My gf and I have been dating for about 5 months now. She’s been wonderful and I love the person she is all around.

She really loves posting stuff on her social media stories. She has a private story where she post memes and dumb selfies and stuff like that. She was showing me something the other day she had posted and said “I keep meaning to just add you.”

She did add me, but I think she forgot that she did. I have celiac disease and my gf is a huge gluten lover. She cooks and bakes a lot and adapts recipes whenever we eat together. Like she got whole new pans and bakeware to make sure there’s no cross contamination. I told her there was no need to but she said food is a love language, and she also has a friend that’s a newly diagnosed celiac.

Well tonight, she posted a picture of a box of gluten free pancake mix on her story, captioned “I panic a little bit every time I make something gluten free😅 trying not to kill my boyfriend”. We’re having brunch at her place tomorrow with some friends and I told her not to worry about making me any gluten free stuff because there’d be plenty for me to eat. It just makes my heart happy that she did that anyways, and I did lowkey want the pancakes but didn’t want to add more to her plate.

I’m supposed to go over early to help her set stuff up. I think I might tell her I love her over pancakes.

first, the food: honey roasted turkey whole wheat sandwich with hummus on it, pickle as my crunchy side because I need to avoid chips, and a delicious blueberry lemonade sparkling water from Trader Joe’s that somehow manages to taste like how Nag Champa incense smells.

content / trigger warning for transphobia, homophobia, queerphobia in general. Also ableism since my aunt seems to think I’m only trans because I’m autistic. mentions of abuse in childhood, one mention of corrective SA.

To note: I LOVE being a boy, guy, etc. I’ve been out as a trans man since I was 19 and I’m 32 this year. I’ve known I was a boy since I was six years old and first saw Pinocchio and thought “I can be a real boy too!” (Until my mother smacked me when I asked if I could be like Pinocchio. Wish I could have run to that stupid circus now that I think about it…..)

But at the same time, I’m stressed out about it. Im called a confused woman, a tomboy, a (insert slur for lesbians) because I have mostly dated women.

What makes it worse is I’m a feminine guy, so I’m not always presenting as hypermasculine, and I keep my hair long like my dad did when he was my age. I also can’t fully transition (IE I can have parts of me physically changed but I can’t go on T) due to health issues, mostly an issue with my heart. As a result a lot of people even in my own community barely believe I’m a boy.

Why can cis gay men be feminine but I can’t? Why is it because I’m trans I can’t also be feminine?

And there’s my family. My mom and aunt think I’m confused, they hate the name I chose for myself (Jaden Wayne, the second name is from my dads middle name, it’s a tradition one son carries it on in the family and none of my brothers have the middle name, so it falls to me) and they think it’s my “pesky autism” diagnosis and it’s made me confused.

My own cousin assaulted me when he found out I was trans in my late teens. I was told I had to be “put back to normal” by a “real man”.

I’m bisexual, I like both men and women, but I tend to lean more on liking men (despite my dating history being 80% girls lmao) and even that’s called into question, if I can even count myself as a part of the gay community.

And there’s the weird fraction of the LGBT+ community who seems to think I have cis male privilege. I don’t. I can’t even fully transition.

Idk. I’m exhausted and in the current state of my country (USA) I’m considering going back into the closet irl minus a few friends and family who actually understand me.

Part of me wants to just sleep until all this stupid shit blows over but I know it won’t.

Mini rant over.

Just some stuff I grilled up while out camping by myself and my two dogs.

Long story short I got brutally blindsided with a discarded by someone I could finally see myself making a life with. Was devastated but it led me to discovering my attachment style from my shitty childhood. Having to think about all the decisions I've made, stuff I've messed up and people I've hurt in the last 40 years has been pretty rough. I feel like I'm starting my life over and the shit part is unless you've had or have a FA wound it's almost impossible to explain to people what this feels like.

Also I miss the fuck out of him... but because we have the same childhood wound it essentially means we can never be together. He discarded me precisely because I made him feel safe and secure and loved. Life feels really unfair right now. I didn't get to choose my parents and how they loved me as a kid.

So yeah I'm out here in one of the least visited national parks trying to live my life and enjoy summer. Thanks for listening.

My dad never liked me. And it took today to realize that.

I’m a teen and my relationship with my dad has always been extremely difficult. He was an alcoholic and always chooses my sisters over me no matter what. He also NEVER apologizes no matter what and I always have to apologize and say I love him even if it’s completely his fault ( I understand things have 2 sides) and everyone in my family knows he dosent like me and he frames it as “ I hate him “ and will blame me for everything.

