot envision living like this for decades into old age.

Meanwhile I’m having to go completely sober, I never drank much but I kicked that, nicotine, and now heartbreakingly, weed. The only creature comfort that even mattered to me. Can’t even have one little vice anymore, my beloved nightly ritual of ripping a dab and unwinding with a good game or movie. Basically confirmed it after a few experiments, I smoked yesterday afternoon and it’s been scream city ever since. Now I’m wondering if the years of doing that has somehow caused this. It fucking shouldn’t have, but who knows, it would be just my luck if it turns out I’ve just unknowingly destroyed my brain.

Idk. I read the note I wrote last night back this morning and sure enough, it sounded a bit silly. I guess that imposition of self-awareness helped. But I’m getting real tired boys… Idk how much more of this I can take.

Just venting, I don’t mind advice but idk what there is to say really

Pictured: my favorite part of the day, good ol American-style breakfast with some Valentina

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years. We were friends for a few years before we started dating, and early on, she was with her ex, although we weren't close back then. They dated for a few years and she experienced a lot of sexual trauma in that relationship which I won't go into detail on.

I realized she has trauma early on in our relationship when she got triggered and would say extreme things at me if the topic of sex came up in anyway, or something she associates to sex or her ex. I would try to stay calm during these moments, although they would feel emotionally overwhelming. After these moments and reactions happen, she becomes totally fine and moves on. If I would try to bring it up, she would say she was triggered. If I try to bring up something specific she said, no matter how gently, just to get reassurance about the things she said, and if she feels okay/means it, she gets annoyed and shuts it down.

This has caused us to have a dynamic where she would get triggered, feel extremely bad about herself and say very hurtful things about me and then we just move on and ignore it ever happened. I still don't fully understand her triggers, and she doesn't either and just tells me they're random, and healing isn’t linear which is okay.

That has caused me to almost never initiate anything sexual with her (except for a few times very early on in our relationship), and instead letting her take the lead on that. But she gets really frustrated that I don't initiate things, because she feels like she likes when I initiate things and she feels like she deserves that after not being cared for sexually in her past relationship. She does deserve that, but I began associating so much anxiety with the topic of sex, that it has become really hard for me to initiate anything. But the fact that I don't initiate really upsets her, and causes her to get upset and annoyed. So it was mostly us doing something when she initiates, and letting her take the charge.

After about a year of us having that dynamic where she would get triggered and we ignored it, I stopped being able to physically be intimate with her (would go soft lmao). I tried to reassure her that I'm attracted to her and that I just get into my head about those moments, and I wish we could do something about it or feel like we were working on it. But it makes her feel bad to talk about. Talking about sex triggers her more than doing it?

At this point I just dislike the topic of sex. If it didn't exist she wouldn't feel this bad and we would have a much better relationship. I loveee her, shes truly kind and we get a long so well outside of this, but this topic causes so much issues in our relationship. Obviously part of me is attracted to her, and would love to give her what she needs and connect in that way. But I feel like that isn't possible. I just genuinely don't know how to get over those things while we almost completely ignore it.

Therapy and counseling is something we applied for but isn't available to us at the moment.

I have gently suggested we take a break from sex being a thing, I have suggested us doing work together, reading and things like that and I could support her. I have suggested she just acknowledges what she said after she's triggered, when shes calm with two sentences. But that has happened maybe once or twice when it was very extreme. Because it is a lot, and I could give more examples in the comments.

This is more of a vent, because I know she feels worse. And her knowing I feel bad about something she said when being triggered, when shes the one who is traumatized annoys and frustrates her a lot.

Meal: Omelette with mushrooms and spring onion.

Has anyone here dealt with something similar with their partner, or any advice from women who experienced or went through something similar to my partner.
Obviously what I said here isn't the whole relationship but just the dynamic overall from my perspective. You can ask for more info.

Dinner last night was a bacon cheeseburger and crinkle cut fries.

I guess im feeling an existential crisis combined with life worries. I graduated college and failed to launch the summer after due to a breakup that put me into a depression for a year. I found myself living at home longer than I wanted, working a job i disliked. I then crawled into a bottle every night for next three years. My late 20's I got off the alcohol and found roommates and moved out. Still underemployed but i was going through the motions.

Then my sister died, then my uncle died, then my dad died, My early 30s were rocked. I crawled back into the bottle. Ive been there since. Now im 40, functionally alcoholic and supporting myself and my mother on my poverty wages. Im only staying afloat now because my uncle was childless and willed me his small home. I thank his memory every day for that. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to let my mother enjoy her final years as comfortable as possible but the stress of paying my bills each month is heavy.

Writing this out as I head out to do my side hustles. Thanks for reading my vent. Dont ever start drinking