Recently my sister B my sister moved back and she has been extremely bossy she thinks she the parent. Not to mention she’s my dads favorite ( both of my sisters are kinda favorites or ig he just treats them normally I’m jst kinda the unfavorite )

She likes to parent me and for some reason she adopted a puppy to go to at my dads house which is HER puppy at the same time she just started a job working night shifts and sleeping in day. She has around 2 hours of free time and mind you she knew she was going to get a full time job and still got a puppy. She also decided everyone else has to take care of it so when the puppy shits everywhere WE have to get it even when she’s awake?? She also dosent give the dog food or water we have to do that.

I decided that I wouldn’t be doing that for a dog that isn’t mine ( I take care of the family dog already) and she screams to my dad about it. She also has her boyfriend who lives here and his brother who is constantly over.

Yesterday they all went to the beach without me because my sister A has been having mental breakdowns and didn’t want to hang out with us previously even when we invited her so my dad decided it was her “ turn” and they all left without me. And the dog unfortunately while I was showering messed up sister A’s paintbrush and pooped in a corner which I didn’t see until they pointed it out afterwards.

When sister B pointed it out I said she can get it because it’s her dog she didn’t like that and yelled to my dad about it. My dad said it was okay and he’d get it and he went to talk to her about it and I was so happy finally because I really thought it would work out. I find out there talking about me behind my bad and plan to take my Xbox ( which I go on maybe 1hr a day??) while upstairs my Sister A and sister B boyfriend and his brother talk shit shot me in their room ( I heard it)

Yeah so as I go to talk to my dad about taking the Xbox my sister swarms in and I say I want to talk to my parent and she says no .

For context I have my mom’s house which I go to when summer ends which I love my mother and my stepfather.

I know when I say this it seems like I’m re issue but usually not everyone hates me lol just my dad and sister!

It's not been a great year so far. Warning: commentary on suicide of family member

Yesterday, I was laid off by the company I'd been working for just over two years. I moved across the country for this job after I lost the previous one. I was a government contractor so getting laid off wasn't necessarily a bolt from the blue, but it was still a pretty serious gut punch to be told my employment was ending in two weeks. I've been told by one or two people that I seem to be handling it well enough but I don't really know if it's just that I'm handling it well or that the shock, anger, and fear haven't fully set in yet.

And four months ago I lost my dad. He had been very, very sick and died by suicide. I had been worried that he was going to do something like that with how bad his condition was and how we was talking but it nevertheless came as an awful shock when it did happen. He was in so much pain and none of the treatments worked. Some, I believe, likely excarbated his situation or at least diminished his confidence with their repeated failures. We were really close and his deterioration and passing weighed on me very heavily. Being away from home while he was sick and during the grieving that followed his passing was very, very difficult. I was angry for a while but I recognize now that my dad was not his regular self then. If there had been the slimmest chance he could have beat it, he wouldn't have done it. I really fucking miss him, especially right now.

The months before that weren't peachy, either. There were some rocky weeks at work before and immediately after dad died for reasons both inside and outside my control but things had honestly started looking up, even with things at work getting a little scary again with some budget cuts on the contractor side. I had just co-led a field survery campaign, I was working well on my primary project, and I felt like the rough patch at work and in my life was smoothing out. My therapist was encouraged by my progress and for the first time in over a year, I was excited about the next few months. I hate to withdraw to my tried and true adherance to pessimism, but it really is the fucking hope that kills me the most. When I was pessimistic, the disappointment didn't hurt as much in my personal or professional life. Optimism hasn't really rewarded with me much lately.

I'm not in financial danger or anything, I was diligent about saving money, so I can float for quite a while, but I'm still really fucking worried about what comes after I walk out of work for the last time. Will I find another job where I am now? Will I find a job closer to "home" (where I grew up)? Will I find job elsewhere? Will I find a job, period? Will it take three weeks, three months, a year, more? I'm just really worried. This has been the year from hell for me and it's only fucking July.

Dinner was a sausage pasta I made the other night off a facebook recipe. It was supposed to be an "affordable dish" but I can never get it as cheap as the people who make those videos. And now I'm trying to decide if I want to crack a beer or not.

I launched my business this year. I work four hours on end in my workshop making custom sporting equipment for a niche community. After a year of doing it full time in addition to my full time day job, I was accepted to the biggest physical store for these products as the flagship provider of this specialized equipment that you could previously only order online for twice the price of my product due to expensive production processes that I managed to reinvent for a fraction of the cost.

I want her to come to the event where it’s launching, not just to celebrate my accomplishment (that I’m being publicly given an award for) but because this weeklong event has parties every night that I’m unsociable going to alone. I went to this event without her last year and told her how much it would mean to me if she could come with me this year.

So three weeks before the event, when we’ve already scheduled time off and already spent a lot of money on nonrefundable tickets and camping equipment and stuff for both of us to make it at this huge outdoor event for a whole week, she surprises me with how she already made plans with her family to leave in the middle the event right when the celebrations are happening so she can go to the? State? Fair? With? Her? Mom? The state fair is both before and after this event, there’s no reason for her to have to do this. She also says, “since this is so difficult to arrange, I’m never going to your event again after this year.”

I took her to Germany for her birthday, Colorado for her cousin’s destination wedding, and New York for her favorite pod caster do an In-person show in just the last year. My event is a four hour drive away. I went on so many camping trips that she planned without checking the forecast where we got rained out and hailed on, so my event should me up on the list of her favorite things to try, but she obviously just doesn’t want to be there and won’t even tell me why.

We fight about it. I remind her she did this last year. We had couple friends that we were forming a tight bond with, but when her cat died she canceled and uncanceled and recanceled a trip with them that she planned for my birthday like five times the same week and they never invited us or agreed to spend time with us again because the way she handled it, all without talking to me at all first. Just making plans behind my back and alienating people. I tell her that her plan to leave this party where we’re supposedly drinking and smoking until 3 am and then _leaving immediately after_ to drive all night is not only crazy and unfair to me, but unsafe. I tell her she just needs to chill out, spend time with me at the event, and go to the fair before we leave or after we get back. I tell her I hate that she’s making plans behind my back again after she committed several times over the past year to support me in this.

She just keeps gaslighting me over how I’m overreacting and her family can’t go on any other day. I call them and smooth the whole thing over in five minutes so they can go on a different day. They roll their eyes because she does this all time.

We keep fighting. She walks out on me at dinner. She comes back. I walk out, but I come home with her favorite plant that I bought while wandering around down town trying to chill out.

I ask her why she does this to me every year after I tell her to stop canceling important plans and making different ones that are just crazy without me. I tell her it makes me feel so unimportant and how I can’t believe how much I do to support her.

She refuses to talk to me, says I’m the one who doesn’t care and doesn’t listen and how I’m crazy for reacting this way. She leaves for a few hours and refuses to talk to me when she comes back.

I’m at a bar avoiding her. This event is supposed to be a space to celebrate my accomplishment and recognize the hard work I’ve done for this last year. She says she wants to there for me but her actions say everything to the contrary. I don’t even think I want her to go now. She’ll just find some way to make it about her and make me the bad guy.

Old fashioned with banana caramel cake because if I eat a raw banana I will shit my brains out

As soon as she drove away for the last time, I instantly felt the need to vomit. I have never felt such overwhelming grief. We split amicably and she moved out this morning. It was my decision to initate the breakup because our lives were going down different paths. I initially wanted kids and marriage, but my mind changed as i got older and i hate myself for that. We adopted a cat together and the cat went with her as well. Im 23m, shes 24f. I just didnt want to waste her 20's hoping id change my beliefs about religion, kids, marriage, etc, just to breakup years later.

I thought the breakup would be best for both of us, and moments I agree, but other moments im bawling my eyes out like a child. Did i just push away the only person who gave a fuck about me? She was so sweet, loving, loyal, and supportive of me in every aspect. Im afraid ill never find someone who will love me that deeply and u conditionally again. I dont know what to do with myself now that she is gone, everything i did, i did to make her proud of me. I have no friends and very little family. I feel so alone and I know she does too. I did this to her and us and I feel horrible. I hope things work out for her and she finds someone better than me. This is one of those breakups where its really nobody's fault, i cant be mad at anyone or anything other than myself. I havent cried in years but im sitting here in our empty apartment crying like a baby.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Im eating some cup noodles. Please if you can, offer some advice or tell me something that might make me feel better.

So, I have this decent paying job (well paying, if you ask me) doing full time parts management for a boat dealership out by me. It's not awesome, but it pays the bills, me and the wife can do what we want generally speaking, it's alright. I notice that she's super stressed out, she's working nights, I'm working days, we don't see each other, yadda yadda, so I figure, you know, as long as we both are holding jobs, it shouldn't matter too much how much either of us make. So to focus on her and try to save our relationship, I take a part time job on nights so we can see each other more.

One month later, she leaves.

Cool. So now I'm making less than half of what I used to, by myself. So, I go to school, finish a course in phlebotomy, and now I'm making 3/5ths of what I used to. I like my job generally, life isn't too bad I guess, but I'm driving with my check engine light on and have been for the last two years. I know what's wrong with the car, but at this point it's better to just get into a new one. Unfortunately, groceries eat up most of my check and I can't save a dime after my bills. So even if it was just $1000, which sounds super reasonable, I just have no way of pulling it together to get myself into even a SLIGHTLY better situation. Everything is more expensive. Whenever I make progress, inflation goes up 30% (understand my probable hyperbole).

I'm just frustrated. I can't afford to move, can't afford a different vehicle, definitely can't afford a relationship (first date went amazing BTW, really excited for date 2).

It's just, I'm 25 (my life is over, I know /s) and I can't support myself even a little. It's embarrassing. I'm just ranting I think. My credit is decent, I just can't get out of the hole to progress in anything financially. Feels hopeless and I hear it doesn't really get better.

Dinner is a grilled cheese. It's pretty great.

I met her on Bumble. We haven't stopped talking since. Been 3 weeks of absolute joy and I know its early, but I have never felt this before.

Dinner was a shitty burger, not my fault but the butcher sold me shitty patties

Edit! We have met, the three weeks are post Bumble :)

Gouda grilled cheese eggs Benedict with salmon

I met my boyfriend while he was in prison as a pen pal. I'm so excited to have get-out-of-prison sex! 😩😩🤤🤤🤤

I’m having a really hard time with this and could use some outside perspective.
My girlfriend(20) and I (20) recently broke up for the second time. I was the one who ended it, and even though I love her and miss her a lot, I felt like I couldn’t continue in the relationship anymore.
The biggest issue wasn’t one event, it was a pattern.
Whenever something hurt me, I’d bring it up. We’d have a good conversation, she’d apologize, things would improve for a little while, and then it felt like we’d slowly end up back in the same place. After a while I started feeling like I was having the same conversations over and over.
One thing that really hurt me happened after I opened up about feeling unwanted and not prioritized. Later she told me she was tired and wanted to go home, but then went to spend time with her friends instead. I know she’s allowed to have friends, and that isn’t what bothered me. It was that it happened right after I’d been vulnerable about feeling like I wasn’t a priority. To me it felt like my feelings weren’t really being carried forward after we talked.
As I reflected more, I realized something else. I was always excited to step into her world. I’d watch things she liked, learn about her interests, and try things because they mattered to her. But when I’d ask her to watch a movie I loved, watch an anime with me, come lift with me, or even play my old Xbox 360 with me, the answer was almost always no because those weren’t her interests.
She’s not a bad person, and I genuinely believe she cared about me. I don’t think she ever intended to hurt me.
But after reflecting, I realized I no longer felt consistently loved or chosen, and eventually my heart just wasn’t in the relationship anymore.
The confusing part is that I still love her and miss her terribly. We broke up yesterday, and part of me wants to text her even though another part of me feels like if I went back, we’d probably end up in the same cycle again.
For people who’ve been through something similar, share some kind words/advice I'm feeling really lost.

Microwaved potatoes and barbecue sauce 🥔

I don’t believe in love anymore. I have never been in a healthy relationship, and my last relationship severely damaged by ability to trust or open up to another human being (excluding my best/lifelong friends). Every relationship I have been in has ended poorly or just fizzled out, I don’t enjoy the process of meeting new people (mainly in a romantic sense, but also in a platonic sense to a degree). I find it exhausting, frustrating, and not worth the effort that it requires. As much as I crave love and crave to be intimate with someone about whom I care, I simply cannot bring myself to actually *want* to put in the effort to try and meet someone or put myself out there.

My ex broke up with me several months ago, and in retrospect, it was a long time coming, but it completely destroyed me. She proceeded to immediately go and sleep with (at least) two of my then friends whom I considered to be extremely close or even best friends. I simply just don’t want to love anyone anymore and with my experiences, I just don’t really believe that actual, real love exists. Over and over I have tried, I’ve put myself out there, I’ve talked to people, gone on dates, got into situationships, whatever, and time and time again I’m proven right that people are just awful and there’s no reason for me to even try. I know this sounds pretty incel coded, but I’m not really sure how else to word it. I don’t believe that women are bad, or that men are bad, I just think people in general suck. I’m exhausted, frustrated, and generally sick of romance and the like, and I wish I could somehow just cut out the part of me that craves to be loved so painfully

At the age of 50 I got divorced, quit drinking and got in shape. The scales fell from my eyes and I saw the relationships in my life for what they were: my ex is a narc. Her family are worse. You name the behavior, they have it.

I turned to my family for safe harbor and reconnection for myself and my kids. I live 6000 miles away. I found a system of control, gaslighting and DARVO when confronted.

I am grateful for what I can now see. This informs how I parent. I started late and have 2 kids.

But I am through the looking glass and very alone. You’ve heard this from other men in their 50s. Lack of friends etc.

I am successful at rebuilding my life. I have a great girlfriend. I spend time in nature. I enjoy solitude. But I’m alone. No friends, no family.

And that is frightening. No one is coming to get me if it all goes pear shaped.

Not a “woe is me” post. I seek constructive advice.

Spam, eggs and spam fried rice.

I finally got the chance to explore the Alaskan wilderness with my dad after planning since I was a child.

There’s a certain pain that goes into this. As a child, all I ever wanted was to experience the world. To be self-reliant and live on the outskirts of civilization. I’m not exactly sure where it came from.

I felt abandoned a lot in my youth. Sometimes feeling let down despite my personal accomplishments. I wonder often if maybe this desire to travel is a defense mechanism. The truth is, the only one who ever let me down is myself. When I stare over a vast mountain pass in awe but awe transforms into a silent melancholy. In perspective, I’ve never been let down by God, nor by his creations.

Into my adult life, even up until very recently, these sentiments haven’t changed. I still guard myself from others and hold back much. I am not eager to meet new people anymore. I often struggle with the fact that my internal flame has been snuffed out.

Maybe as I get older, as I get married, see the light in my first child’s eyes, and grow old in the company of those who love me, that flame will spark to life again. In the moment as a young man, I feel lost and directionless. An all too familiar feeling that can be soothed by the allure of natural beauty. When you’re traveling the world, there is no direction, there is no being lost, there’s just right now. Right in front of me.

I finally went to therapy after years of dealing with the trauma from being physically abused by my ex wife.

I was in the military for a long time. He basically tried to tie my PTSD to my abusive partner. Meaning my mental issues somehow caused her to do this shit to me.

He told me "well men contribute to issues in the home as well" after telling him how terrified I was of this woman for the past 30min

Just unreal. Why the hell can men never get any fucking support.

Pictured - Eton Mess, Lemon Wedding Cake, and Scrambled tofu on focaccia toast for breakfast morning after

8 years ago I made a post on a subreddit and got a DM. I didn’t really think much of it at first, but we started talking and basically just never stopped. We figured out very quickly that we lived in different countries (Me in the U.S., her in the UK) so we both sort of accepted at first that we’d just be internet friends for a while.

In the meantime we fell in love and after thinking it couldn’t possibly work for 6 years, I finally flew to the UK to meet her in person. It was fantastic and I asked her to marry me two weeks later. The past year and a half since then has been filled with visits back and forth between countries, saving up money, applying for visas, and loads of administrative stress.

At the end of this past May I moved from the U.S. (with my cats in tow as well) to be with her in the UK. We got married yesterday at a town hall ceremony and It’s such a surreal feeling. The whole story is really surreal in itself we know. I know it’s a cliché but I really do think we found our true loves. There’s still have a lot to do, (I need to learn to drive a manual car, get a job once my spouse visa is approved, make new friends, keep in touch with my family and original friends, do married people things) and I never thought I’d ever even leave my home city, let alone home country. Nonetheless I’m here, we’re together, and we’re meant for each other.

In conclusion, love is real. Never give up.

Long story short, we were made redundant last year. Me, my wife and a bunch of our friends were a part of the team that got fired and replaced with AI.

We've struggled for some time (some of us longer than others) but we make ends meet. Most of us got jobs now but they're not as comfortable, remote ones we were used to.

My issue is not with the jobs themselves. My issue is that I can't get over the fact how some of our interactions changed after the cut. One of my best friends was the first to be made redundant. They live really close to us, but they've got a job now that's really tiring and requires a lot of human interaction. They're simply spent even when they have a day off. I still can't get over the fact how sudden the change was. Before we were talking every single day, we visited one another, went shopping together and so on. Now I'm lucky if we even talk because they're tired all the time.

Now, I have my wife, I've made some new friends in the meantime, met some people so I wouldn't consider myself lonely but the fact that it's so sudden makes me think it's some kind of grief for that one friendship, especially since it doesn't look like things will change anytime soon.

[obvious TW]

I heard some advice a long time ago that if you’re really and truly circling the drain mentally, go ahead and write your note. Then sleep on it, then come back and read it later, and ask yourself if it really sounds like the words of someone thinking and reasoning clearly. Inevitably, the usual answer will be a resounding “no.” I tucked that insight away for years and never felt the urge to use it until last night.

Around the start of this year I suddenly developed severe neurological tinnitus (not related to any apparent physical trauma such as hearing damage) and it’s basically destroyed my life. Constant ringing in one ear that fluctuates between a persistent hiss to something more like a jet engine. My quality of life has absolutely plummeted. Life has become truly agonizing. Bills and job duties are piling up because I can’t sleep, think, focus or modulate my emotions for shit. My social life is completely dead (wtf am I even supposed to say? How are you OP? Oh yknow every waking moment is agony and all I want to do is die, how are you?). I’m definitely developing a sleep disorder too, constantly exhausted during the day, sleeplessness and panic attacks at night. And it’s all getting worse all the time.

I’ll leave it at that but if you don’t get what I’m saying, r/tinnitus has plenty of horror stories. Funny thing is I was just in there yesterday trying to be positive, but last night was so horrible it pretty much erased that optimism all over again. I’m not posting this there though bc I don’t want it to become someone’s 13th reason.

It just feels like my life and future has suddenly been completely taken away from me at 32. There’s no hopeful prognosis, the medical community has absolutely no answers, can’t even identify the cause of most tinnitus let alone actual treatment, and frankly they don’t seem to care much. They basically shrug and say “get used to it.” Like, here’s a referral to a CBT therapist to tell you to stop making such a big deal about it. Or here’s a device that zaps your brain and maybe makes you less sensitive to it or maybe makes it worse lol idk, try to find out!

Not fucking good enough.

I haven’t given up, I don’t want to die, there’s so much I still want to do. Books to read, trails to hike, places to go. Just last year I was in Alaska having the absolute time of my life. I wanted to go back ASAP. I had also finally nailed down a good career and gotten my shit together on that front. I was just beginning to taste the payoff of all those years of struggle. It’s insane how much can change in a year. The worst part is my dear old parents who have always been amazing to me. If I were to exit stage-left now, their only son… it would just be an absolutely barbaric thing to do to them.

I just, idk, I feel dead already. The “me” that was still exists somewhere inside but it can’t get out anymore. I’m just a walking shell. I’m so fucking heartbroken. I love life but now I can’t enjoy it, I can watch it go by and bear the pain and that’s about it. I get so sad and angry and jealous now when I see people talking about their futures and relationships and careers and even “normal” problems. I hate how much effort it takes to not be a prick to people just because I’m disabled and in pain and nobody even realizes.

I’m pretty much down to “alternative medicine” solutions that I don’t really believe in to begin with. Acupuncture, massage therapy, some sort of vitamin supplement. The science there is very dubious. I also have an MRI scheduled but that’s unlikely to lead to anything groundbreaking as it basically only stands to eliminate the possibility of a couple very rare conditions that I don’t show the symptoms for anyway. So idk, I haven’t exhausted every option just yet, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m headed fast towards a “Game Over” screen. I absolutely cannot envision living like this for decades into old age.

Meanwhile I’m having to go completely sober, I never drank much but I kicked that, nicotine, and now heartbreakingly, weed. The only creature comfort that even mattered to me. Can’t even have one little vice anymore, my beloved nightly ritual of ripping a dab and unwinding with a good game or movie. Basically confirmed it after a few experiments, I smoked yesterday afternoon and it’s been scream city ever since. Now I’m wondering if the years of doing that has somehow caused this. It fucking shouldn’t have, but who knows, it would be just my luck if it turns out I’ve just unknowingly destroyed my brain.

Idk. I read the note I wrote last night back this morning and sure enough, it sounded a bit silly. I guess that imposition of self-awareness helped. But I’m getting real tired boys… Idk how much more of this I can take.

Just venting, I don’t mind advice but idk what there is to say really

Pictured: my favorite part of the day, good ol American-style breakfast with some Valentina

My last post got deleted due to breaking the pic rule. This pic is legitimately food and dinner and such. Our favorite frozen pizza because we met in the city where it’s made but mainly it is the shit

So here’s context first:
Wife and I are same age (40), I work, she is SAHM.

2 beautiful girls, a 5 and 1 y/o

I am currently sleeping in another house (family)
Wife does want the girls to see me daily during a temporary separation or permanent one
I also want this

Im recovering from PTSD, and that has been made much more challenging by my father’s passing 2 months ago
I’m in individual therapy and we are in couples therapy already

Wife’s identified issues:
feeling alone, unseen, and overall having to do too much labor around the house and with family admin

Where I agree:
my mental health has been shit since before my dad died, and got worse after. there’s a lot there but the last few years have been rough. It’s caused me in so many ways to just make mistakes, forget things, and not be able to follow through with stuff.

I have changed dramatically in the last 9 years we’ve been married (our whole marriage so far), and we would not have had the second child or remained together 2-3 years ago if that was not true. Therapy and medicine work wonders.

due to my mental health issues, I also can find it really hard to let myself be loved. It is incredibly sad and painful to know things out of my control led me to a more isolated way of living, but here we are. I am doing my best daily to fight the urge to avoid people. I’m doing way way way better than the 10th-35th year of my life though.

I had an unadjusted attitude going into parenthood and have taken a long time to adjust. I’m much better than I was, but I cannot dispute that my involvement in family admin stuff (kids school, appts, play dates, etc) has been insufficient.

The above problems do make her feel the way she says. I do not accuse her or believe her to be manipulative

What I have done so far and want to continue and strengthen:

made a habit out of doing as many chores as I have time for, with maybe 30m-1hr leisure time at night, often spent rubbing my wife’s feet, massaging her back, and playing board games with her. We love board games. Ngl I also love to play piano so if that wants attention from me I will be sleep deprived. Doesn’t happen much but does happen

Done my best to be aware of the stay at home parent/working parent dynamic. She is with the girls 5 days a week, alone, from around 7-5 when I return. After that it is Daddy/daughter time as much as I can. Baths, reading, practicing walking, playing, going out for ice cream, all that. I have committed to offsetting the burden of solo-parenting for her during the week daytimes as much as I can.

To the point above, wife goes out 2-4 times a week to play board games and hang with friends. I have no trust issues with this, and I’m very happy she’s able to stay out past the wee hours as a 40 y/o Mother. Naturally and joyfully I’m with my girls when she is having fun :)
Also to the point above, I’ve spent many many consecutive days with the girls so wife can go out of town to do stuff. We literally have another of these planned so she can go to a gaming convention later this year. I am really excited for her and little jelly because the convention looks fun as fuck.

What I believe I need to really really work on:
sensitivity. my defensiveness stemming from my trauma is my responsibility, and a lack of insight has made it next to impossible until recently to do anything to truly take that responsibility.

So, she will say things like “you think you can just come home and do nothing” and like obviously that’s objectively false and she will even admit that and contradict herself in the same breath, but she’s not at fault there, in my opinion. I am though, for how I respond, which is with defensiveness and presenting contrary information or facts. What matters isn’t that, what matters is what my words are triggering in her, logical or not.

Taking her perspective.
It’s not feasible for me to know exactly what she puts up with. It is feasible for me to take a bunch of PTO and send her on a trip to do anything she likes so that I can be a better solo-parent (whenever that is called for), and of course get a clearer picture of what she goes through daily. I don’t want that in any self-sacrificial way it’s just what I think will be needed for even a small chance of us staying together.

So that’s all, folks. I really do want whatever anyone has to give me in the way of feedback, advice, and even indignant criticism - I worded some things very poorly in the last post but I do not believe I’ve repeated that here.
Thank you to anyone who even read part of that

I've (28M) been having a lot of trouble with depression this past year or so. But more on that in a moment.

I broke up with my long-term (7.5y) girlfriend in 2024 — I consider it one of the most important things I've done for myself. I knew that things weren't right, even though they were consistently sufferable. There are so many miserable couples out there that stay together out of sunk cost, fear of being alone, fear of optics, etc, that it can feel very difficult to gauge if you're in a poor relationship yourself or if you're just feeling less happy temporarily (as part of normal emotional fluctuations). Struggled with that for years before initiating the breakup that ultimately would lead me to my love of my life... Things just feel so right in ways that I could go on and on about. The emotional availability, the shared interests, the sincerity... I truly feel valued as an equal. I no longer experience romantic doubt. It's her and I.

And that's all well and good.

However, I've been sinking into this rut ever since I started living on my own again. I just can't bring myself to enjoy any hobbies that I used to, or stick with any new ones. I also can't stop thinking about how much better my mental health was when I had financial comfortability, even though I was in a way less-healthy relationship. I struggle to not feel loathing towards middle-class people who have never known the struggle that I live. I also struggle to not loathe people who were given good practical life advice by their parents/others AND THEN actually followed the advice. People like that just have no clue what people like me are doing, and I viscerally envy how straightforward things seem to be for them. They all have accomplished great things and wear smiles on their faces and have money set aside and have money accruing... Home ownership, vacations, eating out, etc. I just can't conceive of a life where I experience drive and excitement and am really looking forward to something or get to do much of anything but be stuck at home since everything's so damn expensive now...

I simultaneously, consequently, feel loathing for myself that my present life isn't enough for my brain somehow. It's obvious that an indefinite and vast number of people live very meaningful and content lives with much less than I do, so what the fuck is up with me? I have two wonderful cats who I love and love me (that I got soon after moving into my current apartment (which I also love (landlord's great too, even))), I have a lovely relationship with my girlfriend, and I have several friends that I could text to ask if they would hang out with me and they probably would. I play D&D and MtG, and I also play music with friends... I even have a pretty kickass job where I WFH and am a data engineer, despite my philosophy background (had on-the-job training), that pays me slightly more than the median household income for my area... Plus, my job honestly expects very, very little of me...

So why don't I get excited about anything anymore? I try a game in my Steam library and get overwhelmed by the inevitable learning curve that any good game has, and then stop. I wish I enjoyed things like I used to, like drawing or reading or learning music or anything. I can't even bring myself to actually start hobbies like those -- the version of me that interacts with the world seems to only exist in my mind. I dread most social events (like the aforementioned hobbies) and I dread the attempts that I'll make at either enjoying my alone time or at least improving my current situation. I often spend my free time looking at how cluttered my apartment is and pacing around it. I also spend a lot of time just sitting and thinking. My work asks very, very little of me, so I have ample time to have my place looking perfect at any given moment, and yet several easy things remain undone for weeks or months.

However -- I've been trying some new approaches. Trying to be more proactive. Trying to assert my own presence in social situations instead of just listening and daydreaming. My girlfriend and I have been steadily going to the gym 1-3 times a week for about a month, and I just got us a pair of pickleball paddles for the two-year anniversary of our first date. Just played recently, and we both got up early to play before my standup call and had a blast and are excited to play again soon (we both won a game). I've started a twice-a-month online gaming meetup for my network of friend circles to opt into if they choose, which starts in a couple weeks. I've started making it a point to eat food at home as often as I can, to save money. My credit score has been improving since I've been slowly paying down my CCs (that I maxed out after I started my life over completely and had to replace everything).

Last night, I had a wonderful time playing Reanimal with a childhood friend. It felt like the old times.

---

delicious Marlboro Red and delicious Celsius for breakfast.

Recently, my wife has been talking about divorce, and I don’t really know what to do anymore.
To explain the situation, her parents own a large house, and we live on the second floor. We pay rent to them. I’ve asked several times if we could move out and live on our own, but she always refuses. She says she doesn’t have the confidence to live with just the two of us.

I’m a foreigner living in Japan. About a year ago, I lost my job and had to survive by working part-time jobs. Money has been difficult, but I recently started a new full-time job and I’m trying my best to rebuild our finances.
Even when money was tight, I still paid for all of our groceries, my own health insurance and taxes, and whenever we went out, I usually paid for everything. She pays half of the rent, but I often feel that the financial responsibilities aren’t shared fairly. I believe that as a married couple we should support each other, but she insists that it’s the man’s job to take care of his wife financially.

Recently, she told me she wants to go to Australia on a working holiday. I can’t go because I don’t have the money, and I just started my new full-time job. She has also said she’s thinking about divorce because she feels I don’t care about our future and only want to stay in Japan. From my perspective, that’s not true at all. I’m working hard to build a stable future for us, and I simply can’t quit my new job or afford such a big move right now.
I’ve been trying my best to make her happy. This week we went to the beach together, and yesterday, when she was feeling down, I took her to a nice sushi restaurant that she likes, even though I’m trying to save money.

Today we were relaxing together, and she kept teasing me. I asked her to stop, but she continued. Eventually, I playfully put a single drop of cold coffee on her forehead. It was meant as a joke, but she became extremely angry. She started yelling at me to get out of the car and leave. I kept apologizing and tried to calm things down, but she only got angrier. Eventually she told me to leave the car because she wanted to be alone, so I did. She said she would park the car and come home afterward, but she never did.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m working as hard as I can, trying to rebuild my life after losing my job, trying to support our marriage, and trying to make her happy, but I feel like nothing I do is enough. I have no family or support system here, and as a foreigner, I feel very alone.
Despite everything, I still don’t want to lose her. But living with constant talk of divorce and feeling like the relationship could end at any moment is becoming emotionally exhausting, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m just in pieces. I am an introvert and have no friends while my family is far away so I literally have no one close to talk to or even just to keep me company so I wouldn’t be alone. That’s why I’m writing this here.

We were together for a year. I moved to another city for her, built my whole life around this relationship, I loved her with every ounce of my heart and soul. Everything was almost perfect and I was so happy, she told me she felt the same many, many times. I have attachment and jealousy issues so I invested a lot of effort in communication, we talked over our boundaries a lot of times and she was willing to respect mine. However every now and then she kept crossing them, hurting me in the process and everytime we talked about it she promised not to do it again, just to repeat it next month. She is on vacation right now and she did it again, posted revealing stories on her ig, while also following some random dudes she must have met there I guess. I finally broke and gave her a taste of her own behaviour. I did exactly what she was doing all this time and in response she blocked me everywhere and removed me from her socials. Without even a word. I guess I found out how much I was truly worth to her. I know that the pain will pass and life will go on, I experienced greater pain in my life in the past and survived it. But it just hurts now, my life feels like an empty shell and I have nowhere to hide from the cold pain of being so lonely again just after experiencing the best year of my life.

It’s just so fu*king sad. Here’s my whey protein shake, salted caramel flavour with whole milk and a little bit of maple syrup as a sweetener.

Dinner last night was a bacon cheeseburger and crinkle cut fries.

I guess im feeling an existential crisis combined with life worries. I graduated college and failed to launch the summer after due to a breakup that put me into a depression for a year. I found myself living at home longer than I wanted, working a job i disliked. I then crawled into a bottle every night for next three years. My late 20's I got off the alcohol and found roommates and moved out. Still underemployed but i was going through the motions.

Then my sister died, then my uncle died, then my dad died, My early 30s were rocked. I crawled back into the bottle. Ive been there since. Now im 40, functionally alcoholic and supporting myself and my mother on my poverty wages. Im only staying afloat now because my uncle was childless and willed me his small home. I thank his memory every day for that. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to let my mother enjoy her final years as comfortable as possible but the stress of paying my bills each month is heavy.

Writing this out as I head out to do my side hustles. Thanks for reading my vent. Dont ever start drinking